Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer What do you think it means to Pave the Way  (Read 842 times)

Offline heroIam

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Interacting with Your MLCer Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2019, 09:18:35 AM »







This is how I understood ‘Paving the Way’ early in my LBS journey.

It is important to note that it wasn’t PTW itself so much, but ‘for whom’ and ‘for what’ that I focussed on. 

I interpreted PTW as being for MLCer.
I interpreted PTW as being for an outcome, namely, reconciliation.

As a newbie, my intention was get my H love me again and return to marriage and Paving the Way sounded like the best title for ‘how to get your MLCer back’ handbook. 

(From my readings of threads, especially those of newbies, I’m not alone in this way of thinking.)

‘Perfect!  Now I can do something to fix this MLC mess’ was my thinking.  That is a nicer and kinder expression than the cold truth about what I was trying to do - attempting to manipulate another person in an attempt to bend him to my personal goal; often pretending who I was not; shaping my time and effort to suit what I thought were his needs and wants; bending backwards to make myself appear as an attractive force to him. 

Not a flattering observation of myself.

This way of looking at PTW placed H and reconciliation smack in the middle of my life. 


‘Hey, am I doing what I’m doing to stage someone else’s comeback to whatever?  H can pave his own way, thank you.’ dawned on me once I recovered some wits.

My personal interpretation of PTW changed then.  Instead of Paving the Way for someone else and with an objective, namely, reconciliation, it became about paving my own way. . 

From then on, PTW meant to me:

- Being my authentic self.  For example, be kind and compassionate because that’s who I am, and not because of any ulterior motive to woo him back.

- It is about building my own path, not labouring to build a road for H, just in case he might walk on it toward me and M.

Perhaps the best way to ‘pave the way’ is to focus on LBS’s own healing, learning and growing.  If MLCer ever opens his eyes to LBS, he will see a strong, resilient, self-sufficient, empathetic, authentic person who overcame one of the worst trials in her life and living every day with joy and thankfulness.  In my view, that is the essence of Paving the Way and being the Light House.  ‘Paving’ is a state of ‘being’, not a ways and means, in my view.



Absolutely everything Acorn said.
Took all the words right out of my mouth.
Perfectly said.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2019, 09:49:49 AM »
I guess the issue for me is Paving the Way to What?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2019, 10:38:43 AM »
I would have saved myself some time and energy if I had treated ‘Paving the Way’ as an appendage to ‘Mirror work’.  And, in much smaller font.  :P

In some ways, ‘paving the way’ is an escape clause for a chronic fixer like me.  Not saying any of us is.  ;D

I guess the issue for me is Paving the Way to What?

All the way to Rome, AKA reconciliation.  That was my personal interpretation.
Hello, my name is Acorn and I’m a fixer.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 10:59:24 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online OffRoad

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #13 on: July 06, 2019, 11:29:14 AM »
I interpreted it as paving the way for the MLCER to possibly come back by creating a road they would want to travel. As I walk along my path, I try (do not always succeed) to be kind and considerate, understanding with boundaries,  and compassionate. During the time XH intersects my path, whether at the beginning, all the way through or at the end, I am courteous, but do not accept poor behavior in a calm way, much as with my children. I definitely don't do everything he wants, but sometimes do with pleasure and hold my ground firmly, without anger, when I must say no.  I have, in my mind, paved the way for him to join me in my journey if he so desires, but if he doesn't my path takes me where I need to go. And even if he joins me, that doesn't mean reconciliation. It means we can tolerate or maybe enjoy each other's company. I have not built a wall behind me, or made sure he could not join me, though those are valid choices just not paving the way.

That's how I saw it.  I'm not standing, btw, just open to all possibilities, atm.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #14 on: July 06, 2019, 12:36:12 PM »
I too see Paving the Way as a standing action to create an easy path for the MLCer to travel back into the marriage. I think it applies to clingers more than anyone. You don't provide any resistance to reconciliation, you artfully place truth darts to make them thinky, and you form your life in such a way that they still have a valid re-entry point.

"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Nas

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #15 on: July 06, 2019, 02:54:31 PM »
I too see Paving the Way as a standing action to create an easy path for the MLCer to travel back into the marriage. I think it applies to clingers more than anyone. You don't provide any resistance to reconciliation, you artfully place truth darts to make them thinky, and you form your life in such a way that they still have a valid re-entry point.

I think by this definition, I agree it applies to clingers.  And possibly those who are financially responsible.

It's very hard to pave the way for someone who is willfully abandoning you and leaving you with nothing and not acknowledging that they've done so. I think most LBS with that kind of MLCer (like me) aren't standing, but supposing one were, it would be near impossible to pave the way, a) because they've vanished and b) when they do pop up, important issues about finances can't be ignored.  They can't just show up out of nowhere and have a pleasant conversation as if there's not some giant starving, homeless elephant in the room. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Anjae

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #16 on: July 06, 2019, 05:09:49 PM »
I know what is in the articles about Paving The Way say, but for me it had no meaning. By BD and early times were years before HS existed. I have never heard of Paving The Way until I got here, years down the road.

Being here, Paving The Way always seemed to be like one more thing that put stress upon an already very stressed LBS. Especially because Paving The Way is more important early on. Early on LBS tend to be too shocked or in survival mode.

It has also confused me why Paving The Way is so important since most marriages will not reconcile. LBS wellbeing always seemed more important to me.

Going by HS and real life, a MLCer wanting back does not seem to be related to Paving The Way. Some LBS did nothing by Pave The Way and their MLCer is not back, others never Paved The Way and the MLCer is either back or wanting back.

It is not possible to Pave The Way with Vanishers. Paving The Way may be something that is useful for those who were standing early on and keep standing, but may not be of much use for the rest of us.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #17 on: July 07, 2019, 01:08:19 AM »
My view of paving the way has nothing to do with paving the way for my H to come back. To me it means paving the way for me and my kids to a better quality of life. It’s paving the way for me to look back at the paved path without any regrets and be proud of my actions and strength at getting to where I need to be for me & my girls- weather with H or not. It’s more important to me that my girls grow up to be proud of me for navigating this nightmare and doing my best to ensure they grow up to be secure, confident & happy adults despite MLC. Treating MLCer with compassion and kindness isn’t about paving the way back to me but paving the way for me and my kids forward. That does not mean being a walk over or allowing MLCer to abuse me in order pave the way.

TBH I don’t like the term ‘pave the way’ and what it implies. Peoples understanding is varied and it’s a very ambiguous term and in my opinion contradicts the message to take eyes off MLCer and on to us.

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #18 on: July 07, 2019, 01:20:57 AM »
I agree with BS. I think the term is a bit ambiguous and can be a bear pit for newbies bc it is very easy to read into it what we desperately want to believe as true and possible immediately after BD.

Paving the way to a better healthier LBS future, regardless of what our h/w does, is probably more helpful. And it includes acting towards them in a way that fits who we are and want to be.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online xyzcf

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way
« Reply #19 on: July 07, 2019, 07:52:06 AM »
When I first discovered HS, there was more discussion concerning "paving the way" and what that means. Thinking about this today, I dug up "The Lighthouse" which contains some of my personal ideas concerning how to be there for him. Maybe it applies, maybe not but for those who have not ever seen this, I found it helpful to understand what I could do to keep the door open for him.

Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2010, 05:21:16 AM »
•   Quote
The Lighthouse

Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.

Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.

They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'

They are lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.

You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse.
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This is from the DB website.
I do not think we have this posted anywhere but if we do please, make me aware of it and I will remove this.

I also belive this is written from someone else not on the DB website.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2010, 05:29:01 AM by OldPilot »
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