Author Topic: My Story Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken  (Read 2900 times)

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« on: July 05, 2019, 04:04:23 PM »
Hi!

This is MyBrainIsBroken. I'm writing to let everyone know that I'm leaving the forum.

I have to go because I don't like being the person I become when I'm posting on this site. I finally figured out what has been happening. Some posts, especially those that seem angry, critical, or judgmental, trigger my 6 year old self. Then my angry part, which is a protector part, rushes in to save her. I think it's probably best if she and I simply go away.

I came here almost 5 years ago, like many others, because I couldn't understand what happened to my wife. After reading the materials on the site I decided that it sounded like she was going through an MLC so I started researching to try to find out what MLC is since nobody seemed to know. The really strange part for me was, as I learned more about MLC, I gradually realized that I have been going through the same thing my wife is going through. I still can't tell any of you what MLC is for your spouse but I know now what MLC is for me and I'm reasonably certain that I know what it is for my wife. That's good enough for me.

I'm going to start hanging out at the DID forum at psychforums.com where I hope to learn more about the disorder that my wife and I have. Now that I know that we have dissociative disorders I don't feel that I belong on an MLC forum but I'm kind of excited about taking the next step in my journey.

If any of my parts wrote anything that offended any of you I will try to convince them that they should feel some remorse. That's the best that I can do right now. The angry part is a pretty tough nut to crack! :D

So, like my new forum name says,

Goodbye and Good Luck!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2019, 04:31:06 PM »
Aw MB I always felt you belonged here but if you have figured out this is not the best place for you, I honestly understand.  Thank you for all your kindness and support.

You have to find a place where you feel understood and comfortable.  We all do, for our healing.

I hope you will visit from time to time, with maybe some updates on how you are doing, because I will miss you tremendously, my friend.

{{Big Hug and love}}
Thunder
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2019, 04:32:06 PM »
I will miss you
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2019, 04:53:36 PM »
Thank you for helping me to learn more and think better. I will miss you too. Godspeed x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline megogirl

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2019, 05:54:56 PM »
Brain

It is only because of you that I researched the definition of "dissociative fugue" as a semi-newbie.  You'd compared the effects of MLC to one, so I just had to find out...and of course, you nailed it.

Godspeed and you know the door's always open
« Last Edit: July 05, 2019, 05:58:07 PM by megogirl »

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2019, 07:03:20 PM »
There are a very few left who see MLC the way you and I do.

I am sorry you are leaving.

Like me, you have continued to love your wife and see that there is something "wrong" with her. And for that, you are criticized and ridiculed and made to feel unwanted.

Shame of all the naysayers and people who judge.

Take good care of yourself.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline 1trouble

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2019, 01:05:51 AM »
Brain

I saw your posts yesterday and all I saw in your final post was a sense of frustration so you said a few things which to me were not that bad as I could see you were frustrated and not being able to get your point across ….THAT WAS IT...


BUT for some reason on here these days, people seem to be so oversensitive....and so then one word can get jumped all over ….
look at what happened with the thread I started to give people the chance to vent about the OW and what happened to the 'alien' word being used....its getting ridiculous IMO

Anyone who has read your posts over the years would be able to see, it was only frustration and you would never wish someone harm but its this sort of mob mentality where people wade in when they smell blood that will be the downfall of this site in the end and it is why I do not post here very much any more and I know others who feel the same.
I have no doubt many newbies are reading and frightened to post in case they cause offence and sadly I would think that would include people who are COMING out of MLC too...
( because I bet there are people who find this site trying to make sense of what has happened ot them)

I wish you well Brain and hope this will only be timeout for you and you will come back from time to time to let us know how things are and I truly hope your wife finds her way into the light xx
« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 01:07:02 AM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Milly

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2019, 02:36:58 AM »
Good luck, Brain.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Airmid

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2019, 03:12:01 AM »
Hi Brain -

I think each of us has to choose what is that best path for their own healing.
You have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (which used to be referred to a multiple personality disorder - for those not familiar with the DID term).
This disorder has its own unique challenges - and although this forum can be sympathetic - its focus, nor it's expertise is not specific to your situation.

Part of self care is to recognize the need and seek the appropriate support for what we need to heal.
I applaud your decision to find a forum/place where you will be able to learn and get support about your disorder. 

All the best!

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2019, 08:16:53 AM »
What is DID

Offline Thunder

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2019, 08:30:34 AM »
Dissociative identity disorder
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2019, 08:35:27 AM »
Brain -
Best of luck to you.
I'm sure nobody meant you ill-feelings.
Different countries, different languages, different personalities...

I hope that the new site brings you much enlightenment.
Your insight here was so much for so many.

Hugs,
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2019, 09:29:47 AM »
MBIB - you were one of the first people I "met" here when I joined.  We've discussed MLC as well as running, ice cream, bats (the flying kind) and EMS! 

I hope that you'll find what you are looking for in another forum and also hope that you'll drop back in here in the future with an update. 

My best to you. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline serenity

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #13 on: July 06, 2019, 12:19:47 PM »
Hello MB

I’m so sorry to see that you’re leaving. There are some posters on THS I would be glad to see leave but you are not one of them!

I haven’t been posting so much because of all the arguments and nastiness lately. It’s very disheartening to read!

Please pop back to let us know how you are and what you’re doing.


I pray your wife finds her way home to you very soon

Hugs

X

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #14 on: July 06, 2019, 02:01:20 PM »
MBIB

My sister and I thank you for the pleasure of interacting with you and your support. As we have discovered there are certain people on here that seem to be of the attitude if it’s not how I see it then I will go on and on until I drive you away.
You do what you have to and it was lovely to have your understanding and support.

Shock and Shocks sis

God bless you

Offline Jay78

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #15 on: July 06, 2019, 03:21:22 PM »
So sorry,

I wish you would not go.
Your thoughts are alot like mines, there's more to just MLC I also done my research and as much I believe in MLC there's more to this crisis. We all have our opinions but I also understand what your saying when we can't even Vent in a forum we stop writing our feelings because we are getting judge. I hope you get some time to think this over before just stopping because you have help so many of us who still lost and confused.  Best of luck in anything you do. Just know I am still here following along.
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #16 on: July 06, 2019, 03:56:46 PM »
Godspeed, Brain.

Thanks for all of your contributions to the board and best wishes for you and your W.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #17 on: July 07, 2019, 10:24:24 PM »
I will miss you.  Check in from time to time if it's not destructive to your healing.  I hope that other forum gives you some answers.  (((HUGS)))
M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2019, 10:28:19 AM »
I'm afraid that, much like a bad penny, I'm back. I was going to explain why I decided to return to the forum but now I'm not sure. Something I need to think about.

I wrote the following in response to some comments on the Links to Articles thread, then decided to post it here instead. If you want more context for my comments you'll have to review the Links to Articles thread. I'm sorry if this is a little bit confusing but it seems that my opinions and experiences are controversial so I'm trying to make it easy for people who don't like hearing what I have to say to avoid reading my posts.

Apparently there is a school of neuroscience looking at the relationship between developmental trauma, the brain and psychotherapy.

Great links Treasur. Dr. Daniel Siegel, one of the pioneers in the field, is one of my first trauma therapist's mentors. He wrote the book The Developing Mind which is a great book for anyone interested in interpersonal neurobiology, especially the effect early childhood relationships have on the developing brain.

Happy people don't feel the need to say things like that.

I wonder what being happy has to do with anything. The truth is that I'm not happy. In fact I'm easily annoyed. I've been in crisis since 2010. My wife has been in crisis since 2014. I've been seriously depressed and suicidal since 2015. Do my opinions and experiences not count because I'm not happy? If anyone tells you they've been going through a crisis and they're happy I wouldn't believe them.

Such a pity. I was reading this with great interest until the last couple of paragraphs from Brain. And wondered whether this
was his 6 yr old child posting.

I spoke with my 6 year old part. I told her she isn't welcome on here, that this is a forum for grownups, but I can't promise that she will stay away. Some of the things people write on here trigger my parts and I can't control them when they've been triggered.

On this other thread I was accused of being superior, dismissive, and unkind because I wrote that I have blocked Anjae's posts because I don't find anything worthwhile in them. I didn't say anything bad about Anjae herself, just that I don't find her posts worthwhile, but in response to my post I was told by someone else that I sound superior, dismissive, and unkind which I thought was rather unkind of the person who made the comment. I don't mind being told that I write bad posts but do you have to accuse me of being a bad person?

This is pretty ironic. People in RL think I'm a very nice guy. Perhaps I should keep the mask on when I post on here instead of revealing the truth about what it's like to be in crisis. But if I do that, what's the point in posting? I've spent my whole life making people happy by telling them what they want to hear but I'm starting to believe it may not be my job to make everybody else happy. Something I'll have to think about.

So tell me, is it my fault if I write or say something without malice and somebody chooses to be offended by what I wrote or said? Communicating with people is hard unless you tell them what they want to hear. People can be really mean (that's my 6 year old part talking). And scary (that's my 4 year old parts contribution).

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2019, 10:34:34 AM »
I didn’t read any malice in your post Brain.  I find your information about trauma very interesting.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2019, 11:07:25 AM »
Hi MB, glad to see you back.   :)

I'm curious, did you get anything out of that other forum?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2019, 11:14:42 AM »
I didn’t read any malice in your post Brain.  I find your information about trauma very interesting.

Me too.
Yes people can be mean and scary sometimes. But not all of the time and not everyone. People can be kind and gentle too. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2019, 12:18:22 PM »
I didn’t read any malice in your post Brain.

I did.

I don't like people, let alone those with serious mental illnesses, come by and proclaim MLCers, not just a few or some, MLCers, as in all, suffer from the same issues they do.

Worst. In Brain's case, I have no idea who posted. Brain himself? One of his parts? If so, which one? I am sorry, but what you did (and have done several times) is/was profundly disturbing to me.

I suppose I am the mean, scrary person. I neither. I just deslike proclamations that I (since I'm a former MLCer), my MLCer, MLCers in general suffer from the same issues as Brain.

You're free to bloc me all you want, Brain. It does not change facts and it does not make what you did any less wrong or unethical.

I have no idea what sort of a person you are, other than one that comes around and says MLCers, and I means MLCers, not just some, or a few, suffer from what you suffer.

