Author Topic: My Story More After Life  (Read 2789 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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My Story More After Life
« on: July 26, 2019, 01:23:27 AM »
Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10956.0;all

Some really imho useful discussion on the end of my last thread. All without my contribution at all lol.
Which I appreciate but am not going to unpick here.

I think I come here sometimes to do an emotional or cognitive version of unblocking my own drains  :)
And hope that some one else might have a similar drain blockage and share a useful tip or learn one. And tbh it may be that I have blocked my own drains by doing something stupid or it may be a neighbours tree roots...that might influence how useful the tips are or how I feel or how others judge my drain unblocking...but if I want a clear sink, I still need to unblock my own drains don't I? Even if I feel a bit squirmy that I have been shoving things into my metaphorical waste disposal that I shouldn't have done lol.

Met a lady with a beautiful garden and a small dog called Pippin yesterday. I have walked past this walled garden every day for over a year and peered through the metalwork that separates it from the road and it always lifts my heart. The house is an old pub, I think, and the garden is not huge but a perfect English garden. Yesterday evening, I saw the owner and decided to stop and say how much I appreciated her garden. She invited me in for a stroll round and we chatted a little. While Pippin tried to lick my toes lol. She is a widow who lost her husband Jack 14 years ago, a very calm open kind of woman. No idea how old she is..70s maybe, or well oiled early 80s even. I liked her. I think she liked me too actually. And I left musing on a solo life and gardens and how I would really like to reach a point where I don't feel ashamed of my xh, my m, my own responses to what happened or my solo life. And all the things I am still indecisive about in terms of putting down roots, including having a new cat.

I have a lot of my own s$it to clean up. That's a fact.
And I have more bc I got stuck and couldn't think straight and didn't know what to do and lost myself in the middle of it all for years. Also a fact.
I think too much and act too little. Usually bc I have become afraid of my own capacity and judgement. Also a fact.
And a lot of my stuckness was less about letting go of my h or m...it was about how I didn't want to accept the reality of multiple losses. And my own sense of shame at how poorly I dealt with them. Also a fact.

And pretty much all the 2x4s I have received have been bang on the button. I just couldn't act on them mostly. Or not at the time. The tough truth I suspect is that I stopped wanting a life after I lost my tribe. I didn't want to GAL bc my internal jury was unconvinced that I wanted to live at all. Which sucks and I feel quite ashamed about that and my dad would be lining up 2x4s too...but that is how it was for me. Even when I no longer actively thought about suicide, I had not crossed a line into wanting to live. Somehow just me wasn't enough point. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? And such a lot of wasted time.

All nothing to do with my xh or however I label his behaviour or my own.
Labels can help us make sense of the incomprehensible for a while but I'm not sure they help much with actually practically unblocking and building better drains  :)

In the spirit of fairness and balance, much as I wish I had done some things better or quicker, I am pleased that I did not keep watching my xh like a germ in a Petri dish. That I chose to believe there was nothing worth standing for to me after what had happened. That I - albeit slowly - saw that it was unhealthy to want contact with anyone who will hurt you without concern, even if you don't understand why they would do that. That I wanted to save myself more than I wanted to support my then h. That I respected his right to leave but not his right to abuse me as he left.

I think I am at a different bit of my story now...a kind of lots of s$it happened but now you get to play the cards you have stage. I am probably bored of indecision, inaction, being a self pitying victim, fear and thinking. Yay!
And I think I might have found my original 'trust in God but tie up your own camel' beliefs. I am sorry that whatever happened to my xh and me caused so much damage and distress. It would not have been my choice for either of us. But it was the path my xh chose. I do feel more and more that although what happened wasn't a good thing for me, some of the way it happened maybe was. That God might have saved me from more things and people that would hurt me more as opposed to punishing me lol.

So what does this all mean?
Accepting that I am not at all sure what I want to do with my life now.
Doing things anyway.
Trying things even if I am not sure they are what I want
Tidying up my own s$it.
Feeling gratitude for the metaphorical roses.
And leaving my lost treasures in my own little memory box to be pulled out occasionally when I need them or want to feel grateful for what I had as well as what I have.

Sun shining here after thunderstorms last night.
A tidying up my s$it day here while listening to the radio as a 'feint' tactic for my fear.
And an allotment evening when it is cooler.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2019, 02:48:56 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2019, 01:40:15 AM »
First to follow along!  ;D
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2019, 02:04:59 AM »
I'm attaching too!!!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2019, 02:27:49 AM »
First to follow along!  ;D

I shall award you a free virtual life drain plunger then, UM  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2019, 02:51:21 AM »
First to follow along!  ;D

I shall award you a free virtual life drain plunger then, UM  :)



<snort>  ;D
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Father5

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2019, 07:21:23 AM »
HI Treasure ! ,

I am following along also ! I love this line "That I respected his right to leave but not his right to abuse me as he left."

 I think I want to make a T-Shirt LOL
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2019, 08:01:38 AM »
Here
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2019, 08:55:38 AM »
Lovely to see your latest update Treasur.. I think we are all a bit guilty of analysis paralysis at some point in our journey. I also have a fear of jumping into my new life head on but the reality is, what other option do I have? Do I know what I want? Nope! But I just keep moving, I have said in my thread a while ago that at times I felt like I was just trying to keep myself busy, doing things to pass the time.. But at the same time some of that "stuff" I did that at the time felt a bit like running, has opened other doors for me and has changed the way I think about things.. So maybe you can call it unexpected benefit?

Personally, what has helped me a lot was to connect with other people. My family is far away and I didn't really value my friendships (big mistake!) because H was all I needed so after H left I felt very lonely and lost.. Most of my closest friends right now are people who before were gym or work acquaintances.. Now they are the people who I share a lot of my time with, they make me laugh, they hug me when I'm upset, they offer to get stuff for me when I'm sick. They make me feel loved and cared for and they make me realize I'm a human being that is worth spending time with and in a way, they prove my H wrong.. As a person, this has helped me a lot in my recovery as LBS. I have to admit, I still live with the shame of being left by my H but the shame is shrinking because I have people in my life who prove to me that it's H's loss, not mine.

In your previous thread there was a lot of discussion about GAL and if it's good or not.. What worked for me was a mix of GAL and sitting with my pain to process it. Neither extreme is good, IMO.. So get out there and be the wonderful person we all know you are! Connect with people in RL, find people with shared interests that might motivate you to go even further down a particular lane. You might not know what path you want to follow yet but you need to get out there and see what the options are  ;)


H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Anjae

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2019, 01:47:44 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Treasur.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2019, 05:48:57 PM »
Treasur

Joining you for ‘more after life’.

You’ve gone through a lot and come very far, good for you strong lady!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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