Author Topic: My Story Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"  (Read 2836 times)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« on: August 10, 2019, 06:40:40 PM »
I put my "Reassembling" away for the time being and some of the pieces have been put in that 3rd drawer. In many ways, I have been so focused on putting things back together and trying to make sense of what life keeps throwing my way - D changing schools, etc. I have to a certain degree lost a bit of my own focus.

Not making time or taking time for myself the way I should, etc. It has been a problem for me ever since the kids were little. I put myself at the bottom of the list. It is an easy trap to fall into, and when you have an Xh in MLC who is more of a hinderance than a coparent the pressure to be the stable parent sometimes takes over too much.

This morning I woke up after a very bizarre dream. There are parts I don't remember, but some I do and they make some sense and yet are confusing. I am not going to obsess on it, other than it was so vivid at times.

I was creating a dining room in my house. There were holes in the floorboards that seemed to not go to a basement, but to an endless pit. I was realizing I needed to fix the floor before I began doing any decorating. I stepped out of the room for a moment and Xh showed up and decided I needed to have his M's china set. (It wasn't the actual set she owned). I came back to find this room, that I had wanted to be a multipurpose/dining room that was more of an understated elegance, was instead covered with garish gold plates and a hutch full of gold decorated plates and saucers, gold flatware, gold trimmed cloth napkins and fake gilded flowers in the center. The table made Versailles look understated. Xh was insisting I needed to keep it this way.

I got pissed and took a walk and ended up in a city I didn't recognize, but every corner had a flat iron building and an Edward Hopper-esc diner on each street. The crosswalks were incredibly long and it was dusk, but there were no street lights. I started to cross the one crosswalk as there were no cars coming, and the sign said to go when a white delivery car sped through the intersection and I stopped, jumping back slightly as it blew past me. A woman was driving and it had out of state plates - ones I recognized - on it. I thought that meant I was in a different state, but all the other plates were different from that one, but clearly from the same state, although I am not sure which state.

I woke up and felt myself sitting there this morning wondering WTF that was about and what had I eaten or had to drink last night.

Then my cellphone pinged and it was my coworker. He wanted to say hello and told me to have a good day. He was with his kid today and I had to work. I didn't ask, nor did he about getting together any time soon. It was unusual though, as he doesn't often just text to check in.

I found myself in a bit of a strange mood and knowing it could go either way. I had to work this afternoon and I decided I needed to curtail any feelings of "meh" that were coming on. So, I went downstairs, attacked some of the chores I needed to do and S got up as I was in the midst of things. His friend came to pick him up and was watching me fly around and S said to stay out of my way, I was clearly beyond "seize the day" and in the "gonna kick the sh!t out of this day" mode. I had to laugh - it was probably accurate.

I went upstairs and tried to find something to put on for work. It was cooler out, so I opted for dark wash skinny jeans, a black sleeveless top and a cropped jacket which is very sedate, with the exception of gold zippers on the side. It is one of those jackets that people are always commenting on because it is a bit of a surprise. I decided on the only jewelry being a pair of gold hoops. I started to grab a pair of red shoes and then looked to see a box in the corner of the closet. In that box was a pair of shoes I inherited from a friend who bought them for an event, never, ever wore them and said they realized they were too high for them. I remember bringing them home and in the past Xh would have known I could pull them off. It was MLC time though and I was told all sorts of lovely things. I was not able to find my own strength to just wear them and have fun.

Today, I smiled and said I was no longer going to keep them in the box. So, my black stiletto heels with a leopard print and peep toe came out and I was out the door. S's friend on the way out to my car laughed and said I looked like I meant business.  S shook his head and just smiled and had a wager as to what music would be on when I started the car. Yah, he was right, it started with "Whiskey in the Jar" by Metallica. He laughed.

Yes, my business today was to keep myself from getting caught up in my own head. That was the truth.

I arrived at work and my intern laughed saying he never knows what to expect with me and it is a good surprise. We worked on Facebook posts most of the afternoon. He posted and I proofed them. We had a few customers and the afternoon was winding down. I went to put some paintings in our storage area and came back down stairs. I had already made the intern laugh when I was fixing the countertop by drilling new brackets, all while dressed up. It was just saw dust, no biggie.  ::)

I came back down the stairs and said that was it, I couldn't stand it any more and threw my stilettos in the corner, took off my jacket, pulled a hair tie out of my bag. As I started up the stairs, my intern started laughing hysterically and wanted to know what I was up to. I told him he would have to wait and see. He heard lots of rustling about and I came back down and said to go see. He came back down and said, he didn't realize we had a loft and shelving. Yah, I realized that too when I nearly tripped over a bunch of boxes and figured what has happened is people just throw things upstairs and we had a haphazard stack.

As I pulled myself together and put my outfit back to it's original state, out of his mouth came the words, "you are an enigma". I shook my head and said that has been a popular word this week. He laughed and said it was actually refreshing and he too is that way, so it made him feel comfortable knowing I am not a cookie cutter person. He has struggled for years and is becoming comfortable in being himself.

So, on my way home, I thought about it. Being an enigma.

I am not a mystery on purpose. It is not a "put up walls" to protect myself. I never actually thought too much about it growing up in terms of being this or that. I was who I was. It is only after MLC have I heard this from people, or at least maybe I am just paying more attention and aware of the comment.

I am open on the forum and maybe people "know" more about me. I don't fit in that perfect box. People have wanted to label me as one thing or another and I guess I just don't share everything with everyone. It is often because I have been in situations in my life, ie: a black tie event at a client's where discussing anything like being able to use a cut off wheel never came up. I don't hide it. I have different ways that I dress that confuse others as well. Some have tried to categorize it as artsy. LOL. Yah, I work in an art department, I know "artsy" - I am not artsy. I am more of a chameleon in that there are days I might show up in some very feminine dress and the next day I am wearing something completely on the opposite side of the wheel. I have my own sense of style and have always been that way.

It is my own sense of self. I had never questioned it up until MLC.

I am maybe just amused at this new "revelation" and it is not that I am trying to be mysterious. I think it is almost humorous now to hear that I surprise people.

My coworker, when I mentioned it last night, he laughed and I am full of surprises and that is refreshing.

I guess I need to keep embracing being who I am - and I need to get back to allowing time for that person.  :)

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10932.150
« Last Edit: August 10, 2019, 06:42:32 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2019, 09:37:23 AM »
The original plan was that I was going to make dinner for S, his one friend and S's GF last night. But, they changed plans on me and S felt bad. I was not upset and assured him it was not a big deal, as it was a loose ended thing when we discussed it.

S and his friends went to a tractor & truck pull last night instead. It is one of the bigger events of this type in the area and last night it must have been tough for hard core country fans to decide because there were 2 concert venues nearby offering country music. I know when I left the gallery the traffic was very heavy and I laughed at the number of trucks in this city. It is not a city normally known for trucks on lift kits, etc, as the summer tourism is most often higher end SUVs and convertibles. And, of course there are those who go to the country music shows that look more like the "Electric Cowboy" and are trying to fit in. If nothing else, it is often fun to just go people watch.

I was tempted to go to one of the concerts, but decided against it as I was in no mood for tons of people.

S came home very late and had a smile on his face. They had so much fun and I was glad to see him in a good mood. Earlier in the day he was in a bit of a rut and I found out from his friend what was bothering S a bit. His friend said S acted like he was excited about it, but underneath the excitement, his friend said he couldn't help but notice there was something more.

Xh was very excited to share with S that his MG was accepted into a special parade S and Xh always went to. It is a judged event and you have to make the first cut to even be considered to participate. So, Xh's car is of that caliber. That doesn't surprise me and it shows he actually finished something. I guess that is progress  ::)

The problems I see with this are multi-faceted. First of all we have the fact that Xh did this without S, and had promised to work on it together many years ago and while Xh was living here, before MLC really took hold, that was true. That didn't happen.

Now Xh is driving it around and beeping as he passes the house, but doesn't stop to see what S is working on. Nor has he offered to help S restore his MG. Not that it is a priority, but that was part of the deal and the original plan was they would try to get them done to ride in the parade together.

To add to this both S and Xh always went to this event together. Two years ago, Xh "ran into" OW, so S was with the 2 of them most of the day. This year S won't be able to go because he has college classes on the day of the parade and them semester will have just started.

In a normal situation, that would simply be one of those times where as a parent you could say "that is how things go sometimes". However, this is a more delicate thing. This is not about the parade or event, it goes much deeper.

It is in those moments where I just shake my head and go WTF?

I have to wonder if any of this enters Xh's mind. Or will he be proud as a peacock and so self absorbed at this event that he won't even give it a thought. In some ways, I hope it hits him hard as he is driving in this event - by himself. Not to punish him but to somehow slap him hard enough to realize the pain he is causing his kids.

The reality is though, I know even if he does "see it" he will continue to avoid facing that pain and will put on the good facade in public.

For me, it is an exercise in trying to realize I may be rather indifferent at times, but the kids are still feeling the effects of MLC more than I am.

This morning I was thinking I would like in many ways to not ever have to see Xh again at this point, only because right now he just brings aggravation to my life. It would be easier for me to move away from the MLC madness.

I have to remind myself that the kids are going to have to learn on their own what boundaries to put in place and if this keeps up, how to detach from the crisis version of their F. It is not easy to bite my tongue.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2019, 10:08:47 AM »
Attaching as always, Mourning.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2019, 12:11:52 PM »
I had the dog for this morning for a couple of short walks, but that clearly did not meet her expectations. She filed her complaints with me and I just returned from a longer walk. It was enjoyable, but I was mildly annoyed it disrupted the project I finally found motivation to do.

I realized this is part of what people find confusing about me at times. I attack projects at work and other places, but behind closed doors I have moments of procrastinating, especially now that MLC ran me aground for awhile. I find the MLC projects Xh left behind often take extra energy to tackle. And it is not even so much a trigger as I have to fight that bit of aggravation and questioning "why, just why" did he do these things, as pre MLC he never would have put a piece of styrofoam and screwed it into the wall to keep the pocket door from coming off it's track. It is not seen by anyone else, but it makes no sense and when I discover these little things, I have to overcome the feeling of "great, more stupid things that need fixed".

Once I accomplish them, they remove the annoyance and make the house more "mine".

I think the dream about the holes in the floor are in many ways about these stupid little things I keep finding. S is finding them as well. Some we laugh at. It is tough when Xh used to be so picky about finish work. But now, I could easily say that most of the projects Xh took on in MLC remain anywhere from 50-80% complete because they are just not done, or he did some stupid fix.

I stopped by my parent's house. My M asked me a question that had to do with D on vacation. D was very open about Xh and her issues. The overall context is not important but when my M said to me "why do you suppose he does that"? I gave the answer that I have often quit speculating. My M is a fixer. I never was a fixer, but I have said it before, I did enable later in the relationship. I told my M that it is not that I don't care. It is not bitterness, but my own self preservation at this point to push those thoughts out of my mind as much as possible. I post about them, as a way to release them from my thoughts, because in all honesty, any interaction with Xh makes me say over and over "what was he thinking" or "what is it going to take".

My M could see I didn't want to talk about it. I told her I understood she is still maybe grappling with this, as she is just now seeing it clearer, but I would like to be able to move forward with my life and not continually ask myself "why" in regards to Xh. My M finally said she sees now that I am not wrong in being able to see clearly that Xh is in fact following the path his F took.

My M said she thinks it will take a miracle for Xh to come to his senses. I answered it will take that and a lot of hard work. I said if I ever see that happen I will be the first to drop to my knees and say "Hallelujah". And it is only for my kids' sake and perhaps Xh's sake, because maybe then the madness can stop.

I walked home and thought about part of my desire for more distance. I can forgive and have, but the forgetting is much tougher. In the early days of monster, pre joining HS, I was mentally beaten down. Being an "enigma" was now a bad thing. The very reasons Xh loved me were all wrong. He compared me to OW, even before starting a PA with her. Nothing I did was good enough. I was told what I would become. What I was not. What I was.

Some of the criticisms were not without merit, as I am human and have flaws. But, in the past he would have called most quirks or embraced those aspects. This level of criticism was not like "hey, I wish you wouldn't do that" or normal complaints people have when they have been together. These cut to the core. I twisted myself up into knots trying to appease the monster, until I didn't know who I was.

The longer he has been in this "state" of MLC, I just don't see how I could ever trust him. I have a large amount of faith in people, but the truth is even if he were to start showing me with actions, that level of trust is so shredded to bits, like it has been put through a wood chipper. My own sense of self was destroyed by allowing myself to become a victim of his MLC that I cannot go down that path again. Call it fear. Call it whatever you want.

The more I realize how hard it was for me to become okay with being who I am again the less I want to do with Xh. I will always love the man who was, and I don't regret so many of those years.

This "enigma" is in a much better place and maybe some day another will embrace having someone who confuses the hell out of some people - LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2019, 05:00:57 PM »
Before BD #1, when I thought we were just "going through a rough patch" and I was convinced I couldn't do anything right and questioning everything about myself Xh and I were invited to a dinner.

The neighbors directly east of us had 4 boys. I babysat all 4 of them at one point when I was in high school. It has been funny thinking back because first of all when that couple first moved in, they swore they didn't want kids. They ended up being very good parents and the oldest of the 2 boys were really only about 10 years younger than I was, but when you are 16, and the oldest was 10 it seemed like a huge age difference. So, it is always funny when someone asks me how I know one of the guys now.

The second oldest was always my favorite. He had a gleam in his eye and was so curious about things. He wanted to know everything about my F's work. He was always smiling. Health problems plagued him in his 20s and yet, he always had a smile on his face. Now nearly 40, he is a F to 3 daughters. One who is S's age and the other 2 are in 2nd grade and kindergarten. He is a phenomenal F. I see him most often at his job as a chef.

The other boys all have kids and the neighbor lady watches all of the grandchildren during the week. She clearly loves being retired and a grandma.

The second oldest used to come over with his W and kids and they would visit often. Xh and he built a spectacular farm table out of barn timbers. It is a huge table, over 6 ft in length and to thank Xh, this guy invited us for dinner. He and his W were renovating an old farm house.

It was a lovely dinner and yet, I recall that on the way home there was a sinking feeling in my stomach. It would be about a month later that BD #1 came.

I see the families often outside and when I am walking the dog, the kids come running, often shrieking in delight wanting to pet my very eager dog. My dog has never been one to turn down attention. She doesn't know her own strength, so she will practically pull me over if I am not prepared.

Tonight, I stopped and we talked about the divorce a bit. He showed me pictures of their current kitchen renovation and I saw the table had been moved to the kitchen area. I was glad it was being loved and the girls now do their homework while the parents cook meals.

I noticed the second grader had her nose in a book. I asked her and she proudly said she loves to read. I told them I would be back and brought a stack of books that D had cleaned out recently. I have a slew of things that both kids have been sorting through and have been ready to donate them, but this was far better. The twinkle that her F has in is the second grader's eyes as well. She is a carbon copy of him.

When I had returned with the books, I had also been smart enough to bring biscuits with me and each kid got to make the dog do her routine. She sat and let them shake her paw among her other little entertaining antics. The kids were having such a good time. And the dog was clearly loving the biscuits. I don't think the dog realized I had broken them into small pieces and it really wasn't any more than she usually gets.  ::)

I walked home feeling a sense of calm and perhaps a desire to attack some of the projects plaguing me. What helped was the guy telling me they had a leak in their ceiling and discovered the problem. It required pulling down the ceiling. But as they pulled the ceiling down, they found not one layer, but 5 layers of ceiling and the wiring was wrong.

I decided maybe I need to reset my brain at times, perhaps fooling myself and seeing these things as if I had bought the house myself and am a new owner. I need to try and let go of the frustrations of the MLC projects. It doesn't mean there won't be grumbling, but maybe I can somehow make it easier to release the frustration if I remind myself that I did in fact buy the house on my own now. It is mine and all the problems that go with it left from the previous owners in part - albeit it was Xh and myself - LOL.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2019, 05:05:51 AM »
One thing at a time now......



Quote from: MourningDove
I have to wonder if any of this enters Xh's mind. Or will he be proud as a peacock and so self absorbed at this event that he won't even give it a thought. In some ways, I hope it hits him hard as he is driving in this event - by himself. Not to punish him but to somehow slap him hard enough to realize the pain he is causing his kids.

My money is going on

because, for him to realize how his actions are affecting his kids, he would have to focus somewhere else than on himself and since it is all about "ME ME ME ME ME!" at the moment, he simply can't/won't see/acknowledge it to himself...


Quote from: MourningDove
My M said she thinks it will take a miracle for Xh to come to his senses. I answered it will take that and a lot of hard work.
And maybe a 2x4 upside his head.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2019, 09:28:51 AM »
UrsaMajor - Well, if "Mona" says so  ::) LOL  Should have known you would find an enigma giphy. Hahaha

Well, for whatever reason I was wide awake very late. I found myself up until 1:30 am and spent a bit of time chatting with my friend abroad, who scolded me for still being up.

I can't attribute the sleeplessness to anything in particular.

S and his friend insisted they were going to install my dishwasher for me and I was to just sit back and relax while this happened. Of course, like any project it became a bit of a bigger job, but it is in and now I have to put in additional moulding around the sides of the cabinet. It is maybe a good thing, as it will push me to do a mini-renovation on my kitchen.

I love the kitchen, but it is overdue for some just basic maintenance. I need to reseal the African slate flooring and the windows need to be replaced. The house had all new windows, but the kitchen was on the list before MLC for replacements.

I have been making an "attack list" for projects this fall. The windows, with some help from S or possibly the neighbor kid are a project I can tackle. They are on the lower part of the house and because of the deck, they are easier to manage.

I woke up feeling refreshed even with the late night. The sun is out. The water was boiling for my coffee and I went out on the back deck to see if the pond needed any topping off. I had trimmed the peach tree, which last year bore 3 peaches and I noticed the darn thing is loaded with peaches this year. They are rather small, maybe double the size of an apricot, but they are definitely peaches. I had to laugh because Xh was going to cut it down at one point because he was convinced it was never going to bare fruit. The nursery said that it sometimes takes time and the kids and I convinced Xh that even if it never bore fruit it was a lovely little tree. The kids are going to be happy to see those little peaches.

I have missed having a garden, but I am not able to manage the flower gardens and such on my own as of yet. I have to be gentle with myself on that front. I keep reminding myself that I have had a lot going on with trying to get D back on track, etc. that I am only one person.

It is tough at times because I know my grandmother managed a farmhouse on her own well into her 80s. The woman who lived her prior to us purchasing it kept things neat as a pin and she was 96. I can still remember her going out in the fall clearing the orchard. But, I have to also remind myself that I am not just managing the house. I am rebuilding so many parts of my life while trying to stabilize other parts.

This morning the confirmation came in that I am going to have that second class at the college in addition to my other courses, which will be an easy one for me to add. It is going to add an additional prep, but I have taught this class for years, so it is a bit easier and will allow me to be able to experiment some if I so choose because of my comfort with this class.

That has made the stress lift some and enough for me to see possibilities this morning. I spotted my small "garden" I had to have - one I could manage. It is a grouping of plants potted on my deck. It is not exactly the sprawling garden we used to plant, but it is something. I had a fresh tomato that had ripened finally and some fresh basil and I made an omelet this morning.

I am coming upon the second year of being officially divorced and it hits exactly on my first and second BDs - if nothing else, my Xh was very consistent in his timing, as he dropped both BDs on the first day of school. Ironically, my divorce was finalized on that day as well 2 years ago. When that happened, I remember sort of laughing thinking how the universe was clearly finding some humor in that day that I didn't. It came and went last year with little thought. This year, I don't anticipate any big events, other than the parade Xh is in will be that date this year.

As for my own feelings on it, it is simply a day on the calendar. I will not forget it easily as it correlates with the start of school, but even this morning I had to stop and think about how many years it has been. In reality, the divorce was just the formal end of the marriage. This had been going on so long, I have been "alone" for much longer, even when Xh was living at home.

I thought about when the last "loving contact" we had, which in reality was an extended "touch and go" was nearly 4 years ago. So much has happened since then and I often stop and recall a time when I thought I would never get over the pain, as it seemed impossible to see a life without Xh.

This morning, I can't imaging going back to a life with that much pain. There are too many moments to enjoy in life to be and be grateful for - something my Xh can't seem to see.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2019, 12:36:47 PM »
I am having a good laugh at this insanity. It would have been something that would have pushed me over the edge while in the thick of MLC and on days where I am ready to crawl back in bed and hide from the day. But, somehow I am just laughing at it.

I had taken today off to tackle a whole slew of things that need to be addressed. A day, I had resigned myself to knowing it would result in probably a headache of sorts from staring at the computer or from being on the phone.

The first was not on my list, but I wanted to check my bank account. Hmmm. Good thing I did. I found a series of "new and different" charges that are not mine, nor either of the kids. Not huge amounts, but little nibbles it would seem. Uh huh, Well that prompted me to call the bank. Looks like someone is trying to test my card out. I had to laugh because right now, good luck - there is not much to take - LOL. I don't put all of my money in one place anyways. So lock down that card. Stupid. But, glad I caught it when I did. I am getting my 4 miscellaneous charges back, each odd less than $5 amounts. But, of course that also means I had to make calls to those places that are on automatic payments.

It is a Monday. LOL

I have a list going and I was feeling good as I checked off each part of my list. That is until the phone rang and I had to add another "need to deal with immediately" events. This has been going on all afternoon - this pattern. LMAO

But, I am rolling with it. I got D's health insurance transferred over to my policy. I was doing it online and gave up when the site started to act up. I decided to just call a representative. Remarkably, I got through immediately. Done in 15 minutes.

While I was on hold for another task, I filled in all of my calendar dates for school that I know of. Days off, professional days, etc. I have a couple of surprise days off from the high school and because I don't teach until Tuesdays now at the college, I am going to be able to take a couple of long weekends, perhaps, after getting out of my Friday classes. I can flex the galleries and the millwork.

The numbers for my fall classes look good in the overall. Strangely, the computer class at the high school level is small, which will be perfect. I had 45 students last year for that course. This year they split into different areas and my design class, which is hands on is the popular choice with about 20. A bit more than I would like, but manageable. My computer class has 7 at the moment. That is actually a fantastic number as that course is much more complex with students having their own laptops. At the college it is easier, as I am in a lab situation and the lab has a full time tech. I am it when it comes to the tech issues during class for the high school. So, it has been a problem in the past, or at least at times a headache when tech problems suck up instruction time.

I am apprehensive to say it looks like things are actually shaping up to be a really good year, because I might jinx it - LOL.

But, the schedule I am looking at and the number of students is bringing me a sense of calm. It is manageable and a really good schedule. My Wednesdays will be mine if I plan it right without compromising my financial aspects. I am almost afraid to say this is definitive, because I keep feeling like I am missing something. LOL

D invited me to come for dinner while she is house sitting. She is so proud of herself, as she had gone grocery shopping and has a meal plan for her time alone. This experience is proving to be a good break for her.

This morning I realized that the cat that used to be Xh's has started a new thing. She was traumatized when he left and we have had problems with her digging the furniture and other problems. The kids did not want to get rid of her, nor could I see doing that, as she had been a part of the family for a very long time. During MLC, in the summers, she always wanted to go out at night, then would crawl on the roof to meow into the air conditioner, making a horrible noise. If you kept her in, she would push things off the counters and surfaces until you let her out at 2 am. This has stopped all of a sudden. She has been relaxed and seeks me out now.

This morning I realized I haven't had to play those games with her this summer as far as going out or coming in. She has been going out during the evening, but coming in when she sees the lights going out. She races to the back door to come in and makes a beeline for my bed. She parks herself at my feet and lately I find her by morning lying right next to my side. She will lay there until I get up. It is a huge change for her. She was Xh's cat, there was no doubt. I guess I have become her human. I am not sure how the dog feels about this - LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2019, 07:08:29 PM »
I drove up to see D at my colleague's house. D had made a really nice dinner and is enjoying her time house sitting. The neighborhood is very quiet, but the neighbors are very friendly and helpful. My colleague had said they would look out for D and so far that is in fact the case.

D made stir-fry for dinner and she shared with me some guy from high school she hasn't seen in over a year, a guy she was nice to, but never friended on FaceBook, or any other social media, sent her a d!ck pic today. She was mortified and said he sent it via SnapChat and quickly blocked her or whatever. She is not scared, and wonders if he meant to send it to someone else, but she said it seems rather suspect. I told her if it happens again then it should be dealt with.

Her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is not pleased, nor is S or D's other male friend, who is like a B to her. He was visiting our house the other day and is leaving for college -- moving out of state. D joked she has no shortage of protective men in her life and she was sure BIL, if he found out would send out troops to hunt this kid down if anything more comes of it. I laughed and said that was probably true.

I was worried it would rattle her and I told her to turn off any location pings. She laughed and said the only people she allows access to her location are her boyfriend, S and myself.

I asked if she was okay. She laughed and said she is in a house that is heavily alarmed because my colleague's H runs a business out of half of the house and the dog is very protective. She was sleeping well at night and is sure she will be fine. I think she will be too, but I worried about her anxiety.

I drove home taking backroads, as I had taken the toll road on the way up. It was a truly pleasant drive home.

The dog was aching to go for a walk. I gave in, in spite of the sun having already set. It was both a relaxing, yet could have been an unsettling walk. The moon is almost full, so there was a brighter sky, but the corn is insanely tall and throwing very dark shadows across the road. With the corn rustling in the gentle breeze it is easy to see why this type of scene is used in horror films. It was a bit ominous. LOL. But, the crickets were chirping away. Had it gone silent, I might have been nervous -  ::)

As I walked down our driveway, I noticed in the garage window a giant sunflower. S's GF was sitting in the garage and spending time reading, while S worked on a truck tailgate. We talked for some time. I found out S is wanting to work on a sculpture and cast it in bronze. (I have been saying all along the more artistic side of him is going to come out at some point). He was proud to announce he had sold the older dishwasher, which still works. He said he didn't ask much but figured someone would use it. The gentleman that bought it was thrilled.