You never meet them, have you? How can you diagnose them when not even a professional would in the same situation?

People can be really mean (that's my 6 year old part talking). And scary (that's my 4 year old parts contribution).

This is what I am speaking about. I have no clue who posted. I have no clue who posts when.

I spoke with my 6 year old part. I told her she isn't welcome on here, that this is a forum for grownups, but I can't promise that she will stay away. Some of the things people write on here trigger my parts and I can't control them when they've been triggered.

Indeed. This forum is for grown ups. It truly is disturbing. One does not know if the post was from a grown man or a four or six years old kid. It is totally disturbing.


Please get professional help, Brain and kindly stop projecting your mental issues upon other people, MLCers as a whole included. Thank you.


P.S. If my friend who is a psychiatrist would come on HS and would start diagnose people he never meet or spoke with, it would be wrong, disturbing and unethical. A lay person doing is 100 times more disturbing. A person with parts doing it? ... I'm lost for words.

I cannot be the only seeing and knowing how wrong and unethical this is, can I? ??? :o
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2019, 12:25:35 PM »

P.S. If my friend who is a psychiatrist would come on HS and would start diagnose people he never meet or spoke with, it would be wrong, disturbing and unethical. A lay person doing is 100 times more disturbing. A person with parts doing it? ... I'm lost for words.

I cannot be the only seeing and knowing how wrong and unethical this is, can I? ??? :o


Are we reading the same posts Anjae?  I just don’t see what you are seeing in them.  I read Brains own experience described, that’s all. 

Offline Anjae

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2019, 12:33:49 PM »
Are we reading the same posts Anjae?  I just don’t see what you are seeing in them.  I read Brains own experience described, that’s all.

I don't know. I am talking about the image Brain posted on the Links thread and his Reply 134 on that thread and his posts about his parts.

I agree. It wasn't meant to be encouraging but I thought it might be enlightening for those who wonder why MLC takes so long.

I do not know how you read this, but posted after the image with PTSD/C-PTDS and dissociative disorders, to me it reads as the reason why MLC takes so long (for some it does not, so even that is incorrect), is PTSD/C-PTDS and dissociative disorders.

As for the parts. I do find them disturbing. I find it disturbing not knowing who posted, who I am replying to. And I find it deeply disturbing that a person with such issues is going around HS doing what not even a professional would.

This is not the first time Brain does it. It is upsetting, it is not right.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #25 on: September 24, 2019, 02:38:30 PM »
Hi Thunder! I hate to say it but I didn't find the other forum helpful. I'm not sure why. I just felt uncomfortable there. Maybe that's something that I need to work on.

Treasur, you are so right. There are a lot of kind and gentle people in the world and a lot of them are members of this forum. And this is a good illustration of the problem with having parts. My parts have been traumatized and they are still living in that trauma. My 6 year old part is convinced that people are mean and my 4 year old part is convinced that people are scary.

A year ago I didn't know I had parts but they were there and they were passively influencing me. All that I knew back then was that I was uncomfortable around people I didn't know and that it was very hard for me to trust people. Now I know why I feel the way I do but it's going to take some work to change things. My therapist is going to work with me to help my parts process their trauma.

This all started with my first therapist doing inner child work with me. She wanted me to nurture my inner child but I couldn't do it. It wasn't working, which didn't make sense because I'm a parent and so I should know how to nurture a child. But I've learned since then that the inner child I was trying to nurture had been traumatized. Very few parents know how to nurture a child that has been traumatized.

Then, we made a surprising discovery. We found that my inner child has a twin sister. Then we started doing conference room work (Google Frasier's Dissociative Table Technique if you're interested) and more parts started to make themselves known. Then my diagnosis changed from C-PTSD to DID/OSDD and she referred me to my current therapist who is very skilled at working with parts.

There seems to be some concern that I'm saying that all MLCers have dissociative disorders and that they're all crazy like me so here's what I have to say about that.

I believe my wife and I have been going through what would be considered an MLC by most LBSes on this forum. I think it would be pretty presumptuous of anyone to tell me that I'm wrong about that since there isn't an official description or diagnosis of what an MLC is but we both seem to fit the script with some minor deviations, which is also script.

I've been diagnosed with OSDD Subtype 1b by two people who are experts with years of experience and strong academic credentials related to the treatment of trauma and dissociative disorders. I'm not consulting with doctors who are bleeding me with leeches. My diagnosis and treatment are based on the latest findings in 21st century neuroscience and developmental psychology.

I believe, based on my personal interactions with my wife and her family over the past 42 years that my wife's crisis has a foundation very similar to my own so she would probably receive a similar diagnosis.

I can't say that any other person's MLCer has a dissociative disorder or anything else since I have never met any of them, all I know about them is what somebody has written about them on this forum, and I am not qualified to diagnose anyone for anything. Even as a Critical Care EMT, I don't diagnose patients, I simply treat their symptoms.

I have seen people come to this forum, be identified as an MLCer or recovering MLCer, and then be flooded with requests for information. I am reluctant to identify as an MLCer because I DO NOT want that. I don't want to be treated like an exhibit in the zoo and I don't want to be asked to explain why anyone's MLCer is doing the things they are doing. It's hard enough for me to try to explain why I did the things that I did. Besides, I'm more interested in discussing what I'm learning about my childhood and how those experiences formed me into the person that I am today than I am in trying to explain the events that have taken place during the past 10 years. But I do believe the things I experienced during my childhood led to the events of the past 10 years.

I do find it difficult to understand how anyone could post on this forum with the website's underlying Jungian tones and then object to a discussion about dissociative disorders since the theory of structural dissociation of the personality has strong Jungian roots. As a bonus, the theory of structural dissociation of the personality is based upon solid current neuroscience. Jung theorized about the Shadow, modern neuroscientists can see it using fMRI imaging. And many of the characteristics of MLC that bother people are symptoms of trauma related disorders such as dissociative disorders. Things like sudden personality changes, the fog, lying, cycling, shark eyes, etc. Given that, it seems like it would be worth at least looking at it with an open mind.

In the snippet that Nerissa posted from one of Anjae's posts, I get the impression that everything I write should be discounted because I've admitted that I have parts ("A person with parts doing it? ... I'm lost for words.") Having parts doesn't mean that I'm crazy and it doesn't mean that I'm stupid although I might be willing to accept that admitting on this forum that I have parts might mean that I'm either crazy or stupid.  ::)

Everyone has parts, also sometimes referred to as ego states. At least I hope you all do. I hope you behave differently when you're with your children than you do when you're with your partner and that you behave differently when you're happy than you do when you're sad (Google ego state theory). The difference is that I have parts that have been walled off from the rest of my system because they're holding childhood trauma. That happened because that's what my mind had to do in order for me to survive my childhood without becoming truly insane. It doesn't make me stupid or crazy and it doesn't make what I write irrelevant.

I really like what Nerissa wrote on the Links and Articles thread about opinions. We all have and are entitled to our opinions but I'm not interested in discussing whose opinion is right and whose opinion is wrong. Without strong facts to back them no one's opinion is better than anyone else's. I live in the world of Academia. I love learning and that comes about through the sharing of information. Debate is healthy but don't try to tell me your opinion is right and mine is wrong unless you have some evidence to support your opinion. Otherwise, we don't call that debating, we call it arguing, and we don't have time for it. I usually try to support what I write by posting links to articles on reputable websites or by suggesting Google queries. I welcome responses that challenge my statements by providing similar references but if all that you can provide is your opinion that you're right and I'm wrong, you're not debating, you're simply wasting forum space and time by being argumentative and if you continue to do it I'll probably end up blocking your posts. I'm sorry if that makes me sound superior, dismissive, or unkind. I view it as being realistic.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #26 on: September 24, 2019, 05:57:34 PM »
MBIB,

Hey, nice to see you! 

I hope things are improving for you.  How's the new school year going?  Still responding to calls?  I hit quite a few this summer but have missed several this month now that I'm back working long hours. 

Stick around and continue to educate me on things that I don't know much about.  I'm finding it useful and beneficial.   

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #27 on: September 24, 2019, 08:36:05 PM »
Hi SB,

Thanks for commenting. I was thinking maybe it was a mistake to start posting on here again and then I read your post and now I feel better about returning. I do think, though, that I need to find something more interesting to talk about so thanks for your questions.

Things are going well at school. We're still really short-handed so I'm teaching an overload course again but only one this semester instead of two like during the Spring semester. My department is working with another department to create an inter-disciplinary program that I think is going to be huge and I'm leading the effort. We had a joint meeting with them last week. I presented a proposal for a new course that I would teach for their students and they liked my ideas so much the course was going to be an elective and now they're thinking about making it a required course for all of their students. If that happens I'll probably be teaching a quadruple overload in the spring.

Like you, I was quite busy going on EMS calls last summer but now I've had to cut back with school back in session. I missed a call the other day that I would have liked to have taken. A woman in labor and the baby was crowning. I haven't heard how it turned out but if I missed a delivery I'm going to be unhappy. Just one time I'd like to deliver a baby in the ambulance. But only once. Next month I'll be attending a big EMS conference. That should be fun. I'm all registered and have my hotel reservations. I'm glad to hear that you're still enjoying being a first responder. Any thoughts about becoming an EMT?

Have you found any good, new ice cream flavors? I found a new ice cream shop that I really like. It's a movie drive-in with an attached ice cream shop, pizza and sub shop, short order restaurant, and mini golf. It's really nice there. The last time I stopped they were having a big classic car show. There must have been 200 to 300 classic cars there. The show was almost over when I got there and the classic cars were just getting ready to leave. About a hundred of us stood by the highway watching them leave so most of them had to burn some rubber when they pulled out onto the road. It was really loud and there was a lot of tire smoke in the air.  :)

Are you still running? I laid off running for a while because my knee was bothering me but I think I've solved the problem I was having so I've been hitting it pretty hard and I've gotten a lot of my speed and endurance back. I ran in a 5K a week ago where I finished 1st against all of the old guys in my age group. I also finished 11th overall out of almost 350 finishers and finished ahead of everyone in the 20-29 male age group which made my 22 year old part very happy. I'm thinking of racing another half marathon. Last night I ran 10.5 miles at an average pace of 7:51 per mile and I wasn't really working too hard. If I can push that out to 13.1 miles and speed up by 6 seconds to 7:45 per mile I can qualify to run the 2020 NYC Marathon. I'm thinking it might be fun to run NYC again.

