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Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

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My Story Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#20: July 14, 2019, 03:53:30 AM
Thanks OR and Treasur for your thoughts... they are exactly my thoughts.

  I have taken financial precautions in regards to payments for mortgage etc. they are all paid out on pay day and i am alerted immediately to any transactions from joint account.  I think the bed issue may be dead in the water, but i am prepared to challenge W if it comes up.  I do not care if she leaves, but she has no intention of leaving - she has what she wants at the moment.  W is clear that if she is involved emotionally or physically with OM I will leave and apply for court order to sell house.  I have no expectation that she will come out of this.  I am making preparations for dissolving our marriage and selling family home as much as I can.  I am standing but preparing for the worst.  I make a judgement every day as to how negatively the status quo effects me and our kids and deciding if the split option is better for all in the long run.  Currently the balance is that this situation is marginally better than a split, but I watch very closely W's behaviour and children's reaction.

  I have accepted the awful truth that if this situation deteriorates much further I will have to finish our marriage for the good of all concerned.  If this happens I will know that I have done all I can.

Thank you all for your kind words and support.
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#21: July 14, 2019, 08:56:34 AM
Hi All,  I am interested if anyone has thoughts on the following: 

My W acknowledged about four months after BD that she had suffered a MLC.  Is it unusual for MLCer to recognise this?

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#22: July 14, 2019, 10:18:05 AM
Mine said she "might be having an MLC" with a little,  rueful laugh in marriage counseling.  At the beginning, before monster really showed up and OM was exposed, she also said she was "culpable."  Later, when I was moving out, I got a speech on hormones and how I should understand she needed to get over OM.  I think they have a clue, they just cant break the compulsions.   

In my case, this certainly wasn't the beginning of the end of MLC! She's still in the tunnel, still doing nasty things to me, and still making unilateral decisions about our life and our child without checking with me first.

She first announced she wanted a D in February of 2017.  She just recently filed, and has done nothing else to move forward.
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 10:19:06 AM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#23: July 14, 2019, 12:30:17 PM
Mine said she "might be having an MLC" with a little,  rueful laugh in marriage counseling.  At the beginning, before monster really showed up and OM was exposed, she also said she was "culpable."  Later, when I was moving out, I got a speech on hormones and how I should understand she needed to get over OM.  I think they have a clue, they just cant break the compulsions.   

In my case, this certainly wasn't the beginning of the end of MLC! She's still in the tunnel, still doing nasty things to me, and still making unilateral decisions about our life and our child without checking with me first.

She first announced she wanted a D in February of 2017.  She just recently filed, and has done nothing else to move forward.

Thats very interesting Dis, mine said 'Its an awful, awful thing to be in a MLC'.  My W is so far in the tunnel I dont think she can see daylight. 

Know all about unilateral 'co-parenting'! Its a big challenge to draw boundaries..

 My W also made all the moves to D then changed her mind and said she would do nothing to D me.  I wish life as an LBSer was duller day to day.  The roller coaster is so draining.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#24: July 17, 2019, 02:45:16 AM
So just a quick update on last few days on living in with my MLCer..

Tackled W over bed issue two days ago, its not happening and she took this quite well, accepted it with just a bit of monster... mostly just angry looks, silence and avoiding me.  So not that different from normal.

 W was upset yesterday as she had visited her elderly friend in hospital and when she returned she came towards me for a hug, we haven't touched for about a month and I felt so much pressure!  I was very neutral and felt quite normal to hug her with no expectations. 

But within 5 minutes she returned to coldness - barely looking at me, not speaking and generally keeping away from me at all costs.  Some looks that could kill.

 I have to say i felt very down.  I thought I was doing better with detachment, but this just pulled me back in and I have felt low since then.  Still coping with work and being positive round kids, but inside I feel down.

 I was disappointed that she still has this hold over me.

I tried to remember how much better I am now than when i found out about previous  two PAs over last 18 months, but still had to spend some time on my own in garden last night trying to calm myself...  I fell to rumination and inevitably that led to anger; deciding I wanted out of the M - that I was no doormat, deserved better and had to control something!  Despite having dealt with these thought for getting on for two years, they came back so strong 

So I walked in the house ready to pack a bag and leave - enough is enough!

But I walked back in to the house angry and ready to pack a bag and I see my W and S10, D13,D15 all snuggled up on the couch chatting and laughing happily... and I realized what I would be doing if I felt I had to finish the marriage, that innocents would suffer. 

So i thought about my four beautiful children and carried on carrying on.

Hopefully today will be less painful...

