Author Topic: My Story Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months  (Read 2018 times)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« on: July 29, 2019, 12:08:27 PM »
Old thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=profile;area=showposts;u=7641

Starting a new thread today.  Today marks 21 mos since BD.  Never ever thought I would see this....never thought I could live through those early days.  I did.  I am not only living but thriving.  I make the best out of any situation that comes my way.  I will be the first to admit, time went by so much faster than I ever dreamed it would.  Nearing two years since BD in the fall.  Wow!

My signature pretty much has my time line so I am not going to bore you with it again.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Today is the first time since April of 2018 that my buttons are pushed to the point of needed help and advice.

I am sitting and doing nothing right now pending responses...but I am irritated beyond all belief.

Sitch:

My H has volunteered to let my dogs out.  All I have asked is if he isn't available to let me know before 7 am.  I can make other arrangements.

Today my security system goes off.  I check to see what is going on....Colorado is letting my dogs out.  No sign of H anywhere.   If it was only this simple....it would be no big deal.  There is more do it.

This weekend was our 35th class reunion.  So friends of old are in town.  Saturday AM, H comes to the house to visit the grandkids.  No biggie.  Mows my grass.  No biggie.  Tell me Colorado is going to stop by to see the grandkids too.  No biggie.  I know Colorado to and I know the relationship with her and H.  Bro-sis going back to Elementary school.  Colorado is actually staying with H at sis's house.

Sitting there  a car I don't recognize pulls into the driveway.  H gets excited and says...they are here! 
Me:  They who?
H:  Colorado and G.
Me:  G?  She is in town?  Here and Colorado are friends? (Keep in mind that G never attended a reunion before)
H:  I guess so.   BS Barometer is getting ready to blow.
Me:  I go and greet and welcome them both to my home.  I am hospitable.

After they leave:

Me:  that was nice they stopped by
H:  Yeah.   I don't remember Greta from school. (ok?)
Me:  I think she was a cheerleader like Colorado.  (I actually know this to be true)
H:  No she played hockey.
Me:  She def did not play hockey.  You have her confused with someone else.  I played hockey and she was never on any of my teams.  I still think Cheerleader.
H:  Maybe.  I gotta get going.  I'll be by tomorrow at 830 to pick up the mower.  I guess you will already be at church. 
Me:  Not tomorrow.  I go in later. 
H:  Ok...guess I'll see you then.

(Guess who didn't show on Sunday until after I had left for the day....haha)

I held my cool and treated both as the guests that they were.

Here is some background - G popped up on FB about 6 mos ago and befriended me.  About the same time, she and H started talking on the phone now and then.  The last time I looked at the phone logs, they were talking more recently.  If you looked at her FB page....she has the "LOOK" of an MLCer.   I have kept this close to me but I pegged her as OW 2.   Even if it was not a PA....the calls reflected more than the occassional acquaintance talking.  More frequently and longer periods of time.  H would even hang up on OW 1 to take a call from OW2.    I tried to let all this go.  After all....H is in replay.

I know H knew she was coming and he took the chicken way out and didn't tell me until she was there in my driveway.  I know this because Colorado called when she was on her way.    I quietly observed.  They had no signs of two people in love.  No sideward glances.  No obvious signs of two people having an affair while I was sitting and watching.  My D was also there and told me later that she didn't observe anything so she thinks that they are just friends who belly ache to each other on the phone.

Later that night I showed up at the class reunion unannounced.  H asked me to text him...I didn't...wasn't giving him the notice.  When I got there....they were not together.  She was off with another gal and H was sitting with a large group chatting.  As I sat with others observing....I didn't see either one of them have any signs of a relationship.   So I said...maybe they are just buddies yacking to pass some MLC time and tell each other how awlful the LBS's are. 

So right now I am monkey braining.  Of course I go to the worst....he is off with her.  OW 2 has become a PA.   I don't know this.  I can't assume anything.  It doesn't matter who or what he is doing.  I believe I should have been notified that he asked Colorado to let my dogs out.  This is my home.

I firmly believe that a boundary is needed but I really need to calm down first.  I want to send H a text and tell him we need to talk.  I want to tell him he is a low life p.o.s .  That is what I want to do not what I will do.

So boundaries are new to me.  I have not been placed in a position where I needed boundaries.  So if it is determined that a boundary is how this should be handled...I want to make sure I phrase it properly to H.

Here are my thoughts:

1.  Tell him I appreciate he was looking out for the dogs by sending Colorado.
2.  Remind him that it is no longer his HOME...it is my HOME and I have a right to know who is coming and going.
3.  In the future, if the need arises to send someone else, he should first contact me and confirm that I am in agreement.

My boundary is that he can not give permission to anyone outside of family to enter my home without consulting me.

Should this occur again, I will change the lock code and to enter, I will have to be contacted. 

Thoughts....I really welcome any and all feedback.   

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rose - Not ignoring your last comment on the previous thread.  I'll get to you soon.   

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Music45

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2019, 01:30:20 PM »
Attaching to your new thread, Sam. What stupid behaviour from your H. What a mixed up mess he is.
Your boundaries sound ok to me and 100% reasonable but this is MLC so what your H makes of them is another thing.
So some things I'd be thinking about: are you ok if he takes the huff and says he wont come around anymore if that's how you feel? Do you need him at all or could you cope?
You do right to wait until you have your thought ducks in a row.
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2019, 01:36:15 PM »
ABSOLUTELY on the Boundary. Having someone else in your house is an absolute No-Go.  Just something to keep in mind is that I assume that CO now has the Lock Code which H had to have given it to her... You'll need to change it soon anyway....

As for the rest, yeah, it was a cowards way out regarding G.... Regardless of what their R is, it was pretty chicken-$#!t
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2019, 02:49:17 PM »
Following along Sam. 
I won't comment about the hoochie G, no need too.  Don't waste your time thinking too much about that.
The boundary is perfect. I mean its a tiny one, surely he can do that. If not , lock him out too. It is your house. 

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2019, 05:14:54 PM »
Music-  ty for following and giving me some things to think about

Should h get huffy or distant because of a boundary it will only serve to continuously prove how bad his replay is. I cant make this decision on how he is gonna react. I prefer him to be mad at me rather than me be angry for him failing to respect me.

Thank you so much for your input
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2019, 06:35:25 PM »
UM. Thank you! 

As for the code...she doesnt have it. I dont lock my door unless i wont be home until late.

Besides the cameras, I have three dogs...let them greet an unsuspecting person at the door. Haha.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2019, 06:37:19 PM »
Helping...thanks for following. I appreciate your feed back on the boundary too. It is my home and I deserve to have a say in who comes and goes. Ty
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2019, 07:11:52 PM »
Boundary Update: 

I sent H a texting telling him I needed to talk to him. When could we meet?

He called later and wanted to know what was wrong. I told him something upset me. I wasnt going to bottle it up. I wanted to talk to him about it.

He said he just got back from a ride and would come over asap.

When he got here, he was hesitant to come in the house. Stood on the steps. Told him to come in. He fussed around the kitchen a bit then finally stopped and said what is up.

I told him my home is my sanctuary and I dont feel comfortable when he allows someone else to come in without advising me and giving me a say. He looked at me ... said your right...looked away and said Sorry.  Then told me that she was in the area and he asked her to do it as a favor for him and she agreed. I told him I trust Colorado but in the future he needs to notify me if it is anyone but his sis. He agreed.


Sorry but that was too easy and he was too willing. Felt so much like bd. He wouldnt sit. He was nervous like he expected something else. He relaxed afterward but he had my senses on alert. Was he afraid I was gonna bring up G?  Who knows. I knew i had the upper hand.

Then we talked about S and how I was gonna start sending some money to help with expenses. He said for me not to do it. He said he would send twice the amount each month than what i offered and he could tell s it was from me.  Said as long as he is working at his current job he can afford to send him more.   At bd he quit sending son money for a period of time because son didnt need his help and people were taking advantage of him financially   Big change there. He didnt start sending money until oct. almost a full yesr of not helping son.

Then he talked about selling his bike again and either buying a bigger one or a jeep.   He didnt know what to do. I asked if i could give him a piece of advise. He said yes.  I said if you are not  100 percent sure then do nothing until you are. He said yeah ur probably right     He talked about paying off the bike and the truck. That is important to him. Then he said see you at the gym and left.

After leaving he called to tell me he couldnt put the dogs out tomorrow. Then he could. Then he wasnt sure. Then he was sure he could work it out and if he was a lil late picking up sis she could wait on him a few mins. So now he is coming by tomorrow.

Fast forward to the end of the night when we are leaving the gym... he calls me to tell me I have a headlight out. Ugh..  thank you. Ill get it to the garage this weekend. He says will you be home tomorrow night. I said nope. I have dinner plans wont be home u til seven or later. He says he wouldnt be back until 730 so he would stop by and he is pretty sure he has a spare bulb in his truck. Then he told me his truck had to go to the shop on Thursday. I said to him. Your sis will be around to take you right. He said. Yeah it wouldnt work out for you to take me. I said. It is best for sis to do it.

I always hate it when he gets nice and giving. With mean monster you have a better idea where you stand. With charming monster he can be more devious and then BAm you get hit hetween the eyes with more bad new. At both bd and his move out of state he got really nice and really giving before he told me that he was in luv with ow1 and just had to be with her.  Puts my senses on alert now. It could be guilt over hanging with G or it could be just plain old guilt. Time will tell.  He still needs lots of it.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2019, 01:10:56 AM »


Boy is slower than a 10-year itch....  ::)
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2019, 04:14:29 AM »
Sam

Welcome to your new thread. Sorry it’s starting off in this uncertain way. I know how that feels and after so long it’s just dull isn’t it.

I love how you took action and said how you felt about him letting someone else in. Maybe he is being nice as feels bad about that?

I hope G isnt OW2. Glad you went to the reunion unannounced, it’s good though if you didn’t ‘feel’ they were together. I have had similar worries this year and my head has thought one thing but it hasn’t ‘felt’ like my head was right and so far my feeling has proven to be true. It’s tiring and boring though living this way for so long, glad you are staying fabulous

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2019, 08:23:58 AM »
UM - LOL!  Never heard that one!  Lord only knows what goes on in his head.  He certainly does not share.  Only things he has talked to me about more than once has been financials and his goals and plans.  Other than that....I am the creepy cootie infested monster.  He certainly does not trust me.  Sad!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2019, 08:28:15 AM »
Rose - Thanks for joining along.  As for the start of the new thread....it was bound to happen.  Things have to get worse before they get better.  He has been in too many up cycles.  Can't put my finger on it but something is just not right.  Just my gut talking.

As for OW2 - time will tell.   I hope she isn't anything either....but something is strange.  If she was just a friend....then say it.  If she is more...then say it too.  Get it over and done with.

I know...they are in MLC and can't admit to anything.  Super sad!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline exhausted

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2019, 09:28:39 AM »
Good job on the boundary, Sam!! You are right that your home is your sanctuary and you should feel emotionally safe there. You have to maintain some control for yourself.

<<hugs>>
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #13 on: July 30, 2019, 11:17:30 AM »
Update:

So, Colorado and I had an opportunity to talk without H being around.  Was talking about some friends from HS and the reunion.  I came right out and asked her how close she and G were.

She told me they were pretty close in middle school then lost each other and just started to pick up their friendship and talk more in the last few mos.

I have seen G's FB.  She friended me.  I swear she is is MLC.  Some really nice pics and then pics with the LOOK.  No smile.  Dark eyes.  Sullen looking.

I asked Colorado if she was ok based on those pics.  She told me she has a lot to bear right now.

-First marriage was not good and ended badly.  She implied it was abusive but didn't come out and say it.
-One S is involved in drugs and currently in prison.
-She married her current H about 12 years ago and thought for sure she found her forever mate.  Her true love.  He was recently diagnosed with a lung disease which will hamper and shorten his life.
-She has a demanding position taking care of those with special needs.  Those with issues.  Those who need extra care.  Those who face a lot of issues.

I agree...she has a lot to bear.  Depressed or in MLC.  So hard to tell.  There are issues there for sure!  I pray she can find the comfort she needs.

As for why she is talking to H.  Don't know.  I can guess but that would be all it is.

-He can relate due to several members having drug issues and doing time and his history in law enforcement.
-He can be a knight in shining amour for her now.  She needs someone to be able to lean on.
-Although they didn't know each other in HS, she could be a substitute for a blast from the past.
-I feel confident that Colorado probably innocently hooked them up.  I can see G talking to Colorado about the S and Co telling G to talk to H because he understands.  Maybe?  Who knows. 

So my heart does bleed for her.  Tough place to be in but that is no reason to pursue someone else while you are still married.  Dying or not.  Her H could last for many years due to the advancements in meds in the area he is dealing with.  There is help out there.  Sadly, she is still smoking despite him having a lung disease. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Me :

I was upset yesterday.  I vented here and with a friend.  I reviewed the advise and everyone was on the same page as I was so I knew I was making the right decision. 

I handled it.  I was proud of me.  I was calm and cool and soft spoken when I dealt with H.  I was honest that I didn't like it.  I accepted that he would either accept the boundary or reject it and that was his decision.  I was prepared for him to take a more childish route and I was floored that he was accepting of my position. 

