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Author Topic: My Story I just found out I am an LBS

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My Story I just found out I am an LBS
#120: March 16, 2020, 02:59:57 AM
Quote
Empathy bypass.
Well, we all know what that looks like, Little Wing  :)

You sound not too bad at all if that is any encouragement.
Don't be afraid of how detaching feels....fwiw I think it pendulums a bit between indifference and attachment, between cold and hot, before we find our balance with it.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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I just found out I am an LBS
#121: March 17, 2020, 08:16:06 AM
Thanks Treasur

I dont feel too bad actually!  I think I am reaching the stage of my life journey that I have decided to thrive rather than just survive.

I am starting to believe that I deserve better than what my W can currently offer, and am accepting that she may never be able to give me what i deserve.

I am also accepting that I may always love her even though I dislike her and probably need to be separate from her.

I am accepting of the unfairness of the whole thing and generally dont feel angry any more.

Detachment is really complex process, but once begun it gains momentum and it is difficult to stop, regardless of where it ends up.

Thank you for your encouragement T

LW
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I just found out I am an LBS
#122: March 23, 2020, 01:42:56 AM
Hi All

quick update. 

W was supposed to go to her first meeting with mediator last Wednesday.  She mentioned nothing about this until I asked on Friday and she said the meeting had been postponed until Monday due to Covid.

She has been rather cold of late and anxious about the virus.

I feel detached and numb.

I am still in work as I work with vulnerable children and hope that you are all keeping safe in your lives.

LW
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I just found out I am an LBS
#123: April 08, 2020, 01:29:57 AM
Hi All

just a quick update:

I am still in work with vulnerable young people part time.  This breaks up the week in lockdown and gets me away from tension in house a bit, so work is a relief!
I am generally feeling detached from my MLC W, and although I still cycle a little, I am starting to feel my self image improve as time goes on.

I feel that I have maintained some dignity and self control under exceptionally challenging circumstances and that makes me feel good about myself.

There is no movement on mediation or D with lockdown, but I still wish to pursue this when the lockdown ends.

I do feel guilt about this decision, especially when I think about telling the kids, but I cant carry on like this.  Barring a miracle I cannot see there being any reconciliation.
I cannot carry on taking the blame for lost opportunities and need to share my life with someone who has some respect for me.

My W is gone, but my life continues.

My love goes out to all on HS at this challenging time and especially to those on lockdown with their MLCr - who knew it could get even harder?

stay safe

LW
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#124: June 23, 2020, 08:42:33 AM
Dear Treasur, UM, Stayed, Dis, WhyUs and those few others who follow my thread,

it seems like it is good bye from me for a while. 

My STBXW moves out 1st July, we have agreed 50/50 custody of our four lovely kids and she basically wants everything else, so its laywers and logistics from this point forward it seems.

I tried, but I failed. The monster is too strong and the tunnel too long. 

Replay continues and I can stand no more, so I stand no more.

I will of course update my thread should there be any developments, but I think we are done except as co parents.

I thought I had ran out of tears long ago, but apparently not!

The kids seem ok considering and they certainly know how much their Dad loves them, so this is a big weight off my mind: that they will go on and thrive in time.

I have been fair in our short term agreement and STBXW has 5 bed apartment for her and kids.  So I feel like I have once again done the right thing, (monster still very angry that SHE has to move out, but you know maybe thats a reasonable outcome of her behaviour)!


I would like to take this chance to thanks all those who followed my thread and helped me, I asked for a mentor but didnt get one, but luckily you guys did it for me,  notably UM and especially Treasur - I think you guys saved my life, certainly you saved my sanity and my home (at least for another five years)!

I was, like most who wash up on these shores, completely broken and dazed.... I don't exaggerate when I say you guys at HS saved me.  I was in a very dark place and you were my light.

I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me so I could be there for my kids., I may not have been, but for your kindness, humanity and practical advice.

This is really important work and no one else is doing it so well.


