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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…

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My Story Reconnecting Re: One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…
#100: September 26, 2020, 09:43:41 AM
I can't even imagine dealing with all this coronavirus nightmare without my husband being here with me! People who live alone, many of whom thought they were doing so well by themselves, have been emotionally devastated, lonely, frightened, depressed… and that might've been me, if my husband wasn't back in the house with me! If this situation doesn't make clear, to those who didn't understand, why having even a poor-quality man in the home is better than nothing, I guess they'll never get it.

Hi Just Laughing,

Just wondering about your quote here as I guess it describes me. H left and I am living alone during the pandemic with our 2 children. I have not been emotionally devastated, lonely, frightened or depressed. On the contrary I have felt secure and happy knowing not much can change atm.

I assume it’s a joke that a poor quality man in the home is better than no man.

Can you remind me when your BD was please.

Thanks
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

J
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Re: One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…
#101: September 26, 2020, 09:56:42 AM
Thanks for the update, Just. Good to hear that your relationship with your H just keeps improving. I'm very happy for you.

JL -
Somehow I got lost from following your posts, but nice to catch up.
I'm so happy that you're reconnecting and restoring your relationship with your husband.
It seems that it's working well for both of you,

Keep us updated about how you both are doing.

Sea

Thanks you guys, it's great to hear from you! :-)
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J
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Re: One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…
#102: September 26, 2020, 11:50:14 AM
I can't even imagine dealing with all this coronavirus nightmare without my husband being here with me! People who live alone, many of whom thought they were doing so well by themselves, have been emotionally devastated, lonely, frightened, depressed… and that might've been me, if my husband wasn't back in the house with me! If this situation doesn't make clear, to those who didn't understand, why having even a poor-quality man in the home is better than nothing, I guess they'll never get it.

Hi Just Laughing,

Just wondering about your quote here as I guess it describes me. H left and I am living alone during the pandemic with our 2 children. I have not been emotionally devastated, lonely, frightened or depressed. On the contrary I have felt secure and happy knowing not much can change atm.

I assume it’s a joke that a poor quality man in the home is better than no man.

Can you remind me when your BD was please.

Thanks
Rose 🌹

That's wonderful that you've felt secure and happy during the pandemic, Rose! You are probably the only one in the world who can say that, regardless of family circumstances.

It's not remotely a joke that a poor quality man in the home is better than no man! I'd call it a basic truth; although there will always be exceptions, humans in general are emotionally wired to pair up, and are dissatisfied otherwise… if it were not so, this website would not exist. By definition, a man who cheats on his wife and/or abandons his family is a poor-quality man, yet the vast majority of women on here are eager to have those same poor-quality men back again... and that includes women who can change their own tires and do their own plumbing repairs, never mind women like me who need a man to handle all the traditional man-things.

There doesn't seem to be a consistent definition of BD on this website. Even looking back on my own thread, one person said it was when the husband announced he wants to get a divorce, which never happened my relationship, someone else said it was when we separated, which was several years ago, and some people seem to be using it to describe when they found out the husband was cheating, which for this recent episode was a year and a half ago.
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One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…
#103: September 26, 2020, 01:37:42 PM
Just noting, Rose is not the only one comfortable in her own skin without a man, poor quality or otherwise. Some of us are good with or without a man. Might we prefer one, sure. Will I accept a poor quality one? Not for me, thanks. It doesn't mean I don't like men or don't want one, just that I want one I consider to be of my quality.

Each chooses their own path with what options they have. If you feel poor quality is better than nothing and that is what you have, you have what you want and are happy. That doesn't make anyone who doesn't think as you do is a Unicorn or wrong.

Congratulations on getting what you are content with! I'm glad you are happy and doing well.
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« Last Edit: September 26, 2020, 01:39:55 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Nas

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One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…
#104: September 26, 2020, 02:33:15 PM
My chemo brain may have me confused by what I’ve read here and if so, apologies.
But I think I have to agree with Rose and OR here. As someone who currently doesn’t even have a home, atm, I would not accept a poor quality (abusive, disrespectful, narcissistic, selfish etc) man in my life simply to avoid being alone.
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« Last Edit: September 26, 2020, 02:36:08 PM by Nas »

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One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…
#105: September 26, 2020, 02:55:04 PM
Thanks for replying just laughing.

I hadn’t gone back and read your previous posts when I commented. I have now and realise you don’t say when your BD is ever, the only person I have ever heard say it’s difficult to work out.

And we have completely different standards to each other.

Glad we are both happy - I actually think that’s what this site is for 😊
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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One step at a time… or half step, or quarter step…
#106: October 18, 2020, 11:16:53 AM
JL I am an old time LBS, and I am not quite sure how it was that you were not on my radar. I have actually found your posts enlightening, and I have not been offended at them, although I would admit your H might be, and I am thinking that someday you may want to modify some of them. I get the sarcasm.  I also see that you sometimes say extreme things to challenge people's assumptions.  I am not sure if you are aware but there are two highly read sites for LBS on the internet. One is Hero's Spouse and Kenda gives hope to some LBS that their husband may one day return, and may be improved after they come out of MLC. The other is Chumplady, and Tracy argues compellingly that men who cheat, deceive and abandon their families are flawed beyond repair, and that you should run for the hills, don't look back, and go find yourself something better like you deserve. I find your viewpoint to be sort of halfway in between. You admit that a man may not only be defective, but that it likely didn't occur overnight even though it seemed to, but may reflect things which are intrinsic and cannot be changed. This may involve traits such as secretiveness, deception, and family responsibility. However, you go on to argue that a person in a long term marriage may still decide they want to keep the marriage, no matter how deeply flawed their husband is, under the long forgotten phrase "for better or for worse". I get it.

I think some of the concepts you point out are very interesting. One of them is that the OW homewrecker is so attractive because she does not know him, so she does not criticize. Many of us would argue that we never criticized our husband, however I think that we may have been unaware that our actions and words may have been taken as implicit criticism, and this may repel them. In other words for men who have feelings of guilt because they know what they are doing is wrong, they may project that guilt onto us, and perceive criticism even where it does not exist, much less if we gently point it out to them. Mirroring some of their actions and likes may in a practical sense help disarm this tendency to perceive criticism. Chumplady would be horrified that an LBS would even care what the cheater thinks, but if the goal is restoration of your marriage and your family, then yes, I think your suggestions are helpful.

I am not implying that there are not deal-breakers. I think for our own self respect we should be a model of honorable behavior. I  do not think women should stay in marriages where there is a significant possibility that your husband may give you a disease, where your husband is stealing money from you, or where he may cause you physical harm or otherwise endanger you. However I look forward to hearing more of your ideas as to how to break through the assumption that your husband must be "new and improved" to return to the marriage. A certain degree of resignation that you cannot change deep character flaws may be necessary if one wants to keep a long term marriage.

I look forward to reading more of your ideas about improving your relationship with your imperfect husband.

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« Last Edit: October 18, 2020, 12:44:42 PM by long journey »

 

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