[megogirl]

To me, Paving the Way means absolutely nothing.

Because my XH is "remarried" (still makes me ill to use the word "married", because clearly he doesn't understand the meaning.)  So there is nothing to Pave the Way toward.

It used to mean leaving him alone, but also being cordial when warranted.

[Thunder]

Mego, I have to agree with you.

Why would you continue paving the way if they marry someone else?  That makes no sense to me.

It's like saying maybe you can do something to destroy their marriage and get them to come back to you.
Who would want them back that way?

[megogirl]

maybe you can do something to destroy their marriage

Except I don't have to, Paving the Way or not.

I know that it will self-destruct on its own.  Just a matter of time.

[megogirl]

Even standing implies an outcome. One is standing for something or someone. HS has many contradictory terms and ideas. Yet, once again, standing is at odds with letting it go and no expectations. If one is standing one has an expectation.

I beg to differ. 

Because many of us are Standing because we promised God "for better or for worse, til death do us part."

Honoring what we promised God doesn't guarantee an entrance to Heaven.  So I "expect" nothing in return. 

Only hope.

[Milly]

For me paving the way was a goal. It gave me something in the distance to aim for. For me it meant being a better person, a lighthouse, someone to follow. It didn't necessarily mean it would get me my H back, but it implied that I would be becoming a better person whatever were to happen with my H.

This is the kind of person I am anyway, so it fit in well with my personality. I do feel that I lost some of the grace I was born with during my marriage, and I was happy to try to regain it.

I am a stander - for now. I am a stander until I don't want to be one any more. I do feel that more recently on HS behaving like a stander gets retaliation from some members. I, too, am uncomfortable relating all my feelings now a days. As a stander, I'm going to do what I feel would be the behaviour that would attract me.

I can't forgive yet. I hope to do so some day just for myself. I do think that if my H were to apologize or show remorse, it would be much easier for me to forgive him. Without this, I'm not sure I'll be able to completely forgive him. If my H doesn't come back, I would want to forgive him just so that I reach that place where thinking of him and what he did to us won't bring up all the anger again. So that would be completely for me, for my own peace. I'm much less angry now than I was a couple of years ago, so I'm thinking I might reach that place with time any way.

[Treasur]

I am a stander until I don't want to be one any more. I do feel that more recently on HS behaving like a stander gets retaliation from some members. I, too, am uncomfortable relating all my feelings now a days.

Out of interest Milly, what kinds of posts do you see that seem like retaliation against standers?  No need to name names or do specifics, just a general idea. Bc I have seen others say something similar and I am not sure I always get it. But I'd like to.

We all have our biases. If my situation had been different, I might have tried harder to stand or been more unsure about not standing at least. And bc limiting contact saved my sanity and bc I know what it is like to be threatened and afraid, that probably makes me see some things as priorities for an LBS in crisis. But truthfully, I am sad that I could not stand or find hope for more than letting go of my h and I would never want to judge others who manage to be able to do what I could not.

[xyzcf]

Milly:

I am a stander - for now. I am a stander until I don't want to be one any more. I do feel that more recently on HS behaving like a stander gets retaliation from some members. I, too, am uncomfortable relating all my feelings now a days. As a stander, I'm going to do what I feel would be the behaviour that would attract me.

I agree Milly.

Being a stander is different and some people have difficulty with our choice.

[megogirl]

I do feel that more recently on HS behaving like a stander gets retaliation from some members. I, too, am uncomfortable relating all my feelings now a days. As a stander, I'm going to do what I feel would be the behaviour that would attract me.

Milly!! Me, too

Well, I agree on your third statement.  As for the other two...I'm not uncomfortable, probably because I really don't care what anyone thinks re: Standing.  (Maybe that's why I seem to be so polarizing here?)

My XH IS REMARRIED.  But I have to believe that faux "marriage" will crash and burn in due time. 

And that when all is said and done, he would have enormous respect for someone who would honor their vows, and family, so seriously.

[xyzcf]

But I have to believe that faux "marriage" will crash and burn in due time.

That belief "may" not allow you to get on with your life. It can keep you stuck thinking that one day he will return home.

I truly believe in the mantra "live as though he is never coming back."

We don't know the outcome. We truly cannot predict that.

Standing is possible even when the odds of their return may be low.

Non standers also reconcile so don't equate standing with something that will cause him to return.

[Anjae]

I see no posts retaliating against standers. Just posts saying many, if not most, will never reconcile and that many that are now standers, or were at first, stop being.

Standing for years on end or for life is not realistic for many people.

Non-standers do reconcile. Therefore, is there a point in standing if one sees standing as aimed at reconciliation? Standing is not required for reconciliation.