Author Topic: My Story Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months  (Read 2021 times)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« on: July 29, 2019, 12:08:27 PM »
Old thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=profile;area=showposts;u=7641

Starting a new thread today.  Today marks 21 mos since BD.  Never ever thought I would see this....never thought I could live through those early days.  I did.  I am not only living but thriving.  I make the best out of any situation that comes my way.  I will be the first to admit, time went by so much faster than I ever dreamed it would.  Nearing two years since BD in the fall.  Wow!

My signature pretty much has my time line so I am not going to bore you with it again.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Today is the first time since April of 2018 that my buttons are pushed to the point of needed help and advice.

I am sitting and doing nothing right now pending responses...but I am irritated beyond all belief.

Sitch:

My H has volunteered to let my dogs out.  All I have asked is if he isn't available to let me know before 7 am.  I can make other arrangements.

Today my security system goes off.  I check to see what is going on....Colorado is letting my dogs out.  No sign of H anywhere.   If it was only this simple....it would be no big deal.  There is more do it.

This weekend was our 35th class reunion.  So friends of old are in town.  Saturday AM, H comes to the house to visit the grandkids.  No biggie.  Mows my grass.  No biggie.  Tell me Colorado is going to stop by to see the grandkids too.  No biggie.  I know Colorado to and I know the relationship with her and H.  Bro-sis going back to Elementary school.  Colorado is actually staying with H at sis's house.

Sitting there  a car I don't recognize pulls into the driveway.  H gets excited and says...they are here! 
Me:  They who?
H:  Colorado and G.
Me:  G?  She is in town?  Here and Colorado are friends? (Keep in mind that G never attended a reunion before)
H:  I guess so.   BS Barometer is getting ready to blow.
Me:  I go and greet and welcome them both to my home.  I am hospitable.

After they leave:

Me:  that was nice they stopped by
H:  Yeah.   I don't remember Greta from school. (ok?)
Me:  I think she was a cheerleader like Colorado.  (I actually know this to be true)
H:  No she played hockey.
Me:  She def did not play hockey.  You have her confused with someone else.  I played hockey and she was never on any of my teams.  I still think Cheerleader.
H:  Maybe.  I gotta get going.  I'll be by tomorrow at 830 to pick up the mower.  I guess you will already be at church. 
Me:  Not tomorrow.  I go in later. 
H:  Ok...guess I'll see you then.

(Guess who didn't show on Sunday until after I had left for the day....haha)

I held my cool and treated both as the guests that they were.

Here is some background - G popped up on FB about 6 mos ago and befriended me.  About the same time, she and H started talking on the phone now and then.  The last time I looked at the phone logs, they were talking more recently.  If you looked at her FB page....she has the "LOOK" of an MLCer.   I have kept this close to me but I pegged her as OW 2.   Even if it was not a PA....the calls reflected more than the occassional acquaintance talking.  More frequently and longer periods of time.  H would even hang up on OW 1 to take a call from OW2.    I tried to let all this go.  After all....H is in replay.

I know H knew she was coming and he took the chicken way out and didn't tell me until she was there in my driveway.  I know this because Colorado called when she was on her way.    I quietly observed.  They had no signs of two people in love.  No sideward glances.  No obvious signs of two people having an affair while I was sitting and watching.  My D was also there and told me later that she didn't observe anything so she thinks that they are just friends who belly ache to each other on the phone.

Later that night I showed up at the class reunion unannounced.  H asked me to text him...I didn't...wasn't giving him the notice.  When I got there....they were not together.  She was off with another gal and H was sitting with a large group chatting.  As I sat with others observing....I didn't see either one of them have any signs of a relationship.   So I said...maybe they are just buddies yacking to pass some MLC time and tell each other how awlful the LBS's are. 

So right now I am monkey braining.  Of course I go to the worst....he is off with her.  OW 2 has become a PA.   I don't know this.  I can't assume anything.  It doesn't matter who or what he is doing.  I believe I should have been notified that he asked Colorado to let my dogs out.  This is my home.

I firmly believe that a boundary is needed but I really need to calm down first.  I want to send H a text and tell him we need to talk.  I want to tell him he is a low life p.o.s .  That is what I want to do not what I will do.

So boundaries are new to me.  I have not been placed in a position where I needed boundaries.  So if it is determined that a boundary is how this should be handled...I want to make sure I phrase it properly to H.

Here are my thoughts:

1.  Tell him I appreciate he was looking out for the dogs by sending Colorado.
2.  Remind him that it is no longer his HOME...it is my HOME and I have a right to know who is coming and going.
3.  In the future, if the need arises to send someone else, he should first contact me and confirm that I am in agreement.

My boundary is that he can not give permission to anyone outside of family to enter my home without consulting me.

Should this occur again, I will change the lock code and to enter, I will have to be contacted. 

Thoughts....I really welcome any and all feedback.   

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rose - Not ignoring your last comment on the previous thread.  I'll get to you soon.   

