Author Topic: My Story More After Life  (Read 2785 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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My Story Re: More After Life
« Reply #130 on: September 11, 2019, 08:47:07 AM »
Back home and a brief chat with the young guy working on the garden. It camevout that he is treating his girlfriend to a romantic weekend in London and they are staying in a bit of central London I knew well. So he asked me for any recommendations on dinner/drinks. I was chatting to him about a particular hotel which has the most glamorous cocktail bar and a tucked away little centuries old basement bar that is fantastic for late night brandy and falling over. As I was describing it to him, suddenly my old life came back in my head. All the times I had met my h in that cocktail bar in the hotel where I had my hen night and we spent our first wedding anniversary. A special place for both of us with a great restaurant that we would probably go to about once a month meeting there after work, eating great food and sharing a dessert. And the late nights with work chums and friends in the basement bar saying I would just stay for one drink...and then being poured into a taxi at 3am. A lot of very happy memories. None of which I imagined.  :)....look, this count your blessings thing works.  :)

My gift to myself tomorrow - as well as a hospital appointment lol - is that I am going to drop off my engagement ring for repair at the local jewellers. Some of you might recall that months ago, maybe last year, I caught my hand on a door and almost lost the tension set diamond. And I wasn't sure if it was a sign or if I was prepared to invest the money or emotion in getting it related. But now I am bc it has only love and hope and joy associated with it, so I shall wear it on my right hand with my wedding ring when it is repaired. If only to nod at those two folks who drank cocktails in the glamourous bar and never imagined that this kind of darkness would be part of their lives.

I feel strangely close to my h right now (I say h bc that is what he is in my heart if not in RL...and tbh I wouldn't want to feel close to xh  ::) ) and it is quite a nice feeling but not one that makes me even think about contacting him. Bc I honestly believe he no longer exists. But I suspect if he remembers what day it is tomorrow, he will think of me too if only for a moment. Bc much as he tried, we did exist and I still do.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #131 on: September 11, 2019, 11:57:55 AM »
Treasur,

Yes!!!! How beautiful and poignant to have a moment where you can look at a memory and say....no, not this one....this moment was mine and it was happy and real and true and I chose it for myself to keep and cherish.

We forget that we have this capacity, to separate the now from what was, and that one does not diminish the other. Your memories are true. They are real and they happened. That can be true, without having to change your feelings about the current reality. There is room enough for both.

While the MLCer certainly can explode our lives....the one thing they cannot do is change the past. That can never be taken from you. It is yours and you own it. Wether you see it or not you are reclaiming your power. Throwing off the little ways in which MLC stole bits and pieces of your life, pushing back and saying “ No...you don’t get to take this from me!”

Look at you grow Treasur! ❤️ You are becoming. It’s a wonderful thing. 😊
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #132 on: September 11, 2019, 01:21:11 PM »
Happy to hear you are "indulging" in self-care via the medical appointments. One can never be too safe.

Your reminiscing about that hotel and bar really resonated with me. I tend to shy away from those memories b/c they have caused me pain in the sense that they are no more, and I miss those days.  But that is living in the past isn't it? You have inspired me to attempt to think of those times with joy, though there still might be a little melancholy associated with them. And the ring--wow. I am so impressed. That is yet another hard one for me, although I think I may look into selling mine. I do love the idea of keeping them as an homage to a past, beautiful life while looking forward to see what great things are to come.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #133 on: September 12, 2019, 02:03:11 AM »
I woke up this morning on my wedding anniversary to big soft sunshine, just like it was in 2003. And I woke up feeling a funny kind of grateful happy. Really grateful for the happy 19 years. And profoundly grateful to have survived the last 3. And grateful for the man I knew and enjoyed so much. And grateful to not have the MLC version causing chaos in my life stomping all over the good stuff.

And yes, I have stopped running from those memories now bc they are full of joy.

I mused this morning on why I held on for as long as I did. Lots of complicated reasons like shock etc. But actually it was more simple than that. I held on bc I wanted to believe that my h would return to himself bc I really valued him. I was wrong but it was an honorouble and loving wrong. I held on until I stopped believing that he would bc he had created too much life damage to ever be quite the same person. Or so it seems to me. I could not have loved my h more. Which is why I held on to see if he would show up. It is also why I decided to love him differently and let him go as he demanded in the awful destructive way he chose. Both are about respect I think. And respect is the foundation of good love. But he was a pretty great human being and I am sorry that I don't get to see that man with coffee this morning.

After the worst of the storm, I think we move to live in some peculiar 'in between' places emotionally and mentally. Lots of both/and. The absence of my beloved's face feels wrong to me, like the universe is slightly off true somehow...but of course it may be the necessary or right path for my xh. Who knows. Both can be true. And I can feel deeply grateful for the love I had and equally grateful to have no contact with him now. It's a strange place isn't it?

Anyhoo, today is a day of sunshine, gratitude and lots of different versions of self care for the happy bride I was and the woman I am now  ;)
« Last Edit: September 12, 2019, 02:21:55 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #134 on: September 12, 2019, 01:53:45 PM »
I love hearing you talk about your memories with so much joy.. It's a sign of how far you are, isn't it? From what you write I always got the feeling that your marriage was a happy one and your love was pure.. So it's good you are able to tap into that without feeling sorry for yourself and what you lost because that was part of your life and your story and nobody can take that away from you, not even your xH.

