Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23016
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#110: February 27, 2020, 10:07:37 AM
Hi Little Wing,

I have to join the others.  I wish I had stayed in the house also.  I felt I couldn't afford the mortgage payment and the upkeep, but my X went through a gov, program to help keep the house and his mortgage payment went down by $500 and is now less than my rent.  I could have done it, but I had no idea at the time.

I hope it works out for you and the kids to stay in the home, but I understand it may not be possibly if she does not cooperate, or you are forced to sell it.

I wish you well, Little Wing.

Hugs
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10246
  • Gender: Female
I just found out I am an LBS
#111: February 27, 2020, 10:47:58 AM
It's very difficult to think clearly or creatively sometimes when we are in pain or confusion, isn't it? I think a number of us made assumptions or didn't explore options that, with hindsight, we now wish we had. If it is too hard to think clearly right now, LW, perhaps try talking it through with an objective 3rd party to get some more info or with a friend who is good at thinking about this kind of stuff? Acceot the likely reality that your brain is not at its best right now. And don't let yourself feel pushed into making decisions before you have had time to consider all of the options and what you would actually prefer.

I guess the first question is if you WANT to stay in the house if it were possible or if you would prefer a fresh start place somewhere else. Then the longer term consequences a bit like UM was saying. Then the impact on kids/schools etc. And then look at how you could financially do it if you wanted to do so. I guess your w will be figuring out the same things. If you'd prefer a fresh start place, then I suppose it depends on how you would finance that and therefore if your w could buy you out or if the house would need to be sold.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 27, 2020, 10:49:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
I just found out I am an LBS
#112: February 28, 2020, 07:05:00 AM
Hi All

thank you for the advice, it fits with my own thinking which is always reassuring as I am aware that my brain is not working too well recently as Treasur rightly points out!

I will try a summarize the financial situation:

I make 75% of our joint income and consequently have always paid the mortgage and bills etc.  My wife is self employed for 5 years, since kids were all at school,  and has only started to declare taxes this financial year.  When we split W would receive Gov assistance and some payments form me to make our respective incomes equal.

Both of us would like to stay in the home as we believe that it will be better for our kids S11, D14, D16 and D18, giving them some stability and familiarity, also the home is bigger than can be afforded if renting.  I would prefer to stay as I think this is better for the kids, but personally maybe a clean break with a sale is preferable.

Neither of us can afford to buy the other out and the mortgage cannot be transferred in to W's name as she has no credit rating.

 I can see no logical reason why either of us is in  a stronger position to stay in family home - we share child rearing duties and spend same amount of time with kids, who will after the summer all make their own way to school or college as S11 will be in secondary/high school.

So one of us leaves or we sell the home and divide the equity.   I guess I am happy with her leaving or us selling as a last resort.

I suspect we are just starting out on a very complicated and potentially angry journey...  sounds familiar.

LW
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10246
  • Gender: Female
I just found out I am an LBS
#113: February 28, 2020, 07:27:47 AM
Ok, so your w can't stay unless you kept paying the mortgage in your/joint name which you don't want to do? Can you  refinance the mortgage on your own income, sounds as if you could as you earn most the money? But you couldn't finance paying the additional 50% of the equity profit in the house since you both owned it in order to buy her out? This stuff is of course a numbers/lenders game....relatively black and white. I haven't done this but I think there are financial advisors, sometimes recommended by your L, who can sit down with you and advise on your options?

If you know for sure having checked out possible financing that this is true, then it sounds as if you either need to persuade your w to walk away from her half of the equity in lieu of something else.....not likely I'd guess as you are the primary earner....or as you say, sell. If you sold the house, would the 50% of the equity allow you to buy or rent a different house with room for the kids? In the same school area? Are you wanting 50/50 custody or for the kids to live primarily with you or your w? What legal advice have you been given about your potential liabilities for child support and alimony given the disparity in your incomes and the length of your marriage?
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23016
  • Gender: Female
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#114: February 28, 2020, 07:33:29 AM
LW,

I get it.  It's going to be a tough decision.

May I ask, if your W wants to stay in the house as "roommates" (which personally I see benefiting her more than you) is she then willing to pay half of the mortgage?
That is what roomies do.  Split the cost of everything.

I just have one question, you don't need to answer me.
If your W made good money and had good credit, do you think she would move out...or try to buy you out?  I mean is this more of a financial problem with her and possibly that is why she wants the roommate thing?

You know LW, sometimes staying together for the kids sake is not the best decision for anybody.  It is not really giving either of you a real life, those kids do grow up and leave home years down the road.
Of course that choice is yours to make.  I just always think what is best for kids is to see two happy parents.

You'll figure it out.  Just do what is best for you and your kids.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
I just found out I am an LBS
#115: March 02, 2020, 02:08:59 AM
Hi Treasur and Thunder

you correctly understand the financial situation - she can only stay in house if mortgage stays in my name and I don't want that commitment,  whereas if she left i will happily pay her an amount that equalizes our incomes (about £350 a month on top of her keeping all the child benefit and me paying the debts off monthly).  Money will be very tight either way.  I want 50/50 childcare split with w.  W cannot afford to pay half of mortgage or bills.

