[Anjae]

It´s a checklist of stressors and depending on how many one checks off, it gives an indication of how likely emotional/mental health is affected.

Stressors affect far more than emotional/mental health, they affect physical one. My physical health suffered, and still suffers. Emotional one is fine so is psychological one.


If the 1% lost 90% of their money they would still be fine, thank you very much. 10% of seveal billions is still a lot of money.

I get the it is proporcional, but there is a huge difference between having to let go of the gigantic mansion and super yatch for a mansion and a smaller boat and have nothing.

Also the health and support resources money can get people in the US and other countries without Universal Health Care/National is very different than if people don't have money.

I take dealing with this mess with a ton of money, great house, nice holidays, etc. any day. You guys can send those my way. 

I think some you don't get it and never will. Unless one day you'll find yourself moneyless, homeless, etc. a thing I would not wish upon my worst enemy if I had one. It does not seem possible to explain. It seems it can only be felt.

Like I once read a well-off musician say, "I had depression, but I had it in £3.5 million home." The implication being he had a level of comfort and care most do not. At least he had enough self-awareness to know there is a difference.

[Airmid]

My post is a non-sequitur,
but I am posting it here because I don't have my own thread, and yet I want to share this.

Today an old friend of mine called me to tell me that her H died.
That in itself was a surprise as the man was simply not that old - late 60s.
But it was also tragically sad.
20 years ago my friend - I will call her Mary - and her H (let's call him Jim) had a severe break in their marriage.
I didn't understand it at the time - nor did she - but now looking back with hindsight - her H had a severe MLC.

At the time (20 years ago) Jim started to become irritable. 
He was questioning his life, seemed unsatisfied with everything. 
He was a college professor teaching computer science. 
He was very talented in his career. 
But he started to become unglued.  He wasn't acting like himself.
Mary didn't understand it, Jim didn't understand it but was very angry and defensive. 
Mary tried to get them into marriage counseling - it was futile.
She brought him to their family doctor, thinking there might be some medical cause, nothing was found.

Jim ended up quitting his job suddenly and without warning.
Mary and Jim had 4 kids, only one was grown and out of the house.
They had a mortgage, responsibilities, etc.
Not only did Jim quit his job - he quit all his responsibilities as a  husband and a father.
He briefly moved to a friend's house - and then all of a sudden he disappeared entirely.
Mary was out of her mind with worry - not to mention the kids.
Months later they found out Jim had moved to Mexico.
Jim had no ties to mexico - no ability to speak spanish - no relatives there.
He spent years there being a beach bum. 
And truly living like a bum - no home - sleeping in the back of a restaurant/bar located on a Mexican beach, off the beaten track.

Mary tried to make contact - and when she did she realized what most LBSer realize - that Jim had his own version of their shared history. 
For the most part it was futile to interact with Jim, and at times almost impossible as he had no home, no phone, etc.

Meanwhile Mary had to pick up the pieces of the bomb blast.
She was also a college professor - but she now took up odd second jobs as well.
She struggled to close joint bank accounts - and credit cards (made very difficult by his disappearance to another country).
She struggled to get the kids though it - get them college educations.
After about 5 years or so - Jim was in sporadic contact with his kids and Mary.
He even came back briefly to Mary for a summer - before disappearing again into Mexico.
After that Mary was able to get a divorce in absentia.

Following the divorce Mary, Jim and the kids stayed in whatever spontaneous and infrequent contact Jim would allow.  It was not much.
Needless to say - there was zero financial help from Jim once he left the first time.
If he was employed in Mexico - it was probably minimal pay to just get by.
Once when one of the kids got older, he went down to see his father.  He reported back to his mother that although physically he was recognizable, there was very little left of the man he remembered as his father.

I now know that what happened to Jim was a MLC.
I now understand why Mary was left speechless and had no understanding of what could have gone so terribly wrong with a marriage that from all angles always appeared to be healthy and happy.
I remember my own reaction at the time - that there was something missing from the puzzle - that people just don't get up and leave like that.

