[Velika]

Many people who arrive at this site do so in a deep state of trauma. They don't have the perspective many people commenting here have.

Paving the way means to create circumstances that make an outcome more likely.

I think if the odds are low and the person reading this phrase is traumatized and more likely to be engaging in magical thinking (which is not meant to suggest they are naive, just that magical thinking can be a typical reaction to severe trauma) — "pave the way" can easily be misconstrued, because it literally means something that many people posting here are suggesting can be interpreted in all variety of ways.

In addition to this, many MLCers are blaming their LBS spouse for their horrible behavior. I do not think this site does enough to draw the line to say that this is not the LBS's fault. Many LBS are being severely and repeatedly emotionally abused by someone who is threatening to take their home, children, and pets from them, not to mention finances and social support (through smear campaigns). Sometimes a disordered other woman is also participating, meaning the LBS is being ganged up on by two malicious and unwell people.

In this (all too common) circumstance, "pave the way" is inappropriate, no matter how well intentioned or nuanced it is intended to be. It is not the fault of a deeply traumatized person if they "misinterpret" it, especially when this site is peppered with stages, trajectories, and other assertions (often by frequent posters that a newcomer may mistake as a moderator or true expert) that many MLCers recover.

Mental illness is so, so taboo that it is considered more serious to allege it (or brain damage) than it is to have it. A person who has a coronary event may have lingering heart damage; a person who suffers from a knee injury may have permanent ligament damage, and yes a person who suffers an extreme neurological event (whatever the cause) may have lingering brain damage. This is couched in euphemisms like "fog," but this is really what many of us are talking about.

If you read about the brain, it is very easy to see that a MLCer's behavior correlates very clearly to frontotemporal lobe impairment. This does not mean every MLCer has the same thing, or a progressive illness, but I do think this is a unifying factor of many, many of these cases.

In my opinion, treating MLCers as if they are simply jerks or awful — without acknowledging cognitive impairment — keeps many LBS stuck and not taking the correct emotional and practical actions. Much of MLCer's behavior follows very, very specific patterns. Knowing these patterns can help an LBS respond to minimize damage to herself and the people and things she wants to protect, either by emphasizing that a MLCer's disordered behavior is not her fault, or by showing her that there are some formulaic ways to respond. I feel it also helps to raise awareness too, with the hope that this will eventually help to protect men and women like us.

I think Out of the Fog is a valuable resource to this end because it presents this in a neutral way. It helps someone organize their thinking around disordered behavior without suggesting that somehow doing so will change the behavior. The descriptions are balanced and do not over promise.

HS is an amazing resource and I appreciate these discussions and the self insights because like many fellow posters I can look back and see how my ideas evolved, and what I learned along the way. I think however that it really is important to use language that takes into account very vulnerable and newly traumatized LBS.

[RedStar]

Paving the way means to create circumstances that make an outcome more likely.

Although this sounds a lot like what I said above, I would just like to note that it is quite different.

This is important, because new LBSs want to fix and influence to get a certain outcome, and that is not how things work. We learn that here eventually.

In my view, we are not making anything more likely. We are only attempting (with no ability to do more than attempt) to make it *less unlikely*. These are not the same.

[RedStar]

"but may remember later how we treated them"

Exactly!

Yes Acorn that is proper paving in my book too.

That was me, not Acorn. Anyway...

ETA: Or maybe you were responding to both of us. Anyway again!

[Acorn]

Velika, you say such sensible things and then comes:

If you read about the brain, it is very easy to see that a MLCer's behavior correlates very clearly to frontotemporal lobe impairment. This does not mean every MLCer has the same thing, or a progressive illness, but I do think this is a unifying factor of many, many of these cases.

Your H has frontotemporal lobe impairment?  I’m sorry if that is the case...  That’s an incurable progressive disease and my heart goes out to you...

——————
You can simply not conjecture that ‘this is a unifying of many, many of these cases.’
How would you know? 

Projecting one’s own history on others is as unhelpful as the scenario you have mentioned in the following quote.  It’s the same kind of conjecturing, the only difference being the opposing ‘diagnosis’.  For what it’s worth, I see both of them as stumbling blocks for LBSs.

It is not the fault of a deeply traumatized person if they "misinterpret" it, especially when this site is peppered with stages, trajectories, and other assertions (often by frequent posters that a newcomer may mistake as a moderator or true expert) that many MLCers recover.

[Treasur]

Do you know I wonder if it is time for RCR to consider dropping the Pave The Way stuff altogether and replacing it with something which is more like Limit the Collateral Damage?
Reading others thoughts here has been rather enlightening tbh.

Why drop Paving The Way?
Bc there is something in the phrase that feeds in to a kind of desparate misguided LBS denial and the kind of magical thinking that V described.  It implies a lot of things that have big emotional resonance. Home. Return. Influence. Strength. Support. Activity. Even a sense of the LBS being 'right' and knowing better than the poor lost 'wrong' MLCer.
Bc as Thunder says it only seems to reach most MLCers either on their way in or way out of crisis.
And usually by the time the LBS has any idea what is going on, it's too late. Either bc the MLCer is both feet into crisis, or years later perhaps if they reappear, bc the LBS has been forced to move on.
And it is one more impossible thing for a reeling battered LBS to feel they 'should' do usually when they are struggling to eat, sleep or string a coherent sentence together.
And one more thing that the LBS tries to do and fails so it makes them feel even more sense of despair.
And it runs counter to the oft repeated 'it's not about you' and 'nothing you say/do will make a difference to how their crisis unfolds' principles so it is a bit confusing.

