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Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand 3

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My Story They just don't understand 3
OP: July 28, 2019, 09:42:22 AM
Can someone link my page, please and Thank you

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10617 - UM
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« Last Edit: July 29, 2019, 12:59:21 AM by UrsaMajor »
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#1: July 29, 2019, 06:34:32 PM
Thank you UM  ;D
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#2: July 30, 2019, 02:51:30 AM
Thank you UM  ;D



<snort>

You are welcome...
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Me - 56
xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 9
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#3: July 30, 2019, 04:12:14 AM
Um has like 5 jobs now.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#4: July 30, 2019, 05:22:55 AM
Um has like 5 jobs now.

I just lost one..... I used to have a 10-15 second blurb on a local radio station (Pop/Rock) every weekday morning but, after 2 years, they decided to end it (which is JUST fine for me too). I never expected the gag to run more than a couple of weeks, let alone 2 YEARS!

So now I am down to four... BUT I will go back to school in September in a Certificate program that runs for 4 years....
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Me - 56
xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 9
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#5: July 30, 2019, 02:24:56 PM
Um, did I say thank you.  ;D
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#6: July 31, 2019, 01:17:06 AM
Um, did I say thank you.  ;D

Yep!  That is how the whole discussion about my myriad jobs started.... all beginning with a GIF...
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Me - 56
xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 9
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

S
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#7: August 10, 2019, 06:15:39 PM
  I've been doing a lot of reading on HS for the past few weeks. I have nothing really to add to my story at this time. H has been real quiet. I do have a question to ask about though.

  The no contact, dim contact or contact, I've read about these and in my situation I don't contact him, but I do answer when he emails me. The only way for me to contact is by email. There are times that I have wanted to email him and ask a question about our car, but I don't because I've read to just leave him be. I know that I can figure things out with the car and take it in and have it serviced or repaired without a problem, but H is a mechanic and I have wanted to just get advice to make sure I'm not getting ripped off when I go to a shop.

  My question is do I just email him and talk like normal or should I just leave him be and handle things the best I can? What is the answer to contact? H has never monstered at me. He has monstered to other people about me though. Can someone give me advice on this please?

Thank you
-Stand
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#8: August 10, 2019, 06:43:54 PM
My opinion is that only because he is a MECHANIC, it's perfectly fine to do so.  You are only seeking a business-like answer.

Otherwise, *no way*, because it would be seen as nagging/pressure.
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« Last Edit: August 10, 2019, 06:45:10 PM by megogirl »

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#9: August 10, 2019, 07:20:00 PM
My question is do I just email him and talk like normal or should I just leave him be and handle things the best I can?

My question is why do you need someone else's advice on what to do? This is not a life altering decision.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#10: August 10, 2019, 07:32:07 PM
Thank you Mego and NRM,

  You guys are right. I guess in a way I wanted to see if he was receptive of my email. I know it's best to just let him be. I mean, I went through surgery a month ago and never told him, so whats a little car work. Plus me making the decision will help with my self esteem and give me strength.

  Hi Megogirl,
 
  How are you doing? I was following along on your page a few weeks back. I've kept you in my prayers since then. I hope you are in a better place now. Take care

-Stand
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#11: August 10, 2019, 07:35:57 PM
You misunderstood my response. I meant why do you need the forum's advice on whether to contact him or not?
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#12: August 10, 2019, 07:46:13 PM
When I need something done and need his help I ask.  But only if it pertains to h.  Usually seldom, and involving kids.  I asked him to set up Microsoft, security, and child safety on some new laptops at the beginning of the summer.  I now know not to bother asking.  He was grumpy, and just now getting done.  The kids need them Monday for school.

So, it depends on where yours is.  Mine is no longer helpful.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#13: August 10, 2019, 09:03:12 PM
NRM,

  I was asking the forum about contact in general. I've read about so many different rights and wrongs in making contact. I've been following shocks sis and have been reading denjef31old posts and I just don't want to make the wrong decisions. If it would upset a mlcer to have a spouse contact then I won't do it. Talking about the car has been a subject that we have shared throughout this crisis. He seems to take pleasure in telling me what to do with repairs. Its seems to make him happy that I have been learning to work on the car. That's all.

-Stand
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#14: August 10, 2019, 09:18:45 PM
If you are reading threads that are making you fearful to that extent that you are worried about whether asking for help from your H or anyone else with a car problem is "right" or "wrong" then I would say the first thing to do is to stop reading those threads because they don't know your H at all. No one is better equipped to make that decision than you, and if reading posts on here is making you doubt your own judgment about how to deal with YOUR OWN husband then really that becomes a bigger problem then whether to ask him or not. This forum has no fortune tellers or mind readers who have a special formula that if you follow it, you will get exactly what you expect you will get. In the worst of his MLC, there were times when trying to do something on my own pissed my H off, and there were times when asking him for help pissed him off. There were times when he was responsive, and times when he wasn't. It's a crap shoot.

Anyone who convinces you that there is a right and a wrong in a matter like this is selling snake oil. Do what you think will help you to get your car fixed in the fastest, most inexpensive and stress free fashion. Because no one, not even you entirely, can predict for you what your H is going to do and how he is going to react.

Don't overwhelm yourself by being conned into making this a more important decision than it needs to be. It's only about fixing your car, it's not about fixing your marriage.
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« Last Edit: August 10, 2019, 09:25:33 PM by Not Your Monkey »

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#15: August 16, 2019, 06:31:00 AM
Well..

There is a delicate dance between becoming self reliant and asking your MLCer for help.

Personally I have no problem asking my MLCer to do things that maybe 'used to be his job' that I am not so good at. Sometimes he will volunteer to do these things without me even asking. He will actually get upset if I say I will 'get a guy out to fix ___'. He always feels he needs to have first shot and sorting it out. ::)

Now don't get me wrong, the guy won't pick up shopping...or get the kids school clothes....or you know...day to day tasks.

But power washing the driveway? Sure.... Going up in the attic? No problem..... Building anything with a power drill? Absolutely.

I will stress though...it has to seem like it was HIS idea. If I said ''Beast will you fix the radiator'' it will be a death stare, or a moaning ''I don't have time'' conversation. But if  I offhandedly mention I need to get a guy out to fix my leaking radiator...''No no, let me have a look''.  ;)

This of course is taken at 2 years post BD so... make of that what you will.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#16: August 16, 2019, 02:26:10 PM
NYM AND Morts,

  Well, I took y'alls advice and I went ahead and emailed my H about the work I'm having done on the car. My real question was about an LBS making contact in general. I read that we should only contact them for kid stuff or court stuff, but for stuff that we can handle on our own that we should just leave them be.

  Mortsbride I went off of your advice with car stuff use to be his job. This was true for us. My H is a mechanic by trade so he always did the mechanical work on our cars.

When I sent the email I worded it as if I was looking for his input as to who I should take the car to.

  Two things, he will either tell me where I should take it or maybe he will volunteer to do the work himself.  I figured this will give him the option if he is in a giving kind of mood.

  Keeping my fingers crossed that he want to do the work which will save me hundreds of dollars.

-Stand
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#17: August 18, 2019, 10:22:52 AM
Hi all,

  Well, I heard back from H this morning. He did give me good advice on my car repair needs. Which was nice of him.

  Now for the big stuff. In telling me about himself and how he is doing, he said to me "I'm doing ok I think. I'm still dealing with my own health issues, it is what it is." This man has claimed to be sick since about a week before BD 17 months ago. I have always looked at it like this is his way of telling about his depression (mlc), but not knowing what is wrong with him. One day he will open his eyes to Gods message.

