[Maleficent]

Dear Shocks sis,

Thank you again for all of your responses and your guidance - you are helping me to understand better what is happening on a general level.

I have a follow up question (or two) for you based on your response to 1Trouble and Savvy last week --

Quote from: Shockandawe on July 11, 2019, 03:05:54 AM
Hi 1Trouble and Savvy

I started reconnecting with my friends first, had no pets, then my family then my mother then my ex h but in a way that was genuine not just talking about myself or our D. I think MLCers would all like to return on some level and maybe like me the timing for full explanation is not right. On the other hand perhaps they inflicted too much pain and suffering to ever feel their remorse would be enough. I don’t really know the answer to that and I can only speak for myself.
I resolved my issues over time and talking to my sister about it as she was there when our Father went through his MLC and with our mother who talked to me about it from her perspective and that she had forgiven our Father years before and that she always loved me and that if she had known how badly it affected me she would have done something years ago. It was pretty heavy and emotionally challenging but I talked it through, settled it in my mind and moved forward.

Shocks sis

What did reconnection mean to you and why did you seek to reconnect? How did you attempt it and did you move sequentially from person to person or in spurts. Was reconnection a series of "touch and goes"?

I ask because my H is clearly "reconnected" with his mother now that the original ow is gone (no clue if there is another waiting), and in recent weeks he seems to be reaching out to his siblings and trying hard with our son. 

Thanks again- so much appreciated!!  Maleficent

[Sam I Am]

Attaching

[Shockandawe]

Hi Father

I think it’s a good thing that she didn’t feel pressured or uncomfortable in your presence and to me that can only be a positive thing. I couldn’t say if it was a touch and go but at this point does it matter? You keep doing what you’re doing and any further interaction with your w should be light and easy with nothing that can be seen by the MLCer as pressure. Talking about the children is fine just no r talk and above all listen and keep listening.
You did great keep it up.
Shocks sis

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi Shock's sis,

I have a question, My exh is currently in the "i'm not talking to you" mode. Silence, since the beginning of May. He continues to take me
back to court even after the divorce has been final (by his doing). He refuses to get my name off of a loan we share and still has things
attached to me.
I spent some time talking to my MIL last year and she had said to me, if you want to say something positive or even tell him you are there
even if he doesn't reply. Then do it. Without expectations. I've learned through my own growing that things are done from your heart without
the expectation that you will receive anything in return. I've done this, i've sent positive quotes, I've told him that we would always be family, that he could talk with me if ever in need. I don't ever get a response. But I do it because I care, because I know that he has a lot of anger, pain, trauma from childhood.
He has even gone to the lengths to tell me that he has worked through it all. He is "fine", he just wants to be happy. He's done for all now he wants to do for himself. Yet all he did was to change the person he is living with. He has the same routine, just lives with someone who will wipe his bootie at anytime to keep him there. What a prize!
My question is this, do you believe that if the mlcer reads these things it has any affect on them at all? Do they store it in the positive memory bank? Or do you believe they just see it as pressure, or annoying etc etc.

Also, you mentioned that it was one trauma that led you in and another trauma that helped lead you out. Or your awakening so to speak.
Do you believe this is true? That another trauma leads you out and not further in?

Thank you, I've learned so much the past few days that has helped quite a bit.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Maleficent

I started to reconnect with my friends first because my life was no longer in the fantasy I was very much back in reality and as such I wanted my life back. I knew I couldn’t get my ex h back as he had a new life but I still to this day have feelings for him and I believe he does for me but it’s not the right time but never say never. One thing I have learned is life is unpredictable, never take anything or anyone for granted and be the best version of yourself you can.

My life is normal now and I have reconnected fully. My MLC I believe served a purpose in forced me to deal with my issues but in a way that protected me from spending time in a mental institution.
It is truly a terrible thing to both experience as an MLCer and to suffer as an LBSer. I see this now but in the thick of the fog I was incredibly selfish and cared only about me.

I have witnessed my sister in the depths of despair, I have read the posts which has made me face what I put my ex h through and it’s painful and I am immensely remorseful. I am glad to help and feel something positive has emerged from something so very negative. Always remember it’s not about you and it never was nor ever will be.