And then I asked about the sunflower. S's GF smiled and said he came home and told her they were going for a ride. He took her to the sunflower fields nearby and he found her the biggest bloom he could find and cut it for her. He smiled as she was telling me the story and said he remembered from having been on the hayrides a couple of years ago, that you never break them off, but they are supposed to be cut, per the farmers.

S is a romantic underneath it all and it was such a simple thing. I am grateful that this young woman seems to appreciate his seemingly small gestures.  :)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2019, 12:57:50 AM »
Having been the recipient also of an unintended d!ck pic once (easier to do than people might think if you hit the wrong person in your contacts list but still.... EWWWWWWWW!) I'm guessing that, based on the reaction of immediately deleting the contact, etc., the sender was probably thoroughly mortified (as well he should be!)....  Every year, in the various parent's council (PTA-like) meetings, the subject of "sexting" is brought up with an admonition to the parents to take a look occasionally at the kids' phones...

But still....



The story of the sunflower is one though that just proves that there is still good in the world....



Your Monday sounds a lot better than mine... At least you were able to get a few things done off your list.... Good for you!
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2019, 06:20:39 AM »

So much has happened since then and I often stop and recall a time when I thought I would never get over the pain, as it seemed impossible to see a life without Xh.

There are too many moments to enjoy in life to be and be grateful for - something my Xh can't seem to see.


I feel this way on occasion as well, MD. 

Yes, way too many moments to enjoy and be grateful for.  Life does, indeed, go on and I work hard now at living it in the largest way I can! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2019, 03:45:51 PM »
UrsaMajor - I believe that was D's exact reaction. She laughed and said she did not need to have this information about this guy. She is pretty sure it was a mistake. D is very careful about social media anyways. My SIL was a state trooper and showed D and S how easy it was for a predator to track down someone on social media with virtually no information to start. It was quite terrifying, TBH. So, that was the start of D, in particular not being one to share too much. Besides, she is also aware that employers will check social media. She said she shakes her head at how many friends have "fake" accounts. She has just taken the stance that if she has to create a "fake account" it is probably something she doesn't want to share anyways.

The sunflower story was a nice one and the darned thing is huge. We put it in a vase, but I heard it tip over at midnight and I came downstairs to see my kitchen floor covered in water. We had to find a much heavier vessel for it. Hard to believe the stem can hold it up.

stillbaffled - you have been doing a good job living your life since the MLC madness.  :) I actually thought of you the other day, when S talked to me about building a pole barn. It is a conversation we have been tossing about a little. All I could think about when he assured me that it didn't need to be so big that it would accommodate a combine and other vehicles, just his "toys", I thought of your barn.

It was a funny day. Lots of unexpected things that made me laugh and other things that just annoyed me a tad. I worked at the millwork this afternoon and there were documents that were half filled out by people who went on vacation. The mediocrity was a little aggravating. My supervisor and I just dug in and addressed it. The paperwork holds up the guys in the mill and the extra 5 minutes it would have taken on each project was ridiculous. It made more work for us, but it is accurate now and we made it happen.

Before I left for work, my coworker sent me a text. He knows I am a music "weirdo" in that I am full of surprises. He wanted to know if I wanted to go away with him was the first phrase. I laughed and said I wasn't exactly sure I knew how to answer that, as it might be a loaded question. LOL. He said that no, he is traveling to see Iron Maiden and his one friend bailed on him so he ended up with an extra ticket. When he mentioned who was going along, I really burst out laughing and said that might be worth just going to witness, as it is with the other guy I work with, who is so straight-laced I cannot even picture that. But, I have to work and I am not sure it is a good idea anyways. I joked with him that I figured he just wanted to get pictures of me dressed up for that concert to blackmail me with later. I am not sure I am up for a weekend with 5, thirty something year olds at a heavy metal concert. And I am not sure I want my other coworker knowing that much about me. Nope. I am good.

When I came home, there was a white truck in my driveway with NJ plates on it. Not one I recognize. S's roommate is from NJ, but I know his truck. I got out and a guy was driving a 4-wheeler around my yard. He saw me and came right over and introduced himself with a very firm handshake. Just as he was doing that, S drove in followed by S's best friend. So, it would seem S's best friend and this guy were roommates in college out in the midwest. He came for a visit and S was going to fix his truck for him that acted up. It was all good, but of course, because my life is so bizarre, my one set of neighbors that live way down on the opposite end of the road, drove by and they are gossips. I laughed and thought "here I go again" - what rumor will be spread this time. They were friends with Xh, so it is always amusing to hear what will come about. Luckily, they so rarely drive down the road and take the alternate route to wherever they are going, I rarely encounter them.

So, let's see what funny story I will hear now. LOL.

At least now, it is amusing and doesn't get to me. Let them come up with some cockamamie story. I know my truth as do my real friends. Which is I come home to a houseful of twenty something year olds most nights. Walk my dog and on occasion I dress up and go out to an art opening or perhaps a tractor pull - LOL. Not exactly partying with the Iron Maiden crowd. LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2019, 02:09:33 AM »
Iron Maiden?  and a full moon (tomorrow)?  What could POSSIBLY go wrong? <snort>


As far as the fake accounts go, D has the right attitude - if I need to fake it, it probably means that I don't want to be identified with it and therefore probably means it should NOT be shared...  :o  I know that an applicant for an Operations Engineer here was rejected because of the crap they had posted to their FB account... The Ops Manager was NOT interested in his life of drunken parties...

I HAD to start laughing when I read about S and the Pole Barn... and, of course, the FIRST person I thought of was SB... especially when S said it wouldn't need to be big enough to hold a combine.... <snort!>
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2019, 02:17:06 AM »
Funny isn't it that most LBS become a bit allergic to social media for a while, probably bc the disordered are so fond of it  :)
And post-MLC, we might need to decide on what and how we reengage with it or don't depending on the circumstances of our work and family life.
But yeah, there is a lot of crazy out there and I think your daughter is quite right...if I need a fake a/c, probably means I'd be better to step away lol. Never had a fake anything like that actually...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2019, 08:22:09 AM »
UrsaMajor - LMAO - yes, what possibly could go wrong with that entire scenario? LOL. For one thing, I am not really a huge Iron Maiden fan, even with a free ticket being waved at me, and I like my metal bands. My apologies to any Iron Maiden fans - LOL.

Had I grabbed onto that invite I am sure there might have been a wager as if to whether or not I was going down the MLC path myself. LOL

In all honesty, had it just been my coworker, I still would not have gone. My head has not been in the right place lately and I am afraid I could find myself in a very reactive mood and do something I might question myself on later.

The other issue that had me uncomfortable is the other coworker. I get along with him, but I don't trust him in the same way I do my coworker. Other coworker is not as cautious as my coworker in terms of social media, etc. My coworker has social media accounts, but he is very guarded about what he posts and such. The other is not. He posts every thought, every picture and allows students to have access to the accounts. He is young himself and he once asked me why I don't allow students on my Facebook account. I told him that I don't feel most of them need any more access to my life. I have former students on occasion, but they have to be former students and at least 18. I am not going to open myself up that way. It is not that I have anything to hide as such, but I don't like my personal life put out on display without my knowledge. I may be social and bubbly in public, but I am very private. Even my Facebook account, I really don't put too much out there for people to see.

It did make me feel good though to be asked and for someone to think of me.

And funny thing was, I was actually looking into a couple of concerts, one being Lindsey Stirling, which is not exactly Iron Maiden. LOL.  In the meantime, my friend from high school called to see if I wanted to go with her to a couple of concerts. She didn't mention which ones. I suspect it will be some 80's group or a country concert. But, we always have had a good time. We will see.

Treasur - I was never a huge fan of social media and then completely cut myself off for awhile from Facebook because of OW. Instagram, I will probably never get into only because that is a huge trigger for me. Xh lived his life on Instagram and I saw several photos of OW that I will never be able to unsee that came up on the screen. He spent his whole MLC fueling that fake acquisition of followers and friends and it bothers me still. I won't pretend otherwise.

I went on a complete, nearly off the grid approach during MLC for a year. At that time, I carried 2 cell phones with me at all times. One for home. One for work. They were always ringing. When the job ended and moved out of the area, I had to hand in that phone. Xh took me off of his corporate account but added both kids. It was a clear FU statement at the time. Right after BD#1. So I decided to not get a cell phone. I virtually quit social media and the only thing I kept up with was my emails for work and such. It was tough at first, but the only time I missed the phone was in an emergency and finding a pay phone was impossible. I really did not miss the phone after that year. I have one now and am back on Facebook, but the rest - I could care less about.

It is in many ways about being fake. I am never going to be comfortable with that aspect. It is not in my nature. I have a few "friends" on Facebook that I scratch my head and wonder what I was thinking at the time - mainly former classmates of mine from high school that weren't really my friends then, but we all sort of accept those friends because it seems like a good idea at the time. LOL.  ::) I have unfollowed a couple of them. I haven't unfriended anyone other than Xh and that was after he and OW played games. But, unfollow - there have been a couple of guys I went to school with that would get into political debates on a daily basis to the point where neither was going to sway the other and after MLC, I have no stomach for those types of arguments. It was way too similar to MLC monster for me.

I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night. Fell right asleep and then was wide awake for absolutely no reason at 3 am. By 3:30 I logged into Facebook and I knew as soon as I did, I would be busted and my friend abroad yelled at me for being up. LOL. We chatted awhile and by 4:30, I was finally tired.

As I was online, a news bulletin flashed on the screen and there had been a body found not too far from my house. As of this morning it is being considered a homicide. That was a shock. This area doesn't normally see too many murders and I can think back to maybe one 25 years ago in our town. Beyond that, it is a pretty quiet community. It didn't alarm me as the details seem like it was a hit and specific. Sad and I wish these things didn't happen, but it certainly doesn't make me want to pack up and move, which was what my other friend said to me. She has a flair for the dramatic anyways - LOL. If she had enough money, she would be the type of person who would move every time she was unhappy with the weather in the area, no matter where she was.  ::)

I had to be up for a doctor's appointment this morning with a dermatologist to just do a general check up. With fair skin, I know I have to mindful and all was fine, but I had to laugh when the nurse came in and said I would have to strip down and was it okay if not only the doctor came in but the visiting resident. Both were men. I told her I had nothing to hide at this point in my life and laughed thinking that this is what is has come to - LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2019, 02:21:08 PM »
My GP is a woman and I think about half the time, she's more embarrassed than I am..... LOL

And, I have Lindsey Stirling tickets for the 12th of September. Last year I took S for his birthday (first concert) and this year it's both kids....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2019, 02:39:30 PM »
Sometimes the reminders of MLC just creep in. It is not actually always a bad thing anymore, at least not in this case.

I had gone to work at the millwork and my supervisor and I were discussing an old project. I stopped and realized it would have been a project that Xh had taken on, one I wasn't supposed to know about. It lead to a second project. The first was designing and installing a kitchen for a woman that was an employee of one of his clients. She was an older woman and treated him like a son. I always liked her. I wasn't supposed to know about that job, but mind you the woman was loaning him her car at times (I can't recall why) and he would have me drop him off there. He was always evasive about the work he was doing, but I knew it was one of those I would later note in the divorce. It was not something I pummeled him on, but little does he know, I had evidence of the income and tucked it away in case I needed it.

It got to that point, I am afraid. It is not something I ever hope to repeat. I am not someone who operates well under falsehoods or lack of trust. I don't generally collect evidence. But, I had to in order to protect myself and the kids.

I know darn well that this little kitchen renovation was the excuse OW gave her H to have Xh show up at their house. I don't know how much he was involved in it, but they found reasons for him to be there.

None of that matters anymore in the grand scheme of things, at least not in terms of my own forward motion. What it does do at times though is to remind me and not in a triggering manner, but a reminder that I did not imagine some of the changes.

My supervisor has never mentioned having met Xh. I know my boss had several times over the years, but not for that particular project. This  would have been in the MLC era. She gave me a look today and said she could not see how I was ever married to him, as he came across as a used car salesman in his approach - over the top. I laughed and said that was not the same man I married. I told her that in his crisis he had a need to behave in a manner which was insincere. For many years I did not witness that from him. He could put on a good dog and pony show for clients, but it was with a level of humbleness and dignity, not this schtick he had going on.

I pulled out my phone and showed her a pictures I still have on my phone. They don't bother me nearly as much as they once did. I didn't save them to somehow fawn over Xh or to get mad, they have simply become gentle reminders at times for me that I have not imagined this transformation.

I pulled up a photo of Xh with the kids and I from when they were little. He was genuinely happy and at that time wore his hair cropped short, and wore suits. I never minded the transition to more casual attire, but the long hair, with a pony tail and Kurt Cobain daily wear was a huge shock from what had been. My supervisor's eyes got big and said "WTF"?. I laughed and said I have muttered that a thousand times if not one.

She expressed sympathy and said it had to be a sad thing. It was, but life has been moving on.

I have a lot to be grateful for and at times it only takes a simple thing to remind me that I am in a much better place - away from the madness. My phone had rung earlier in the afternoon and my sister had called. She relayed some information about a doctor's appointment my M has. She was on her way to "hitting practice". I laughed and said it was a good thing I knew what she was referring to. She picked up my nephew from the batting cage and the phone rang again. It was my nephew. He wanted to say hi and wants to know when he can come and stay with me. I laughed and said I would look at the calendar and we would make a date. He was clearly loving that idea.

I must admit, I am liking it as well.  :)

LOL - UrsaMajor, you posted right as I was about to post.

I apparently have no issues just dropping my clothes in front of random men - LOL. This was a new doctor. Okay, maybe not just random men. LOL ::)

As far as Lindsey Stirling, I can guarantee my tickets are not for the September 12th concert - as I am assuming she is playing in Germany. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2019, 06:24:51 PM »
I took the dog for a long walk. When I left, S had several cars in the driveway. The young man who was here yesterday was on his way back here because his truck is not running properly. S offered to help him fix it.

By the time I came home from the walk, there were a couple of additional cars, including D's boyfriend. His car was making a noise and S said it was the brakes. S said he will fix those for D's boyfriend this weekend. D was still at my colleague's house with the dog and cats.

I had made brownies before I left, knowing the boys would dig into them. When I saw S's other friends had shown up to help, I made a decision to go in and make them dinner. The only thing S had asked me for was some rags, as he was out of them in the garage. It was like a regular pit crew out there.

When I came back out with plates, silverware and a platter, the guys all stopped and stared. I had cooked a steak for the 3 remaining guys. S gave me a hug and I overheard the one friend say to S that he couldn't believe I had done that. S laughed and said that was just me and I used to do the same for Xh when he was working in the garage late at night. I didn't always bug him to come in and eat dinner, etc.

I have made a lot of mistakes throughout my marriage and am far from perfect, but that was one of those things Xh accused me of at one point - being selfish. I questioned myself on that front over and over.

I didn't baby Xh and tonight I joked with the guys that I was making sure they ate properly, but I expected my silverware and plates back in the house tonight. They obliged and put them in the dishwasher.

I didn't wait on Xh hand and foot. But I did care and enjoyed taking care of him sometimes. S's friend came in and thanked me again. He went on to say I care more about him than his own M when I asked him if he had gotten enough to eat. That made me sad for him.

I am not always thrilled with the extra cars and kids at my house. But, on nights like tonight, when I see them all working together, I will put up with my car being parked in the yard. LOL

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2019, 06:58:30 PM »

I HAD to start laughing when I read about S and the Pole Barn... and, of course, the FIRST person I thought of was SB... especially when S said it wouldn't need to be big enough to hold a combine.... <snort!>


MD - for sure your S needs a pole barn!  Just don't let him get carried away with the size of the thing.  Lol! 

UM - Lindsey Stirling as in the musician I watched on Dancing With the Stars?!?  I love her!  What a fun concert to attend. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2019, 03:14:52 AM »
UM - Lindsey Stirling as in the musician I watched on Dancing With the Stars?!?  I love her!  What a fun concert to attend.

SB, yep. That's the one!

MD, yep! Jahrhunderthalle Framkfurt...
https://www.facebook.com/tours/592215871266787/
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #20 on: August 15, 2019, 08:33:51 PM »
stillbaffled - I am not sure it will accommodate a combine, but he is talking about something that is 30'x40' and just storage. No frills. I have no problem with that, as I have the space and it will add equity to the property. And, it might mean I could actually fit my car in the garage that is attached to the house in the winter - LOL.

UrsaMajor - okay - I am jealous. LOL.  ;D

So today was, well…a day. Blame it on the full moon? IDK.

I had to pick D up first thing this morning to take her to the college where I work so we could move forward on that transition. I was where she was staying by 8 am. It meant I was up and out of the house by 7:30 am and we hit the ground running. We were at the college for about 2 hours, and had to schedule another visit next week to solidify things. D was in hyper organize mode and I couldn't handle it this morning. As we waited in line, she started rattling off things that are coming up next week, thing she needs to do and I told her to stop. I cannot process things the way I used to after MLC. When I am focused on certain aspects, like getting through the line and focusing on the steps that needed to happen at that moment, I couldn't deal with "oh, remember, I need to go to the Dr on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, this, Thursday, that…" She was just talking, and I was on sudden overload. I told her to make a list and we would discuss it, but I was not capable of it at that moment.

She finally understood what I needed.

I had to be at work at the one gallery to set up a show by 11 and would be there until 6. We had a huge show coming in and we had prep work, etc to do to get ready just for the install. It was a good time, as I worked with one of my colleagues and the intern. We took a brief break for lunch and then it was back to work. We accomplished so much, which felt good.

By 4, I decided to go pick up a coffee and my phone pinged. It was Xh. He wanted to let me know that he "threw the check in the entryway to my house on the floor". Ah, okay - that is a new one. I said fine, but was a bit annoyed, considering we have 2 different shelves and a small cabinet he could have put it in instead. How about set it on the chairs I have in the entry? Put it in the mailbox like in the past? Or, clip it to the door, as I have a little clip where I leave payments for the propane delivery person. Xh knows these things. In the past he has left it in the mailbox or clipped it to that little area. It was odd.

I was meeting D for dinner and then had to go pick up things for the gallery that I need to deliver tomorrow.As I was on my way to meet D, who was cooking dinner, I got a call from my millwork supervisor. She had a few questions to run by me, as she knows I have taken a couple of days off next week to deal with some things before school starts. It will be another full day tomorrow.

As we were eating dinner D mentioned she had heard from her F. I said "oh"?. She heard from him on her birthday last week after he was ticked at her and said to her on her birthday "have a nice day". She responded but she said he didn't text back. But, today's text she said was really odd. He simply texted "wow". She said she has no idea what that means at all. Beats me.

I left to go run my errands when S called me. He hurt his back and needs to get into a doctor. And his knee is still bugging him. He goes back to school next weekend. I asked him if he was home. He was. I asked him to pick up the check off of the floor. He said his friend had taken car of that and put it in the kitchen on the counter for me. And then it came out - S was laughing about it saying how completely ridiculous.

I am not laughing about it. I should be as in reality it is amusing, but I was at my tipping point. I focused on my errands and then after loading up the car, I turned on the ignition, but just found myself sitting in the car, crying. WTF??

The young man who was here from out of state had been here all day yesterday and they worked on his truck. He was trying to get it fixed before this weekend, as he needs to be back to work. He was a huge help to S yesterday and was nothing but polite and thoughtful. S's friend has known him for years, and I trust that particular friend of S's completely. So, when this poor guy was needing to pick up parts and kept working on his truck I said to S that I was okay with this kid working in the garage. I also told S to leave the door unlocked and the kid could shower and such if need be. S had to work and was home at lunchtime.

I came home and found out that the young man did shower and took care of the dog all day long. He took her for a couple of walks and he thanked me again for being so hospitable. S told me that he was very appreciative and he could see why S's friend says I am like a M to all of the kids that show up. They know the rules and abide by them.

Well, what had occurred it would seem is Xh showed up right as the kid had finished showering. He was dressed, but his hair was wet and he was getting the leash to walk the dog. S said he introduced himself to Xh, but didn't specify who he was visiting. Simply said his name and shook Xh's hand. S mentioned this little transaction because he asked the kid what happened. The kid said after Xh left he picked up the envelope and put it on my kitchen counter.

So, it would seem, Xh has decided I have a new, young boyfriend. S was amused at the idea, as I am not out carousing around and I may joke with the guys in the garage, but I am the same woman who will come out and yell at them for doing stupid things. It is pretty clear, I have no attraction to any of S's friends.

My friend told me she thought it was funny. And it really is in many ways. Because it is ridiculous. And even if it were true, what business is it of Xh's?

What is not setting well with me and what really stung was I never looked at another man when I was married. At least not in a sexual manner. I was faithful for all of our marriage and only had eyes for Xh.

I worked through the MLC accusations months ago where Xh projected and accused me of 2 affairs. I laughed off the post divorce accusations which have been beyond comical. So why tonight?

It was really bugging me being accused again of something that is so counter my nature. I would not date a guy that young - one that is the same age as my S. It wouldn't even enter my mind. And the kids joke about the age threshold they set for me, but I know that if I were to suddenly bring home a 20 something year old, they would in fact have a hard time with it.

I think it is the idea of more character assassination that I don't deserve. I will shake it off, but it really stung. It shouldn't, as again, as other's have pointed out, it is not Xh's business and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I still hold myself to my own standards and moral compass. I have not changed in that regards.

After a good cry, I came home and S and his friends were working away. The first thing they all did when I pulled up was they grabbed keys and jockeyed their cars around, full well knowing that I get at least one spot in the driveway. It made me laugh.  :)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #21 on: August 16, 2019, 01:45:15 AM »
"Earth to xH! Earth to xH!  Important News incoming!"



Now go away....

Maybe that moat needs to be equipped with a guillotine so the next time he pokes his head in...


And yeah, somehow I'm not picking up that Epstein vibe from you..... I'm sure that the Velociraptors would NOT be kind if you were to be walking around with some BoyToy on your arm  ::) .... Sounds more like a bit of Projection to me....

The BIGGEST question is though.... How did he fill out the check? Red Ink? For an odd amount? To whose name?
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #22 on: August 16, 2019, 03:39:40 AM »
I was wondering the same thing.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #23 on: August 16, 2019, 04:23:17 AM »
There are lots of things you could do to metaphorically build a bigger moat of course but you know that. I guess when I have had similar big emotional moments when my head knows that it is a piece of nonsense or that I 'shouldn't' be bothered by it...and yet somehow I am...a little bit of quiet digging normally turns up the Hurt behind the hurt if that makes sense. A missing bit of healing work that needs a bit of attention, a bit like a cobweb in a corner of a clean room I missed. Do you know what the feeling was really about, Mourning, as it stung so much?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #24 on: August 16, 2019, 02:26:09 PM »
UrsaMajor - Hmmm, a guillotine might be a bit extreme - LOL.

For many years, my F owned horses. I can remember him telling me not to touch the electric fence, but when I was about 4, I went to feed the one horse a carrot and grabbed onto one of the wires. Yah, that is a feeling you never forget - LOL. So, I am thinking an electric fence might be the way to go. Maybe after a couple of jolts he will get the message.  ::)

Someone asked me how Xh got in the house anyways. The door was unlocked and the inner door was open. I often leave the screen door open in the summer when someone is home. The kid visiting S was in the house, getting ready to take the dog out, so the inner door to the entryway was open. But to put the envelope on the floor? It made no sense in terms of logic. While I believe his issue with my name on the check is not a game he plays, this was a definite message to me.

So, to answer the question, Thunder and UrsaMajor, as always Xh provided a bit of entertainment and insight into the messed up mind of a MLCer in the tunnel.  ::) No name on the envelope, but a footprint from the dog was on it.  ::) I am not entirely sure what the scribble on top was in the area where my name should be. The ladies at the bank were able to make out the first initial of my name, the middle initial and last initial, as they looked capitalized. They shook their head and said nothing, but full well knew this is a constant issue. The name was all just smooshed together. His signature is still bizarre. But the new development was that it would seem I now am a business expense. Dumba$$ wrote it on his corporate account. I took my usual photo evidence and filed it away. I don't think his accountant will like this, but not my problem. I know from doing his books years ago, (and I am not an accountant) that this is a stupid idea. It makes life much more complicated come tax time. Oh wait, I am not even sure he is filing taxes anymore - LOL. Oh well, the check went through.

Treasur - Hurt behind the hurt makes complete sense. I think I can compare it to when I have gotten a thorn or splinter, remove what I perceive is all of it and it heals over. Then later a pain arises and I discover that there is still a small fragment lodged deeper. This was that type of sting.

I can attribute it to several things going on in RL that have me emotionally stretched, combined with things that are out of my control right now. Nothing epic, just little things in life, pushing down on me all at once.

And the truth is, the envelope on the floor really bothered me. The added implication of me somehow cavorting with this young man did not help. It took me some time to figure out why these things pushed me over the edge.

Part of being an enigma is being okay with that "title". Not for any other reason than to find that sense of confidence and comfort in my own skin. I have done a good job, after a great deal of introspection and hard work to find that inner strength. I am keenly aware of my flaws, the places I can improve. I am okay with my path and knowing I am still sometimes clawing my way back.

The character assassination has been easier to shake off and laugh off most of the time. But the check on the floor combined with those accusations was too much. It brought back a memory of when Xh was angry with me after BD. Hahaha, come to think of it, when was he not mad at me during that time? At any rate, he was deep in his PA and spending money like crazy. We needed something for the kids and I had just paid all of the bills from what was now "our money" aka - all of the money I was bringing in. There was no more to be had and he took a wad of cash out of his money clip and threw it at me. With it came the accusation that I was sleeping with my friend - a rumor he and OW were more than happy to spread around. One that was so incredibly ridiculous that anyone who knew me well would see the humor in that statement. But, I remember thinking at the time, I had somehow done something wrong on both fronts. I must have been careless the money that month. I should have done this or that differently. All of it was part of the projection game and yet Xh would weave in some little shred of truth, as miniscule as perhaps "you threw away a tomato and wasted money". It would set me to question everything. The gaslighting, looking back was so easy to fall victim to.

It was just enough yesterday to make me say I had enough.

