Author Topic: My Story More After Life  (Read 2787 times)

Offline Milly

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My Story Re: More After Life
« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2019, 05:51:16 AM »
I'm here, too, Treasur.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #11 on: July 27, 2019, 10:23:29 AM »

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #12 on: July 27, 2019, 11:06:00 AM »
You’re ahead of the curve Treasur!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jul/27/room-to-grow-how-allotment-life-can-be-the-best-therapy

Nice to know! And he gets it, he's been there hasn't he? Interestingly his latest book sounds like an LBS kid and an MLCer meet in a bar.... ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #13 on: July 27, 2019, 11:25:07 AM »

Offline Anjae

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #14 on: July 27, 2019, 04:33:51 PM »
And pretty much all the 2x4s I have received have been bang on the button. I just couldn't act on them mostly. Or not at the time. The tough truth I suspect is that I stopped wanting a life after I lost my tribe. I didn't want to GAL bc my internal jury was unconvinced that I wanted to live at all. Which sucks and I feel quite ashamed about that and my dad would be lining up 2x4s too...but that is how it was for me. Even when I no longer actively thought about suicide, I had not crossed a line into wanting to live. Somehow just me wasn't enough point. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? And such a lot of wasted time.

I dare say many LBS are not able to act on 2x4 or other things. At least not early on and often for a good while afterwards. There are neurological reasons for it, as well as, if you want, or for lack of a better expression psychological/emotional ones. It does not sound ridiculous to me. For many of us there is a period of darkness. After all, our world was turned upside down in a manner we never expected.

Do you want me to send you 22C max?  ;) :)


The allotement article guy gets it, but his situation is very different. His wife was ill. She didn't cheat and left him and turned into someone he did not knew.

His book seems interesting. Thank you for the links, Nerissa.


We talk a lot about grief and how there is no timeline for it. This is from Nick Cave's The Red Hand Files, a newsletter in which he answers fans questions. This was in reply to a fan that lost his wife and was left to care for their daughter. For those who may not know, Nick Cave and his wife Susan lost one of their twin boys, 15 years old Arthur, in 2015.

"But grief is beyond our control; it is omnipotent and invincible and we are miniscule in its presence and when it comes for us, all we can do is to kneel before it, heads bowed and await its passing.

But, as you know, grief is also tidal. In time, it can recede and leave us with feelings of peace and advancement, only for it to wash back in with all its crushing hopelessness and sorrow. Back and forth it goes, but with each retreating drift of despair, we are left a little stronger, more resilient, more essential and better at our new life."

The whole reply can be read here: https://www.theredhandfiles.com/hard-to-find-happiness/
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline heroIam

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2019, 06:45:47 PM »
Following along Treasur
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2019, 07:15:21 PM »
Following along Treasur. I'm always fascinated by what you have to say. Thanks for being so generous.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019

Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

"Learning how to live like she ain't coming back."

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #17 on: July 28, 2019, 08:09:08 PM »
Jumping on T,

Always there for ya  :)

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2019, 08:36:50 PM »
Following Treasur!

I completely relate to not actively thinking of suicide, but not really being ready to fully live either.  I was there for many months of this last year.  Yet, somehow with each passing day there are little bits of hope, Joy, and healing that takes place.  Unnoticeable until I look back on the months and weeks. 

Your losses have been great.  I’m not sure you should look at your time as wasted, it takes as long as it takes to heal.  It took me 20 years to heal from my Mothers choices.  You are an inspiration.  Keep on moving forward step by step.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2019, 02:19:06 AM »
Quick update from a sunny patio with coffee.
I am ok, really I am, bit getting more ok means looking honestly at what I couldn't before.
And what is getting in my own GAL way.
Without pretending, justifying or using it as an excuse.

I appreciate the warm words but actually I don't feel that I have been strong or inspiring at all.
I got lost. In my case, in PTSD and isolation and avoidance. I am much better but I am still not entirely mentally or emotionally healthy tbh. I feel a bit ashamed about that and this sometimes makes me a bit defensive in acting on very good advice from myself and others. 'I can't' has become a habit. It is a bit tricky sometimes to find the balance between being honest with myself about that and the barriers it creates without using it as an excuse to be a victim of it.
But I am starting to chew my way out lol.

It is residue really. And often quite irrational. My new default is shaped by two things. My first assumption is that something new is a threat. And one that I might not be able to deal with. Complete opposite of how I used to be. So, for instance, got a text from an old client on Friday wanting to talk to me. My old assumption would have been 'oh, perhaps some nice new work'; my current one is that they will want something I can't do or deal with. I seem to see the simplest thing as an overwhelming number of steps each of which could be a disaster.  So I ignored the text. There is no logic to it at all. I will call them next after this though.

The second is that it is  still too easy for me to get stuck in a kind of obsessive rumination and depression. May be a character flaw, maybe just a bit of PTSD residue. Less about xh or MLC, but just a small 'how the hell did I end up here from there' thing. Can't even put words to it actually. Odd really bc there are many things I have let go of, but some small need to make sense of that lurks. I think it is just that feeling of insecurity about what was/is real or not and what that means. And it is an unhealthy mental distraction from more constructive things. Thinking less is a big challenge. Or wanting certainty and clarity. Or getting obsessive about other things perhaps is the way to go lol. But the more I think, the more I avoid doing. I do get why my brain keeps returning to it like a dog with vomit, but it is hard as hell to stop.

Savour Faire just posted somewhere about no longer having the shakes, but also recognising that her brain still has two sets of conflicting sets of thoughts and it's a bit of a weird feeling. Get that, don't like it but get it. Tbh it is a pretty strange experience to accept that I married someone who could be capable of probably wanting me dead, and completely devaluing me as a human being, both in terms of what it says about me and about him. And how I lived such a different reality before...no wonder my brain still goes WTF lol.  But I have no doubt that I don't want people in my life who don't respect or value me, who cannot be kind as they go about their business, so his absence is ok now even if I have no idea how he became that kind of person. My stuckness really isn't about my xh at all. Much more about me learning to respect and value myself again tbh.

But I honestly feel that nothing but gritty small actions will change it imho. If only I could order grit from Amazon  :)

So, much better than I was but still some anxiety and depression big enough that it is still getting in my way.
It is very irritating to see how you are getting in your own damn way. ::)...and yet not be able somehow to clear it with a mighty bound lol. Just need to work harder though. Helps tremdously though ha ha that it is just about me really....I am increasingly comfortable accepting that the reason why things happened matters less and that my xh is a stranger to whom I am irrelevant, so that takes me off the MLC rollercoaster. But I hate that my brain is not yet my friend lol.

Beautiful clear starry sky last night was a wonder. Uncle's small party was nice and we're planning a separate belated birthday treat too. Accepted a BBQ invite on Friday with some new neighbours which was nice too. Golf lesson was also nice. Coffee with Veronica and Pippin the dog yesterday. Pile of paperwork is smaller. Have plans with friends for next weekend. Some health stuff and mother stuff which is not so nice and I'm not so sure what to do, but I'll figure it out in the next couple of days.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2019, 03:07:19 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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