How's your weather been? Have you had any snow yet? How is school going for you? What do they have you doing this year? Have you started hoping for a snow day yet?

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #28 on: September 24, 2019, 09:32:06 PM »

I don't like people, let alone those with serious mental illnesses, come by and proclaim MLCers, not just a few or some, MLCers, as in all, suffer from the same issues they do.

I just deslike proclamations that I (since I'm a former MLCer), my MLCer, MLCers in general suffer from the same issues as Brain.

P.S. If my friend who is a psychiatrist would come on HS and would start diagnose people he never meet or spoke with, it would be wrong, disturbing and unethical. A lay person doing is 100 times more disturbing. A person with parts doing it? ... I'm lost for words.

I cannot be the only seeing and knowing how wrong and unethical this is, can I? ??? :o

I'm very glad you said this Anjae, because it explains so much about you.

You have self-diagnosed yourself with MLC. Is that right? I'm not even going to try to answer that. But I can tell you, whatever happened to you, it sure looks very different from what I see happening to my H.

But therein perhaps also lies the reason you have previously declared that my H is not an MLCer, because you have self-diagnosed yourself with having had MLC, and you don't like what you see in my H and therefore do not want to think you have the same issues as him. The easiest way to disassociate yourself is to simply say my H isn't suffering from MLC.

I don't know what happened to you, because I wasn't there. I only have your words to go on. But I live with my MLCer and my MIL. I am aware of the abuse he suffered as a child (because he told me himself) and even how he reacted to it (thanks to my SIL) No one can fool me into not seeing the FOO issues playing themselves out every day here.

I am going to use PTSD and CPTSD as an example that perhaps can help you to disassociate yourself from our MLCers who you don't want to be lumped together with. First there was PTSD. Then they realized there was a subset, with different causes and manifestations, and CPTSD came to be defined. Perhaps it is the same way with MLC. What you claim you suffered from never seemed to me to be anything like what most others' describe happening to their spouses on here, but perhaps that is because it simply is because they are subsets of something we all call MLC.

You say it is unethical to diagnose someone. That may be the case, but your argument reminds me of the same argument being made about Donald Trump. I read a good article the other day on that topic that I suggest you read because I think it applies to us when we analyze our MLCers: https://www.salon.com/2019/08/26/nuking-the-hurricane-diagnosing-trumps-apparent-mental-illness-isnt-the-point/
We all are dealing with behaviors from our spouses that are very real. It doesn't matter what you call it, it's still what we have to deal with every day.

Let's imagine someone was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and they really did not want to have that terminal illness. Would it be appropriate for them to go around criticizing everyone else who had that illness for saying they had that illness because they didn't want the illness themselves?  That you dismiss the experiences of so many people on here simply because you don't want to be associated with such experiences yourself is selfish and self-centered. I'm sorry, but my H did not have his MLC and I didn't come here to discuss it to offend you.  You are not our focus.

This is a forum for LBSes. If you self-identify more as an MLCer than an LBS, then I can understand why this forum may not be a comfortable place for you. But it's your choice to join and no one forced you to do so.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2019, 09:37:50 PM by Not Your Monkey »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #29 on: September 25, 2019, 05:45:04 AM »
An interesting comment from an article Treasur posted about interpersonal neurobiology. An excerpt from an interview with researcher Allan Schore.

Quote
Jung, who studied dissociation, described how the enduring emotional impact of childhood trauma “remains hidden all along from the patient, so that not reaching consciousness, the emotion never wears itself out, it is never used up.” He also stated the trauma may suddenly return: “it forces itself tyrannically upon the conscious mind. The explosion of affect is a complete invasion of the individual. It pounces upon him like an enemy or a wild animal.”

https://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/allan-schore-neuroscience-psychotherapy

Sounds like a description of MLC to me. Interesting to see a modern developmental neurobiology researcher referencing Jung.

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2019, 05:51:03 AM »
Found your post#25 incredibly clear and appropriately assertive, Brain. Thank you, learned a lot. I'm glad you have returned and I can see the huge progress you have made.

There are different opinions and experiences here of course but I always think being more open-minded (if not so much that your brain falls out lol) is necessary for navigating these kind of life events. Just bc I think x is right does not make it necessarily so.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #31 on: September 25, 2019, 06:14:10 AM »
MB,

I glad to hear your knee healed up and you're back to running.
Your speed is amazing.  I don't know anyone who does 7+ minute miles.
Hope you quality for the Marathon...I'm sure you will.   ;)
Also congrats on coming in first in your age group.

Wow you could have delivered a baby.  That would terrify me. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2019, 08:12:36 AM »
Fascinating thread, thank you - I am glad you’re back MBIB... brain chemistry, neurobiology, hormones, childhood trauma - one day, I hope the research and understanding catches up so that those families impacted by MLC. It would be such a relief to begin to understand that what is happening may have complex biological and medical roots -
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2019, 07:51:16 PM »
MBIB,
Glad to see you posting, never let anyone say there isn’t a place for you and all your parts. They are part of you, none of us can or should ask you to be anyone other than yourself.

I find the DID, cptsd reddit, OOTF, and similar sights extremely helpful in understanding or even helping me realize things. I also purchased the cptsd Pete Walker book...I have found that to be the most helpful one of all....H has claimed it for himself.

For social and interpersonal rules and thought processes Codependent No More is a godsend for me. And would probably use that to reassure your parts that people not understanding or seeing your perspective in no way invalidates your perspective. 

It is real, it is valid, and for some of us it is exactly what we also see in our MLCer...and frankly the skills needed to handle either are valuable and should be shared and helpful in almost every relationship in my life.

Glad you guys/gals are here.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #34 on: October 07, 2019, 06:53:51 PM »
Apologies to anyone who may have commented on my thread or sent me a PM if you haven't received a response from me. Sometimes I find it difficult to write. It takes too much energy.

I had an interesting session today with my therapist. We talked about my parents for a while. I struggle because none of the people who have hurt me are bad people. My parents were good people. People really liked both my father and my mother. My daughter can't understand how I could have had a bad childhood because she has fond memories of her grandparents. And, even though my wife hurt me very badly, I don't believe she has ever hurt me on purpose. The pain that I experienced wasn't directed at me, it was a by-product of her crisis. So I've been a little confused about how to deal with being hurt so badly by people who weren't bad people but were just dealing with their own issues.

My therapist helped me to realize that it isn't an all or nothing proposition. Nobody is good at everything. My parents were nice people and they were good grandparents but they wren't good at everything. Neither of them had any musical talent even though my mother liked music and, even though they might have wanted to be good parents, they weren't. The truth is that they were awful parents. But my dad was a good provider and my mom kept the house clean and meals on the table and they didn't go out and get drunk all of the time like most of my aunts and uncles. But they both terrified me.

My therapist also helped me to understand why I have so much trouble connecting with people. I told him that I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to get people to love me, yet I haven't succeeded. I do a lot for the people that I care about, I call them, visit them, always have a gift for them on their birthdays and other special days, yet it seems like nobody responds or reciprocates.

I told him that I can understand why my wife can't make her daddy love her. First, her daddy is dead and the om is just a poor stand-in for him but more importantly, both her father and the om are damaged people who are incapable of loving her no matter what she does. I can understand that. But I can't understand why I haven't been successful because I must be dealing with at least a few people who aren't damaged. It seems like I should be able to get somebody to love me unless there's something wrong with me.

It turns out the answer is that there is something wrong with me. When I was a child the only people I could turn to for comfort when I was scared or hurting were the people who were scaring or hurting me so I developed a disorganized attachment style. I do things to try to get people to love me but then I push them away because I learned that it isn't safe to trust people, especially people you care about. I learned that the people you care about always hurt you. My other therapist even told me a couple of years ago that my relationship with my wife since BD should feel familiar because it's a repeat of the patterns established during my childhood. And the fun thing about having a dissociative disorder is that treating me for disorganized attachment won't work until my parts that were traumatized have been treated and their trauma has been resolved.

The thing that really bothers me is that my therapist told me that I can help my parts to learn to trust people and not push them away but I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can rely on myself to do that and my parts don't think they can rely on me to do it. They don't have much faith in my ability to provide them with comfort and nurturing. How can I do something I never experienced?

I also realized tonight that I have a lot of shame regarding my dissociative disorder and that shame was reinforced by a forum member who questioned why anyone would listen to somebody who has parts but is it right for me to be ashamed because I was neglected and abused? Is it my fault that I developed a dissociative disorder in order to cope with my childhood experiences? I wouldn't want to be pitied but I don't think I deserve to be shamed or that I should feel ashamed but I still can't help feeling like a freak.

Thunder, I ran 8 miles tonight in 59:25, averaging 7:25 per mile. That really isn't fast but it is for a 60 year old. When it comes to running I really am a freak. Anyway, I'm thinking about racing in a half marathon this coming weekend. I think I'm ready. Running is so much easier than life. Just put one foot in front of the other, push, and then repeat. Much easier than dealing with people and when you're running you know why it hurts.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #35 on: October 07, 2019, 08:49:22 PM »
You appear to have a pretty savvy therapist, Brain. Do you (or your parts) think maybe all your pieces parts could help each other first? Maybe little girl MBIB  could be trustworthy to little boy MBIB. once they trust each other, they could move on to another part. I'll be willing to bet that not all the parts will ever fully trust, and maybe that's another of those not "all or nothing things".  Maybe if every part could get to the point where they trust X thing to happen, but not Y thing to happen. Just a thought.

We're your parents nice people? Or did they present a nice facade to those that they wanted to impress with their "niceness". The mask, as it were. XH'S mother was always "nice", She even smiles when she disrespects you. How can she not be a nice person? Until you challenge her by having your own opinion. At that point, she will tell you to go live in another country if you don't like any single thing about this one. So NICE. There is more to life than nice. Or a clean house. Or bringing home money. Maybe your parents were mostly average people who used anger as a go to for every interaction that wasn't "nice" (the number of people I know like this is quite large)

My kids don't intend to hurt me when they think dad is so great. I'd like to be all out happy they have a relationship with him. But he lied to me, about me,  gaslighted me, left me as the sole breadwinner for S and I and Ds final year of college when i hadn't worked full time in 20 years and abandoned me. But dang, he's nice" to the rest of the world, so it's ok for him to treat someone that way? No, really it isnt. It doesn't make him a nice person. What I'm getting at , Brain, is your perception is not wrong.  A person can appear nice to person A and be a jackalope  to someone else. And a person can be a jackalope to everyone, and it bothers some people more than others.