I can't remember if it was my thread or someone else's but I mentioned a while ago that I don't seem to be able to access my memories and I'm not sure if that's because I simply put them in a box and locked them away or they feel tainted after the last 2 years' events.. Either way I'm not going to go searching for them because I'm not sure I want to remind myself of what I had and no longer do... But it does make me wonder if I'm "running" from the memories and if it's actually healthy for me to simply walk away from them.. Maybe my grieving has been more about the lost future, hope and dreams.. The life I was meant to have in the future but no longer will and the fact that I have to build a new life now.. Your musings always make me muse!  ;D

Interesting about the ring. I still have mine but don't wear them, they are put away in their boxes... (along with my memories maybe?) I hope they can fix it for you and you can proudly wear it again.. Grateful for what you had and grateful with no contact, strange indeed but makes total sense, at least to the LBS army!

Edited to add that I hope your health issues are nothing more that an inconvenience... I hate hospitals, a few hours there feel like weeks!
« Last Edit: September 12, 2019, 01:57:03 PM by One day at a time »
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #135 on: September 13, 2019, 01:49:18 AM »
Just catching up. What news from the doc's? Everything going to be okay?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #136 on: September 13, 2019, 02:42:29 AM »
It will be, Morte, in a few months time with treatment so I will be ok. And actually I am coping with it pretty well. The irritating thing is that it means delaying a couple of other things just at the point when I am ready to crack on with them. But thank you and no need to worry x

I DO like this time of year. Cobwebs in sunshine. Always did. And today is another pretty day.

One Day, I am not sure at all what changed but yes, something has. I can remember the joy and ease of what we were together. Of course it wasn't perfect, whose relationship is? We both had our failings and some less than joyful days and tough events. But yes too, it was a really good healthy honest happy relationship where both of us, as far as I can see, felt safe and appreciated just as we were. Who wouldn't feel grateful to be in a marriage like that? Well, at some point evidently, the depressed/broken version of my h lol. But until then....it was a good place and that's why everyone who knew us was as shocked as me bc it felt like a good place to others too. To the point where some friends almost envied what we seemed to have.  I had forgotten just how good it was bc the sheer horror of what he did/became threw a blanket over it and then it was just too damn painful to remember. But it isn't now. Still feels surreal to have lost it but I seem to have accidentally found faith in what it was.

It is true though that my h became someone who simply could not do that kind of relationship anymore. It was built on openness not walls....for whatever reason, he became a person of walls. As Nah said somewhere, there is nothing normal about someone throwing up those kind of walls and ghosting you after decades of experiencing the opposite.  I honestly don't know if I will ever have a relationship again and it won't be the same of course...but it is a useful reminder to me of how I like to love and be loved  :)

Yesterday I wore my wedding ring for the day although I took it off again this morning. Not bc I feel married but as a kind of homage to those two happy people. And while I was at the hospital and experiencing a bit of discomfort, I closed my eyes and touched the ring to distract myself. And as I did that, all kinds of memories came back from our wedding day, things I hadn't even thought I remembered. It made me feel less alone I suppose, as if that old h was supporting me. Gosh, there is a special kind of LBS loopy that we only understand here isn't there? I'm not sure anyone I know in RL would get that at all lol. Well, maybe a widow or widower. And I had a kind of flashback to his face waiting for me as my father walked me down the aisle...he was doe-eyed with a mixture of real joy and a kind of seriousness. Getting married was a big deal, a tender reverent sort of thing. He looked like he had won the lottery but needed to hold it gently...I remember being surprised that I was more nervous than I imagined bc it seemed so important. But I also remember that I had no doubt at all that this was my person and me his and that getting married was absolutely the right thing to do. Not one doubt. How could I not feel grateful for that? It is his tragedy that he destroyed something that he spent years seeing as the biggest blessing in his life.

It also occurred to me briefly...although I pushed it out of my head bc the day was about the two of us...that his face did not have the same look of openness or reverence at his second wedding in the few pictures that I saw. I don't know what he felt, but maybe a second marriage can never carry that kind of open delight and seriousness of a first. There is too much damage and lost faith maybe. Idk. Not something I have experienced or indeed plan to experience. I am simply grateful for what I had and that I can remember it so vividly.

I did miss my h a little yesterday but not in a horrible way. Just in a kind of 'oh dear, how sad that you died and I wish you were here still' way if that makes sense. My heart was just full of love and grace for him as my beloved, as a human being. And today, I return to pressing on with my new After life and the different blessings that come with it.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 02:46:40 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Maleficent

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #137 on: September 13, 2019, 06:43:27 AM »
Treasur, I am glad the treatment will be manageable and relatively short.  You know we will all worry though. 

Quote
And today, I return to pressing on with my new After life and the different blessings that come with it.
Amen. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Nerissa

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #138 on: September 13, 2019, 07:25:05 AM »
Glad to hear the appointment went ok.

Online Wilderheart

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #139 on: September 13, 2019, 09:15:43 AM »
Hi Treasur, I know exactly what you mean when you talk of your wedding ring, I really miss wearing mine it's in a drawer atm but I do consider that one day I may well wear it on my right hand but not just yet. Your posts have given me a great deal of strength, I think my memories will always be tainted with a sadness but I hope also that someday I will catch myself smiling and appreciating and owning the past 27 years. Thank you.

 

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