Author Topic: My Story Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months  (Read 2020 times)

Offline Helpingme!

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My Story Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2019, 09:05:19 AM »
Good for you Sam.
For all ladies out there, if your in the US, AutoZone will change bulbs, wiper blades, batteries, air filters all for free. They do here anyway. They are always more than happy to help a woman. They frown doing it for a man, ha.

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2019, 10:41:42 AM »
Thanks Helping for the info.

I went to A and A Auto parts...they do it too!  Just some more FYI.  Thanks for sharing and helping out us "ladies" 

Next time you go to the auto parts store....try a dress and wig!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2019, 11:07:04 AM »
Good for you Sam.
For all ladies out there, if your in the US, AutoZone will change bulbs, wiper blades, batteries, air filters all for free. They do here anyway. They are always more than happy to help a woman. They frown doing it for a man, ha.

This is so lovely, getting ‘looked after’ like this, Helping, is so welcome while dealing with MLC. The kindness of someone pointing you in a helpful direction is special. (It’s maybe not for men like you who are obviously capable with things like this but if my father turned up, they’d help him - he’s no idea about cars ha ha.)

Glad you got it sorted Sam. Good luck finding a coach, it’s tricky getting one to suit but I’m sure you’ll manage.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Treasur

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2019, 12:08:56 PM »
Fwiw Sam, if what you feel you need is a bit of extra support oomph on triggers and some new tools, I wonder if you might find it helpful to look at it through an anxiety 'lens'...either some kind of anxiety coach or indeed someone who comes at it less from a head angle than from a body one? Someone who can give you a completely fresh perspective that is about calming and strengthening your spirit and body...meditation or yoga or qigong or a new physical skill maybe? Even something where the coping with triggers thing is more of a side effect of a strengthened system than an explicit goal if that makes sense?

If you feel you need to focus on something broader than the anxiety, goals that are about other things you want to do maybe, then a coach might be more helpful but many coaches won't naturally come with a solid understanding of anxiety necessairily but tend to be more action-focused?

Hope that helps you as you pin down what you feel you need.
I often ask my clients too if their core issue is a scratch or an itch...a scratch when there is something you want to stop or move away from, an itch when there is something you are trying to work towards but might not quite know how to yet. Scratch or itch tends to be a different kind of energy and therefore a different kind of process.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2019, 12:12:15 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2019, 05:19:47 AM »
Quote
For all ladies out there, if your in the US, AutoZone will change bulbs, wiper blades, batteries, air filters all for free. They do here anyway. They are always more than happy to help a woman. They frown doing it for a man, ha.

They will also help you in reading codes from your vehicle if something is wrong and explaining what needs to be done. Luckily I have 3 nephews who are mechanics! (and maybe I've learned a thing or two this past year!).

Sorry Sam I hijacked your thread for a second!! lol
I'm still following and reading...Getting in a routine again, at least trying!
Hope you are well!
Smiles!
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2019, 09:07:12 AM »
Rose -
Quote
The kindness of someone pointing you in a helpful direction is special.

I agree.  It is very special.  However, I found a lot of people on this site willing to help which is making life so much easier.  Being able to relate to others.  I have made some great long term friends here.  Some who I get to visit and be with and some I only get to chat with one here.  That's ok....pen pals are not dead with sites like this to get to know and support others.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2019, 09:10:21 AM »
Mrs. -

Hijack away.  Please share anything anytime that will help others.  Isn't that the reason we should be here.  So we can share to get support and help but also to help support others too?

I am well and glad you are here!  Take care of yourself!  Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2019, 09:16:03 AM »
Treas:  Thanks for the feedback.  Based on what you wrote, I may need to consider a combo of help.

I want to be able to deal with the triggers that bring on the anxiety and get that under control.  However, I don't want to just put a bandage on it and wait for it to heal.  I want to get the deep dark reasons why these are still occurring.

So, I am thinking I need coping methods for the immediate time for when they do pop up.  This would be the bandage to get me through them for right now.

I am thinking personal therapy to help me dig deeper and work on resolving the triggers long term.  Get to the point where I have faced and dealt with those things that bring on the anxiety/panic/fear so that I won't have to worry about bandages in the future.

Make sense?  Thoughts?  Maybe a therapists who can deal with both?   I know this all goes back to MLC, I just want this to be about fixing those issues in me that I can't seem to do on my own without turning things around to be about H.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #28 on: August 01, 2019, 09:30:37 AM »
Journal Update:

I am here today but not much to report.  H was quiet yesterday not a peep out of him.