Which brings me to shame. It's one of those "no frame of reference" things for me. I know I am flawed, sometimes inadequate, frequently wrong, but I never feel shame for it. I change what I can, accept what I can't change after feverishly trying to change it if I think it needs to be changed, and recognize that trying to be or  being "perfect" is very off putting to others. Plus, they don't think you need anything from them because you've "got it all together. Why is it you feel your unique qualities might be shameful? Because a person with a holier than thou attitude said so?  That's one person in a sea of bazillions. There must be more to this than that, I'm thinking. What do you think?

Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on getting running again. I'm thrilled to be walking, albeit at a turtles pace, so I am quite envious of you (in a good way). 
« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 08:50:35 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #36 on: October 07, 2019, 09:59:13 PM »
Thanks for commenting OR. You always ask good questions. I'll try to answer them.

My parts do provide some support for each other. Having Little Girl MBIB around makes Little Boy MBIB feel better. Having my 6 year old female part around makes the twins and the toddler feel better. And the angry part is a fierce protector of my 6 year old female part. I can't even communicate directly with her because he jumps in to protect her.

As an aside, most people have parts just like I do so I was thinking about how I am different. Most people think and behave differently when they're at work vs home or with their children vs with their friends or happy vs sad. Everyone has all of these different parts of their personality but for most people all of their parts share the same underlying values and beliefs. If someone thinks that they're a good person that belief will be consistent no matter which part is currently being displayed. But for me most of my parts are holding trauma and they all have different values and beliefs. For example, I happen to think I'm a pretty good person but Little MBIB knows that he's a bad boy.

I think one of the things that really screwed me up is that my parents really were nice people. I think my dad had FOO issues after he and his brothers were abandoned by his mother when he was around 8 years old and I think he probably developed PTSD while spending 3 years in a tank on the front lines in Europe during WWII but he liked helping people and he was very generous. He owned an auto repair garage and a dismantling yard and quite often he would give people discounts on car parts and labor if they didn't have much money. Sometimes cars would break down on the expressway and he would go out and bring in the car and the passengers. Sometimes when the repairs were going to take a long time my stepmother would feed them and if the car had to be kept overnight he often let people stay in his spare room. The only thing was that he would explode when something triggered him and you never knew when that was going to happen but people liked him so much that I think they overlooked his explosions. It wasn't as easy to overlook them when I was little and on the receiving end.

My mother was one of 9 children. Her father was an alcoholic. I don't think she knew how to talk about or express her feelings. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone but I also never heard her praise me or express any affection for me.

I think now that my parents fought a lot because my mother tried to protect us from my father's rages. My oldest brother told me that he used to get a lot worse from my father than we did because my mother started standing up to him. I had no idea at the time why they fought so much. I just remember the fights were very loud and scary. I think my mother may have been hard on us because she was trying to protect us. I think she may have felt that she had to yell at us and spank us to get us to behave so that we wouldn't upset my father. I also think I was probably a problem child because of this gift that I have. I am curious about everything and I have lots of questions, some of them kind of strange, and I tend to be very intense and obsessive when I'm interested in something. I think I was the same way when I was little so I was probably very annoying because of it. I probably still am. I also believe that I'm overly sensitive because of this gift so I'm more easily hurt than I should be. I need to learn how to be tougher and quit being so sensitive.

Learning that I have parts has helped me to understand some things that have been very confusing. I know that I'm not perfect and I know that I don't have to be. I've told my students that the only people who don't make mistakes are people who don't do anything and I believe that. So why am I sometimes terrified that somebody will see me making a mistake? Because I'm not the one who is terrified, it's one of my parts, Mr. Smarty Pants. He likes showing off how smart he is but he's terrified that people will catch him making a mistake and then they'll know how stupid he actually is. I can tell myself that it's ok to make mistakes and I can believe it but Mr. Smarty Pants just shakes his head because he knows better. He knows people will know how stupid he is if he makes a mistake.

I don't know what else to say. Telling myself something and expecting one of my parts to believe it is kind of like telling myself something and then expecting my brother to believe it. It doesn't work because the wrong person is hearing the message. I don't know how to change what my parts believe but I suspect their beliefs are rooted deeply in trauma and trauma created both the belief and the part that holds it so the first step has to be to process the trauma.

I'm glad that you're able to walk but sorry that you're ability is limited. Still, you seem like a very resourceful person so I don't imagine it slows you down too much. I hope some day your children will be able to understand how badly you have been hurt by their father's actions.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #37 on: October 08, 2019, 02:15:31 AM »
MBIB,

What is it that’s comforting about a forum of people struggling with similar issues as you?  It validates you, it reassures you about the parts of that issue you are responsible for and the ones you should never hold yourself responsible for.  When you show me your wounds, you make it safe for me to show you mine.  When 2 people can see each other, warts, flaws, wobbly bits and all they can just appreciate the humanity in each other, they feel seen, heard, accepted and loved. That kind of connection builds friendships, relationships, and lets you feel loved in return.

But feeling loved or connected....is also a matter of MBIB’s perception. How do you know you are loved?  How do you know you are wanted? What are the consistent actions that tell you that?

For me love and connection is the little things, it’s vulnerability, the ability to validate (accepting MY perception and feelings), empathy, small acts that show intention, consistency, openness, honesty, kindness. 

Trust is consistency. Doing what you say you will do. Being who you say you are.
How does a child build trust, by parents doing what they said, repetition, and protection.....can MBIB’s parts trust him to protect them, to hold up their boundaries, they are little....so what things did you do with your kids when they were little that fostered trust? 

That black or white thinking is difficult, but I can look at me.  I have learned new coping skills, I use those and now I treat people better than I used too in tough situations....16 years ago I would have yelled...now I know that’s abusive...and I can assert myself without having to yell.
I was not all bad when I yelled. Nor am I all good now that I don’t.  Abusive behaviors are bad coping mechanism, either learned or due to a personality disorder or an addiction. They are harmful, and passed down through families. Very often some of the most emotionally abusive behaviors are ones that we as a culture praise...we don’t realize it’s bad.

We tell people to be brave....and then say vulnerability is bad....vulnerability is being courageous. It is risk itself.  Vulnerability is showing/opening up when you can’t control the outcome.

Can good people learn and do bad behaviors. Yes.
Can you dislike a behavior and still like a person...yes.  S15 is still a bit deodorant averse.....I dislike that, still love him, he smells a bit like a rotten onion....but I love him in spite of it. 🤣

Just like a family that never learned to cook healthy foods....then ends up with health issues, you and I had families that don’t know how to make emotionally healthy people....they have bad habits and coping mechanisms and it creates emotional problems.

I enjoy reading what you write. Seeing what you are working on helps me examine those things I myself and often you are leaps and bounds ahead of me in an area I hadn’t even thought to work on. It also helps me to trust you. I know I am safe to be me, you have made it safe to be me, by authenticity being you. That’s a rare and special thing. 😊
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #38 on: October 08, 2019, 02:24:27 AM »
I agree with ch. I like reading what you write too. I like you. And I think vulnerability and authenticity are good things and how we evolve from feeling like unsafe wounded victims too...part of our progress. I imagine - but don't know enough to know - that each of our parts serves a purpose and that part of the process of integration and healing is to feel grateful for the job they did or do? I'm not sure I see my PTSD as a 'part' in that way, although I suppose there was a PTSD version of me that came from somewhere in me...but feeling grateful for the fact that PTSD helped me survive was a big step from feeling ashamed that I couldn't survive without it if that makes sense.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 02:27:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #39 on: October 08, 2019, 04:42:43 AM »
Quote from Courage:
Just like a family that never learned to cook healthy foods....then ends up with health issues, you and I had families that don’t know how to make emotionally healthy people....they have bad habits and coping mechanisms and it creates emotional problems.

Wow! That about sums it up. Thank you.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #40 on: October 08, 2019, 05:26:30 AM »
I’m
Learning a lot from this discussion too. 🙂

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #41 on: October 13, 2019, 08:38:31 PM »
Thanks everyone for your comments and your helpful contributions.

This morning I ran in a half marathon race. My goal was to meet the time-qualifying standard for my age group for the 2020 NYC Marathon, which is to finish a half marathon in less than 1:41:00. I'm happy to be able to report that I met my goal by finishing in 1:39:16. averaging 7:35 per mile, so I may be planning a trip to NYC next fall. My run was fast enough for me to be the 21st person across the finish line out of 429 finishers and to place 2nd out of 14 in my age group. I'm also happy to be able to report that this was my last race this season and the rest of my runs this year will all be easy runs.

In a couple of weeks I'll be 61 years old. I'm starting to wonder whether I might be getting a little old to be running like this.

Offline gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #42 on: October 14, 2019, 11:44:10 AM »
Quote
I also realized tonight that I have a lot of shame regarding my dissociative disorder and that shame was reinforced by a forum member who questioned why anyone would listen to somebody who has parts but is it right for me to be ashamed because I was neglected and abused? Is it my fault that I developed a dissociative disorder in order to cope with my childhood experiences? I wouldn't want to be pitied but I don't think I deserve to be shamed or that I should feel ashamed but I still can't help feeling like a freak.

Sometime after post BD and for the first time, I think I got a really good long look at myself and I had a long moment or several of them, when I just cried. I knew how my past at home, with my parents had led me to this point and I just cried because it wasn't my fault. Although and it's probably why I was crying, I didn't do anything to deserve it, but I was stuck with the results of it.

I feel the same.. guilty, shameful, afflicted and why? I didn't do anything other than have bad parents too. My parents were exactly the same way, everything was "normal". We had a roof over our head, food on the table and I had it yelled at me often enough too. They were also convinced that "bad" parents must live in shacks by the rail yard. I think I was well into my 30's when I used the words abuse and bad in regards to my parents for the first time.

