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Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

W
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My Story Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#70: November 18, 2019, 05:27:41 AM
Hi LW, this really is a tough one.
Firstly, NO MORE PETS! Seriously… my XW left me with both of HER dogs and a cat. One dog has unfortunately passed since and XW took her "Baby" back About 6 months ago, 30 months pre BD. S21 moved out and took the cat with him (she was his really and is know an Instagram star  :D).
Your D17 seems to be under enormous pressure after being the only child who knows what is going on. I suggest that you talk to her and let her know that you are planning on telling her siblings soon.  This may release a Little pressure, its a massive burden for her to carry.

When you do decide to tell your Children what is going on then you have to let them know that it is not your fault, decision or choice. It is all on your W and she has to deal with the consiquences but you cannot afford to let them think that you was the one who broke the Family up. Also, do not let your W talk to the Kids alone About this. You aave to be present or she WILL lie and Twist Things making you out to be the bad guy.
They will have a hard time Building a R with their mam after that but they will get there eventually. She is their mam and that bond is hard to break, its mther nature. My Boys (17 and 18 @BD) hated their mam, they gave her hell but now it seems as though all is forgotten and forgiven after XW told them "accept that im with OM now or we are done". They feel for her BS as they didnt want to loose her. They even invite OM to their birthdays now which I have to tolerate, I hate being anywhere near the prick but I am Pretty much cornered in that Department!

Selling the house and moving is not that bad an act. I had to sell our house too which I built myself. I was totally gutted and the Boys werent happy About it but you may Need a new start, you will find that its haunted when she leaves. She will still be everywhere, too many memories in those walls mate.

Keep your head up and stay strong.

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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#71: November 20, 2019, 10:02:06 AM
Hi All

a little clarification and update, apologies for my lack of clarity... i am struggling to sequence my thoughts.

Update:  Cat on holiday to check if D17 is allergic.  May be no more cat!

W announced last night when sick that she has stopped taking AD meds over last 2 weeks.  She generally seems happier if rather tired and sick sometimes.

Clarification:

My W is not making the decision to separate in the summer, we both are.  It being confirmed that she has met up with OM recently is enough for me to be finished, despite W saying ' its just a friendship... i just want to be on my own , etc'  I cant carry on any more with the lies.  The tunnel is so long and the lights so brief and dim.

I will agree to tell the kids that we have decided to split up as the final course and that W and I only say that we are no longer in love and need to be separate to be happy.

I see the pressure on D17 being the only child who knows of PAs, this was not my choice.  Her pain is my biggest concern in disclosing anything.  So i should consult her i feel, if i can do  it in a way that doesnt make it seem to be her choice, just that i want her opinion on what would be best for her.  I dont want D17 to have to provide details to siblings of PAs.  I wish to God she knew nothing.

When we are split I dont care what she does with OM; that is her responsibility to explain to kids.

This is the worst thing I have ever had to decide. 

My eldest has lost her innocence due to my reckless, selfish W. 

Should a responsible,selfless H protect his other children's innocence?




LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#72: November 21, 2019, 04:26:02 AM
LW,

Just FYI - Unless W went off the AD's under guidance of a doctor and phased off (decreased step-wise) she is VERY likely experiencing withdrawal symptoms (the being sick.) as it takes 2-3 weeks to get the proper amount of meds in the blood stream (ramp up) and about the same for them to totally leave the body (ramp  down).

The kids are very likely aware that something is going on so you will probably end up having to answer questions from them that are uncomfortable. In an age-appropriate manner, you may end up having to tell them certain things that you'd rather avoid but avoiding the issue won't end well....
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#73: November 21, 2019, 09:32:57 AM
Hi UM

W did not consult Doctor, but did taper down over 2 weeks, she is definitely ill from the withdrawal.

My kids are of course aware of issues and I will undertake answering those tough questions if/when we split, but i dont want D17 to have to if at all possible.  she has been through enough already.

