Author Topic: My Story Building a better boat  (Read 1013 times)

Offline Treasur

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My Story Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #20 on: July 24, 2019, 06:29:53 AM »
I agree. Not only with the 'statistic' that reconciliations are not so common, but that for the LBS, we figure out over time what 'standing' means to us or not. And it usually takes a while to figure that out and different folks reach different conclusions.

Put simply, no sane healthy person would want a spouse who behaves as MLCers do. The issue I suspect comes down to whether you believe your 'core' spouse is still in there and how much damage you are prepared to carry to see if that turns out to be so. All of us have different red lines and sometimes they are not always what we think they would be. And tbh I'm not sure that reconciliation is always an easy choice for LBS bc we change too and what a post-MLCer brings to the table may simply no longer be enough for someone. Very personal choice.

I stopped believing that my core h was still in there, no idea if I'm right or not of course, and accepted that I could never be comfortably myself with someone who could do some of what he did. Nothing he might do or say in the future would change that bc it was about me not him. Sad, not what I wanted, but that was my truth and it meant I had to let a lot of things go once I realised that. Which meant fortunately that I stopped standing, in the sense of wanting my h back, probably about a year before the divorce was final and he married ow. I stopped standing for him way before I stopped hoping for some kind of goodbye or kind graceful gesture...that took a lot longer to let go of lol. Still a surreal shock when he got married but it didn't cost me anything that I still wanted if that makes sense.

What standing does mean for me is two things I think. I refuse to hate someone I loved and valued so much for so long. And I refuse to accept that our relationship was any different than I remember it so I chose to treat my h/xh with respect to honour that. And to let him go without venom or more damage that I could control....bc of course I couldn't stop him or the other crazy folks adding more damage. Even though that respect was never reciprocated. Even though most likely my xh sees our shared past quite differently from how he did and I do. Pretty similar to UM probably...I stood until I could heal and I stood for the truth of our shared years by showing respect for it and him. That feels good enough to me.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2019, 06:34:19 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2019, 02:01:40 AM »
I would like to go back to the pole barn stillbaffled - I'm going to miss the stories of that thing ;D  I was quite happy to hop on a plane and watch him dismantle it piece by piece!  What a saga it was.  I particularly like the part when he came to pick up some stuff and the wooden beam went through the back windscreen of his truck I think?

It seems like a few years ago that story started and look how far many of us have come since then!  I was still a bit of a mess three years ago and had that inside quiver you never quite shake.  It's almost gone now, and I am not where I want to be but it's not over yet and we all know it's going to be alright in the end and if it's not alright, it's not the end, so we trudge on 8)

I'm not sure about the standing thing either, it's a strange term.  I like to think of myself as a believer.  I believe MLC  is 100% a real thing, I believe my xH can come out of the fog, I believe it's possible to reconcile if the LBS wants to and I also believe it's possible to be very happy doing something else other than just focusing on the antics of the MLCer.  I also believe it's going to be forever, just a little bit sad that a good man went bad and ruined the best thing that ever happened to him - our marriage, our lives and that of our children are forever changed due to some very bad choices he made and it's sad his parent's didn't love him as he deserved to be loved so that MLC became something he was always going to experience.

Sigh.............
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2019, 07:13:03 AM »
SF - yes, that pole barn was a big part of getting this whole divorce he slapped on me finished up.  He left papers for me six weeks after he left in 2016.  It took until November of 2018 to get his stuff off my property.  And yes, the pole barn stayed with me.  Currently I am talking with my homeowner's insurance agent regarding how much extra it would cost to insure for boat/RV storage to take place in it.  I also would have to have some kind of security system installed as well.  It's a work in progress. 

The back window of his truck?!  Yeah, that was an interesting day.  It was a steel fence post and he's the one that threw it in there!  I can still picture it in my mind! 

You are right, SF.  We go on and we live life in the biggest way we can.  At least that's what I'm trying to do. 

Your last paragraph sharing your views about the term standing is interesting.  The term just seems so ambiguous to me.  It can mean so many things in my mind.  I guess in yours as well! 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #23 on: July 29, 2019, 07:37:30 AM »
Your last paragraph sharing your views about the term standing is interesting.  The term just seems so ambiguous to me.  It can mean so many things in my mind.  I guess in yours as well!

I think there are more than a few of us in that situation... Sort of like "What DOES that mean to me?" and "Does it apply? If so, how?"
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2019, 08:18:41 PM »
Well, I think it's time for a short update so I don't lose this thread to the archives! 

Life just keeps rolling along.  It's a lot of work (as many of you know) taking care of everything alone that was previously done by two people with two incomes!  But, I'm a pretty determined gal and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.   

Sometimes I still wonder what the heck happened to my life.  I've had no contact with my MLCer for almost a year now, when I gave him the rest of his guns that were still in my house almost three years after BD.  I've not run into him even though we live in the same small town.  It would sure be nice if he and owifey would move to another town but it seems that isn't in the cards for me.  So, I just go on living my best life and hope to heck I never have to run into them or be in the same spot. 

Work keeps me busy and I try to put lots of miles on my Harley getting wind therapy.  I run 5Ks, lift weights at the gym, ride my bicycle and stack a whole lot of firewood. I do a little hunting and fishing if I'm lucky enough to have some invitations to do so.   I became an EMR last November and go on as many calls as I can when I'm available. 

I still remain here on THS.  I'm not a stander.  My MLCer married the ow.  I don't have any insight to their life together and I don't want one.  I don't wish him well and I don't feel sorry for him.  Maybe someday he'll turn the corner and realize what he's done and the damage he's caused.  Maybe he never will.   I don't spend too much time dwelling on it. 

I'm still here because this place was my haven while trying to find my way through this nightmare.  I try to offer support, encouragement and wisdom to others who are here. 

For those of you who've been with me for awhile you may be interested in knowing that the infamous pole barn now contains 6 large pontoons, a couple spendy boats, and a couple RVs. I had to get liability insurance and I'm now in the storage business!  I won't be able to retire off the profits but it's a little added income for a few extra things.  I think mostly it just makes me feel great to know that I am using that pole barn that he insisted on taking down (but could never get around to doing) to make a little money.   



BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #25 on: October 12, 2019, 08:36:13 PM »
Nice update SB. I know it isn't the life you expected but it sounds like you're making the best of it. I'm pleased to hear that you're doing well as an EMR!

Congratulations on the pole barn storage business. Nice job turning that into a win!

I'm glad that you're still on the forum. You're a great role model, standing or not, IMO. :)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #26 on: October 13, 2019, 02:20:45 PM »
Nice update SB. I know it isn't the life you expected but it sounds like you're making the best of it. I'm pleased to hear that you're doing well as an EMR!

Congratulations on the pole barn storage business. Nice job turning that into a win!

I'm glad that you're still on the forum. You're a great role model, standing or not, IMO. :)

Great reply MBIB,
lovely reading your update Still - glad you are still here xx

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #27 on: October 13, 2019, 03:06:52 PM »
SB, what a fantastic update!!  Turning his left behind pole barn into a profitable return for you.  That is what this is all about.  Taking the crap hand and laying aces.  The MLC'er wouldn't ever be able to do that because it takes vision and inner strength.   They have neither.  They live day to day, wishing and hoping, rather than doing and accomplishing.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #28 on: October 13, 2019, 06:03:29 PM »
Good to hear from you SB!! Making lemonade out of the lemons is the name of the game!! Glad to see you were able to produce an income from XH’s left behind pole barn. Doing well SB!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #29 on: October 14, 2019, 02:53:24 AM »
Well, that is one of the best ways to take a pigs ear and turn it into a silk purse that I have ever seen...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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