There's no reason to feel shame and I think there's a lot of power in taking ownership of yourself. However, I'm also guilty of not doing that. I don't know if I've ever out right said it here, but I've had a lot of GID my whole life and that stems from my mom. Your DID 6 year old is interesting to me and I intend to spend spend some time looking into it.

I can't even begin to point on a map where my mom's issues are, but my mom treated me like a daughter and she still does. It's odd because my mom is into sports and athletics and so is my sister, but my sister's personality more closely resembles my dads and I think since my mom's personality and mine are closer, she treated me like the daughter she wanted, I guess. I mean, she didn't make me wear dresses or anything tv movie worthy like that, but I can look back on things and think, but she knows I'm not a girl, right?

However,

Quote
I also think I was probably a problem child because of this gift that I have. I am curious about everything and I have lots of questions, some of them kind of strange, and I tend to be very intense and obsessive when I'm interested in something. I think I was the same way when I was little so I was probably very annoying because of it. I probably still am. I also believe that I'm overly sensitive because of this gift so I'm more easily hurt than I should be. I need to learn how to be tougher and quit being so sensitive.

I am / was exactly like this too and I think to an extent, this was justification for a lot of the emotional abuse I suffered as a kid. I still don't understand why some people are so threatened by it. I do think that has a lot to do how we both seem to have rejection and or abandonment issues.

I think your spend your whole life feeling criticized, called out and pushed away and it makes you distrustful of people. Rather than being surrounded by people who encouraged you, you got told in many different ways do you have to be so different? Why can't you be normal?

I think for me, that's how I split myself too. Older folks, were amazed that as a young kid, that I could take apart something like a flash light and fix it. These were the depression era folks and they valued thrifty-ness, fixing things and knowing how things worked so you could take care of them yourself and not rely on other people so much or money in that case. Even now, I'm a fixer and a recycler and reuser. That's just me, but I took so much away from pleasing older folks with it, I think part of me became one.

The other part, was this why can't you be different and more normal? fragment. I wanted to learn everything, play instruments, do arts and crafts, act in plays and home made movies. Oh BTW, you were saying my other thread about your dad having the organ and I feel your pain. Everything in my life was what my parents wanted. Asking for anything meant my mom had to talk to my dad and it became some board of directors meeting and I had to wait and eternity for answer and it was always no..

But anyway, I learned quickly that girls got whatever they wanted. As long as boys went out and played and didn't bother the adults, nobody cared what they did. But girls got piano lessons, dance classes and nothing was ever fair for them and all they had to do was cry and the whole world stopped. Between those observations and my mom who thought I was a girl anyway, it somehow clicked that a mistake was made somewhere and if I had been born a girl instead, people wouldn't want me to be different all the time and push me away.

I feel the same as you. I can't understand how my xW was the best friend I also had but also pushed me away like everyone else in my life. And when i tried dating, I was finding the same people that were doing the same thing to me. I came to the same conclusion as you.. there's something wrong with me. Either I put out these signals that say push me away or I haven't learned the proper social skill sets I should have and I have no clue what a normal non pushy away relationship feels like and I'm learning towards the latter..

I think you're right though. The trick is to not be so sensitive and don't react. Just wait and see what happens. I think part of the issue too is in our expectations.. We feel so maligned and pushed one way, we expect love or friendship to feel like the other extreme of the spectrum. Awesome, amazing, obvious and not subtle at all.

It does take work to maintain friendships, but I've tried and I too don't understand why I can't have those easy, always awesome relationships people seem to have.

I don't have the answers either, but you're not alone. I really have enjoyed reading the last few pages of your thread. I think you put a lot of good info and thoughts into your posts.

Maybe my 13 year old girl can baby sit for your 6 year old sometime. That'd be interesting  ;D
« Last Edit: October 14, 2019, 11:49:21 AM by gman242 »

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #43 on: October 14, 2019, 01:50:47 PM »
Well done BIB

Quite an achievement congratulations

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #44 on: October 14, 2019, 01:53:40 PM »
Quote
I feel the same as you. I can't understand how my xW was the best friend I also had but also pushed me away like everyone else in my life. And when i tried dating, I was finding the same people that were doing the same thing to me. I came to the same conclusion as you.. there's something wrong with me. Either I put out these signals that say push me away or I haven't learned the proper social skill sets I should have and I have no clue what a normal non pushy away relationship feels like and I'm learning towards the latter..

My dad pushed away physically and held back from being to affectionate or praising to much or affirming too much. My mom withheld physical affection and was emotionally distant but would ask about your emotions and exploit them to shame and torture you with later. That was love to me.

I realize now it wouldn’t have mattered.....I sought emotionally distant people because that is how I understood love.  I was lucky actually in my choice of a partner who was generally kind, and not violent who was not abusive. I am honestly surprised I didn’t pick worse.

But the same compulsion that made me pick an emotionally unavailable person is the same one that drove my H as well....his tendencies have exposed these old wounds for me to heal.....my tendencies have exposed his for him to heal.

Life is funny that way.

I have always been my fathers first “son”, girls had to be around my mom...boys got to play in the woods with axes, and have pocket knives and the weren’t second class citizens.  The could speak their mind, and have adventures, they could move away, they could be alone, they were allowed to dream bigger dreams.....and I wanted that. Once my little brothers were born I wasn’t allowed to do those things anymore. And around my mother I was wrong, shameful, a failure at being the type of girl she said I was supposed to be.....so I kind of rebelled against the idea of having to be a girl.

There is nothing wrong with the way that our child’s mind sorts or understands the world. It is our brain protecting us. It is survival.

I know I don’t have the right ideas about everything. I know I’ll keep attracting the wrong sort of people until I do. I will learn to be content with growing safely and slowly, with taking my time with people and things. I will notice the broken parts of others....because it’s always easier to first see it in someone other than myself.

I will mend the broken parts and perhaps when the siren call of brokenness and trauma has been diminished I will discover that I attract an entirely different set of people.....maybe people like us....looking for other healed people that know how to be kind without fixing, to validate without changing, to listen without saving. It will take time.  But I have plenty of that.

Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #45 on: October 14, 2019, 08:18:11 PM »
In a couple of weeks I'll be 61 years old. I'm starting to wonder whether I might be getting a little old to be running like this.
You are so funny, MBIB!!!  If the legs keep going, take advantage of them! There was a 75 year old woman who ran the 1.5 miles around the perimeter road of my community college twice every day when I was a teenage pup. I tried to keep up, but she was too fast for me.

61= 6+1=7. 7 is a prime number, so a prime year for you to run. (I have a whole year to come up with some crazy numerology for 62).

Congratulations on your time and qualifying!!
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #46 on: October 14, 2019, 08:46:55 PM »
Nice run, Brain! 

I agree with OR - you're soon to be in the "prime" of your running life!   :D
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #47 on: October 15, 2019, 05:31:34 AM »

But the same compulsion that made me pick an emotionally unavailable person is the same one that drove my H as well....his tendencies have exposed these old wounds for me to heal.....my tendencies have exposed his for him to heal.

Life is funny that way.

I have always been my fathers first “son”, girls had to be around my mom...boys got to play in the woods with axes, and have pocket knives and the weren’t second class citizens.  The could speak their mind, and have adventures, they could move away, they could be alone, they were allowed to dream bigger dreams.....and I wanted that. Once my little brothers were born I wasn’t allowed to do those things anymore. And around my mother I was wrong, shameful, a failure at being the type of girl she said I was supposed to be.....so I kind of rebelled against the idea of having to be a girl.

There is nothing wrong with the way that our child’s mind sorts or understands the world. It is our brain protecting us. It is survival.


I agree with you though. Our broke pieces just happened to fit together.

I think people are just who they are and they should be seen within the context of themselves.. I love outdoors stuff and nowadays, it's all women doing that stuff. I don't know if that's because guys just aren't into it anymore, or it's something for women to instagram about, but it's all women for real. I think the average dude now is sort of a sedentary nerd but it's the women who are wood working, fishing and hiking and all that stuff.. From a layman's perspective through the internet anyway. But every time I've taken S camping, I've seen plenty of moms who were out there by themselves, either with their kids or just a dog.

But regardless, I'd like to think we've evolved to a point where we can let each person find the life and the answers that are right for them.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 06:54:57 AM by UrsaMajor »

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #48 on: October 15, 2019, 05:39:15 AM »
Congratulations on your half marathon.  Such an impressive achievement.

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #49 on: October 24, 2019, 03:59:02 PM »
Hello everyone. It was a nice afternoon here today. Sunny but a bit cool and windy. I went for an 11 mile run followed by a long chat with my daughter about recent events regarding her mother. Then I came home and had a lovely nap while in the middle of eating my dinner. ::)

I'm still tired and my sad part's very strong right now. I think melancholy is the word I would use to describe how I'm feeling.

I like you.

Thanks Treasur. I like you too. It's a good thing there's an ocean between us or I might feel compelled to start distancing myself.  ;)

Thanks for all of the nice comments regarding my recent race. I'm pleased that I found out that I'm good at something that people seem to value.

I think I'm going to go to the restaurant downtown for a piece of pie. Sometimes they have lemon meringue. Maybe today will be my lucky day.  :)

Offline terra

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #50 on: October 24, 2019, 05:25:18 PM »
You know another thing you’re good at that people value?

Self-reflection.

We aren’t given much room to do that, in contemporary culture, and plenty of people on either side of a generation gap or even in our own age group will take issue with us for doing it.

But it makes you a better kind of person. You know?

I feel sad at the negation anyone hears about any aspect of their inner self or selves. Also that different identities are shamed. The mind is much pathologized, often for profit. I hope you are able to see the wealth of good in all of your aspects, because I’m sure each one has a great deal of worth and much truth to tell.

And kudos on the race and running — I can’t see myself ever doing one of those, so I have much admiration for you for doing it! Strong power!

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #51 on: October 24, 2019, 06:47:58 PM »
Thank you terra. You're very kind. :)

You're right about self-reflection not being valued. I've often heard it referred to as brooding and I've been told I might be better off if I didn't self-reflect so much but you might as well tell a bird to get rid of its feathers. ::)

No lemon meringue pie today and they ran out of strawberry shortcake just before I got there but I had a pretty good piece of strawberry rhubarb pie.