  He is asking me to meet up with him to sign a paper from the mortgage company acknowledging that I have seen the paperwork of him modifying the mortgage loan that I am not on. My DIL is a broker and talked to loan specialist about this and they tell me that I would not be required to sign anything since my name is not on the loan. I will meet up with him though. It would be nice to see him.

  He has also told me that he has rented the whole house out as of October 1st. Our house is a duplex and I have plans to rent out the downstairs and live in the upstairs. This is something that he agreed to and I have it in writing from him. This plan would free him up of all mortgage payments for the time it is rented. His plan does not work for me and I told him this. So he is either telling me this to get me moving along with the renting or we are now at a crossroad in this crisis and problems are about to start. Either way we do need to sit down and make an agreement that we both agree to and get that in writing and signed by both of us.

Another Day in the Life of a MLC'er  ? :o

-Stand
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#18: August 19, 2019, 01:03:11 PM
I hope the meeting goes well and he doesn't cause you any issues with the house situation. :)
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#19: August 19, 2019, 08:10:59 PM
Thanks Mortsbride,
 
  I'm not worried about this. This same thing was presented to me about 6 weeks ago. Nothing came of it. It just makes it hard to know if he is just all words or if this is real. I would like to sit down and come to an agreement about the house and renting it out. Maybe write up an agreement that we are both happy with, but that would be the normal thing to do. I really am just not going to jump back on that roller coaster.

-Stand
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#20: August 22, 2019, 09:31:21 AM
So, i get another email which sounds a little desperate or maybe with frustrated attitude asking me to meet up with him so I can sign some papers saying that I have seen his mortgage loan modification. Then he wants me to go to his bank and have this form notarized. I have asked him 3 times now to email me a copy for further review. In one email he said that he was would be emailing a copy by the end of the day. Didn't happen.

  I have no plans on signing anything for him. I am not on his mortgage loan, I have no trust in anything he is doing right now and I am not his mother and will not be a part of his crazy world.

  I have plans to call his mortgage company and see if they will send me a copy of this form. He made this modification way back in February and nothing was said back then about me needing to sign anything. My gut is telling me that this form is for me to sign away my rights to our home.

  Do y'all feel I'm handling this situation correctly? I just don't want to meet up with him with him expecting me to sign this paper.

-Stand
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#21: August 22, 2019, 10:08:19 AM
Yes Stand, you are handling this perfectly.

Who signs a document until they've read it and knows what it means???  No person I know.
He is not furnishing a copy for some reason.
Just ignore his pleas until he gives it to you.
I wouldn't waste my time hunting down the bank for it.

Strange MLCer's.   ::)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#22: August 22, 2019, 10:34:50 AM
Thank you Thunder,

  So, I went ahead and phoned the bank and talked to a very nice man who explained what the document is and what its for. Same thing H said it was for. I still don't want to sign it until I have a copy in front of me and I have read it myself in my own space without him breathing down my neck. I also want a copy for my records.

  H had also told me that he know wants to rent out the whole property taking away the apartment that I will have for my home. That is something I will never agree to. The main house can be rented out for the amount of the original loan payment. If he has a higher payment now that is his problem not mine. I could live in the apartment for free and the tenants would even cover my utilities.

  I'm really putting my foot down on this one. H does not provide me with any spousal support, so if he wants to keep it that way it will have to be done my way. I'm at the stage of tough love and this stuff does not impress me.

  Its like dealing with a stubborn child.  :o

Yes, I've detached about 95%.
-Stand
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#23: August 23, 2019, 02:37:13 PM
  This morning I received a copy of the documents, through his email, that I need to sign for H loan modification on the house. It is what I was told by H and his bank. All should be good, but its put me in a position of making some, in my opinion, tough decisions. Here is the situation, I could use some input and advice on this.
 
  Loan modification means a higher interest rate, back to 30 years on the loan and about $200 more dollars a month in payment. We bought the house 3 years ago. H was already in crisis, but I was naive to it. He bought his Harley 1 month later.  :o. 9 months after BD house was going into foreclosure.

  The house is a duplex. We will rent out the main house and I plan on living in the upstairs apartment. Now that I am stronger I feel that it is time for me to go back home. All this sounds great and easy, but

  H wants to rent out the whole property leaving me with no place to live. I'm staying at my sons house at the moment, which works out ok, but does not give me full privacy or quiet time for myself.

  My son is a property manager by trade and he has run the numbers for me on how much rent we could charge for my home. What he tells me would be $300 shy of the mortgage payment or $100 shy of the original mortgage payment. This is not my problem as I didn't create this mess.

  I believe these are the choices that I am facing at this time. I am a stander so,

       1. Get what I have left in the house and walk away from the whole thing. I am not on the loan, but I am on the title making me owner of half of the house. This would mean I would have to store all my belongings costing me about $300 a month. This would also mean that I will not be signing the loan modification document leaving him blowing in the wind.
       
       2. Sign the document and allow him to rent out the property with me not knowing what is happening. Trusting that he is making sound choices.

       3. Tell him that in order for me to sign I will need to take controlling interest in the property. I will hire my son as the property manager and he will report to me. The rent payment will come to me and I will give it to H after I've seen proof of his mortgage payment being made. I will live upstairs. This would also mean H would have to trust me.

  I have a wonderful plan on who I would rent the house to. The veterans administration has a program for disabled/homeless veterans. I will be checking into this program on monday to see what I need to do to get this implemented. By doing this it will bring my H closer to the money he needs for the mortgage payment. I feel that this is a win win all the way around.

  I could really use some advice or opinions on this. I know its going to take some convincing on my part for him to give me control over the decisions on the house. My way will keep the house safe for our future.

-Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#24: August 24, 2019, 05:37:30 AM
Well I am no expert here but...

1. If you are not in the property at the moment, perhaps walking away from the whole thing would be less of a headache in the long run...but I don't know how much you would have invested here. If you were to sell the property how much money would you make? If the mortgage is higher than the property value...you won't make squat..so I would walk away. If there is a considerable amount to be gained, I wouldn't as you are entitled to it. As for the ''stuff'' ...furniture could be left and sold or rented as furnished...if it is more personal items perhaps it is time to declutter? £300 per month is a lot for a virtual shed IMO.

2. This sounds like a horrible idea from what you have written. I would never trust my MLCer to make a sound choice. Perhaps yours is more mature and financially responsible than mine...but...  ::)

3. I am not entirely sure your MLCer will let you have this level of control. Remember we are the enemy. It would be a super hard sell to have him 'trust you' and 'give you control'. Hiring your son seems like a good idea as he is a property manager, but in the long run..if things don't go your way ...you are directly setting him up to be a middle man. If things go good...it will be great... if things go bad... you could damage your relationship with your son, or his relationship with his father. My mom alarm is flagging this a red flag. ''The rent coming to you, then you giving to H after you see proof of the mortgage'' is highly controlling. I know why you are doing it (for your security) but from a 3rd party it looks and feels controlling, so to your husband it will look even more controlling...does that make sense?

Perhaps there is another option.

Why don't you discuss with your MLCer (in as few words as possible  ::)) that you need to move out of son's for the reasons you described, that you would like to return to living in the apartment...that it would allow you to keep an eye on the tenants and keep them from destroying the house...that it would offer you a place to stay...it would offer son his privacy...and perhaps even suggest your idea about the veteran's to him. Maybe if you approach it as if you are trying to 'help him' instead of 'policing' him he might be more open to the idea?

