Author Topic: My Story Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months  (Read 2019 times)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1563
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
My Story Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2019, 08:23:58 AM »
UM - LOL!  Never heard that one!  Lord only knows what goes on in his head.  He certainly does not share.  Only things he has talked to me about more than once has been financials and his goals and plans.  Other than that....I am the creepy cootie infested monster.  He certainly does not trust me.  Sad!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1563
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2019, 08:28:15 AM »
Rose - Thanks for joining along.  As for the start of the new thread....it was bound to happen.  Things have to get worse before they get better.  He has been in too many up cycles.  Can't put my finger on it but something is just not right.  Just my gut talking.

As for OW2 - time will tell.   I hope she isn't anything either....but something is strange.  If she was just a friend....then say it.  If she is more...then say it too.  Get it over and done with.

I know...they are in MLC and can't admit to anything.  Super sad!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline exhausted

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 169
  • Gender: Female
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2019, 09:28:39 AM »
Good job on the boundary, Sam!! You are right that your home is your sanctuary and you should feel emotionally safe there. You have to maintain some control for yourself.

<<hugs>>
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1563
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #13 on: July 30, 2019, 11:17:30 AM »
Update:

So, Colorado and I had an opportunity to talk without H being around.  Was talking about some friends from HS and the reunion.  I came right out and asked her how close she and G were.

She told me they were pretty close in middle school then lost each other and just started to pick up their friendship and talk more in the last few mos.

I have seen G's FB.  She friended me.  I swear she is is MLC.  Some really nice pics and then pics with the LOOK.  No smile.  Dark eyes.  Sullen looking.

I asked Colorado if she was ok based on those pics.  She told me she has a lot to bear right now.

-First marriage was not good and ended badly.  She implied it was abusive but didn't come out and say it.
-One S is involved in drugs and currently in prison.
-She married her current H about 12 years ago and thought for sure she found her forever mate.  Her true love.  He was recently diagnosed with a lung disease which will hamper and shorten his life.
-She has a demanding position taking care of those with special needs.  Those with issues.  Those who need extra care.  Those who face a lot of issues.

I agree...she has a lot to bear.  Depressed or in MLC.  So hard to tell.  There are issues there for sure!  I pray she can find the comfort she needs.

As for why she is talking to H.  Don't know.  I can guess but that would be all it is.

-He can relate due to several members having drug issues and doing time and his history in law enforcement.
-He can be a knight in shining amour for her now.  She needs someone to be able to lean on.
-Although they didn't know each other in HS, she could be a substitute for a blast from the past.
-I feel confident that Colorado probably innocently hooked them up.  I can see G talking to Colorado about the S and Co telling G to talk to H because he understands.  Maybe?  Who knows. 

So my heart does bleed for her.  Tough place to be in but that is no reason to pursue someone else while you are still married.  Dying or not.  Her H could last for many years due to the advancements in meds in the area he is dealing with.  There is help out there.  Sadly, she is still smoking despite him having a lung disease. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Me :

I was upset yesterday.  I vented here and with a friend.  I reviewed the advise and everyone was on the same page as I was so I knew I was making the right decision. 

I handled it.  I was proud of me.  I was calm and cool and soft spoken when I dealt with H.  I was honest that I didn't like it.  I accepted that he would either accept the boundary or reject it and that was his decision.  I was prepared for him to take a more childish route and I was floored that he was accepting of my position. 

What does it mean?  Nothing....nothing at all right now.  He is still so deep in replay.  My gut tells me there is something going on.  Be it OW2 or more serious with OW1 or breaking with OW1 and just a budding friendship with OW2.   I don't know.  It is MLC and I can't make sense of the senseless.

My options...continue to think about it or accept things as they are for now and continue taking care of me.  I am choosing me.

I can see H is still all about H.  He was very juvenile this weekend with the reunion.  Back to riding his bike and wearing his HD clothes everywhere.  Like he was showing off that he had the bike. 