I was awake quite late. Not able to turn my brain off, mulling it over. I finally fell asleep around 1. My phone pinged at 3:30 am. I rolled over and there was a message from my coworker. WTF? It was a smiley face and "hey". I didn't answer it until later this morning when I was with D at PT. I asked him what that was about. He said he had a dream and was wide awake and knows I keep odd hours. He just was thinking about me. UH??? Okay. But, he made me relax a bit when we talked. He quit his second job and it is a bit tight financially, but he wanted me to know I was right. I told him that he was going to burn out and miss out on some important things with his S if he didn't slow down. He said the last couple of weekends with his S have been pure joy and they have just been spending time reading and doing simple things. He wanted to know how I got so smart. I laughed and reminded him I have a bit more experience in that arena.  ::)

I am feeling a sense of some confusion right now and there are so many unknowns at the moment. Loose ends. Unanswered questions. I know most of them will be answered soon enough. I cannot let the fear of the unknown hang me up.

I have to work part of tomorrow, but I am really tempted to go somewhere on Sunday and clear my head. I need a mental break before more insanity hits.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #25 on: August 17, 2019, 09:01:28 AM »
Last night, I was in bed fairly early. I was tired from the night before and the lack of sleep.

Thursday had been a very physically demanding day, setting up the show. I laugh when people will come into a gallery and make comments that make you realize how easy they think setting up a show is. A lot of thought goes into a good show. And when you are dealing with sculpture in particular it is really a workout. My intern went to move one piece and I started to laugh. He stopped and gave me a look of confusion because it is a relatively small piece. It was built to withstand outside elements and people sitting on it, etc, so it weighs easily 400 lbs. I told him it was not going anywhere easily. There were at least 15 pieces of sculpture that had to be moved and set up among the other work. Add repainting massive walls, bases and other tasks, it was a full day. So, by Thursday night, I was physically worn out. But, a good worn out.

And yesterday was a busy day at the other gallery. We had steady traffic flow and the day went by quickly.

I came home and S was on his way to his friend's father's farm for the evening to help repair a piece of equipment. I handed S money and said to buy pizza for all of them. S tried to argue with me and I joked with him that it was cheaper than me going out to a hotel to get some solitude. He laughed. He said he realized I have been pretty patient with all of the additional bodies around as of late. He gave me a hug and told me I was the best. I told him he needed to leave before I started crying - LOL.

I spent some time talking to a friend. He is always a good one to kick my a$$ and push some hard questions when I need them. But he is also good for a laugh. We talked about my coworker a bit. The fact is, my coworker is a good friend and I do trust him. Yes, having a man who likes spending time with me is nice. His attention can ride the line of being intoxicating for me when I am feeling less than, but it is also incredibly confusing. It is that nice to have companionship, but I crave something different. My friend has pushed me a couple of times as of late.

It goes back to compartmentalizing for me. I am not sure I can keep compartmentalizing my life like this in the long term.

My coworker is fun. He is trustworthy. We have some deep conversations, but they lack true depth. If I remain compartmentalized, that would all be good. But, I don't really operate that way.

It is a strange place to be.

Most people have told me that I am lucky to have this younger man interested in me. And if I were to tell them it is a bit lost on me, they would think I am a nut. It is not his age. It is in part life experience. It is that he is usually in one speed zone. He is full of energy most of the time.

I love chocolate, but I couldn't eat it morning, noon and night. My coworker can be a bit like having too much chocolate - LOL

And, the reality is this is really not about him. I am in a weird place right now.

S leaves for college next weekend. D is here, but she is with her boyfriend so much, I don't see her all that often. I am coming up on changes again, after having just gotten used to them being home. The changes are a bit jarring at times.

Last night's full night of sleep helped immensely with my own mental state. I was frazzled the other night.

I am back off to the gallery for a few hours to finish off price lists and the little tasks. It should be quiet.

Tomorrow is looking like my plans to go on a hike are going to be dashed. The weather forecast changed rapidly and it is looking like some severe storms are rolling through. That said, I am not beyond going to the lakes and watching a storm roll in. Hmmmm.  ::)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #26 on: August 17, 2019, 07:56:52 PM »
I am just worn out tonight.

My intern was done with his internship on Friday, but had offered to come in. He was invited to go away for a few days, and I told him he should go, since he has worked almost every weekend this summer.

My colleague was packing up her house, as she is moving starting next week. She too offered to come in, and help, but I told her she should not be stressing out.

It stormed all day and I had 2 customers who came in, but the afternoon was quiet in terms of traffic. I was actually grateful for the solitude. I focused on getting the price lists and other materials ready for this big event coming up. I set up new templates and things were falling into place.

I had dinner with my parents and spent about an hour with them. I had shown my M the check yesterday before depositing it. It came on the heels of my M still struggling to "understand" what is going on with Xh and at times probably thinking I am somehow exaggerating this nonsense, which she knows is not like me, but let's face it, MLCers do things that are unbelievable to us. For those who don't witness it, it seems impossible. Well the check must have made an impression, because then M asked about the others. I pulled up my photos I have archived of each check and showed my M. These are things I haven't shared. There is no reason to do that. But, my M was stunned. She was shocked the bank has even cashed 90% of them based on his crazy writing. But, as she said, they know him and know me, as we banked there for years.

I was going to go home and I had an invite from my coworker to go out. I declined, telling him I was way too tired. It wasn't a lie, but I am honestly keeping my distance. My emotions have been too "all over the place" and I need to shake those out before I step into a potential situation that might just really confuse me more. I am not used to being like this, as I was never like this pre MLC. And admitting that somehow makes me sound like I am a hot mess - I am not. I am just not used to being on occasion unsure of my actions, my feelings, etc.

I have found that those little residual triggers sometimes creep in and I have to fight them. They aren't nearly as bad as they once were, but if other things in life are stressful, I sometimes have a harder time with the triggers. I used to be able to shut off those things - compartmentalize and multi task more in the past. I would deal with the emotions, but I could set them aside and focus. It doesn't come as easily to do that now.

Instead, I laughed as my Saturday evening was spent at the grocery store.  ::) I was craving ice cream and considered going out to ice cream stand, but instead settled on something that shocked S. I usually get chocolate or cappuccino or some variation there of. On occasion, I will go for something different, but vanilla is not on my list of favorite ice cream. But, tonight, I found a Vanilla bean with bourbon ice cream. OMG - It is a good thing it was just bourbon flavoring, or I would have been in trouble. My friend told me I was a novice and should have put real bourbon over vanilla ice cream. LOL

Well, I apparently drowned my sorrows in the full pint. OMG - I never do that - Hahaha. I will be walking tomorrow for sure and going back to behaving with my diet. LOL
« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 07:58:18 PM by MourningDove »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #27 on: August 17, 2019, 11:35:29 PM »
Oooh, that ice cream sounds GOOD!

The crazy crept in on small steps I think. And we adapted to it bit by bit until it becomes so WTF that we need to shut it out. But I'm glad you showed your mother the cheques. Bc it helps not to feel as if others think WE are exaggerating or being a bit crazy doesn't it? I'm sure the bank ladies have no doubt it is weird bc they see the cheques! Even if we are too tired of crazy to want to talk about it lol.

With this 'cheque on the floor' tbh it just sounded like your xh made some assumptions and had a bit of a tantrum?..but let's face it, our spouses stopped behaving like normal sane decent adults, let alone like themselves. We know that even if we still find it incomprehensible sometimes and understand why others might find it even more so bc they don't always see what we see. But gosh, knowing that others understand a bit why you might need to respond as you do to the situation makes it easier...i suppose it takes the pressure off to explain his inexplicable behaviour or justify your own. Is there a way to change the 'cheque' game, Mourning, that feels worth doing?

You do sound a bit tired. And lots of things are changing round you with the kids for instance too maybe?  I think that most of us have a thinner stress skin after this life experience, so you are not alone. Maybe it is all part of a shift in you from living through this to figuring out what living aftervitbmight look like? I hope you can make some time to get back to some long walks with the dog, some wind in your hair drives and some space to recharge your batteries.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 11:38:00 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2019, 11:17:41 AM »
Treasur - LOL. The problem was that ice cream was TOO good. LOL.

Yes, the crazy comes tiptoeing in. I know I saw it a little and dismissed it or explained it away. Then without realizing it, I did adapt and it became "normal". The problem is quite often Xh was able to maintain enough sanity in his outside world or at least because he compartmentalized his worlds more and more, that none of us compared notes. I am finding out now in small pieces, that some people who worked with him saw odd things as well. Changes in his behavior.

Does it matter in terms of Xh's path now? Not really. That sounds perhaps cruel, but the harsh reality is, I have no impact on what he does or doesn't do any longer. I have to keep letting go of it.

The small tantrum, and it was a tantrum of leaving that check on the floor was a way to drag me back in. I think part of my frustrations lie in that I just find myself comfortable in my level of detachment and he does something that sucks me in. I let it get to me. It is not his behavior as much as my response. I didn't laugh this one off. I let it get under my skin.

I have let a lot get under my skin the past couple of weeks. It all goes back to not forcing myself to just shut my brain off completely at times. I am better than I was, but it is a work in progress. When I journal it, I sound like a broken record, but I do notice when I have made efforts to do a better job and when I stumble. And it is important for me to journal it out to see my own repeat performance to help guide me to grow and change. It is not a pattern I want to keep repeating, as it is not beneficial.

One would think that rest is what I need, but the reality is what I need was found on my kitchen floor. I keep the house clean, and mop, but after seeing the weather report, a long walk or hike was out. There are severe thunderstorm warnings with possible flash flooding being predicted. And the mosquitos were out in full force already this morning, so I considered my options.

I was cutting up a fresh cantaloupe from one of the farm stands nearby and dropped a piece of melon on the floor. As I picked it up to throw away, I noticed the grout was stained near the sink. Well, that did it. Now mind you, I have on my list of projects removing and replacing the grout in the near future, but I grabbed a bucket, a scrub brush and got down on my hands and knees.

S's GF came in the door. S is on his way to talk to Xh about finances for college.  ::) I am not even going to touch that one right now - LOL

S's GF asked if I was okay because I had streaks from tears on my cheeks. I said I was just having a moment and needing to cry. She said she understood that and then giggled and said I looked like Cinderella. I was wearing a dress (yah, I didn't change out of my sundress - but took my heels off - my plan with the rain was to go out to run errands instead nearby where the storms were not supposed to hit until later in the day). I had pulled my hair back in a ponytail, but had been scrubbing the floor so hard it was falling out a bit. I was scrubbing the floor with a small brush just working out my aggravations.

It wasn't about the floor after awhile. I needed that physical release and a feeling like at least I was doing something. I wasn't thinking about anything other than the next grout line. 

As I was doing my little project, I started staring at the space under the sink. It is an unfinished part of the kitchen. One of those projects Xh never finished. It has bugged me for the longest time and he took a couple of short cuts that made no sense. He would not let me finish these things when he was in MLC. I wasn't supposed to help on projects any more. And it was one of those situations where I now realize he didn't like that I was capable of doing things. It somehow chipped away at his then fragile ego. In the past, we had always worked on things together.

During MLC he in fact got mad when I came up with a solution for the brooms and such. I had seen a sliding unit that went in a cabinet by a refrigerator. I haven't built the doors or the cabinet yet, but we had plenty of space along side of the fridge for one. He used to throw the broom along side of it and it would fall over. He was so angry when I devised a sliding panel with hooks on a wooden decorative panel. The kids thought it was ingenious. He was not impressed.

As I looked under the sink, I have now plans to make the curved doors that he never completed and how to make that space under the sink actually a functional space with a sliding unit for the garbage, something he said was not possible. Yah, now that I look at it, he would have figured it out in the past. He just didn't care by then.

And of course, I noticed a bit of a questionable fix that I didn't pay attention to during the MLC renovation. His choice of how to run the electric for the dishwasher is not exactly what I would deem up to code. That is going to be addressed. I am betting his cottage is completely up to code because Schmoopieland has a very demanding boss and she would have been cracking the whip. LOL

Hmmmm. Maybe this year for Halloween I can go as Cinderella - before the ball, as I am pretty sure this dress is officially ruined.  ::)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #29 on: August 18, 2019, 11:46:24 AM »
Big difference though Mourning when we can see the nature of our response and the context right? And find a way to work it off if we can't work it out  :)

Lots and lots of layers in letting go, I've found...maybe we just let go of different things at different stages? When we're ready maybe? I found strangely letting go of my m and my h as a person was much easier than letting go of the need to try to make sense of the sheer insanity of it. Or the sense of injustice and how much it sucked to be so powerless over so much of my own life bc of his actions. I hated that and hated that I hadn't risen above it actually.

Read somewhere that someone else said he needed to beat his own questions to death until his brain gave up and fell over, and that he needed to remove as many of the effects of MLC from his current life as he could. And that the second took much longer to do bc the effects were so big and widespread and practical....but as he chipped away at them, he could feel MLC fading from his own current life. Just like that missing bit under the sink....one more bit of MLC to remove and replace with something better.

Well done on staying away from the convo between your son and his father. Better for your son to see how it is front and centre for himself imho, part of his learning process too. How much longer does the cheque game have to run, Mourning, as I am assuming it is linked to your daughters age/education plans? Is it worth changing how it works so it can just be a bank transfer and no more cheques? You could lie about the reason and blame it on the Nice bank ladies lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #30 on: August 18, 2019, 05:59:59 PM »
Treasur - Hmmmm, I am reconsidering that whole guillotine addition that UrsaMajor suggested. LMAO

I took a long walk, but I was considering bourbon- hold the vanilla ice cream tonight. Wow.

D came home after being away and had to tell me all about her week, which was fine. But, she was also wanting to discuss the upcoming week. I was in no mood for mental over stimulation and overload. I had already looked at this week's calendar and did said a prayer, asking for guidance on how to manage this week. There is a lot to accomplish for not only the kids, but for myself. It will get done, but it is going to be just one of those insane weeks.

So, I was processing all that D had going on. When S came through the door. Seems Xh has said he will give S $3K this year for tuition. Ah, how nice of him. Less than last year and he is making more than double. Hmmmm. No mention of D. Now, I know this little game of Xh's he did this last year and then came on with his Superman cape and gave S more money because he needs to be a hero. This is not new, so I am shaking it off a wee bit.

But, no mention of D.

D has not heard from BIL in a couple of weeks, which is odd. So, who knows what is going on there. D is going to call them tonight. And, I am fine if they are contributing to D and S's college. I just need to know as do the kids so that we can make the adjustments.

What tipped the scales were 2 things. One being D being in a very talkative mood and wanting to go with me on my errands. I was going in all honesty to get away for a bit. And had D not been gone for a week I would have taken my time away. Yes I saw her briefly, but she was gone for an extended period of time the week before, so she wanted some time alone with me - and since her F has done a remarkable job of making her feel unwanted, I have to be very mindful of when I say I need time away - today was not the time. D not only wanted to go with me, but asked if she could drive because she needs the practice. UGH. So, driving lesson was added. LOL.

I am grateful I let her drive. I learned on our way to the city that Xh, when he took her (and this is MLC Xh - the pre MLC version would have never done this) would play with his phone when D went out the three times he took her. He yelled at her when she did something wrong. She said she didn't know you weren't supposed to go around someone to the right on the shoulder if they were turning left, because everyone does it. She did it with Xh and he yelled at her and asked her "WTF are you doing"?. That would have never been how he would have responded and he would not have been on his phone. So, on the way back, I was much more aware of how I need to explain certain things to D that Xh never did. She did fine, but she chose to go a route where there are roundabouts and thank goodness it was quiet today. LOL

I came home to find S wanted to talk. His phone had broken and the ringer no longer works. The alarm is broken as well. I had told him if he could wait a couple of weeks, we would look into a new phone. He pays his car insurance and for his car while he is at school. Per the divorce I am paying for the cell phone bill. S bought the phone outright last time. Xh didn't offer to help him buy a new one, but said S needs the new one and it is only $30 a month added to the bill. I snapped. How nice of Xh to have a conversation with S about something he has no input on. S felt bad, but I told him that is where I lose it. I said unless his F is offering to pay for the phone or to buy S a new one, or help him pay for a new one, he is not a factor in my finances. I was clearly in a very "venting mood" and told S and D, who was in ear shot, that to be very clear, any expense that is on my tab and their F doesn't pay for is not up for discussion outside of this household. I told them that he chose to leave and if he has concerns he is to bring them to me, not to them.

I am tired of this aggravating game.

But, on my walk, I had to relax and be realistic. Okay, so I have 2 more years of support. Realistically, he should be now paying at least double. He should be paying for D's college and medical, etc. Yes, the checks are aggravating and he is always late, but he is paying them. So, what do I do?

If I want to push these issues, I am looking at retaining my attorney again with $5K down. That is just to get the ball rolling. That will take time and he will no doubt play more games. So best case scenario after paying my attorney, what - I might actually see $7K over the next couple of years? I am going to run the numbers, but I am really more and more just wanting him to leave me alone. The truth is, I also know the more money he "gives me" the more control he believes he can exert and will have some more input into things like college etc. I am not sure I want this type of interaction with him. I have to remind myself that he is still deep in MLC land. He is not making progress right now and I lived with the MLC monster, I know how controlling he was. And charming at times. I am not so sure I want to play that game.

And make no mistake this is not being a doormat, nor fear. This is really how is the best way to keep my boat from rocking and keeping my sanity. The money hurts, but having more to do with batsh!t crazy is more painful.

I will sit on the situation longer and see how things shake out once school starts.

And if anyone else notices it - this is par for the course for my MLCer. He likes to shake up things right as school is starting up. BD #1, BD#2, divorce finalizing, winding D up, not going to move in day with S last year… and then we had the mid semester "head poked out for a bit…followed by the end of the year blow up, only to disappear for weeks afterwards. This is just more of the same games. So, the point is, how do I not get sucked into his games, and do my best to support the kids and myself. Because, he is going to play this game again it would seem.

If I didn't have to be on the road by 6:30 am tomorrow morning to take D to deregister from her former college and be back to a meeting at noon, I would seriously be considering a couple of shots of bourbon, minus the vanilla ice cream tonight - LOL
« Last Edit: August 18, 2019, 06:05:20 PM by MourningDove »

Online OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2019, 08:10:24 PM »
It's interesting. From the outside where I am, the check on the floor makes complete sense. I don't know if he had a tantrum and threw it on the floor. But if he didn't, his seeing a strange male in the house might have left him overwhelmed and he simply dropped the check. That he didn't bother to pick it up because he was trying to keep his composure as he was leaving. And not necessarily because he thought you had a "boy toy ", but because there are people he doesn't recognize in his family's house, who are so welcome they shower and walk the dog.

What does that kind of kindness, on both your part for allowing the stranger (to your exh) acces to your home, and on the kid's part for wanting to pay back by walking the dog, feel like to an MLCER who no longer understands kindness?

Of course, I could be wrong and he was just ticked because you didn't stay where he put you. Do you know if the check was thrown or dropped?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2019, 08:22:15 PM »
The beginning of the school year must be extra stressful for you since you also have to restart up your own school year. I suppose one advantage of a standard year round job is there is not a ramp up every single year.

I forgot, do D and S qualify for any grants/scholarships or low cost loans? My D managed to make it through a four year private college with a minimal amount of low cost loans by getting several grants and scholarships.  (The grants were not grade based, but based on other factors)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #33 on: August 19, 2019, 01:44:46 AM »
Next time he pokes his head up?



I guess it really is choosing which battles to fight and which to walk away from....

Stay away from the bourbon though.. If you are gonna go down that road, pick a good Scotch... <snort>
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #34 on: August 19, 2019, 01:51:58 AM »
OR raises a good useful point.
We learn to interpret and predict the nasty crazy stuff as part of our self protection don't we?
But of course that might mean that we infer or assume things that are not always true...or that we don't know. Maybe real detachment is when we unhook ourselves enough from what happened before to just do the facts.
He came to your house with one of his weirdly written cheques, the door was open, he came in, he met the young guy and the dog, he left the cheque on the floor, he sent a text saying 'Wow'? Is that about it?
Same with the 3k...your son has told you his father has said this. But you are also aware of a historic repeating pattern linked to the beginning of the school year so your radar is up. If you stopped interpreting but just saw the facts, would that help or hinder you?

Would you feel less triggered if you removed any interpretation or does that feel too unsafe to do yet? Would it help you if you did see it in a neutral way?
Something useful for us all to consider probably once we are a few years out or when the MLCer is less active in our lives...thanks OR, has made me review a couple of things going on right now.  :)
« Last Edit: August 19, 2019, 01:56:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #35 on: August 19, 2019, 02:51:04 PM »
OffRoad & Treasur - he stated he threw the check. Of course, yes, that could be left up to interpretation. He did grill S about this guy and made a remark about "a new boy toy" to S.

But, with that all set aside, you are both correct in that those things could easily be left to interpretation. It is not unfair to suggest that maybe I am so conditioned to the nonsense  and the like that I am expecting these things. I have not seen anything different.

It does come down to, quite frankly, how I want to deal with it. That is part of my frustration in that I want to get to a point where I can be so detached that I just don't care what happens in terms of his actions and those checks.

I think part of my reaction is also a protective mechanism for me. If I anticipate it, it aggravates me, but it is better than the shock that used to roll in.

I guess the trick for me is to try and monitor these things and not react. The additional stress of the time frame is not helping.

And, I am frustrated by Xh's lack of not only financial help, but his self-centered behaviors which allow him to schedule to be in parades and the like showing off his renovated car, but cannot make time to help S move in, or to even find out the things that need done to transfer D. And, I need to learn to let those things go, because they are just going to fall on me to manage at this point because I cannot expect anything different at this point. I will only know it when I see consistent changes to know if Xh is really making efforts.

Every year does ramp up. In a normal year, there is a bit of stress, but last year was tough because D and S were both going away to school for the first time. There was a considerable amount to worry about in regards to getting them out the door. This year is somewhat better in regards to S, as the prep work is slightly less. D on the other hand, with shifting schools is more complex. Add to the mix, in my own situation, my own college courses are somewhat easy, but my high school/college course situation is a bit more complex and is making me rather anxious.

I am waiting on answers and a whole bunch of unknowns. One being where exactly I will be teaching - not only which classroom, but if we are in fact on the new campus. They shifted courses around and last I knew, the administrators have pushed this through, but no one has actually bothered to talk to our department about logistics. I still don't have any supplies ordered, etc. I have my contract in hand, finally. But these loose ends this time of the summer are making me uneasy. It will all work out, but I am not thrilled with the lack of plans.

As for loans, yes, both kids applied for loans and scholarships. Those are not part of the ongoing issue. D will also get a break on a couple of classes she is taking at my college because both kids are eligible for a tuition break because I work there.

It goes back to what was decided on in the divorce and what the courts mandate vs what Xh likes to do to come up with his own interpretation.

UrsaMajor - You have no idea how much that made me laugh this morning. When D was about 5 we took the kids on vacation and spent time at an old fashioned arcade. D was a tiny little thing and was not into sports, etc aside from running. She was into being a princess who twirled around in a pink gown most of the time. But, it would seem D had a knack for the game Whack a Mole to the point where she beat the snot out of the little buggers. We have always joked about her hidden anger issues. So, it is rather appropriate - LOL

As for the Scotch - Got any suggestions?  ;)

D and I were out the door by 6:30 AM to get to the college. After the hour and a half drive, we went to all of the necessary departments to withdrawal and make sure we had everything cancelled. D agreed that I should drive the back roads back towards home because the traffic was insane on the toll roads and expressways. Besides, she had a desire to sight see along the way back. I was rather surprised, as she is not the kid who likes backroad travel.

I had a noon meeting with a former coworker whom I worked with 25 years ago. She had been one of my mentors and we met up with a couple of other former coworkers. It was a fun lunch, and it proved to be a good work connection. The one woman who took over my position, who I worked with briefly before leaving is wanting to do some collaborative educational things.

We had other college related items to deal with later in the afternoon and then D was going with S to his PT appointment. He is still in pain, but was happy to have D go along.

I decided not to go, as I need a nap before working late into the night on a freelance job and to prep for my day tomorrow. The day tomorrow should be a little quieter, although I am going to be driving all over.

Wednesday is going to be the tough day and then the rest of the week is somewhat "tame" although I am working each day because people are on vacation.

I so need a vacation. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #36 on: August 19, 2019, 03:44:03 PM »
Sometimes in life it takes awhile to show you the results of believing in someone and knowing they have it in them. And those moments sometimes come at just the right times to remind you that in spite of all of the stress and aggravation when you teach, that you get to witness some amazing transformations. And it comes down to people not only being resilient, but having others that believe in them.

My mentor and I had a student many, many years ago who had one of the worst upbringings one could ever imagine. It has been a long time since I have thought about her, but from time to time, I think of her in particular because she was a fighter and not always in a good way.  ::) She could be a tough nut to crack. LOL

She had every reason to be mad at the world. She was born into a family with drug problems. Her M ran off with countless men, I am not sure what the F's situation was, but she was thrown into a system that failed her in so many ways. They put her in foster homes and often the wrong type of homes - places that wanted to convert this kid into some angel right out the gate. One instance was when they put her in a home that was incredibly religious and family oriented. They were strict and one would think that would have been good for her, but it was such a culture shock that she didn't know how to acclimate. At the age of 14, the state finally granted her emancipation. It was unheard of and her then teacher suggested it. It was in many ways the best case for her, as she was by then pregnant. This young girl was  determined to get her high school diploma and the school worked countless hours to try and not only help her, but to give her life skills. And the teachers were not easy on her.

She landed in our classroom and we discovered she had a talent for photography. She came to school and just had a thirst for it. My mentor worked with her after school. The young woman worked her way off of public assistance, something she was adamant she wanted for herself - to be truly a productive citizen. But, man, she was a spitfire at times - LOL

I worked with her on and off and at one point, I took her for a portfolio review at a large university where she could have her work reviewed by several schools. She was only a sophomore. It was a brutal event and she was fuming on the way home. The nearly 2 hour drive back she spit and sputtered and we talked about what she had learned. She was so mad at me for pushing her to go to that event. About a week afterwards she came to me and apologized and realized I had not taken her there to torture her, it was because I believed in her. I didn't get paid to give up my weekend. The next year rolled around and she asked if I would take her again. We did this for 3 years.