Maybe Paving The Way should be repositioned and explored as a prelude to reconnection? Something that might come later? I agree with the 'remember how we treated them' idea...but it isn't a guarantee is it? Most MLCers simply don't see or value our kindness or integrity at the time, even twist it to a kind of pressure actually. I think we should do it anyway for our own health and self respect but most newbie LBS come here believing that they can 'nice them back' or at least 'nice them into not being an insane monster'. I've not seen much evidence of that working in the stories here but some evidence of LBS martyring themselves or not looking after their own interests strongly enough bc they think it will get in the way of a future reconciliation.

But Limiting the Collateral Damage could be seen as a healthy, loving and constructive act for both LBS and MLCer. Something that links in with all the practical and emotional self care stuff. Something that LBS CAN do that protects themselves and their families. And also perhaps leaves any recovering MLCer with less damage to take ownership for that might impede any honest desire to reconnect? Even less damage for the LBS to forgive? Just a thought.

[Thunder]

Redstar, sorry I was agreeing with both of you.   

[OffRoad]

I got more from validation as opposed to any paving, fwiw. The words "I'd feel that way if I thought that", left him confused and shut down monster. So maybe validation is part of paving the way.

I still see paving the way as leaving a way for them to come home should they choose to do so and you choose to leave a path open. And it includes boundaries, courtesy, requirements, and getting yourself in a place where you become the person YOU want to be, not the person someone else wants you to be. Paving the way is NOT pretzling yourself to make someone want to come home. It's making it so they don't NOT want to come home.IMO.

[Velika]

Acorn, I do believe most MLCers are experiencing an impairment to the frontotemporal lobe, but was careful to state that this could be the result of a variety of causes and not necessarily progressive.

Depression can cause an impairment to the frontotemporal lobe. So can lesions, tumors, strokes, drug reactions, and all variety of factors.

Acting affronted by this suggestion further fuels the taboos around mental illness that keep people from getting the help and diagnosis they need and creating more victims in the process. The brain, whether we like it or not, is a physical organ of the body that can be damaged, impaired, and changed.

Because we see the seat of the self as residing in the brain, this idea is frightening to us. I think this is why people who find a way to connect spiritually to the MLC and LBS experience can in some ways heal and transcend it, even if the circumstances do not change.

If we see ourselves and our MLCer on a soul journey, rather than simply material, I think we can often find wisdom, healing, and forgiveness, no matter our specific faith or beliefs.

I agree with what Treasr has written. I deeply believe that if someone can and does recover from MLC, then they would be in a state to feel genuine empathy and care for their spouse and what they went through.

[FIRETRUCK]

To my mind, Paving the Way' means different things over time.
When I first found this site, the only things I was interested in were Reconnection and Reconciliation- Both mean different things to me now..they have little to do with XH.
Paving the Way absolutely makes sense, if you can see it as a trigger for a new perspective. As others have said, it starts with "how would I, myself like to be received" - the idea that I am creating an environment that my spouse would want to be in...but ultimately, I am creating an environment that fosters love...and that extends to everybody in my life, especially to myself.
Reconnection to me has come to mean reconnecting with myself..first - and I am still in the process of working on that. For example: I went NC with my spouse almost 3mths ago and on his last attempt, I took his call and asked that he stop contacting me. I am aware that I am in a new stage which I would like to call a LBS Transition, though I think it's similar to the MLCer's Final Fears - I really need to do this part without interruption - it's as if I am acutely aware of my progress and really considering where 'I" want to go from here. I am wondering  perhaps whether it's possible that others who are reconnecting/reconciling with their spouses are sometimes a little frustrated...because of missing this step.
I think Paving The Way is a very important part of the journey.
Firetruck

[terra]

Firetruck, love your screen name.

The short of it for me: paving the way means treating the MLC spouse as you would any other child of God. Even if they are acting like the child of the opposite, and even if you are not religious.

Be gentle, open, accepting and kind but with the boundaries of respect and a bit of indifference or impersonality that you afford any innocuous stranger or acquaintance. Listen more than you speak, and speak briefly, respectfully, and mostly superficially.

In the world, we sometimes say be kind to others because you never know what anyone is struggling with. We *definitely* don’t know what the MLC spouse is struggling with. Even in the best times of marriage and closeness, it’s not possible for anyone to know everything another grapples with inside its own mind. So that respect and reserve or “hands off” has to apply when spouse has gone MLC.

Honestly that has been part of the lesson for me in h’s absence or abandonments. I realize pretty often where although I thought I did respect him and quite a lot, maybe it’s more true that I admired him deeply. I don’t think he went away to gain my full respect, but if he should ever return and we reconcile, that is what’s here waiting for him now. And it’s deep and whole, and very different than what I felt or showed or thought I showed before all this.

He’s a child of God, they all are, and so are we. I don’t pave the way for him as much as I do maybe selfishly in alignment with my own values and faith, so that I can live with myself, look myself in the face in the mirror every morning, and sleep ok at night.

I don’t sleep well every night. Just saying. It’s not easy, and it’s a day to day choice and sometimes minute to minute. And results are yet to be determined.