As for ensuring the rent get's paid that part is tricky. While you want to make sure the mortgage is paid, him having the money flow through you is going to be a hard sell. You could try the tactic of ''the renters can pay me, and I will pay the mortgage so you don't need to worry about it...''. Most MLCers seem to want less responsibility so he might buy that one. Perhaps you could even set up a bank account simply for the rent to be paid into, and the mortgage to come out of? A join account simply for the house payment and rent would be an idea. One that you both have access to online (to view the incoming and outgoing payments) but that you are not allowed to withdraw funds from.. (this should be easy enough to set up with your bank if you both go in together).
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#25: August 24, 2019, 06:18:27 PM
I know nothing about your situation, history or backstory with your MLC journey, but there is no way on God's green earth I would attach my name to anything the MLC'er is doing  that it isn't already on.  At this point, you should be focused on cutting ties, not creating new ones.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#26: August 24, 2019, 06:30:17 PM
Mortsbride,

  While reading one of Shocks Sis answers to a different LBS today I felt like her words were meant for me. I have also felt that God has been giving me the same message.

This is what she wrote:

 Hi Terra
Don’t respond to him he’s very manipulative and it’s a form of control.
Tell him nothing about anything you are doing and only respond if it’s life or death or something important about your children.
It seems to me he needs to have some control as he has none for himself.
Please let him know nothing.

  Knowing that the house is the only thing that is keeping me attached I've decided it's time to take my power back. This loan modification is the third thing that he has brought to me to save the house. I feel like he is playing a game with me.

  My DIL read the document that he wants me to sign and pointed out that the document expired a month ago. I have decided that I will be concentrating on removing my things from my house and I am going to drop the rope. My marriage and my ties up emotions will be put on a shelf and I will move forward taking care of me.

  I just can't let him continue on with this control. Today I received a brand new credit card with enough credit on it for me to rent a truck and a storage unit to put my belongings. I will only take what is important to me and I will leave all the junk for him to take care of.

  He will either sink or swim, but it is no longer my problem.
Let Go and Let God take care of it.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#27: August 24, 2019, 06:38:46 PM
BB,

  Thank you for your advice. Quick education on my sitch. H left 18 months ago. Like most is destroying himself financially and stopped paying for the house. Loan is in his name alone and I am on the title making me half owner of the property.

  To keep the house from going into foreclosure and most likely to save his job he modified his loan and because I am on title the bank needs me to sign acknowledging that I agree to the modification. I would not be signing up for anything new with my MLCer.

  You can see what I posted above.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#28: August 25, 2019, 06:28:09 AM
Ok, gotcha,  ST....you are attached, just not to the actual loan.  That may make a difference, but only if there is enough equity in the home to disperse, if the home is sold and dependent upon the agreement you have in place, should the home be sold.

At 18 months, this guy has only just begun his descent.  He has a lot more destruction to carry out, so my best advice is to sign nothing your own legal counsel has not approved.  This is not the man you once knew.  This person has no real feelings towards you, therefore your interests in this are nowhere in the picture as far as he's concerned.   Do your homework and check it twice.  Being just as ruthless and cutthroat may not be your style,  but I promise it will leave you better off down the road.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#29: August 25, 2019, 09:50:48 PM
BB,

  H and I have no agreement on the sale of the house, but with my name on the title he can't sell it without me signing off on it for the title company and I don't have plans anymore of helping him figure things out to fix his problems. I feel if I keep fixing things then he will never get through this. We bought the house just 3 years ago and with his non payments and now a modification to the loan there is no equity in the house.

  I'm a little confused as to why he ever bought it in the first place. I believe he was already in his MLC at the time. He had already BD me a year before we bought the house with the ILYBINILWY speech and then a month later he bought his Harley. He had already gone through a lot of the typical changes by then. I had no clue. I didn't know what a MLC was. I believe he was a live in for the first 2 years.

  He threw some controlling type words at me through an email, so I'm going to give it back to him. I'm moving my stuff out and walking away. Like you said "Being ruthless and cutthoat" needs to be used sometimes. If he want to take all the stress of preparing a house to rent then by all means have at it. I on the other hand will be sleeping at night.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#30: August 25, 2019, 09:53:25 PM
Hi

  I saw this on an old thread the other day and thought it would be fun to share. I mean, if we can't laugh at this MLC stuff once in a while...Check it out.

www.soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#31: August 27, 2019, 08:22:20 PM
  So, I get another email from the H today telling me that he is resending the paperwork that he needs signed for the bank for his loan modification. I mean, he acts like this is a dire emergency. He is telling me that we need to do this today or tomorrow because he will be going out of town on Thursday.  ::).

  So, I let it ride for about 4 hours and then told him that I wouldn't be able to do it today or tomorrow because I have work and today is my S birthday. I told him that we can get together next week. I told him to have fun on his trip and to be safe.

  I'm trying to send a message that he has no control over what I do and that I make choices on my schedule. First of all if this paperwork was so important to him then he should have contacted me in June or July when he got the paperwork from the bank. Now the paperwork is expired and he is racking his brain to get me to meet him to sign.

  I've spoken to the bank and asked about the document being expired. They told me its no big deal and that they are good with whenever I can sign. It makes me think that the ow is breathing down his neck about getting it rented. I will go over this weekend and change locks on the doors that I want to keep him out of. The main house will be his to rent. With that comes all the cleaning up of stuff I don't want.

  I'm not trying to be confrontational, but I'm also not going to let him push me around either. I told my S tonight that I don't want to put him in the middle of anything or be held responsible for my H failures. If H does not pay the loan payment and goes into foreclosure and he has the house rented then he can be sued for this. My S dosen't need to be involved.

  Well, I'll find out next week if we will be able to work together. Working together was something that came natural before BD. We shall see.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#32: August 28, 2019, 02:06:18 AM
I totally agree with your assessment Stand Tall... Schmoopie wants him to


Well, that is just too bad.... She'll get it when he gets it....

I also think it is a good idea to keep you S out of the loop.. Who needs that nonsense because, with a Mid-Lifer, it is probably not a question of IF the house goes into foreclosure but when...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#33: August 28, 2019, 08:31:07 PM
Thank UM,

  Thanks for the laugh. I can tell you that if ow is all about the money that will be her demise. H has always talked about hating his M because all she ever wanted from him was money. Before I met him she would call him only to ask for money. After BD she called me. This was the first time in 20 years that she called me. She asked me to accept her friend request on Facebook. The day after I accepted her friendship she sent me a request for money. When it happened again a week later I deleted her on my Facebook. Message to ow: Carry on with your selfish self. Looking forward to your obituary.

  On a better note. My company has been doing so well that I have had to open a Quickbooks account today. I have no education in bookkeeping, but I just finished up my setup and sent my first Quickbook invoice. I'm pretty proud of myself.

  Things are looking great for the future. I feel ready and not nervous about meeting up with H and talking about my plans for our house. I know I have come a long way now. I've taken control of my schedule and my life again. Its been a long time.