I know he took Colorado for a ride and I suspect he took G for a ride and I am quite certain that G hung out with H when Co was off visiting other friends.  Just my head talking and I hope it is wrong.  It could be very platonic.  She may be searching for a friend and H is looking for more or vice versa.  I just saw the way he got a bit giddy when the car pulled in the driveway.

I just can't care of think about any of it anymore.  This is my final vent on it.  I am getting it all out now and letting it go.  I have better things to do then think about them.

I refuse to let his antics bring me down.  Thanks for letting me purge all this and move it to the past for me.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1563
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2019, 11:17:56 AM »
Ex:  Ty...hope you are doing well!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4994
  • Gender: Female
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2019, 01:46:40 PM »
Welcome to your new thread Sam. Whether G is OW 2 or not, remember that as he is still in replay, she is nothing more than a symptom.  I know, a very painful one at that and I am really bad at detaching form this particular brand of replay myself. But well, MLCers just cannot seem to ever be alone. And they can't be with us right now. So, well, it happens. Hoping though that it isn't in this case. And really, you never do know.  But I've learned to trust my gut more and more.

Anyway, good boundary. I would do the same.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9189
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2019, 01:26:54 AM »
And we all know how much male MLC'ers seem to love being the "Knight in Shining Armour" while female MLC'ers love to play the "Damsel in Distress" role.... sounds like a real match made in Hades....

As for G, H may be thinking that way but it is entirely possible that G isn't... Not worth getting spun up about (i. e. Monkey-braining) ... Since Colorado and G have been talking more lately, it adds credence to the line that G is just in the middle of a $#!t-storm and is looking for any sympathetic ear she can find... It will be up to her whether or not she crosses the line with H or not.... It is NOT, however, that deserves a lot of head space as 1) it hasn't happened yet, and 2) even if it does, there is NOTHING that anyone, other than the parties directly participating, can do ANYTHING about...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1563
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2019, 08:39:15 AM »
KIT:   Thank you!  Not only am I glad you are following along, but I needed this reminder!

Quote
remember that as he is still in replay, she is nothing more than a symptom.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1563
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2019, 08:40:45 AM »
UM:

This I also needed to be reminded of too!  Thank you!

Quote
It is NOT, however, that deserves a lot of head space
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1563
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2019, 08:51:18 AM »
Journaling:

Yesterday I went out with a friend after work.  H wanted to come by to fix my car.  I was late and he was early so he didn't wait.  Let me know he was going to visit someone else and would  be by later.  He showed.  I was surprised.  However my car didn't get fixed because he told me the wrong part to buy.

Back to the parts store I go and while there, I discover they are willing to fix for free so guess what......H doesn't have to come back now.  I also didn't write out to let him know.  If he wants to know he knows where to find me.

Today I am back where I need to be mentally.  Feeling good and ready to take on anything and everything.

Looking back, I allowed myself to get derailed when G showed up at my house.  I just got stuck on why hide a friend coming over....but why question anything while in replay.  He would lie anyhow.  His form of lying is predominantly withholding info.  Ok...accept and move on.

All I know if that I am glad to be back feeling better again.  Confident that no matter what....I got this crap.  I let my confidence drop and I should never have done that.  It doesn't matter what he does....I do NOT have to let it affect me.  That is all my own doings.  I let my brain wonder into no man's land.  I can't do that crap.

I also realized when I am worrying, I get triggered easier.  I am considering therapy again.  It helped me past the initial hump after BD and I have fixed a lot of things since then on my own.

Now I am thinking it would be great to have someone just help guide and direct me to take the work I have already done and help me fine tune.  Maybe I will find other issues to address...maybe not.  So maybe more of a life coach than a counselor. 

This would not be therapy to talk about H or his MLC....it would be just all for me to continue to help me address some of the triggers and find some coping mechanisms so instead of being thrown for a loop and letting my mind wonder for days, I can find ways to get it back sooner and easier.

Something for me to think about and do some research to find the right person.  My old therapist retired so I sadly can't go back to her.  Gotta start all over!

Break over....back to work!

Hope everyone has a great day!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.