Author Topic: My Story Growing #6 (but divorced)  (Read 2049 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #80 on: November 09, 2019, 09:52:10 AM »
Quote
..(triad almost auto corrected to tirade!)

 :)...well, I hope not, but if the hat fits lol
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline seahorseTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #81 on: November 10, 2019, 12:25:12 PM »
Follow-up to yesterday's text I sent, which made me feel oh-so-good (thank you Jagger for being the role model)...

So, after I sent the text to H (answering if S18 got his gift card from 3 days prior), telling them that his texts are hurtful, and when that is the case, I choose to ignore them when feasible.  But, yes, S18 got gift card.

H answered that the situation with S18 is extraordinary painful and that I am not helping guide S18 at all.
Looking at that today, it could be construed as nasty, but I chose not to look at it that way.
Sillly me (?) looked it as a taking down of bricks, softening on both sides.

I replied that I am sure that it is oh so painful, and never what I had wished for.  That I am teching our sons to be the best people possible and to hold themselves to the highest level of morals and standards.  To teach them right from wrong without imposing any control; just guidance.

Then I went on to text that over the last 2-1/2 year journey that I've been on, I've realized that I can't control anyone else's actions but my own.  That I talked about natural consequences with the boys, and that they choose their own actions.

Well, no reply, and I'm not even sure whether he read the whole thing.  No matter.  I got my bit in, and I feel good about it.  It wasn't done with the intention of driving him away, or angering him, but hopefully to give him some insight into why I do what I do.

Now, I have no reason to contact him, and maybe I can detach a little better again.

Sea
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Online Treasur

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #82 on: November 10, 2019, 12:34:08 PM »
I understand the desire to say your peace, sea, and sometimes we just need to do that.
I suspect though you will find that your h doesn't care what you think or why you are acting as you are; only his needs and his story.  ::)...MLCers are rarely keen on letting logic get in the way of a bit of self pity or a nice tantrum lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline seahorseTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #83 on: November 10, 2019, 12:39:43 PM »
Treasur -
So true...
And I think I realize that.
I felt I needed to put it out there.
I no longer try to defend myself when he monsters, but because this was sent with kindness and with no expectations, I felt it was okay.
He may not ever finish reading it, but I got it off my chest.

I forgot to mention that I was hiking with a friend today.  She said she's run into H twice recently and he looked unhappy and tired on both occasions.  I found that only a little interesting as that seems to be the norm for the MLCer...
The low point of the hike was when a lady in our hiking group (met today) asked if we were mother-daughter!   >:(
WTF?:?  I'm only 1 year older than my friend (okay maybe a little heavy, and I DO have gray hair by choice), but still... ::)

Sea
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 12:43:36 PM by seahorse »
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Online Treasur

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #84 on: November 10, 2019, 01:28:41 PM »
Did you push her accidentally over a cliff and claim a 'senior moment' lol?
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 01:30:12 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline seahorseTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #85 on: November 10, 2019, 01:51:23 PM »
Did you push her accidentally over a cliff and claim a 'senior moment' lol?

Treasur - Hahaha!   ::)
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Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #86 on: November 10, 2019, 03:06:44 PM »
Sea, it’s amazing how much we learn on this lbs journey!  I’m unsure what your MLCer thought of your words, but I found them wise and also something I have begun to learn.  We only have control of our own choices, no one else’s, not even our children’s.

P.S.  I love the “senior moment” idea:)
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline seahorseTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #87 on: November 10, 2019, 06:35:35 PM »
Thank you Joy---
It IS amazing how much we learn and how resilient we become on this journey.
Regarding the senior moment - my son says I was mistaken for the mother because of my gray hair makes me look older; and he said that's okay!

When I arrived home tonight, H had left 4 envelops in my mailbox:
An escrow analysis and shortage dated 9/19.
A mortgage bill dated 10/21 (not bad).
Eventhough I have full access to the house and live here, the statements still get forwarded to his new home because he's the first account holder.  UGH - drives me crazy!
A cheap metal bookmark from my Dad's state (which he acquired when his things were packed, somehow) and
Two camp fire girl charms, acquired the same. 

IDK why he felt he needed to drop those off tonight (and run) - our mailbox is at the end of our very long driveway.

My S21 told me that H is leaving for military tomorrow for 2 weeks.
Should be quiet during that time...

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #88 on: November 11, 2019, 03:36:19 AM »
If I may offer one possible theory on the "drop and dash" perhaps?

He's probably feeling a bit like this guy after the truth darts..

and not wanting to get skewered anymore (i. e. face the consequences of his actions and the resulting guilt.. )

If I may be so bold to make a suggestion - next time H starts whining about S18, remind him that S18 is an adult and that it is between H and S18 to work on their R, NOT you and S18 to work on the R between S18 and his father... H made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

2 weeks of reservist duty might shake H up a bit... or maybe not...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline Nerissa

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Re: Growing #6 (but divorced)
« Reply #89 on: November 11, 2019, 04:25:35 AM »
I read H’s text as a plaintive lashing out because he is in some pain.  He wants his old mum to fix it.  He probably doesn’t realise this - he just feels the hurt and blames you.

I think the explanation was ok really - not over-the-top defending yourself and perfectly adult - he was in child-mode.  It might work it’s way into him over time.  He didn’t expect his children to be like this. He thought they’d get over it and be pleased he is happy.  (Good luck to him with that 😬)

 

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