Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand 3  (Read 1321 times)

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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My Story Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2019, 07:32:07 PM »
Thank you Mego and NRM,

  You guys are right. I guess in a way I wanted to see if he was receptive of my email. I know it's best to just let him be. I mean, I went through surgery a month ago and never told him, so whats a little car work. Plus me making the decision will help with my self esteem and give me strength.

  Hi Megogirl,
 
  How are you doing? I was following along on your page a few weeks back. I've kept you in my prayers since then. I hope you are in a better place now. Take care

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2019, 07:35:57 PM »
You misunderstood my response. I meant why do you need the forum's advice on whether to contact him or not?
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2019, 07:46:13 PM »
When I need something done and need his help I ask.  But only if it pertains to h.  Usually seldom, and involving kids.  I asked him to set up Microsoft, security, and child safety on some new laptops at the beginning of the summer.  I now know not to bother asking.  He was grumpy, and just now getting done.  The kids need them Monday for school.

So, it depends on where yours is.  Mine is no longer helpful.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2019, 09:03:12 PM »
NRM,

  I was asking the forum about contact in general. I've read about so many different rights and wrongs in making contact. I've been following shocks sis and have been reading denjef31old posts and I just don't want to make the wrong decisions. If it would upset a mlcer to have a spouse contact then I won't do it. Talking about the car has been a subject that we have shared throughout this crisis. He seems to take pleasure in telling me what to do with repairs. Its seems to make him happy that I have been learning to work on the car. That's all.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2019, 09:18:45 PM »
If you are reading threads that are making you fearful to that extent that you are worried about whether asking for help from your H or anyone else with a car problem is "right" or "wrong" then I would say the first thing to do is to stop reading those threads because they don't know your H at all. No one is better equipped to make that decision than you, and if reading posts on here is making you doubt your own judgment about how to deal with YOUR OWN husband then really that becomes a bigger problem then whether to ask him or not. This forum has no fortune tellers or mind readers who have a special formula that if you follow it, you will get exactly what you expect you will get. In the worst of his MLC, there were times when trying to do something on my own pissed my H off, and there were times when asking him for help pissed him off. There were times when he was responsive, and times when he wasn't. It's a crap shoot.

Anyone who convinces you that there is a right and a wrong in a matter like this is selling snake oil. Do what you think will help you to get your car fixed in the fastest, most inexpensive and stress free fashion. Because no one, not even you entirely, can predict for you what your H is going to do and how he is going to react.

Don't overwhelm yourself by being conned into making this a more important decision than it needs to be. It's only about fixing your car, it's not about fixing your marriage.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2019, 09:25:33 PM by Not Your Monkey »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2019, 06:31:00 AM »
Well..

There is a delicate dance between becoming self reliant and asking your MLCer for help.

Personally I have no problem asking my MLCer to do things that maybe 'used to be his job' that I am not so good at. Sometimes he will volunteer to do these things without me even asking. He will actually get upset if I say I will 'get a guy out to fix ___'. He always feels he needs to have first shot and sorting it out. ::)

Now don't get me wrong, the guy won't pick up shopping...or get the kids school clothes....or you know...day to day tasks.

But power washing the driveway? Sure.... Going up in the attic? No problem..... Building anything with a power drill? Absolutely.

I will stress though...it has to seem like it was HIS idea. If I said ''Beast will you fix the radiator'' it will be a death stare, or a moaning ''I don't have time'' conversation. But if  I offhandedly mention I need to get a guy out to fix my leaking radiator...''No no, let me have a look''.  ;)

This of course is taken at 2 years post BD so... make of that what you will.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2019, 02:26:10 PM »
NYM AND Morts,

  Well, I took y'alls advice and I went ahead and emailed my H about the work I'm having done on the car. My real question was about an LBS making contact in general. I read that we should only contact them for kid stuff or court stuff, but for stuff that we can handle on our own that we should just leave them be.

  Mortsbride I went off of your advice with car stuff use to be his job. This was true for us. My H is a mechanic by trade so he always did the mechanical work on our cars.

When I sent the email I worded it as if I was looking for his input as to who I should take the car to.

  Two things, he will either tell me where I should take it or maybe he will volunteer to do the work himself.  I figured this will give him the option if he is in a giving kind of mood.

  Keeping my fingers crossed that he want to do the work which will save me hundreds of dollars.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2019, 10:22:52 AM »
Hi all,

  Well, I heard back from H this morning. He did give me good advice on my car repair needs. Which was nice of him.

  Now for the big stuff. In telling me about himself and how he is doing, he said to me "I'm doing ok I think. I'm still dealing with my own health issues, it is what it is." This man has claimed to be sick since about a week before BD 17 months ago. I have always looked at it like this is his way of telling about his depression (mlc), but not knowing what is wrong with him. One day he will open his eyes to Gods message.

  He is asking me to meet up with him to sign a paper from the mortgage company acknowledging that I have seen the paperwork of him modifying the mortgage loan that I am not on. My DIL is a broker and talked to loan specialist about this and they tell me that I would not be required to sign anything since my name is not on the loan. I will meet up with him though. It would be nice to see him.

  He has also told me that he has rented the whole house out as of October 1st. Our house is a duplex and I have plans to rent out the downstairs and live in the upstairs. This is something that he agreed to and I have it in writing from him. This plan would free him up of all mortgage payments for the time it is rented. His plan does not work for me and I told him this. So he is either telling me this to get me moving along with the renting or we are now at a crossroad in this crisis and problems are about to start. Either way we do need to sit down and make an agreement that we both agree to and get that in writing and signed by both of us.

Another Day in the Life of a MLC'er  ? :o

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2019, 01:03:11 PM »
I hope the meeting goes well and he doesn't cause you any issues with the house situation. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2019, 08:10:59 PM »
Thanks Mortsbride,
 
  I'm not worried about this. This same thing was presented to me about 6 weeks ago. Nothing came of it. It just makes it hard to know if he is just all words or if this is real. I would like to sit down and come to an agreement about the house and renting it out. Maybe write up an agreement that we are both happy with, but that would be the normal thing to do. I really am just not going to jump back on that roller coaster.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

 

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