Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand 3  (Read 1324 times)

Offline Maleficent

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My Story Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #60 on: September 11, 2019, 07:42:08 AM »
Stand, do you think you can do this emotionally?  Maybe practice in the mirror--how will you react if you see the two of them together?  It is all about protecting you at this point.  And if you go, hold up your head and look fabulous. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #61 on: September 11, 2019, 08:54:42 AM »
Treasur and Maleficent,

  Thank you so much for your words. I know I will be ok seeing them and oh damn straight I will hold my head up high. This party will have a couple hundred people attending, so I won't have to be around them and after the last time I saw H and the way he acted around me and the things he said I'm pretty sure ow's days are numbered. If he and I talk I will be nothing but sweet. Heck, maybe it will give the two of them something to talk about all night.  ;)

Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #62 on: September 11, 2019, 09:00:33 AM »
Well, my dear, better make sure you have such a good time that they have plenty to talk about lol
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #63 on: September 11, 2019, 11:52:55 AM »
  Emotionally I don't worry about. Who the ow is to me is like a pimple on my face. Annoying and short lived. Like I said in another post I have my strength back and then some. I truly feel H has started making the turn towards the light and I could feel his attraction towards me. That also gave me strength. The biggest thing is I'm not going to see him. I miss the women that I use to hang around and would love to see them. Me showing up there shows courage and lets people know that I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I won't be the one that will look like a fool. I just want to have some fun.

Stand  ;D
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #64 on: September 12, 2019, 04:02:48 AM »
  Emotionally I don't worry about. Who the ow is to me is like a pimple on my face. Annoying and short lived. Like I said in another post I have my strength back and then some. I truly feel H has started making the turn towards the light and I could feel his attraction towards me. That also gave me strength. The biggest thing is I'm not going to see him. I miss the women that I use to hang around and would love to see them. Me showing up there shows courage and lets people know that I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I won't be the one that will look like a fool. I just want to have some fun.

Stand  ;D



The best revenge is a life well-lived.... and being happy....

Regardless of where the Mid-Lifers head is, permitting them to bask in your glorious presence is the best revenge... They want us to be sitting on the porch in our rocking chair, surrounded my huge heaps of snotty Kleenexes pining away for them and crocheting lace doilies while awaiting their possible return.... Having the LBS walk in and be Rockin' the Casba is NOT part of their preferred story line ....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #65 on: September 12, 2019, 05:46:52 AM »
Thank you UM,

  The old friends who use to see me as a shy introvert will now see the new improved me, the happy, out going, loving my life woman. I truly can say that I'm loving my journey and I'm living like he is never coming back.

Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #66 on: September 13, 2019, 10:19:09 PM »
  ok, so I have a question. Does anyone have any good suggestions on how to overcome procrastination? I always have a whole list of things I want to get done, but then I just don't do them. Is this a form of depression? I use to not be this way, but the past 5 to 10 years I have completely gone down. I think this is a consequence of the actions of living with a chaos kid. I just gave up. Now I'm stuck this way. Ahh, this mirror work... ?
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #67 on: September 15, 2019, 03:44:10 AM »
We all get stuck at times Stand, after what we go through, it's hardly surprising.

Make a new list, a shorter one with the easy to do stuff on top.  If you get a couple of the things done in one day, make a new list the next with the stuff you haven't done and a couple of new ones.  Once you start to cross things off the list you will feel empowered and give yourself a pat on the back.

The next list after that will be easier.  Rome wasn't built in a day ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #68 on: September 15, 2019, 05:40:45 AM »
Well, some advice from the Queen of Avoidance here...

Sometimes little mind tricks can help...say you will do two easy things or set a timer for 45 minutes...often you just need to trick yourself over a kind of procrastination speed bump and once you do, you're fine. Some people find being really structured about their time works although it doesn't for me. Some find doing a thing you're avoiding then rewarding yourself with a thing you want to do can help too.

