[Maleficent]

Shocks sis, I just wanted to say thank you again.  I so appreciate your thoughts and how you are able to share. I am so glad you are in a better place now and that you have found peace.  Maleficent

[Limboland2018]

I’m just attaching. Thank you for your advice. Perhaps this is your “paying it forward”. How wonderful that you can turn a tragic episode for you and your family into something positive by helping people understand what their spouses are going through. Thank you.

[Bewildered survivor]

Shocks sis- I apologise if I’ve asked this already, I can’t find it. Thank you for your answer on your feelings of mania whilst in MLC. I’m wondering if you also felt paranoid?

You talk about lying to yourself and not having any insight at the time into the fact that you are lying- was it not until the fog started to clear that you realised what you were telling yourself was lies or was there some awareness but you just pushed it away?

I ask this as I’m being constantly accused of things that make no sense through messages I ignore and through legal correspondence. The accusations have been proven not to be true with black and white evidence yet he repeats the accusations. So wonder if he forgets or is really starting to lose the plot. His accusations also seem paranoid in nature. Of course OW is fuelling some of this paranoia (I have good reason to believe this). Some of it really doesn’t make sense. I have removed myself as much as possible but he keeps dragging me back with these accusations. He’s full of anger and rage all directed towards me- but all based on lies he’s told himself and that he’s soo desperate to hold onto.

When you talk about the dam (I love that analogy btw)- did you first have to acknowledge the lies you told yourself before the feelings leaked through? Did the realisation that they were distorted reality hit you suddenly or in stages? I know every MLC experience is different so you may not have experienced the same level of paranoia and anger but if you did feel some of this- was it quite scary when you realised? I can’t imagine you could allow any former feelings to return if you’ve believed your skewered and paranoid reality.

With the latest nightmare of constant court cases and my MLCer becoming more of a monster (I will update my thread soon) - I’m just trying to understand what is driving and maintaining the anger and paranoia as his accusations are so far from the truth and he seems oblivious to the fact. It’s easier to maintain as we have no contact and he only speaks to OW and her family about it- it’s in their best interest to maintain his current thinking .His false allegations are self sabotaging in the long run and just seem like knee jerk reactions to feelings of anger and when he loses control.

I’m also interested in your answer to Sam I am about the memory loss.

Sunny9875- my MLCer is also very controlling and uses the kids as a tool to control. He was never this controlling pre MLC but control is now such an issue that I’ve had to contact police and get support as the controlling behaviour is emotionally abusive. I’m interested to hear from shocks sis about control.

[ChrissYAH]

Latching on! shocksis thanks so much for this valuable info, my x married the ow, Im not at all interested in ever getting back with him, I was quite desperate in the beginning but not anymore I have no feelings for him, too much destruction I couldn't even look at him let alone think of him in that way!.  My daughter tells me she sees glimpses of him coming through that show he's starting to slightly see the reality of what's happened, and she thinks he has regrets, its been just over 5 yrs for me, its quite sad what they go through and even worse for what they put their kids and lbs's  through, Ive moved on but still feel a sense of 'shock' at the reality of what he's done, never in a million yrs did I ever think he had it in him.

[Keep believing]

hello,
when you are in the fog  can you feel it? are you aware something is not quite right? In the beginning my h said to me  he has a fog around him.   5yrs now  Can he still feel this or be aware of this?

[Puzzled]

Hi Shocks sis,
Thank you very much for taking the time to tell us about what it was like when you were in MLC.  This information is tremendously helpful.
Puzzled

[3Boys4Me]

Thank you Shock and shock sis, these threads have been extraordinarily helpful.

I have a few questions - while in the fog would you have two sets of standards for you and your husband. My husband goes off the handle if I have a date or time wrong, or if the kids are a few minutes late for a transfer, however, he is consistently 15 minutes late or more - has only ever met his parenting obligations one month during the year and a half our parenting camp lan has been in effect- the list goes on and on, he’ll accuse me of saying things in emails, I will ask him politely to re-read the email so he can see that isn’t the case and he is just constantly furious at me - did you experience similar behavior?

We were together nearly 18 years at BD, it has been just over 2 years, from what I can tell he has not grieved our marriage or relationship at all - he is living with OW who’s divorce is now final too. I understand from mutual friends they fight - all the time - and the kids or I am often the topic -  or I am often the topic of the tension... he was a very close contractor for the first year plus - he is still a close contractor but more distant this second year - more convinced our marriage was rubbish and he deserves to be “happy.” He has expressed to our sons that he has been depressed to the point of thinking about suicide.

Any thoughts you have are appreciated...

[megogirl]

ShockSis

Ditto on the last post

Thanx xx

[Shockandawe]

Hi Sam

Memory loss was a very big thing as I cannot remember certain things even now. I think that as the brain closed off the part that dealt with emotions and feelings etc to protect me from going insane it was as if it was not capable of storing anything as if the barrier was down and repelled anything trying to get in if that makes sense.
My memories of the pre MLC days were very distant and difficult to access and I believe that is because it kind of erases them for a time as I was not the person I was pre MLC and didn’t want to be.

I would have to write down anything important like appointments etc because I would almost immediately forget them. It’s a time of obscurity and foggy thinking and to this day I cannot remember things but I think it’s because I am not meant to as the person I became was horrible.

Just do as you have been doing is my advice because if you try to tell him what you know rather than what he does not it could stir monster as we MLCers are vulnerable and we do our best to portray strength so a weakness such as amnesia as I would have seen it would have seemed like trying to control and monster would very soon come out.

Shocks sis

[Shockandawe]

Hi Sunny

I wasn’t as much controlling as I wanted my own way as MLC is very very selfish. I even tried to convince my daughter to move countries with me to where om lived. Thank God she didn’t want to.

I cannot say for sure as I don’t know him but I’m wondering if he is using control as a way to show he’s strong when in reality he’s anything but. He’s most likely afraid that you will not be there and have moved on. It’s just crazy how selfish and how much of a victim we become in our skewed minds.

Never mind how much he hates it or how many times he monsters you do what is best for you. Show him what strength really looks like.

Shocks sis