She had other tragedies along the way. I know she has had a couple of failed marriages. But, she went on to raise 2 daughters and has been a remarkable mother.

Today, I happened to mention this young woman to my former mentor. She smiled and said this young woman worked for years after going to college and getting her degree. She just returned from a trip abroad, which made me just smile because it was one of her dreams. And she just started up her own photography business and is doing incredibly well.

What struck me today was how happy this made me and it reminded me that this young woman had things in life happen to her that many of us could not possibly survive. But, she talked about it. Not in a victim mentality, but in a way that expressed her aggravations, and her dreams.

D was sitting there while we were talking about this young woman. She said on the way home that it was a good story for her to hear right now and she has a lot to be grateful for.

Maybe I needed that reminder as well.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #37 on: August 19, 2019, 05:53:12 PM »
That little reminder pushed me a bit. In an effort to pursue some of my own things and to not let life run me I made a call to my friend “M”. I had thought of her earlier today as I stopped at a coffee shop she and I was went to awhile back. We have both been busy and saying how we needed a creative kick start.

I was reminded of a figure drawing group that meets. I sent her a text and asked if she was interested in going. She laughed and said the only thing she had planned was laundry and that could wait. Her boyfriend said to thank me. She has been wanting to go and has found every reason not to go and he knows she loves to draw.

D and S are going to an amusement park with my sister and her family. She invited me but I hadn’t committed to it and my sister was happy I was going to do something for me once. My nephew would have been disappointed but D’s boyfriend is going and between S and D’s boyfriend my nephew will have willing participants to go on rides. I took a rain check.

It is really the mental shift I need right now.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2019, 05:56:37 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #38 on: August 20, 2019, 08:37:04 AM »
My mentor had told me that our former student had a Facebook page, but is under a different name that I would have ever guessed. In my quest to let people know that they sometimes have made a difference in my own life, I sent her a message. I simply told her that she has been thought of often. I did not expect her to even remember me, much less respond. It has been many years, well over 20 years ago.

This morning I woke up to a message from her.

"Oh  you just made my heart grin so big 💜 To say I remember you fondly is such an understatement. You made such a difference by believing in me long before I could. My youngest is in today's equivelent of our class. I told her all about my amazing teacher who took me to the university for portfolio day".

I burst into tears and D walked in. All I could do was hand her my computer and let her read. She smiled and said she was betting that was from my former student.

The thing is, I don't think that young woman had any idea how much she changed my life. Prior to that, I had a pretty sheltered, idyllic life. I  heard stories about horror and tragedies, but I had never really encountered something along those lines. She was my introduction into the world of the "ugly" that truly existed in the world at times, and the pure spirit to thrive and not be a victim. She had a spark you couldn't explain and it would have been easy to give up and to accept life beat you down. And she put on a good front - that hard shell was there.

It was because of her that I think I was able to handle more of some of the other students that have come my way and to maybe see in most people that we don't always know what is going on in their lives.

When I took her to that portfolio event it was because I believed in her work and I believed she had a toughness to survive that type of event and to be true to herself. And in many ways I wanted to see that little spark of hers light up the world. She had it in her.

She had no idea her little note this morning was going to make me find that push I need right now. It gave me some perspective on my own set of circumstances and they do not define me nor do they have to confine me. I simply have to find a way to adapt a bit more to accomplish the things I want in my life.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2019, 08:41:25 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #39 on: August 20, 2019, 03:28:38 PM »
The morning kicked off with having to take D to see her specialist. There was a new nurse who came in to ask D questions and D was answering using medical terminology when the Dr came in and saw the confused look on the nurse's face. He said D is studying in the medical field and has been a "frequent flyer". He then mentioned the case study he had launched the nurse clearly knew about and he pointed at D. As we chatted, D smiled and said that in fact tomorrow is the anniversary of her injury. Wow, she is right and it will mark 4 years ago that she was in training for cross country.

On the way home, D asked to drive and shocked me when she took the backroads. I thought she was avoiding traffic, when she got a smile on her face and said it was about time she tackled the road she makes me avoid at all costs. It would be the road where D was on a trail with her cross country team, training on the lake paths. I have taken her on that road in the past and she would get incredibly mad when I would choose that way home. I never did it to torture her, as it is one of the most scenic drives around. Today, she commented that she had forgotten how pretty it was and one of these days she wants to go back on that trail and throw the offending rock in the lake.

I was off to the millwork for a few hours and then to the car dealership to have an oil change. I laughed when the mechanic came in and I said I knew by the look on his face that they have "suggestions". LOL. Yah, I have had it a year and know with all of the driving I am going to need tires and probably brakes. That was in fact the case. He actually laughed saying I didn't have to have the oil changed yet. I smiled and said I knew I was ahead of the game by a bit, but figured I had best get it done before school starts. I said I was only a couple of hundred miles early if I calculated correctly. He laughed and said that yes, I was 199 miles early and beat the dummy light coming on shouting the car needs oil maintenance. As he was talking to me, the owner walked by and said I was always on top of all of the vehicle maintenance in the household. It was true. I was the one who kept track of those things and registrations, etc. It started when I was primarily the one at home with the kids. It made sense for me to take that on. In MLC though, Xh would take his car, run it nearly out of gas and then get up and take my car leaving me to pray I made it to a gas station. And I rescued him countless times on side roads because he ran out of gas.

With having my own classes gearing up and following S to college this weekend, I knew I should just be on top of the car maintenance.

On my way to the dealership, I had my favorite radio station on that plays it all. They decided to do a block of heavy metal and then switch it up to country. I laughed when they played "How am I doin"? by Dierks Bentley. I suspect in the thick of MLC, that would have made me cry. No tears, just a bit of laughter. Yes, "How am I doin"? Hmmmm ::)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #40 on: August 20, 2019, 11:43:33 PM »
And the answer to that question is?
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #41 on: August 21, 2019, 01:01:21 AM »
OffRoad & Treasur - he stated he threw the check. Of course, yes, that could be left up to interpretation. He did grill S about this guy and made a remark about "a new boy toy" to S.
Oh, well. Pollyanna Offroad swings and misses.

Quote
As for loans, yes, both kids applied for loans and scholarships. Those are not part of the ongoing issue. D will also get a break on a couple of classes she is taking at my college because both kids are eligible for a tuition break because I work there.
That will be nice. Every little bit helps. I remember being left with D in her second year of college, S with a year of high school left, and their father off spending money like water and none of it on the kids. He never paid a penny of child support (or spousal support). And I hadn't had a full time job in nearly 20 years. Fun times, so I feel your pain.

I bet you can hardly wait for the school year to settle in.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #42 on: August 21, 2019, 05:55:21 AM »
UrsaMajor- lol. I think yesterday the DJ was having a good time with the song choices. He played a block of Dierks Bentley after his metal block. The song he chose after How am I Doin’ was Living which is probably accurate.

Some days are just days, some are tough and others I notice things to be grateful for. In the overall sense even on the days I struggle, life is much more balanced and I am generally happier. I think in all honesty when things go amok it sometimes throws me off because it is a fear.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #43 on: August 21, 2019, 09:04:38 AM »
Well, I got interrupted mid-post.

The fears that emerge at times come when I might be down on a day or have a moment of frustration. These seem normal to most people and should feel that way to me, as they are normal ebbs and flows of emotions at times. But, having gone through MLC and BD, etc, I find I am at times more susceptible to being afraid of those feelings creeping in. Because there was a time where I could barely function in the midst of all of this nonsense and I never want to get to that point again.

So, I have to vent or do reality checks now, which I never felt I had to do.

With that said, I also know while the actual BD no longer weighs on me the same way and I have to think about things in terms of how many years ago those occurred I do know because of my Xh's desire for consistency that BD #1, #2 and the divorce all coincided with that first day of school. It is hard not to at least recall that time frame. And, the truth is, life for me can be a bit more hectic getting ready as it is.

OffRoad - LOL - I actually appreciated the Pollyanna OffRoad reality check. I am not sure it was a miss. I might have misinterpreted it and have to keep that in mind. I have been conditioned to think this or that, but it doesn't mean that is still true. And  if for no other reason as to remind me that even if it was one of Xh's temper tantrums, so what? And it may very well be that Xh messes with not contributing to D's education, yet again. I have options and I have choices - in other words, he no longer controls me, no matter how hard this version of MLC Xh tries. He jerks me around, but ultimately, he has no say in my life and I need that reminder.

And in reality, he really no longer has any say in D or S's choices in terms of "legally". They are adults and co-parenting in the manner which he claims he wants to have happen (never does) has past. It doesn't mean we stop being parents, it simply is the reality, one he cannot get through his head, that they have more say in their own lives and there isn't too much we can do about it. The only recourse I have in truth, is they have to abide by my rules in my house. Beyond that, there isn't much I can do. And, I have no problem with that, as the kids are good when they are with me. Both kids voluntarily put me on all of their forms. I don't ask, nor do I expect them to do so.

I had a meeting at my new campus and D had to get registered. She was able to secure a really good schedule, in which her boyfriend will be able to drop her off and pick her up, most days, as he works near the college. On the 2 other days, she got a class that starts and ends right before my classes, so it means I will just build my office hours into that time frame and move them from after my class. In reality, for me, that is a good move as well.

Financially, this semester will be a huge savings for her. My tuition reimbursement, combined with living at home and her financial aid will pretty much eliminate a lot of the expense. She will be able to pick up with with my department if she wants the work. We need tutors and the like, and my colleague approached D about it. So, I feel better about that piece of the puzzle being in place.

My classes for the high school - that meeting was good, but wow, talk about being just thrown onto a deserted island without survival gear. It is going to be a brutal start. The classrooms aren't even done yet. I did get to tour the new building and it will be awesome when it is done.

There are some fantastic changes for me - some really good things that came about. Finally, one of the administrators said that is was beyond insane to require another teacher in the room with me. It is one of those crazy rules that if someone wasn't certified at the state level they needed a full time, certified teacher in the room. Someone finally said that these are college courses and I have all the background plus I worked in high school settings for years. Duh - yah, I think after over 25 years, I kinda have that part down. So, that will be a nice change. And, my class sizes seem manageable.

I think the thing I am struggling with a bit is that people in RL don't understand that first of all, just because it has been in fact 5 years since BD#1, and 2 years since the divorce, that I am still trying to get used to certain things. My one friend told me, who had similar financial issues to mine after her Xh obliterated their finances, that it took a good solid 5 years to get things back to normal.

I find people in RL see me functioning and succeeding, but don't often understand why I am exhausted at times. And most of it is mental exhaustion. I have a lot going on that I am going through right now even in my head in terms of logistics. Once school starts things will level back out, but this time of year is when I really need to be mindful and make time for myself.

Today, I am in a decent place and holding my own. I am off to meet my friend "M" tonight and to spend a couple of hours drawing. I really should be home working on some paperwork, but know I also need this.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2019, 09:19:13 AM by MourningDove »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #44 on: August 21, 2019, 10:09:52 AM »
Is it less a fear than a fear of feeling afraid again, Mourning?
Shaking off the residue, and finding it to shake off, does seem to take a while doesn't it?

At one point, I would have said that I would have risked my life for my then h.
Having survived this stuff, I wouldn't risk returning to that place for anything or anyone.

Sounds as if there are some good things happening though...and I hope your drawing class with M recharges your batteries.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #45 on: August 21, 2019, 07:43:30 PM »
Treasur - it is simply that fear of something slowly creeping in. That old "boiled frog" analogy. MLC crept in slowly and so, I suppose it is that mild fear of how those things can creep in. It doesn't happen often, but now and then, it filters in.

I am fighting a little patch of poison ivy on the inside of my elbow, which I am still trying to figure out how it got there. I caught it early enough that I think I have isolated that and it hasn't spread like mad in the heat - thank goodness.

Add to that this morning I woke up sneezing. I took allergy medicine, which I don't do often. Normally it helps, but I spent all of today sneezing and my boss was having fun at my expense because of the frequency. It was so bad that I almost cancelled going to figure drawing class. But, it had rained so the air was a bit cleaner.

I threw on sneakers, jeans, a charcoal/heather gray tank top and pulled my hair up in a messy bun. I had on gold hoops early in the day and decided they could remain in. I was out the door and was excited about the evening.

The group meeting have a space in a very artsy part of the city. It is one of those districts that was industrial that became run down and have now become the place for breweries, restaurants and the like. It is one of my favorite places to go explore. It is also home to the dreaded restaurant Xh and OW frequented and what she nicknamed the blueprints for Xh's cottage. I have yet to go there, but strangely, when I got there, I parked right  in front of it, and shrugged. I didn't care if I ran into OW, Xh or anyone else for that matter - I was there for me. Had it been earlier in the day, I would have gone in and had dinner.

M met me and was telling me she didn't know how I did it, as I always look amazing. I laughed and told her she was very kind, but the truth of the matter was, I picked both the jeans and top because they would not show charcoal or any other medium too easily. Basically, I could make a mess and not worry too much. She thought that was rather amusing.

We were there early and were able to pick prime seats. For figure drawing that means not sitting right on top of the lights, so that you are not blinded and on a day like today, you are not baked out of your seat.

The minute I stepped into the space, I felt this calm. I just felt like this is where I needed to be. It was a comfort I haven't felt in a space in a very long time. The right atmosphere.

The model was phenomenal. He did amazingly creative and could hold poses incredibly well. I had gone in with the idea of just having fun. The first hour, M was laughing at me as I filled an entire sheet of paper with sketches and gesture drawings - some I overlapped. I think there were 10 drawings on that page and I used very different colors than I normally do.

Those came relatively easily because I was relaxed. The longer pose got away from me, but I didn't care.

It was dark by the time we left and we are planning another night of drawing or an art opening sometime soon.

I drove home and thought about this comfort. It felt very much like it did when I was in college. A calmness and I shut the world out - just wanting to do my own creative thing. I spent so many years doing work for clients, that I haven't felt that feeling in a very long time. I didn't even realize how much I missed it until tonight.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #46 on: August 22, 2019, 08:06:10 AM »
I was pretty sure I was dealing with allergies, but it seems I am coming down with what my sister, her kids and both of my kids have had - a summer cold. And, the funny thing is, when they all had it, I was nowhere near any of them. They were sick a couple of weeks ago.

So, I think I am coming down with a summer cold, which is right on schedule. Worn out and gearing up for the semester is my recipe for these things. But, as it is I now see it coming on, I am going to up my sleep and will be more mindful before it gets way out of control. It is more of an annoyance right now than anything else. I am not out and out on my back sick.

I noticed this morning, that even though I scrubbed my hands after class, I have stains from the drawing materials. I am going to have to scrub them again and in the future think about that. I don't really care about the mess on my fingers, but I can't go into professional meetings that are not art related and have people understand.

That said, while I was in the thick of it last night, I was happily covered in Conté dust. A couple of times I must have tried to carefully push a strand of hair back and proceeded to transfer some to my cheek. M giggled and said she remembered me telling her class when she was a student that to please tell me if I had smudges on my face at any time after class because I would not be offended, as it was a sign of getting into my work. She and I have that type of friendship anyways, she is that friend who will tell me when I am being ridiculous, or have that smudge on my face. It is why when she tells me I look really awesome, I truly believe her. She is a true friend - the type I cherish.

On the way home, I thought about how she and I just had an immediate understanding of one another when she was a student. We didn't cross into a friendship until she graduated and had been away at university. She has said the same thing. She is an inner circle type person was well and she said it was odd - that feeling of comfort and trust that came almost immediately. That sense of some other power at work - whatever that might be.

D loves M. She said she was so glad I went out with her last night.

I thought about the restaurant and how now it has a different feeling to it for me. I didn't collapse on my knees and sob. It has been a source of pain for a long time for me. I realized last night, that it is not the place. I never went there with Xh. It is what it symbolized, but in truth, I have accepted that it was a place Xh and OW met up and that really has little to do with me. That is to say, it is not the place so why should I let it prevent me from going? It is really the type of place I love.

And, for a long time, MLC Xh had me so twisted in my thoughts. We used to travel all over and those were the types of places he and I went to on our travels. MLC Xh was obsessed with resorts and the 5 star hotel experiences. I went along with it. When OW came into the picture, he was all about the industrial areas and places with character, etc in terms of dining. When he was just "friends" with OW, he told me he didn't want me along with his friends and I would never be part of that life. Of course at the time, I never thought there was an OW in the mix. He then said I wouldn't like those places. Then it was some other twisted aspect.

In the end, I convinced myself that maybe I had gone to these places because of Xh and adopted his likes. Yah, stupid. In truth, I was the one who introduced him to the places with character. Prior to me, he was used to high end resorts because of now deceased BIL and his GF at the time. When Xh met me, I was the one hanging out in the places deemed "artsy" and with character. It resonated with him.

I have to wonder why then, he so wanted to convince me that it wasn't supposed to have those things in my life. I allowed him to get in my head. I let him twist my brain into a pretzel.

Now I am being more honest with myself and when I walked past that restaurant, I felt the immediate vibe of wanting to go in and have a drink and dinner. It felt like my type of atmosphere. Funny thing is, my coworker's friend owns the place. I know I could convince him to go with me if need be, but I am not opposed to going by myself at this rate. And that fear I might run into OW or Xh, or the 2 together, is not there. I don't care. I honestly believe they would be more uncomfortable than I would at this point. I could be wrong, but the mere fact that none of those scenarios are making me talk myself out of it is a huge improvement.

I still have so many of my own things to overcome. I have my own mirror work. It is tough at times not to fall victim to being human and beating myself up for having flaws or for messing up. I never beat myself down before MLC. I might scold myself and such, but at some point, I would say to myself "you can change this or do better next time, etc". I was able to forgive myself and used the mistakes to become a better person. MLC was a game changer. I was not used to becoming a victim and now I realize not only how easy it is to fall into that trap, but how hard it is to dig out of. Maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn in part. To have more compassion for those who are truly victims. But, on the flip side, it also is what makes me have less tolerance for those who have it in them to overcome being a victim, but make a choice to play the victim because it benefits them. I just know for myself, a victim mentality doesn't suit me.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #47 on: August 23, 2019, 08:15:23 PM »
I had a rant earlier and a melt down later on in the day. And then I got back on track.

But, a moment ago, I had to walk away and just take a deep breath to keep from losing it again.

D has been purging her bedroom upstairs. S is packing for college and both BF and GF are helping. They were all having a great time, as D and S have been finding some treasures as they clean out. Toys from when they were kids. S found a book he wrote in grade school and it was clearly the start of MLC. The story of how the first MG showed up and then the obsession. S has a very good accounting of how that all went down. I could feel a knot growing in my stomach. At least the kids were laughing. Then D pulled out her diary from that time period. It would have been 2010. D randomly opened an entry and she read that "Dad has been a real grouch and he has said he is going to find his own apartment or house and live alone because he can't deal with the chaos". It should have been my clue that more MLC madness was coming down the pike.

That was a common theme by then. Xh got so he couldn't stand anything out of place or things that didn't go to plan. To the extreme. It was when his friend died and when FIL was moving in. He was going to let his F live here and he would move out.

In and of itself, I could have dealt with it, but today had been a wind up to what is coming. I am not surprised, as I have been waiting for it. It is the beginning of the school year and Xh cannot stand he doesn't have control. So, based on MLC history I figured I was going to see some monster.

And then it came. I was at work and the phone rang. S was stressed out. His financial aid is not as good as it was last year and while D is in good shape, he is having to come up with more. Xh had taken out a loan for S, to pay for a tiny portion. No mention of D - like that is any surprise. What came out of S's mouth was "Dad is pissed you claim me on your taxes and he says it is why my financial aid is messed up". I had to clear that up quickly and explain to S that is not the situation, at all and when I met with my accountant it was something we discussed. It boils down to Xh figured I wouldn't and couldn't claim him. Even if I didn't, it has no factor in financial aid forms. S is in fact under my roof and therefore as far as the colleges are concerned I have to provide my taxes. It is pretty open and shut.

So, S and I spent a long time talking about how these things work and how Xh never paid a cent for D. Of course, out came the spin that support, from what S said Xh claims covers that. I told S that I was not going to discuss that, but since his F provided him with a copy of the divorce decree and highlighted that section for each kid, S can clearly read it for himself. But, I told S that the conversation S and I were about to have was between the 2 of us and I had a real problem with Xh having these types of discussions with him and putting him in the middle. I made it very clear to S that I didn't want to take Xh back to court, but I am reaching my breaking point with him and I will push back. I could hear S sigh and the stress rolling in. I quickly told him that I was not wanting to focus on this and to concentrate on getting him ready for school and I would make up the difference if need be. S is worried, but I said for right now, I can manage since D is not going to draw from my accounts because of my tuition reimbursement.

I was fuming when I got off the phone with S. And I knew, Xh would not offer to take S. He is coming to see him tomorrow, but not a mention of helping him to move in. Of course not. No, he has to get his car ready for the parade in a couple of weeks. A$$.

The thing that had happened before work was a mourning dove swooped in front of my windshield at a rapid speed and then it was followed by a red tail hawk that was chasing it. It nearly clipped my car it was so close. I slowed down and watched the dove maneuver through the corn. I don't know if it got away or not.

I have seen this happen before but never close up like that and it seemed very odd. I was so mesmerized I hadn't realized the song that had come on the radio is one that became my battle cry working my way out of BD. Evanescence - Going Under. The odd thing was it was as I realized what song it was, it hit right at the point where the lyrics are:

So go on and scream, scream at me
I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under

When I got to work, I had a very busy day. Strangely, at one point one of my customers is a man I admire greatly. An artist, who I have known for years, who has studied all sorts of religions and is very in tune with his Native American heritage. I felt comfortable talking to him about this odd occurrence, as it just seemed a bit unusual. He smiled and said I was the dove. (He knows nothing of my attachment to doves or about the forum). Doves love peace and a hawk is powerful omen, but in different contexts he said they are omens of war or people who prefer to wage war and don't like peace. So, he asked me a question that he did not necessarily ask me to answer, but to ponder.

He said how does a dove survive a hawk? Hmmmm. They aren't powerful enough to usually fight off the attack, but they have to use their agility and ability to maneuver about. He asked me if I wanted to fight or was it better in this case to wear the hawk out and make it give up by out maneuvering it?

The song, we did not discuss, but the timing is very interesting. I am stronger. I know how Xh fights when he is cornered. This is exactly what he would like me to do. He would like me to react and to fight him. It is what he saw growing up and during the divorce. It is what the monster thrives on. It may seem like a doormat approach, but I know my Xh and this gentleman is right.

A court battle will only fuel that raging monster. He wants that, because it gives him more power in terms of anger to fuel things. He would rather fight me than to fight his own demons. It is an easier battle. It is what pissed him off in the MLC/BD era. He wanted to get me to throw him out. He wanted me to initiate the divorce. He pushed and I dug my heels in at every turn.

I ran the numbers and I am not going to end up ahead in a battle in court. So, I am accepting that this is going to be more about how do I keep my sanity and cut more control away from Xh. He only has D's support hanging over me. He can't push me on the college costs because he isn't paying for D. He won't be happy when I hammer him at tax time and deny him the right to claim D on his taxes this year. He hasn't kept his end of the bargain up. I will have paid for both kids and done what I was supposed to do. And my BIL who is a CFO said to me tonight, that both ways are going to cost me money - court or not going to court. Which benefits me more. The answer I always come back to is "I want my peace and I want to take away all of Xh's holds over me". The only way to really make that happen is to clip his wings and to not fight him the way he wants. I need to out maneuver him and wear him out. In this case, I need to rant, on occasion and then remember what my goal is - to remove all aspects of control from him. He is already losing ground with both kids. The only real attachment he has to me now is that stupid support check. He doesn't have any say about anything else any longer.

So, I will scream at the top of my lungs that I won't  be broken again and I will out maneuver him until he no longer has any control over me. I am not going to let him pull me under again.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2019, 08:38:05 PM by MourningDove »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #48 on: August 23, 2019, 10:34:47 PM »
Sometimes - maybe when we really really need to hear it - the universe comes along with a message. In this case, the dove and hawk, the song, the wise man with the right question. A rule of 3 lol. Glad it stepped in to give you a reminding encouraging prod...makes perfect sense both from the POV of history, your xh's mlc track record and what you want  :)

Seems like your son is going through a gradual process of accepting the nature and patterns of mlc xh? Bit by bit, he is learning that your xh lies and blames you and does not take responsibility, that he makes steam rather than wanting to solve problems. Each time he finds that out, it chips away one more bit of gaslighting and adds one more brick in the wall doesn't it? I suspect you know how that gradual process feels....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #49 on: August 23, 2019, 11:19:27 PM »
I'm in Ireland on my phone so this will be brief but.....

Richard Cranium doesn't know when to stop sticking a fork into the light socket, doesn't he? He just keeps pushing and pushing.... He, just like his parents, will have to loose the R with his kids in a sacrificial offering to the ravening maw of MLC.

By running the numbers, you can make the choice that is beat for you, both in the short or long term, one that suits you best. In this case, it is another piece of info for the case against xH for the future - a strategic maneuver rather than tactical....

It's a shame we have to resort to that kind of planning and decision-making....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #50 on: August 23, 2019, 11:50:45 PM »
It completely makes sense to me. As I said, mine paid not one cent for child support. I made sure I found a way so that there was no way, no way in Heaven or Hell I would ever have to ask for what should have been given for his child. Not worth being made into "the bad guy", or "owing" him something or having to engage with any kind of monster. You know your ex better than most anyone. Protect your sanity if you can manage. Don't short change yourself if you can't.

Deep breath. Deal with the necessities now,  the rest can come later.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #51 on: August 24, 2019, 09:08:42 AM »
Treasur, UrsaMajor & OffRoad -

I think I confuse some people when I need to rant. I am angry at the moment, and it may bring other things to the surface, in terms of memories, but I really don't hold those things and harbor anger over them. I don't forget them necessarily and they are reminders as to why when more BS comes my way, it bugs me. I am not holding on to old rage, in essence.

