[MyBrainIsBroken]

I'm glad that you had a nice visit with your daughter. Enjoy your new doors!

[OffRoad]

Thank you, MBIB. I'm actually sorry it stopped raining. I was going to sit in the garage with the doors up and some hot chocolate. Just because I could. It's the little things.....

[OffRoad]

I forgot to mention, for those in the know. The surfboards were in the way of the new garage doors. Guess what's going up for sale?

[stillbaffled]

I forgot to mention, for those in the know. The surfboards were in the way of the new garage doors. Guess what's going up for sale?

Well, I'm in the know and I'd like to put a bid in!  Are you willing to ship or will I have to drive to pick them up? 

Your trip sounds lovely.  I love escape rooms.  I've done several with family members.  We usually do pretty well. 

Hope you're still finding time to sit and enjoy the new garage doors. 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Unfortunately I would have more use for a snowboard than a surfboard but good luck with your sale.

[OffRoad]

All bids welcome.    I'm not sure how much shipping would be, but being picked up = a great road trip. I can always find somewhere to put an extra person. Can you use a surfboard as a different kind of snowboard? Inquiring minds what to know.

The fence went in last week. The yard comes next, but since it's not a necessity, I can wait until after the first of the year. It's rather a jungle in the back, but I kind of like it this way, except for the three foot high weeds. Those are a pain. Still lots of pictures and paperwork, but I'm getting there one thing at a time.

I posted part of this on some other thread, but think I should also keep it here.

Right after BD, in the spirit of inserting monkey brain distracting activities into my life, I created a 4 ft high box with openings for going in and out for my sister's gymnastics team and it was a feat of engineering. It needed to hold up four gymnasts while doing routines,while being able to be disassembled so it could be easily transported. When I was finished, it was able to hold three sumo wrestlers on top and fit into a Prius when disassembled. I then reupholstered my couch and had the material cut out to reupholster the loveseat. I never got to the loveseat, other things came up. I recently started reupholstering the love seat. It's the same as the couch, same fabric, same bazillion staples to come out. And I was transported back to a few months after BD. Over four years later, and I was right back there. I had nightmares for a week, but I didn't stop. It was slow going, work for a half hour, rest for a half hour.  My muscles ached, but it was the good kind of ache, then kind that says you are actually doing something. My mind was on overdrive, sorting through everything that happened: at BD, prior to BD, after BD.  I popped a blood vessel in my hand from all the squeezing of the stapler. Getting down then back up from the floor was a killer. I forgot a portion of the arms and had to take them back off to sew it on. I thought I would never finish. Last night, I did.  Well, not completely, there are two panels that kick up when you recline that still need to be done, but it's mostly finished. (I didn't want to take the time to remove the half a bazillion staples when the kids would be coming home soon). 

That was one of the hardest things I have done since BD. The initial couch was just me working on auto pilot. The loveseat was full of lessons.
1) There will be things that will trigger me and I accept that. I have to trust that I can get myself through it.
2) It's OK if I get triggered. If it happens for the rest of my life, it's STILL OK. It's not OK if I allow it to take me over.
3) Finding something to fill in my time was a Godsend after BD. Don't shortchange the adage "Gain a life". Call it anything you want, just go do it. Do SOMETHING.
4) Finishing something I started after BD was almost like a reset button. I was able to look at my thoughts from that time in a different light.
5) Just because I have physical limitations I didn't have before, I can still do a heck of a lot. Going slower gives me a different perspective.
6) There's a lot of satisfaction in checking things off the "Been meaning to get that done" list.

I was speaking to my (I consider) MLC friend today. She's still angry more often than not and it confuses her. Everything still points back to her FOO issues, but she won't go see a therapist because then everyone will know she needed to see a therapist. Her entire screwed up life is based on everything has to be a secret. Someone might KNOW! She is underemployed and lives in a rat infested house with her brother and shares a car with him. I asked her why she didn't think she was worth more than that. She is an intelligent (normally), articulate woman, and she has this attitude that she is really incompetent and that somebody might FIND OUT that she really isn't capable. It really is crazy making, because I have known her for an incredibly long time. She did not start out this way and she knows it doesn't make any sense, but cannot seem to stop herself. And when I ask why, it comes back again to NO ONE MUST KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER. Because she is afraid she won't measure up in their eyes. I asked her if she might just be projecting her own fear of not measuring up onto everyone else. She acknowledges that it could be true, but changes nothing and makes excuses for not changing anything. I actually yelled at her today "Why are you doing this to yourself? You deserve better!" Then I apologized for yelling and she said. "No, I need to be yelled at. you are right."