What does it mean?  Nothing....nothing at all right now.  He is still so deep in replay.  My gut tells me there is something going on.  Be it OW2 or more serious with OW1 or breaking with OW1 and just a budding friendship with OW2.   I don't know.  It is MLC and I can't make sense of the senseless.

My options...continue to think about it or accept things as they are for now and continue taking care of me.  I am choosing me.

I can see H is still all about H.  He was very juvenile this weekend with the reunion.  Back to riding his bike and wearing his HD clothes everywhere.  Like he was showing off that he had the bike. 

I know he took Colorado for a ride and I suspect he took G for a ride and I am quite certain that G hung out with H when Co was off visiting other friends.  Just my head talking and I hope it is wrong.  It could be very platonic.  She may be searching for a friend and H is looking for more or vice versa.  I just saw the way he got a bit giddy when the car pulled in the driveway.

I just can't care of think about any of it anymore.  This is my final vent on it.  I am getting it all out now and letting it go.  I have better things to do then think about them.

I refuse to let his antics bring me down.  Thanks for letting me purge all this and move it to the past for me.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2019, 11:17:56 AM »
Ex:  Ty...hope you are doing well!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2019, 01:46:40 PM »
Welcome to your new thread Sam. Whether G is OW 2 or not, remember that as he is still in replay, she is nothing more than a symptom.  I know, a very painful one at that and I am really bad at detaching form this particular brand of replay myself. But well, MLCers just cannot seem to ever be alone. And they can't be with us right now. So, well, it happens. Hoping though that it isn't in this case. And really, you never do know.  But I've learned to trust my gut more and more.

Anyway, good boundary. I would do the same.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2019, 01:26:54 AM »
And we all know how much male MLC'ers seem to love being the "Knight in Shining Armour" while female MLC'ers love to play the "Damsel in Distress" role.... sounds like a real match made in Hades....

As for G, H may be thinking that way but it is entirely possible that G isn't... Not worth getting spun up about (i. e. Monkey-braining) ... Since Colorado and G have been talking more lately, it adds credence to the line that G is just in the middle of a $#!t-storm and is looking for any sympathetic ear she can find... It will be up to her whether or not she crosses the line with H or not.... It is NOT, however, that deserves a lot of head space as 1) it hasn't happened yet, and 2) even if it does, there is NOTHING that anyone, other than the parties directly participating, can do ANYTHING about...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2019, 08:39:15 AM »
KIT:   Thank you!  Not only am I glad you are following along, but I needed this reminder!

Quote
remember that as he is still in replay, she is nothing more than a symptom.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2019, 08:40:45 AM »
UM:

This I also needed to be reminded of too!  Thank you!

Quote
It is NOT, however, that deserves a lot of head space
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2019, 08:51:18 AM »
Journaling:

Yesterday I went out with a friend after work.  H wanted to come by to fix my car.  I was late and he was early so he didn't wait.  Let me know he was going to visit someone else and would  be by later.  He showed.  I was surprised.  However my car didn't get fixed because he told me the wrong part to buy.

Back to the parts store I go and while there, I discover they are willing to fix for free so guess what......H doesn't have to come back now.  I also didn't write out to let him know.  If he wants to know he knows where to find me.

Today I am back where I need to be mentally.  Feeling good and ready to take on anything and everything.

Looking back, I allowed myself to get derailed when G showed up at my house.  I just got stuck on why hide a friend coming over....but why question anything while in replay.  He would lie anyhow.  His form of lying is predominantly withholding info.  Ok...accept and move on.

All I know if that I am glad to be back feeling better again.  Confident that no matter what....I got this crap.  I let my confidence drop and I should never have done that.  It doesn't matter what he does....I do NOT have to let it affect me.  That is all my own doings.  I let my brain wonder into no man's land.  I can't do that crap.

I also realized when I am worrying, I get triggered easier.  I am considering therapy again.  It helped me past the initial hump after BD and I have fixed a lot of things since then on my own.

Now I am thinking it would be great to have someone just help guide and direct me to take the work I have already done and help me fine tune.  Maybe I will find other issues to address...maybe not.  So maybe more of a life coach than a counselor. 

This would not be therapy to talk about H or his MLC....it would be just all for me to continue to help me address some of the triggers and find some coping mechanisms so instead of being thrown for a loop and letting my mind wonder for days, I can find ways to get it back sooner and easier.

Something for me to think about and do some research to find the right person.  My old therapist retired so I sadly can't go back to her.  Gotta start all over!

Break over....back to work!

Hope everyone has a great day!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2019, 09:05:19 AM »
Good for you Sam.
For all ladies out there, if your in the US, AutoZone will change bulbs, wiper blades, batteries, air filters all for free. They do here anyway. They are always more than happy to help a woman. They frown doing it for a man, ha.

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2019, 10:41:42 AM »
Thanks Helping for the info.

I went to A and A Auto parts...they do it too!  Just some more FYI.  Thanks for sharing and helping out us "ladies" 

Next time you go to the auto parts store....try a dress and wig!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2019, 11:07:04 AM »
Good for you Sam.
For all ladies out there, if your in the US, AutoZone will change bulbs, wiper blades, batteries, air filters all for free. They do here anyway. They are always more than happy to help a woman. They frown doing it for a man, ha.

This is so lovely, getting ‘looked after’ like this, Helping, is so welcome while dealing with MLC. The kindness of someone pointing you in a helpful direction is special. (It’s maybe not for men like you who are obviously capable with things like this but if my father turned up, they’d help him - he’s no idea about cars ha ha.)

Glad you got it sorted Sam. Good luck finding a coach, it’s tricky getting one to suit but I’m sure you’ll manage.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Treasur

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2019, 12:08:56 PM »
Fwiw Sam, if what you feel you need is a bit of extra support oomph on triggers and some new tools, I wonder if you might find it helpful to look at it through an anxiety 'lens'...either some kind of anxiety coach or indeed someone who comes at it less from a head angle than from a body one? Someone who can give you a completely fresh perspective that is about calming and strengthening your spirit and body...meditation or yoga or qigong or a new physical skill maybe? Even something where the coping with triggers thing is more of a side effect of a strengthened system than an explicit goal if that makes sense?

If you feel you need to focus on something broader than the anxiety, goals that are about other things you want to do maybe, then a coach might be more helpful but many coaches won't naturally come with a solid understanding of anxiety necessairily but tend to be more action-focused?

Hope that helps you as you pin down what you feel you need.
I often ask my clients too if their core issue is a scratch or an itch...a scratch when there is something you want to stop or move away from, an itch when there is something you are trying to work towards but might not quite know how to yet. Scratch or itch tends to be a different kind of energy and therefore a different kind of process.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2019, 12:12:15 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2019, 05:19:47 AM »
Quote
For all ladies out there, if your in the US, AutoZone will change bulbs, wiper blades, batteries, air filters all for free. They do here anyway. They are always more than happy to help a woman. They frown doing it for a man, ha.

They will also help you in reading codes from your vehicle if something is wrong and explaining what needs to be done. Luckily I have 3 nephews who are mechanics! (and maybe I've learned a thing or two this past year!).

Sorry Sam I hijacked your thread for a second!! lol
I'm still following and reading...Getting in a routine again, at least trying!
Hope you are well!
Smiles!
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2019, 09:07:12 AM »
Rose -
Quote
The kindness of someone pointing you in a helpful direction is special.

I agree.  It is very special.  However, I found a lot of people on this site willing to help which is making life so much easier.  Being able to relate to others.  I have made some great long term friends here.  Some who I get to visit and be with and some I only get to chat with one here.  That's ok....pen pals are not dead with sites like this to get to know and support others.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2019, 09:10:21 AM »
Mrs. -

Hijack away.  Please share anything anytime that will help others.  Isn't that the reason we should be here.  So we can share to get support and help but also to help support others too?

I am well and glad you are here!  Take care of yourself!  Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2019, 09:16:03 AM »
Treas:  Thanks for the feedback.  Based on what you wrote, I may need to consider a combo of help.

I want to be able to deal with the triggers that bring on the anxiety and get that under control.  However, I don't want to just put a bandage on it and wait for it to heal.  I want to get the deep dark reasons why these are still occurring.

So, I am thinking I need coping methods for the immediate time for when they do pop up.  This would be the bandage to get me through them for right now.

I am thinking personal therapy to help me dig deeper and work on resolving the triggers long term.  Get to the point where I have faced and dealt with those things that bring on the anxiety/panic/fear so that I won't have to worry about bandages in the future.

Make sense?  Thoughts?  Maybe a therapists who can deal with both?   I know this all goes back to MLC, I just want this to be about fixing those issues in me that I can't seem to do on my own without turning things around to be about H.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #28 on: August 01, 2019, 09:30:37 AM »
Journal Update:

I am here today but not much to report.  H was quiet yesterday not a peep out of him.

My D let me know that he did go out to visit and later he posted a pic of GD.  I commented "cutz"

He responded:  "Did you get your car fixed?"   Me:  Yes.  Thank you!

End of convo.

Yesterday was a great day for me.  I had my head back on straight.  I got things done and I am planning for the weekend.  This is my last full weekend to accomplish some tasks before my son comes home.  I am hosting a family/friends party for him and I sold the bed i his room so I need to put the new one together.  Ugh...so much to do.

Several weeks ago H promised to come help with doing things.  Of course I didn't expect it and I didn't count on it.  So far I have half of the basement work done.  About 10% of the shed work done.  95% of the patio done.  0% of the bedroom done.  The only one I can let slack is the shed.  Everything else has to be done by the 15th of this month.

One way or another I will get it done.

This past Sat, H said he would be over after he saw I did the patio by myself.  Said he would help a few hours on Sat and Sun.  We will see.  No expectations.  Help would be nice since some of the stuff that needs done pertains to him, but I can do it without him.  I do need help to put the bed together and I can bribe my son in law or find a friend to help.  Not hard to do, just a two person job to balance the frame and screw it together.

Anyhow, last night when H was leaving D's house, he told GS that he would see him this weekend at my house if he came over in the am.  So right now it appears he has not forgot his promise...however today is only Thursday...he can still forget or decide to avoid me by Sat am.

Other than that.....work is busy which is always good.  July's are typically slow.  The end of July really picked up and it is carrying into August so far.  Hope it stays this way!



My Quote of the Day:
   
Quote
Every single event in your life, especially the difficult lessons, have made you smarter, stronger, and wiser than you were yesterday.  Be Thankful!!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #29 on: August 05, 2019, 12:57:18 PM »
Journal Update:

About H first....

Friday - Nothing until late evening.  He had gone silent since Monday.  Then he sent me a snap and  asked me to call him.  I did but it wasn't until after I did some things I needed to do.  He told me he was coming over Saturday to help me get the house ready for son's homecoming.  Told me he stopped by by office earlier.  This is something he used to hide from me too.  He would stop in to see my assistant who we used to pal around with.  She occassionally let it slip.  He never told me.  This time, my other associate was in the office so I figure he told me thinking she might say something.  She won't.  He doesn't know that cuz he doesn't know her.

Told me he considered bringing his truck to my house then decided not to do it because he was walking and that was an extra mile and he was running short on time.  Reminded me that he left a set of keys at my house so I can go and get his truck and use it anytime I want.

Saturday - He was about an hour late but showed and stayed 5 hours.  Helped move heavy stuff.  Ran to store to get things I needed for repairs.  Mowed and worked outside around the house.  Stayed for lunch.  Grandkids came over and he stopped working to visit with them.  Went swimming then went to work.  He brought his clothes so he didn't have to run back to his place before going to work.

I told him that the ATV needed a new battery and I was gonna pick one up and take it back to the cabin.  He told me that he didn't want it to go to the cabin.  He didn't want my parents to let it sit out (and they would).  He told me it needs about $800 of work and he would get it fixed and then use it at his sisters place this winter to plow snow.   Inside of me, I wanted to cringe because he is planning to stay at his sisters through the winter yet part of me was happy because he was planning to stay at his sisters through the winter and not move elsewhere (like with the OW) 

He also went through some bins of his stuff that was here.  Took most all of it with him and tossed a bunch of stuff.  Yeah!  Less at my place.

Talking about homes....he seems to be a man without a home right now.  H refers to his sisters place or the creek home.  He refers to our home as Sam's home.  H has no home.  He doesn't claim either of them to be his home.  Never say's I am going home...he goes to sis's.  He seems comfortable with this but that is just an observation.  It is weird because even when he was in the military, he had HIS room or HIS place and HIS bunk when he was in the barracks( and this stuff was really only temporary...usually only a few weeks at a time).  Now he has nothing...no place to call his own....not even his bed at sis's.  Just an odd way to live.  He isn't putting down roots anywhere yet he is not a nomad either.   I guess you quit trying to have a home after you moved 7 times in 21 months.  Probably best to stay neutral about where you lay your head at night! 

In the evening he called to give me some info as a follow up to the purchase of a new sub shop in town.  Hung up and said "I'll see you sometime tomorrow"

Sunday:  Came over to finish up some chores.  SIL met him and together they put together the new bed for spare room.  He stayed for lunch and was going to stay and swim/shower but he forgot his water bottle and needed to run and get it.  Then SIL asked him to help him move something, so he never returned.  Helped SIL then went to work.  Stayed about 2 hours before leaving.