Next
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#34: August 29, 2019, 12:34:47 AM
Great News about your Company Standing, you really can be proud of yourself. You really dont Need a MIL like that in your life :-)

He is telling me that we need to do this today or tomorrow because he will be going out of town on Thursday.  ::).
Really!! WE NEED! >:(
I told him that we can get together next week. I told him to have fun on his trip and to be safe.
The perfect answer. You do what you have to do when you feel it is the right time to do it. Thats taking the power back and showing that you are no pushover. Its also how I operated, I decided when what got done, when she could come over (I would be out when she arrived) it drove her crazy.  ;D
  I'm trying to send a message that he has no control over what I do and that I make choices on my schedule.
Exactly 8)
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#35: August 29, 2019, 12:39:55 AM
  Thanks for the laugh. I can tell you that if ow is all about the money that will be her demise. H has always talked about hating his M because all she ever wanted from him was money. Before I met him she would call him only to ask for money. After BD she called me. This was the first time in 20 years that she called me. She asked me to accept her friend request on Facebook. The day after I accepted her friendship she sent me a request for money. When it happened again a week later I deleted her on my Facebook.

OK. that is just TOO weird..... MIL is asking YOU for money? Sounds to me like...



As for the "We NEED to do this..." nonsense, you might wish to ask him "Who is We? You got a mouse in your pocket?"
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#36: August 29, 2019, 10:54:56 AM
Whyus and UM,

  Another good one UM, mouse in his pocket. I could see if face if I said it.  :o. The MIL is the true definition of crazy. Yeah, I'm no longer the wife that does whatever he wants. 18 months has gone by and I've paved the way and, lets just say, I'm tired of dealing with the child like man. I'm going to be nice to him, but I'm going to do it as I see fit.

  In my future the only thing that will hold me back will be me. Thanks for responding guys. Schmoopie ;D

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#37: August 31, 2019, 11:36:02 AM
  Here it is the last day of August. Where is this year going?

  When I went to the doctor on Monday for my checkup we talked about weight loss and how to achieve it in the wise years. She told me weight watchers was the best plan out there and I know this is true because I was once on it and lost over 20lbs. I just don't like the cost of it right now. She (doctor) also talked about intermittent fasting. I've heard about this. My DIL tried it, but didn't stick it out. This can be done for free. Has any one else heard of it or tried it. I guess you choose a 8 hour block in the day to eat/drink all your calories. Think I'm going to give it a try.

  I'm just wondering if anyone would be interested if I started a support page on HS for this type of weight loss or weight loss in general. Maybe share plans and recipes. Can a moderator please tell me how I could go about doing this?

Thanks
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#38: August 31, 2019, 12:00:07 PM
I do intermittent fasting....I usually don’t have anything other than coffee (because nurses run on coffee) until 4pm and then I don’t eat after 8pm...I do it like 4 days a week...and the in between days I have like 6 small snacks/meals throughout the day...I’m down 80 lbs and kept it off for the last 3 years doing that.
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“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#39: August 31, 2019, 12:18:45 PM
That's wonderful courage. It would be great to be able to interact and support each other in a positive way taking our minds off of our mlcer spouse's once in a while GAL. Thanks for the input.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#40: August 31, 2019, 01:10:23 PM
I love eating healthy and sharing recipes!
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#41: August 31, 2019, 01:14:59 PM
Finding joy,
  This seems like it will be a fun way to connect and share some good recipes.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#42: August 31, 2019, 05:40:04 PM
ST, I'm not sure if I mentioned before or not, but I am working on becoming a certified personal trainer and also a nutrition coach.  I've lived a healthy lifestyle most of my life, but while married had a much more difficult time with maintaining it... due in part to the stresses of that old life.

I've done various styles of nutrition to pair with my training and active lifestyle and the goals I have at each stage.  I would love to be able to help you and anyone else here who needs guidance to get their health and wellness back on track.  I know that plans are not one size fits all, and that each individual has specific goals that the best plan will be tailored to achieve.

Wishing you all the in your endeavors!
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#43: August 31, 2019, 05:45:35 PM
Hi Stand Tall

You can start a thread to discuss healthy eating/weightloss and recipes...go to the tab New Topic then set it as Off topic for both the Help and Message Icon and in the subject create a few words as to what the thread is about.

I think many LBSers could benefit.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#44: August 31, 2019, 07:06:47 PM
Beyond Blessed,

  Thank you so much for the offer. Your knowledge will be a great help to us and I'm sure to you for your future plans. With the help of xyzcf I was able to start an off topic page in the community and would love to have yours and everyone who is interested input.

  xyzcf,

  Thanks so much for your help in getting this started. It's all set up in the community now.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#45: August 31, 2019, 07:37:23 PM
You are welcome. I am interested to see what people contribute.

I spent years in community health (health education and prevention) and am very interested in people taking responsiblity for their health. So many things can be done...so thanks for starting that topic!

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#46: September 01, 2019, 08:32:21 AM
xyzcf,

  I am also very interested to see what people talk about. It will take somes minds off of their situation and put it back on themselves for a bit. We all know that when we can lose weight it makes us proud of ourselves and builds self esteem. I feel its a perfect start when you don't know where to start to GAL.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#47: September 03, 2019, 08:02:54 AM
So, I got an email from H yesterday evening letting me know that he is back in town from his party weekend with friends in his motorcycle club. Telling me he had an awesome time. <--This is the exact some thing I said to him when he asked how my 4th of July was.  ;). He doesn't use the word "awesome". Anyway, he asked when I would be able to get together and get these papers signed for the bank. He talked it like it was a dire emergency and needed to be done like yesterday. I responded back a hour later telling him that I could meet up today and to let me know where and what time. I've now heard nothing. Could it be that I was to nice in my response telling him that I was looking forward to seeing him? Sometime I wonder if the ow watches to close. :o Is this normal? This in a hurry and then when he is about to get what he wants he goes cold, ducks back in the tunnel? At this rate these papers will never get signed.  ::)

Just continuing on as if nothing is happening cause its really not my problem.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#48: September 03, 2019, 12:30:38 PM
 ;)
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#49: September 03, 2019, 09:40:38 PM
  So, long story short. He sent an email late this morning and we did meet up at the bank. When he came into the bank I reach out to hug him and he bent right in and gave me a really good hug with his head next to mine. Then he sat in the chair next to me. Six months ago he would have sat on the other side of the room.

He then took the documents out of the envelope and I noticed that there were 12 pages. The copy he emailed me only had 8 pages. The notary came up to us asking if we were ready. I said I'm noticing that there are 12 pages and I only saw 8. Can someone explain the other pages to me before I sign. Notary said no. She said that they sent two copies so that we could each have a copy, but that I could certainly take a copy and get advice from a lawyer. I could just see the anger boil up in him. So, I said I'm not going to be able to sign anything that I haven't read. H said oh no, we are here now and it needs to get signed. Then he handed me to other documents so that I could read them and the notary was going to call the underwriter so I could talk to her. Thing was I had talked to his bank about this document about a week ago, so I already knew what it said.

  I read the pages while H fumbled with the documents trying to get them organized by number. You know, it took him 25 minutes to put the pages in numerical order. Notary kept looking at me and rolling her eyes and making confused faces at me. H was not able to put the pages in order. I just sat there patiently.

  While the notary was doing her thing I noticed a bowl of dumdum's (lolly pops) sitting on the desk in front of me. I took one out and handed it to H. In the past anytime someone had candy on their desk I would always give H one. Well, he took the dumdum and unwrapped it and put it in his mouth. I thought to myself that nothing has changed. He's just a little boy at heart.

