[Airmid]

Love to see your post SC.
Yes honey, we both were able to jump off the crazy train.

I no longer feel I am missing anything.
I am glad not to be part of Ostrich’s decent into hell.

[beyondblessed]

It's so funny that many of us emerge from the fallout, only to realize these schmucks were dragging us down with them and if we hadn't cut out losses, we'd be living in the gutter alongside them.

Sure, I had to scramble for a job, but I've not scrimped on anything or denied myself of what I would've considered luxuries back when I was married.....and I have more money and financial security than I've ever had.  No, I certainly do not go on frivolous spending binges, but I am living more peacefully and comfortably than I ever have.

I knew back then that my xh was a spender and a wasteful one at that,  but I truly had no idea to what degree.  It's mind boggling how their monkey brains work.  They cause all these problems, run away like spoiled, petulant children, and think it's all going to come up roses for them.

I have no idea of anything going on with my xh.  I've have absolutely no contact with him, unless absolutely necessary since our divorce 3 years ago.  Last December, my car registration was inadvertently sent to him, and rather than him returning it to me, he chose to dispose of it like a little baby, so that tells me he is still the fool he was back then, and I'm so over the moon happy he's gone and not coming back.

[lawprofessor]

Yes, mine too thought he was going to land amidst a rose garden after his grand exit.   

The latest update from him is that his father passed away.  His father who had his own MLC, moved in with a Polish lady looking for citizenship who is 31 years his junior, no job, no money, barely spoke English.  This man left when Genius was 19 after having a 3 year affair with her, came home and left 7 more times, until he decided to stay with his young lady but refused to divorce Genius's mother ever.  He hadn't spoken to his wife nor seen her in 32 years. 

But Genius's mother still had the clothes he left hanging in her closet.  And she is preparing for a legal war over his estate including the life insurance policy and the house he and the girlfriend lived in, as well as the bills he left.

Genius refused to see/speak to his father for over 25 years.  He saw him a couple times after our divorce and with his father congratulating him on finding a younger girl who would take care of him and not cause him too much drama or work.

So to recap Genius lost:

His job
2 subsequent jobs
His medical license
His military rank
His honorable discharge
His military benefits
His military pension
His professional reputation
His future academic job prospects
One house
One townhouse
All his old friends
A few hundred thousand dollars in savings
The sister that raised him who passed away while he was running about the video game parlours of Russia
His father
And 89% of the assets we acquired over our marriage as well as all the time he's spent chasing dragons.

Currently he is living in his mother's house sleeping on her couch, a couch too small for his well over 6' frame.  He spends his days driving her around and watching Matlock with her and occasionally sneaks off to the library to write me an email detailing how much he misses me, how angry he is with me, how he wants to go back in time to before this all happened, and how I am heartless in not allowing him to come home and be happy again.

By all appearances he will follow in his father's footsteps and be a MLC lifer.

And I long ago traded in my ticket on the MLC Trainwreck, quit hoping to play build a man from the wreckage, and gave up trying to heal a man child who refuses to get help or help himself.

I have a successful and growing practice, a demanding teaching career, book contracts, consulting for the government, a side business doing estate sales, a side business creating and selling folk art and antiques with my things in upscale galleries and shops and more orders than I can fill nearly.  I kept my home, my friends, made new friends, have a lovely man in my life on my terms who doesn't expect me to take care of him, and am gaining ground on where I was financially prior to BD as I fell pretty far in that area.  Best of all I fixed myself, regained my relationship with God, and healed.  I still value my memories of our time together as they are a part of me but MLC dies not have to be a life sentence to pain and unhappiness unless you choose it to be.  There is another option that comes with hard work but great rewards.

Best,
Lp

[beyondblessed]

Wow, LP, his dad sounds like a total train wreck.  He must really be a genius to want to repeat those footsteps.  Crazy doesn't even come close to that one.

Glad you are doing so well for yourself.  It's not easy to move on initially,  but once you get out from under the avalanche,  you start to see things so much more clearly.

[Treasur]

How is your friend J doing these days, LP?

[Mortesbride]

Lp the thing that stood out for me... is the fact he is angry with YOU.

After the physical violence he did to you, the running around, the affair...

Yet he is angry you won't let him back.

He is still blindly selfish I see. 

[Airmid]

Because I no longer maintain my own thread - I dug this "Old Timers" thread out.

Christmas time is around the corner - and after that comes New Years.
For me I often use this as a time of reflection for the past - was well as a chance to set forth new hopes and dreams.
I did this before BD - and I still do it to date.

For those of you who don't know my story -
BD was 2014.
I was completely blindsided.
I thought we had a perfectly happy marriage.
Insert all the usual blah blah blah about MLCer antics etc.
H moved in with OW 2 weeks after BD.
Pretty much a vanisher - with my assistance - as I wanted nothing to do with his fractured and emotionally abusive post BD behavior.
Divorced 2016.

Fast forward 5 years.
My life is completely rebuilt.
I rehabbed a dilapidated beach house that was left to me in an inheritance.
I survived 3 separate lawsuits regarding my fathers will/estate.
I dug myself out of serious debt that xH left me with.
I reconnected with old friends.
Through exposing myself to new situations - I met a lot of new friends.
I made new hobbies and interests.
I became financially solid again - to the point that I can take a vacation or a interesting course, etc without stressing about the money.