Talked about family vacations of the past.  This was prompted by the lunch I made.  Then he compared the lunch to his sister making it.  He doesn't like her cooking!
During the evening he was sending snaps.  Just scenic things.  Nothing special at all.  When he left, he said bye to the grandson then turned and walked away.  No thanks for lunch....no see ya later...not even I am out of here.  Just turned and walked away.  Bear in mind, that I didn't make lunch for a reaction.  I made it because the ingrediants were on sale plus I could freeze the excess for lunches.  Just amazed that he walked off like no one else was there.  Guess he was too worried about finding his water bottle he left behind.  LOL!

Today:  He called to see if I talked to my Dad.  He saw my Dad yesterday and they were making plans to move the trailer.  He called to see if he could move it to my house and if so where he should put it.  We talked about that.  Actually discussed options.   Talked about our son.  Talked about the homecoming.  For the first time in as long as we can remember, we just talked.  It wasn't all him.  He ran ideas past each other.  Considered options.   He knew I was looking for some lights and sent me pics of what his sister has so I could see those options.  We talked about some things for the house.  Changes he wants to see.  No commitment to do anything about it, but it was talk.  Basically he was picking up on ideas we had discussed doing prior to BD.

He told me he was gonna help my dad tomorrow.  Then come by the house and do more yard work.  He ended by telling me he wouldn't be at the gym tonight and told me he was gonna help a buddy move.

 
What I am observing right now in H is helpfulness.

H wants to help everyone again - not just taking care of the dogs and the yard....helping

Help SIL move a desk
Help me at the house
Help a buddy move (if this is true)
Help take care of his parents yard
Help take care of my parents yard
Help his dentist take care of her yard (recently widowed)
Help my Dad move some things
Help s with some expenses
Help get things ready for the homecoming on Saturday while I am picking up son.
Offered to let me use his car to go pick up S next weekend which is about 4 hours away.  More comfortable a ride and much better on gas than my truck.

Also for the longest time he was just coming by the house and doing whatever.  Now he is telling me he is coming by.  Told me last weekend he would be by this weekend.  Told me today he would be by tomorrow and also asked if I would be available if he had questions.  Like I can help answer his yard questions from my office...but OK!?!

It is a different side of H again.

Last weekend he was back to HD clothing and riding his bike everywhere while friends were in town for the class reunion.  He didn't have a problem showing up at the reunion telling people we decided to separate and I wouldn't be coming.  Looking back, it appeared he was showing off.  Like look at me...I am single and ride a HD MC.  Felt so much like post BD when he was on the bike constantly.  In fact, his overall attitude was simliar to right before BD...at the time I didn't know what was coming but now I recall how I was basically nothing more than a speck of dirt on the floor.  I didn't matter.  I felt that again last weekend.  He was different yet the same but yet different. 

This summer he has rode his MC far less.  Even considers selling it for either another bike that is bigger or a Jeep so he can still ride and let the air rush through his hair. 

Now this week, he is back to normal clothes.  The bike went away on Monday and has not been out since despite the beautiful weather we have had.

He is just a mess!  All over the place.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Me:  I am pleased with me right now.  He told me wasn't gonna go to the gym tonight and immediately I wanted to think he is going to meet with her.  Then I backed off my thinking and said to myself....so what if he does.  You can't stop him.  He spent his time off this weekend with his family and not with her.  Let him go and compare the nice weekend with family vs the time he gets to spend with her.    I stopped the monkey braining before it started.

Then I headed back to trust issues again.  There is a part of me that is hopeful that he isn't lying.  I know it is still a far cry especially because I caught him in a lie just over a week ago.  So he could be telling me the truth.  He could be lying.  Someday it will all come out.  My gut is not telling me anything.  So, that means to me to leave well enough alone.  Just let it play out.

One thing I do know is that in the past, his silence and secrecy was more dangerous than things he was saying.  When he would keep things a secret he was usually doing things that he knew he probably should not be doing.  Only time will tell if he is actually turning over a new leaf or just being open because he was recently caught and this is just fleeting.  If I had to guess, I would say fleeting.  Time will tell!




10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online TurtleGal

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #30 on: August 06, 2019, 08:26:27 AM »

Then I headed back to trust issues again.  There is a part of me that is hopeful that he isn't lying.  I know it is still a far cry especially because I caught him in a lie just over a week ago.  So he could be telling me the truth.  He could be lying.  Someday it will all come out.  My gut is not telling me anything.  So, that means to me to leave well enough alone.  Just let it play out.

One thing I do know is that in the past, his silence and secrecy was more dangerous than things he was saying.  When he would keep things a secret he was usually doing things that he knew he probably should not be doing.  Only time will tell if he is actually turning over a new leaf or just being open because he was recently caught and this is just fleeting.  If I had to guess, I would say fleeting.  Time will tell!

SIA:
I have found that sometimes I work myself into a negative mind set by playing things back and forth like this. "Maybe he is lying again, I know he has before so is this more of the same? He is not saying much, so must be hiding something." Then I find out later that H was not lying and I had worked myself up over nothing. But I also think we do this to protect ourselves, if we expect the worst we are not as hurt if it turns out to be more of the same.
I think what you said about "leave well enough alone and just let it play out" is the great advise for these things. No expectations, be they "good" or "bad"  :)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #31 on: August 08, 2019, 03:52:51 AM »
Turtle Gal:

I have done and still do exactly what you said.  Detachment is hard work.  You have to keep the right mind set over your emotions at all time.  If you waiver, it is so easy to get sucked into the "dark side" of thinking.

I occasionally take that plunge.  Afterwards, I think...you know better...why even monkey brain.  Sometimes it happens.  It is all my doing and my responsibility to get back to the right mindset.

One thing I do notice is that those plunges are happening less and less and the recovery to come out of them is less and less.  Even to the point where I can stop them before they start.  Yeah for me!  I am progressing through this mess too!

I alone control my thoughts and I can't let my mind dwell on what H is doing or not doing.  Saying or not saying.

My best stance is being an observer....seeing what he is doing and saying and journaling it because then I can see small changes over time I would have forgot about.  Don't analyze anything he says because two mins later he can be saying something totally different and contradictory to what he said before.  Totally crazy stuff happening in their heads.

You can do it too Turtle.  It is mind over matter.....find what works for you to help you avoid those plunges and staying neutral emotionally.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #32 on: August 08, 2019, 05:21:41 AM »
8.8.19 Touch and Go Observation Notes:

Not a peep from H since he left on Sunday.

Yesterday afternoon, he called me.  Asked me if I knew where a hat was he was looking for.  What a convo...it was pulling teeth to figure out which hat he was talking about.  I didn't see it so he was just a mile away and was coming by to look for it.  He ended up finding it in the living room under something.  He wasn't in that room on Sunday so no idea how it got there.

He then said he was looking for pruners and couldn't find them.  He looked everywhere but the gardening shed.  I looked for them and found them before he got here.  I handed them to him thinking he needed them because he has been doing work at his parents house.  Nope he wanted to trim some lower branches here at the house.  Said he didn't do it on Monday because he couldn't find the tools he needed.

Before he started to work, he told me that he though about going out to D's house but decided not to.  He didnt' feel like doing anything...not even riding out there.

So the man who didn't want to do anything stayed for two hours.  During that time:
-he finished cutting 1/3 of the lawn.  I already had 2/3 done.
-he pruned low limbs
-he weed whacked and helped me clean up the flower garden (which I let go because of a snake in there)
-he washed the mower off
-he moved the trailer for me so I had easier access

Basically we worked on yard clean up.  At one time, he told me that he didn't like the looks of the yard but he didn't have the energy to everything done.  Started telling me about the little things I wasn't doing that I should be doing.  I let him rant.  I zipped my lips when I wanted to go off on him.  That was the old Sam.  I would have been defensive and turned blame on him.  Now I can see there is no sense arguing over it.  Especially when he is right.  I did overlook a lot of things.

Instead, I let him finish and then I calmly said to him... I don't look at the yard the same way you do.  Thank you for pointing those things out to me.   

Is this a door mat response?    I see this as picking my battles.  The yard is not something that is worth arguing over.  He did have some good points of things I was overlooking.  Little things that did make the yard look a lot better once we got it done.  He wasn't personally attacking me.  He was calm not nasty...he stated it as matter of fact and I responded in a similar manner.

Other things we addressed:

He is now thinking of selling his car.  He didn't as my opinion I didn't give it.  I told him he has a lot to think about.  He will make have to make that decision and will have to do what is best for him.

Dental and Health Insurance:  He is thinking of making some changes.  I did give him my feedback here because this will directly affect me due to some new found health conditions.  I dropped a hint about me seeing specialists.  He didn't bite.  He didn't care so I didn't push sharing the info.  He went on to talking about the dental which affects him more than me so it doesn't matter what changes he makes there.

Neighbors son:  Had a seizure and rushed to hospital.  Turned it was the same thing that GS had 8.9.18.  The three of us talked about that a bit.  Funny how H acted like he was there was witnessed it.  He 14 to 16 hours away and I relayed info to him via his sister most of the night. Of course he missed a lot of details because he wasn't there and some info just didn't get shared.  Like sitting in the ER dept for 7 hours under observation.  Eating supper at 11 pm after discharge and getting up at 5 am to go to the hospital again for the birth of GD.  So much more.

Comedy:
I noticed that H is trying to joke some more.  He still doesn't have his quit wit like he used to have.  He did joke and played a prank on me and laughed some during this T and G.  Next time he can be back to a bump on the log again.  Who knows.  Just take it as it is.  Nice to see some of his sense of humor when it does pop out.

Swimming:  He ended the night going for a swim.  Actually he came planning on swimming but wouldn't admit it.  He was wearing flip flops that he never wears and had his swim trunks handy.

I ended up getting out of the pool before him.  He covered it and then said he was gonna go...but didn't. 

He bought some different things at the farmers market and pulled them out and was having me try them.  Then he wanted to leave some of everything for me.  I kindly declined.  I didn't need whoopie pies and the pickled veggies were to tart for my liking. 

Then he left but before he did, he told me to make a list of everything else I need done before the homecoming so he can help me get it done.  He alluded to coming over on Sunday to move a mattress.  Then he said good bye and left.

Biggest benefit of his touch and goes.....whenever he is here spending time or going to D's to spend time....that is time he is not spending with the OW....huge BONUS!

I am now to the point that when he leaves it no longer hurts.  Last night was a long day for me since I was up at 5 pm.  I was tuckered and ready for him to leave so I could relax.  I didn't intend to spend nearly 2 hours doing yard work but I am glad it is done.  Things look so much better.  My intent was only to mow the yard last night...swim...eat supper and relax.

It all worked out.

Last night when he was here...he said said something and it was a trigger that tried to pull up some anxiety.  Luckily he walked out of eyesight and I slipped into the shed....took a few deep breathes and got it under control.  To be honest, this morning, I can't even remember what it was anymore he said.  I know at the time it triggered me but I was mentally able to overcome it almost immediately  Only took about a minute or two to put it out of my thoughts.  So much out that I can't even recall it now.  Yeah!

Other things I observed:

I saw H get lost in himself last night.  He was talking and would stop and just stare off for a few mins then come back and say...what was I doing...Oh yeah and go back to what he was doing.

Also, he was concentrating on re-threading the weed whacker and when he was doing this...he couldn't talk.  It took all his concentration to get the job done.

Convos still revolve around him and what is happening with him.  He is quick to change convos back to him if you try to change them.  If you go off on another subject, he appears bored and as soon as possible he steers it back to something pertaining to him again.

Weirdly, he told me his work schedule for next week.  Something he has not done for a long time.  After the fact he has said things....not giving me insight beforehand.  He did this earlier this week to when he told me in advance he was missing an event to help a buddy.  Oh well,  I can almost promise that won't stick.  Just him talking out loud in that moment of time.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2019, 12:15:47 PM »
Just now attaching Sam - glad you are back in your good mental place.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #34 on: August 09, 2019, 12:43:40 PM »
66 - Thanks...Appears you are right there with me!  Have a good weekend!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #35 on: August 11, 2019, 05:02:06 AM »
Catching up Sam. That's a lot of touch and go from H. You did the right things all the way through.
It's amazing the things we learn to do. The patience we have.

Hugs from here!
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #36 on: August 12, 2019, 09:13:08 AM »
Mrs.   T & G's is all he is about right now.  He does them and disappears for a few days.  Then back again.  Silly MLCer.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Journal Update:

I have been bothered by triggers.  These seem to be things that are similar to or remind me of BD.  These actions/deeds/comments by MLCer drive me to emotional spinning for a few days.

I have been thinking and reading and I believe I see some of the problem.  At least it is a starting point until I can find another therapist that I like.

When these triggers happen....I was trying to just tamp them down.  As they would come back at me...I tried to tamp some more.  I wasn't facing them and looking into MY reactions for these.  I was running and not dealing with them.   I am going to try facing the head on when they occur and try to put them to rest the right now.  Not tamping them down and running but analyzing and figuring out the best way to address what is happening. 