My D let me know that he did go out to visit and later he posted a pic of GD.  I commented "cutz"

He responded:  "Did you get your car fixed?"   Me:  Yes.  Thank you!

End of convo.

Yesterday was a great day for me.  I had my head back on straight.  I got things done and I am planning for the weekend.  This is my last full weekend to accomplish some tasks before my son comes home.  I am hosting a family/friends party for him and I sold the bed i his room so I need to put the new one together.  Ugh...so much to do.

Several weeks ago H promised to come help with doing things.  Of course I didn't expect it and I didn't count on it.  So far I have half of the basement work done.  About 10% of the shed work done.  95% of the patio done.  0% of the bedroom done.  The only one I can let slack is the shed.  Everything else has to be done by the 15th of this month.

One way or another I will get it done.

This past Sat, H said he would be over after he saw I did the patio by myself.  Said he would help a few hours on Sat and Sun.  We will see.  No expectations.  Help would be nice since some of the stuff that needs done pertains to him, but I can do it without him.  I do need help to put the bed together and I can bribe my son in law or find a friend to help.  Not hard to do, just a two person job to balance the frame and screw it together.

Anyhow, last night when H was leaving D's house, he told GS that he would see him this weekend at my house if he came over in the am.  So right now it appears he has not forgot his promise...however today is only Thursday...he can still forget or decide to avoid me by Sat am.

Other than that.....work is busy which is always good.  July's are typically slow.  The end of July really picked up and it is carrying into August so far.  Hope it stays this way!



My Quote of the Day:
   
Quote
Every single event in your life, especially the difficult lessons, have made you smarter, stronger, and wiser than you were yesterday.  Be Thankful!!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Sam I AmTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Reply #29 on: August 05, 2019, 12:57:18 PM »
Journal Update:

About H first....

Friday - Nothing until late evening.  He had gone silent since Monday.  Then he sent me a snap and  asked me to call him.  I did but it wasn't until after I did some things I needed to do.  He told me he was coming over Saturday to help me get the house ready for son's homecoming.  Told me he stopped by by office earlier.  This is something he used to hide from me too.  He would stop in to see my assistant who we used to pal around with.  She occassionally let it slip.  He never told me.  This time, my other associate was in the office so I figure he told me thinking she might say something.  She won't.  He doesn't know that cuz he doesn't know her.

Told me he considered bringing his truck to my house then decided not to do it because he was walking and that was an extra mile and he was running short on time.  Reminded me that he left a set of keys at my house so I can go and get his truck and use it anytime I want.

Saturday - He was about an hour late but showed and stayed 5 hours.  Helped move heavy stuff.  Ran to store to get things I needed for repairs.  Mowed and worked outside around the house.  Stayed for lunch.  Grandkids came over and he stopped working to visit with them.  Went swimming then went to work.  He brought his clothes so he didn't have to run back to his place before going to work.

I told him that the ATV needed a new battery and I was gonna pick one up and take it back to the cabin.  He told me that he didn't want it to go to the cabin.  He didn't want my parents to let it sit out (and they would).  He told me it needs about $800 of work and he would get it fixed and then use it at his sisters place this winter to plow snow.   Inside of me, I wanted to cringe because he is planning to stay at his sisters through the winter yet part of me was happy because he was planning to stay at his sisters through the winter and not move elsewhere (like with the OW) 

He also went through some bins of his stuff that was here.  Took most all of it with him and tossed a bunch of stuff.  Yeah!  Less at my place.

Talking about homes....he seems to be a man without a home right now.  H refers to his sisters place or the creek home.  He refers to our home as Sam's home.  H has no home.  He doesn't claim either of them to be his home.  Never say's I am going home...he goes to sis's.  He seems comfortable with this but that is just an observation.  It is weird because even when he was in the military, he had HIS room or HIS place and HIS bunk when he was in the barracks( and this stuff was really only temporary...usually only a few weeks at a time).  Now he has nothing...no place to call his own....not even his bed at sis's.  Just an odd way to live.  He isn't putting down roots anywhere yet he is not a nomad either.   I guess you quit trying to have a home after you moved 7 times in 21 months.  Probably best to stay neutral about where you lay your head at night! 