But Jim did.  And many of the spouses on here go into their own weird decent - unexplainably.
Last month Jim died in Mexico.
Mary wasn't even aware until weeks later.
Last week she and her kids held a memorial ceremony for her xH.
The ceremony was filled with friends and people from Jim's past as well as people who are connected to Mary and the kids.
They had a joyous ceremony of his life - up until his MLC break.
It was as if everyone acknowledged his life from birth till the BD - and then the rest of his life was barely referred to.

Mary didn't call me to let me know of the ceremony, because we now live several states apart.
But when we talked on the phone - we both reminisced about the happy times we had all spent together - all of us.
Mary and the kids still clearly loved Jim, or their memories of who Jim was.
But Jim had divorced himself from his old self - and really never looked back.
Twenty years later, Jim died as he wanted - away from his family - in his new life in Mexico - however that worked out for him.

I guess this whole issue has brought up how much I will never truly understand what happens to these MLCers. 
How they can give up so much, and descend into what I would perceive as a hellish existence - yet they seem content to stay there. 
In this case - 20 years - right up until Jim's death.

[Treasur]

Good grief, Air...what a sad story.
As you say the kind of story we nod along with here while most people in RL just go WTF 
It sounds as if Mary and her kids are made of good tough stuff so I hope they made a good post MLC life regardless?

As you say, he divorced himself from his old self and old life....got what he wanted presumably but you're right, even when we are detached enough from our own situation, it still is hard to understand. I'm not sure I have ever heard a story here of an MLCer who creates a dramatically better life for themselves in the end, let alone does something big or amazing after it. Have you? The best they seem to get is a smaller less successful version of their old life with quite a lot of ongoing cost in money and family relationships.

[Anjae]

What a sad story, Air.

Jim was a MLCer that 20 years later was still in MLC. Very, very sad.

Mr J and other MLCer have a bigger, more successful version of their former life, if for more successful we mean money, work and type of lifestyle.

If successful means inner peace, grace,  true love, then MLCers have it far less successful.

[Airmid]

Yes Anjae - it was very sad in that Jim remained in MLC for the rest of his life.
20 years in fact. 
And there was no indication that had he lived longer that anything would have changed.
I don't think his new life was "better". 
His kids described his post BD personna as a "shell of the person we knew".

[Whyus]

Poor Mary, what a Story! I too hope that Mary and her children had a full life after Jim left.
I didnt know the guy but I dont think that Jim was in a crisis for 20 years, thats hard to believe somehow. He most probably just got into some Kind of Routine and got used to it, settled for it. "This is my life now, I have no other Options so I will make the best of it" Kind of thinking.

[Airmid]

Here is Mary's post BD story Whys...

The first 5 years after BD was very confusing for Mary.
The kids were completely baffled and upset - Mary herself had no real answers as to what happened.
One of her kids started acting out because of it.
Financially she was very very stressed.

In the 5th year post BD - her eldest son -  went down to Mexico to find his father to tell him of his impending marriage and ask him to attend the ceremony.
(At his point in time they had a rough idea of where Jim was - and there was sporadic contact)
Jim agreed and did in fact come back to the US for his son's wedding.

Everyone was very happy that Jim had come, including Mary.
The awkward part was they now lived in a rather rural part of Ohio, and Mary's son asked her if "Dad" could stay at her house for the wedding.  With some trepidation, Mary agreed.
It was a country wedding - one of those multi-day affairs where friends and family gathered for a weekend celebration.
And Jim slipped back quietly into his role of "father".  Everyone was polite, no one asked him much about his whereabouts etc.