I don't know where it came from but it hit me out of the blue that running from these things put me in a place like my H.  I need to deal and heal and not run.  Granted sometimes they need to be tamped down until a convenient time to deal....but I can't run from them.  I need to face them and figure out what in me is causing this and what I need to do heal so they become a thing of the past.  It is at least worth a shot.  Better than what I am doing with them now which I know is not working.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

H Update:

Thurs and Fri - H went quiet.  Not a peep out of him.  Not even a snap  from Happy McSnappy!

Saturday:  My Grand daughter 1st BDay.  (and also my 34th Wedding Anniversary)  I knew I would see H at the party and I was prepared to be nice but distant.  Plenty of people there to hang with and the room was large enough to be able to stay away from him.  Plenting of seating so I could choose a seat and he could sit with the family but at the other end of the table.

I was there first.  I chose to sit near D so I could help her as needed.  H came in and floated around.  Didn't say anything or acknowledge me.  He started talked to SIL.  Other member of our family was not there yet.  When he went to choose a seat....he chose the one directly across from me and placed his parents to the side of him.  He stayed about 2 hours and left to go to work.  He barely talked to me the whole time.   When I was talking to SIL about Son's party....he interjected a few times that he could help with x and y and z and I was to just let him know.

I then told him I could use help moving a mattress.  Initially, I turned him down.  Then something popped up.   He seemed put off and I said...it is ok.  I can go get it later in the day.  He said...No...I don't have other plans.  I can do it.  I just need to do it in the am on account of going to work in the pm.   So I told him he could do it as early as 9:15 am.   After that is when we were done talking.


Sunday:  I am sitting in church and get a text....I'll pick up the mattress at 9:15.  I replied...I am in church.  Can you let D know.  H:  Yes I will do that.

D texts me:  Dad just texted my H...he will be here at 9:15 for the mattress. 

WTF (yes I thought this in church...bad of me...at least I didn't say it outloud in church)  Why not contact D...why SIL?  Weird but ok...plans are in the making.

After church, H told me he was gonna meet me at my house in about an hour.  I said ok.  I would be there waiting for the trailer guy to show up.



H shows with the mattress and we get it to the new bed.  Box frames stored away.  He then helped me take down and clean the blinds. 

H had about 30 minutes left before he had to leave for work so he informed me he was gonna get a shower for work.  I was expecting him to leave.  Nope...he goes to the car...gets his work clothes and goes to the shower.  Asked me for a towel and washcloth and soap other than the girly stuff I had.  He showered then insisted on helping put the blinds back up even though it was making him a bit late.  Job accomplished and he went to leave.  Stopped and told me to tell my parents he is mowing their lawn on Monday and asked me to know park in his trailer cause he would be by very early to get it.  Reminded him where he moved the trailer to and he was gone.

Later he calls me to tell me there is a company hiring locally for new positions.  Told me it paid less but he was thinking of applying because it would be day shift with weekends off.  I told him to do what was best for him.  He kept talking about it and the endorsements he needed.  I told him I would support anything as long it was in his best interest and he was the only one that could decide that.

He then went on to tell me that they even pay if you want to relocate somewhere else and they just transferred a guy to the Florida location.  He has to work for a year then he can retire.  So they basically paid for his move to Florida for his retirement because that is where he wanted to retire to.  Me:  That is nice.  Sounds like a great company.   H:  It is nice....but I have no intention of leaving the area.   

I am glad we were on the phone.  I was doing a ton of head shaking and eye rolling.

Before hanging up....he said...I will start to work on these endorcements and I'll keep you in the loop of what I am doing.

Me:  Ok...Thanks...have a good day.


This morning, I got up and around and was prepared in case H showed early.  He didn't and I wasn't disappointed because I  didn't expect him no matter what he said.  He ended up not showing up until nearly 11.  A good 3 to 4 hours later than he originally planned.  Oh my.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So now, I expect a shut down for a few days.  This is what he does.  Total silence for awhile.  Wifey overload hits him.  He is house and dog sitting for me Friday when I drive to pick up son.  Saturday is his homecoming and Sunday I am taking them both to the airport.  H is flying out with S for a holiday.  I know H returns the following Friday but no idea who is picking him up at the airport.  He didn't ask.  I didn't volunteer.  He will have to figure it out or hitch hike.  Ha Ha!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #37 on: August 12, 2019, 11:14:10 AM »
Honestly my hat is off to you SAM for putting up with all of his contact and need to share. I would not have the patience and would probably holler that he chose to not share my life so then he wouldn't need to share all that nonsense with me either. You truly must have the patience of a saint
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #38 on: August 12, 2019, 12:22:08 PM »
I am learning patience.  I was not always patient at all.

It also helps that he doesn't monster and thus far has been respectful with the exception of a few incidents.  After I brought it to his attention he has done as I asked.  They were nothing big either.

1.  Making sure the inside doors are closed so the dogs have limited access to certain areas of the home.

2.  Not giving other people access to my home without my permission.

Other than that, I can honestly say that I am thankful for the help he offers.  I don't trust him.  I always wonder what he is up to.  I believe this is valid.  He has lied and been deceitful.  Secretive.  Clue dropping hoping I take the cue and ask him questions.  I don't.

I don't like feeling this way yet I know it is probably very normal right now given the last 2 years of MLC crap.

I also look at these times as time for me to have insight into him.  It doesn't take much observing to see how messed up he still is.  He can be as nice as he wants.  He can do as many chores as he wants.  He can attempt to smile and laugh and joke around as much as he wants.  The truth of what IS comes through in those moments of quietness when he gets lost and forgets there is a world around him.  I see he is still off kilter and I just have to let him do what he has to do.

Right now, I guarantee it is all about protecting and doing for me.  I won't let him intrude in my life if he can't be civil.  Period.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline seahorse

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #39 on: August 12, 2019, 04:40:04 PM »
Sam -
Catching up.
You sound in a good place.
I think it's great that you're acknowledging the fact that you need to face the triggers and understand why they trigger you, and how to best understand and deal with them.

Hugs.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #40 on: August 13, 2019, 01:17:50 AM »
Sam,

Your Mid-Lifer really is as nutty as a fruit-cake, I swear....

His "need to share silly stuff" is beyond the pale... And your patience in dealing with it?



Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #41 on: August 14, 2019, 12:13:10 PM »
Sea....thanks for following along and always being there. 

Keep taking care of yourself.  We are all different yet all in this together! 
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #42 on: August 14, 2019, 12:20:14 PM »
UM - Thank you for the GIF.  Make me chuckle. 


I don't know what is up with H.  Nutty?  Perhaps.  Silly...definately.  He does have crazy t and g's for sure.  Here then gone and back again.

He didn't disappoint.  He went quiet for 2 days.  Today he had his anchor check with a social media message then he texted to see if I needed anything from the market after I opened the message.

Nope...I had already been there several hours beforehand.  I don't let the moss grow under my feet.



So now, I am sure he will be quiet again until he needs info from me after I talk to our son tonight about when he is coming home this weekend.

Here is a good thing I found out.....H was planning on house sitting for me on Friday night.  His cousin is coming into town so H volunteered to let cuz have his bed at sis's since he will be at my house.

From info from son, I may not need to spend the night Friday night out of town...if that is the case, H doesn't have a bed.   Oops.   Part of me hopes I don't have to spend the night out of town....not only because H's plans would be foiled but also because I just don't want to spend the money for a hotel if I don't have to.  Plus I would prefer to be at home getting things ready for son's homecoming gathering vs letting it all fall into the hands of an mlcer.


Hope you all are well!  Busy few days coming up!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #43 on: August 17, 2019, 04:55:24 PM »
Sam

How great you have these busy few days. Look forward to hearing all about them. Does it mean your H will stay at your house if he has no bed? Very interesting!

I know he goes quiet for a couple of days but remember when it was a couple of weeks, he seems to be moving forward. Of course he may stop or indeed go backwards again but you staying fabulous is all that matters and I don’t doubt that for a second!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #44 on: August 20, 2019, 06:11:06 AM »
Hi Rose...was reading your posts.  I so get where you are!  However, we are made of tough stuff and will kick butt and be better versions of ourselves no matter what!

And yes....I do remember when H was quiet for months, then weeks and right now it is only days.

I would love to think he is making strides but then I witness things and realize how very far he has to go.  Sadly he is just not right at this point in time.  I am preparing myself for him going backwards again.  I won't like it, but if it is what he needs to do...so be it.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #45 on: August 20, 2019, 11:20:53 AM »
Journal Update:

Had a few crazy busy days and loved every minute of it.

Thursday 8/15 - H was supposed to be at my house in the am to help get some work done.  Showed up an hour before work and mowed the grass.  Later he told me that he got delayed at the dmv with licensing issues.  I actually believe this only because he had me open some mail up the week before pertaining to it.

Friday 8/16 - Once again, H was supposed to be at my house early to help get some work done for the homecoming.  He ended up working very late the night before and didn't get up until late.  He came and helped for a few hours then off to work.  I am just thankful for the help he provided.

This evening I went on an 8 hour car ride to pick up son and bring him home.  Let at 4....got home at midnight.  H called on our way home.  Told him I didn't need him to housesit.  He said ok...I'll see you tomorrow morning.  He couldn't be bothered to stop by on his way home from work to see son for a few mins.  He was getting back from his trip about the same time we were.

Sat 8/17:  H to show up 9 am to help finish prep for the homecoming party.  He called a bit before 9 and said he was on his way and was stopping for coffee and wanted to know if S wanted anything.  Would be there in about 10 to 15 mins.    S was still sleeping.  H didn't show until 9:30.  Either was coming from OW's which is about 30 mins away or stopped to gamble at the place where he gets coffee. 

So he showed and helped put the final touches on things.  Stepped up and did things that really helped like mopping and sweeping the floors, weed whacking, running errands, etc.  I am thankful for the help!

He did try to help me move my scooter at one point in time.  I had parked it someplace I shouldn't have and when H tried to help me, it tipped and fell.  He looked like a child that was gonna get in trouble.  He was apologizing and I could tell he felt bad.  I told him it was my fault and I take full responsibility for the mishap.  There were a few scratches on it. 

The me of old would have thrown a fit because he knocked it over.  I would have been mad and blamed him.  The new me...recognizes it was my fault.  I parked it where it was not 100% stable.  He tried to help but it fell over...nothing he did....I left it that way so it falling was all on me and I admitted it and let him know I didn't blame him.

The gathering was a success.  Mostly family, a few of S's close friends and his mentor who was widowed about 2 years ago.

I was able to sit back and get a ring side seat to the H circus.  I was not the only one noticing things.  Others approached and said what is wrong with H.  Why is he doing this or that.  He was seeking attention!

List of oddities from H:

-Insisted on getting his haircut in the middle of the party.  Instead of going to a side patio to have it done in private...he had it done on the primary patio in front of everyone.
-He gave a lot of attention to the mentor and her young son.  Was constantly where she was and looked after her S.  Even brought him dessert when he was playing.  Swam with him and was teaching him to dive and flip...even to the point where GS was in the pool but he totally was oblivious to GS and only paying attention to the other boy.
-Gave a lot of attention to S's female friend.  Not flirting...just sought out attention and talked to her a lot.  She is 28
-Told S he was gonna leave...everyone was still here and yard games just starting.  S asked why...said he had to pack.  S said....Really...how much do you have to pack?  It will really take you hours to pack?   H stayed another 2 hours and left about 1 hour before everyone else.  When he did leave, didn't say anything to son.
-I thanked H for helping with everything and offered a handshake.  H actually gave me a hug.  First one since 7.14.18 when he ran off to another state.  It wasn't the one armed obligatory hug.  It was a real hug and he held on for a few secs.

The day was awesome and it was great having all the family together again.  S has been missed the last 2 years.

Sun 8/18  I was taking S and H to airport.  S going home and H joining him for a week of vacation.  At the airport I gave S a hug.  Turned to H and said have a great holiday and he reached across and hugged me again.

It was so weird yet it didn't feel forced on his part.  Just like the night before, it was a firm hug that lasted a few seconds.    I don't know what to think.  I see changes in him yet I still see there is so much he still has to accomplish in order to heal.  He still is not H yet.  He is odd in so many way.  Juvinile is the way I would describe it.  It is still all about him.  No empathy. 

The hug was nice, but I felt nothing and this concerns me.  I know I have a brick wall built up right now.  I don't want to be hurt again so I won't even entertain the thought that H is chugging right alone.  I keep those bricks firmly in place to protect me. 

So will I ever be able to take them down?  Will I know when it is the right time to take a few down?  Will I always be numb to his affections in the future?  I don't want to be numb, yet I don't want to feel pain either.

So H is off on holiday.  I get occassional snaps and I am confident it will be that way all week long.  He is sending them to me, friend A and my daughter that I am aware of.  I am sure there are more.


