Author Topic: My Story More After Life  (Read 2788 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: More After Life
« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2019, 03:13:28 AM »
I'm dealing a bit with a similar "avoidance" thing... and it is mostly stupid stuff like you said like making an appointment to get my car inspected or getting my tax return finished and submitted or making an appointment for a routine checkup...

Thinking about it makes my stomach churn a bit whereas before, all those things were just easy and handled in short order because they are really NOT a big deal.....

I guess that I just have to, as the Germans say, jump over my own shadow and do it... ....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2019, 03:26:56 AM »
Good phrase, UM...jump over ones own shadow...exactly how it feels, what's the phrase in German?
I'll jump around today and hope you do too  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2019, 03:36:01 AM »
Good phrase, UM...jump over ones own shadow...exactly how it feels, what's the phrase in German?
I'll jump around today and hope you do too  :)

In German it is "Muß sich über ihr Schatten springen." (You have to jump over your shadow)

So far, one thing out of the way - some paper work I have been avoiding but NEED to take care of as I stand to profit from getting it in on time...

Next up is calling the garage and making the appointment....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #23 on: July 29, 2019, 04:39:34 AM »
Interesting what you said about looking at new things as a threat. I can relate to that and I have to admit that didn't come with BD, my brain was already "wired" that way and in my specific case was probably related to suffering from migraines and the anxiety that came with it. Anything outside my routine was a threat.. New job? Uf, no, it'll be stressful and I'll get migraines.. Going out on a week day? No, I'll be tired tomorrow and then I'll get a migraine, etc etc...  And my life became very small and full of fear... Not a nice way to live!!

I have managed to break those patterns, sometimes pushing through the fear to prove to myself that I could do things and nothing bad happened.. As time went on, I got more and more adventurous and I am very happy I did because my life was not great before, even when I still had a H because of all this internal struggle. It is maybe one of the silver linings of MLC in my case, I'm getting to know myself a lot more and I'm breaking negative patterns I had in past.

I'm very glad you are making plans and you are spending time with people in RL. It takes time and some days you might have to push yourself to get out there but it'll be worth it in the end. Gritty small actions sounds like a great plan  ;)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #24 on: July 29, 2019, 08:03:14 AM »
And there you go...three bags of paper rubbish later and 4 of my 5 to do done while listening to podcasts.
And the message WAS about a nice new bit of work!
And I feel good and normal and as the work was from a recommendation, feel a bit loved too  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2019, 08:17:15 AM »
And there you go...three bags of paper rubbish later and 4 of my 5 to do done while listening to podcasts.
And the message WAS about a nice new bit of work!
And I feel good and normal and as the work was from a recommendation, feel a bit loved too  :)

And I am only 50/50 but not for lack of trying... I think the garages phone system is horked because it was busy all day since noon...

Later - OK, now I am 2 for 3. I managed to get my Tax Return submitted (I should get about 2K Euros back so it was to my benefit), a set of instructions sent off (that could net me up to about 4K Euros so ALSO to my benefit - WHY was I avoiding that all? <facepalm>) and even got a few things filed and my clean clothes put away.. so maybe 3 of 4?
« Last Edit: July 29, 2019, 01:40:14 PM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #26 on: July 29, 2019, 02:23:27 PM »

Beautiful clear starry sky last night was a wonder. Uncle's small party was nice and we're planning a separate belated birthday treat too. Accepted a BBQ invite on Friday with some new neighbours which was nice too. Golf lesson was also nice. Coffee with Veronica and Pippin the dog yesterday. Pile of paperwork is smaller. Have plans with friends for next weekend. Some health stuff and mother stuff which is not so nice and I'm not so sure what to do, but I'll figure it out in the next couple of days.


Sounds like quite a bit of GAL to me my friend! Much of my GAL, as I've said before has really been about avoidance. I need to figure that one out a little better I think. You've made me think once again dear Treasur!


"But grief is beyond our control; it is omnipotent and invincible and we are miniscule in its presence and when it comes for us, all we can do is to kneel before it, heads bowed and await its passing.

But, as you know, grief is also tidal. In time, it can recede and leave us with feelings of peace and advancement, only for it to wash back in with all its crushing hopelessness and sorrow. Back and forth it goes, but with each retreating drift of despair, we are left a little stronger, more resilient, more essential and better at our new life."


Wow--this really hit home Angae! And I think we don't necessarily recognize it as grief when we are in the middle of it. Only after it has passed do we realize sometimes that is what it was.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #27 on: July 29, 2019, 07:25:54 PM »
Wow--this really hit home Angae! And I think we don't necessarily recognize it as grief when we are in the middle of it. Only after it has passed do we realize sometimes that is what it was.

I found the words amazing, but they are not mine. They are Nick Cave's ones. An answer to a fan whose wife has died. Cave lost one of his twing sons some years ago. He knows a thing or two about grief, and knows how it was seeing his wife, the boy's mother, in grief. I agree we don't tend to recognise grief when in the middle of it. Unless maybe if we had been there before. I was able to recognise it when my maternal grandmother died. Had no idea what it was at BD and for a good while afterwards.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Anjae

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #28 on: July 29, 2019, 07:31:49 PM »
The second is that it is  still too easy for me to get stuck in a kind of obsessive rumination and depression. May be a character flaw, maybe just a bit of PTSD residue.

I don't think it is a character flaw. Just a normal thing for some, if not many people, that suffer trauma. There is still residue of PTSD, there is probably still a bit of depression. I would say it is normal.

Savour Faire just posted somewhere about no longer having the shakes, but also recognising that her brain still has two sets of conflicting sets of thoughts and it's a bit of a weird feeling.

From what I remember, it is a very weird feeling. In my experience it ends up going away. When? I don't know. It will be different for each of us.

But I honestly feel that nothing but gritty small actions will change it imho.

It is fine. One day of a time.  :)

Beautiful clear starry sky last night was a wonder. Uncle's small party was nice and we're planning a separate belated birthday treat too. Accepted a BBQ invite on Friday with some new neighbours which was nice too. Golf lesson was also nice. Coffee with Veronica and Pippin the dog yesterday.

All wonderful.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: More After Life
« Reply #29 on: July 30, 2019, 01:19:46 PM »
Attaching...
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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