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Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

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My Story Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#30: July 21, 2019, 04:48:17 AM
Thanks you Alvin and OR for your input,

I agree Alvin that MLCers see more than they let on, but it is my commitment to trying, so I put my wedding ring back on this morning with no comment.  W not caring is no reason that I shouldn't.  Also past caring about monster. 

thanks for your help!

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#31: July 21, 2019, 07:18:35 AM
Little Wing - Attaching.
Glad that you found HS for help, encouragement and venting...

I had the same issue with my ring.  It was on forever, but close to the D, after I really detached and gave it to God, I took it off.  Even then it was back on a few times, but finally came off for good at the final time of the divorce.  I still have it.  Don't wear it because the H that's left is not the H I married, so...

I had asked my H for HIS wedding ring after he filed for divorce (I wanted to wear the two together on a necklace), and he monstered that it was HIS ring and he was going to keep it.  He couldn't understand why I would want it.  So, I don't know if it really means something to him, or he didn't want me to have the $250 of gold that it's worth.  Who knows?

Just do what feels best to you, as you've done.  No explanations owed.

Sea
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« Last Edit: July 21, 2019, 07:48:07 AM by seahorse »
Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#32: July 21, 2019, 07:30:21 AM
Yep on and off club member here too, but guess what?  He never even noticed or cared, so just do what ever you want.  It won't matter to them.  They won't look at it like you are committed.

After the D I did take it off permanently because...well we were divorced.  Made no sense to me to wear it.
I figured if we got remarried I'd want a new one anyway.
This one I felt was tarnished.

I thought about making a pendent out of it, but never did. 
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#33: July 21, 2019, 08:07:09 AM
Thank you Sea and Thunder for your support,

Today I really tried to be positive - wore my wedding ring and decided to take family out for a meal, but W decided she was too tired.

 'Be positive' I thought and take the kids out. 

First restaurant turned us away as kitchen was closed, np I thought drove 25 minutes to next place and we had a great meal, laughing throughout! 

Then in walks OM1 with his W and kids.  Only I saw him, but it really knocked me down, couldn't laugh any more with my kids.  Sun went behind a cloud.

 Sometimes being positive takes more than I have.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#34: July 21, 2019, 08:10:12 AM
LW -
Oh for heaven's sake!  Of all the possibilities.
I'm so sorry that happened; it must have been difficult.
But, know that you were there for your kids.
You were strong to take them out, and I hope it felt good to wear your ring.

Hugs,
Sea
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#35: August 01, 2019, 03:14:44 AM
Thanks Sea for your support.

I wish I had a mentor - I feel so lonely.

This last week has been very tough.  I am standing for my kids and dont expect my W to come back from the fog any time soon, if at all.  I am spending time with my kids and trying to be positive about myself, despite my self esteem being in tatters.  My W is not replaying (that I know) and is not monstering, but she has very little interaction with me at all.  We act 'normally' in front of the kids. 

The emotional drain is huge as i search for detachment. 

Living in with my MLC spouse with my four kids is so challenging and I have so much respect for others here who are doing the same.

I read a lot about MLC and try so hard to follow the advice, but today I feel like I am failing in this as I have in everything else important in my life.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#36: August 01, 2019, 04:28:20 AM
Good Grief!

Did OM1 see you? That would have been a passing of the Karma Bus....

I need to go back and start at the beginning to see what's already been said

UM
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#37: August 01, 2019, 04:43:31 AM
Hi UM

no OM1 did not see me.  I just ignored my violent thoughts and left restaurant with kids with no fuss.  Kids were oblivious.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#38: August 01, 2019, 05:26:29 AM
Dearest LW

Well, you succeeded magnificently in protecting your kids and your dignity by being strong enough to not let your feelings drive you in that moment. Not everyone would have been able to do that.

Those feelings of 'failure' often pass by after a while. If not, please remind yourself again that you did not break your w, you can't fix her and you are not responsible for her actions. There is no magic bean to find that will produce 'success'. So there is no failure. What you can do - and most of us here would say it is the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives - is to protect ourselves and our kids from the insane damage the best we can. While hurting and grieving and trying not to give up on the good things of life. I would gently suggest that as long as you keep trying, there is no failing. And if there are other things in life that you want to repair, rebuild or tackle, this can be a good time to begin to edge towards them.