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Music45

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #46 on: August 20, 2019, 12:12:47 PM »
Hi Sam
Maybe the bricks are up and secure because you know he's not cooked and that self protection is really important still. Maybe the bricks will stay up until if/when you instinctively feel the time is right. Likely you wont feel numb if you detect change. You're just not feeling it yet. You've shown such compassion in dealing with your H. I doubt someone who handles a Mlcer like you have/are/will would feel numb. I think it's just not time.
Idk. Just my thought on reading your thread.
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #47 on: August 20, 2019, 03:57:43 PM »
Yeah - 2 hugs! 🤗 🤗

Ok they are not proper as you don’t feel right but they are a better than no hug I would say. Good on you and well done on the mammoth 8 hour drive to get S. Such a good momma!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #48 on: August 20, 2019, 06:25:21 PM »
Sam, I am thinking when the time is right those bricks will come down one by one just like they went up.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #49 on: August 21, 2019, 01:24:21 PM »
Music - Everything you said is what I am trying to rationalize.  This is what I hope is the case!

Yes...I know H is not right.

I feel that everything he does has an alterior motive because history just prior to BD proved that was the case.

Yes...I put up a strong fortress around me to protect me because this is the thing that is all about ME.

Yes...I hope that one day the hugs will feel right.  Sadly, I didn't feel like he was going thru the motions...it was me going thru the motions because there wasn't anything leading up to it.  It was just bang...here is a hug. 


Rose -  Yes....a hug is better than nothing.  Maybe now he will realize I don't have giant killer cooties....just the normal ones that wash off! 

As for the drive....I drive a lot.  I just wanted my son home so I would do it again because it was for everyone to get him home as soon as possible.

FJ - I hope you are right.  I am prepared to take them down a bit at a time when things feel right.  I will not let them all come down at one time.  They didnt go up that way, they can't come down that way.

I just hope I have the discernment to know when the time is right.  One of those things where I just don't have the trust in myself.

I so want to, but H helped to destroy that and I am sure I will make mistakes as I learn to trust my instincts again.  I will definately be more protective.  Not to punish H but to protect me.

I do want to trust him again....someday when the time is right.  I think me building that trust and testing to see that my insticts are right will go a long way to trusting in myself and my instinctual abilities again....someday!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #50 on: August 25, 2019, 05:33:14 PM »
So...I left off my journaling with a trip to the airport ending in a hug.

Fast forward to 8.23.  The day H is due to return home.  I know this will shock some of you...but H flew home on 8.23 and didn't share his travel plans other than his sis would be picking him up at the airport.  Imagine and MLCer keeping a secret.

He did let me know when he landed via a snap that said safely on the ground at the local airport.  Then later a snap of him getting supper with sis at a local restaurant.  He was stopping by at some point to pick up his vehicle...just didn't know when.  Sis had contact me and I told her where the keys were in case I wasn't home.  I was gonna be...she didn't need to know that.

H stops by about 3 hours after landing.  Was gonna run off.  I asked him about his trip and things just started coming out.  He ended up sitting on the patio and talking to me abou the trip for an hour.  Then he said he was heading to sis'.  Told me he would be back on Sat to mow the grass.  Then asked if grandkids would be here.  Told him yes and an approx time.  He said maybe he would make it over the next day to see them.

He did tell me on the flight out he was seated next to two older widowed woman who had a vacation home near his destination.  They were talking about S-Town and H mentioned he liked it there.  They asked if he ever took the tour through the mountain and he said he didn't but son, son's gf and his wife did.  He was actually pausing and stuttering a bit when he said wife so I kinda feel like he changed the story for my ears from "the X" to "the wife".   I almost laughed at him when he started putting together his tale.  I didn't.  I controlled myself...this time.

He was off with no hugs.  I didn't expect one either.

8.24 - H stopped by in the am at the approximate time and mowed my grass.  However, no one was home.  I decided to take the grandkids to the store and we took our good ole time looking around.  Coming home, H's vehicle was at In laws so I dropped him a texting saying we were home.   Minutes later he was here and stayed about 30 mins. 

He got a text and said he had to go.  I rolled my eyes.  D says to him:  You just got here, why you running off?
H:  Sis is on her way home and needs help unloading wood she bought for a project at the house.

Then said he might be back Sunday or Monday to mow.  I told him I would do it and he was adament that I leave it for him because he likes to do it.

H said his buys....I walked to the mailbox while he left.

About an hour later, I get a snap from sis.  She is not unloading wood.  She is at a local ball game and H is with her.  Hmmm.  Better he is with her than OW so I am thankful for that.  Why the lie.  Why not just say he and sis had plans to go to the game.  I would have been happy for them.  D would not have been.  She misses going to the games with her father of old.

Had an enjoyable after noon relaxing and decided to head out for a scooter ride.  Come home to find H in my back yard loading my mower.  He is taking it for gas and then going to my parents to mow their lawn and then going to fill up his mower because nephew ran it out of gas.  He was gone for an hour then brough the trailer back and said again...he would be back sometime to finish mowing my lawn.

Without asking, he then told me he was here because sis didn't want to work on the project as originally planned.  She said Let's go to the game.  H didn't want to drive a car because parking is a premium if you can find anything close and very expensive.  So they took the cycle so he could squeeze it in somewhere close by and free.  I told him that was awesome and I am glad they got to the game.

Also informed me that he and sis were going to work on the project Sunday until noon and wondered if the grandkids would be over on Sunday.  Said I had no idea.  He could check with D.  He said ok...if they come over...maybe he will.

H is off again.

8.25

I get a call from D asking me to run grandson home later.  He came to visit for the afternoon.  I said sure.  I was then informed that I needed to cooridinate with H because he was planning on me giving him a ride home.  He was loaning his car to D for a few days while her's is in the shop. 

Later, H calls me and wanted to know when I was heading out.  Told him it would be before 3 or after 5 because of a special event.  He said he figured that.

He then said that sis was expecting company and when they got there he was gonna leave.  H says to me:  I think I am gonna shower and get ready and when sis's company comes, I'll head over and hang out there (my house) until we are ready to go to D's.  I replied.  OK.  I'll see you later.  H replies...yep...I'll see you sometime later.

H gets here...sits down and starts to relax.  Turns on TV and I am playing with grandson.  H suddenly says I gotta go mow my parents yard.  I tell him that I am gonna get lunch for us and asked if he wanted anything.

Initially he started to tell me that he figured we would go to D's and get lunch there...then he stopped and said I was thinking we could do that...would that be ok with you.  I said sure.  That is good.  We can spend time with all of them there.

So H took off.  Mowed the lawn.  Texted he was heading to D's and that I should meet him there.  He was picking up lunch on the way.

Ok...H came over but something got to him and he suddenly had to mow.  Mowing relaxes him.  Sitting here on the couch in my presense did not.  I am just pleased that he tried it.  I didn't expect him to show let alone try to sit and relax.  He even sat in his old spot on the couch.  I can only guess it was too much for him.  He tried and I give him kudos for that.

#2 that impressed me was that he allowed me to go with him to D's and have a family dinner.  He has not allowed this since June of last year.  It was nice.  He has come here but he has not traveled anywhere with me since leaving in July of last year.  I gave him a ride home and he talked about work and some possible changes and he doesn't know what he wants to do.  All I could say was that he would figure out what was best for him.

#3  This weekend H told me that son is visiting a hospital about 6 hours away and he and sis are gonna drive out to see him.  He asked if I would like to go along when they do.  I was floored and said yes.  Sis have some family on her 2nd h's side and she wants to visit them while we visit son.  WOW!

I know none of these things were easy for H.  I could hear and see the uneasiness in his voice.  Even when he ran out of here to mow...I said OK...see you at D's later.  No arguing.  No fuss.  Just go do what you gotta do and let me know the plans later.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So...how do I feel about all of this.  Actually at peace.  Very much at peace.  I have come to accept that H is still in replay.  I am trying to look at all the positives.  There are times when he could be with OW and instead he is spending it with sis and sis is documenting it and sharing it on snaps.

I accept that he could still be lying and I accept that he is still very secreative and there is nothing I can do about it.  I can't think about it or harbor on it because then I get anxiety and that I do not like.  So this is what I can control.  I can control my thoughts and when I can't...I can do things to control my thoughts.  I can distract myself.  I can meditate.  I can play loud music and sing and dance.  I can read.  I can do anything I want to change my thought pattern away from H. 

I can hope that H is making some small steps forward in the tunnel.  Based on his behavior last weekend...still a long way to go....but he can only get to the end my moving forward...small steps are better than no steps at all.  So I have to see that as a positive and a blessing.

When I consider last year to this year....huge differences in how we deal with each other.  Last year...total silence both ways.  I was dark and on the verge of no contact.  He was living with OW in another state and all appearances was that I was forgotten about.  Little did I know that at this time last year he put the wheels in motion to move home without her.  She didn't follow him back for two months.

I had a nice convo the last few days with several LBS friends.  We all decided how much better we all are too.  Our growth over the nearly last two years is astonishing.  Things we have done.  Ways we now feel.  How our detachment is still growing.  It still amazes us how we are contstantly bettering ourselves.  Once again....all positives.  All blessings.

Life is good if you want it to be...no matter what the circumstances.  All things can be good!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #51 on: August 25, 2019, 06:43:39 PM »
I’m really inspired by your last posts.  It’s not really until you look back at all of the little changes in the last year that you see how much you’ve grown and your h has inched through the tunnel.

I think that puts things into perspective.  Slow and steady with no expectations.  Very helpful post!  You seem to be doing very well!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #52 on: August 26, 2019, 05:14:21 AM »
Sam, lol As i am reading this latest update. (Kudos my dear, how very positive it all sounds for you) The only thing that went through my head was,
Wow, she must have one of the most immaculate looking yards with all that mowing! lol

I remember when exh did that too. He was over every week on his day off to take care of the grass and the pool. It was like clock work. More guilt than anything else, because it quickly turned into once a month to not again. Of course I'm sure a lot of OW doing.

Your growth is amazing...Positive does work when that positive is focused on you and your journey.

Hugs from over here
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #53 on: August 27, 2019, 07:15:06 AM »
Finding Joy -

I am so glad you were able to take something out of my ramblings.  I use this site as an online diary of sorts.  I keep track of H but I also like to keep track of me now too.

Another person on this forum pointed that out to me one time.  Focus my writings on me too.  It really helped.  My growth grew in leaps and bounds after that.  I had growth before but the deeper and darker issues started getting addressed when I tried to look at me too from the vantage point of how I looked at H also.

Observe myself more as an outsider.  Address the questions I ask in my head of H about myself too.

I still firmly believe that a PMA is a huge saving grace through all of this.

Hope is so important but building your own confidence to the point  where No Matter What I will be ok and actually knowing it is huge.  The more positive you can be and the more blessings you can find through it all is helpful to me.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #54 on: August 27, 2019, 07:55:57 AM »
Mrs. -

I have a beautiful yard.  This year we had a nice mix of rain and sun and heat so it is growing growing growing.  Typically by late July early August we are lucky if it needs cut once every two weeks.  We are usually running short on rain and high on sun and heat and the grass goes dormant for a period of time and sometimes browns up.

This year it has required two cuttings a week.  I have over an acre so that is a lot of green grass growing.  Weeds are even worse than the grass.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Right now it looks like there is a lot of good going on.  Yet there yet there is not.  I am prepping myself for the day when he makes that about turn again.  I refuse to let myself get sucked into the thoughts that he is pulling out of the tunnel early.  I have read about too many others where they make a small comeback just to go away again...usually longer and darker than before.

I can be realistic about all his shenanigans:

He is doing chores such as mowing and weed whacking.
He is saying he will do some projects at the house.
He comes to the house for family gatherings.
He semi keeps me informed about things with son. (when he doesn't he says Oh....I thought I told you)
He has mush brain.
He does things that seems to say look at me I am not the bad guy.
He seems to be spending less time with OW but he could just be hiding it if she changed shifts or something.  I don't know the OW status as I am avoiding phone records.
He goes through spurts where he feels comfortable at the house but then spurts where he seems afraid to walk through the doors.
He has provided a few hugs but I think they were guilt hugs since he was visiting son.  Most of the time he can't come within a few feet of me.
He sometimes laughs, smiles and jokes and other times he sits and plays on his phone like a grumpy SOB.
He surprises me at time with his comings but no longer surprises me with the silence in between or the sudden "I gotta go"  that happen.
He seems to be trying at times...asking questions then he seems like he doesn't care again.
He lets his phone in the car or laying around for the most part when he is around.  When he is on it...it is not constant texting.  Occassionally...but mostly mindless games again.
He occassionally talks to me about things in his life...neutral things...like work or projects or things with sis.  Not relationship things ever.
He occassionally talks to me about things financially he is thinking about.  Never follows up with his decisions.  I don't ask.

I am really truley seeing the Jekyl and Hide thing happening at this time.  I know he did a 180 personality wise but right now it is a hot/cold or a good/bad personality changes that occur at a snap.

Last night for instance....we were at the gymnasium at the same time.  Not together.  He didn't talk to me...didn't sit and chat...but borrowed my paddle and joked from a distance.  Near the end of the night...he acted like he was hurt and he was leaving early.  Out of concern...I said are you ok.  He says he is tired, achy and grumpy.  Thirty mins beforehand...he was laughing and joking with me and others and having fun.