I yearn for the time when I had no idea what a FOO issue was and thought everyone would be a decent human being.

[OffRoad]

Journaling

Christmas was very pleasant. D23 came in on the 20th (I think) and S20 didn't arrive until rather late on the 22st (Sunday).

XH was driving S into town because he was actually going to spend Christmas with his parents this year. D, S and I have a tradition and we usually go out right after the last of them get here to get a tree. I asked S if he would be home in time for us to get a tree on Sunday and he said yes.  For whatever reason, XH didn't start out until 11 am on Sunday the 22nd, then took the scenic route to get here. Then didn't drop S off at the house, but took him to the Grandparents (XH's parents) house. There was  35 minutes to closing time on getting the tree and I told S we could wait until the next evening. He said no, he'd meet us there, so D and I got into the car and headed for Home Depot. We got there and S was on the far side of the lot form the trees and his father no where in sight. We dropped S's bags in the car, went into the lot and we had 10 minutes to pick tree. Grab, shake, grab, untie, shake...we got lucky on on the sixth shake, we had a beautiful (albeit only 7 ft tall) tree. It's hard to tell heights because S is 6'5", so everything look short next to him. As I headed out to pay for the tree in the store, the kids were lifting the tree on each end and I said "Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn." (If you know where that quote comes from, you are my kind of person). The guy in the lot started to laugh and he said, "You guys are really fast." and I replied that we are hunt and kill tree shoppers. I paid for the tree and get to the car to find D and S trying to get the tree tied on the top with a very short length of rope and I asked them where the other rope was. D said this was the only rope she could find, so I reached in the car and handed her the two pieces of rope I had pulled out for tying the tree. They were sitting in the front cup holders where I showed her I put them when we got in the car.... We stopped for Rolled tacos and brought the tree home.

I had purchased one of those Krinner tree stands, where you just put the tree in, step on the pedal until the jaws are tight to the tree, then lock the pedal down. We had the tree up in five minutes! I like that stand! We decided to go Harry Potter again this year and put on "floating" candles, flying keys, plastic cauldrons with timer tea lights and fairy lights all over the tree. It came out very nice and made all of us smile every time we looked at it.

We went to my sister's house for Christmas morning and we did a strange white elephant gift exchange. I had also gotten a couple of things specifically for my sister because she had said she wanted one of them and the other was a DVD of Scavenger Hunt. We came back and D and S were going to go to Grandparent's house. I thought they'd run off when we got home, since that is what H always wanted to do every Christmas. But they didn't want to leave right away, they want to watch some TV and play some games with me, We did an online escape room( http://neutralxe.net/esc/elements_play.html) and had a lot of fun.  I had gotten D's Graduation Pictures in the mail (finally) and put one in a frame for Grand Parents and one in a Frame for XH. I also threw a handful of Pixie Stix in with XH's frame, because I had bought some for the kids stockings and XH used to love Pixie Stix. The kids took the gifts when they went over. When they returned the following day, D said XH was appreciative of the Pixie Stix. I thought that was funny.

D,S and I went to see Jumanji: The Next Level one weekend, then we went to an escape room the following weekend. It was another Sorcery themed room and was a blatant take on Harry Potter ("Welcome to the chamber of things you should not tell anyone"). It highlighted how well D, S and I work as a team. Each of us saw different clues, and we motored through without nary a clue given to us from the room master and had 14 minutes to spare. The biggest challenge was there there was one lock we opened and it lead to a circular door, with a lip at the bottom and only waist high. In a previous life, this wouldn't have been an issue, but these days, having been standing for a half hour, I couldn't bend over, bend my knees and step over the one inch lip on the floor, and just bending at the waist wasn't enough to get me short enough to get through the door. So I ended up  in an inverted V (because my knees wouldn't bend, but I can touch the floor) and crawled in what could only look like some cartoon move as i went one hand over the threshold, then the other hand, crawled forward with my legs completely straight and drug one leg over the threshold and then the other, then stood up. D said she would have asked if I could have come in from the back door, but I said, Nope, I got there, it's all good. We finished that room and were done.