Shocks sis

[Shockandawe]

Hi Mrs Smiling

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I will do my best to answer.
What I’m about to say may seem blunt but there’s no other way to put this. Your texting positive thoughts etc although done with the best of intentions will be seen as pressure and that you are trying to be a fixer of something you didn’t break and cannot fix this has to come from him. He has OW who is invariably desperate to keep him and is in all likelihood using those texts etc as a way of putting you down and justifying in his mind he’s right to be with OW. These ow/om are very manipulative and as the MLCer is vulnerable they will anything as a means to put you down. Stop doing this and step back. The safety net has to be removed. Only make contact as a matter of urgency nothing more.

This is truly awful for you and I feel you will only suffer more pain and disappointment if you carry on this way. At this time he is out of your reach so empower yourself, concentrate on yourself and you will be strong.

I am of the opinion a traumatic experience has to happen to bring them out as this is what happened to me. As the fog was thinning the trauma flipped the switch back to reality. During the fog I caused so many traumatic events but they bounced off me as I was in my fishbowl of safety which is why the timing of the event which brought me out was all important. The traumatic event may or may not be about the LBSer and it may be something that the LBSer doesn’t view as very traumatic but at the right time the MLC exit switch is flipped.

Shocks sis

[Sam I Am]

Shock or Shocks Sis,

One of the biggest things I notice about my H is memory issues.  Totally forgetting very familiar things.  Following are some examples:

-Didn't remember the Airport we used to fly out of or what the airline was.  Actually didn't believe there was anyplace close by son's destination when he was helping him plan a trip.  He was at this airport only a year ago.

-Couldn't remember the awful paneling at our cabin.  We had talked numerous times about painting or removing.  Something he was very very familiar with. 

-Couldn't remember things about the house that was once his home.

Typical response is usually...I didn't know about that.   Or...are you sure about that?

There are many things like this.  I find it very sad. 

I don't view this as "rewriting" of history with me.  There is the rewriting of history things too but this is memories that are just totally gone and unable to be recalled or only recalled with pics.  t.  I understand current memory issues that get linked to depression...things like "I'll stop by to pick up X and he forgets"  or I'll call you later and he forgets.

Did Sis suffer from "amnesia" or did family and friends see this?

This has been the one huge consistant in H since BD and it just seems to get worse and worse.   Even to the point where GS called him and two days later he told daughter I don't ever call GS because he never calls me.   All the calls to him were missed calls on H's phone.  Five of them!

This is totally forgetting things that were important parts of his history.  Not rewriting....parts are just totally gone it seems.


Secondly....what is the best way to deal with it.  I try not to make a big deal out of it....just sort of gloss it over and move onto next thing H wants to deal with.  Thoughts?

Third...if there were "amnesia" issues....do those things ever come back?

I know everyone is different and this may not have been part of your experience...if it was...I would love feedback!

[Sunny9876]

Hi Shocksis

Thanks for all your time and providing lots of valuable information. It is helping me a lot.

I have a question on control. My exH is extremely controlling, we are now divorced and I am planning and focusing on relocating back to the UK next month with my 2 daughters but he is threatening me with legal action about not allowing his daughters to visit which is obviously absolute rubbish, I have never stopped him seeing them. To me it looks like he is totally out of control now and doesn't seem to be happy as I ignore his threats and his kids are moving away to a different country. Did you think you were controlling during MLC and if so do you remember being like that? It seems to be a common thing in MLC.

Sunny
X

[Seahorse]

Shock's Sis:

Attaching.
Thank you for providing so much insight into the MLCers mind.
I'm just attaching, but have heard from many that it's a great help for us LBSers to understand.

Sea

[Jackolar12]

Hi SS, how old were you when the resentment to your husband firstly developed and how far was this from bomb drop. During replay what did you spend your money on. During this time did you try to change your image in particular wrinkle removal and excessive changes in hair colour. Lastly did you notice accelerated growth in facial hair that needed plucking and a decrees in your level of tolerance towards others that may have shown in angry outbursts.
Thanks for your thread.
Jack