I just know I gotta not read into any of this.  Maybe the pull to the ow is not as strong right now or maybe they are having issues causing him to cycle towards me as a fall back.  I am not trusting and not believing or letting me decieve myself that THIS IS IT! .  I just go with the flow and sit back and observe...not watch and wait.  Live and observe.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Anon

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #55 on: August 27, 2019, 09:27:24 AM »
It's good that you are not drawing any conclusions, Sam. Protect your heart, and believe that things may NOT be what they seem.   I've read of the MLC spouse getting noticeably friendlier just a few months ahead of their marriage to the ow.   Or back and forth but still in the end staying with the ow.   (Check out 1trouble's thread if you haven't already - her story is heartbreaking). 

My own situation - h draws near quite often but then scurries away as soon as ow beckens...   One day these AP's will lose their power and who knows then if they will draw near then and stay there.   

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #56 on: August 27, 2019, 10:07:43 AM »
Anon...I agree with you.  I can't predict what he is going to do now or in the future.

I enjoy each moment for what it is.  I stay positive and optimistic that there will an end to all of this someday.....just don't know when.

I have read the stories and reconnecting and there is none of that here.  It is all about what he wants and when.

I do what is best for me and he is doing what he thinks is best for him.  Time will tell.

Thanks for your support!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #57 on: September 03, 2019, 08:30:25 AM »
Whew...the last week flew by.  Been very busy!  Getting ready for fall.  Prepping to close the pool, do some maintenance at the house, having family in, blah blah blah. 

H Observances:  Has been pretty silent since the 25th.  Very distant.  Back to me not existing again for a few days.  Then BAM...there he is again.

He showed up at my office on 8.30.  I was off but in to do some things that needed finalized.  He came to use my spare computer and there I am.  Whoops.  I know he stops by and visits my OM.  They used to be sis-bro like.  Both of them hide it.  I know it is happening and just let it go.

Told me he was going looking for some things for the house and invited me along.  First time since July of 2018 that we were in the car together and went together to someplace public.

We talked about some items for the house and ideas of things to be done.

H has volunteered to close in my car port for the winter at his expense.  I offered to pay half and he declined.  He is doing all the leg work for it.  I am doing nothing.  He asked my opinion on color.  Since I don't really care, I let him pick it too.  Letting him have full and complete run of the project. 

So on Friday after the trip to the hardware store....he goes off.  An hour later, he shows up again and stayed at the house for an hour and helped me with some chores and finished mowing my lawn.  He does love to mow.

Saturday and Sunday...not a peep.

Monday - He showed for the family picnic.  He was happy go lucky and talked to my son in law and brother in law a lot.  He mentioned he is going out to visit d and gr kids tonight.  I guess SIL asked for some help and he said sure...why not. So he is actually going to help him more than to visit with family.  As for me, H said food is good and thanked me but other than that...I could have been a piece of dust on the floor....I just didn't matter.  He avoided me and I let him.

Later on that day, D, H and myself was involved in a group text and it was joking and having fun.  Later he thanked me for the fun and then went silent again.

I have observed many times before that H gravitates to SIL at times.  He cycles with him just as with everything else.  There are times when he wants to hang out with and talk to SIL.  It is really weird because he bad mouths SIL to me and then calls and talks to him like they are buddies.  H also acts more immature when he is in the SIL cycle and SIL can be rather immature at times too.

So, SIL is helping with my mower because it suddenly won't start.  Can jump it...but battery was checked and it is ok...so there is some other issue.  So now mower needs to go to the shop.  FUN FUN FUN.  H didn't volunteer to take it out and I didn't ask him.  I will figure out how to get it there Saturday.  All is good.  I am not worried.  H has a spare mower so if mine is in the shop, H can use his to mow my lawn for me.  He won't let me use the big one and I prefer not to either.  It is just too big and powerful and it is his baby.  LOL 






10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #58 on: September 03, 2019, 09:00:41 AM »
Reflections:

Two years ago - I can look back and see where H was grumpier than normal.  A bit distant.  I can see where there were gaps in times but he covered them well by telling me he was on a bike ride alone or hanging with a friend who was building a new house.  All lies of course.  Distancing was in full force and I was oblivious.  He was still in his normal routine.  We talked daily.  We shared.  We visited with our grandson.  We talked.  We planned.  We were intimate.  All seemed ok.  I felt that we were happy overall even though he was grumpy and dealing with physical issues.

One year ago - Last year on this date, we were celebrating the 2nd birthday of grandson.  We had a wonderful day...family and friends were visiting at my house.  Swimming, eating having a great time.  D mentioned to MIL that she was upset that her father didn't attempt to try to make the birth of D or the party for GS. 

Little did we know, that H was on his way back from another State where he had moved with OW.  He accepted a position at his old job (the one he hated and quit to move) and he had plans to move into his parents house.  OW stayed away and didn't join him for two months.  Come to find out later that his immediate family knew but he didn't tell anyone else besides his co-worker that he was coming home.  Not a word to D and this hurt her so much.  Very sad.

Leading up to the move back, H spoke to me 2 times over the prior two months period and only because he needed something.  Prior to leaving he said he would be in contact because he could and would.  I didn't expect it and I was not disappointed. 

Sadly, those two months were probably the best two months of all of this fiasco.  I had worries.  No wondering if I was gonna run into them.  No wondering what other bad news he was gonna drop.  Nothing seemed to be much worse than him leaving to move 16 hours away to be with the woman he thought he "luved".

Some of my best growth happened during this time because I really did LET GO of all the mlc crap during this time.  I had no worries.  I knew that I still loved him and Letting him go was my gift to him.  I had to let him try this craziness that he was driven to.

Yes there was still pain...always will be...but I also knew I was giving him the gift he was asking for.  I loved him enough to let him go and let him grow, heal, learn, love, etc.

Even now....he comes, he goes.  He stays in touch, he distances and avoids.  It is a process.  I still love him enough to let him do what he has to do.  I won't be the one putting pressure on him.  I am still working at the art of letting go.  Staying detached is easier and easier because when I don't, I am the one who suffers the pains so detaching is for me and helps me and me alone.

Crazy crap this MLC life is.  No matter what...all will be good again.  Actually is much better now than last year and each day the sun rises and I get out of bed is a better day than the one before it.

It is that way because that is what I choose for me.  Now is the time for me taking care of me and me doing for me.  I am getting really good at it too!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Evermore

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #59 on: September 05, 2019, 02:56:07 PM »
Love your attitude SIA. Thanks for leading the way.
M: 49
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #60 on: September 05, 2019, 03:03:29 PM »
Love your attitude SIA. Thanks for leading the way.

Totally agree!
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #61 on: September 08, 2019, 11:59:17 AM »
Evermore and Rose - Thank you ladies.  I see nothing good in being a negative Nelly.  The only person I hurt is me.

I have been trying to come up with different sayings...motivational things.  The one for this week is:

A negative can be a positive.

My thoughts are that a negative is only a negative if I let it be.  I can get sucked down by it or look for the blessings and concentrate on those things.  That is what I want to do.  Find the good.  Find the blessings.  Find the positives.  Negatives can teach valuable lessons...hence it is a positive.

That is where my attitude comes from.  I actively seek the good!  Not unrealistically....but I won't let the bad suck the life out of me either.

FYI:  My saying for next week is PAIN will cause CHANGE!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #62 on: September 08, 2019, 12:27:12 PM »
Journal Updates:

Looks like I have not been here since Tuesday...I think.  Nothing monumental happening in my world.  So here is some info as I remember it:

9.3 H was to visit D and family in the evening and help SIL with a project.  He was at the house waiting and SIL advised him he was running late so he left and came to my place.  Got my mower working.  Yeah!  Said he didn't want to wait around at D's waiting for them to show up later so he left.  Told SIL...never told D. 

9.4  Called me to tell me he was at the house to pick up some food for D.  I told him what all to take.  He was going out to help SIL this night and have supper with the family.  Send me a snap of GD being goofy.  It was really cute.

After this convo he went silent again.  No convos, snaps nothing until Saturday 9.7.

9.7 we celebrated GS BDay.  He showed up.  Took GS and ran some errands before the party started.  Later he needed to pick up the pizza.  He said I could go along to help hold them so I did.  When we got back...I went my way and did my thing.  When it was time to eat.  I got my plate and sat down.  H went and got his food and plopped down across from me.  Still weird when he does this.  He doesn't talk to me really.  He is just there but he sits across from me.  Luckily my parents also joined us and that kept H involved in convos.  At one point GS sat beside H and I was able to get a really really really good pic of them.  H actually smiled.  The real true fun loving smile that I used to see.  Not the stroke victim smile that has been his smile for the last two years.  This was the real things.  From the heart smile.  Hope to see it more often!  After the party, H was silent the rest of the day.

9.8  Come home from church and H is at the house.  He knew I was doing some winterizing today and he came and helped.  When we were done he had me help him with the car port project he is undertaking.  In the past I would have nose in and readily supplied my opinion on better ways to do things.  Now, I told him this is his project...I am here to be his labor just direct me in what he needs help with.  He did.

He stayed for lunch, said he had to get ready to go.  Grabbed his change of clothes from the car and took a shower here.  When done, he asked me to find some instructional u tube videos for him if I have time later.  Some stuff that would help him with the carport.  Then he was gone.  Poof!  I know he is coming back tomorrow to work on the carport an he advised me he may be bringing a friend with him.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reflections:  The H of old was always a get it done type of man.  When a chore or project was started, it was completed.  For the last two years, H would talk the talk.  Gonna do this.  Gonna do that.  This needs done.  That needs done.  He just never followed through with any of it. 

I can't say it is completed because it is just underway, but IF H finishes the carport project, then this will be the first project he saw through to completion in well over two years.  I would even say over 3 years.  I can look back and see that 1 to 2 years before BD is when he started talking about this that and the other thing but never ever finalizing anything.  Just talk.

Up to know he has been assisting me when I needed help with projects....this one is his project.  From start to end.  I am here to lend support but he has to take the lead.

I can see where my thoughts on doing it better could have been seen as controlling and I was probably taking the wind out of his sails in the past few years.  Combine this with him entering the MLC pool and I can now understand why he didn't finish.  Now that I know what I was doing....I can be cautious not to make suggestions when he is not open to them.  Let him take the lead and only when he is stuck and open to ideas should I make them.

I know we used to be able to throw ideas back and forth.  One day I hope to get there again.  However, while he is still suffering from a fragile ego, I also need to back off and give him the opportunity to gain confidence again.  Actually it make working together much easier and also it was stress free for me.  I just did what he said.  Sometimes it is really nice not taking on all the responsibility or being in the leadership role.  Sometimes it is really nice to be just a minion and just do for the fun of it!

That is part of the new me who has learned about control.  Controling my desire to be part of the decision making on everything.  I dont need it and I don't always want it now either.  I gladly let someone else take on that role.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline DCD

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #63 on: September 10, 2019, 07:21:58 AM »
Dear Lord, Sam...you have a Grade A Clinger!  Not easy to maneuver with a cling-on, but you're doing it beautifully! Enjoy your day :)
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #64 on: September 10, 2019, 12:32:13 PM »
DCD.....Do I have a clinger?  I never really thought of him as a clinger.  He doesn't talk the way they say a clinger talks.  He hangs around then goes away.  Ugh!

I think he is more attached to the house and always has been.  He loved that place before he left.  We put a lot of sweat equity into gutting and repairing it and making it exactly what we wanted.

I am sure I am wrong, but I just feel like the things he does is more for the house.  Many times he just comes around when I am not there.

Anyhow....whatever he is he still isn't out of Fantasy Land yet and I have have no intentions of visiting him there either.

My hat is off to you...you have had quite a long journey.  Happy to see some good coming of things for you!

Take care!    SAM
« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 12:37:15 PM by Sam I Am »
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #65 on: September 10, 2019, 12:36:03 PM »
Update on latest project:

H is 80% finished.  He did all of it in one day with little help.  I gave him about 30 minutes of my time but only because he asked.  Would have gave more but I wasn't offering it up and he didn't ask until he realized he was running out of daylight.

He had to stop because he ran out of materials.  Asked me to pick some more up on my way home.  I will to it.  Says he hopes to do more later this week and finish it up.  This is the key....finishing it.

He is taking pride in it for sure.  He is doing a great job and I am happy that 1 - An old dream we had is finally coming true and 2 - He intends to finish all but the end pieces because he has to go back and buy them.

Yeah!

So...he is off today but not available.   That is all I have to say  My mind wants to wonder and I won't let it.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Milly

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #66 on: September 11, 2019, 01:18:11 AM »
Hi Sam, just catching up. I have to say you are doing amazingly well at backing off. You have really been doing your mirror work and it appears to be what your H needed from you, too. Hope he finishes the project, that would be a sign. Funny how little things that people in RL would think meaningless mean so much to us. Actually they are signs of where the MLCer is at. With mine it's his clothes and punctuation (or not) when he emails. Silly little things but we are so sensitive to them.

I would say your H is a clinger, too. I believe a Clinger is more about him having constant contact with the LBS and not about what he says. Yours is over every week, or in contact several times a week. That's a clinger alright.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #67 on: September 11, 2019, 12:43:26 PM »
Milly....thanks so much for your input!   I have a Clinger....whoop whoop!  Oh well.   Clinger or not doesn't change the fact that he is still so deep in replay.  It just helps me to see it easily because he is around so much.