We went out to eat after that and I knew S had done an escape room with his father and his cousins and XH's Brother and wife. I asked if this was better or worse. S said, "So much better. This was a lot of fun." and I said "Wasn't the last one fun?" and he said, "Cousin 5 and Dad should have had their own escape room. They couldn't get out of their own way." Cousin 5 is 8 years old. S compared his father to an 8 year old.  S's biggest peeve was that his father yelled at S when S was reading something out loud. Then proceeded to read everything out loud himself.

The tech in the escape rooms is incredible. So many things run on a program so that if you do X, Y, or Z, then something happens. It's amazing just to look at the tech.

I miss the kids when they are gone, but I do like having my own space. They are here long enough to cause chaos, but not long enough to get into a rhythm. I also spent way too much and didn't notice that I had done so, so I will have to be more cautious next year. S needed new clothes and I outfitted him with a half dozen new shirts, four pairs of jean and some new socks. and told him to throw all the socks he brought with him away (he had huge holes where his big toe stuck out!!). This was a healing Christmas. I didn't have the kids all the time, they visited with their father and grandparents and friends, but it was exactly what I needed and just enough of it. And I have a new roof, new paint, new garage doors and new fence and the playset is gone. Plus I got the loveseat almost finished before the kids arrived. It feels good to move things along.

We lost 10 more people at work. I now do the job of three people, but fortunately that isn't hard. The company changed hands and names and they are trying to get it back on it's feet. I talked to the CEO and asked if they were going to try x or y, something new. The response was pretty much that they are going to continue to try to compete with Amazon, and that isn't  going to get us anywhere. If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. The only way this company made it in the past was it's niche of being able to get things other places couldn't. Amazon already sells the standard things we sell at a cheaper price. So I am polishing up the resume. I was hoping to ride this company until retirement, but I don't see that happening now. A new challenge is  not necessarily a bad thing.

[Tyks]

Wow, sounds like you had a blast for the holidays ! I am glad that you found it to be a healing Christmas:)

[OffRoad]

Thanks Tyks. My entire outlook seems different somehow.

Journaling this so I will remember the screwed up Ness of it all.

Absolutely no contact with H for nearly a year. Today I get a text. S20 went to the Dr and needed antibiotics. Did he have another card for prescriptions? I pay for S's health insurance and have since 2015.  S is a "guest membership" while he is in another state. I had never seen his card.

I asked for XH to send me a copy of the card, and low and behold, no mention of the prescriptions. I forwarded a copy of the card he would use while here, including the phone number to call about pharmacy issues. He texts back that there was no pharmacy on that card either. I told him exactly where it said Pharmacy, and reiterated there was a phone number. He texts that they (the pharmacy) can't find it. Meantime, I'm calling the insurance company and finding out what is going on. The rep on the phone asks what pharmacy he's at. I ask him. He won't say. I tell him the rep will help if he'll just say where he is. No response for 5 minutes. Then he texts "The pharmacy is there. They missed it." The rep says she can see the authorization coming through. I thank her profusely and hung up. His comment was that with the insurance, the meds were so much cheaper!

After all that, my takeaway was he was unwilling or unable to call to get a prescription taken care of for his son, he still blaming others for his own issues ("they" couldnt see "pharmacy", written in plain English on the card and he obviously had no ability to point to it on the card), he still is unwilling to give me any location he is at, even though I am 6+ hours away and he couldn't be bothered to thank me for actually *gasp* helping get it taken care of.

I am once again reminded that he is still a screwed up human being. What must it be like to be unable to function in a normal fashion just getting a prescription and not even be able to thank someone for help?  As I have said before, I would never have even looked at whatever he currently is. It makes me so sad now.

[Whyus]

I can understand the sadness Offroad and you have every Right to be sad. Just dont dwell on it for too Long 
I still sometimes think of who XW was and who she is now. It is still shocking, horrific really.