I have also found that some times of day are more productive for me. And if I have a bad day, to remind myself that I can start afresh tomorrow. It is also helpful to prioritise the 'wolves closest to the sled' as UM calls them and sometimes doing so can show you that your list is too long!

However if it is stickier than that, you might need to have a thinky walk and figure out what the feelings are behind the procrastination. Usually some kind of fear but can have slightly different flavours...self-doubt, anxiety making decisions difficult, fear of failure or being judged, trying to be perfect, not caring about yourself enough. Procrastination is really just a kind of Avoidance and Avoidance is always about trying to stay away from risk or pain....if you can get a sniff at what sits behind it, I've found I can sometimes come up with a scenic route or a more positive motivation.

If it is REALLY sticky and about more than just what you do but more of a kind of dark heavy cloud that seems to affect nearly everything? Including how you feel about yourself? Yup, that it more like depression and needs tackling like that. Basic self care helps. Physical activity like walking helps. Or if those basics don't cut it, some folks find a short period of anti depressants can be helpful. Jmo.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2019, 05:43:54 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand 3
« Reply #69 on: September 15, 2019, 08:18:33 AM »
Sf,

  Making a list was a piece of advice my dad gave me. That does help some.

Treasur,

  I am starting to believe that I do have a bit of depression. Not surprising though given the circumstances. Some of the things I have been putting off getting done are my cars. I need to get them inspected and I have a fear of getting rejected. I think I'm worried that there will end up being a large cost and I won't have the money for it. Plan is to get one done tomorrow. I've done the work it needed to pass, so we will see in the morning.

  Another thing that I have been putting off is my house. I need to get over there and get it all packed out and cleaned so it can be rented. If you knew the history of the last 10 years with my H then it would make sense to you. You see H always had a thing about anyone taking control of "HIS" money even if it was to pay the household bills. He had to be the one that did that. Problem was he couldn't manage the bills and we constantly had the power shut off, the water shut off and we had been evicted or foreclosed on 3 times or lived in a motel basically homeless because of this. When I look back and now knowing the signs of MLC I see that he was slowing going into his crisis for the last 10 years. Not sure if they can fight off the crisis, but that is what it seemed like he was doing.

  Losing jobs, not paying bills, changing of the wardrobe, running away from home and returning a few day later, flirting with women and right in front of me and the increase of alcohol consumption. BD ILYBINILWY 3 years ago and then again 18 months ago and he left to live with the ow. I don't look at the timelines of MLC. My H has been all over the place with them. I'm looking at how he has changed. His maturity and his ability to get the things done that he needs to like paying his bills. He is not doing a very good job at all of it yet, but when he came to me with paperwork of modifying the home loan and saving our current house from foreclosure I was impressed. He did this all by himself and all over the phone. This was a big sign of improvement for me. Then him saying that he hopes to come home at some point has really made me see improvements and hugging me 3 times, two of them he initiated. Well then, we have a new ball game.

  So, parts of me has been putting off getting the house prepared for rent due to the feeling of losing another house and going back to the feeling of homelessness, that's the depression, the other part is just pure procrastination. Its a double edge sword.

  On the other hand I will be moving my stuff upstairs to the smaller apartment. I'm actually looking forward to having and decorating my own place. Because of losing so many homes I never decorated or even unpacked all my things at the other homes. Never hung pictures or painted. I'm kind of excited about it. Maybe I should see this apartment as my reward for getting house cleaned out.

  One of the thing H complained about at BD was not being able to do this anymore and he pointed to unpacked boxes. My thought was "its not like you have ever helped unpack" But maybe he couldn't because the stress was to much for him. Both of us stressed, both of us depressed and one of us in MLC. wow, light bulb moment. So H needed me to be his strength, but I couldn't at the time and she (ow) could.

  I need to pull myself together. Find my strength and wake up. One day at a time, One hour at a time and one task at a time. I am...

~Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

 

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