It takes a great deal to get me to a boiling point, which is very different than just having a mini moment of being pissed off in my case. I was at that boiling point yesterday. It was not the money that got to me. I anticipated that nightmare and have accepted that is just how things were going to go. It was more the conversation with S, where I heard S say maybe he shouldn't go back to school and he was concerned about the financial aspect. That was all of Xh's doing. I had to talk S off the ledge and that is what set me off.

Add to it, the additional games and I was really steaming.

It is about the games and control. It is that none of the money that Xh sends me is spent on myself. There should not be any question as to his responsibilities as a F. He gets off pretty easily in terms of finances. He gives me a mere $700 a month for child support for D. He is supposed to give me more. I am not exactly bleeding him dry, in spite of his grumbling. And, no one is expecting him to pay for the kids' entire college tuition. Our agreement when we were married was what my parents had done for my sister and I. We were told what we had set aside and that was my parent's contribution. The rest was for us to figure out, be it loans, scholarships, etc. With that though did come support in terms of if we showed we were diligent, my parents did send us extra money - but it was never expected. And we had other support. D and S don't get that from Xh. Especially D.

My ranting was little to do with some deep-seated issue about Xh leaving me or anything else. Aside from the occasional trigger, I really don't get upset by it. I have accepted he made a choice and I have to move on. It is an ugly part of my history, but it is in the past.

And, I did think about why I reacted the way I did. I was upset that Xh is in fact trying to control things as well as to throw in his usual drama. If he doesn't want to be involved in the kids' lives, then just leave all of us be and let us struggle through the stresses that occur in life without adding more, unnecessary drama. But, this is in many ways about Xh's self-absorption and need to be part of the whole thing, without having to actually do anything. Because right after stirring the pot, he said he would like to come see S today before S leaves. No offer to come help him pack up things, or to take him out to pick up any last minute items. No offer to drive him to college, etc. Not a thing, except "hey I will drive the MG over and see you before you go".  ::)

My sister and I discussed the whole idea of giving Xh a piece of my mind. My sister's first reaction was the same as mine, as she knows Xh. She laughed and said that would not go over well and said Xh would go into "litigation mode". He would gaslight and would use any of my own words against me. Xh loved to verbally spar. When it wasn't MLC monster induced, a good debate was fine, as Xh would listen and actually debate. In MLC monster mode, this is all about winning at all costs and to destroy your perceived opponent.

I know that it would not serve me in a positive way. I won't be proud of how I reacted. I know that it would be pointless in terms of he wouldn't hear a word I was saying. And, in fact, it would give him a reason to say things like "see, she is completely unhinged" and prove his own point he has made to others which was to say I am a raving b!tch - ala the character assassination. I will have fulfilled his fantasy and behaved the way he has painted it to himself or others.

So, journal it out, Let it go. Drain my bank account and be grateful I start back to work at the college and those checks will kick in soon. I can pat myself on the back for not touching small inheritance and budgeting well enough that I made it through most of the summer on what I had in savings.

I will pray I can stabilize the financial situation again enough to pay for new tires and things I know are coming my way shortly and get back on track with my budget.

The more I can cut Xh's ties, the better. And, he had better prepare himself - that doesn't mean I am avoiding living my life. Those places I have skirted around because I feared running into OW and people they hung out with are no longer off limits. I am going to go where I want to go without fear of seeing them. He had pushed me to not wanting him back, now I am almost wanting to go up and congratulate OW and tell her "congratulations - you got the MLC prize"  ::) This version of the man I knew takes too much energy from me. I hope he figures himself out someday, for his own sake. At this point, I cannot speak for the kids. I am not sure Xh will be able to undo the damage. I have compassion for it, but these are his actions and choices.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #52 on: August 24, 2019, 06:54:44 PM »
S is almost packed and ready to go. He had prepped today by making sure his oil was changed and double checked his supply lists, etc. He had already taken care of his books and such.

D spent the day cleaning and doing laundry for S, to help him out. They had a system where he brought down the things he needed washed, she would wash them and he would come get them after she got them out of the drier. They were quite proud of their system, which allowed them both to take care of a lot of things.

S also took care of some lawn work that I was going to hire to have done, but he wanted to take care of them.

D had dinner made and had invited S's GF and her BF to join us. S's really good friend popped in to help him move things and he too joined use for dinner. I came home to find a nicely set table and a glass of red wine waiting for me.

When I came back, from a quick walk with the dog, S's GF was cutting his hair. Her background is in cosmetology, but she lost her job when the place closed unexpectedly. She waits tables at the moment, but she works hard. S was going to go to my hairdresser, but she is on vacation and he decided he really should get a proper trim before going back to school.

We sat around telling stories about when S and D played "barber". They all shared what their worst fear was in terms of getting into trouble  as a kid, which was pretty amusing. Torture to D was being put in time out. For S, he didn't mind time out. Neither kid got into trouble often, TBH, but it was funny listening to them share and reminisce. S remembered when we took his PlayStation away from him by putting it up high. We had gone out and he figured he would fool the babysitter by getting on a stool and retrieving the gaming system. Yah, we were pretty smart back then. We hid the cords in a different place  ::)

It was such a simple evening. The types of nights I love and D's boyfriend lit a fire in the fire pit. We continued just relaxing, knowing tomorrow will be a long day.

Then out came what had happened while I was at work. Xh did show up, but early, when S had told him he wouldn't be home. D was home with her boyfriend and the front screen door was open. D said she was busy in the kitchen and noticed Xh was outside, sitting in his SUV. She said at first she considered going out and then decided she was not going to bother. She figured Xh would come to the door or at least text. Nothing for half an hour. She said he napped while he waited. S came home and mentioned D was in the house. Xh didn't answer and just gave S a hug and was off.

D has not heard from BIL and SIL in 2 weeks. She reached out to them, but they haven't responded, which is odd. She is bothered by it and has said she will call them again. I haven't noticed a lot of activity from BIL on FaceBook, which is odd, so it may be he is traveling or something is up with SIL, who had been sick. D of course, was starting to monkey brain it.

We will see what happens with BIL and SIL. It is very odd.

As far as XH, I guess we can assume he is not going to make any efforts to fix things. D has said she is not sure she is ready to put her hand out there again and possibly have it slapped away.

I will honor whatever her desires are at this point. I don't think she is being unreasonable, and I have to respect that she and S are in a similar situation as I was with Xh in MLC. They are allowed to draw their boundaries and I understand that pretty well by now. It is not normal and not many in RL understand.

I am looking forward to getting S back to school and love that he is excited about taking an art class. He used to draw all the time to relax. It will be good for him to use those skills and to if for no other reason, find more outlets for his creativity.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #53 on: August 26, 2019, 07:26:09 AM »
I followed S to college to help him move in. After talking to my sister, I decided to invite my parents along for the ride. D was going to go along, but she and I will another time. D has yet to see S's campus, which is really stunning. My parents are capable of driving and travel all over, but this campus is really in the "boonies" and GPS doesn't really work once you get into the region. It is fairly easy to get to, but you have to know the few series of turns. I am finding my parents get a bit more overwhelmed with unfamiliar, remote areas. And this is pretty remote, aside from the college.

So, S had my F in his car for the 3 hours down and I had my M. It was a gorgeous drive down, with a bit of fog burning off. We didn't have to leave nearly as early this year since S was a returning student. He didn't have to be there by the 8 am check in, so we left the house at 7 am as opposed to 4 am last year.

S and I settled his room and my parents walked around campus and the college was providing free meals all day long to any visitors, so they were happily drinking coffee and people watching under a table with an umbrella by the time S and I had everything moved in and his room pretty much ready to go. S had basically kept all of his college things in totes all summer, so he had everything organized and ready to go back on the walls, etc. We had to make a quick Walmart run to get him some little things, but we were done by noon.

S drove my parents around and showed them where all of of his program buildings, etc.

On the way home, I decided to take the backroads home. I would have really gone a whole lot of different roads if my parents hadn't been with me, but while my F would have been good with it, my M was getting very tired and her hip has been bothering her, so I was mindful. I stayed on the more direct backroad route. It added about 1/2 an hour onto the overall trip, but it was well worth the ride. My parents discovered a couple of places they want to travel back to that are only a couple of hours away for them and readily accessible. They were grateful for the opportunity to see where S is going to school. And, I was able to put up with my M alerting me of every speed zone coming up or every cop in sight. Mind you, I think I was only one time going over the speed limit by about 5 miles on the highway, while someone flew by me at 90. I don't think I had anything to worry about.  ::)

While S and I were unpacking his things, he mentioned that Xh had packed him a care package. A bag full of candy and soda. He gave S $200. My mind went to "of course he did - he had to be the hero and cool dad" - but I bit my lip. Then S shared that Xh, who had always promised S that if he ever got that MG done the 2 of them could ride in the parade together. It had been a long plan of theirs. Years ago, we used to go as a family, then it became a S and Xh and often my F, thing. One year, S and Xh went and they "ran into" OW. That was the spin Xh put on it. Uh huh  ::) So, this year, Xh asked S if it was okay if he brought someone along. S knew it was a woman. He is not sure who - OW or someone else and I didn't ask. S said Xh wanted to know if S was okay if this woman came along and if it would bother him.

Now, S underneath it all was planning on running down there after classes on that day, which is not a short trip. He was looking forward to being in the parade. Now, I am not sure how he feels, but S laughed and said he shocked his F by snapping back "why would it bother me? I was not bothered by M hanging around with a much younger man". He said Xh was not amused.  ::) LOL  S was quick to give me a hug and say he knows I am not exactly out carousing around. He just knew it would rattle his F.

D got wind of it and her response would have been far more brutal. She said "why would it shock us now? He was dating when he was married - if that wasn't upsetting, why would it be a shock in divorce"? Ouch.

D got a text from Xh yesterday. He said she could have had the decency to come out and see him. She was pissed. She said first of all, he is assuming a great deal. Maybe she was sleeping, or didn't see him. It is not like he reached out to let her know, via text or by ringing the doorbell he was there. She of course did see him, but she said the bigger issue was she was cooking dinner and it was something she couldn't just leave on the stovetop unattended. She didn't fall for his trap and clapped back at him that he should have let her know he was there and he could have come in and waited inside. She is not falling for his garbage.

I was exhausted and after dinner, I crawled into bed. I texted a friend of mine for a bit and she and I caught up. I admitted to her that I was having a mild trigger to Xh bringing someone. It was really not about him, TBH. It was a feeling of being so easily replaced, dismissed. It was a little moment, nothing major. In fact, in terms of my Xh, the truth is if this is a new woman, it is a relief. And the other truth is, I am not that easily replaced, nor do I care in that I don't want broken MLC Xh back. This was more feelings in another vein for me.

This morning has been off to a very odd start. I got an early morning text from my coworker. He and I were going to meet for lunch and go tour our new campus. Plans changed when he texted a short time ago and had to cancel because his grandfather died. He had a contentious relationship with his grandfather, mainly because he helped care for his grandfather and his grandfather was a very grouchy patient. He said he was grateful his grandfather wasn't suffering anymore. I know he is wrestling with the emotions. It is his birthday in a couple of days, so the funeral is going to fall right around that time and school meetings start. That said, I also know this will be a freeing thing for him.

But, right after that news, I got a call on my home phone and it was a number that seemed vaguely familiar, although I wasn't sure why. I picked it up where normally I would have let it go to voicemail and called back if it were anyone I needed to respond to. The number it turned out was the college I taught at years ago. I left there around 2005 after having been there for 14 years. Xh taught there up until 1998 and then just started back there last year.

The woman on the other end of the phone recognized me and asked how I was. She wondered if my "H" had forgotten classes started today. I paused and said I had no idea, as we were divorced and he hasn't lived here in 3 years. She was apologetic. I laughed and said it was fine. She then asked me if I had a phone number for him and she would remove my name as the contact. I gave her his cellphone and hung up.

He had not given them his cell phone number and I was listed as his emergency contact. After all of that time he would have had to have filled out new paperwork. I am sure he is fine, and thought that college was following the same schedule as the one where I teach, as we start after Labor Day. The college where I teach has altered our calendar because we have noticed that if we start before Labor Day, students don't show up, as the largest population of students are commuters. We have a few that live on campus. Besides, many of our faculty have kids in college and have to move their own kids in, etc. So, we have an altered schedule. It works out so much better for all of us. The campus housing does open earlier and they have move in days, and we have faculty meetings, but no classes.

I got off the phone and thought about this odd occurrence. First of all, had it been a true emergency and Xh were hurt, etc, I would have gone to at least make sure his siblings were contacted, etc. I am not totally heartless. (In spite of his decision to paint me as such). But, it is odd that he put me as that contact. It shows he first of all knows who he can rely on, or thinks he can. But, it is also very sad that I am his go to. He has no one else it would seem (aside from S, perhaps) that he can list. Not his friends. His own family. And, yet, he continues to push away the kids.

It is sad, and yet, I am also having a really good laugh at how insane it is. I am listed as an emergency contact - wow. Well, not at the college where he is working. I took care of that. The fact that I know he missed his first day of classes tells me that he still has Swiss cheese brain going on. But, hey, keep avoiding those demons and keep chasing new things - that is working out so well for him ::)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #54 on: August 27, 2019, 02:42:07 AM »
So he didn't show up to teach on the first day of classes?

I am SURE that will go over like a fart in an elevator stuck between floors...  ::) ::) ::)  Actually, the students will probably be thinking that this will be a skate class where the Prof doesn't show much so they'll get an easy grade..... The college, on the other hand, will NOT be amused.... Wonder how he will find an excuse for that one... "Oh, it is my ex-wife's fault. She didn't tell me that the schedule here is different from where she teaches... "

The whole emergency contact thing is just so .... odd..... but what in MLC is NOT odd?

I see too that S REALLY knows how to needle xH.... Velociraptor in action... <snort>  Well played, S! VERY well played! "Mom isn't sitting in a pile of snotty Kleenexes pining away for you so ..... "

Quote from: MourningDove
She didn't fall for his trap and clapped back at him that he should have let her know he was there and he could have come in and waited inside. She is not falling for his garbage.
So she DID reply that he could have let her know he was there? I am a bit confused.... If she did stick that truth spike where the sun don't shine, GOOD FOR HER!  xH was trying to play the guilt card and D isn't playing that game with him....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #55 on: August 27, 2019, 03:04:19 AM »
Seems to be a strange facet of whatever 'this' is with our MLCers...that they leave but some still expect to be central or important in some way...and they stop communicating but expect us all to mind read.  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #56 on: August 28, 2019, 10:10:08 AM »
UrsaMajor - I am going on the assumption based on the conversation with the woman that called, that Xh did in fact miss his first day of classes. I haven't mentioned it to S, and I haven't seen Xh. D overheard the conversation and just shook her head and said while mistakes happen, she is sure her F will try to come up with some lame MLC excuse.

As far as whether or not D actually replied to Xh - I haven't asked for specifics. I am a bit confused as well. I didn't push it, as D was pretty upset. I know from a follow up side conversation with D yesterday (she lead) that her BF was here and had gone out to pick up something at the grocery store for her. He has only met Xh once, when Xh came into where the boyfriend worked and snapped a photo of the BF and sent it to D. It was a weird thing. No formal "hi, I am D's F" type of introduction. So BF already has already been witness to "strange". D mentioned that BF saw Xh in the driveway talking with S and BF waved, but came right inside. He asked D if Xh always dressed like an overgrown teenager. D said that BF said it was not "youthful" like I dress, but looking like the makings of someone wanting to be a teenager look. IDK, what can I say?

Treasur - I try my best not to mind-read the MLC brain - it is way too confusing. Using me as an emergency contact? Yah, that could have really opened up a whole load of questions. I asked myself a few and then stopped, thinking "oh, no - not going to get caught up in that crazy" LOL

I spent yesterday morning with my F and we went to visit a friend of ours whose D was one of my roommates in college. He too is an artist and has a new studio. He has a very large commission going on and had asked for my F's input, as the subject matter happens to be dear to my F's heart - horses. My F has been around horses since he was 4 and it is something he always seems to revisit in his work. He knows the breeds really well, etc. He can draw them from memory and it just floors people. He picked up on the subtle nuances that were pretty minimal in this sculpture to make all the difference in the world. It was so amazing to watch the 2 of them work on this together.

The studio was amazing and the only thing I did joke about was I wondered why he hadn't built in bleachers and sell admission for when he casts bronze.

Afterwards, we were off to a small, hole-in-the wall diner we love. The conversation was easy and then the subject of Xh came up. The friend did not realize we were divorced. He knew we had separated. His D was one of the few people I confided in early on, as she and her H reconciled years ago after his own crisis.

Xh is off the hook for D's college this semester  ::) Or at least, I am sure in his mind he is. With my tuition reimbursement, D's financial aid, and living at home for the semester, she is covered completely. S, not so much.  ::) But, Xh has made it very clear to S, that I am on the hook for that "as was agreed to" in the divorce decree. LMAO - yah, amazing how he rewrites these things in his mind, or interprets the text. It is not worth arguing with the MLCer over. I have more important things to focus on.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #57 on: September 02, 2019, 06:50:54 AM »
How's it going, MD? 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #58 on: September 02, 2019, 03:58:14 PM »
still baffled - LOL - it depends on the day.  ::)

I have been rather quiet, I guess. It may surprise people. I have been spending a lot of time in my head the past few days. I have taken so many walks this week, at different times of day. Some have been with the dog, others just by myself. There is a lot rolling around that I am trying to make sense of. Nothing I want to share at this point, TBH. Again - shocks people, I know - LOL

I will say I had a WTF moment the other day and wanted to know if I needed to radically change something about who I am. I had to get a good dose of reality from a couple of friends I trust who basically laughed at me.

I have a woman at the gallery who is a frequent customer. She usually comes in when I am working. We have exchanged niceties and some information, but nothing overly personal. She has been around when people have asked about my kids. When they have perhaps said they were sorry to hear about my divorce. But, I realized these conversations have often lacked details that this woman would have known, because the people who have mentioned things know me well enough to know that my kids are in college, etc. The point being, enough details were left out for this woman to make some assumptions.

She is around my age. Friday, she was telling me how much she enjoys our conversations about art and I know she has children. Out of the blue she said she should introduce me to her son. I didn't think anything of it. I am naive when it comes to these things at times. I figured it was a college question or something along those lines. But no. She said he works for so and so and loves art. He broke up with his long time girlfriend 6 months ago and she thinks we would hit it off. I said I might be a bit out of his age range. She goes on to say that I am perhaps a bit older than him, but not by much. I am sure if someone had captured the look on my face it would have been priceless. I was processing when she said she guessed I was probably no older than 35 and he is 27. My coworker was standing there smiling at me and waiting to see how I was going to handle this one. I thanked the woman and said I was really flattered, but he was not much older than my 21 year old son and that is not comfortable for me.

It should have been just a compliment, but I have to admit, it made me really wonder if I am somehow needing to revaluate who I am. I got a couple of good 2x4s from friends I trust. I am not living like a MLCer nor has my style changed. I am youthful in my spirit, but the enigma is also keenly aware of being a parent and behaving like an adult most of the time.

I have made some decisions in my own life that may affect me a bit financially, but I know that I need to make time for myself. I am not doing anything radical, but I committed myself to not working on Wednesdays. I can pick up time if I need to, but I am leaving it open for my own creative work or for time to be inspired. After the months trying to recuperate from MLC and getting my kids' lives in order, I decided to be okay with a bit of selfishness. It will allow me to attend more figure drawing sessions or other things.

Today, I was in my bedroom doing some organizing and had my radio on. It turns out my favorite station that is very mercurial is able to come in. After the blocks of classic rock they switched it up to country songs with a backroad theme. Hmmm, think the universe is telling me something. When Rodney Atkins' song "Take a Backroad" I realized I have really only taken trips that have had a purpose in them - ie: taking S to school. While it was a good trip, the spontaneous side of me was doused a bit. I know why. I kind of lost that desire. So, tonight, I am planning on putting a "little gravel in my travel" and just drive somewhere. I am not even sure where I will go. I am going to avoid the main roads due to the holiday, as places like the toll roads will be crazy. Not sure where I am going, but I need an adventure, even if it is alone.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #59 on: September 03, 2019, 12:41:19 AM »
27?

Sorry but that is just TOO funny..... I am SURE that would be like waving a red flag in front of the Velociraptors....


You got the better end of the deal though... I got told a while ago at the supermarket by the cashier that I had cute grandkids ....

I guess the look on my face said enough because the lady then turned bright red and said... "Uhhhh... those are your kids, aren't they...." I just nodded....

As far as being in your own head a bit... Welcome to my world....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #60 on: September 03, 2019, 09:25:48 AM »
UrsaMajor - IDK - the "most interesting man in the world" is more appealing to me than a 27 year old. LOL. Younger does not always equate to better. I teach that age group - might be easy on the eyes, but many open their mouth and that sort of ruins that potential fantasy. Besides, for many of us that do teach, we will tell you that we don't want to be teaching outside of the classroom. LOL. Much more fun to learn together with someone.

Now as for my velociraptors - yah, S overheard me telling my sister on the phone and he of course burst out laughing. That was early Saturday morning. By dinnertime, the whole gang, flock, herd, or whatever you call a group of velociraptors had way too much fun at my expense. S's one friend is currently single and they thought it would be funny to kid me about how he and I could date. I turned and looked at him and said "before I answer this, you are a desirable guy and I love you for who you are, but he!! no".  He laughed and said he felt the same way, so at least it wasn't awkward. LOL. The one friend, whose M is my age, has dated a few of his friends and they are all disgusted by it. That friend said to the rest of the crew that there was no way I was in that category.

But, it was all in good fun. It makes it a bit easier to navigate the realities of the situation, which may sound odd. My kids and I have formed a very different relationship than what might have transpired under normal circumstances. It is not a quest to be my kids' buddy, etc, but they are trying to be very mindful of the fact that I am a single woman now and I have needs and desires just as they do. They maybe accept that, like my grandmother who was single at a young age when my grandfather died, that I shouldn't shroud myself in black and wait for my own death to come. They don't want that for me. With that there are of course those bumps that occur. Those conversations I never thought I would ever have with my kids. They are not all bad. And in many ways, they are things that Xh's antics and MLC brought into the mix.

It is very clear what my kids want for me. They want a man that gets me and one that is just a good person. But they have been very vocal about certain people when someone suggests I should go out with so and so. My S will shake his head and tell me no right away. I always laugh because he has used the phrase "nice guy, but way too vanilla for you". I had to ask what that mean initially. LOL. And S is right. On the flip side, they know I am not in need of some thrill seeking junkie either. There is a balance.

D is the one that is a bit more difficult in that I have to be so mindful of her own triggers. It is not about tiptoeing, but being aware of her fears and making sure I help her through them some. She has been better about if I go out with a friend and stay out late. I just have to be on top of letting her know where I am and who I am with, etc. And to text when I am on my way home, etc. Prior to MLC, Xh was always letting us know where he was, who he was with, etc. He checked in with the kids to say he loved them if he were on a trip. He was very conscientious about that. MLC hit and he would go out without telling us and stay out until the wee hours. Or he wouldn't come home at all. Just that part created worry for all of us. Add the layer of OW and what D knows and I have realized I have to at least be thoughtful.

Someone recently said to me that D knows I am not her F. Yes, that is true. But D was Xh's princess, there was no doubt she was daddy's little girl. He was close to S, but he could do no wrong in her eyes. He whipped that rug out from under her and now she and I have a much closer bond than we ever did. S and I are cut from the same cloth, so that was always easy. D was always happy to spend time with me and had her clingy moments over the years, but it was different.

I saw my neighbor's daughter on Sunday. I had gone to meet a friend of mine who was having breakfast at the local diner with her H. She had a book for me to loan D for one of her classes. The neighbor's daughter and her H came in with their baby, who I had not seen yet. She works for Xh's remaining client (that I know of). She said she has seen him more recently.

Hmmm, that would make sense, as it is trade show season for this company. They are gearing up as they have for years. Xh would have been putting in more hours to prep. So, that indicates he has been in town more than his usual one time a week. And yet, no sight of him, nor has he asked D what she needs for school. Yah, big surprise.  ::) I wish I could have been wrong earlier when he made the grand gestures of wanting to "coparent" and to take D out to dinner and say he was going to contribute money. The birthday blow up was an indicator to me that he was probably going to use that as his "way out" of that proclamation. MLC Xh is a very different man. In fact, it is as if I could string together what Xh prior to MLC would have done and it would have been kept his word and then just completely flip it and I get my answer how this will play out. It is polar opposite to who he was.

Because of that, it makes it hard on my end at times, because I have to remind myself that while D is stoic, that has to just be a gut punch. It means, I have at least be aware of it and not baby her, but realize she is being gaslighted. And that, unfortunately, I have become very well versed in enough to recognize it. And it is tough to not be told you are somehow jaded. No, it is being realistic and recognizing it for what it is.

I also found out from my neighbor's daughter, that there have been no changes in the timing of the release of checks. Uh huh. Big surprise.

It is not about the money. I have accepted that aspect and I have absolutely no intention of pursing it. I am going to follow my friend's advice regarding the hawk and the mourning dove. He is right, I have to outwit the hawk. I don't care about the money. I want to survive and have my own life and peace at this point. Xh wants me to fight. Best way to actually fight him is not to give him what he wants. It worked early on to diffuse things. I need to keep it diffused for my kid's sake. They deserve the right to a peaceful life and a chance to have a normal college experience.

When I look back, FIL, MIL and deceased BIL all disrupted Xh's college experience in one way or another. Ways that now that I look back are beyond disgusting. They were selfish and it was BIL in Florida, his sister (prior to her own MLC), his best friend and my family that kept him on track and gave him stability. I have to remind myself that I am part of that equation for my own kids, and playing Xh's games is not going to allow for that to happen. Yup, it will cost me money. So what.

D starts her classes today. She is very excited and seems at peace with her decision. My classes for college start as well and it is going to be an odd week. I don't start high school until Thursday and I have an event for college on Thursday afternoon, which happens during my class. Normally, I would hold class, but as my coordinator said to me, she won't have it if I go to class - LOL. The event is a grand opening event of the gallery space annex and the focus is how the department was started. It revolves around my F and person my F hired a year later to build the art program. It is a big deal. My coordinator worked with my F for many years and her own F did the MLC ditch, so she looks to my F as not only a mentor, but there is part of her that feels a different connection. So, there was no way I was going to be left out of this. So, I am working on a project that will not result in a missed class and hopefully many of them will take the opportunity to take advantage of the event.