I reached a milestone this month. I have a 403b retirement plan from my employer, kind of like a 401K. I used to figure when it reached a certain dollar value we would have enough money saved to retire. The divorce settlement states that my wife is entitled to half of the account's value as of the date she filed for divorce which was almost 5 years ago, plus any increase in the value of her share. The account hasn't been split yet. When I checked it yesterday I found this month its total value reached the level I had in mind. If we were still together we would have enough money to retire now.

I was happy to see that my investments have done well enough over the past 5 years that between my employer's continued deposits and the increase in the account's market value, right now my share after the split is about equal to the account's total value 5 years ago. If things continue to go well maybe 5 years from now I'll once again have enough to cover my retirement.

I have a lot of problems but I'm fortunate that money isn't one of them. That's kind of ironic because I've never really focused much on money. I never really worried about it and now that I'm alone I live a pretty simple life and I don't spend much money. Although I do need to order a new pair of expensive running shoes.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #52 on: October 25, 2019, 02:39:07 PM »
MBIB, this summer I learned about Rhubarb Gin- way better than pie:)

Congrats on the retirement fund progress. At least her OM can´t spend those funds of hers.
me 51
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M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #53 on: October 25, 2019, 03:48:23 PM »

I think I'm going to go to the restaurant downtown for a piece of pie. Sometimes they have lemon meringue. Maybe today will be my lucky day.  :)


Do you still bake pies and brownies? 

I hope you had ice cream with the pie! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #54 on: October 31, 2019, 08:14:32 AM »
MBIB,

Quote
  The situation with my granddaughter is complicated. I think she's doing well. She wrote to me a couple of minutes ago to tell me that she's doing her first dissection today in her Anatomy and Physiology course. An eyeball and a brain. I told her to have fun and added that it's too bad she couldn't have waited for two days and done the dissection on Halloween!

The problem is my daughter is having a really hard time letting my granddaughter go. Last night my daughter told me that she and my granddaughter aren't talking. She's upset because she wanted my granddaughter to come home last weekend to carve pumpkins with her brothers. My granddaughter didn't come home because she had things she wanted to do at school.

It's a bit more complicated than that because my daughter seems to think that my granddaughter should be her best friend and do what my daughter wants her to do and my granddaughter is afraid to tell her mother anything that might disappoint or upset her mother so my granddaughter made up a reason for not coming home and now my daughter is mad at my granddaughter for "lying" to her.

So I'm stuck in the middle and when I tried to point out that my granddaughter is 18 and part of being 18 is learning to be independent and have your own identity separate from your parents my daughter started crying, leaving me feeling like a real sh!t. That's why I made the comment last night about going NC with the world. The urge to run away and start a new life hasn't ever completely gone away. I hear that the weather is nice in Florida. Anyway, thanks for asking. Enjoy the time you have left with your son!

May I ask a couple questions? I hope these aren’t too blunt.

Why do you see this as a problem that requires fixing?

Is there a boundary you could set to remove yourself from this tussle they seem to be having?

It would seem to me that you are uniquely qualified to empathize with both parties.....and emotionally that is tough.....to feel equally pulled in both directions and feel as if you have to chose.
But you know due to your own parallel situation where you too lost your role, and are now forced to confront yourself and build your own separate identity exactly what your daughter and granddaughter are experiencing.

Maybe give yourself a little distance and reassurance that this is a process.  Your daughter is grieving her loss of role and being forced into that uncomfortable place of growth, and redefining herself.  Your granddaughter is forging ahead through whatever means necessary with creating and remaking herself as her own separate and unique individual.

You can chose how you wish to see this....it can be a tragedy....or the uncomfortable path to self growth for both and as such an exciting thing to be embraced and celebrated.

You can chose to be involved or not.  To allow it to affect your perception of yourself and your responsibilities here or not.....these are after all....grownups....who are responsible for their own thoughts, actions, feelings and relationships.

I hope you find a path through this that brings you peace and closer together.

I hope my asking might help you as much as you have helped me.

You are not alone.

Hugs 🤗
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #55 on: October 31, 2019, 12:03:50 PM »
Good questions Courage. Thanks for asking.

The problem with an online forum like this is that it's difficult to convey all of the complexities of a situation like those that we discuss on here and I don't have the time or the energy to properly do so with this one. But I'll try to provide a little more detail.

My daughter was badly injured in a car accident when she was 6 years old. Shortly after that she lost her father (me) as I developed PTSD and struggled with anxiety and depression for the next 6 years. I suspect my daughter has childhood PTSD as a result of this.

My daughter's life was kind of wild for about 10 years, starting when she turned 17. Because of this, my wife and I raised our granddaughter until about 8 years ago when she was almost 10 years old. She's more like a daughter than a granddaughter.

When my granddaughter was about 5 years old my daughter married a guy and they had two boys together. After being married for 3 years, my daughter's husband was cheating on her, she filed for divorce, and he killed himself. His family blamed my daughter for her husband's suicide. My daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD related to the suicide but hasn't been treated for it.

A couple of years later, after my daughter seemed to have settled down, our granddaughter went to live with her mother and brothers. The transition was a bit rocky and my wife and granddaughter continued to be like twins who were joined at the hip.

My granddaughter was devastated after BD because my wife not only left me but she abandoned the whole family. Sound much like MLC?

Four months after BD, I made a high speed trip to the ER with my granddaughter after she made numerous cuts on both arms from wrist to elbow, followed by swallowing a bottle of ibuprofen. After she was released from the psych hospital she heard that grandma had told people my granddaughter did it because her brothers were being mean to her so she went to dinner with her grandma and told her that she did it because she couldn't stand watching grandma hurt everyone.

My wife and the om both worked at the school my daughter was attending and the om's daughter was a student there in the same grade as my granddaughter. This was causing a lot of problems so my daughter home-schooled my granddaughter for 9th grade through 11th grade. Although she returned to school for her senior year, my granddaughter never had much of a chance to learn how to separate from her mother until just before she left for college.

After graduating from high school last June, my granddaughter started resisting my daughter's attempts to control her life. Two weeks before she left for college she left home to move back into her childhood home with me. She lives with me now when she comes home on weekends and breaks. This really hurt my daughter.

My daughter remarried about 2 years ago and has a good marriage now to a good hard working man. About 6 weeks ago he accepted a promotion at work. He almost doubled his salary which is good because they were struggling but he's on the road a lot now. He's only home for one weekend every two or three weeks so my daughter now spends most of her time alone with her 14 and 11 year old sons.

I believe my daughter's PTSD is being heavily triggered by being separated from her husband and daughter.

The short answer to your questions is that I don't want to have to deal with another suicide or suicide attempt. I don't ever want to repeat that drive to the hospital with my granddaughter. And everyone, even my wife, seems to expect me to be the one who keeps the wheels from falling off the wagon. And so I worry because I know that I can't do what everyone seems to think that I should be able to do.

I forgot to mention that I have an Uncle who I never met. He died before I was born. Shortly after his wife left him he walked in front of a train. I also have a nephew who attempted suicide and my wife's half-brother killed himself.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2019, 12:18:30 PM by MyBrainIsBroken »

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #56 on: October 31, 2019, 12:51:17 PM »
MBIB,

You feel responsible in some ways, and fearful of the what if’s in others...and given the big traumas that surround the issues I completely understand why you feel this way. What a tough and complex situation. Makes the wanting to run away feeling understandable. I’m sorry you find yourself here wrestling with such big issues and emotions.

May I offer you my new favorite question for myself and others when an issue that isn’t entirely mine seems foist upon me.....what are you willing to do about it?

Maybe try it out on daughter and granddaughter and seem if they can find something they are willing to do to navigate this tricky situation. Perhaps that could be a family counselor, a pastor or a mentor or close family friend....maybe a schedule they can work out that satisfies the need for GD’s freedom with D’s need for connection.

Maybe just the encouragement of you to allow them to think about and voice what they are willing to do as part of the solution instead of placing it all in your hands.
Maybe a fatherly nudge to remind them that if they ask you to fix this they get no say in how it’s fixed.....is that what they want?

I don’t know that it helps. But I hope it does. You have a lot on your plate friend, make sure you don’t let your cup get empty. Hugs
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #57 on: October 31, 2019, 01:04:24 PM »
Brain, I have no words but to say how sorry I am for the legacy of pain in your family. And I am keeping you all close in my prayers tonight.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #58 on: October 31, 2019, 02:46:44 PM »
I also think you and your family have faced a lot of sadness with a lot of grace and fortitude.  It really is a difficult situation for you.

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #59 on: October 31, 2019, 03:35:38 PM »
Thanks everyone.

The situation is already starting to improve. My granddaughter and I spent some time together today. Her Art Appreciation instructor told her class to visit the University's ceramics museum and she asked me to join her. We had a nice time walking there and back and viewing the collection.

My granddaughter seems to be thriving. Because she was homeschooled she didn't have many friends but now that she's at college she really likes her roommate and she's become friends with most of her roommate's friends. She was talking a mile a minute for most of the two hours or so that we spent together today. She used to do that when she was a little girl but became pretty quiet for a while so I'm happy to see her motormouth returning. :)

My daughter's been upset because her first husband's birthday is in 2 weeks but she told me she had a good talk and a good cry the other day and she feels better now. She also said she's going to look into getting back into therapy for her PTSD. Neither of my parents ever talked with us about feelings and the only emotion they were comfortable displaying was anger so the conversation I had with my daughter was difficult for me but it seems to have gone well. I felt awful afterwards but she felt a lot better. :P

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #60 on: October 31, 2019, 05:11:45 PM »
MBIB,
😊😊😊

Learning emotions is not for the faint of heart. I’m glad you are gaining some measure of peace with the situation and that you had such a fun day with GD. Sounds like D is finally taking her ownership of her side of the fence. You may not see it....but our family is starting to sound a bit like mine....healing together all in sperate speeds and ways...but nonetheless headed towards healing. Sounds like a good day. ❤️
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #61 on: October 31, 2019, 06:14:09 PM »
Yes, I even received a message from my wife yesterday wishing me a happy birthday. She also said she hoped I had a great day and she included emojis of a balloon, a cake, and a wrapped present. And then she liked the FB posts a couple of family members made wishing me a happy birthday. Doesn't mean anything but it makes me feel better than mean monster or apathy.