  So, the documents got signed and we went outside and started talking. He asked about me living upstairs. I told him that I was going to be. He said the people that were going to rent it backed out because they wanted the whole house. I don't believe that he ever had a renter. He asked if I was going to be paying part of the utilities and I said that is something I would work out with the renters. He said he didn't think it was fair that he has been paying $1000 a month and that I haven't paid anything. In my head I'm thinking "It's cheaper to keep her" and "not my problem" I then said I don't take any spousal support from him and that I am entitled to it. That I figured that it was a draw.:) I started looking around for my tiny sympathy violin. ;D He said a few more whiny things then he says I was hoping to come home at some point. I said then come home. I said you're paying the mortgage so come home. I said you can live downstairs. I said I won't be there much, probably only on the weekends. He then said something about we are each doing our own things now and I said yup.

  I then brought up the subject of my S being a property manager and we could have him manage the house and it would be done through the real estate company that he works with. I said it would be done professionally, but that I would want to be on the contract because If an emergency comes up he (S) would need answers right away. H agreed and told me to have my S get up with him.

  He said he needed to get the truck, that he was driving, back and had to go and he gave me a big hug. I said oh hang on I have something for you. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a small pocket knife that was given to him from a friend. We talked about 5 more minutes and he said I gotta get going and gave me another big hug and we parted.

  Ok, No expectations on him cooperating with the rental agreement. The words about coming home are just words right now. It was just a small hole in the dam as Shocks Sis would say.

  I'm continuing on with moving forward and making plans for me. On my way home I stopped the the local VFW to get information on joining the auxiliary. I have always wanted to volunteer my time helping our Veterans and it is now time for me to step forward with this. With this group I will meet my own friends. Do my own thing and be doing things that will make me happy.

  Such a good day for me. I could see my strength, the old me, the one that H knew and fell in love with. I truly feel like I'm back and I could feel him drawn to it.

~Stand

  No, not the old me, but the new, stronger then before me.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#50: September 04, 2019, 12:30:25 AM
Well done, Stand - definitely 1000 LBS points  ;)
Yup, your h is a sorry mess...but you are not.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#51: September 04, 2019, 12:54:43 AM
Go you!

Note to H:
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D - 9
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#52: September 04, 2019, 07:49:19 AM
Thanks Treasur and UM,

  In the past I would have scooped up the papers from him and got them organized. This time I just let him do it however long it took. Its really huge on his part that he was able to initiate and deliver this contract all by himself. He said he did it all over the phone. It was a good sign of change to me.

  I went to my email this morning as I was going to email him telling him that I was proud of him for saving the house from foreclosure,  but the emails from our conversation about meeting up are gone. It now appears like a pretty cut and dry conversation between us. This was not something he needed to hid from me. I guess me telling him that I was looking forward to seeing him wouldn't be something he would want the ow to see.  ;D There have been a few other signs that things have changed in la la land.

  I will keep moving forward, but watching from afar.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#53: September 04, 2019, 06:07:45 PM
There was one other thing that happened that I forgot to mention. When sitting at the desk the notary said something to H about the papers and he pointed at me and said "who my wi..." and stopped his words real quick. I thought to myself "go ahead H, you can say wife." It made me chuckle inside.

  All I can say is following the advice and reading everything you can and not just once, but read it all over again every few months really helps get us to the right side of this crisis. I feel like I am always a few steps ahead of H because I read to understand.

Enjoying my journey
~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#54: September 05, 2019, 02:25:01 AM
Yeah Stand, I hear you... I am waiting for the day when I hear my xW have to introduce me as her xH.... I have the feeling it will be harder for her to say than me to hear....
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#55: September 06, 2019, 11:32:05 AM
UM,

  I pray the day comes that she is standing in front of you with apology in her eyes. At that moment no words from her will be necessary. You will know.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#56: September 06, 2019, 04:51:38 PM
  So, it seems we may have another MLCer H in the housewives shows. This time it is in the Dallas women. Seems some of the women on the show claim that D'Andra Simmons H is going through a MLC. I will be keeping my eye on it to see how this goes.  ;)

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#57: September 08, 2019, 10:04:15 PM
Forget my last post. I seems that the show will be celebrating one of the cast members 50th birthday with a MLCer party. Again, making all this just a joke. Well, I'm not laughing.

  Had an interesting weekend. On saturday I had all my kids and their spouses come over for a cookout. We are celebrating S32 birthday and sending S30 off to a job for an extended amount of time. We won't see him again until Christmas and he leaves after the new year for another 3 months. He's making the money. $$$

  So, while talking with S30, of course H came up, S said something about H being dropped off at his job by ow. I asked S if she still worked there and everyone around the table looked at each other in an odd way. I could tell they are keeping something from me. Then after everyone went home I got a message from an old friend to come out with her and her boyfriend. It's been months since I've been out, so I decided to go. Again, talking about H and the same thing happened. They looked at each other like they know something and they don't want to tell me. First they don't believe in a MLC, which is ok. They really don't know my H, so why would any of this be odd to them. Now it has me curious. We all know that a MLCer can get into some really odd situations and to not be surprised at what we hear. I would love to know what it is. Whatever it is its his to deal with, but wouldn't it be interesting to be a fly on the wall?  ;)

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#58: September 10, 2019, 07:06:06 PM
  I'm looking for a little advice. A girlfriend asked me to go to a party with her and my old friends at the end of the month. This is going to be big with live bands, lots of food and its in the country, on land. So my thing is I want to go, but I know H will be there with the wh^re.

  The people that I would like to see I haven't seen in 18 months. I can go and just ignore H and his female pound puppy. I just want to go have a good time to close out the summer. BIL tells me to go. He says its time to take all my power back. I should not let my H, his B, control where I can go.

  Is something like this not a good idea to attend? Should I avoid places that I know H may be at? What do y'all think? I feel I should carry on life as usual and let him worry about his issue and ow.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#59: September 10, 2019, 11:04:16 PM
I think if you feel you can probably cope, you should do.
Have a plan b and a supportive friend in case you find at the time you can't...but yes, not your shame to avoid so put on your party power shoes if you can and go.  ;)
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#60: September 11, 2019, 07:42:08 AM
Stand, do you think you can do this emotionally?  Maybe practice in the mirror--how will you react if you see the two of them together?  It is all about protecting you at this point.  And if you go, hold up your head and look fabulous. 
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#61: September 11, 2019, 08:54:42 AM
Treasur and Maleficent,

  Thank you so much for your words. I know I will be ok seeing them and oh damn straight I will hold my head up high. This party will have a couple hundred people attending, so I won't have to be around them and after the last time I saw H and the way he acted around me and the things he said I'm pretty sure ow's days are numbered. If he and I talk I will be nothing but sweet. Heck, maybe it will give the two of them something to talk about all night.  ;)

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#62: September 11, 2019, 09:00:33 AM
Well, my dear, better make sure you have such a good time that they have plenty to talk about lol
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#63: September 11, 2019, 11:52:55 AM
  Emotionally I don't worry about. Who the ow is to me is like a pimple on my face. Annoying and short lived. Like I said in another post I have my strength back and then some. I truly feel H has started making the turn towards the light and I could feel his attraction towards me. That also gave me strength. The biggest thing is I'm not going to see him. I miss the women that I use to hang around and would love to see them. Me showing up there shows courage and lets people know that I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I won't be the one that will look like a fool. I just want to have some fun.

Stand  ;D
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#64: September 12, 2019, 04:02:48 AM
  Emotionally I don't worry about. Who the ow is to me is like a pimple on my face. Annoying and short lived. Like I said in another post I have my strength back and then some. I truly feel H has started making the turn towards the light and I could feel his attraction towards me. That also gave me strength. The biggest thing is I'm not going to see him. I miss the women that I use to hang around and would love to see them. Me showing up there shows courage and lets people know that I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I won't be the one that will look like a fool. I just want to have some fun.