I think if W had money she would move out and get her own place.  I think at the moment I am just a paycheck to her.

I am increasingly understanding that this dynamic is not better for me or the kids, only w.  You are right - kids should see two happy parents most of the time!

So I will sit tight and wait to see what proposal w comes up with with mediator.

W seems to be avoiding obvious replay, except that i know she still 'speaks' with OM2 as a 'friend'.  Ha

W is pleasant with me and kids, even nice to the dogs now, but she is very depressed and anxious.

Thank you all for listening and responding - you are amazing!

LW
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10246
  • Gender: Female
I just found out I am an LBS
#116: March 02, 2020, 03:49:58 AM
Quote
W is pleasant with me and kids, even nice to the dogs now, but she is very depressed and anxious.

Possibly some of the practical realities are starting to become a bit more obvious to her as mediation goes on....that her life isn't necessarily going to be unicorns and that you are not going to finance her new life to make it all easy with a cheery smile  ::)

 I know it's a bit shocking to believe that an adult wouldn't think this stuff through before blowing their family up, but often they seem not to. It all seems to come as a bit of a surprise.....and from your w's POV, some of this stuff probably is a bit depressing bc money will be tight. Doesn't sound like om1/om2 are rich princes who will swoop in and rescue her lol, so I guess she is going to have to grow up.....so, yup, bit depressing....less money, less of her kids, buck stops with her or an om3/4 etc..... In fact sometimes they even get quite angry with the LBS about it.  ::)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: March 02, 2020, 03:54:40 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
I just found out I am an LBS
#117: March 02, 2020, 04:48:02 AM
Haha yes Treasur the anger!

W did try to get angry about things being 'out of her control' and me 'pushing the pace' last time she insisted on a R talk, I told her that I didn't care what she felt, the facts were she walked away from our marriage emotionally about 5 years ago, but didn't tell me and the current status quo was not ok for me or our kids.  She did for once accept this as fact, although still seems surprised that we are both allowed to make a decision about our future.

I think W thought I could wait forever, but I cant.

You are absolutely right that reality bites and whats easier than remorse?  Anger!

Not only do MLCers seem to resort to anger as the best distraction from guilt, they also live entirely in a fantasy world that revolves around them.  I think recent events have come as a huge shock to my W, despite it being a predictable outcome of her choices.

I will never understand the lack of empathy that this delusion shows.

But I gave up along time ago trying to understand the MLCer psychology.  I just concentrate on my own thinking, which is tricky enough to understand sometimes!

LW
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10203
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#118: March 02, 2020, 05:05:04 AM

But I gave up along time ago trying to understand the MLCer psychology. 

Like I have said, over and over, you stand a better chance at tasting green with your elbow.....
  • Logged
Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
I just found out I am an LBS
#119: March 16, 2020, 01:21:56 AM
Hi All

Just a quick update..

I have continued to maintain some calmness and survive work, spending time with the kids and trying to take positive actions.  W continues to be a cold room mate!  She expresses very little interest in me or my life except when she needs something sorting for family, for example last week one the young people i work with was stabbed quite badly.... W said when she heard, so have things settled down at work now?  Empathy bypass.

Kids all seem to be doing fine as we approach exam season.

Last weekend W asked to talk but then didn't initiate any discussion, absenting herself from home as much as possible.

This weekend she did tell me that she had appointment with the mediator  this Wednesday.  'Thats what you told me to do'.
Like what I want has had any impact on her decision making!
W said that she had been looking in to local rental properties, presumably for her?  I didnt respond to this information except to say I was going to really miss our kids, and she agreed.  I said I would miss her and she said she would miss me too, to which I laughed and she said again I will miss you.  She actually showed some emotion at this point, but then she quickly left for work without a backward glance.

I am determined not to feel too guilty for deciding that I cant carry on in limbo, Im sure it is not best for our kids and certainly is not good for me.
I am a fixer and W an avoidant, so I have to continue really concentrating on not trying to fix this, even though I know I cant fix anything in her.

I have mixed feelings of course about giving up my stand, but do feel it is time to protect myself from W who has no positive feeling for me at all.

I suspect that W still has feelings for OM2 and he continues to work away in the background alienating her from me.  She does not see his controlling behaviour, but seems stuck as she cant see surviving without his friendship, although he definitely wants more from her than that.  I think she is trying to maintain boundaries with him ironically, but i dont know what these boundaries are and if she plans on restarting a relationship with him in future.

Maybe the saddest thing of all is, I dont care any more what she does as long as she is a caring and supportive mother to our kids.  If OM2 does anything to hurt my kids, I may have to deal with him.

The door to reconciliation is still open, but W must step towards it, must show willing and desire to R and R and the time to show that is disappearing.  Maybe its already too late.

Detachment feels so empty some mornings.

LW


  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.