In the evening he called to give me some info as a follow up to the purchase of a new sub shop in town.  Hung up and said "I'll see you sometime tomorrow"

Sunday:  Came over to finish up some chores.  SIL met him and together they put together the new bed for spare room.  He stayed for lunch and was going to stay and swim/shower but he forgot his water bottle and needed to run and get it.  Then SIL asked him to help him move something, so he never returned.  Helped SIL then went to work.  Stayed about 2 hours before leaving.

Talked about family vacations of the past.  This was prompted by the lunch I made.  Then he compared the lunch to his sister making it.  He doesn't like her cooking!
During the evening he was sending snaps.  Just scenic things.  Nothing special at all.  When he left, he said bye to the grandson then turned and walked away.  No thanks for lunch....no see ya later...not even I am out of here.  Just turned and walked away.  Bear in mind, that I didn't make lunch for a reaction.  I made it because the ingrediants were on sale plus I could freeze the excess for lunches.  Just amazed that he walked off like no one else was there.  Guess he was too worried about finding his water bottle he left behind.  LOL!

Today:  He called to see if I talked to my Dad.  He saw my Dad yesterday and they were making plans to move the trailer.  He called to see if he could move it to my house and if so where he should put it.  We talked about that.  Actually discussed options.   Talked about our son.  Talked about the homecoming.  For the first time in as long as we can remember, we just talked.  It wasn't all him.  He ran ideas past each other.  Considered options.   He knew I was looking for some lights and sent me pics of what his sister has so I could see those options.  We talked about some things for the house.  Changes he wants to see.  No commitment to do anything about it, but it was talk.  Basically he was picking up on ideas we had discussed doing prior to BD.

He told me he was gonna help my dad tomorrow.  Then come by the house and do more yard work.  He ended by telling me he wouldn't be at the gym tonight and told me he was gonna help a buddy move.

 
What I am observing right now in H is helpfulness.

H wants to help everyone again - not just taking care of the dogs and the yard....helping

Help SIL move a desk
Help me at the house
Help a buddy move (if this is true)
Help take care of his parents yard
Help take care of my parents yard
Help his dentist take care of her yard (recently widowed)
Help my Dad move some things
Help s with some expenses
Help get things ready for the homecoming on Saturday while I am picking up son.
Offered to let me use his car to go pick up S next weekend which is about 4 hours away.  More comfortable a ride and much better on gas than my truck.

Also for the longest time he was just coming by the house and doing whatever.  Now he is telling me he is coming by.  Told me last weekend he would be by this weekend.  Told me today he would be by tomorrow and also asked if I would be available if he had questions.  Like I can help answer his yard questions from my office...but OK!?!

It is a different side of H again.

Last weekend he was back to HD clothing and riding his bike everywhere while friends were in town for the class reunion.  He didn't have a problem showing up at the reunion telling people we decided to separate and I wouldn't be coming.  Looking back, it appeared he was showing off.  Like look at me...I am single and ride a HD MC.  Felt so much like post BD when he was on the bike constantly.  In fact, his overall attitude was simliar to right before BD...at the time I didn't know what was coming but now I recall how I was basically nothing more than a speck of dirt on the floor.  I didn't matter.  I felt that again last weekend.  He was different yet the same but yet different. 

This summer he has rode his MC far less.  Even considers selling it for either another bike that is bigger or a Jeep so he can still ride and let the air rush through his hair. 

Now this week, he is back to normal clothes.  The bike went away on Monday and has not been out since despite the beautiful weather we have had.

He is just a mess!  All over the place.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Me:  I am pleased with me right now.  He told me wasn't gonna go to the gym tonight and immediately I wanted to think he is going to meet with her.  Then I backed off my thinking and said to myself....so what if he does.  You can't stop him.  He spent his time off this weekend with his family and not with her.  Let him go and compare the nice weekend with family vs the time he gets to spend with her.    I stopped the monkey braining before it started.

Then I headed back to trust issues again.  There is a part of me that is hopeful that he isn't lying.  I know it is still a far cry especially because I caught him in a lie just over a week ago.  So he could be telling me the truth.  He could be lying.  Someday it will all come out.  My gut is not telling me anything.  So, that means to me to leave well enough alone.  Just let it play out.

One thing I do know is that in the past, his silence and secrecy was more dangerous than things he was saying.  When he would keep things a secret he was usually doing things that he knew he probably should not be doing.  Only time will tell if he is actually turning over a new leaf or just being open because he was recently caught and this is just fleeting.  If I had to guess, I would say fleeting.  Time will tell!




10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

 

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