Stand  ;D



The best revenge is a life well-lived.... and being happy....

Regardless of where the Mid-Lifers head is, permitting them to bask in your glorious presence is the best revenge... They want us to be sitting on the porch in our rocking chair, surrounded my huge heaps of snotty Kleenexes pining away for them and crocheting lace doilies while awaiting their possible return.... Having the LBS walk in and be Rockin' the Casba is NOT part of their preferred story line ....
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#65: September 12, 2019, 05:46:52 AM
Thank you UM,

  The old friends who use to see me as a shy introvert will now see the new improved me, the happy, out going, loving my life woman. I truly can say that I'm loving my journey and I'm living like he is never coming back.

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#66: September 13, 2019, 10:19:09 PM
  ok, so I have a question. Does anyone have any good suggestions on how to overcome procrastination? I always have a whole list of things I want to get done, but then I just don't do them. Is this a form of depression? I use to not be this way, but the past 5 to 10 years I have completely gone down. I think this is a consequence of the actions of living with a chaos kid. I just gave up. Now I'm stuck this way. Ahh, this mirror work... ?
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#67: September 15, 2019, 03:44:10 AM
We all get stuck at times Stand, after what we go through, it's hardly surprising.

Make a new list, a shorter one with the easy to do stuff on top.  If you get a couple of the things done in one day, make a new list the next with the stuff you haven't done and a couple of new ones.  Once you start to cross things off the list you will feel empowered and give yourself a pat on the back.

The next list after that will be easier.  Rome wasn't built in a day ;)
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#68: September 15, 2019, 05:40:45 AM
Well, some advice from the Queen of Avoidance here...

Sometimes little mind tricks can help...say you will do two easy things or set a timer for 45 minutes...often you just need to trick yourself over a kind of procrastination speed bump and once you do, you're fine. Some people find being really structured about their time works although it doesn't for me. Some find doing a thing you're avoiding then rewarding yourself with a thing you want to do can help too.

I have also found that some times of day are more productive for me. And if I have a bad day, to remind myself that I can start afresh tomorrow. It is also helpful to prioritise the 'wolves closest to the sled' as UM calls them and sometimes doing so can show you that your list is too long!

However if it is stickier than that, you might need to have a thinky walk and figure out what the feelings are behind the procrastination. Usually some kind of fear but can have slightly different flavours...self-doubt, anxiety making decisions difficult, fear of failure or being judged, trying to be perfect, not caring about yourself enough. Procrastination is really just a kind of Avoidance and Avoidance is always about trying to stay away from risk or pain....if you can get a sniff at what sits behind it, I've found I can sometimes come up with a scenic route or a more positive motivation.

If it is REALLY sticky and about more than just what you do but more of a kind of dark heavy cloud that seems to affect nearly everything? Including how you feel about yourself? Yup, that it more like depression and needs tackling like that. Basic self care helps. Physical activity like walking helps. Or if those basics don't cut it, some folks find a short period of anti depressants can be helpful. Jmo.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#69: September 15, 2019, 08:18:33 AM
Sf,

  Making a list was a piece of advice my dad gave me. That does help some.

Treasur,

  I am starting to believe that I do have a bit of depression. Not surprising though given the circumstances. Some of the things I have been putting off getting done are my cars. I need to get them inspected and I have a fear of getting rejected. I think I'm worried that there will end up being a large cost and I won't have the money for it. Plan is to get one done tomorrow. I've done the work it needed to pass, so we will see in the morning.

  Another thing that I have been putting off is my house. I need to get over there and get it all packed out and cleaned so it can be rented. If you knew the history of the last 10 years with my H then it would make sense to you. You see H always had a thing about anyone taking control of "HIS" money even if it was to pay the household bills. He had to be the one that did that. Problem was he couldn't manage the bills and we constantly had the power shut off, the water shut off and we had been evicted or foreclosed on 3 times or lived in a motel basically homeless because of this. When I look back and now knowing the signs of MLC I see that he was slowing going into his crisis for the last 10 years. Not sure if they can fight off the crisis, but that is what it seemed like he was doing.

  Losing jobs, not paying bills, changing of the wardrobe, running away from home and returning a few day later, flirting with women and right in front of me and the increase of alcohol consumption. BD ILYBINILWY 3 years ago and then again 18 months ago and he left to live with the ow. I don't look at the timelines of MLC. My H has been all over the place with them. I'm looking at how he has changed. His maturity and his ability to get the things done that he needs to like paying his bills. He is not doing a very good job at all of it yet, but when he came to me with paperwork of modifying the home loan and saving our current house from foreclosure I was impressed. He did this all by himself and all over the phone. This was a big sign of improvement for me. Then him saying that he hopes to come home at some point has really made me see improvements and hugging me 3 times, two of them he initiated. Well then, we have a new ball game.

  So, parts of me has been putting off getting the house prepared for rent due to the feeling of losing another house and going back to the feeling of homelessness, that's the depression, the other part is just pure procrastination. Its a double edge sword.

  On the other hand I will be moving my stuff upstairs to the smaller apartment. I'm actually looking forward to having and decorating my own place. Because of losing so many homes I never decorated or even unpacked all my things at the other homes. Never hung pictures or painted. I'm kind of excited about it. Maybe I should see this apartment as my reward for getting house cleaned out.

  One of the thing H complained about at BD was not being able to do this anymore and he pointed to unpacked boxes. My thought was "its not like you have ever helped unpack" But maybe he couldn't because the stress was to much for him. Both of us stressed, both of us depressed and one of us in MLC. wow, light bulb moment. So H needed me to be his strength, but I couldn't at the time and she (ow) could.

  I need to pull myself together. Find my strength and wake up. One day at a time, One hour at a time and one task at a time. I am...

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#70: September 15, 2019, 09:34:53 AM
Stand,

I am working on my procrastination memories....
Interesting, I’ve have learned something....it can be FOO issues. If you ever had the parent that constantly moved the goal post, especially at the end of the task. If you don’t learn to stop and appreciate and award yourself the accomplishment at the end of the task. If your thought process about the task isn’t how it will bring value to you or your life....

All these things increase procrastination. And figuring out which one hinders us often can stop it.

Anyways...I hope it helps. 😊
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#71: September 15, 2019, 09:44:41 AM
Thanks courage

  I feel as if I'm right on the edge of something from my past that is about to be opened up to me. Mirror work.  I will add your thoughts to my thinking and try and look deeper into this. Something keeps bringing me to my first marriage as well as my current situation. Maybe not feeling appreciated my whole life. I do need to start rewarding myself though.

-Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#72: September 15, 2019, 10:06:06 AM
Stand,

Ohhhhhh I KNOW THAT ONE!

Not good enough.

That’s the one, that’s the thing....the ephemeral unobtainable feeling of accomplishment.....when the things you do don’t get the response you were expecting....BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T DOING IT FOR YOURSELF! 🤦‍♀️

If I do something for myself, even if it is for another person the reward cannot be their response....because I can’t control their response....the reward has to be internal for me.....

I am measuring the worth of my work by the response of others....not how I feel about it.

So then I shame myself....it’s me, I couldn’t make another person respond in the hallmark commercial overflowing appreciation reel that I had imagined in my mind....so I failed.  I shame myself as a failure. I decide that no matter how good the outcome it’s all bad....because I’m measuring with the wrong sort of yardstick.