I am hoping getting back into the swing of things helps me get out of my head. It doesn't help that I am of course waiting for something to go wrong today, as BD1, BD2, my divorce was finalized all on the first day of school kind of make it an odd day. That said, last year went fine and I am not obsessed, nor am I crying about my marriage, or the events from the years past. It is more of a trigger in that, what surprise lurks below the surface - LOL.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #61 on: September 03, 2019, 09:48:30 AM »
I nominate a Rampage of Velociraptors.....

Yup, once you see gaslighting for what it is, you can't unsee it can you? Still isn't normal to act like that consistently...which is why we might seem rather cynical to others in RL...but imho gaslighting oneself is worse lol. After a while, there is a predictability even to bonkers.....actually not bonkers is probably more anxiety-producing a few years out.

I get your point about being mindful of the potential difference between your daughter's outsides and insides. I loved my mother but I adored my father...we were alike enough to 'get' each other. I can't imagine how it would have turned my world view upside down if my father had changed in the way your daughter's father did and has. It would have had a big effect on me tbh. It is a real blessing that your daughter has the 'take it to the bank' support of you, her brother, your parents, bill and soil and others. But not an easy loss to navigate.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #62 on: September 03, 2019, 05:43:58 PM »
Wishing you a good year, MD.  We don't do what we do for the money, that's for sure! 

I hope the kids both have good school years as well. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #63 on: September 03, 2019, 07:12:05 PM »
Treasur - I like rampage - it suits them. LOL

The gaslighting becomes so clear it is frightening and so easy to see in other's situations as well. I do believe it is why we seem cynical. With my Xh, it is tough because it might come across as some bitterness, when it is often just very matter of fact based on his actions that I simply state it is more of the same. I really do wish I would be surprised and shocked in the opposite direction. And, yes, there is that point where often after being gaslighted by someone else, we trip into gaslighting ourselves and I would agree that is even worse. At least when we have someone else gaslighting us, we can walk away. Harder to push those negative thoughts out. LOL

stillbaffled - No, we don't do it for the monetary gain. LOL.

My start to classes went well, and fortunately, I live by the mantra "monitor and adjust" because nothing went right today in terms of how it should have, in spite of my planning and prep. I walked in and had to go over the syllabus from memory because of a technical issue as in the printouts were not ready. LOL. I can pretty much recite the dang thing anyways with all of the program requirements on it, etc. In some ways it was better than the printout, read from the script version.

D was in the adjacent room as her class ended before mine started. She came in smiling. She said she had never heard me teach in that manner, as in most times she has seen me in the hands on part of things. I had been discussing the importance about being able to talk about your own work and such when Xh was mentioned. D smiled and said to me that she didn't really know the whole part about how Xh and I worked together for years because I stepped back from it when D and S were still pretty young. She mentioned to me that she liked that I talked about those experiences in a positive light. I told her that they were and it was a different chapter in my life. It is proof that Xh is a very different version of himself now.

D seems very comfortable with her choice and it has lined up almost in a frightening way. My secretary said she could not believe how it seems to have fallen together - D's schedule meshing with mine, etc. It did come together in a very odd way. It, by rights should have been a bear to get any reasonable schedule that late in the game, but it lined up easily. The secretary smiled and said "it is the right path for it to play out that way". I have to believe she is right. And D seems happier already. She is looking into jobs on campus and has plans to tour other colleges to transfer too.

Having her home is an adjustment though - LOL.

S texted today. He is slammed with work already. He did not realize he made Dean's List last semester. He was pretty proud of himself and then said he shouldn't be so boastful about it. I told him I was his M, so I was okay with him bragging about it to me- LOL

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #64 on: September 04, 2019, 12:09:44 PM »
MD,

Speaking from experience, when I had issues with my mom and had to get her into rehab, then assisted living and taking care of other personal issues, I thought it would be a nightmare.  But in actuality, things fell into place almost like pieces of a puzzle.  Sometimes we are provided the assistance from God or a higher power that shows we are doing the right thing, despite at the onset it looks like a major catastrophe.  Know that things will begin swinging back in our positive direction.  Remember, patience is a needed part of our lives.  Keep doing what you are doing and life will unfold as it is meant to.

If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #65 on: September 05, 2019, 08:13:33 AM »
Bailmor - I have always been a firm believer in when things fall into place and feel "right" that there is some other force at work. I probably am more in tune with that since MLC than I was before, but it took me awhile to have faith in my "gut". It is something that I find I often find comes to me when I am out on my walks and shut out the rest of the world.

My first Wednesday to myself did not work out as planned, but I am not upset about it, as I had already accepted this week would not be a successful venture into that. With college starting, the high school starting, D beginning classes and throw in the Monday holiday, I knew better than to plan on that happening. To pile on, the event today was also on my radar and prep needed done for that.

I took Tuesday off from the millwork to address issues that arose for my Tuesday college course and instead put time in yesterday. I had to run to the annex gallery in the afternoon to help my coordinator with set up for today. It was a busy afternoon, but I took time for myself and late afternoon, I drove to the lake and just sat in my car and watched a storm roll down the lake. It bypassed us, but was stunning watching the dark clouds attempt to push the sun away. It was quite the battle. I am not sure anyone else was paying attention. The handful of people there were either fishing or sitting in their cars texting. They didn't seem to look up from their phones.

I haven't seen my coworker since the last day of school in June. We have talked a bit as of late, but not for long. The new campus adds time onto his commute and I had told him about a short cut which he finally took. He called me last night and asked me a question about one of the classes. We used to joke about when he wouldn't have time to get a decent cup of coffee and I am always coming in with my travel mug. I had said to him that since the new campus is only a couple of miles from my house (I am now spoiled with a 5 minute commute door to door), he could swing by and get a cup of coffee or I would bring him some if he asked. He called this morning while I was in the shower. I didn't hear the phone ring. My coworker made better time than he thought with the shortcut and he decided to stop by, as we still don't have keys to the new building, so he would have been sitting outside for half an hour. He was worried a surprise visit would not be welcomed, but knows I would be honest if it was not good timing.

D's boyfriend was here early. He has never met my coworker. He came around the corner and said to me that there was a really good looking guy, dressed really nicely in a dress shirt and tie walking down my sidewalk. I hadn't considered it was my coworker because I hadn't seen the call. I was dressed in a body hugging dress, that is for the event today, but I had plans to tone it down for work. There I was though, with my uncombed, damp hair and no makeup on. I went to the door and the response I got was not what I expected. First he asked if it was okay he stopped by and then said "damn" in an apparently approving way. I told him that he needed to stop because I felt like a hot mess.

I poured him coffee and then got back to my primping for work. He was laughing though as I am really very efficient when it comes to getting ready and had my hair, dried, curled and full makeup and jewelry on in about 15 minutes tops. It gave us some time to catch up.

He left before I did and it felt nice to just have an adult visitor to talk to this morning. It wasn't a romantic moment or anything like that. I just realized that the past few weeks in particular I have been inundated with kids, kids and more kids. This was a moment of having a conversation that was not my normal morning. And, frankly, his little bit of validation this morning came at a time when I needed it. While I have been in my head a lot as of late, I have had those few moments of having to kick my own butt and not gaslight myself. My own confidence was wavering some, some of it in part to being really tired.

I met with the roofing contractor last night and he is ready to rock - possibly as early as next week. He is divorced and remarried but we talked briefly about his divorce. He asked who I used for an attorney. He smiled and said "oh, you went for the sleeper - the really good one that everyone things is a kittycat until she gets into court". He saw by the look on my face I was concerned because I quickly figured out that my attorney was his XW's attorney. He laughed and said not to worry, he would have hired her too, had he known. We both relaxed and talked about the whole painful divorce thing a bit and he said he gave me lot of credit for doing it on my own.

I feel good about the roof moving forward and I know Xh will see it being done. I am sure it is going to set off a storm of questions and make him probably stir the pot. I am simply aware of how much he drives by and he doesn't like seeing me progressing. I am not worried, just preparing for the bee's nest being stirred. He has less control, so really it will be an annoyance more than anything.

The roof getting done is pushing me to move forward on the other projects I have wanted to tackle. I am actually excited about dropping a chunk of money that really should be making me sick right now - LOL. I think it is a feeling of taking back control and making things happen in spite of the madness that came before.  :)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #66 on: September 05, 2019, 08:23:42 AM »
I LIKE your coworker lol.
Hmmm...find myself wondering whether the new roof work can include a set of revolving tiles that turn to spell out a rude message for your xh on his drive bys.... ;D...I can come up with some if you need suggestions lol
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #67 on: September 05, 2019, 01:23:26 PM »
I LIKE your coworker lol.
Hmmm...find myself wondering whether the new roof work can include a set of revolving tiles that turn to spell out a rude message for your xh on his drive bys.... ;D...I can come up with some if you need suggestions lol

Or just ones that change color like a polarization filter.... Electronics would be fairly easy and there are those new roofs where the shingles are really solar cells so o e would only need the right control software.... One could even do pictures in black and white....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #68 on: September 05, 2019, 04:47:43 PM »
I LIKE your coworker lol.
Hmmm...find myself wondering whether the new roof work can include a set of revolving tiles that turn to spell out a rude message for your xh on his drive bys.... ;D...I can come up with some if you need suggestions lol

Or just ones that change color like a polarization filter.... Electronics would be fairly easy and there are those new roofs where the shingles are really solar cells so o e would only need the right control software.... One could even do pictures in black and white....
I want THESE!!!!!
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #69 on: September 05, 2019, 08:53:42 PM »
Treasur, UrsaMajor, OffRoad - LMAO, oh that idea was funny earlier today, but after tonight, I am really seriously considering something along those lines - LOL

It is probably a good thing I had such a good day or tonight's nonsense would have tipped the scales.

My high school classes went well this morning. I was off to a good start.

I was at the college for a couple of hours before going to the big opening event this afternoon. I was able to get several things off of my plate and I prepped for my morning class.

I arrived at the venue early and helped with the final set up. My coordinator was nervous, which always surprises me on the one hand, but she and I are very much alike - introverts underneath it all and shy when it comes to larger groups. I was not liking the large crowd of people coming in and then I saw a friend of mine from the department who came over and gave me a huge hug. He and I have different schedules this semester. He had lost my number over the summer and as he was putting it in his phone he said he wants to take me out on his boat. Now, this friend is not interested in me in any other way than a friend. That is certain. But, we always have a wonderful time together. So, I have plans now in the works to spend one of my afternoons - my call as to which day, as he only teaches one class, out on the lake. The question is whether or not we will be departing from his summer home or his winter one on the lake - LOL. Yah, it is like that and I like to kid him about it.

As we were talking another friend of mine that I haven't seen in a year came and sought me out. She runs the Art department at a large 4 year private university. They are expanding the program and she had asked me in the past to teach. She has several things she wants to float by me and they are all really good possibilities. Short term, it would put me in a good position financially and it could lead to a much bigger thing. If for no other reason, today, It was just a nice boost to my wavering confidence this week.

The event went way beyond the allotted time because it was such a huge success. We had planned on closing it down by 6:30, but the musicians kept playing and many of us stayed past 8 pm.

The overall day had been a positive.

I came back home and there were packages waiting for S. I called him to ask him where he wanted me to put them. We talked for a significant amount of time. He shared what he learned in art class and he is enjoying it so far. He always loved to draw, so it is a nice change of pace for him. He mentioned then out of the blue that he has someone coming to look at one of his trucks. I asked what was going on and he has decided he is going to sell the one truck. I had been hoping for awhile to hear this, and because it is such a delicate situation, as there are emotions attached to it thanks to Xh, I haven't pushed too hard. I had faith S would see he doesn't need that particular truck and unloading it would ease so much of his own stress.

So out came "so, I hear you had a visitor this morning". S was laughing. I said yes, but how did he know? I told S that my coworker had stopped for coffee, that was it. Well, seems Xh saw my coworker leaving the house at 7:30 am. I laughed and shook my head. Uh huh.

Then S mentioned Xh has now invited my nephew in addition to the mystery woman to the event this weekend.

Now, I know Xh wants to be in this parade, and be the center of attention. That is how it is in his new MLC world.

In the past, S went with Xh and my F more times than not to this event. S mentioned to me that he really wanted to bring my F along as he realizes my F is getting older. S and my F have a very close bond. I said he would probably enjoy that, but in the back of my mind I wondered how this was going to go over.

That whole anticipating Xh having one of his "MLC moments" and I had a moment of wanting to just go completely off on him. I said not too long ago that he wants me to fight. He certainly did his best to pick one with me tonight. I have not answered him and don't intend to. I have nothing to add to this lovely series of texts that came in over the course of 45 minutes.

The first one was "For the sake of our S's happiness. I hope your father has the decency to NOT spend much time with me as I will only be minimally cordial. At best. He's a naive boy and it trying to make everyone happy. He is misguided".

Hmmm, I saw that and half laughed. My F is not the one Xh has to worry about. My M, while she has had sympathy for him would call him out on his crap. My F, has been always civil. But, what does Xh expect anyways. The character assassination has come back to my F's ears through the rumor mill. Yah, that hasn't exactly made him feel good. The fact that Xh is jerking around both grandchildren is probably not a good thing. And I am going to go out on a limb now and wonder if this woman Xh is bringing along is in fact OW or someone my F already knows somehow. No matter what, I just read that text and laughed at all of the absurdity.

S and F have always been close. Xh does this game of calling S young and naive. He has said to me before that "he is just a child" while on the flip side pushed for his emancipation (which technically did not happen) and often tell me that S is a young man and needs to be treated like one. Which is it? And S is not naive at all. I am betting this was S saying that his grandfather is getting older and frankly, Xh is going to be wrapped up in showing off, so S is taking the one person who will truly enjoy the event at the same level as S. They will look at the cars and have a good time on a different level.

Then came another series of texts, because of course, Xh is not happy that I am ignoring the communication. I had wanted to respond in so many nasty ways. I wanted to be logical. I wanted to be angry. I don't like being ignored myself, so I try not to behave that way, but I realized if I respond, it is bound to upset S and make it uncomfortable for S. I am not going to play Xh's games.

So, of course, XH is clearly trying to bait me, because this was the follow up:
"I will extend the same non-existent courtesy that I've been shown"

A few more minutes passed and this came in. "I have told S what I told you. He realizes he should have asked me. Now you know".

Hmmm. Let's see. He should have asked Xh. Wow. Okay. Like Xh asking S if it was okay if he had already asked this woman along. He didn't ask S if it was okay if he brought this mystery woman. He asked if S would be okay with it. He had already extended the invitation. What was S going to say? Then he invites my nephew without asking S how he would feel?

So, okay, I get that my F is a bit of a different thing as it must feel like enemy camp for Xh, but that is his own fault.

The reality was I realize Xh is not going to like my F being there because my F has many friends that participate in this event. He won't like that my F and S are having a good time. He won't be able to show off as easily. This is making Xh uncomfortable.

My F, he will avoid Xh and is like S.

I debated about calling Xh out on his crap. I debated about talking to S. I will discuss it with my F, not sharing the text because my F will then feel like he has to stay away or something else. But, I feel I need to at least tell my F that it might be best to avoid Xh altogether if possible for S's sake.

I decided to be the mourning dove that swoops and not to engage the hawk. He is looking for a fight. I am sure my morning cup of coffee has played out a very different way in his mind and that is not helping matters. I am sure it probably looked like my coworker stayed the night and was leaving for work type of thing. Ultimately if that had been the case, it is not Xh's business. He fails continually to understand that I have moved on.

My sister said it as well that is what is bothering Xh underneath it all. She said he would have hated seeing me laughing and smiling at the event today, making plans with friends and the like. She said while I am not "moving on" with my coworker, it is clear I am not standing still waiting for Xh to return. And, it is not that it is about him returning as much as he didn't expect me to get back to having a happy life.

D saw me tearing up a bit from the stress. We talked about it briefly. She said that the reality is Xh has been pushing her away and now S is pulling away and those are due to Xh's actions. She said he doesn't like what is happening, but he is the only one who can fix it and he has to quit blaming everyone else. I asked her how she got so smart and she said she watched me navigate this MLC months ago and she is just realizing how I survived it. She said she and S had a talk about their own accountability in life for their actions as adults. They have taken on more and I must admit they have owned their failures. D said to me it was time for Xh to grow up. LOL

Yah, my friend said earlier that i should just text Xh and tell him to grow up. LOL. But, I am going to let him beat his wings until he can't fly. I am not going to participate in this chase. Maybe another day.  ::)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #70 on: September 05, 2019, 09:29:01 PM »
You NEED those roof tiles..... Or a HUGE neon sign.... Maybe that says "Grow up, Boy..." or "You made your choices. Now reap the consequences." or maybe just a picture of the Karma Bus? Or how about "Get a life - elsewhere..."

So many ideas, most of which are NSFHS.....

What a walking Richard Cranium with ears.....

I hope that S and you F go and have a great time and just ignore xH. THAT will probably piss him xH even more.... <heh>
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #71 on: September 05, 2019, 10:13:36 PM »
I know it wasn't to you, MD, but yours ex's texts were HILARIOUS! They had zero to do with you. S invited his Grandfather. It's a PUBLIC event. Your X is just pissed because the agreement where X and S were going to ride in the MG together? Your ex just DUMPED  all over S by asking if S was ok with some woman coming, then inviting nephew, and instead of telling his dad that only S and his dad were supposed to ride in it, S just invited his own person to enjoy it with instead of biting at the disrespect bait. IMO, your X is truly being a huge jerk.Status quo.
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 10:16:52 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #72 on: September 06, 2019, 12:40:37 AM »
Pretty sure that a combo of the season, his assumptions after seeing your (very good looking) early morning visitor and his need for control with your son has left your xh in a fine stew. All of which is frankly ridiculous. Your xh is now a silly ridiculous man. Sorry. Sad. But there it is.
And that is nobody's circus but his unless others buy tickets or pay attention.

You did quite right to not reply to the silly texts. Not your business. This is a public parade event that you are not attending or involved in organising. Nothing to do with you.

Can I take another pass at it while encouraging you to continue to do nothing at all?

None of these invitations or arrangements were made by you...they were made by your xh and your son. Both of whom are adults. Well technically the case of your xh. Getting ranting texts or instructions about any of these arrangements Is frankly peculiar. It's like me texting you bc I don't like the cinema seat that I booked for myself. Ridiculous.
Last time I checked your father is over the age of 21, has his own opinion of xh, knows that xh will be there and is not an idiot. Your father that is  :) Why not just let him handle it as he sees fit on the day?
And your son? Well there may be a kernel of truth in your xh saying he is trying to 'make everyone happy'. Idk. It sounds more as if, as we all do after this storm, your son is recognising that moments with your lovely father should not be taken for granted. But your son is an adult too and he will learn from his own experience and disappointments with your xh....which is a good thing for him as your xh is likely to continue to be an angry controlling a$$hat for quite a while yet.

So why not just leave all of these other folks to get on with it? You are not responsible for how they behave, you didn't create the situation, they all chose to say yes to going and tbh the world won't end if there are harsh words or temper tantrums from your xh. Both your father and your son are perfectly capable of walking away from nonsense and finding another way to enjoy the event.

So, my sense Mourning is that your xh is trying to play an old tune where you are responsible for other people's behaviour and he gets to control the universe by delegating stuff for you to fix.
And a tiny bit of you - not much bc you didn't respond to the texts - but a tiny bit of you is being pulled towards some kind of 'protective/family/peacekeeping' tune by planning to talk to your father.

But you don't have to do that now bc the context is completely different from a few years ago. Your son is a young adult not a teenager. You are not a supportive wife or obliged to make family glue round his frustrations. Your father knows that your xh is an irrational angry a$$hat and no longer his SiL.

Do nothing. Say nothing. Other than listen to your son or father afterwards if they want to vent  :)
Let them all get on with it. Let them learn or not, deal with or not, play nicely or not.
Be the Dove as you say  :)

Much more useful for you to plan something nice that you are going to do on that day.
And maybe muse lightly on why/if you were triggered by these silly texts from a ridiculous man whose world is not going how he planned...who has thrown away his loving supportive Ils and wife, probably lost his daughter and has an increasingly strained relationship with his son....all of whom seem to be doing just fine without him bc really other than being an irritant, your xh is mostly irrelevant in the life of wellbeing of your whole family isn't he? Again sad, but his choice. He has become pretty pointless and I suspect his new happy doesn't compensate for that much...so he tries to make himself relevant even in a negative way...but nope, everyone just shrugs bc his opinion no longer matters and gets on with their own life parades lol.....jmo.
« Last Edit: September 06, 2019, 01:01:12 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #73 on: September 06, 2019, 12:19:55 PM »
UrsaMajor, OffRoad, & Treasur - I am glad that I am not just being cynical and others see the absolute insanity of those texts. I reread them and just kept shaking my head, thinking that first of all, I have no idea who "this guy" is and secondly, what was he really trying to accomplish?

My moment of being upset was not so much a trigger as a reality of the movements Xh is now making to clearly push S away too. I was sad for my kids. This utter nonsense and for what?

I had decided against the call to my F. If things are said, I have no control over it and Xh needs to get over himself. His need for control is not going to be tolerated. No one is doing this to somehow jerk him around. S's invite was pure and from the heart. As for being naive - I am not certain S is that and in fact, I think he is simply more mature than Xh and was hoping they could move forward.

My M, texted and mentioned her concerns to me this morning. I didn't respond to her text but called. My F answered and all I said was "I heard S asked you to the parade". My F said he was excited about going but he had no intention of holding Xh's hand and being extra nice. I know my F. He will bite his lip until it bleeds if need be to protect S in the moment. But, I also know that if Xh crosses any lines, all bets are off. I didn't guide my F, and simply said to have a good time.

It is a large event and D said to me that my F and S will be able to go get a beer together this year. It will be a nice thing for them to share and she hopes Xh doesn't muck it up too much.

It was shortly after that my M called. Clearly M and F had not spoken about my phone call. My M wanted to know if it was my idea to have S ask my F along. I assured her I was no part of the planning nor was it on my radar. It was all S and I found out after the fact.

My little struggle last night was not liking that I anticipated contact from Xh. He is right on schedule. First day of school or in this case the anniversary of our divorce being finalized. I didn't want to be right. I wanted to get through this stretch without his interruption in not only my life, but the kids'. They are trying to live a normal college life and he wants to make sure they don't have that, just like he didn't.

I can't even begin to count the times his deceased B messed things up or the countless calls from his F, where Xh would hang up on him. I was there for so many of those moments. But, while I have compassion for what he went through, I no longer have patience for it.

Early this morning, one of my former students posted a post on FaceBook. She has been through more than any human should ever be through and is the most positive person I think I have ever encountered. Wronged by so many people and dealt more blows than a prize fighter. She posted a quote by Denise Frohman - "Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility".

I found that to be exactly where I am at with Xh. I am sorry he suffered at the hands of others. But, quit torturing those people who tried to help you. 

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #74 on: September 06, 2019, 05:40:19 PM »
I came home and immediately took the dog out for a brief walk. I stopped by my parent's house to drop off some samples from the millwork.

My F was not home yet and I sat and talked to my M about yesterday's event. She then brought up today and the parade. She made a comment that simply lead me to tell her that she can believe what she wants, but after being bombarded with texts, that I was not going to share, I have no doubt in my mind that Xh was not happy about my F going.

My F came though the door and right away fed the dog her treats. He was in their kitchen and said Xh was cordial and did tell him about what he was teaching. He said that S ended up riding in the parade and no women was anywhere around.

S came in as I was talking to my F. He was beaming and said he had been waiting for years to do that event. He got to ride the whole route and a woman who has participated with her H for the last 10 years asked my nephew if he wanted to ride in their MG and she would sit this round out. That left my F to stand by himself, but S kept checking in on him and my F found several people he knew and he had a good time. He took lots of pictures of Xh and S in the parade.

S made a comment about the "mystery woman" and said Xh decided not to bring her along for this event, stating to S that he wanted S to ride in the car, as it was their event. Hmmmm- moment of clarity or is my cynical side thinking the 'mystery woman" was OW and he knows my F knows all about her. Or was it pressure because now Xh was really under the microscope, by his own doing? My F did mention that Xh was behaving like a cat on a hot tin roof most of the time.

S mentioned that my F only talked to Xh in a very nice manner and was complimentary about the car. My F said it was beautiful, but Xh forgot to bring the top for it and had driven the car down. There were thunderstorms rolling in. I will admit, I am kind of taking a bit of pleasure at the idea of Xh having to ride back home with plastic sheeting covering the Italian red leather interior. I know - I am going to Hades. LOL

I am happy for S. It is what should have happened. I truly want to believe Xh looked deep down and decided to do the right thing. I can't quite convince myself of that after last night's melt down.

In the end it does not matter. I will keep the texts a secret from S, as he does not this particular memory tainted by the rantings of Xh the night before. I won't take that away from S. It was clearly a great day with my F and that is the most important thing.

I did talk at length with my sister who shared the texts with her H. BIL is very good at looking at things with a neutral view. He could have been a mediator, and a good one. He read the texts and said how appalling Xh's behavior was and just juvenile. He was shocked. He then asked my sister what is it about the first week of school for Xh.

It dawned on me that prior to my IL's divorce, Xh had been in military school and then he didn't want to return. In a span of 6 years or so, the parents were in the midst of their issues and pulled him from private Catholic school after military school and then began a rotation of public schools. He once told me he was the new kid every year for about 6 years. One of the very biggest promises he wanted me to make when the kids were born was that we would keep the kids in the same school district and let them have roots. I had been uprooted to live in Belgium in my childhood and I never thought about how tough it was being in a new school. I remember it being a transition, but once Xh voiced how he wanted our kids to have stability, it was something I agreed to, because back then I knew moving so often didn't give Xh the stability he needed.

I have thought about the conversation and have always been aware of the situation, but today, it really dawned on me. The first week of school had to be traumatic for Xh and is that what this is for him - controlling that first week.

