Author Topic: My Story Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken  (Read 2740 times)

Offline Nerissa

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My Story Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #40 on: October 08, 2019, 05:26:30 AM »
I’m
Learning a lot from this discussion too. 🙂

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #41 on: October 13, 2019, 08:38:31 PM »
Thanks everyone for your comments and your helpful contributions.

This morning I ran in a half marathon race. My goal was to meet the time-qualifying standard for my age group for the 2020 NYC Marathon, which is to finish a half marathon in less than 1:41:00. I'm happy to be able to report that I met my goal by finishing in 1:39:16. averaging 7:35 per mile, so I may be planning a trip to NYC next fall. My run was fast enough for me to be the 21st person across the finish line out of 429 finishers and to place 2nd out of 14 in my age group. I'm also happy to be able to report that this was my last race this season and the rest of my runs this year will all be easy runs.

In a couple of weeks I'll be 61 years old. I'm starting to wonder whether I might be getting a little old to be running like this.

Online gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #42 on: October 14, 2019, 11:44:10 AM »
Quote
I also realized tonight that I have a lot of shame regarding my dissociative disorder and that shame was reinforced by a forum member who questioned why anyone would listen to somebody who has parts but is it right for me to be ashamed because I was neglected and abused? Is it my fault that I developed a dissociative disorder in order to cope with my childhood experiences? I wouldn't want to be pitied but I don't think I deserve to be shamed or that I should feel ashamed but I still can't help feeling like a freak.

Sometime after post BD and for the first time, I think I got a really good long look at myself and I had a long moment or several of them, when I just cried. I knew how my past at home, with my parents had led me to this point and I just cried because it wasn't my fault. Although and it's probably why I was crying, I didn't do anything to deserve it, but I was stuck with the results of it.

I feel the same.. guilty, shameful, afflicted and why? I didn't do anything other than have bad parents too. My parents were exactly the same way, everything was "normal". We had a roof over our head, food on the table and I had it yelled at me often enough too. They were also convinced that "bad" parents must live in shacks by the rail yard. I think I was well into my 30's when I used the words abuse and bad in regards to my parents for the first time.

There's no reason to feel shame and I think there's a lot of power in taking ownership of yourself. However, I'm also guilty of not doing that. I don't know if I've ever out right said it here, but I've had a lot of GID my whole life and that stems from my mom. Your DID 6 year old is interesting to me and I intend to spend spend some time looking into it.

I can't even begin to point on a map where my mom's issues are, but my mom treated me like a daughter and she still does. It's odd because my mom is into sports and athletics and so is my sister, but my sister's personality more closely resembles my dads and I think since my mom's personality and mine are closer, she treated me like the daughter she wanted, I guess. I mean, she didn't make me wear dresses or anything tv movie worthy like that, but I can look back on things and think, but she knows I'm not a girl, right?

However,

Quote
I also think I was probably a problem child because of this gift that I have. I am curious about everything and I have lots of questions, some of them kind of strange, and I tend to be very intense and obsessive when I'm interested in something. I think I was the same way when I was little so I was probably very annoying because of it. I probably still am. I also believe that I'm overly sensitive because of this gift so I'm more easily hurt than I should be. I need to learn how to be tougher and quit being so sensitive.

I am / was exactly like this too and I think to an extent, this was justification for a lot of the emotional abuse I suffered as a kid. I still don't understand why some people are so threatened by it. I do think that has a lot to do how we both seem to have rejection and or abandonment issues.

I think your spend your whole life feeling criticized, called out and pushed away and it makes you distrustful of people. Rather than being surrounded by people who encouraged you, you got told in many different ways do you have to be so different? Why can't you be normal?

I think for me, that's how I split myself too. Older folks, were amazed that as a young kid, that I could take apart something like a flash light and fix it. These were the depression era folks and they valued thrifty-ness, fixing things and knowing how things worked so you could take care of them yourself and not rely on other people so much or money in that case. Even now, I'm a fixer and a recycler and reuser. That's just me, but I took so much away from pleasing older folks with it, I think part of me became one.

The other part, was this why can't you be different and more normal? fragment. I wanted to learn everything, play instruments, do arts and crafts, act in plays and home made movies. Oh BTW, you were saying my other thread about your dad having the organ and I feel your pain. Everything in my life was what my parents wanted. Asking for anything meant my mom had to talk to my dad and it became some board of directors meeting and I had to wait and eternity for answer and it was always no..

But anyway, I learned quickly that girls got whatever they wanted. As long as boys went out and played and didn't bother the adults, nobody cared what they did. But girls got piano lessons, dance classes and nothing was ever fair for them and all they had to do was cry and the whole world stopped. Between those observations and my mom who thought I was a girl anyway, it somehow clicked that a mistake was made somewhere and if I had been born a girl instead, people wouldn't want me to be different all the time and push me away.

I feel the same as you. I can't understand how my xW was the best friend I also had but also pushed me away like everyone else in my life. And when i tried dating, I was finding the same people that were doing the same thing to me. I came to the same conclusion as you.. there's something wrong with me. Either I put out these signals that say push me away or I haven't learned the proper social skill sets I should have and I have no clue what a normal non pushy away relationship feels like and I'm learning towards the latter..

I think you're right though. The trick is to not be so sensitive and don't react. Just wait and see what happens. I think part of the issue too is in our expectations.. We feel so maligned and pushed one way, we expect love or friendship to feel like the other extreme of the spectrum. Awesome, amazing, obvious and not subtle at all.

It does take work to maintain friendships, but I've tried and I too don't understand why I can't have those easy, always awesome relationships people seem to have.

I don't have the answers either, but you're not alone. I really have enjoyed reading the last few pages of your thread. I think you put a lot of good info and thoughts into your posts.

