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Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

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My Story Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#10: July 13, 2019, 09:21:57 AM
Thanks Father and Tresur your comments are insightful as usual.

I am working on my self esteem and although it was taken a huge knock recently, i take pride in having fought hard.  I do not try to help my W with her crisis, i suggest nothing and we deal mostly with co parenting the kids.  I keep a close eye on the finances as much as i can.  I think it extremely unlikely my wife could obtain credit on her own, but appreciate how cunning she has been so far and is in a position where she cares nothing for me or the family finances.  I will be ware, but i wont snoop.

I am doing more exercise and spending time with my kids, close friends and parents.  Although these carers dont know of all W's offences, they know she has monstered in response to my depression.  They know everything except the affairs, so I do get some genuine support.  But only me and D17 knowing of APs is difficult to bear. 

I work hard each day on GAL, getting fit and thinking about me and not W.  Helping others in work and at home makes me feel stronger.  Being on HS makes me feel stronger.

One matter I would like opinions on is that my wife has secretly looking at buying a double bed for D13s room.  I presume this is so W can move from camp bed in D13s room to share bed with D13.  I presume this only as nothing has been discussed and I have not mentioned it. 

With most of W's behaviour I strive to not react and if pushed for a response try and stay neutral.  My question is...  if/when this purchase comes up, what do i say?  That im not sure this is good solution for D13?  That if he long term plan is not to return to our bed that she needs to think of a better solution?  I presume that youngest 3 kids just think we dont sleep together as we are both poor sleepers recently (for some reason!)  Should i just agree to the purchase and not venture an opinion?

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#11: July 13, 2019, 10:05:18 AM
What do YOU see as the different options? What are the constraints of configuring sleeping space differently?
And what is best for your daughter? Imho that comes first...and also influences if you need to intervene with a boundary for your w before she acts or not. Detaching does not mean that everyone else just swirls around what your w wants and sucks it up...you will probably get some Monster but if you need to protect your kids with a boundary, then so be it. How can she buy a bed if she doesn't have much independent money out of interest and how did you find out this possible 'secret'?
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 10:09:02 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#12: July 13, 2019, 10:38:22 AM
Well Treasur, there not many options for where W sleeps, there is one spare room downstairs where she slept initially after leaving our bed, but this room is used in the day and is used to access the main living space in our house, so meant that logistical issues ensued and W moved upstairs to share room with D13.  There is no other space, except with her loving husband of 27 years of course!  I know W will have to tell me of purchase because she wont have enough money and the only debit card is to joint account.  I found out because she put 3 beds in shopping basket online and i saw this on my phone.  I dont think its great setup for my D13, but how do i enforce this boundary?  She is already in D13s room! 
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#13: July 13, 2019, 10:44:55 AM
Well, I'd guess you could just say no and invite your w to come up with a better solution?
Bc it really isn't your problem to solve is it? Your w is an adult albeit not a very functional one.
Unless you think it would be better for your D13 to share with one of her sisters?
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 10:52:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#14: July 13, 2019, 11:04:45 AM
LW, presuming the double bed is for your house, if your wife is uncomfortable in a single bed and you should decide that you won't let her buy a double bed for her and D13, she could start thinking of other options. Just saying, because they don't think of the best options for their families, just the best options for themselves.

If you saw this on your phone, why not question her about it? No accusations, just ask whether she was thinking of changing the bed solutions. If she is uncomfortable, there is nothing you can do to get her to choose the marital bed. She will choose anything else, even a floor, rather than that. It's a cruel part of this crisis. If you read the threads of the live ins, they often have their MLCer living in their cave. Not really a cave, but just a word to symbolize a bad place in the house,  but their own space.

Personally, if I would have known about MLC before my H left, I would have done anything to have him stay at home and that includes giving them their needed space. I like Treasur's idea of having D13 sleep in one of her sibling's rooms for now? But I realize that might be unfair on the other siblings.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#15: July 13, 2019, 11:27:46 AM
For what it’s worth, at 13 I would not be wanting to share a bed with my mother. My daughter was that age very recently and although she has often taken to sleeping in my bed with me, it is never me asking her to do it. She has her own room and bed.

Your daughters are of ages when they should be free to their own individuation, dreams, and budding or active sexuality. As a parent, just as I would not expect them to share a bed with me at these ages, I also would not be buying them new double beds.

We have always been co-sleepers from babyhood and as the *child* decides necessary through the years. But I’d say no in the situation you’re talking about. It’s an energy thing. I don’t know how you would phrase any of it, but my thought would be that D13 doesn’t need the disruption of a new bigger bed with a mixed-up mother in it. Your daughters are on the brink of their own young womanhood and deserve their own privacy and dreams.
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#16: July 13, 2019, 11:28:13 AM
I'm not sure I care about them sharing a bed, its more the permanence of the arrangement that concerns me.  To ask my D13 to share with sibling seems unfair on both siblings, why should they when this my W's problem?  I have not asked W about it as she has often made plans to leave, get house valued, get an amazing new job etc, etc but hasn't followed through on them, this may be another of those 'great ' ideas that doesn't happen.  Either way if she brings it up I will be clear that i think her sharing with D13 long term is not great for my child and i think she should seek another solution, no doubt monster will ensue and in reality she can get her mother to pay for a bed and i cant stop her doing it, but i can not help and not approve of her decision.  Co parenting is really hard when one of the parents in so selfish.  Thank you all for your help.  It is so useful to get a view from outside this bubble!
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#17: July 14, 2019, 12:03:57 AM
So sorry you're here Little Wing, but I'm glad you found us. I can see you've already received some advice from some wise veterans. I don't have much to add, except to encourage you to be good to yourself. What would you say if a buddy told you a story just like yours? Treat yourself the way you would treat that buddy.