Again, does it matter in the grand scheme? No, it changes nothing. It is my own sense of clarity and understanding but until he does his own mental inventory, it is going to be more of the same.

It does not give him a pass for acting like an a$$. In fact, if anything, I am maybe a tad more frustrated in that I can see it and he refuses to look that deeply to figure it out because he would have to admit that he is wrong to behave like he did.

I am not triggered, or stressed. I am frankly relieved S had a good time.

I am now preparing myself for the next round of "knickers in a twist" behavior from Xh because my attorney called to tell me she is sending the check I requested for the roof and the additional projects to get done. Xh has no idea what I have going on in my head and they are projects that he is going to have a hissy fit over. This is not my attempt to get under his skin, but I know it is going to ruffle feathers.

My M called and she is worried Xh is going to create problems for me. I told her to bring it on. He doesn't get to have a say in any of this. She then asked me a question I have asked myself many times. She wanted to know if he doesn't stop to see the kids, then why does he take this road to go to his client's, when the 3 other crossroads are more direct? Yah, curious. LOL. I told her clearly since he can't get the zip code right he must be fearful of getting lost in the community he lived in for over 20 years and maybe I should buy him a GPS.  ::)

Online OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #75 on: September 06, 2019, 11:45:34 PM »
I am very glad S and you F had a good time. My cynical side says that your XH was trying to get S to bite and say that the parade was supposed to just be H and S, but S didn't. Wanting S to make a big deal out of it. If there is no satisfaction in being in control (since S did not allow it, nor did your F), the original plan came into play as it should always have been. The MLCer can try but he can't argue if no one will argue with him. That's just my take on it based on my own past experiences with personality disordered individuals.

I'm sure a GPS will help. That way, he can be SURE he passes your house. ;D
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #76 on: September 07, 2019, 12:43:15 AM »
Dealt with beautifully all round, Mourning....sane people 50 points, mlc xh 0 points  :)

I suspect the 'drive bys' are his new control thing...particularly bc he has a long list of epic fails on that front by now.....well, he'll get to see the work on the house, everyone getting on with a life that he has no part in and maybe a few more lovely coffee pop ups by handsome chaps! Sucks to be him. As you say one can feel a certain level of detached compassion but also just be bored with the nonsense after a while. Everyone stops wanting to play....
« Last Edit: September 07, 2019, 12:44:57 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #77 on: September 07, 2019, 08:36:43 AM »
OffRoad & Treasur - As much as Xh had me riled up inside, I was grateful I kept it more to myself in RL.

As I was driving home last night, I passed the field where I saw the Mourning Dove trying to escape the Red Tail Hawk. I laughed at the correlation of how Xh's behaviors made me feel like I was beating my wings trying to outfly him. It is not funny in the moment. I think my amusement was in that when that artist made that connection for me, the visual is way too accurate.

I think the other things that seared a little were when my F said that Xh was teaching a class for Interior Designers. Now, he is very good in that arena, but I was the one with more experience in that area prior to MLC. His "experience" was more intimate with interior design, as his OW is an Interior Designer. And, he was a fantastic instructor at one point, so I had to work through that the students are lucky to have a good teacher. I have to at least remind myself of this so that when I do run into those people from that college I know, I am prepared for the possible questions. I have to stick to my own high road. For my benefit. I won't build him up, but unlike him, I won't tear him down publicly. I have to stay true to myself.

And, that is the other little nugget. It came back to me already that people in Xh's world are aware I had an early morning visitor. That part pisses me off. And that is just people. It is not the fact that people talk. I can deal with that. And I don't care it came from Xh. What upset me was it came on the heels of his stupid texts. His all around need to somehow paint me as the "horrible person".

Yup, that is me. I made a fresh pot of morning coffee for a guy. OH MY - How scandalous.  ::)

I haven't installed a revolving door of men. I have had 2 men at my house in 3 years. If Xh REALLY knew me the way he used to, he would know I am not one to just let people into my life and certainly not introduced to my kids in that manner. I have to have a huge amount of trust in someone to allow that. Anyone who knows me well completely understand. And, while I enjoyed holding dinner parties once in awhile, I do not have a need for oodles of people around all the time. I get my human contact quotient in that manner at school with students. I crave that more intimate aspect of relationships, not the groups of people.

This morning I decided to get rid of some of my pent up, left over "energy" from the other night's texts. I was over the anger part, but having to work yesterday, I hadn't really had a chance to push out the physical stress. So, knowing my check is arriving Monday, I grabbed a cat's claw and have pulled the moulding off of the kitchen windows. They have needed replaced. I was gentle at first, trying to save the original moulding, which profile they no longer make. Because of the age, it was brittle and I paused and then thought F it. I can buy moulding and go new, have some made at the millwork or I can go to the restoration store. I decided it was a sign that I needed to just use this as a moment to destroy things. No glassware this time.

I have the windows "unveiled" and now can get the proper measurements so that I can order the new ones. I will hire my neighbor kid or one of S's friends to help me install them. They are low enough to the ground I can manage them, just needing an extra pair of hands to help me hold them, as the whole corner of the kitchen is windows.

The first crack of the moulding actually made me feel so good. LOL. I felt like I am actually making progress. Oh, sure, I have other chores I need to do and this starts a new project, but I need this. Something that removes more of the MLC "non projects" that happened. Those windows are the last ones in the house that needed replaced in the renovation from years ago. MLC tabled all of those things. And I have to reupholster the banquette seating. The table has been stripped and ready to put on a new top coat. The kitchen counter of the bar is next.

It is a project, but I can actually see it happening and the only real investment is the windows, because in MLC land, Xh bought all of the supplies and then abandoned. I was told not to touch anything. The windows were the project that held up others. They are the first domino.

Now if only this had happened when I had off from college and school - LOL. I guess it will keep me out of trouble.  ::) And I suppose it will make for some funny moments because I am apt to be inspired after work now and jump right in without changing out of my professional clothes. There are apt to be stilettos involved in this project at some point and eye rolls from D because of it. LOL
« Last Edit: September 07, 2019, 08:50:00 AM by MourningDove »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #78 on: September 07, 2019, 09:30:43 AM »
You might have read in my thread that I have finally got to anger ha ha.

But I so get the pissed off feeling. It would piss me off too. I think at a really basic level it is outrageous that these sick f'ers and their flying monkeys think they even have the right to a bloody opinion. And it is like pollution. I fought for my m, you blew it all up and didn't give a s$it, I let you go...so frankly the least you can do is F off and go away  >:(

Yup, hello anger lol.
So I like the destruction idea...I am musing on celebrating my wedding anniversary with some burning and smashing of a few things I have left belonging to my xh  ;)

How much longer do you have to play the silly cheque game, Mourning?
And can your roof guys build ramparts with some medieval weapons for those drive bys?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #79 on: September 07, 2019, 05:50:30 PM »
Treasur - I did read your thread and anger is, I believe a healthy response at times. It is what we choose to do with it.

I have obviously had my moments of not being level headed and angry, but I have also found it gives me a bit of fight at times that I need to want to push farther away from MLC. That little bit of anger is not always bad to keep me motivated to get my own life back. I think the trick is to not let it fester and then we fall into bitterness and resentment.

I was very upset with Xh the other night. I spent time trying to gel down what was really at the root of the anger. I was angry with Xh for jerking S around. I was angry because I knew what was driving Xh's jab - I knew when he saw my coworker it would no doubt stir him up and I was going to hear about it from people. I was upset that Xh was being so juvenile.

I really boils down to I have grieved and I just want peace. I don't think it is a request that is unreasonable. Xh left and got what he claimed he wanted. He is off driving his car, etc. So, why then must he disrupt my life. What drives his need to inject himself into my life?

It is his need to control things, still.

I may need to consider the medieval weapons - LMAO. And you have no idea how funny that is to me. I can visualize it way too easily. Hahaha.

As for the silly check game, I was just having that conversation with my sister. I said it is pretty sad that I am looking forward to D turning 21 in 2 years so that I can be completely free of Xh. If he is still being such a colossal a$$, I may go so far as to block his number. IDK. I just know that when the contact "MLC" comes up on my phone, I take a deep breath before reading. I am grateful he isn't reaching out nearly as often.

The past couple of weeks have been very odd in terms of my own mood. I have been struggling with those moments of gaslighting myself and feeling less then. It has crept in and it was never an issue prior to MLC. I found myself angry with not having worked outside as much this summer and my body is not as well toned as it normally is this time of year. I know what is triggering it and I am not liking it. I have been fighting back. I don't like lacking confidence. I was always comfortable in my own skin.

The funny things that have come up though have made me laugh and make me stop myself from going down the rabbit hole. A couple of weeks ago I had a very odd experience at lunch when a woman, who I barely know stopped suddenly and announced she wanted to know what bra I had on. That made me pause and wonder "WTF". She laughed and apologized, but she wanted me to know that my breasts looked spectacular. D was with me and of course on the way home, D was cracking up and picking on me.

My coworker proclaiming "damn" didn't hurt. LOL

Today, I walked into the millwork wearing shorts. I was only going in for a couple of hours, as my computer had problems on Thursday which prevented me from making progress. I wanted to start the coming week off on time and not trying to catch up right out the gate. I walked in and my supervisor was there. She stopped and said "wow - I have never noticed, and please don't take this the wrong way, but you have amazing legs".

The rumblings in my head, the gaslighting I have been doing to myself have been stupid things. The compliments don't fix it, as it has to come from me, but they did remind me that I need to stop this nonsense. I cannot go down that path. I am sure the MLC contact didn't help the other night, especially with the rumors starting. It has very little to do with physical aspects, but like it or not that is where the gaslighting on myself started because those physical flaws are easier to pick apart.

I was angry with myself for letting this even trickle in.

And then came the turning point for me. It was a very odd coincidence. Last weekend I was at the gallery and my colleague had loaded a Spotify account on the computer. She had forgotten to log out and it popped up on the computer with a list of her "friends" and their music choices for the day. I was simply reaching for the mouse to log out for her, when the name right in front of me seemed way too familiar. I texted her and asked her how she knew this guy and to tell me about him. I burst out laughing after she told me a little bit about him. I then asked her how she knew him. She proclaimed it is her BIL and asked why I asked. I said because he was a student of mine when I first started teaching and it was at the vocational school where I worked in addition to college. It would have been right after I got married. I remembered him because his F taught ballroom dancing and the kid had incredible posture.

So today, I got a request from Facebook. It was the former student. He wanted to know if I remembered the crew he hung out with. I did. They have all moved away, but have stayed close friends. It brought back such fond memories of this group. They were good kids. He wanted me to know that he has thought of me often and the whole group wondered what had happened to me after I left. They were just mentioning a project we did and how I pushed so many of them. And he said that I was an inspiration because I encouraged them to embrace who they were and their own special qualities.

Maybe I have been on this odd path of forgetting that myself. I know what set it off for me and it doesn't really matter what it is. It was a trigger and it passed for the most part, but I realize now that I didn't allow myself to truly work through it. I dismissed it too quickly and I have been letting it bubble below the surface.

It is not easy to admit when you let those triggers hijack you after all of this time. And there is that fear that the triggers may never go away, which I don't believe. I think there might always be things that pop up, but I have to be kind to myself and realize it is part of that time and patience mantra.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #80 on: September 08, 2019, 10:20:30 AM »
And after the MLC Xh storm, there is always a calm, but it is of my own making. I have learned that after he stirs the pot, I have become much better at taking my own life and happiness back into my own hands.

I spent yesterday afternoon with my parents. They had wanted me to go with them to the home improvement store to give them some advice on their bathroom. Since my F's broken leg back in the spring, they decided that they need to get rid of their old claw foot tub and remodel the bathroom if they plan on staying in their home.

It was a pleasant afternoon for the most part, although I found myself going off on my own on purpose at times simply because I was feeling like a 15 year old. I wanted my F's opinion on windows, but I have specific windows in mind. I wanted the highest price quote I might encounter and work from that. My F didn't quite understand that, because I am pretty certain that even with his hearing aids in, the acoustics and echoing in the home improvement store were making it hard on him. He seemed surprised at my request for the pricing on that set of windows. I called my sister later and said I was trying to give myself "the worst case scenario" and also to be able to get a reliable price comparison based on a range I had in mind.

It wasn't even my parents, I realized that I found myself aggravated with. It was me. I was a bit upset with myself. Xh and I in our early years, had worked so well together. We each had our strengths and valued each other's opinion. When we bought the house, there were times I just trusted his aesthetic and ideas. We worked together on blueprints and had our battles, until we found a common solution we could both live with or there were times we each gave in, realizing in the grand scheme it would still be a great solution, etc.

But, that all changed when FIL moved in. I no longer had a voice. I quit voicing my opinion because it didn't factor in there. And, the truth was, I have never been high maintenance in any way. I have been known to find creative solutions. I have some spectacular finds that I have gotten over the years that came from garage sales and the like. I know what is a quality piece and odd places to find them. D's closet doors in her room came from a garage sale. They were brand new in a box and the homeowner decided they wanted painted doors. I remember thinking to myself, hmmm, these are bare wood and could be IDK - painted. But, I have learned people can be very lazy. So, I picked those up for $5 at the time.

When MLC hit, I then dealt with not only FIL's opinion overriding mine, but Xh just did what he wanted. I was dismissed completely. I was not allowed to participate in anything nor to ask questions. Hmmm, things like when he put the fancy floor in his garage. That was all OW. Oh, he let me apply the surface and I told him it wasn't going to stick because he needed to completely degrease it several times before I put that fancy finish on it. What did I know, I only have painted on a variety of surfaces over the years. OW, who was his "friend" at the time said that was not the case. So, stupid here put in 3 days applying that finish, because I was doing it out of love. Yah, stupid me. XH was out driving around the lakes with OW, I found out later.

I realized yesterday that I am in fact reacting to Xh's control issue. I had to pause and think if this feeling was me wanting to just show him or what is driving my energy. It is not bad, but I need to keep myself in check.

I came to the conclusion that I am not going to sacrifice entirely my wants and vision for the kitchen. It doesn't mean I have to go full on most expensive solution. I know myself well enough to know, I can spend weeks looking for resources or I already was able to find out when the windows are going on sale, etc. I am in no rush. But, I also am finding that I am not wanting to necessarily just give in and not spoil myself once in awhile. It has been a long time since I have had any voice in these things. I spend a lot of time in that room, as it is one of my favorite places in the house. It is quiet and overlooks my pond. In the summer the shade trees let just enough sunlight through that the room is dappled with light and in the winter it is flooded with light.

I pushed my aggravation aside and realized in part it is also a fear of I have right now. This is a big move for me. To be tackling these things without someone, a partner is something I haven't done in years. And it is a little scary. I had to tell myself it is okay if I stumble and make mistakes. And, in the end, I will be fine.

It didn't help that S posted pictures of the car on FaceBook. I saw that red leather interior right before I left for my trip to look at windows. It burned, I won't lie. Xh did the upholstering himself, and it is pristine. I think it made me a bit angry because that is the quality of work he did on the projects around the house before MLC. I am left with the half-a$$ed fixes. I had to smack myself with a 2x4 and remind myself that it is okay. This is like buying a house from the previous owners and having to wrestle through. If I moved somewhere else, there would be similar issues.

This morning my sister called. She and my BIL live in a development where the houses are all executives and my house could easily fit in theirs 3 times. Their house was one of the model homes for that area and is gorgeous. When she called she wanted to let me know that while I have some of those crazy issues, that she was laughing because unbeknownst to them, after having their whole entire house flooring replaced with new tile in the kitchen and hardwood throughout the remainder of the house, that they just had a door casing crumble. I wondered if they had carpenter ants or something. She said that nope. It would seem her entire house has moulding that is not hardwood but is made out of a composite that looks beautiful when painted, but doesn't hold up for more than 5 or 10 years. I knew this was common in a lot of housing developments, as Xh had a client for years that was a housing developer. So, she laughed and said that I should put in whatever windows I want and not to skimp on the quality because of cost.

I told my sister I was sorry, but we both laughed. She said my house may be older, but I have hardwood all over the house and it has a lot of character that I should embrace. She said besides, I should make my house truly my own, whether it is for myself or to share down the line with someone else. Or no matter what, the improvements I make are in fact equity. She is right on all fronts. So, this morning I was in a better frame of mind.

It helped when I let the dog out of her little room and she flew past me. I was surprised because I was putting food in her dish. I thought maybe she needed to go out and I followed her. I found her with her nose to the glass. She had heard the tractor coming up the road. I don't know how she knew it, because a lot of tractors come through this time of year. She doesn't care about them most of the time. This one was just pulling into the field across the way. Oh dear - LOL. She stayed there just about shaking watching as they cut the alfalfa field.

It is moments like that when I realize I have it pretty good right now. Xh can squawk and ruffle my feathers a bit. It might make me think he is having a great life now without me. And then, I realize it doesn't matter what his life is like, as it shouldn't affect me. My own life is falling into place. I may not always be patient with how things are, but they are pretty good. Now, had I just washed that window the dog had her nose pressed against, I might not have been nearly as charmed by her behavior - LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #81 on: September 08, 2019, 01:49:44 PM »
My children were watching some television show together at lunch time. They wanted me to come in and witness the character smashing the contents of the room with a baseball bat. What they wanted me to see was that the setting was the character was in a "smash room" where you pay to destroy things.

Now both kids said that would be great fun to release some of their own anger and stress. When I told D's boyfriend to look up the cost, I looked at both kids and told them to tell me when they wanted to go. I think they thought I had lost my mind. Neither of them know about my antics with glassware. It is not a regular occurrence.

I told them that I have often pounded on a piece of clay or worked out those emotions that sometimes can only be released in a physical manner. Usually it is with exercise, but I told them that sometimes, like it or not, we have anger that requires a different release. I said it is not a need to hit someone or to harm someone. It is not about smashing the headlights out of someone's car, as we know that would get us into trouble, but those emotions do sometimes bubble up.

The more I thought about it, I realized that maybe they need this. I have broken my share of things and released so much. In S's case especially, I am not sure what he holds inside sometimes. He releases a great deal of physical energy working on his trucks and the like. But, what if he needs to break something.

Strangely, the one thing he got very excited about on the options for smashing at this place was a windshield. Now, it could be coincidental, and just sound like fun, but I found it mildly intriguing that the big topic of conversation about Xh's restored MG was that he went so far as to buy the special order racing windshield for this vehicle. Hmmm. Maybe it is just well timed. Or maybe S does need to smash a windshield.

When I told my sister, she balked at the price a bit. I laughed and told her it was considerable less than a copay to a therapist might cost me. After a bit, she said she decided it might be fun to do anyways.

It looks like it might be a family affair. Wow, we sound like a very violent crew - LOL.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #82 on: September 09, 2019, 01:27:46 AM »
No words needed.....

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #83 on: September 09, 2019, 08:36:02 AM »
LOL, UrsaMajor.

The more I have thought about this crazy idea, the more I like it. I think it might be worth exploring. It could be a lot of fun.  ;D

I started back today at the high school. I met the new principal and must admit it was an immediate good feeling. I am hoping it lasts. She wants to consider expanding the program for next year. Hmmm. It could be a good thing. Of course it helped me immensely to have several students give me high fives as I was standing there talking to the principal and 2 others came up behind me and gave me a group hug. The principal laughed and said clearly I was liked. The one student was quick to say that yes, and I kicked their butt more than once to make them strive to do better.

I came home and looked at my calendar and plugged in some "have to happen" items on my calendar.

I am waiting on my check to arrive via FedX today and I should be wanting to get sick. I know that the check is pretty much spent before it even hits my account. It has been a very long time since I dropped that much cash on one item by myself. And, yet, there is this odd sense of calm and a bit of excitement. It isn't the money, I realize. It is the ability to maybe move past more of the things that have stagnated. MLC kept me so bound.

While Xh still throws ropes around my ankles and I have to wiggle out, it is nothing like it was in the past. I felt anchored at every turn. I couldn't make progress while he was here. When he left it created new issues, emotionally as well as in the realm of daily life, practical things. Then it was like trying to stabilize a boat that nearly capsized. I am not thinking this is some miraculous moment and it is all going to be better. I know it will take me several years to really get back on track - the magic number seems to be 5 years I have heard from people who have been through this. With that in mind, I am going to remind myself of that when the next speed bump pops up.

But, it also gives me exactly what I have been hoping for in many ways. To be able to not have to worry whether or not Xh sends that support check. His "contribution", which is beyond laughable at this point, is not going to control me in the same way. It will annoy me, but it is just money. It is his behavior that is the bigger issue. This buffer I am getting is going to make things better for at least a few months and having a new roof, etc will bring me some peace.

And today, I did something that I rarely do. Someone posted something on a public page on FaceBook. His question was one I could not answer publicly. It is not something I would do anyways. I avoid those things. However his question was one about my kids' former school district. And, I gather he is a single parent, with concerns about his daughter's education and wants to pay for his D to go to the school district my kids were in. I sent him a message and gave him a name of someone to reach out at the school to help guide him. I got a thank you and he was very gracious.

It seemed very odd for me to do that. But, I realized that as a single parent, I have had so many people help guide me and support my kids. I should pay it forward. It is not easy being the parent who has no say and you want to be involved, or the parent who is on their own completely.

My LBS friend has reached out to me a couple of times this week, as her once involved MLC H has suddenly fallen back into teenager mode and can't be bothered to help her "coparent". It is maddening and the biggest aggravation I know I have. Fine, leave me, but for heaven's sake, the kids did not ask for this.

I cannot imagine the flip side though. I am so grateful, even in those moments of wanting to pull my hair out, that I have the kids and Xh is not jerking me around that way. I cannot imagine being pushed out of my kids' lives. And, I do remind myself of that when I am ready to scream because I have had enough of kids. LOL

I did have to laugh when this morning I ran smack into one of the men at school. I have not figured out who he is - if he is one of the architects or a new faculty member. All I know is I am rarely "star struck" and holy moly, he stopped me in my tracks. One of the young women from my class last year gave me such a smile and she said she was pretty sure I was actually rattled, which doesn't happen. Yah, I was. LOL. I am not in hot pursuit  - LOL. I am actually just laughing at my reaction. I remember the last time I stopped in my tracks like that and it was when I was in London with Xh. He used to pick on me about it all the time, although in MLC it took on a different twist. He was convinced in MLC that I would have pursued that man in London, which was ludicrous. I think the encounter just made me laugh because my F keeps saying I am getting a do over. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #84 on: September 09, 2019, 06:24:22 PM »
I am not even sure of the sequence of events now, it is all such a blur but I have had tears escape all afternoon. I held them in for awhile but on my nightly walk, the walk that was supposed to let go of these things, I sobbed like I haven't sobbed in a long time. It was way too reminiscent of BD days for my liking.

Things started to fall apart when I came home and noticed the dog has scratched her back bare in spots. It isn't fleas, but she had this one other time. She is allergic to something and like a typical lab, she is dealing with skin issues. So, a call to the vet. UGH.

Then another call. My debit card was compromised and the bank locked my account temporarily. I am grateful they keep tabs, but in the mean time, I got another call that my automatic payment that gets pulled today didn't go through. I hadn't even gotten that far in my thought process, as to what would be affected. It made me feel a bit of anxiety, because I am so careful about being on time with my payments, etc. Especially now. I am trying so hard to get back on track. While I am grateful they caught it and I am not dealing with the possibility of a drained account, it was just another little thing. The next call was to the propane company telling them to redraw on Friday, when I know this will be cleared up.

It is bad enough that I can feel myself wanting to put walls up and I am not liking this feeling. It scares me, TBH. I have fought so hard to not shut myself an to trust my gut and certain people - that gut instinct that opens up the possibility of letting someone into that inner most ring. And now, I felt myself shutting down. Questioning my own instincts, and all sorts of the things that were starting to pull me down the rabbit hole.

I tried to focus on the sweet smell of the freshly turned over alfalfa. I noticed how the one field looked like a kelly green ocean the way the grasses were undulating in waves. Normally, that would have brought on a sense of calm and that things are going to be okay.

Right now, though I am in a very vulnerable state. It has been too much. Too many things today that pushed the envelope. A trigger that was the mother of all triggers. One that shocked me to the core and maybe that is the biggest problem.

Things just came rolling in at such a rapid pace, that I am no longer sure of how they unfolded sequentially. It doesn't matter really. It was too much.

I wasn't the subject of the anger, but my boss had an epic meltdown. I have no idea what it was over, but he was screaming at the top of his lungs. D called at some point around the same time and was having an anxiety attack. The screaming was a huge trigger. It was the tone Xh took with me at BD and in MLC land. Screaming and yelling. I could feel myself being triggered in a way I haven't had in such a long time. I couldn't focus enough to help D. And the walls were going up. I was shutting down. I could feel it and that scared me.

I have navigated so many little triggers and never anticipated something like this setting me back.

S had been in a horrible mood last night and this morning. It was when I got home that D told me he had confided in her. First of all, S was upset how Xh had treated my F on Friday. S said my F showed grace and was kind, Xh was not so nice and was rude S said to D. It upset S immensely that Xh couldn't be an adult and at least show my F the same kindness my F showed. S knows nothing about the ranting texts from Xh and I won't share them.

Then came the next hit. D showed me an Instagram post Xh shared. She is ticked. S had posted on Facebook a lovely tribute to his day with Xh, my nephew and my F. Xh has reactivated his FaceBook account, so he had to have seen it. But, Xh instead made it clear he was not happy with S by posting a loving, mushy tribute on Instagram - to my nephew and how he was like a S, etc. No mention of S anywhere.

I had a call in the mean time about something that has popped up which in my moment of meltdown mode felt like I was going to have to give up my dream of having Wednesdays to myself. I felt like my world was suddenly caving in.

I came home to find my check had been delivered. I couldn't even find any enthusiasm for that. It was odd. I should have been excited or at least something other than just not caring.

I had nothing left.

And then came the other feelings. Questioning my whole progress and things that have happened over the past couple of years. Have I really progressed, or am I fooling myself because my behavior today certainly feels way too familiar. Like a huge slide back on that ladder.

I am grateful for my little support system. People who talked me off the proverbial ledge. Not a cheerleading session, just letting me get it off my chest and asking the right questions. Pushing, but not poking. And telling me when I was being unreasonable and honest.