Examples:

Last night SIL called to talk while he was driving.  He was tired and needed someone to help keep him awake.  SIL was telling him something and then H turned the subject around and instead of listening so SIL could talk and stay away, it was H talking about the project and what all he accomplished.

Convo's always seem to come back around to only what H wants to talk about.  If it is something else, you can clearly see him getting bored or getting antsy and ready to talk about something of interest to him.  Geez!

So he comes around....he does things....he brings me food...but he goes away and goes back to OW.  This is no easy task...I just keep reminding myself that he is in the tunnel and blinded by the darkness.

It is not easy because sometimes he is so stinking normal...then it is back to being weird again in his ways of speech, facial expressions and thought processed.  Never know what personality you get to contend with.  Luckily the grouchy monster has never hung around long.  Only a few outbursts near the beginning.

So Milly...I have to back off.  I realized near the beginning that I love him and the only thing I can do for him is let him go to find his happiness.  Potentially we all know he is looking in the wrong places, but he has to figure this out himself. Anything I have to say will fall on death ears and just make me look like a sore looser so why even bother.  Keep my thoughts to myself in front of him and share my frustrations here and with the FAB 5.   So I am giving him what he wants....freedom to live his life and pursue his dreams and in time fall flat and figure out how to get back up and right things in his own life.

I back off and give him this space for me too.  Sometimes after a flurry of visits....I relish my ME time.  My time when I am not focused on him at all.  Time for me to re-energize and prep for the next round.  Time for me to reflect what went right and what went wrong.  Time for me to look at triggers and how I dealt with them.  Time for me to reflect on me and where I am going in the future.  Time to just enjoy the moments.  Most importantly....time to get massages and really relax and chill!

Anyhow..hope you are doing well....I drop in and catch up on your thread.  I don't say much.  I find it hard to say much to those who are in front of me.  Not that I don't support you...but there s nothing I can add usually that others have not already said.  I still read and I continue to be amazed by the strength of so many LBS here.  No matter what is happening, we just keep getting up and moving forward over time.

Take care!   Sam!


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #68 on: September 11, 2019, 03:01:13 PM »
Good for you Sam with your fab updates. I too am reading away and sometimes don’t comment but always enjoy keeping up to date.

Is he still seeing OW for sure? Hard to know I know

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #69 on: September 12, 2019, 08:57:41 AM »
Rose....Thank you!  Sometimes I think that reading and not responding is also a sign of my growth.  I don't need to comment on everything.  When I do comment it is usually because of a bond I have with someone (bi-lateral support bond) or because I have a strong opinion about the topic/discussion.

The majority of threads here I really enjoy reading.  Some people have quite the wit through all of this.

Some are so sad and I feel such empathy because I can relate.

The ones I don't enjoy, I avoid like the plague.  Those that off like they are owed something from their spouse.  Those that let anger grow deep and dark in them and bitterness is exuding in every word they type.  I feel for those people but I also choose to avoid them.

I want happy even when things are bad.  I love to see the growth that occurs over time and cheer those people on.  We all know it is not easy but it is rewarding!  I love the sister/brother hood that I have developed with several people here.  Many I will never meet in person or talk to but if they are in need, they can PM, text or email me anytime. 

Anyhow, my squirrel moment again, I read, I feel and I don't feel the need to respond to everyone all the time.  I wish everyone here well.



As for OW and H.....I know she is still involved in his life in some manner.  She is not totally gone YET.  Someday it will happen. How do I know.....people are quick to leak things to me.  I have a lot of support from family and friends.  Her cousin (albeit not close) gets word from other family and tell me things.  Not everything...but major things.  Like she moved back to our area.  Where she is working (not the exact place but the town), pics of her on FB which happen to coordinate to profile pics of H being in the same area. 

They are both hiding the relationship still to this day.  Her FB page still says she lives out of state when she moved back.  I guess this is all good.  His disappears and goes off grid and thinks no one notices.  Childish ways of doing things.  Anymore it is quite comical.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #70 on: September 14, 2019, 08:05:24 AM »
Project Update:

It is done!  It was finished yesterday! He started it Monday....went off radar Tues to Thursday and then showed up yester.  Yeah!  There is some additional work that needs done but it is going to wait until next year because it was no included in this phase.  It can't be done this year because other things needs done before it is done. 

Yes...I am excited.  H completed a project.  Interesting time while he was there too.

Yesterday he also called me out of the blue and asked me to bring the weed whacker to work.  I had plans of doing my trimming at my office.  He said he would do it.  I do believe my office mate leaked to H what I was doing.  He hasn't helped at the office since prior to BD.  Now he wants to help.  The day before a big community event he decides to show up and help. 

So upon completion and just prior to leaving, H says out of the blue, as he looks at the house,  I still love this place.  I want to make sure it is maintained.  I didn't know if I should be happy or appalled.  Happy because he still loves something or appalled that he potentially implied I am not doing enough maintenance.  I just smiled---yet part of me wanted to slap him.   Then he started talking about other things he wanted to do.  Just little things.

Then I said to him, if money were no object, what would be your dreams and he started to list them off.  The same dreams we had prior to BD.  Those that I had a 5 year plan for and he had a 2 year plan for and since they weren't done in the two years, that was another reason for him leaving back then.  Smhhhhh!

Then he tells me that if he really won the lottery big, he would give the house away.  I relied....Oh yeah?  Where am I to live?   He stuttered and then said if he wins that big he is moving to son's area.  Oh.  Weird to say the least.

He also informed me that if he wins big enough he would give each of the kids and myself 25% of the winnings.  Nice of him!

So we had a nice chat and off he goes.  Had to get read for a ball tournament we were both participating in.  He talked to me during the tourney and gave me pointers to improve my game.  Told me good players to watch and try to emmulate them.  Nice stuff actually.

So H is in a cycle of giving right now.  He was just doing...now it is doing and giving.   Gave me the gift of the project.  Gave me some food the other day.  Just dropped it off at the house.  I actually thanked his sister...I thought it was from her.  Last night he gave me his ball paddle.   It's nice but yet it feels weird.  Many times I don't know how to react other than just saying thank you or offering money towards it.  He always refuses.  Nothing is obnoxious and there is no strings to it, so I let it be for now.

BTW....he is mowing my grass again today while I am at an event.  I just feel like I should be paying him as a handyman!  LOL


Hope you all have a good weekend. 
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #71 on: September 16, 2019, 06:28:56 AM »
…..and POOF he is gone leaving another trail of devastation.

Friday he accomplished a task.  We talked and reminissed.  He was near normal H again.  Smiling...laughing...joking...enjoying!

Saturday he mowed my lawn and took care of my dogs.

Sunday I had the grandkids visiting and D let him know around 11.  He called to say he was on his way.  GS heard this and went to the front door and stood and waited for him for 20 mins.  He got there....GS hugged him and wouldn't let go.  He finally got him down and GS asked him to push him in the swing.  Then he pushed GD.  While he is doing all of this he is pointing out things he did on Saturday that I overlooked.  He asked about my Saturday event.  Then he said he had to be to work in an hour and had to go and mow his parents yard before he went to work.  Really? 

I just said ok.  He hugged both GKs and took off.

When he arrived I knew where he came from.  He lives 10 mins from me and when he is coming he says he will be over.  Over because he is west of me. He said he would be "UP" then stuttered and said I'll be there in 15 mins but took him almost 25.  Also OW lives south of me by about 30 mins.  Hmmm.  The blatent secrecy.  Can't say he was lying.  He was hiding!  He also mentioned that he couldn't get away any sooner than what he did.  I would love to know what he told OW.  I know he had to lie.  He is not allowed to spend time with his family but can do with hers whenever she wants.  Oh my....tis his decision.  I don't like it but I don't have to live with his decisions either.  Only mine!

Anyhow...he stayed about 20 mins then was gone.

From the moment he arrived he was different.  No smiles....ok  fake smiles...not the real ones like I have been seeing.  He was antsy.  Wouldn't come in the house.  Wanted to stay outside on the carport.  Wouldn't sit and get comfortable.  He stood and didn't stand still.  Just like he was not feeling like he wanted to be there.  First opportunity to flee...he was gone.

Later yesterday I cried.  I don't cry very often anymore.  I didn't cry for me.  I expected this to happen.  I cried for the GKs.  I cried for GS who wanted more time with him and was denied because H couldn't handle it.  I cried for H because of the things he is missing. 

Sadly I seen some of the real H pop up for a short time and then I saw him disappear again.  He is not back to black shark eyes but he is back to darkness.  The joy was gone from his facial expressions.  He was just overall not there.  There seemed to be a fear about him.  A fear of being happy there with the GKs or maybe of fear of seeing the good times again like we experienced recently.

Either way....I know what I have to do.  I just keep observing.  I let him go to do his thing.  I leave him alone to pursue whatever it is he needs to pursue with the hopes that each time he does he thinks more of the good he is missing with us and there is more misery with the other life he has.

In the meantime....I have my life and although I would love H to be part of it....I don't need him to be a part of it. 

I have some extra time heading into winter and I am thinking of picking up a job where I can do some work from home.  I used to be a teacher.  I was recently brought to my attention that there are some online teaching jobs available.  I may pursue this again.  I love to help others and what I better way than teaching adults who don't speak English...English.

I think this will be a great way to pass time this winter when I just can't spend as much time outside.  Something I am looking forward to trying.  Something rewarding yet bringing in some extra money.  Something fun!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #72 on: September 16, 2019, 03:38:50 PM »
I love your idea of getting an on line job. Extra money, no stress and keeps the mind busy - perfect!

It’s difficult seeing so much of your H and working out when he’s saying only half truths. I’m so sorry you cried but it is good for you and healthier than falsely being up beat so hopefully it’s not required again for a while. Sometimes it’s easier not seeing so much of them I find.

It is a bit of a thought going into another winter alone. I find I am not able to relax quite as much as the house is resting on my shoulders if you like. If the roof falls in I need to catch it! It’s nice to know though that I am strong enough to do just that, as are you.

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Acorn

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #73 on: September 16, 2019, 05:19:23 PM »
O my dear Sam...  (((((HUGS))))))
It sometimes just crashes ashore and you need to let the tears flow.  It can be cathartic, and don’t I know it?!  Done it too many times.

You sprang up afterwards and got going with your life, even planning for the winter job! 
That’s Sam I know and admire. 

More (((((HUGS))))))
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #74 on: September 17, 2019, 06:59:36 AM »
Garbage In---Garbage Out

I was reading a daily motivational snippet today and in it it talked about Garbage In and Garbage Out regarding how we think.

I first heard this saying when I was in college and learning computer programming.  Never thought more about it since then.  Never considered how it could be applied to my life.

Now reading it this morning and applying it to my own thinking made a ton of sense.  After all, isn't our brains one BIG COMPLEX computer?

So related to garbage in and MLC.....

If I let my mind wonder to places it shouldn't go....if I fill my head with negative thoughts...if I believe the worst or even just consider the worst....if I listen to negativity around me....if if if


Then what is coming out is not good either.  My brain takes all of this and my body exudes it.  Then I continue on the negative  train of though...then other things in my life suffer because I am not at my best..then I start to live my life according the "worst" that could happen...then, then, then.  Physically I have the negativity in my body.  It will also suck me down.  Make me tired perhaps...keep me from doing things I want or need to do.  Keep me from spending time on me or my family or taking care of those things that are important to me.  I believe that enough "garbage" can also make my physicially ill.  Maybe not make me but keep me from healing when I do get sick. 

All kinds of bad things can happen if I fill my head with garbage.

OR

I can recognize the negative but find ways not to dwell on it.  Recognize but not run!  I can be realistic and tell myself this is not good BUT....but I can't let it rule my life or I can find something good in it.  I can prepare myself for bad things but not live my life EXPECTING the bad.  Just like I can be aware a fire can destroy my house...I can take precautions...I can still live a life and not sit at home with a garden hose expecting it to burn down around me any minute.

That is the difference to me between being realistic and recognizing the Garbage is there or letting the garbage rule my life.  I choose not to live expecting the worse.  I see the possibilities but I can also rationalize that it may not happen.  I am not letting the garbage in life suck the live out of me.

So...I see the garbage...I don't let the garbage in....I deal with the garbage and then I take the trash out and let the good and wholesame guide me daily.


Wow...a lot of thinking on this.  Sorry again for my rambling....these are the moments of growth for me.  Just little things that make me think and pounding on the keyboard is therapeutic in a way.  My thoughts come out and I move onward and upward!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #75 on: September 17, 2019, 07:18:46 AM »
Rose - As always...thank you for your support through this!  You are one special person!  Always there for someone else with just the right words.  I admire you!


Quote
I love your idea of getting an on line job. Extra money, no stress and keeps the mind busy - perfect!

I agree.  I used to be a couch potato.  All I did was what I had to do and then spend my life on the couch with H.  We both enjoyed the same shows...We both used spare time just watching tv but we were doing it together.

Now....I could care less about watching TV.  I have considered eliminating it but there are a few shows I watch now and then....if it wasn't for recording them and watching them as I go about the house doing other things...I wouldn't even watch tv.  I have gone weeks without turning it on.

So yes....something to do....something to keep my mind busy....something to bring in some fun money would be awesome!