Yes!

Two minds are definitely better than one for my mirror work! Thank you!!!!
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#73: September 15, 2019, 12:03:01 PM
  So, I've decided that, for now, I'm going to take things real slow. One thing at a time. Not a list of things because that seems to be overwhelming me. A bigger list is causing anxiety and stress.

  In the big picture renting the house is not losing the house and I can always move back in one day or maybe i can just stay in the apartment having the mortgage and the majority of the utilities paid for.

  So for now it's going to be one thing at a time. Let's see how this goes.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#74: September 30, 2019, 11:30:18 PM
It's been a couple weeks since I've posted. Things have been good. Just chugging along getting my life.

  Since last seeing my H things have been somewhat quiet. I have been having the feeling that he has been circling around close by. Not sure, its just a gut feeling. I watch his bill paying activity and have noticed some changes in the positive. House did get paid this month, so that's a plus. Guess it shows me that he is progressing. Not perfect, but its something.

  A week and a half ago my DIL younger sister was killed in a car accident. She was only 28 yrs old and 8 months pregnant at the time. So sad. We are a close family and this hurt all of us. I sent an email to H telling him about this. He treated her like a little sister. Always joking around with her. I heard nothing from him. We celebrated her life on Saturday. It was beautiful. Then today I looked at H fictitious FB page, not sure why, I'm blocked from it and can only see our mutual friends, but I did notice that DIL's sisters widowed H is now friends with my MLCer H. This is very strange. I'm assuming that H wanted to send his condolences. H was never close to this man, I'm not even sure that he ever met him. Maybe H is starting to have his feeling coming back.  :)

  On Sunday I went to a breast cancer fundraiser where I met up with some old friends. We had a great time. After, we all went to that bar that I was asked to not come back to until my marriage was fixed. I didn't expect the owner to be working, but there she was. I also ran into my old girlfriend who hasn't been allowed to talk to me. She responded to me by running over and giving me a big hug, then proceeded to tell a few of the young girls sitting by her, who's H are in the club, just who I was and who my H is. The looks on the faces was priceless. One of them had to pick up her jaw. Guess they have a whole new understanding of that fake relationship that they see every weekend. I decided to approach the owner and ask if I was allowed to come back in and she said yes, of course you can. This gal is the one who came to me in the beginning and asked if my H was having a MLC. At the time I didn't even know what a MLC was. I looked at all this as me taking some more of my power back. Gaining strength day by day.

  While i was at that bar that night I met and started talking to a man. We had great conversation, but I knew that I wasn't ready. I need to be stronger. Explaining this to him was not hard. I am a stander through and through. It not just about standing for my marriage at this point, it also and more about standing for me and my journey. I won't give this up for anyone. Not even my H. There will always be those temptations that try and throw you off your path, but for me, my mind is focused on my journey.

  Tonight I joined weight watchers and this weeks focus is eating healthy, getting more exercise in and joining the VFW. I also got hired by new clients for a house cleaning job. Things are looking good.

  Before I close, ol girlfriend told me that last Thursday night H club had a function and my H came alone. ow was nowhere in sight. She said this was a first. I feel the changing in the seasons.    (no expectations)

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#75: September 30, 2019, 11:49:05 PM
Expectations really are killers in this MLC mess Stand Tall, I had expectations of my xH at the six  month mark, now it's been SIX years!!  No expectations is best ;)

Keep going out and living your best life and allow him to get on with his crisis.  The stronger you are, the more attractive to an MLCer as they are weak.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#76: October 14, 2019, 11:56:05 AM
Hi all,

  Need some advice please.

  If you've read my story you know that H and I have decided to rent out one side of our house and I will stay in the smaller apartment. Thing is I haven't removed all the things that I want from the house yet because it is a bit hard. I feel like its the end of our chapter. H has got to the point where he just wants it rented and has told me that he will be changing the locks so I have a few day to get this all done. I'm ok with this part.

I'm not ok with him doing this on his own without a property manager or me being allowed to have a say on the renters. He says the new renters are people that he knows. This is what scares me. In the past he has done things like this. Trusting in people to take care of stuff for him and has had very expensive business equipment stolen putting us out of business. I don't trust my H ability of choosing sound people to trust. My S is a property manager and I hear the horror stories all the time.

  Today I feel that I need to seek the advice of a lawyer. I want a property manager on this house that can protect us if things go bad. This house was built in 1939 and has all it original hardwood floors. I also don't want someone smoking in the house.

  I received a long email from him today telling me that I have a few day to get the stuff out. What is making me most mad is I know that he didn't write this letter. H can't spell or punctuate properly. So, ow is probably behind all of this.

  Should I just let this go and let him rent it out or see a lawyer to find out what is best? If I see a lawyer I will also ask about spousal support. This will make monster come out, but I really don't care anymore. I have tried so hard to stay out of courts with this.

Thanks
Stand

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#77: October 14, 2019, 03:26:01 PM
I think I would see the lawyer.

If he has a history of picking bad people, well I would guess you wouldn't like who he is going to pick.

Trust your gut.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#78: October 15, 2019, 01:43:14 AM
Stand, if you have a legal claim to the house, absolutely contact your attorney.  Not only does it show you doing everything on the level, but it's been my experience that my MLC'er was always ready to cooperate when the law was "coming after him" and not the horrible xw that caused all his problems
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#79: October 15, 2019, 03:03:48 AM
Stand,

If you have legal or financial obligations or ties to the house, absolutely contact your attorney ASAP.

Firstly, if you are listed as an owner, the rental agreement/contract may require your signature as well as H's, depending on the state in which you live. Secondly, there needs to be an agreement between the two of you that stipulates how the property is to be manged and by whom, to what the rental proceeds will be applied (so H doesn't just take the money and run), how much will be set aside for maintenance and repairs, etc.
Finally, you need to have something in hand that either absolves / indemnifies you of legal liability for the rented side of the house....

Knowing the owner is "next door" tends to make renters wary of destroying things but it also makes it easier to knock on the door when a light bulb goes out...
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#80: October 15, 2019, 03:32:03 AM
Yup, lawyer up.
On a practical level is the house is partly or wholly owned by you, you have both legal rights and obligations. Your h's opinion of that does not change the legal reality. And on a practical level, as you will be the person living on site, you will also be the person dealing with any hoo ha.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#81: October 15, 2019, 06:18:16 AM
Treasur, UM, Morts, BB,

  This is what I love about this forum. It's like having extra brain matter for thinking with. You all hit on points that I didn't think about. I think being solely in control of the rental money might be to tempting for my spend happy mlc to have. Time to take more of my power back.

Thank you guys.
~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#82: October 15, 2019, 08:08:39 AM
And as co owner, you should sign the rental contract too right? Precedent etc...
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#83: October 15, 2019, 09:52:41 AM
Treasur,

  I do want to have a say in who will occupy my house, but I don't want to be responsible for any upkeep or repairs. I will not benefit in the rent money as that will all go to the mortgage.  My payoff is I have an apartment for free and will only give tenant a portion of utilities.

  There are just so many legal things that can get us in trouble. At this point I don't even know if he will be signing a lease with the tenant because "they are friends". H has no clue what the laws are with tenants. He may end up with a squatter who destroys everything inside the house. Smh
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#84: October 15, 2019, 10:26:27 AM
So you need to CYA.... :)
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#85: October 15, 2019, 10:41:20 AM
Yes, that's what I need. I want both of our a$$es covered. One day he will thank me. I don't feel a domestic lawyer would be what I need. Do you think it would be a real estate attorney? Maybe I can word things right in an email to scare him enough to realize the importance of a licensed property manager.

Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#86: October 15, 2019, 10:51:21 AM
Not sure, different country....if you have a family lawyer is it worth running past him/her?
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#87: November 04, 2019, 08:14:35 PM
Hi everyone,

  Been a few weeks since I've posted. Nothing much has been going on. Well, last Saturday I was invited to go to a fundraiser that H motorcycle club was co-hosting and I decided to go. I told nobody in my friend circle because I didn't want anyone to tell H. So I get there and walk in the front door. I wasn't sure I was going to be let in. Guess who is at the door selling tickets to get in? Yup, Hubby. He jumped a bit seeing me and it seemed like he was going to reach out and hug me. Not sure why, but at moment I felt like I needed to treat him like a person I never met. I bought my ticket and went inside never said Hi or anything else to him.

  I went looking for my GF's and when I spotted one of them she screamed and ran to me hugging and kissing me. Yup, right in H vision. Then another girl grabbed me and gave me a big hug. We went and sat outside on the patio. H kept circling around just out of reach. He definitely watched everything I did.

  At one point I was out on the patio sitting by myself. H stood 10 ft from me. 2 of my GF were heading out and said to me that they were heading over to the bar we were all going to. I said ok, I'll see you there. This was the bar that I was asked to not come to anymore because H was such a child and had me cut off from the place my GF's and I hung out. Well, two weeks ago I was told that I could come back in.  ;) So, there I sat with H 10 ft away. I felt like he was going to say something to me. I pulled out my phone and started texting and giggling a bit. I was texting H brother, my best friend. Thought I would make him a bit jealous. I gave him time to speak to me, but when he didn't I got up and went inside. Soon after that I left heading to my next destination.

  The biggest thing that I noticed was ow was not there. This has happened a few times now.  :) Wonder whats up with that. I would have never not come out with my H. I was so looking forward to walking in there and having my old GF's around me like old times and having that wh*!r watch the whole thing.

  Back in June when my H came to see me I noticed that he was pretty cleaned up. Hair brushed and goatee trimmed nice and clean looking clothes on. I thought that the ow might just be good for him, but seeing him on Saturday told a whole different story. Old jeans (like 10 years old), worn out boots, hair looked like it hadn't seen a brush in weeks, goatee rattie looking and not trimmed. He is still a mess. Who know maybe ow is getting tired of this. This was the exact reason I pushed him at her full time. I now wonder if he cleaned himself up back in June to come and see me. I think he is ready to come home but hasn't build up the strength just yet. We will see what the future holds.

  It was pretty easy acting like I didn't know the man (H). I am detached now and doing my thing. I am now 60 lbs lighter then I was at BD and still losing. Taking care of me has been a fun journey and gets better all the time. I got this.  ;D

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#88: November 04, 2019, 11:21:02 PM
Stand, that was a big night of taking back your own space. Well done.
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#89: November 05, 2019, 01:38:04 AM
A picture is worth 1000 words

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Re: They just don't understand 3
#90: November 06, 2019, 12:13:15 AM
Glad you has such a great time Stand.  Pity your H was such a coward, the conversation could have been interesting ;)
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#91: November 23, 2019, 05:23:48 PM
Hi Everyone,

  How has everyone been doing? Hopefully all is good. I've been doing pretty good. Just taking care of me.

  I was introduced to a few new things the past few days and I thought I would bring them here to get some opinions on the subjects. One of them is called Limerence. I guess this makes a lot of sense. What do you all think of this? The second thing was Marriage Helpers thing called P.I.E.S. If you haven't heard of it it does seem like a pretty good program and has a very affordable price. You use it to assess your life and how you are doing in it. It seems to help with working on yourself to help you make yourself more attractable. It also seems to help you be more accountable with your life. It's suppose to be a way to help win your spouse back, but really I think its just a way to be your best you regardless of winning them back.

  Anyway, I just wanted to touch base with everyone and also to see what you all think of these things.

~Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#92: January 21, 2020, 07:20:26 PM
Something new to write about.

  2019 was a pretty quiet year for me. The only real interaction with my MLC was back at the beginning of the year when I met with him to sign a document for him to access some of his retirement to save our home from foreclosure. Then again in August I met with his to sign a document approving his renegotiation of the house mortgage. That was a very good meetup with him telling me that he hopes to come home one day. He also initiated hugs from me at that time. Throughout the year I thought that he may have had an awakening due to him showing some signs of taking responsibly. 

  I heard nothing from him until December. The bar that I hang out at had their christmas party. This was the same bar that I was asked to stay away from until my marriage was fixed. I was granted permission to come back. So, there I was sitting at the back end of the bar and in walks H and ow. First time seeing her. I was not sure I saw her right so in order to get a better look I had to walk past them to go to the bathroom.

  Sure enough, my eyes saw right. She is hideous. I'm not trying to be mean, but this woman is suppose to be 5 years younger then me, but she looked 65 and sloppy as all get out. I just walked past almost skipping with a big smile on my face, it was all I could do to not laugh, thinking the words affair down is nice compared to what I was looking at. All went well and they left after about an hour.

  A week goes by and I'm heading back out to the same bar. H's motorcycle club is having a toy drive for christmas. The drive started at 8 am and I didn't get to the bar till 4:30 pm. I figured they would all be done by that time. They were still there. I went around and said my hellos and went and sat at the other end of the bar to stay out of their business. H came in and went right over to her. She was just talking his ear off and didn't look very happy. Then she laid a big, long kiss on him. I guess marking her territory. After he left her he stood at my side of the bar with his friends. She was up, running around and saying things to every person that I talked to. Trying to get them all over to her side of the bar. Very childish. After about an hour of this they left.

  On christmas day I was with my son and family. In the early afternoon I checked my email and saw that H had sent me a Christmas greeting. He started the email with Dear Stand. I hadn't seen a term of endearment in well over a year. It was nice, so I sent back just a simple Merry Christmas greeting. It was kinda nice.

  New Years eve came and went. I was out with my friends. I checked my email again and there was another Dear Stand greeting. I thought how funny. Didn't really hear from him all year and now I get two a week apart. Strange.

  So I haven't been over to my house since August or Sept thinking that H was going to rent it out. He says he just can't afford it anymore. Makes no sense to me, but what does in a MLC. I also noticed through his old email that he is back to donating Plasma for money. Anyway, I went to the house yesterday so I could show the house to a potential renter when I discovered that the old couch that was still in the house had been made up into a bed and a coffee can on the floor had cigarette butts in it. Same brand as H. This couch is nasty. It was used for a dog couch. Not usable for humans. The has has power but no running water or heat. Its like H is squatting there. He wasn't there at the time and I don't know how long it had been since he was there. I've been told that he is in depression stage. Out of the tunnel.

  I don't really know what I'm suppose to do at this time. I figure I will just continue GAL for me and let him have his alone time. Or I could reach out with a question that has nothing to do with anything about the house. Any ideas?

Stand

 
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#93: January 23, 2020, 06:15:42 AM
So, what does rock bottom look like and can it go on for years or is it months. Is bouncing him going back to her and the relationship slowly breaking down?

Stand
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Re: They just don't understand 3
#94: January 23, 2020, 08:57:02 PM
We learn so much of what to do and what to expect until they reach rock bottom. We are then on our own.

Stand
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