I will leave this quote, (it helped me a little to remember and there is nothing else I can contribute the the amazing wealth of knowledge on HS).
I remember poorly, (28 years ago) as I was there but had no paper when a guru i visited was asked about people disobeying religious rights and orders (this was in Muslim Indonesia). The clunky translation is my failing.

'You should be far less concerned with crimes against God'

*shocked silence from mostly devout Muslim crowd*

'God is All and humans are tiny, concern yourself with treating other humans well, as they are as tiny as you'


Thank you all for treating me so well for no other reason than I was a fellow human in distress.

God bless you - you know not the good you do.

LW


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« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 08:51:22 AM by Little Wing »

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I just found out I am an LBS
#125: June 23, 2020, 09:12:24 AM
Thanks for updating LW, I think often many follow along without posting. I know I often believe many are wiser than me, so I actively read much more than I post. I hope you and your kids continue to heal, grow and thrive. I know I feel the same about HS as you - not sure I would have made it this far if not for the wise counsel of many who lived this experience before us.   

3Boys
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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I just found out I am an LBS
#126: June 23, 2020, 10:17:44 AM
Ah dear LW
Bless you....we're all part of an HS chain here....passing back the love those who came before us gave when we too were on our knees.

I hope you can shift your eye to see it more as a honourable sane retreat than a failure.
After all, no one can clap one handed can they? And you did your best for your kids who could not protect themselves....even though it was hard and painful....that's what a real man does and it makes you a hero in my eyes not a failure, a Tiny precious hero just as you say  :)

I hope in the nicest way that the legal stuff unfolds and you don't need our support as it does.
But we're here if you do. There's always a Little Wing shaped seat at the HS table if you need it  :)
But I wish you all the best in your next chapter....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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I just found out I am an LBS
#127: June 24, 2020, 01:06:15 AM
Hi Little Wing,

To be quite blunt, I am nearly a year after D and coming to 5 on BD and I am still hanging around.... We are like a bad penny - we just keep coming back.

Seriously though, you can look in the mirror and tell the person looking back at you that you did the best you could with what you had to go with.

I hope that the legal issues get worked out fairly and, if I am honest, that STBXW gets ONLY what she is legally entitled to and not a drop more. She made her choices and the consequences of those choices are hers to bear. I am REALLY glad that you were able to at least get 50% custody. That is a win in the Dad Book as far as I am concerned. Although there is a "claim" of more "equity" in these cases in modern times, the fact of the matter is that, unless there is verifiable proof of inability to be a parent, the mom usually gets more "rights'"  than the father does. The Germans have a saying that, roughly translated says "There is a BIG difference between HAVING rights and GETTING  rights."

HS is NOT only for those in the middle of dealing with an MLC'er. We are also here for those of us dealing with the aftermath of the MLC, whether that leads to reconnection/reconciliation or not. so I hope that you'll drop by from time to time and let us know how you are getting on, how your kids are doing, and what is new in your life as time moves forward (and you do as well.)

UM
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Me - 56, xW - 50
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S - 13, D - 9
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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I just found out I am an LBS
#128: June 24, 2020, 10:11:34 AM
The best of luck, Little Wing. I hope the divorce goes more smoothly than you expect. No matter what, you know you did what you could to save the marriage, your kids know you love them, and you are standing for yourself. This is no mean feat under these condition. Be safe, stay strong.
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Re: I just found out I am an LBS
#129: June 24, 2020, 10:32:36 AM
HS is NOT only for those in the middle of dealing with an MLC'er. We are also here for those of us dealing with the aftermath of the MLC, whether that leads to reconnection/reconciliation or not. so I hope that you'll drop by from time to time and let us know how you are getting on, how your kids are doing, and what is new in your life as time moves forward (and you do as well.)

UM

Other have already said everything I wanted to say and better, but I want to just reiterate this point. Don't think you should be here only when you are standing, feel free to post, update, share, vent. There are a lot of people here who understand and care and are here for you.
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