When the wedding weekend was over, Jim made no move to leave.
Mary asked Jim when his plans were to return to Mexico.
Jim responded that he enjoyed seeing the kids, as it had been so long, and he thought he would stay a bit longer.
Mary was baffled but didn't push it.  I know from our conversations at the time she had no idea how to deal with Jim.
And so it was that Jim spent a summer (the 5th year after BD) with Mary.
But in that time, Jim simply wandered about.  Jim had no plans to get a job or anything like that.
It seemed like he saw this as an extended vacation.
He sometimes did a few chores around the house, mowed the lawn or fixed things.
Mary never asked him to do anything, but was pleased when he did.
And then in the middle of September, Mary came home from work and Jim was gone.
No note, nothing mentioned to any of the kids, he just took his leave like a migrating bird.

I know it hurt Mary and the kids once again.  But by this time they realized that Jim was simply no longer the person they remembered.  He had changed.

Mary went to a lawyer and proceeded to get a divorce.
Jim went completely off the grid and no-one knew his whereabouts - so the divorce process was in absentia.  It took two years to do that.

Eventually Jim showed up in some other remote town in Mexico.
And as I said - he contacted the family when and if he felt like.
There was never another physical visit.

Mary concentrated on her career and getting her kids through college.
She dated here and there, but nothing very serious.
I don't really think she wanted another committed relationship.
Her focus was on her kids.
Today Mary is retired.  She moved from the big rural house in Ohio to another location closer to her grown kids.
All her children are married now and she has 7 grandchildren.

Jim never attended any of the other weddings. 
He never saw any of his grandchildren in person. 

Did Mary do ok?
Yes.  She rebuilt her life in a way.
She got back on her feet financially, but certainly it was at a diminished financial level than had Jim stayed in the marriage.

I know Mary suffered emotionally after Jim left.
The worry of "if he was dead", "where was he?" loomed large in the first few years.
Mary went to therapy and at some point realized she had to let go emotionally - and she did.
She had to accept that although she might not understand it - this was the way Jim wanted to live his life.

Her life now is busy with her grown children and her grandchildren.
She is retired from teaching.
She is not interested in dating at this point.
I think she is happy - but I think she will always regret how her marriage fell apart.

[stillbaffled]

But by this time they realized that Jim was simply no longer the person they remembered.  He had changed.

Thank you, Airmid, for sharing all this. 

It would seem that Mary is living the best life she can. 

Unlike Whyus, I do believe that people can, and do, remain in some form of a crisis.  They change and the "old" them never returns.  They just stay stuck as a person that we don't even know. 

I do enjoy seeing posts from you here, Airmid!  I hope the rentals are doing well. 

[Airmid]

Hi SB -

Yes the rentals are doing very well. 
I finally got both units at the beach house habitable and rented.
One unit I rented seasonally, the other on a short term basis via Airbnb. 
The short term rentals make a lot more money but they are also a lot more work. 
The seasonal tenant helps with the Airbnb turnovers - so it all worked out.
 
I am finally on my feet financially and am planning for retirement.
I probably will retire next year.

When all this MLC/BD happened - I could see no way that I would ever get my life back up on track.
To my surprise, I will have more money in retirement than I make now.
Who could have guessed that?

I am happy, my life is full of wonderful things. 
Once again - I could have never imagined happiness after BD - but here I am - happy as a clam.
I am grateful to be surprised.

[OldPilot]

Hi SB -

Yes the rentals are doing very well. 
I finally got both units at the beach house habitable and rented.
One unit I rented seasonally, the other on a short term basis via Airbnb. 
The short term rentals make a lot more money but they are also a lot more work. 
The seasonal tenant helps with the Airbnb turnovers - so it all worked out.
 
I am finally on my feet financially and am planning for retirement.
I probably will retire next year.

When all this MLC/BD happened - I could see no way that I would ever get my life back up on track.
To my surprise, I will have more money in retirement than I make now.
Who could have guessed that?

I am happy, my life is full of wonderful things. 
Once again - I could have never imagined happiness after BD - but here I am - happy as a clam.
I am grateful to be surprised.

Good to hear - a success story!