But most of all - I am at peace.
Peace with myself.
Peace with my surroundings.
Peace with my life.
I accepted an outcome of my marriage that I had no say in.
I stopped wringing my brain trying to figure out the how and whys and simply accepted the fact he was gone.

Letting go became freeing.
There was a lightness of being.

I really noticed this just the other day.
Yesterday, by peculiar circumstances - I had gotten myself invited to a tour of a perfumery laboratory.
There was logic behind this - I teach aromatherapy - but still this was outside my normal realm.

Anyway - the experience was enlightening.
It was intellectually stimulating, talking to the master perfumer.
And because we both come to the world of scents from different angles - me from a science background - him from aesthetic and artistic expression - it was a fascinating meeting of minds and thoughts.
A meeting that was supposed to take possibly 1 hour lasted well over three - as the time flew by because we were so engrossed.
The topics of discussion were wide ranging - perfume, chemistry, wholistic health, mind-body-spiritual connection, scents in ritual and religion, etc., etc.

Two things that stood out to me upon reflection of that meeting.

1  - was that the perfumer said to me - "I admire your sense of risk taking and adventure."

2  - was that I was fully present in the moment for that meeting - I had no distracting or lingering other thoughts.
And I came to the meeting open minded - with no set expectations.

I can look back now and see that I am truly healed.
A newly BD-ed me would have related every experience to my H or my missing life.
My experience would have been one where I was not fully present - just going through the motions.

And so I thought I would share this to suggest how a recovering LBSer might use my example for themselves.

We all know about the pain.  In that first year or two - it just hangs over you like a black cloud.
But for me - the key to the door to get out of the hell of the pain was to focus on self-care.
And self care is mental, spiritual, intellectual, physical.
It is eating healthy.  It is taking walks out in nature.  It is discovering or re-discovering who we are apart from family and spouses.
It is learning to love ourselves. 

But most importantly it is about being willing to take risks.
For me - at BD - both of my parents had died, I lost my husband - I had no children or other family members.
What I didn't realize at the time was - I had no more to lose - and therefore I had nothing left to fear about losing.
And without fear, you are able to consider thinking, feeling and doing things differently.

Finally, stop the monkey-braining.  Stop looking in the rear view mirror to see where your spouse is.
The prevailing wisdom is - there is nothing you can do to speed up or conjure a particular outcome - so let it be.
Living as if the spouse is not coming back means just that - go out and live your life.
Don't live in limbo - be active - do things - enjoy the sunrises and the sunsets - do something new - challenge your mind.

I can look at myself as I was in that meeting and realize -
not only had I regained my personality and my soul - I had become an even better person.
Stronger and more mature.

XH is no longer on the scene - and no longer a player in the play.
He exited offstage over 5 years ago - and he no longer has the staring role.
Like an actor in a play that has been killed off - the story goes on without him.

For newbies - listen to the old timers when they say - GAL.
Gal doesn't mean dating.  It means getting a life.
Initially it can just be distracting occupations so you don't sit in your pile of tears.
But eventually it will become the threads that you use to weave into your existing warp and weft to create a rich tapestry of your life.

One final thought - during yesterday's meeting the perfumer asked me -
"What is your life's dream?"
I laughed and said I didn't have one - I told him about past dreams - of planning to lead students on botanical tours of France -
but that those dreams were no longer what I wanted to do.

He seemed a bit surprised that I had no "dream".
I explained that I have been an engineer for government for 38 years and was soon to retire.
That I want to experience  the freedom without regimented work.
I want to take a wine sommelier class at the french institute.
Possibly I will take a holistic skin care class.
I told him I was happy not to have a set plan - but rather was free to sample and explore - without expectations.

Sounds a lot like rebuilding my life after BD - only better 

Wishing you all a peaceful and happy holiday season.

Air


 

[Acorn]

Airmid, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

You truly rose from the ashes and are zooming through the sky with other sundry phoenixes.
What a success story! 

[HeartTattoo]

Wonderful update, Airmid! Yours is a truly inspiring story for those who are coming along & still struggling with grief & pain. You gotta go through the grief & pain for some time, no getting around it really, but you lay out the path--self-care, living like they're not coming back (cuz, face it, statistically that's the outcome), taking risks, living a new life for yourself. It's really the only way.

I know not everyone can arrange it, but I think No Contact helps so much with healing & focusing on a new life. And don't look back at the MLCer & try to divine meaning from his actions. MLC caused their aberrant behavior patterns. Why do we try to make meaning out of their post-BD behavior? His contacting me for medical records I don't have means absolutely nothing. Knowing H & OW have a commuter M means absolutely nothing. Nothing to be figured out here. It is all nonsense. Don't stare at the car wreck.

One of my favorite bits of wisdom from my counselor was "What do you get when two garbage trucks run into each other? F*cking garbage everywhere!" I don't need to look at that garbage-strewn highway & try to figure out what that means. It's just...garbage.

Hugs,
HT 

[Treasur]

One of my favorite bits of wisdom from my counselor was "What do you get when two garbage trucks run into each other? F*cking garbage everywhere!" I don't need to look at that garbage-strewn highway & try to figure out what that means. It's just...garbage.

This may be one of my favourite snippets from HS ever