Author Topic: My Story Building a better boat  (Read 1012 times)

Offline Silver

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My Story Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2019, 01:20:52 AM »
I don't judge others here (or in real life) for being standers or non-standers.  I guess I just wish that the implication that those of us that aren't standers didn't have good marriages or don't love enough wouldn't be thrown out there. 

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, especially from anybody that hasn't had their MLCer marry the OP.  I do wonder just how long they'd stand if their MLCer made vows with somebody else!

I agree SB, we really, really shouldn't judge any decisions, each case is individual. Nothing is black and white in life.

KIT you said you are standing for you, and I totally get it, respect it very much. I myself, made decision not to stand, for me but for my kids too. Going on with my life is dependable of letting go of XW and in my individual case, it didn't seem to be possible if I would chose standing. I wasn't quite sure about my choice before I understood that can't be "in the middle", I wouldn't be happy nor couldn't find my peace without choosing like I have. If I'm not happy, it's difficult to be good father to my relatively small kids either.

SB I have pictures. It was real. I don’t know what happened but I am with Treasur... I had to say he was dead because the person I married does not exist anymore in the world. I am still here because I have friends here that saved my life.. that understand what I have been through...and I can’t imagine my life without them. You are one of them SB. We have survived the unthinkable. We are survivors and warriors..  my job here is to be a lighthouse for those who think they can not make it another hour because I was there once.

This pretty much describes why I am here too, in addition that this forum and community is safety net to me, even I don't need to jump to it that often anymore. I know it's there and that's huge thing to me.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Tyks

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2019, 03:09:57 AM »
Sb, I was never a stander and I get what you are saying. Sometimes people say silly things and we have to just take it with a grain of salt. I can only imagine how painful it was for you when your mlcer got married. I often think about that and how I would feel.  At this point I am hoping it will not break me again.

You are such a strong woman and have built a life for yourself that is amazing! After such an ordeal as bd you, we, should all be proud of ourselves and congratulate ourselves everyday :)
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2019, 05:57:46 AM »
SB I have pictures. It was real.

Ah yes....the many albums showing either a man who was a consummate actor or one that really loved our life together and loved me.  I still don't know what to do with them.  They just sit on a shelf.  I haven't looked at them for a couple years now.  It's just too hard. 

We have survived the unthinkable. We are survivors and warriors..  my job here is to be a lighthouse for those who think they can not make it another hour because I was there once.

That seems to be the job for a several of us here.  I so agree....offer support and encouragement to somebody who thinks they can't make it another minute, hour, day.  You're right.....we were there and we survived! 


BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2019, 06:45:04 AM »
Hi Still,

Wouldn't it be great to meet up with UM?  Not too sure about the bike ride though.

I used to want a motorcycle so bad, but now I'm getting a little fearful of them.  I won't say why, because it's a sad story, but we could still maybe do some hiking.   8)

You sound absolutely wonderful!   :)

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2019, 12:04:09 AM »
Not sure if I said this on the last thread, but I’m so glad you have people looking out for you. I haven’t got anything exciting to update on my thread, and don’t think I would be able to find it 😂. I’m good, busy with shift work and house, nowhere near the size of yours, but a lot of gardening etc to do! I’ve made lovely new friends to catch up with socially, and lovely man to spend time with when we can. I’m looking forward to 2 weeks in Europe soon, with my D18. Things between my exH are good (I think!), he seems happier and in a good place, spending a lot of time with our kids and building a new relationship with them, which is great. He came over and fixed some things in my house when I was at work the other day, at my D’s request (like their shower which wasn’t working properly, and it’s cold here!), very helpful. We sit together at our sons sport and are very amicable! Anyway, enough of me! How I wish there could be a mega HS catch up, so much respect and warmth for my online ‘family’ 🙂
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #15 on: July 12, 2019, 05:44:45 AM »
A mega HS gathering that many could afford to get to, as well as have the time away to get there.  I wholeheartedly agree, CLG!  If wishes were horses......


BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2019, 06:14:33 AM »
I was just reading on another thread and something that stayed posted was so impactful to me that I thought I'd put it here on my own thread so that I'd have it for later reference. 

I'm still in touch with a lot of people from both of the forums I was on during and after my hubby's crisis, people who haven't posted in years and years and still aren't, sadly, there are very few that have reconciled.  I wish there were more reconciliations.  I was one of the people who truly believed that MOST would return, eventually.  Many LBS's have moved on with new partners, many are very, very happy in their new relationships and actually see this crisis, as a blessing.  Some remarried and divorced.  Some are simply enjoying being on their own. Some are still struggling. 

I am happy for those few that get reconciliation with their MLCer.  Once mine married the OW I gave up being a stander.  I'm living what's left of my life in the biggest way I can and I work hard every day to put the past in the past and move forward. 

I applaud those here that continue to stand.  I respect them and their choices. 

In the same breath, I will also respectfully tell a newbie that from a veteran's standpoint reconciliations are not a common theme.
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #17 on: July 12, 2019, 06:46:09 AM »
I agree Still.  Not in a scary manner, but just maybe to let them know this crisis can last for years and even then there are no guarantees.

So try to detach as much as you can, look after your finances and put your focus on yourself.  You can't fix them.
Also R talks will do no good.

This is all hard for a newbie to digest right away, but eventually they will understand.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2019, 11:39:36 AM »
SB, what you said is the bold faced truth...reconciliations are the super rare oddity, and not at all the norm.  Yes, be tactful when passing along this valuable nugget, but don't dare sugar coat it and gloss over it like it is just a blip on the MLC screen.

You and I are on the same timeline here, and we've seen some real $h!te in that time, haven't we?  lol  We've made a way for ourselves that would make it very, very difficult  for the MLC'er to climb so high to even potentially "find" us again.

While I do hope my xh finds a path to healing, growth and peace, I know it won't be one that leads him back to my door, and I did so purposely.  Deep within my heart, I know I could never be with him again, even if he does come out of this madness.  My view of him has forever changed, and that is something that can never be undone.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #19 on: July 24, 2019, 05:35:36 AM »
Catching up with the new Thread SB....

You KNOW we'd have to all have Black Leather jackets with some sort of firey deathhead logo that plays off of either "LBS" or "HS." We could ride into town and terrify the locals  ;D

KiT/Silver, maybe then "Standing" is the wrong term if "Standing" is only in terms of having the end result of reconciliation. To me, the M that was is gone, dead, finito, basta. By default, it has to be because, even if the Mid-Lifer eventually gets their head out of their .... fog.... they will be a different person, just as WE will be different people. Therefore, any reconciliation is really establishment of a new R/M between 2 people who may look like the former Mr and Mrs <LastNameHere> but, in their core, are NOT the same... On that vein, KiT, I have said the same thing many times, that I am "Standing" for my own healing. I am Standing for my R with ME.  I guess, in the true RCR/HS definition, I am NOT "Standing" then so maybe I/we should be saying we are Healing or Growing... Whatever..... If someone wants to try to tell me that my M was not that strong then as I am not waiting for me STBX to have her awakening, I can only look at them with pity and say


That is also why I never referred to myself as a Stander but rather as an "If'er." and there was a whole list of "If" conditions that would need to be fulfilled for a reconciliation to happen...

SB, like you wrote, the Standers here have my utmost respect and I tip my hat to those who have or are braving the treacherous waters of reconnection/reconciliation. At this point in my life, I am simply NOT one of them.... Maybe that will change someday but that is a big IF... But my marriage WAS strong and full of love... until it wasn't... and that was NOT by any choice that I made...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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