Maybe my 13 year old girl can baby sit for your 6 year old sometime. That'd be interesting  ;D
« Last Edit: October 14, 2019, 11:49:21 AM by gman242 »

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #43 on: October 14, 2019, 01:50:47 PM »
Well done BIB

Quite an achievement congratulations

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #44 on: October 14, 2019, 01:53:40 PM »
Quote
I feel the same as you. I can't understand how my xW was the best friend I also had but also pushed me away like everyone else in my life. And when i tried dating, I was finding the same people that were doing the same thing to me. I came to the same conclusion as you.. there's something wrong with me. Either I put out these signals that say push me away or I haven't learned the proper social skill sets I should have and I have no clue what a normal non pushy away relationship feels like and I'm learning towards the latter..

My dad pushed away physically and held back from being to affectionate or praising to much or affirming too much. My mom withheld physical affection and was emotionally distant but would ask about your emotions and exploit them to shame and torture you with later. That was love to me.

I realize now it wouldn’t have mattered.....I sought emotionally distant people because that is how I understood love.  I was lucky actually in my choice of a partner who was generally kind, and not violent who was not abusive. I am honestly surprised I didn’t pick worse.

But the same compulsion that made me pick an emotionally unavailable person is the same one that drove my H as well....his tendencies have exposed these old wounds for me to heal.....my tendencies have exposed his for him to heal.

Life is funny that way.

I have always been my fathers first “son”, girls had to be around my mom...boys got to play in the woods with axes, and have pocket knives and the weren’t second class citizens.  The could speak their mind, and have adventures, they could move away, they could be alone, they were allowed to dream bigger dreams.....and I wanted that. Once my little brothers were born I wasn’t allowed to do those things anymore. And around my mother I was wrong, shameful, a failure at being the type of girl she said I was supposed to be.....so I kind of rebelled against the idea of having to be a girl.

There is nothing wrong with the way that our child’s mind sorts or understands the world. It is our brain protecting us. It is survival.

I know I don’t have the right ideas about everything. I know I’ll keep attracting the wrong sort of people until I do. I will learn to be content with growing safely and slowly, with taking my time with people and things. I will notice the broken parts of others....because it’s always easier to first see it in someone other than myself.

I will mend the broken parts and perhaps when the siren call of brokenness and trauma has been diminished I will discover that I attract an entirely different set of people.....maybe people like us....looking for other healed people that know how to be kind without fixing, to validate without changing, to listen without saving. It will take time.  But I have plenty of that.

Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online OffRoad

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #45 on: October 14, 2019, 08:18:11 PM »
In a couple of weeks I'll be 61 years old. I'm starting to wonder whether I might be getting a little old to be running like this.
You are so funny, MBIB!!!  If the legs keep going, take advantage of them! There was a 75 year old woman who ran the 1.5 miles around the perimeter road of my community college twice every day when I was a teenage pup. I tried to keep up, but she was too fast for me.

61= 6+1=7. 7 is a prime number, so a prime year for you to run. (I have a whole year to come up with some crazy numerology for 62).

Congratulations on your time and qualifying!!
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #46 on: October 14, 2019, 08:46:55 PM »
Nice run, Brain! 

I agree with OR - you're soon to be in the "prime" of your running life!   :D
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online gman242

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #47 on: October 15, 2019, 05:31:34 AM »

But the same compulsion that made me pick an emotionally unavailable person is the same one that drove my H as well....his tendencies have exposed these old wounds for me to heal.....my tendencies have exposed his for him to heal.

Life is funny that way.

I have always been my fathers first “son”, girls had to be around my mom...boys got to play in the woods with axes, and have pocket knives and the weren’t second class citizens.  The could speak their mind, and have adventures, they could move away, they could be alone, they were allowed to dream bigger dreams.....and I wanted that. Once my little brothers were born I wasn’t allowed to do those things anymore. And around my mother I was wrong, shameful, a failure at being the type of girl she said I was supposed to be.....so I kind of rebelled against the idea of having to be a girl.

There is nothing wrong with the way that our child’s mind sorts or understands the world. It is our brain protecting us. It is survival.


I agree with you though. Our broke pieces just happened to fit together.

I think people are just who they are and they should be seen within the context of themselves.. I love outdoors stuff and nowadays, it's all women doing that stuff. I don't know if that's because guys just aren't into it anymore, or it's something for women to instagram about, but it's all women for real. I think the average dude now is sort of a sedentary nerd but it's the women who are wood working, fishing and hiking and all that stuff.. From a layman's perspective through the internet anyway. But every time I've taken S camping, I've seen plenty of moms who were out there by themselves, either with their kids or just a dog.

But regardless, I'd like to think we've evolved to a point where we can let each person find the life and the answers that are right for them.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 06:54:57 AM by UrsaMajor »

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #48 on: October 15, 2019, 05:39:15 AM »
Congratulations on your half marathon.  Such an impressive achievement.

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Goodbye from MyBrainIsBroken
« Reply #49 on: October 24, 2019, 03:59:02 PM »
Hello everyone. It was a nice afternoon here today. Sunny but a bit cool and windy. I went for an 11 mile run followed by a long chat with my daughter about recent events regarding her mother. Then I came home and had a lovely nap while in the middle of eating my dinner. ::)

I'm still tired and my sad part's very strong right now. I think melancholy is the word I would use to describe how I'm feeling.

I like you.

Thanks Treasur. I like you too. It's a good thing there's an ocean between us or I might feel compelled to start distancing myself.  ;)

Thanks for all of the nice comments regarding my recent race. I'm pleased that I found out that I'm good at something that people seem to value.

I think I'm going to go to the restaurant downtown for a piece of pie. Sometimes they have lemon meringue. Maybe today will be my lucky day.  :)

 

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