You're doing well in an extremely difficult situation. Take care of yourself so you can be there for your kids.

So sorry for all of this. I'm really heartbroken for you and your family.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#18: July 14, 2019, 01:05:13 AM
Hi Little Wing,

If I understand correctly, the only other "bedroom" is a pass through room that everyone NEEDS to walk though to get to the main living area (an add on room? I'm trying to visualize) During the day when the kids are at school, no one is walking through that room. After the kids go to bed, you can also go to your room and no one will walk through that room. That leaves 6 hours where someone might walk through that room. Is there a way to partition off the room and make a "hallway" for pass through, say with an inexpensive or garage sale bookcase?

The reason I ask is that your wife should not be encroaching on any of your children because she has an issue. How do you think that will make D17 feel, that her mother who she is royally PO'd at, is sleeping in the same bed with D13?  That is a perfect storm for screwing up a sibling relationship when D13 seems to have no say in the matter. Then there is the issue of sleeping in the same bed. Wrong on so many levels because Your W is STEALING space from D13. D13 didn't say " Hey mom, come share my room and hey, why not  my BED, too?" I'd have been MORTIFIED to share a bed with my mother. I'd rather  have shared with a sibling. Or twin beds at the minimum. Actually, I'd have slept in the bathtub before I'd share a room with my mother.  Maybe ask D13 what she wants? Maybe she'd like to live in the pass through room if it meant having at least some space of her own. Maybe S10 would like to share with you? Is that an option for freeing up a room?

And I'd suggest you need at least one more appt with a counselor to help you figure out how to manage this with your kids. Sweeping it under the rug and pretending it's normal isn't going to cut it, unless you want one of them to have their own issues with parents gaslighting them. They are way too old for that.

This is a bad situation all the way around and I am so sorry you have to go through this. An at home MLCer is incredibly tough and unless you are able to set some boundaries and enforce them, accepting whatever consequences arise, then you are at the mercy of your MLCer. That's OK, if that is your choice, but know that if you are worried she will leave or divorce you or what have you, you will  be walking on eggshells for the duration. And if she does things like move in with D13, your kids will be walking on eggshells, too. Just be aware.

I would also suggest making sure nothing sits in your bank account waiting for an automatic payment. That money that was supposed to go to the mortgage? It might just be paying for that double bed and then the mortgage payment cannot be made. Financial logistics are very important.
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#19: July 14, 2019, 01:46:36 AM
OR makes a lot of sense.
I think many livein LBS do feel like a bit of a hostage to the eggshells and whims of an MLCer either bc they believe if they leave there is no hope for the marriage or bc they are trying to protect their kids or finances from what they think might be worse.
And the MLCer knows us well enough to know that and they use it to manipulate us. And of course they lie and say things but don't do them.

The simple truth I suspect is that you need to stop caring if they stay or go.
And act as if you feel that way until you do. Many folks here do say that there is a sense of relief when/if they do go actually for them and the kids.
It is a hard pill to swallow that almost certainly your w does not care much what happens to any of you or how her behaviour effects any of you. If she did, she would be making different choices. But none of you can live an even close to sane life with someone who is like a suicide bomber in the corner of the room can you?

So I think OR is wise....quarantine what you can including finances as OR says bc this is no longer the w you knew and old rules do not apply. If it helps, maybe think about behaving the way you would with an addict? They steal and lie and avoid reality or responsibility while seeing themselves as a victim. You don't have to stop loving her, or hate her or give up hope for better....but you do have to deal with the current reality in the room and help your kids do so too bc they are too old to not see and feel how not normal this/she is.

Take control of what you can. Keep telling yourself that what your w thinks about it or you right now does not matter (as long as you know you are not being a vindictive a$$). She will think what her depressed crisis head wants to think regardless and you can't talk grown up to disordered. If she stays, it could be a holding pattern of a year plus. And she may go anyway at any given point....all she needs really is an OM with house room and a reasonable salary to pay her bills for a bit right?  If she stays or goes, it will have nothing to do with anything you do or say or the size of a bed.

To do all of that, you may need to work hard to almost push yourself to accept two things that you don't want to...that your old marriage is dead in the water and that your w will not probably be a sane decent adult for another couple of years at least even if she never leaves. I am so sorry that this is how it is but reading between the lines, I am genuinely concerned for just how heavy a load you are carrying and sometimes the only way to carry less is to choose to let go of some things, often quite a lot of things we really don't want to and before we feel ready to do so. It's an act of faith really that you and the kids will survive this, that you will be ok...and you will...even if life ends up looking rather different.

If you knew say that nothing would change in your w for say the next two years, would you make different choices now? Not saying you should or would, just suggesting that you might want to free your mind to chew on it in case it creates different options or clarifies your thinking.
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 01:52:32 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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