Thank you for sharing your MLT, Mitz. I have long throw away all my journals from before and after BD including my MLC ones.
As I have said in a post somewhere, I liked the boldness my MLC gave me. I was always a bit bold, but it was a new bold. And it had great professional and personal results.
It is gone. It seems it was something that only MLC high is able to provide. Would love to have some of that super boldness back.
So for those who come out of MLC who do not have DID, logic says they know exactly what they did and decided to justify it in some way (this could be faulty logic, I'm open to that).
I would say that an out of MLC, or even Replay MLCer has become enough aware for no longer try to justify what they did during MLC. While deep in the tunnel/fog MLCers tend to use all sorts of justifications.
When deep in the tunnel all logic is faulty. Logic does not tend to exist in MLC. MLCers tend to run on emotions. Out of whack emotions, but still emotions.
Which leads to point 2, maybe they are aware and cannot stop themselves (I have no frame of reference for that. Even things I did that I would do differently, I knew what I was doing. I may not have realized the consequences of those actions, though), but assuming they are aware and cannot stop themselves, responsibility is still there.
They are aware of the big things. They may not be aware of the tiny things, but the big ones, affair, divorce, etc. they know. And still go for it. Can they stop themselves? Early on, yes. Later on, when very deep in the tunnel? Maybe not. But that is the thing, before they get deep into the tunnel there is a point where things are possible to revert. So, why do they go deep into the tunnel? Maybe different things, I think. It becomes an addiction, or sort of addiction.
Those new activities bring some relief to the depression, a high that masks the darkness. If they start to stop it all become too much. Fog is lift, even if just a bit, there may even be physical pain - I had it and bad when I stop my going out and about, the adrenaline was lowering and until my chemical levels returned to normal it was hell. Not, not a nice part of MLC. Liminality is not nice in any way.
And Liminality tends to be what MLCers try to avoid like the plague. They don't know it is called Liminality, I didn't had a name for it. They just know it is not a nice place. And it really isn't. I stopped the going out and about because I had decided I would stop it. It didn't made Liminality any easy. When one lives in a high coming down is scary.
Liminality is something we don't much about. Be it former MLCer or LBS that are reconnection or reconciling. It is less crazy than Replay, but a very important part of MLC. Without Liminality there is no Re-Birth.
MLC has a basic script, that is how we manage to recognise it and how RCR, HB and others were able to write about it. Within the basic script there are levels and variations, but the main script and process is the same. Of course a High Energy MLCer and a Wallower are different.
We can say MLCers when refering to the MLC basic script/process, but saying things like MLCers were abused is, in my opinion, not right. Not all MLCers were abused. MLC also isn't about FOO issues for every MLCer.
Then there are those like Mr J that may have something else along with MLC. For me J it may be thyroid issues. No one knows if it is so since he refused to be seen by doctors. If he happens to have hyperthyroidism on top of MLC it may help explain his hyperactivity and how a man that needed 8 hours of sleep a night plus frequent naps manages to sleep so little and have so much energy. He may just have MLC and be feeding on his many different MLC activities to keep in going.
Over the years he expressed being tired, exhausted even. He tried to cut down the djing a few times but the black dog on his shoulder would come over and, as he have told me more than once, if he stops he starts to think about all he had done and he cannot bare it/deal with it.
It would be logical to postulate that if Mr J knows that stoping makes him think about all he has done and he knows he cannot deal with it, he knows what he has done. And that dealing with it will be tremendous.
I am not saying he is always aware that if he slows down things will come back to bite him, he is often on auto-pilot, but more than once he mentioned it, so he knew.
He knows enough to have told me a couple of times the affair was wrong and that it was all on him. Then he went back into his MLC fantasy land. It is all so fantastic in his MCL land.
The hip DJ, the new record label (one more distraction, and, so far, the only one I find merit in, the records they released are good and it could something to keep after MLC), the adoring fans, the free meals in plush restaurants, the public recognition, women and men thinking he is the man, and so, so handsome (never mind he looks like death), such and amazing person (never mind they have no clue about what he had done, do not know the real him and never see him when he is truly down). Who would want to leave such a bubble?
Do I need to see remorse? I need amends. In my case that is money and all my things that still are with Mr J back. I need respect. I need consistent action. I don't mind a I'm sorry, but it has to be heartfelt and followed with action. Only I'm sorry is of no use to me. I need Mr J to fully understand the damages caused by his actions.
I need this things because they are the minimum in restorative justice, a concept that is important to me. I am not talking about reconciliation.
If most MLCers had a fractured personality, they would not be able to come back to normal on their own. Many things can make someone turn into a different person. Depression, thyroid problems, other hormonal problems, neurological problems, etc.
DID is recognised by a few therapist/doctors. There is big controversy about it with many doctors and therapist thinking it is not an illness, but, often, something a therapist plants into the patient mind. That is applies to the US as well. Here it is something psychiatrists tend to stay away from. Therapists here aren't qualified to make medical diagnoses, unless they also happen to be a doctor.
OffRoad mentions that DID is considered rare in the general population. This is only true if you believe what you read online at websites like webmd.
DID is not only rare, but like I said above, controversial. My friend who is a psychiatrist, his parents and sister that are psychiatrists and their collegues, who are psychiatrists do not believe in it. Doctors don't tend to believe in it here nor do therapist.
And, in the odd case they believe someone has it, they see it has a very serious, never going away thing. MLC that goes away. The courses I did about Mental Illness from American and Canadian serious universities on Coursera also weren't keen on DID, saying it is controversial.
As a general rule, MLCer do not have different talking parts, parts they don't control, etc. They do not have that level of mental illness. And most come out of MLC on their own, eliminating DID as a possibility regardless of what we think of it.
For everyone's sake it may be better if you can be kind enough and refrain from posting when you cannot control your different parts, Brain. It causes too much confusion, hurt and distress to fellow LBS. Thank you.