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Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

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My Story Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#40: August 01, 2019, 07:14:46 AM
Thank you Treasur and Um for your kind words... they really mean a lot as I have so little support IRL.

Treasur, thank you for your advice - i love the way you express yourself and am going to write my list of 3 each day from today on.

UM,

Quote from: LittleWing
W is clear that if she is involved emotionally or physically with OM I will leave and apply for court order to sell house.

UM:  Uhhhmmmm NO! FULL STOP! If SHE is emotionally and/or physically involved with OM, SHE can leave and live with OM. SHE is the one having the affair, SHE is the one CHOOSING to do that.

I don't know how I can make her leave the house if this situation develops - my legal advice was that  a court order to sell family home was the only way to do that in UK.  W has been very devious in the past and  just because I don't know she is still cheating doesn't mean that she is not and is successfully hiding it from me and D17.  I accept that I cant stop her doing this.

Thanks UM for your tornado analogy - it is really useful and I do feel exactly like that some days!

Thank you both again for helping me strengthen my emotional storm shelter.

LW
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2019, 07:19:22 AM by Little Wing »

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#41: August 01, 2019, 07:28:41 AM
I think UMs point, LW, was that you can't force her to move out but you shouldn't move out as a first choice. Particularly bc you are the sane adult parent. Of course you can't know - without driving yourself insane - that any of these affairs are still happening, but tbh the universe has a funny way of showing us stuff and you already know enough from past behaviour.

Carry on as you are until or unless you reach a point when things need to change. But if that happens, or your w throws a snit and wants YOU to move out? Nope...she moves out or you both tough it out and the house gets sold as part of a separation or divorce process.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#42: August 01, 2019, 07:30:03 AM
LW,

The point is not that you force her to leave but that she can NOT force YOU to leave and you shouldn't leave the house.... If she wants to have an affair, that is her choice but whether or not YOU leave the house is NOT her choice, it is YOURS... Likewise, she can not force the sale of the house either...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#43: August 01, 2019, 09:10:41 AM
Thanks Treasur/UM

I see what you mean now, I have always said that I would never leave the house for the reasons you give, (mostly to ensure D17 is not on her own with W) and would just sell the house by court order if necessary, but sometimes the urge to control something, anything is almost overwhelming.  Thank you both for calming that urge!

  I am going to try very hard to stop thinking about the future and focus on me and kids today.  I am exercising more and working in my garden.  Time with the kids is great for my mood and helps with detachment.  I am feeling much better than this morning when I first posted.  Thanks both!


LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#44: August 02, 2019, 10:22:34 AM
Little Wing, beware she doesn’t plot to push your buttons to make you react and get a court order against you. She can just leave and go to a woman’s shelter claiming this a few times and spin a sob story to the police and your on thin ice, always have a witness when interacting with her especially in monster mode as nothing is to devious for them.
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#45: August 03, 2019, 04:46:02 AM
Thanks Jack

thats good advice, the urge to react is strong, but I hope my urge to protect my kids will continue to be stronger

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#46: August 23, 2019, 03:39:19 AM
So a small update...

I still have no mentor, but i am reading a lot!  Learning about this bad dream I cant wake up from.

So as predicted, it is getting worse.  My in last 2 weeks W has tried to play games with money, but I have taken precautions against this and have protected my interests, much to her anger.
She disrespects me whenever she can, deliberately not asking about my life, throwing away food when i have cooked for us, cutting me out of social media pics, etc.
Is she goading me?  Maybe, but its not working.  In fact the more she acts like a spoilt teenager the more i recognise her MLC.

But I also worry about how much the kids (D17, D15, D13, S10) are aware and the stress this causes them.  Their well-being is paramount and the more she plays up the more I wonder if standing is best for them.  We are now approaching 11 months since last BD and 20 months since first PA.  She can barely stand to be in same room as me, but we both play nice in front of kids.  But kids are sharp. 

Opinions please about PAs and discovery:
Both my W's PAs were discovered before they could be finished by her or OM.  These PAs did not burn out.  First PA I discovered, second OMs W discovered. 
Does it matter that these affairs we stopped short by intervention? 
Does the affair need to play out in order for MLCer to realise that this OM will not correct the pain of MLC?

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#47: August 23, 2019, 06:41:41 AM
Hi Little Wing,

Could you explain that a little more, I'm a bit confused as to what you meant by intervention.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#48: August 23, 2019, 09:43:51 AM
Intervention just meaning that AFAIK the affairs when found out stopped, rather than stopping of their own accord. 
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#49: August 23, 2019, 10:01:18 AM
Oh ok, I understand now.  Odd, isn't it?
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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