On a practical level - and I won't bore you with all the research behind it lol - one of the simplest things you can do every day is to find three things to be grateful for that day. Big or small, doesn't matter but ideally things that are nothing to do with your w or your m. But trust me, it will help. Write them down or take a few minutes to think about each one before you go to sleep.
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2019, 05:28:29 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#39: August 01, 2019, 05:30:55 AM
Hi UM

no OM1 did not see me.  I just ignored my violent thoughts and left restaurant with kids with no fuss.  Kids were oblivious.

LW

OK, then you took the high road... MAJOR Props to you I can not imagine what HIS dinner with his W and kids would have been like if he would have known you were there....

Anyway, I am caught up on your thread... The others have already said most of what I was going to except for one thing.... And I warn you in advance, I spent 10 years in the Navy and do NOT sugarcoat my words so I apologize in advance if what I say seems a bit... brutal at times. My mom is also (before she retired) a clinical psychologist and got her Ph. D. while I was growing up so I got to be a guinea pig and learned WAY more about psychology than I'd have liked to... <snort>

Quote from: LittleWing
W is clear that if she is involved emotionally or physically with OM I will leave and apply for court order to sell house.

Uhhhmmmm NO! FULL STOP! If SHE is emotionally and/or physically involved with OM, SHE can leave and live with OM. SHE is the one having the affair, SHE is the one CHOOSING to do that.

You, on the other hand are the one who is taking care of your kids, who is the stable parent. They (including D17 - who I noted was NOT involved in the TV Cuddle session from what you wrote) need as much stability as they can get and you leaving while your Mid-Lifer goes off and shags the OM is NOT stable. Sorry but how is she going to have an affair with 4 kids? You were the one protecting them. OK, maybe while they are at school but afterwards? D17 is also NOT stupid and she's been burned now twice by mom. Her AffairDown Radar is going to be on hyper-alert and she will pick up on anything like that. Therefore, I would say that it is imperative that, if it comes down to it, MLCW leaves, not you. If you have to sell the house, that is another topic but your Mid-Lifer does NOT get to call the shots on her own here on who stays, who goes, who comes in the house, etc. Worst case scenario is that you leave and OM is at the house with your kids... NOT outside the realm of possibility... and NOT the road you want your kids to have to navigate...

You have a handle on the finances. That is good because Mid-Lifers can burn through cash like water over Niagara Falls..

Your Mid-Lifer is nostrils deep in replay. Whether or not she is actively engaging in the behaviour is a different story but Monster, blame shifting, revisionist history.. .those are all replay behaviours....

As far as the ring goes, I have no real advice other than, if you want to wear it for you, then wear it. there is NO need to explain diddly to your Mid-Lifer other than "I want to wear it." I wore mine until STBXW and I were in separate houses although she hadn't worn hers in ages, saying "it gave her a rash." ::) which, in reality was caused by the cognitive dissonance between her wearing a wedding ring while doing the Mattress Mambo with the OM.

Other than that, the articles in OldPilots and My Signature lines are invaluable resources that will serve you well in this time.... But "Live Like They Are NOT Coming Back" is probably one of the most important and the hardest to actually do.

In short, welcome to the party to which NO ONE EVER wanted an invitation. You have found a safe place where people really DO understand what you are experiencing so feel free to post/vent/rage//describe/journal because we DO get it.As for your Mid-Lifer, this is HER Crisis, not yours. You didn't break her, you didn't cause it (despite her accusations) and you can't fix it. The one thing that you can do is potentially to prolong it by pressuring her, trying to fix her, etc.  Your kids are going to need someone that they can truly trust and rely on and it is NOT your MLCW... and they know it subconsciously.- D17 consciously.  Live YOUR life like she is not coming back. If she does at some point and you decide that the person she has become is still someone you want in your life, then you will be starting off on a brand new adventure. The marriage as you knew it is, I am sorry to say, dead. Any future R will be different because you and she will be different. "One does not make the trip to hell and back without acquiring some transferable skills."

This is a lot like the Oxygen Mask drill in an air plane. Get your own mask on first and then help others.  Another way to look at it is as if you are in the path of a massive tornado... You have 3 real choices: 1) You can stand in the way, yell, scream, and wave your arms at it and then get sucked up, chewed up, and spit out the other side, 2) You can stand passively there and watch with abject hopelessness and terror as it bears down on you, sucks you up, chews you up, and spit you out on the other side, or 3) you can get yourself and your kids into shelter, ride out the storm in as much safety as possible and then, when it is past, come out, survey the damage and see if what is left is worth rebuilding or not.... In cases 1 and 2, there is not a lot left of YOU to begin rebuilding. In the third, you have someplace at least to use as a starting point.

UM
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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