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #62 on: October 31, 2019, 11:43:21 PM »
Happy Birthday xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #63 on: November 01, 2019, 02:12:41 AM »
Happy Birthday, MB.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #64 on: November 01, 2019, 02:21:22 AM »
Happy Birthday!
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #65 on: November 01, 2019, 10:28:02 AM »
Thanks for the birthday greetings.

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning while driving to work. I thought about all of the things my wife and I went through during our marriage. We didn't think about them much. We just got through them and went on with our lives but I started wondered if each of them might have chipped away a little bit at the foundation of our relationship.

I don't know anyone who thinks my wife was unhappy, but maybe while not being unhappy, she just wasn't happy. What if she left because she wasn't happy and now that she's with the om she is happy? I started wondered what that would mean.

If that is true then I guess what it means is that there is one woman in the world who was unhappy while being in a relationship with me who decided that she doesn't love me. It probably doesn't mean that there are no women in the world who would be happy while in a relationship with me and it probably doesn't mean that there aren't any women in the world who might find me lovable.

Which brought my thoughts around to my mother. Normally you only get one mother so it's a pretty big deal if she didn't love me but what would it mean if she didn't love me? It might mean that I was difficult to love but it probably doesn't mean that I was unlovable or that I didn't deserve to be loved. The book that I just read about emotionally absent mothers discusses ways to replace the mother's love you never felt. I'm not sure how that works. I should probably go back and read that part of the book again.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Probably just tired. Strange thoughts to be having the day after my 61st birthday.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #66 on: November 01, 2019, 11:33:15 AM »
Happy Birthday!!!🎁🎉🎂
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #67 on: November 01, 2019, 12:42:26 PM »
Sorry if I missed your birthday! Hope it was a good one!

I don't think most of us would have made it so far if we didn't have some kind of real love, deep connection. I think that letting go (and even sweeping it under the rug), is what people do when they love one another or at least genuinely care about one another and want to be together. I think people that don't want to be together, easily blow up mole hills into mountains as an exit.

I think the issue with our spouses and us to an extent, is that we never learned to process and share those feelings in a healthy manner. The running away is how they deal with those feelings. If they aren't around you, they don't matter and can go away. I think that's pretty script.. They come to blame you because it's easier than dealing with their feelings and it becomes their excuse to leave.

I don't think they're happier with the OP, it's just that the OP doesn't make them confront their feelings the way that being with the LBS does. Take Whyu's xw's OM for example, he sits on his phone like a bump on a log. I don't think it's fun being with a guy like that, but I bet it's not hard either. I'd be bored, but for someone that wants out of the emotional tornado in their head, I'm sure looks like disney land.

Sadly, I think most people don't want emotional intimacy. That's why so many marriages have issues and why so much cheating happens. Everyone loves the honeymoon period, raising the kids is fun, but then what? Who are you deep down? What are you going to do with the rest of your life and with your spouse?

It's scary as hell. I think most people prefer to stay busy one way or the other so they don't have to think about it. Raising kids, gym addicts, drama with other people and so on.

I have all the same questions as you and more, but I know they loved us. They wouldn't have run so fast, so hard when they did if they didn't. It would have been years ago.


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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #68 on: November 01, 2019, 06:23:01 PM »
MBIB,

Fwiw I think that’s an excellent question.....you found your seed! I’m so happy for you! IMO you should pursue that thought. (That seed is hope btw)
If you have a seed....something can grow.

What if I am not unlovable? How would that change how I treat me? What would be different about the way I allow me to speak to myself? What if loving something enough makes it loveable.....
what are the things that speak love to you, that make your heart swell, that warm feeling you get?
Maybe try to show some love to your twins. Maybe loving them will make them lovable to you?

I don’t know....but my gut says that’s the right question....one I’m having myself lately.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #69 on: November 01, 2019, 08:10:54 PM »
You know MBIB, even if every person you met were to be unhappy while in a relationship with you, it still wouldn't mean you were unlovable.  It might mean you dont pick well, though. People can be unhappy with people they love, but any person who is perpetually unhappy with anyone does not know how to get their own needs met. There were times I was unhappy with xh, but I took care of my own needs. In fact in retrospect, that would make him angry because he could not control me, almost like he wanted me to be upset.

My point being that I rather believe as Gman does, that the reason people run is because they don't have the tools to deal with uncomfortable feelings and instead of leaning in, they not only lean out, but run. Or maybe reach a saturation point where they just canot handle one more bad thing.

Why is it you think your lovability is conditional on whether your W is happy with OM or not? If she was unhappy, that does not make you unlovable. If your mother was emotionally absent, that doesn't make you unlovable. A question you might want to ask yourself is what was it that made you believe that other people's unhappiness or emotional unavailability makes you, everything intelligent, talented, uniquely YOU, unlovable. Where did that originate? (Because I can't see how you could possibly be unlovable, jmo)
« Last Edit: November 01, 2019, 08:12:15 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #70 on: November 02, 2019, 06:47:17 AM »

My point being that I rather believe as Gman does, that the reason people run is because they don't have the tools to deal with uncomfortable feelings and instead of leaning in, they not only lean out, but run. Or maybe reach a saturation point where they just canot handle one more bad thing.


I also believe that they run because they can't deal with uncomfortable feelings and some of them just never find a way to deal with them. 

Also, sorry I missed your birthday.  I hope you had pie, cake, AND ice cream!! 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #71 on: November 02, 2019, 07:36:13 AM »
Thanks SB. I had pineapple pie, my daughter baked a pineapple upside down cake for me, and I went to Tim Horton's Coldstone creamery for ice cream. :-[ :-[ :-[

Have I mentioned that I ran for an hour and 50 minutes on the treadmill the day after my birthday?

Offline gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #72 on: November 02, 2019, 08:45:43 AM »
That is a long time... kudos man. I can't use a treadmill unless it's a slow walk. I get a bit funny and fall all over if I go faster than that.  ;D I could never get the hang of it.

I just wanted to extend on what everyone was saying.. I just now beginning to grasp it, after reading about attachment types and so on and I think that emotional unavailability takes many forms. There's people who can't process their feelings, understand them or express them. There are people that have never known kindness and don't know what to do with it when they get it, other than to feel really uncomfortable. A lot of the women (including xw) that I've dated fall into this category.

I'm sure you realize that everything does start in our childhoods and you're right for questioning your mother. I don't think that she didn't love you, but that she has her own issues that weren't your fault. But when you grow up with that and then that's all you find in life, you feel like it is you and you're leading this cursed existence.

I think that's the hardest thing to do is to learn that it isn't you. And part of the reason why it's so hard is that I think we spent most of our childhoods trying to get along, to fit in and we're kinda the "helpers" of life. I bet you're an awesome teacher and mentor and I know you didn't hesitate to help out your granddaughter.

I think what we do is, not say "our mothers didn't love us", but instead, we tell ourselves through our interactions, we couldn't make them love us. We carry that with us through our interactions with other people and we don't fully realize that other people are their own people with their own sets of issues, that have nothing to do with us. We see everyone as another version of our mothers on a subconcious level because we project that feeling of unworthiness onto everyone we either meet or know.  And that's because we never developed a consistent internal sense of self worth and esteem, which is what both of our parents should have done for us as kids.

I'm not there yet totally, but I'm glad I did do the dating I did. I've said no to people for the first time in my life and I've really decided that going from my mother and then to my xw, I've been treated like crap for most of my life by the women in it and I need a break. lol. I'm getting better at being to develop my own internal system of validation and support and I'm curious to see, in the long term, what effects it will have on my personal life. I'm assuming good things.. I have my moments, but I think the outlook is pretty positive.

We have to learn who we are, our own capabilities and what we want and to also be able to stick up for it in our words and actions to other people. I'm talking more about confidence than raising hell  ;D

You'd probably be amazed to know and I hope you are, that I've looked at you and thought to myself.. wow, that guy has his life together. I think that's just what we do when we haven't taken an honest and fair assessment of ourselves. We're constantly looking in other people for things either to fix us or to tell us there's something wrong with us.

I agree with some of the above comments. You've got a lot out and you're wondering.. that's the first steps. You'll get there :)

And we're all worth loving, for real. I was saying that in my thread, I don't care for the tone of many articles I've read that all imply that we aren't worthy of it until we reach some bench mark. I think that's just marketing hype that keeps your reading articles.  We can all be better than we are now, I think that's the point of being a person anyway.. keep developing and keep striving. But there's also nothing fundamentally wrong with us either. I think the hardest thing to do in life is realize, it's them, not you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #73 on: November 02, 2019, 09:30:17 AM »
Agree with so much that both of you say here.
CH and me have been chatting about The Shack and the idea that (regardless of your religious beliefs or what you call your Higher Power) God is especially fond of you and you were a marvellous bit of design work before a few bits got broken by loss and life...but you can heal and he thinks you are uniquely fab anyway.

Isn't it funny that our head sort of knows that? Maybe particularly if we have kids bc we know what that kind of appreciative relentless love feels like to feel? But somehow our spirit struggles with it sometimes...even though we see the logic....Both of you are as loveable as you were the first time your wives looked at you with love. Maybe even more actually..life lessons hey ho...same for me with my former h.

Yet sometimes there is that tiny child inside me saying to my xh Why did you hurt me? What did I do? And why don't you care that you hurt me?....

I guess people evolve. Or break. Time tends to show which is which doesn't it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #74 on: November 02, 2019, 09:34:22 AM »
I am pretty much blown away by all of the recent responses. There's a lot to digest in them and it's going to take some time. But I do think I need to clarify something.

We all have different parts, or aspects, to our personality. I'm just like everyone else in that respect. For example, my actions and behaviors are different when I'm at work than they are when I'm with my family and I imagine that's true for most people.

The thing that's kind of strange for me is that I realize now that I have some parts that are dissociated. Those parts were born from trauma, they're stuck in that time, and they still hold the beliefs that were formed years ago. My dissociated parts haven't grown or matured emotionally or cognitively.

Over the years I've read a lot of self help books and worked through many of the exercises in those books, yet all that effort never led to permanent change. Now I know why. I'm getting the message but my dissociated parts aren't changing. It's kind of like expecting my brother to change because I'm working on self-improvement. My efforts don't impact him.