[quoteIt’s difficult seeing so much of your H and working out when he’s saying only half truths. I’m so sorry you cried but it is good for you and healthier than falsely being up beat so hopefully it’s not required again for a while. Sometimes it’s easier not seeing so much of them I find. ][/quote]

I have learned when he is in the "FUNK" that it is better for me to not see him.  For him to not come around.  I hate to see the overall darkness that envelopes him.  The look of no one being home.  The almost fear when he looks at me like I am going to say or do something to put him on the spot.  The tenseness that goes to his core.   I hate seeing all that and I feel so much empathy for him.

I do enjoy the more normal moments and although they are few and far between...when they happen it is awesome. 

So I enjoy those moments knowing they are fleeting but with hope that they come more and more and for longer periods of time.....someday!


Quote
It is a bit of a thought going into another winter alone. I find I am not able to relax quite as much as the house is resting on my shoulders if you like. If the roof falls in I need to catch it! It’s nice to know though that I am strong enough to do just that, as are you.

Yes you are strong and you are getting through this and you are an excellent rolemodel for your children.

We can all get through this if we follow the wise advise from those who have been there.  Not easier but everyday we are better and stronger.

As for winter....it doesn't bother me.  I used to love the cold but that was 90 lbs ago.  Without all that insulation, it is tougher to take.  I still love the snow and playing in it and cleaning up after a snow storm and even shoveling.  The wind, the sub zero temps/chill factor I struggle with now.

I need things to keep me busy in the winter.  I am not crafty so inside things are limited for me.  Work....challenging my mind....that excites and thrills me.  Boredom is bad for me.  I think of things and get in trouble.  Now MLC things....my mind just doesn't stop so I tend to think of projects or things to keep me busy and that usually costs me money.  So I would rather make money than spend money just to stay busy.  LOL!


Rose....thank you for everything!  Keep your head up and keep moving forward!  I believe in you!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #76 on: September 17, 2019, 08:03:03 AM »
Acorn - Thank you for the cyber hugs.  Some right back at you!


Quote
It sometimes just crashes ashore and you need to let the tears flow.  It can be cathartic, and don’t I know it?!  Done it too many times.

I agree.  Sometimes it is a great cleansing too.  Just caving for a few mins and letting it all out.  Face it....deal with it....move onward and upward!


Quote
You sprang up afterwards and got going with your life, even planning for the winter job! 
That’s Sam I know and admire. 


Yep yep yep...this is the way life has to be.  MLC or not...I am not letting his bad decisions ruin my happiness and my life.  I refuse to let this suck me down.

I may not like how things are....but I can change what I can change...I can still do...I can still enjoy the only life I was given to the best of my ability.

One of these days he will sh*t or get off the pot and get on with his life too.   

Until then....I am not spending my days on the crapper.....NOPE  won't do it!


Thanks
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #77 on: September 25, 2019, 07:03:48 AM »
Hi All!  Been busy and didn't realize how much time lapsed since I was last on here. 

Not much happening my world.  I have been living and doing and enjoying things as best as possible.

Working on the job thing...in between doing my real job.  Dealing with some minor health issues.  Spending time with family and trying to force myself to do the outside work that needs done before cold weather invades my world.  I am really procrastinating.  Some because they are boring jobs.  Some because I am busy and have to fit them in here and there and some because I really don't want to face winter.  Used to love winter.  Now I struggle.  I can't deal with the cold as much as I used to.

One way over another...mother nature is being kind and the weather is holding out for the next few weeks for me to get it done slowly and surely.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In MLC world...the SAGA continues. 

H disappeared for a time being.  Not even sure how long.  Longer than the normal 2 or 3 days.  A few texts here and there but he seemed very short and I was happy to not deal with him.

A few days ago...he reappears.  Wanted me to meet him at our home because he needed help with a project.  I was going home after work anyhow so it was no biggie.  He had come by and started and nearly finished another project he was thinking about.  Last 15 mins needed 4 hands vs 2 so I helped.  As always we had fun but he was not as fun.  More reserved.  Seemed more distracted.  I was happy...another project towards winterization DONE!

Later that same night he went to pickleball.  He missed the last few sessions because he had "other" woman things to do.  He doesn't admit it.  I know it.  I can tell by his mannerisms when it is OW vs other things.  He is so obvious and doesn't realize it.  Anyhow..he showed up at pickleball.  First time we got teamed together and we played well.  He sat and talked to me during round 2 and four.  Starting in round 6, he would come off the court...grab his phone and sit in the corner of the bleachers away from everyone else.  Didn't socialize at all.  Just sat there with his phone.  Of course I was watching out of the corner of my eye...but didn't let on.  I stayed with the groups and stayed chatty with others until it was time to go back on the court.


If you remember previously, H wanted to give me his racquet cause he was gonna buy a new one.  I was opposed to this but he insisted on letting it with me for several weeks.  This week he mentioned he was not gonna buy a new one.  So I went on Amazon right in front of him and purchased a new raquet for me.  Mine has a flaw and is not good for me as i advance.  Just one of those things.  I told him no biggie.

After pickleball, I told H I was helping out D and picking up the GKs early the next day from the babysitter.  H said to me he had plans  but he was gonna get his chores done and stop by to see the GKs afterwards.  Then he floored me by asking me to host supper for the family at my house.  Whoa!  I told him I would talk to D and get back to him.  She agreed and I told the two of them to figure out what we were to eat.  We ended up having a nice family meal  He was there 4 hours.  Kids left and he stayed an extra 30 mins.  I actually got to tell him a few things I had been wanting to share with him.  He was open to what I said.  Hugged me then started to tear up.  Said he was sorry about our sitch but it is what it is.  Then through tears said I can't talk about this right now.
I told him that was ok.  I didn't expect him to talk, I just needed him to hear what I had to say.  Another hug, then he said he had to go.  While walking to the car, he started talking on a different issue and talked 10 mins more.  Told me he was still thinking about selling his MC...using that money to pay off his truck loan and maybe saving up for another bike or something else in the future.

So odd....the summer prior to BD...this man just HAD to have the MC.  He was gonna do anything to have a MC.  Now he has it.  Hardly rode it this summer and still talking about selling and maybe or maybe not replacing it in the future with another MC.  Wow.  I just let him talk and tell him to do what is best for him!

So he left finally.  I was filling good that I got something said that needed to be said but I was also realistic that it would probably drive him away.  I was ok with that too.  What I did I did for me.  It was something I needed for me.  I was willing to accept the consequences...even if he ran off again.

An hour later, he started a snap convo about pizza.  That continued for an hour.  Ok...very odd but this is MLC so ODD is the new NORM!

So today, I continue with my life and let H continue with his.  I feel better and feel confident in me.  My marriage....it is all in God's hands.  I surrender more and more each day.  Not easy...I fight for control but I also come to realize more and more the flaws we both had and how they need to be fixed before a marriage would ever be possible.  So as I worry about fixing me....H is stil replaying his life and he has got to do what he has go to do.


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #78 on: September 30, 2019, 08:42:40 AM »
Journal Update:

After a serious convo last Tuesday....H disappeared for a few days.  All is good.  I am well.  Feeling good because I got something off my chest and it didn't matter to me what he though.  I needed to say it and I am better because of it.

So late Thursday night I get a text from H.  H told me about the son of a retired collegue of his passing.  We chatted back and forth about it.  I didn't personally know the person but had heard stories about him over the years. (History that we have that none of the OW's share with him).  So for some reason he wanted to tell me about it and kept going on and I let him.  When he was done....I kindly said that although it was sad...I was glad he shared with me.  He only responded good night and we were done.   

Late Saturday night I get a call that friend P (who used to be part of our triple couples that all went and did things together) lost their doggie.  He called just to tell me about it then started onto other things.  One of the things was a pity party about his job.  It's not what he really wanted but sometimes in life you just have to suck things up type of comment.   In the middle of the convo....my phone died....crashed and burned is more like it.   So all communication is done for us for now as I am phoneless for a few days.

Yesterday he did use and IM to find out if my phone was fixed.  I kindly replied it died and I am waiting for a replacement several days out.  He then told me he was busy this AM but could check in on my dogs in the afternoon.  Told him I knew he had plans (he told me during a text earlier this week)  so I reached out to his sister and she committed.  Gonna be interesting to see who actually shows today.  H said one of them would take care of them for me.

So still the same old same old in MLC land.  No contact for 4 days last week then BAM....he is there when he has a reason then off again.  I just let it all go.  I see this pattern has been holding steady for some time.  Ok....it is his pattern and if he is stuck there, he has to figure it out.

It no longer bothers me.  Yeah for me.  I used to look forward to hearing from him after a few days.  After I said my peace last week.....this have changed inside me.  It is weird.  Things mean even less now.  I tell myself it is because I cleared my conscience and it released something in me that took away a connection I had to H.  It is not a bad thing.  I feel freer and lighter now.  Less burdened is one way...yet in another less troubled to think about MLC and H as much.  So glad I worked up the courage to deal with what I needed to deal with with H. 

Please understand...I still love H.  I still want a marraige resurrected someday.  I miss the fun loving, family loving man of old.  I miss the real H.  I really don't like the bump on the log that he is becoming right now.  The man who is there just to do things for me but doesn't really care.  The man that doesn't reach out to see the GKs unless it is good for him.  The man who sometimes just doesn't seem to care about much at all.  The man that wants attention from as many woman as possible and really seems committed to none.  He can stop looking for attention from me.  I am finding more of my strength each and every day.

Right now it appears that it didn't hurt anything when I spoke my peace and even if it did...I was prepared to handle it.  As he says all the time....it is what it is.

I really hate that saying. It is his MLC motto that appeared out of nowhere right after BD.   It just seems like he is so accepting of the good and the bad and not willing to try to work on anything....just meh....whatever....who cares.

Well you know what.....I don't just accept it is what it is.  If I don't like something, I have the control of myself to make changes.  I don't have to say...whatever and just let life roll over me.

I can say What?....I don't like that and I can change how I deal with it.  I agree acceptance of things you can't control is good.  I believe that accepting things that you can control is more of a defeatist attitude and that is what I am seeing in H right now.  And that just came to me.  He is accepting all of this like this is the life that has been dealt to me and it may not be good but it is all I have and I am not willing to improve....just roll over and take it type of tude.  Yeah...I am not gonna live life that.  He can.  That is his choice and although I want more for him....he has to want it for himself. 

Oh....that is not me.  He can wallow there if he chooses.....not me.  I am taking control of me.  That is what matters.  Doing for me what is good and right!  Letting all else go!  I can do this!  I am really getting the hang of it and LOVE LOVE LOVE how it makes me feel.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #79 on: September 30, 2019, 03:13:38 PM »
Sam

Lovely to get your update. I did read the last post and feel bad I didn’t comment as it was a bit of a biggie. Him hugging you and saying sorry for the sitch just now and tearing up. It is what it is, agh!

You are handling this all so well. I know you don’t find it easy but you are doing as good as you can. Hopefully H propels himself forward a bit after your heart to heart. Glad you said what you needed to.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #80 on: October 01, 2019, 08:03:21 AM »
Oh Rose....Please don't worry and fret over not responding.  I don't post her to get reactions.  I post to get things out of my system.  Once I start typing things just flow and help me release.

As for it being a biggie.....I just don't know.  He is so lost and it is so sad.  There is a part of me that wants to run away from him yet there is a part of me that likes to see the show unfold.  I don't mind peeking in as long I can stay detached and not let his shennanigans hurt me.  I feel confident right now I am at that point.  I am sure this will change as things change and I will adapt at that time and do what I need to do for me.  Protect me....help me to continue to grow. Continue to live my life without my ex best friend. 

I can look back and see so much change yet I can see how some things didn't change at all.  I fear seeing him hurt.  That I don't want to see, yet I know he has to hurt so he can learn and grow.  Just like I had to hurt after BD so that I would make the changes I needed to make to become a better person through all this!

  I miss the fun loving man I used to know and occassionally I see glimpses of this.  Then I see the selfish man who I don't know and I just want to slap him along side the head and tell him to get his crap together he is loosing his family and doesn't care. 

Just really weird.  Another day....another opportunity!  Time marches on!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #81 on: October 02, 2019, 07:06:55 AM »
In the world of MLC, I don't get to post a lot of positives.  I have one to post today!  Yeah!

My H gave my D a hug last night!  He initiated it!   First one since October of 2018 when she was in for surgery and he was with her before she went in.

She was blown away and very happy!

We both know this probably won't last.....but just it happening is awesome!  So happy for her!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #82 on: October 02, 2019, 08:09:29 AM »
Yeah a hug!! Good on him.

🤗
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #83 on: October 02, 2019, 09:15:06 AM »
Rose - Weird how such a little thing just made her day.  He pulled away from her worse than he pulled away from me.  So sad.  However, she is a strong young lady and is fighting through this too.

She knows it could be another year before another comes...she just enjoyed for what it was. 


So Rose....how are you really doing?  You doing ok?  IM me if you just want to chat or vent!  Just take care of you! 

You are also one strong woman and your H is in such a bad place that he can't see it!  So sad!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Milly

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #84 on: October 10, 2019, 12:55:19 AM »
Lovely your D got a hug from H! So lovely to imagine her face and yours. Little steps and far between but still progress.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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