[stillbaffled]

One of my favorite bits of wisdom from my counselor was "What do you get when two garbage trucks run into each other? F*cking garbage everywhere!" I don't need to look at that garbage-strewn highway & try to figure out what that means. It's just...garbage.

I agree with Treasur - a bit of wisdom I'll hang on to.  Thanks, HT.   

Airmid - thank you for sharing your wisdom. 

[xyzcf]

I have a beef today and need to vent.

I checked in to a large and prestigious teaching hospital this morning for a scan. The last 5 weeks I have been going for various tests/apts and inevitably I am asked what my marital status is. I used to just say "married", very seldom does it feel right to check "divorced" and so somehow I think "single" fits the best. I consider myself married but I certainly don't have a husband in my life.

So I answer "single"...am I lying? Will the insurance company deny coverage because they won't agree with my "title". And what the heck do they need to know this for anyway?

The questions continue: "are your working?" No.

"Is you spouse employed?" Well yes he is actually but I wouldn't refer to him as my spouse really.....remember I stated I was single.

Then, MRS xyzcf, could you just sign the following documents.....

I am anxious, I am scared, my therapist tells me that if I were not scared she would be concerned. I am alone to deal with this.....

Then, there is COVID

I cannot go home and be with my daughter for her birthday..the first time in her life that I have not been there with her to celebrate, also Canadian Thanksgiving and doesn't look good for Christmas

My wedding anniversary is this Thursday.

I have a significant problem with my house that was repaired in Dec but is causing problems again.

I have been trying all summer trying every product on the market to stop rabbits from destroying my grass...I am losing that battle.

My dear dog has dementia

My best friend who I have enjoyed going to concerts, happy hour, movies and Sunday dinners with her family has moved to the other side of the country

There is the most insane political stuff going on that I have ever experienced in 65 years and and it scares me deeply

I have a possible health issue to deal with

and the list goes on....

I KNOW that I am lucky and blessed and many have much worse going on in their lives....

but please, when I disclose that I am "single" have the courtesy not to call me "MRS" and not to ask if my husband is employed...oh and the other question that stills comes up "where are you from" I answer Montreal, the nurse responds "I wondered about your accent" and then of course..."what brought you to the US?"

I am feeling very irritable these days..thanks for listening. Peace be with all of you.

[Milly]

Hi xy, just want to let you know that I hear you. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed right now. I know I'd be anxious if my best friend was moving far away, and then to be facing a possible health issue as well. I think we are very strong for the most part, we hold it together, we push forward and enjoy everything we can, but there are times when there are so many tough things surrounding us that it becomes hard to understand. It can feel that things are stacked against us personally, that we don't get a break. At least this is how I've felt a few times since BD.

I don't have any answers except to tell you that we are still here for you. We are not gone. Covid will end at some point and you'll be able to go back home to Canada and celebrate the big holidays.  If you have a health issue, you will deal with it, and we will be here to support you through it. Sending you a hug on this difficult day. x

[Treasur]

Hug from here too.
Sometimes the reality of life as it currently is just sucks. It isn't how we want it and wasn't what we chose and it feels unfair and just not right. This is one of those times. We get it, xyz, you know we do. So yes, vent here if it helps bc we care about you and we get it. We also know that you know that these moments pass through and that you have all the experience you need to dig deep to navigate it. But we also know that just bc you can does not always take away how it feels that it is how it is.......or how tired we can get from having to dig deep again and again...
So, another hug xxx

[HeartTattoo]

XYZ,

I am sorry you are dealing with some potential health crisis. That is hard enough itself & then to know that there should be someone there supporting you, someone who vowed to do that. In sickness & health... Another reminder that our lives are not what they should be.

And then the whole M/S/D thing. I had to review my info online today for a dr's appt tomorrow. I see that word "Divorced" in my profile every time & I think "Wait, that's not...oh, yeah it is". Not what I wanted, then or ever. And for you as a Stander, it must be even more jarring. The Catholic Church considers you a married person, you consider yourself a married person, but you don't fit into society's slot for married people. The follow-up questions don't work. The follow-up explanation would just make you seem delusional to a person who just wants to check off boxes. That glaring category "Divorced" is not where we want to be, never wanted to be, never gave a thought to the possibility that we would be.

It's a lot to be going through, especially alone. I remind myself that I can do this or that or the other thing on my own & I can. I'm sure you can too. But it is exhausting, it's not right, it's not the life we worked for, sacrificed for, always thought we would have through life's struggles.

I am so sorry for all of your current struggles.
Hugs,
HT

[FaithWalker]

Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers XY.  It has been a while since I've been "over the hill" to your City, but if there is anything I can do please reach out.

[OldPilot]

Sorry you are struggling,

life is a struggle isn't it?

There is always a curveball coming in and its hard to hit it.

I have nothing for advice but I can send a ((((HUG)))))

[Seahorse]

xyzcf-
I am so so sorry that you're going through ALL that you're enduring.
I can't accept the "divorced" box either - I will always be married in my heart, and he will always be my husband - even though he divorced me.
Just know in your heart that your friend will always be your friend and will probably (I don't know her) always be there for you if you need her. 
I'm sorry about your dog.  Tough to have to care for an ill animal when you're going through your own health issues.
Basically - I'm sorry everything is happening.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers for peace and health, and compassion and self-love.

Sea

[xyzcf]

Thank you for your messages and understanding.....there is something wrong, ironically with my heart. I am waiting to hear the results and maybe it will be everything is fine or at the worst case, it can be "fixed"....as we all are aware..the bucket right now is overflowing and I feel somewhat "frozen"...flight, fight, freeze and as we all are...so very tired of feeling this way.

My nursing background is also problematic as I have worked in CCU so my mind tends to think things that are not the case for me.....

I think we are all experiencing some amount of depression. I am grateful that I can express these fears and irrational thoughts and that others will nod their heads with me..thank you so much!

[MsMedfly]

I guess I officially qualify as an old timer now??? I’m 6 years in..

XY,

I’m sending you so many prayers. I know EXACTLY what you mean.. Nothing is worse than the dreaded scan. I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that metastasized to my liver in July of 2019. Since that day, the entire world seems completely and totally off, nothing goes right, works right, sounds right... I’m adopted with no medical history, at the ripe old age of 43 with genetic colon cancer.

You my friend are not alone. And screw the box checking!!! I say write in other: independently owned and operated!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I admire you so, for how committed you are to standing. I did till God told me otherwise and I’m now married to my perfect! You are so incredibly strong and it breaks my heart that you are struggling..

But I think, in a way, we all are..

COVID sucks. I’m a high school teacher and let me tell you, I’ve always loved my calling, but right now, I’d retire if I could, it sucks too..

I’m kinda on the sick of all it train... 26th round of chemo starts tomorrow. I just know I’m a glow stick!!! I’m just done, with all the unrest, uneasy, divided, hateful, bickering children that are supposed to be leaders and role models... and the “grown ups” that have all taken a side..

I could rant forever.. The learning platform we use, Canvas, it’s logo looks like corona under a microscope. Coincidence, I think not!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sending you everything I’ve got sweet X.., You’ve  helped me through some very dark times.. and you need to know what a light you are to others, even in the midst of your mountains..

Hugs and prayers dear friend.. 💜💜💜💜