I'm mentioning this because my musings are not just for my benefit but also for Little Boy MBIB and Mr. SmartyPants and my other dissociated parts. I know that my mother loved me but was unable to express it but as I write this my 6 year old female part is crying and Little Boy MBIB is still certain that mommy didn't love him because he was a bad boy. I know that he's wrong but have you ever tried to argue with a 4 year old? Especially one that has experienced years of trauma?

So if I seem a little dense, Mr. SmartyPants would like you to know that I'm really not. I'm actually fairly intelligent and I do understand a lot of this stuff, I just don't know how to pass that on to my dissociated parts. But I think I'm making progress. A year ago I didn't know that these dissociated parts existed.

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #75 on: November 02, 2019, 09:44:24 AM »
I get that, sweetie.
And Mr Smarty Pants is very good at explaining things.
I can see your progress too, pretty huge progress actually from over here in the cheap seats.
And I often wonder whether your honesty and courage in talking here about those disassociated parts is also a window into potentially some of the disassociated parts of the broken folks we loved so much.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #76 on: November 02, 2019, 11:47:44 AM »
And I often wonder whether your honesty and courage in talking here about those disassociated parts is also a window into potentially some of the disassociated parts of the broken folks we loved so much.

I can't say whether it is or isn't. That's something you'll have to decide for yourself but I can tell you that my experiences with my dissociated parts is a big part of why I have so much compassion for my wife.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #77 on: November 03, 2019, 07:35:01 AM »
There is a very good documentary on Hulu called Many Sides of Jane.

It's a true story about a woman with Disassociate Identity Disorder. 

If anyone's interested.   ;)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #78 on: November 14, 2019, 06:25:53 PM »
I went to the funeral home tonight and said goodbye to an old friend of mine. He had a heart attack and died last week while on vacation in Florida. It was completely unexpected.

He was born 6 months before me and was married 6 months after me. We rode the school bus together, were in the same classes, and graduated together. For most of my 61 years he lived just down the road from me in this small town.

He told me a few years ago, jokingly, that he hated me during high school because he worked his butt off to get Bs and Cs and I got As without even working at it. He had a point. That wasn't fair. And now he's gone. That isn't fair either. I'm going to miss him. He always seemed like a rock. :(

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #79 on: November 14, 2019, 06:31:52 PM »
I am sorry for the loss of your friend - tragic.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #80 on: November 14, 2019, 06:40:28 PM »
That's quite sad, I'm sorry to hear Brain  :'(

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #81 on: November 14, 2019, 07:54:40 PM »
MBIB,

I am so sorry. I bet your heart hurts tonight. The loss of people that we cared about and have been in our lives for so many years feels like a hole. It feels very surreal. I hope you are surrounded by people that give you comfort and a place to share your memories and thoughts.
I will keep you in my thoughts tonight. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Thunder

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #82 on: November 14, 2019, 08:05:06 PM »
MB,

I am very sorry you lost such a long time friend.
It's nice you have fond memories of him.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #83 on: November 14, 2019, 08:33:08 PM »
Thanks everyone. This is my reward for getting old. If you live long enough you get to attend your friends' and relative's funerals.

I hope you are surrounded by people that give you comfort and a place to share your memories and thoughts.

Thanks Courage. I am. I have you guys. That's why I keep coming back here, even after I embarrass myself.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #84 on: November 15, 2019, 06:58:31 PM »
Sorry to hear you lost a long time friend, Brain. 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Treasur

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #85 on: November 15, 2019, 11:16:51 PM »
I'm sorry too, Brain. Hug from here xxxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #86 on: November 16, 2019, 08:20:19 PM »
Thanks everyone. This is my reward for getting old. If you live long enough you get to attend your friends' and relative's funerals.
This is sadly too true.

Quote
Thanks Courage. I am. I have you guys. That's why I keep coming back here, even after I embarrass myself.
It's what we are here for. To show you it's OK if you embarrass yourself, if you think you have embarrassed yourself but didn't, haven't embarrassed yourself or even if you embarrass one of us.  ;D

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. When our contemporaries start to pass, it starts getting a little distressing.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #87 on: November 20, 2019, 01:40:15 PM »
Thank you StillBaffled, Treasur, and OffRoad.

I got really angry at work today, which is very unusual. Here's what happened.

I was in the hallway when a former student walked by. I haven't seen her in a while because the class she was in ended more than a year ago and since then she switched to a program in a different department.

I enjoyed having her as a student. She's very intelligent, she was eager to learn, and she was very polite. Every time I saw her she would give me a big smile and say "Hello Professor". Every time. It always brightened my day.

When I saw her today she looked like she was staggering a little. When I said hi she looked at me like she was having trouble focusing, said hi, and kept on walking. I asked how her semester was going and she mumbled ok and then entered a classroom. I checked the schedule posted on the classroom door and found that she was 30 minutes late for a 50 minute class.

My impression was that she was either wasted, stoned, or experiencing a medical emergency so I stepped into my office and used my computer to find out who her academic advisor is, and then I went to see her advisor to find out if they've been having any problems with her.

Her advisor was great. We spoke for a few minutes and then she went back to the classroom with me. When class was over and the student came out we took her into my office to ask her what was going on. She told us that she's taking several prescribed medications, she started a new one this morning, and it was affecting her. She told us that she wanted to go back to her room and lie down and was upset when we pressed her to let us either take her to the campus health clinic or call for an ambulance.

I'm an EMT so I did a quick evaluation and decided that she didn't have the mental capacity at that time to make decisions regarding her medical treatment. She was really confused and wasn't fully aware of what was going on around her so I told her that her only options were to let us take her to the clinic or to wait for the ambulance to take her to the ER.

She decided to go to the clinic so her advisor drove us there and went into the treatment room with her. I'm a mutual aid responder for the ambulance that services our campus so I waited to find out whether they were going to want her to be transported to the ER. After they checked her out, they released her to return to her room in the dorm and contacted the residence hall staff to keep an eye on her. Her advisor took her to her dorm room and got her settled in and went back later to check on her.

So why I am angry? This poor girl was embarrassed and ashamed because the medication she's taking is for a mental health issue. I'm angry because we live in a society where this poor girl who is so smart and has so much potential is ashamed because she has a mental health issue. I'm angry because she's afraid people will judge her because she has a mental health issue and I'm angry because I know she's right. I'm also angry because we can do so much now to treat physical illnesses but we may as well be living in the dark ages when it comes to understanding and treating mental health issues. And I'm angry because it's so difficult to find competent mental health treatment providers. And I guess if I'm honest I have to admit that I'm also angry because I can't fix it.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #88 on: November 20, 2019, 03:35:12 PM »
MBIB,

Anger is the proper response to injustice. I am glad you were there. You maybe not have been able to fix it, but a timely intervention by someone who knows your baseline, who’s medically qualified to assess and who cares about your wellbeing and understands the stigma is a heck of a coincidence. So please don’t think you didn’t help.

You are very correct in saying, we don’t have the knowledge understanding or compassion we should have. It’s making life harder for people that already have challenges.

But know this, I don’t judge you, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are MBIB, and that is special and unique and wonderful. From what I know about DID or multiplicity, it requires a high amount of compassion, of respect, of allowing people or parts to be who they are, it requires nurturing and patience and being empathetic. You will have and entire set of skills that many do not have and never acquire.  You will see the world in a way many never get to see it. And you are writing the story of you.....I think it’s a good one.

I’m glad your former student got some help, I hope the next time you pass her in the hallway you get the smile and greeting that you are accustomed to, and that she feels a bit more herself the next time you two meet.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #89 on: November 20, 2019, 03:45:38 PM »
She's not on the right meds for her. I had the same issue.. They kept giving me mood stabilizers I was numb and I fell over constantly.

Coincidentaly I was just talking to xw about that this morning.

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #90 on: November 21, 2019, 10:37:16 AM »
I’m glad your former student got some help, I hope the next time you pass her in the hallway you get the smile and greeting that you are accustomed to, and that she feels a bit more herself the next time you two meet.

Thanks Courage. This is very sweet and it's exactly what I'm hoping for. Lots of smiles including an extra large one the day she graduates and moves on to the next stage in her life.

In some ways the experience was a good one because it helped me to remember why I became an EMT and a firefighter. While it's true that there are a lot of things I can't fix, it's also true that there are some things that I can fix. I can't fix my former student's long-term problems but yesterday she was experiencing a medical crisis and I was able to recognize it and help keep her safe. That will have to be good enough for now.

No update on her but today was another difficult day.

Last night I took my pills and got ready for bed. When I went to turn off my phone and plug it into the charger I got a message that the fire department was being called out for a fire in the town next to us. I quickly scanned the message and found that several of our fire units were being called out but I didn't see the ambulance listed so I figured they must have toned the neighboring town's ambulance. Sometimes they tone us because we can provide a higher level of service but it was 12:45am, I had an 8am class this morning, and I had already taken my pills so I went to bed.

This morning while driving to work I noticed there weren't any cars at the elementary school but I figured they must be having a staff training day or something. Shortly after I got to work I received a message from my granddaughter telling me to stay safe. I thought that was odd but wrote back and said thanks and told her to stay safe too. She then asked if I was at work and I said yes.

After I finished teaching my class I was in my office when a colleague came in and asked me what was going on in my hometown. After talking to him and doing some investigation I learned that our crew that responded to the fire found two bodies inside the house and both of them had been stabbed to death. The state police had been summoned, school had been canceled in the three surrounding towns and several other schools were in lockdown, everyone in my hometown had been told to stay home and shelter in place, and police were searching for a 17 year old boy who was described as a person of interest who was armed and considered dangerous.

Now for the disturbing part. The address where this occurred was on the same road where my wife lives with the om, it's a short road with only a few houses on it, I couldn't remember her house number, and the om has a son who lives with them, is in his late teens, has some mental issues, and has been known to threaten people with knives.

So I wrote to my granddaughter to ask her if she had heard from Grandma. She wrote back that she had heard from Grandma. that she was ok, and there were helicopters flying over her house. I'm home now listening to my pager in case we get called back out.

I know sometimes we think it would be easier if our MLCer would have died. I was faced with the possibility of that having happened this morning and I don't think it would be easier.

 

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