Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

W
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#100: February 17, 2020, 09:42:27 PM
LW, you are not weak or selfish. You have been betrayed more than once and you are cautious, thats perfectly natural. If you want to R&R but still have fears of another OM popping up at sometime then you probably Arent Ready and your W certainly isnt Ready if she is making you think so.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to go through the pain again, who on their right mind would want that? You are right to think of yourself and kids first of all. Your W has more or less lost that right to your "security" by her actions and if she is serious about you then she needs to show it.
All the best LW, this isnt easy.
  • Logged
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

s
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 14446
  • Gender: Female
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#101: February 25, 2020, 04:51:56 PM
Treasur,

My biggest concern is the damage to my self caused by further betrayal/lies from W if I give things a final shot.

 Im not sure I can take another betrayal and I know I have to trust her to move on.  Accepting what has happened is easy in comparison to maybe setting myself up to be devastated all over again..

LW

Dear Little Wing:

As one who has lived through this and still is, I can honestly tell you, you simply will not know what you can or cannot do until you try.   There is NOTHING simple about any of this.  MLC is badly misunderstood, totally ignored, even silently "giggle" about behind our backs, making the ordeal even more difficult. 

All I can say my friend, you have gotten this far.  Obviously, you have far more inner strength and stamina then ever imagined.  All of us do.  The worst of this is, there simply is no right or wrong choice.  No matter what you decide to do, you will wonder if you should have.  If you don't stay and try, you will always wonder what might have been.  If you do stay and she does betray you again, you will be pi&&ed at yourself for "letting her do it to you again"! 

I know people who stayed and ended up leaving a few years later. Others, like myself, are so glad we took the chance.  We are never as "trusting" as we were.  For me, I can see that the trust I bestowed on my husband was quite frankly, unachievable, too hard to live up to. Strangely, I think he trusts me more.  We've been reconciled since 2006.  It was the MOST difficult thing I ever did, hell we ever did!  If you BOTH really want it to work, somehow, you'll both do whatever it takes.  It cannot be done alone, in spite of whatever any book or guru might tell you.  As we all know, marriage takes two. 

The one thing I can assure you.... whatever you decide, YOU will be a better person, you already are.  There is something about being an LBS that changes you.  You will still hurt, you will still cry, you will still get angry, you will remain YOU but you'll never again... beat yourself up for being who you are, because after this, you know you are an AMAZING PERSON!

Hugs Little Wing... there is no right or wrong.... take it one day at a time and keep your eyes wide open.

Stayed
  • Logged
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

s
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 14446
  • Gender: Female
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#102: February 25, 2020, 05:01:40 PM
oh, I forgot... DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME... for any reason!  If you have to have her removed legally, then sadly, that is what you must do.  You did not cause this!  Do not give up anything more then you absolutely have to. 

Sorry, that sounds cruel, but once you leave your home, it is very hard to get back in. 

hugs Stayed
  • Logged
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

D
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 489
  • Gender: Male
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#103: February 25, 2020, 06:57:58 PM
oh, I forgot... DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME... for any reason!  If you have to have her removed legally, then sadly, that is what you must do.  You did not cause this!  Do not give up anything more then you absolutely have to. 

Sorry, that sounds cruel, but once you leave your home, it is very hard to get back in. 

hugs Stayed

Yes.  This right here.  I'll forever regret moving out.  I wish I could have stayed and run the clock.
  • Logged
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10238
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#104: February 26, 2020, 04:06:47 AM
oh, I forgot... DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME... for any reason!  If you have to have her removed legally, then sadly, that is what you must do.  You did not cause this!  Do not give up anything more then you absolutely have to. 

Sorry, that sounds cruel, but once you leave your home, it is very hard to get back in. 

hugs Stayed

Yes.  This right here.  I'll forever regret moving out.  I wish I could have stayed and run the clock.

Yep, me too... BIG mistake to leave and sell...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
I just found out I am an LBS
#105: February 27, 2020, 12:44:51 AM
Hi All

thanks for the kind words, my life would be a lot more challenging without the support here.

Stayed, if I thought for one minute that my W was interested in working on our R then I would stick it out, but she is interested only in co-parenting our kids and avoiding any disruption to her life.  She expresses no real interest in me and I feel like I have done all i can, but it needs two of us to try together. 
I agree that a few years ago I would never have thought I was strong enough to still be here, but I feel that I have tried as much as I am able to accept and detach and still feel that I am the focus of all the anger and blame.

I have changed through the last few years and I now feel that I deserve someone who deserves me and barring a miracle, I dont see my W as being deserving of my commitment for much longer.  My focus is on me and our kids now and hoping that I am making the right decision for us.

As for leaving the house, I wont unless I have to.  Here in UK the law is not very clear and neither W nor I can afford for this to go through court, so I hope we can achieve an agreement through mediation.  I suspect the situation will be that we both want the other to leave the family home.  If we really cannot agree who leaves we will have to sell the house and split the proceeds.

 Does anyone here have experience with a similar situation?  Our four kids are between 11 and 18, our mortgage is in joint names.

Thanks again all for the support!

LW

  • Logged

W
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#106: February 27, 2020, 05:14:35 AM
XW and I sold the Family home and split the "Profit"..... neither could run it alone as it was too expensive to buy the other out.
We sold it for 30.000€ less than planned, she wanted a quick sell so I agreed and it all came from her cut… "Thats the Price of freedom babes"  ;D.
I personally had no interest in staying there as it felt as though her ghost was in every room. A Fresh start was a good decision for me personally as i also had no hope for "us" and neither did I want it anymore.
  • Logged
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10238
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#107: February 27, 2020, 05:45:02 AM
XW and I sold the Family home and split the "Profit"..... neither could run it alone as it was too expensive to buy the other out.

I was in a similar situation although, in hindsight, I probably could have figured out a way to keep the house and buy xW out... Maybe renting a room out or something. I would have been MUCH better off in the long term and the kids as well...

Now though, as it is a buyers market with interest rates so low, I can't afford to buy anything where my kids can each have their own room unless it is out in the countryside somewhere, which then increases all the other costs like commuting, etc.  And, at 56, without 30%+ down, the banks aren't too interested in giving a loan because I will have to retire in 11 years...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10940
  • Gender: Female
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#108: February 27, 2020, 05:57:44 AM
I did keep our home. I took less in investment assets so that I could have the entire equity in our house.

Initially, the house was for sale. It is large for one person however when I looked at smaller houses the taxes were higher, the HOA fees much higher and then there would be all the costs of moving, redecorating etc.

I took a longer mortgage and the interests rates were quite low at that point.

I too thought of renting out a room if I had to.

I see my home as an investment and I have to live somewhere....initially I thought there would be no way I could keep it and that the utility costs would be too much....but it has not turned out that way. God has provided.

I am however very fortunate that we had assets saved that allowed me to keep it.

It is good to take  a long and hard look at what is possible. I knew I could always sell it in the future if I couldn't manage. Pretty well everyone thought I should sell, I should move back to my home country...I am very glad I did not.

I am very blessed. Not many will have that opportunity to stay in their home if that is what they wish.
  • Logged
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

s
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 14446
  • Gender: Female
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#109: February 27, 2020, 06:09:38 AM
As I said Little Wing, marriage is a two way street, can't be navigated only by one. NOBODY will think poorly of you for not standing. We only have ONE life and we must live it as best we can. You are a good man.

Do what you can to keep your house. Most of us found that it was actually more viable to keep our homes then to have to start all over again.

Thinking of you and am with you all the way.

Hugs Stayed
  • Logged
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.