I know this is almost certainly unavoidable, but i feel i have to try...

LW

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#74: December 11, 2019, 03:27:58 AM
Hi All

just a quick update...

Maintaining my composure. Keeping up with work and spending time with my kids between running the household.  No R talks with W, just child related logistics and light talk of daily life.

W seems happier and more aware now ADs have worn off and I see very little replay behaviour explicitly, but we are still at the point of divorce in the summer.

Although my W expresses some regret about the situation saying last time we spoke, ' I know this is all my fault', she expresses no interest in me or our R.  So for example she tells me her major concern is me as she admits meeting up with OM2 and that 'she didnt want to lose his friendship'.  As per script she often acts in opposition to her thoughts, as if at times she is remote controlled and during these times her thinking process seems to pause.

So the roller-coaster of crazy continues and I think that getting off may be a relief.
 
I dont know what else she is thinking or doing in my absence.  Being emotionally detached from these thoughts is a daily fight and i try not to let the pain lead to anger or despair.

D17 seems happier too now college pressure is relieved and is enjoying part time work.  This is a big relief.  Other kids are happy enough considering.

No more pets have arrived. 

Love to all who are in my position as Christmas approaches.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#75: December 11, 2019, 03:54:55 AM
I am so glad, Little Wing, to hear that you feel you are starting to find your composure again and that the kids seem ok for now. As you say your w's crazy rollercoaster is still ongoing but it sounds as if you are starting to unhook your life from it. Not easy, not what any of us wanted, but in the end it is sometimes all we can do. Distance imho helps tremendously with detachment - whether physical distance or not looking at their activities or simply limiting contact to superficial things.

I wish you and your kids a Christmas of peace and small joys x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#76: January 06, 2020, 12:10:44 AM
Hi to those following,

just a quick update.

 D17 seems happy at the moment and is tapering off her ADs, which is great news.  Conversely W. has started to take her AD again i have been told by D17 - she told my D this as if they had discussed W stopping ADs in first place; ' You were right I do need these.' D17 says she had no conversation with W at all about ADs.  This is not the first time W has acted as a discussion has happened that in reality never happened!

No new pets.

Christmas and new year were tough as expected, but particularly challenging as my friend P killed himself on Christmas eve.  W hugged me once briefly on that day and has not mentioned it since.  Generally W seems very low at the moment.  Our interactions are the same - logistical discussions only.

Moving towards acceptance, but feeling very lonely.  Sometimes think there is something really wrong with me that I still love the person who has damaged me so much.

Maybe separating in the summer will be a relief after the initial hell of telling the kids.

LW
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#77: January 06, 2020, 12:35:58 AM
Dear Little Wing.
I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. You must feel like you are walking through very dark days indeed.

I am glad that your daughter seems better. And that bizarre never happened conversation with your W is pretty par for the course in MLC, I'm afraid.

There is nothing wrong with you or any of the confusing feelings you feel right now. Many of us know just how you feel. It takes time to balance these conflicting emotions out and it is part of the process of accepting and adapting to all the changes. Marvin posted somewhere that we feel this way bc actually we are emotionally normal, that we do not sever attachments on a dime or flip from love to indifference in the way crisis folks do. It isn't easy to navigate but you will find your way through it with time. Imho the love changes into a different kind of love probably or perhaps gets tucked away behind a kind of compassionate distance.

You may well be right that things will get easier in the summer as you are in a kind of lonely limbo right now. But I want you to know that you will be ok, that time will do its work and to be kind to yourself until then.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#78: January 06, 2020, 04:29:55 AM
Dear Treasur

you always make me feel better.  Always. 

You are a sweet, kind and honest human being who has helped me more than you will ever know, with no expectation of recognition or personal gain.

Thank you for spending your time helping me and many others through these dark days.

We are all very lucky to have you.

LW
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W
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#79: January 06, 2020, 06:32:31 AM
LW, im so sorry About P  :(
the Holidays can be hard on some.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

 

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