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#25: July 20, 2019, 04:55:39 AM
Hi All

could really do with some advice here.  I am still standing despite the ups and downs.  BD was 11 months ago, although we had some false starts with W having an early PA and exhibiting replay behaviours for at least five years before BD.  I am standing for my kids and my wife.  My question is about wedding rings...

BD pushed my W to the edge of sanity, she committed serious self harm to herself and had other indications of depression and cognitive dissonance, I protected her and my four wonderful children from the worst of this, wearing my wedding ring with pride - that I was standing by her in her crisis, (At this stage I did not know what standing was, that I was an LBSer, although we both knew she was in MLC). 

About three months ago the situation was really bad - my W's anger and resentment came on very strongly and any guilt she felt transformed in to blaming me for her unhappiness, she was verbally abusive, dismissive of our marriage and clear that we had no future together.  Additionally at this time I found out other sordid details of her last PA and that she still spoke to OM on social media, OM had tried his absolute best to destroy our M at the time of BD.  I stopped wearing my wedding ring at this point as I felt that we had no chance of reconciliation, (I had not found HS at this point and didnt know what standing meant - i was ad-libbing poorly).  W continued to wear her ring up until a month ago when she also removed hers. I have not discussed this with her, avoiding any R talk.

What do I do now?  I think I want to wear my ring again as a sign that I am committed to our marriage, but does it look like pressure to my MLCer if she sees me wearing it again?  Should I leave it off or put it back on without comment?

Please help me, I have little support in my life at the moment and despite reading everything I can find, I still feel as if I am stepping through a minefield....  I cant work out if this is important only to me, or if its not important at all.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#26: July 20, 2019, 06:51:40 AM
Little Wing,

I don't know if my advice is worth much... I still wear a wedding band - it is not actually my wedding ring because about 18 months into this, my h. asked me to stop wearing my wedding ring out of respect for him. He was living with ow at the time, he had been out of the house for over a year. I thought about it, and I decided to buy a silver band and I had it inscribed with  Soli Deo Gloria, so I stopped wearing the offending wedding ring as he wished and started wearing a silver band on my wedding finger. I have never taken it off since. He divorced me over four years ago and I still wear it. I have no wish to show the world that I am divorced or unmarried.

I think that if you decide to put your wedding ring back on, you might want to tell your wife why, very briefly and without pressuring her to do the same. JMHO
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#27: July 20, 2019, 08:58:13 AM
Thank you Mitz for your reply.

I admire your courage and integrity. 

I strive to react with a minimum of emotion to W's MLC and to take time before deciding anything. So I will consider my options carefully.

 I do want to wear my wedding ring again, but am unsure if mentioning it all is a good idea.  Its a decision for myself, not for my W, I have no expectation that she will return from her MLC fog any time soon.  Perhaps my best path is to put it back on for me and if she asks I will take care to say that it is about my mindset not my expectations.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#28: July 20, 2019, 09:26:18 AM


What do I do now?  I think I want to wear my ring again as a sign that I am committed to our marriage, but does it look like pressure to my MLCer if she sees me wearing it again?  Should I leave it off or put it back on without comment?

Please help me, I have little support in my life at the moment and despite reading everything I can find, I still feel as if I am stepping through a minefield....  I cant work out if this is important only to me, or if its not important at all.

LW

I'm on the ring on/off club too.

On my first time (sometime after BD) I gave ring to my W to keep, as I was unsure of what to do. I requested it back few weeks later.

After that I've taken the ring off three times, as part of my detachment process (there was huge element of shame when taking /walking without it on finger, that was hard to process - I'm all done with it). Never told her I took it off or put back on, but as I know W sees and notices a lot more than she says, I know she knows....

Does she care? Maybe, maybe not... Possibly the wisest thing to say is that MCL is her inner crisis, and anything that does not come within her is not about to end it.
When you remove the fear from what you or she  does and what might happen next, you also remove the buttons that make you dance her dance.

Regardless of what happens, I plan to carry my ring along rest of my life. Whether it's on my finger or on my neck, it really doesn't matter. It is token of my love for her, and as such something that never truly dies. No reason for me to fully unwear it never.
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« Last Edit: July 20, 2019, 10:02:07 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... I'm filing for D): May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5


*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” ***
**** Security is mostly a superstition...Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. ***

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#29: July 20, 2019, 09:59:59 AM
If the ring is for you, put it on. No need to say anything to anyone unless they ask aND no details needed if you respond.. "I forgot how much it means to me to have it on."

MOO, say nothing to your wife. She doesn't care and it might spark monster. Again, jmo. Do what you do for you and your kids.
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