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Music45

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2019, 01:30:20 PM »
Attaching to your new thread, Sam. What stupid behaviour from your H. What a mixed up mess he is.
Your boundaries sound ok to me and 100% reasonable but this is MLC so what your H makes of them is another thing.
So some things I'd be thinking about: are you ok if he takes the huff and says he wont come around anymore if that's how you feel? Do you need him at all or could you cope?
You do right to wait until you have your thought ducks in a row.
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2019, 01:36:15 PM »
ABSOLUTELY on the Boundary. Having someone else in your house is an absolute No-Go.  Just something to keep in mind is that I assume that CO now has the Lock Code which H had to have given it to her... You'll need to change it soon anyway....

As for the rest, yeah, it was a cowards way out regarding G.... Regardless of what their R is, it was pretty chicken-$#!t
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2019, 02:49:17 PM »
Following along Sam. 
I won't comment about the hoochie G, no need too.  Don't waste your time thinking too much about that.
The boundary is perfect. I mean its a tiny one, surely he can do that. If not , lock him out too. It is your house. 

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2019, 05:14:54 PM »
Music-  ty for following and giving me some things to think about

Should h get huffy or distant because of a boundary it will only serve to continuously prove how bad his replay is. I cant make this decision on how he is gonna react. I prefer him to be mad at me rather than me be angry for him failing to respect me.

Thank you so much for your input
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2019, 06:35:25 PM »
UM. Thank you! 

As for the code...she doesnt have it. I dont lock my door unless i wont be home until late.

Besides the cameras, I have three dogs...let them greet an unsuspecting person at the door. Haha.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2019, 06:37:19 PM »
Helping...thanks for following. I appreciate your feed back on the boundary too. It is my home and I deserve to have a say in who comes and goes. Ty
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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  • Posts: 1563
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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2019, 07:11:52 PM »
Boundary Update: 

I sent H a texting telling him I needed to talk to him. When could we meet?

He called later and wanted to know what was wrong. I told him something upset me. I wasnt going to bottle it up. I wanted to talk to him about it.

He said he just got back from a ride and would come over asap.

When he got here, he was hesitant to come in the house. Stood on the steps. Told him to come in. He fussed around the kitchen a bit then finally stopped and said what is up.

I told him my home is my sanctuary and I dont feel comfortable when he allows someone else to come in without advising me and giving me a say. He looked at me ... said your right...looked away and said Sorry.  Then told me that she was in the area and he asked her to do it as a favor for him and she agreed. I told him I trust Colorado but in the future he needs to notify me if it is anyone but his sis. He agreed.


Sorry but that was too easy and he was too willing. Felt so much like bd. He wouldnt sit. He was nervous like he expected something else. He relaxed afterward but he had my senses on alert. Was he afraid I was gonna bring up G?  Who knows. I knew i had the upper hand.

Then we talked about S and how I was gonna start sending some money to help with expenses. He said for me not to do it. He said he would send twice the amount each month than what i offered and he could tell s it was from me.  Said as long as he is working at his current job he can afford to send him more.   At bd he quit sending son money for a period of time because son didnt need his help and people were taking advantage of him financially   Big change there. He didnt start sending money until oct. almost a full yesr of not helping son.

Then he talked about selling his bike again and either buying a bigger one or a jeep.   He didnt know what to do. I asked if i could give him a piece of advise. He said yes.  I said if you are not  100 percent sure then do nothing until you are. He said yeah ur probably right     He talked about paying off the bike and the truck. That is important to him. Then he said see you at the gym and left.

After leaving he called to tell me he couldnt put the dogs out tomorrow. Then he could. Then he wasnt sure. Then he was sure he could work it out and if he was a lil late picking up sis she could wait on him a few mins. So now he is coming by tomorrow.

Fast forward to the end of the night when we are leaving the gym... he calls me to tell me I have a headlight out. Ugh..  thank you. Ill get it to the garage this weekend. He says will you be home tomorrow night. I said nope. I have dinner plans wont be home u til seven or later. He says he wouldnt be back until 730 so he would stop by and he is pretty sure he has a spare bulb in his truck. Then he told me his truck had to go to the shop on Thursday. I said to him. Your sis will be around to take you right. He said. Yeah it wouldnt work out for you to take me. I said. It is best for sis to do it.

I always hate it when he gets nice and giving. With mean monster you have a better idea where you stand. With charming monster he can be more devious and then BAm you get hit hetween the eyes with more bad new. At both bd and his move out of state he got really nice and really giving before he told me that he was in luv with ow1 and just had to be with her.  Puts my senses on alert now. It could be guilt over hanging with G or it could be just plain old guilt. Time will tell.  He still needs lots of it.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2019, 01:10:56 AM »


Boy is slower than a 10-year itch....  ::)
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2019, 04:14:29 AM »
Sam

Welcome to your new thread. Sorry it’s starting off in this uncertain way. I know how that feels and after so long it’s just dull isn’t it.

I love how you took action and said how you felt about him letting someone else in. Maybe he is being nice as feels bad about that?

I hope G isnt OW2. Glad you went to the reunion unannounced, it’s good though if you didn’t ‘feel’ they were together. I have had similar worries this year and my head has thought one thing but it hasn’t ‘felt’ like my head was right and so far my feeling has proven to be true. It’s tiring and boring though living this way for so long, glad you are staying fabulous

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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