D and I talked about my meltdown when she caught me falling apart. She laughed and gave me a hug and said I was allowed to have these moments. She said I will bounce back. I know she is right, but in the moment it was going on I felt like I was spinning out of control.

A smash room is not going to fix this. This feeling is a different one entirely.
« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 06:26:52 PM by MourningDove »

Online OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #85 on: September 09, 2019, 09:48:58 PM »
There have been so many things going on for you, it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed. I know I so wish I could have a week off and just do nothing. Not have to worry about anyone else, not have to deal with MLC stupidity, not have to care about if everything is paid.

I still duck and cover when certain types of yelling goes on. I simply leave the room. If anyone asks, I tell them why. I feel for you and the trigger is normal, though I am sorry you had to experience your boss's meltdown. That's something that may always trigger you.

Sadly, the kids get to see first hand what a jerk their father has become. That has to be hard for them and for you as a mother to know they have to go through this. We want to make it right, but we cannot fix this at all.

Do you wonder, MD, if that feeling of making your house your "own" might be part of the underlying feelings? It exhilarating and scary at the same time. It's like taking a very large step outside of your comfort zone.

I hope the card gets straightened out quickly.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #86 on: September 09, 2019, 10:39:28 PM »
Dear girl...well it must be something in the water bc you'll see on my thread that I had a similar spiralling experience yesterday.  ::)

It is unnerving to be experiencing reactions that you thought were behind you isn't it? And it made me feel frightened that I was still so vulnerable too. And lots of 'I'm never going to be unbroken ffs' talk in my head. So double whammy. Anxiety and fear about anxiety.

But I feel better this morning and I hope you do too. And like me I hope you can remind yourself of the positive...that it HAS become unusual to feel that way is a sign of progress from when we lived there, that we know what it is and how to puff through, that it does pass, that it is no more than a brain hiccup by our amygdala, that in reality we are no more or less vulnerable than we were before the first trigger, that the negative self talk is a feeling not a fact. And above all that the residue of PTSD is evidence that we survived something extreme and extraordinary....we HAVE survived it and it IS in the past. I recently found this video a useful clear (and comforting) reminder of why our brain does what it does https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ8sdPQZpWI

I gulped a bit when I read about your xh's social media antics. Not surprised at all that he was rude to your father...like a teenager...when of course a sane adult would see it in the exact opposite way, that he was the offender not the victim and being treated with tremendous grace. Ah, but no. Repressed shame makes people a$$holes. But your son? That's a punch below the belt...how sad and how mean of xh. As if he is almost following a script of 'how to alienate all of your children'...very script, but tragic. There isn't enough fancy red leather in the world to compensate for that is there? And it sounds just like his old FOO script I suspect. Even worse probably bc there will be no Mourning's family ready to take him in when he gets old as there was for your FiL.

Tbh sometimes these people are so bloody poisonous to all the good things that I'm not sure they should be allowed to play with good people at all. They are almost delusional. I suspect that bit by bit your son is gradually facing a reality that your daughter has been forced to face for a while...that less of xh is better and he needs to build a bigger moat. It must hurt to see him reach his own conclusions about xh but I guess it is part of your son's life lessons too. Do you think you should send out a signal encouraging your son to talk to you bc we all know that having big confusing emotion heard and validated can help reaffirm that this is NOT about him? Or indeed do you need to talk it over with your own father as he was there? Keeping things to ourselves is not always necessary and not always the best way to deal with bogeymen under the metaphorical bed maybe.
« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 10:47:49 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #87 on: September 10, 2019, 07:21:14 AM »
xH really HAS become FIL reincarnated, hasn't he?

I am not sure if I want to give him a Mr Crabs tiny violin or a Halk smashing Loki round picture.

I guess, in the end, it is one of those incredibly painful lessons that it seems to be S's turn to learn... that the man formerly known as F has really been replaced by the Bug in the Edgar suit.

As for the spiraling and the massive triggers... well..... lets just say that you are in VERY good company at the moment.... Seems to be a LOT of it going around... <puke>
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #88 on: September 10, 2019, 05:13:55 PM »
OffRoad - there is a bit of that "making the house my own" that is coming into play. I think it is that step off of the curb into traffic feel and waiting for a bus to come whizzing through the intersection that I didn't see coming.

Treasur - My F and I skimmed over it, but I don't see ruining his perception of what happened. He was comfortable in the day and accepted Xh was the way he was. All he has talked about is the great time he and S had. My F even took pictures of Xh with S in the car. There is no sense in bringing that up with him. And as for S, it is a similar thing. I am not going to somehow poison this more for him. S will tell me in his own time, he always does and it is usually on the backroads when we go out on an improptu adventure or when we go out together.

Part of that is also that delicate dance as a parent. I am not going to inject myself into a conversation that I was not invited to in this case. D has been talking to him and it is something only she truly understands in terms of that relationship destruction. And, as long as S is talking, it is a positive. It doesn't have to be me he confides in. And perhaps it is also better that way for the time being. I never want S or D to feel as though I am making them choose a side. That was FIL/MIL 101.

UrsaMajor - I am at least glad I am in such good company. I know several of us LBS who have been in spiral mode. At least I know it is not just me having a really tough time.

So, last night, I was so lucky to have the support of 2 female LBS who helped me limp through part of the night. I pushed myself a bit to try and grab ahold of some positives. I spent some time posting to my own FaceBook page images from my walks to remind myself of the calm. It was really for no other reason than to keep my mind occupied and focusing on doing something that was pretty mindless. I was just beyond functioning and not tired enough to sleep. I knew I needed to wear down enough to where I couldn't keep my eyes open or I would find myself flopping all night long watching the clock.

It was around 10:30 when my phone went off. I looked at the call and picked up. It was my coworker. He never calls late at night unless of course he has been drinking and that is a whole other conversation, although that has only happened a couple of times. I picked up and wondered what was going on. He asked if I was okay. I laughed and said not really, but why did he ask. He had talked to me earlier in the day about a student I have and I was "off" somehow and not myself. He said it was bugging him to the point where he wanted to check on me. He knows I am up later. Out it all spilled. He then offered to come to my house. It is an hour's drive. I joked with him he just wanted to stay with me so his commute would only be 5 minutes. He said I was very funny, but he was concerned and said if I needed a shoulder to cry on he would oblige. There was nothing sexual or inappropriate in the conversation. He was truly offering to be that friend. I declined and told him I was going to bed. This morning, he popped his head in my classroom, which is a pretty rare thing and just gave me a look. I knew what the look was and it was a "are you okay" glance and I said to him "it is all good".

But the truth was up until I got to school, my whole body was shaking. I was wobbly feeling from having drained so much energy. It was still rattling me a bit, as it felt way too familiar.

As soon as he gave me that look, I felt some sense of security. Once the students filtered in, I felt it all fade away. I was tired, but they needed my full attention.

The computers and some of the materials are still not in for the class, so I had to think on my feet today. I gave them an assignment where they each drew a line on a paper and then kept swapping it within their group to create a drawing. They grumbled at first, but it was great fun in the end and they learned a lot about their own personalities. It also was a way for me to prove them wrong. Last week, most of the told me that they were not creative. I had them walk around and look at each other's work and i announced that I never wanted to hear the phrases "I can't" or "I am not creative" ever again, they are forever banned in my classroom and will get them into more trouble than dropping the F bomb.

On my way out, my coworker smiled and said I looked much better. I felt like I was back on track.

I realized there were 2 big problems with yesterday that really tipped the scales.

The first being, my boss - the pitch and tone of his voice when he was yelling were very similar to my Xh's voice. And I was already aggravated with Xh.

The other was something that shook out more this morning. I went and deposited that check and I felt a sudden rush of sadness and perhaps some guilt. That check brings me relief and the opportunity to secure some things in my life. I cannot be mad at the bank teller, who did not know when she was expecting my support check and told me "wow, lucky you". I smiled and said yes, but I was feeling sick about it. I talked to my sister at length about it and she too had similar feelings.

It is hard knowing that my friend died alone. It is tough knowing he set up that trust to protect me in particular, when my own MLCer wanted to roll right over top of me.

I didn't earn that money. The friend spent his whole adult life working to end up leaving it my sister and I. He had dated for a long time, but a few years ago he and the woman broke up. He never had kids and never married. We were his family.

And, I realize that he would want me to be doing what I am doing and I am honoring what he wished, but it still seemed odd to be somehow benefiting from his death.

The discussion with my sister helped and we also talked about the yelling incident. She knows all too well what I experienced. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years, she said it sneaks up on you and it does get better, but the "right" conditions will send her into a panic at times even 25 years later, although she said it is rare now. She told me to be kind to myself.

In the afternoon I picked D up and we drove over to the college. D was smiling as I greeted several students on my way in - former students. I was there early and decided to spend the 2 hours down in the cafeteria where it would normally be quiet as the food area closes down for several hours before the evening classes start. The cafeteria is all windows and you can hide from the world that time of day.

I was chatting with a friend via messenger, when I started telling him about what I was witnessing. I was LMAO. A guy in the cafeteria was wearing headphones that allowed him to talk on his phone. He was playing video games. He was about 40 and I sent a photo of him to my friend because after an hour of this I was in stitches. He was trying to be cool and leaning back on his chair. I was waiting for it to slip out from under him. He was talking on the phone via the headphones and he was so loud the entire cafeteria could hear his whole conversation. He made it sound like he was a high end Wall Street mogul based on his tone. And I determined he was trying to be suave like Sean Connery, but was so far from that. My friend said right away "dweeb". I burst out laughing. Yes, indeed. When he felt he needed to share that he had an epic party this past weekend with Giovanni and the guys where the food was to die for and the alcohol ran freely, I told my friend that I was willing to bet that this guy spent this weekend with Netflix, cleaning his toenails and surrounded by cats, one which was named Giovanni. We had a good laugh.

On my way to class I heard my name called out. I turned around and saw 2 of my students from my Art History class last semester. They bounced back down the steps and both were so excited to see me. I am not sure what I did but it was a departure from yesterday, that is for certain. And the one I had spoken to last semester who was wanting to go into marine biology took my advice and went to Woods hole in Cape Cod. She is applying for some type of study program through that oceanographic institute.

I am worn out tonight, but at least I am back feeling like I am not a basket case. Yesterday really threw me for such a loop. I told my sister I could not believe how scared I felt, thinking I had lost all of my footing.

I know I can never go back to that.

The other realization I have come to is my Xh is embarrassed by S, just like FIL was of Xh. My nephew has a corporate job and making big bucks. I am happy for my nephew, but Xh is proud to show my nephew off to other people. S, is often dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and Xh, like FIL has taken an attitude that S is somehow beneath him. It is Xh's loss. S has reached out to me twice today, just to talk. I know that I am witnessing the next phase in Xh's journey and that is to cut out his kids. He truly is taking the FIL path. At this rate it is easy to see how Xh, like his F will eventually find himself alone completely. Sad, but that is his choice.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #89 on: September 10, 2019, 11:24:09 PM »
I am so glad that you had people who 'saw' you and could help you get your ground back, Mourning. As your sister says, we need to be kind to ourselves but the kindness of others can help tremendously  :)

MLC has big ripples and yes, it is sad for everyone affected. Really a tragedy in many ways bc so much that really matters is damaged or lost and we have no choice but to adapt. But every time you act with love to others, every small moment of joy with your family, every moment enjoying the view from your kitchen window or the alfalfa addicted dog, every bit of reclaiming the good stuff and accepting the love from others...is an act of rebellion. One more thing pulled from the waves to a safe bit of the beach.

Ps What does alfalfa smell like?
« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 11:29:27 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #90 on: September 11, 2019, 12:58:57 AM »
OK, I HAD to laugh at the "dweeb" because I can just picture that scenario...... It is similar to those pathetic Wanna-be cool guys in Starbucks or other public place that just HAS to make sure the ENTIRE place hears how "cool" he is or what a hot shot or studmuffin or whatever.....


I wonder if Giovanni was a cat.... or a hamster... or maybe a goldfish... <snort>  Or how did PInk put it in her song? "Talkin' $#!t but you're goin home alone. Just you and your hand tonight...."

Bus to Hades, here I come!

As far as the xH/S/Nephew triangle goes, it is just sad that xH can't see that he is racing towards the edge of that cliff full bore and he's the only one driving that train... But, like the old saying goes, "those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.... " IMHO, you are taking the right tack with S and your father with regard to allowing them to take the initiative to discuss the antics of xH rather than broaching the subject yourself... S especially is likely to need to some to get his head around the whole situation and D is, because of her experience (which is dreadfully sad to have to see as a "good" thing) is probably the best sounding board S could have at the moment... They can then hash things out without being put into the position (or feeling that they are being put into the position) of having to "take sides"as you noted.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #91 on: September 11, 2019, 07:54:56 AM »
Treasur - Well, you my dear made me Google this morning. LOL.

I had to see if there was a way to describe alfalfa, as I guess I have never thought about it in those terms. Now that the field has been cleared of it, I cannot go out there and really describe it. It is like fresh cut grass, but different. So, on a humorous quest I wondered if it was something I could find on the internet. It opened up a whole world of humor for me. There are alfalfa scented candles, cologne, etc. And some descriptions which rival a wine description - "earthy, with sweet undertones and hints of lemongrass". Another said it was a mellow smell, which really had me thinking about my dog and wondering if it is has some other quality I am attracted to - LOL.

It is rather amusing. But, now I have to wait until I encounter the next harvest to see if I can describe it.

And this morning, I am in full rebellion mode. LOL Those "good things" did bring me back around to wanting to dance it out. I made sure I had gotten enough done yesterday to get myself out of working today. I was hell bent on having my "No work Wednesdays". It is going to be my day mid week to do whatever I want. D is off at school all day and my home phone is going to voicemail. My cell phone I will check, but I am going to just control my day and try and not let it run me.

UrsaMajor - LOL. Normally, I would not be judgmental, nor would I have shared a photo. It was just unreal. The first 15 minutes of the "dweeb's" antics were fine, as I figured it was just that he didn't realize his voice was carrying. But, after a half an hour went by, I began to wonder and the conversation was clearly meant for all to hear. He was "too cool for the room". It was exactly the Starbucks scenario. Clearly a very "important person" who had an "epic" party.  ::) I had visions of the character Vector, from "Despicable Me". When he got up to throw something away, I witnessed very stocky, hairy legs with Converse high tops and cut-off jean shorts. Okay, live and let live, but wow, all that rolled through my head was "Warning - MLCer"!!. Pink's song would have been a perfect anthem. LOL

S texted last night. I know his "tone" via text based on his wording. He was struggling last night. Needing that one parent to just talk to him about his day. I know what this is about, but I didn't let on. He is working this weekend, so he will be home Friday night. We have plans to spend some time together.

This morning, I was awake early. I had some very bizarre dreams. A lot of people in them, it was a whole collage of things, Nothing troubling, but odd dreams. I didn't spend much time analyzing them. Just think my brain was on overload.

D's boyfriend was here to take her to college for the day. He happens to have off, but offered to keep to the Wednesday schedule. I was grateful. He started laughing at me when I grabbed the natural peanut butter, whole grain bread and made a peanut butter sandwich with 3 Benedryl hidden in it and fed it to the dog. He first of all joked I clearly wanted a quiet day to myself. Yah, the dog is now snoring away. LOL. Then he said he sees the dog is spoiled completely. I laughed and said the vet suggested oatmeal baths for her and giving her Benedryl 2 times a day for 3 or 4 days to see if this calms it down before we go stronger. I know how giving her pills goes and she isn't going to fall for the usual. My logic said adding unnatural foods into her diet are probably not a good idea and the natural peanut butter has more oil on the top, so i had my logical reasoning. D's boyfriend isn't buying it, but he likes to kid me anyways. We will see if this helps the dog. She likes her peanut butter sandwich snacks though. LOL.

After feeling shaky yesterday following that epic meltdown, I have given myself permission to not plan my day out. I am going to let it just roll along and be okay if I don't get a stinking thing done. I need a full reboot.

The dancing in the kitchen commenced early - LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #92 on: September 11, 2019, 08:11:34 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
The dancing in the kitchen commenced early - LOL


Here you go.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #93 on: September 12, 2019, 08:14:55 AM »
LOL - UrsaMajor. It might have looked something like that - IDK. LOL

I had a really relaxing day by myself and doing things that really were not enjoyable tasks, but somehow I was okay with it.

I paid all of the bills for the month and actually found myself realizing that I am now down to just having the loan from my parents and my car loan to pay off. I am starting this month with a clean slate for the first time in a very long time - certainly pre MLC. It was not pleasant paying off some of these bills, but the sense of security and relief was huge.

And perhaps, a nod to my friend who wanted me to protect myself. His generosity is allowing me to secure my own future. And Xh's measly support check, if it shows up or not, will not hold me hostage this month. It will still be amusing to see who it is made out to and the like, but it isn't going to rattle me to my core. His control is slipping away at least for the time being.

About midday, I decided to begin tackling the room D used as her bedroom for the past 3 1/2 years, as her ankle injury made it difficult to climb stairs. She moved herself back into her old room right before college started and is still moving things upstairs, but for the most part her thing are out.

It is also the room, FIL took over when he moved in. The original plans were for FIL to get an apartment nearby or for us to build an office in a separate building for Xh with an in-law suite attached. It didn't happen that way, because FIL came earlier than planned and parked himself in that room and was content there because it meant he had someone to cook his meals and such. It was such a mistake all the way around.

That room once was a library/office space. The kids spent hours in that room reading and we had a place to go escape. It was a fantastic little room. And it housed a secret room under the stairs the kids loved. Just a little nook with a book shelf and a beanbag chair. It has been years since the kids have used it. Once FIL moved in, it was off limits.

I began opening the drawers under the book cases, and found FIL's belongings still in there. I sighed and realized Xh, who claimed he had cleaned everything out, hadn't really. I found old medications, and such. I made plans to drop them off at the pharmacy. And some belongings I threw away.

I found letters from the 2nd wife to FIL. Photos of MIL. And then in one drawer, all of FIL's credit cards and a bunch of gift cards. I hesitated, not really knowing what to do with the credit cards. I considered calling to make sure they were cancelled and thought better of it, as I am not listed as a person with any "power", so I just shredded them. I considered giving them to Xh, but it has been over 3 years.

It felt good cleaning out those drawers.

And, then came the book shelves. There are countless books Xh collected. I love books, but Xh went through the collect something and then go onto the next phase and collect something else, in MLC land. I needed to weed out some of the books, as some I have no interest in. But then I came across some that he never opened, just liked to have them on the shelf because of their binding.

One in particular really is intriguing me. It was published in 1906 and is titled "The World's Famous Orations". It is one of a larger collection, it seems, but this one is speeches from 1818-1865 regarding the politics in America. I could have curled up in a chair and read it from cover to cover easily yesterday, but I was on a mission. That book went into the stack of things to keep.

I also found another remnant of "MLC - let's see if this interests me at all" moments and found a collection of baseball cards. I know the one stack is not worth much. There is one card though, that is from way back and that one, I know was highly collectible. Not worth millions, but not exactly a dime store find. So, that went over to my other stack of "hmmm, need to see what I have here".

I made some brutal decisions yesterday and let go of worrying about Xh. There are items I will keep for the kids and others I may pass on to my nieces and nephew. I will give Xh things, like his birth certificate, which he somehow thinks, I guess that I am suppose to hang onto for him. I am done being the store house.

I still haven't gotten rid of the things in my history that are fond moments. I have no need to dispose of my wedding pictures. But, they are not hanging up. They have gone into the box for my children to have if they want them. I am not caressing them, nor did they bring me to tears. I looked at them and muttered "damned fool" in regards to MLC Xh and put them aside.

D was home early and we decided to go get ice cream for dinner. She saw the pile of books and the like and smiled. She said it looked like I had a productive day to myself.

The gift cards my F had, I checked the balances on all of them and all but one have money still on them. I handed them to D and told her to have fun. She wondered where they came from and when I explained, she simply shook her head and said how foolish Xh was. She hesitated and I told her to use the cards for her additional school supplies. She liked that idea.

I think what really sat with me is how clear it is now. Xh couldn't deal with anything. And, I was not allowed to help him nor did he want me going in that room at all. He didn't want to deal with it. To a degree, I get it. But, it is odd to me as he did finally clean out the room, but he left many things behind. I am not sure why certain things were left here and others not. I think it was too much for Xh. Or maybe he didn't care. IDK. I do know that much of his life prior to MLC was abandoned. Some of the items I came across I remember his excitement when he found them. He truly loved that room at one point and all it held.

It would be easy to leave the room the same color and just move things around, but yesterday, I realized I need to change the color and revive the room because not only do I need the mental shift, the kids do too. We need to continue to reclaim this new life we were thrown into. And to not so much erase the memory of Xh, but to soften the edges of MLC Xh's memories, so that we can all move forward.

I don't know if I will stay here forever. My sister is of the mind that I should paint the rooms more neutral, etc to prepare as if I am going to sell it someday. I told her I won't live that way. I have no idea what the future holds for me and maybe someone will enter my life and be okay with the space and not feel like there is the ghost of Xh lurking about. Or maybe it will be a fresh start. Right now, I am not worried about that. I am going to live in what is now essentially my house and not worry about those things like neutral walls.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #94 on: September 13, 2019, 04:42:10 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
But, it is odd to me as he did finally clean out the room, but he left many things behind. I am not sure why certain things were left here and others not. I think it was too much for Xh. Or maybe he didn't care. IDK. I do know that much of his life prior to MLC was abandoned. Some of the items I came across I remember his excitement when he found them.
As with most Engineering things - the simplest answers are usually the best -


for brains...

Actually, NOT giving xH the credit cards was probably a good idea... If he's following his Brother along, then he might have contemplated the ability to get quick cash of a dead guy... for a while...   As for the "gift" cards, well, I hope that D can get what she needs with a bit of fun besides.... Small repayment for all the grief FIL put her through...
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 04:44:39 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #95 on: September 13, 2019, 02:21:47 PM »
UrsaMajor - LOL. Trying to really figure it out is pretty pointless because it doesn't solve anything at least on my end of things. Now, if the MLCer actually took time to pause and ponder the reasons, maybe that would be progress. As that seems like that is not happening anytime soon, cheese for brains is the simplest answer.

I considered the options regarding how to do the right thing with the credit cards and bank cards. I am hoping they are no longer active, but the best solution I came up with was to destroy them. The gift cards don't amount to much, but, I had the same thought that it was a little "gift" in exchange for the grief.

I had work to do last night and found myself exhausted by 9:30 pm. So much so that I went upstairs, and just dropped my clothes at the foot of the bed and crawled into bed. I had left the windows wide open during the day. The clean sheets felt so good and for hours I was sleeping soundly. Around 4 am, the temperature plummeted. I woke up and was shivering, but I didn't want to put any pajamas on, nor did I want to close the windows, as the fresh air was fantastic.

Xh never used to let me sleep with the windows open. He had some fear of catching cold from the cool air. I dug out the extra blankets and decided to crawl into the middle of the bed. I haven't claimed the entire bed since Xh left. I have found myself always on what would have been my side, and I usually surround myself with pillows. I so miss having another person next to me.

And then the odd dream rolled in. Xh crawled into bed with me. He was wanting to reconcile and was getting a bit touchy, feely. I could feel my body tense as if I was very uncertain about what was occurring. Isn't this what I had wanted at one point in time? Now, I was just processing rapidly in my dream. Xh was saying all the right things, but then sure as it did when we actually in RL attempted a reconciliation (it was truly a touch and go looking back) the tables turned quickly. Xh spotted a poster of an event I had been to with someone else and out of his mouth came "how could you go without me. We were always going to do that". In the dream, I started defending myself, saying that he wasn't around, he left and was with OW. Yet, somehow he kept spinning it to where I was finding myself more and more confused, until I pushed him not only away, out of my bed, but completely out of my dream.

I woke up briefly and felt a few stray tears escape as, I found myself angry for feeling I had to defend myself in this dream.

I am not upset about the overall dream and it being about Xh. It was more a feeling of I have no reason to be ashamed of how I have behaved. He left and threw our lives into turmoil. I have done things that perhaps were out of my normal comfort zone. I have learned a great deal about myself and what my wants and needs are. I have no shame in the way I have conducted myself and if there are people who might judge me then I will simply say that is their prerogative. I know my truth and my core character.

In many ways, when I woke up this morning, the dream was actually a good thing. It somehow reignited my desire not to be a victim of circumstances. I am in charge of my own happiness and choices. Good. Bad. And, any consequences that come my way due to my actions. How I react is on me. Life is going to throw curve balls my way. That is a given in most of our lives at times.

I went to class this morning and it seemed to be a theme that was in the air. I stayed late to help some students a couple of them started a discussion about being accountable for themselves. In the door walked D. She has been doing a remarkable job of this as of late. She had said this morning on the way to school that making herself more accountable for her own actions and life is really empowering her. She has been quietly writing in a journal (I don't know where she gets it  ::) ) and making notes about gratitude. She has been in a much better place so far this semester. She complained to me about a professor and I just listened. I know the professor and while I didn't tell D, I happen to know this woman is on the chopping block for past behaviors of a similar nature. But, it is D's problem to solve. And solve it, D did. She came to me and informed me she was unhappy with the instructor, (for valid reasons) and dropped that class, and promptly signed up for a different section, without my help or input. She was proud of herself for making it happen.

When students took a break at the midway point and I popped in to see the philosophy professor. He had a migraine the other day and he was genuinely surprised I remembered and asked how he was feeling. Students were passing by and overheard the conversation he and I were having. It revolved around those artists who work with the concept of their work and impermanence - ie - Banksy's graffiti which is not meant to remain on the surfaces and a variety of environmental artists whose works deteriorate back into the earth, as if to be an offering. The conversation was about people wanting to preserve the works for history and in museums and how it in fact goes against the artists' intent.

When I returned to class, one of my students apologized having "eavesdropped" and asked if we were going to have conversations like that one. I laughed and said that I wasn't opposed to it and did they want to have those types of discussions or were they officially terrified. They agreed that they liked the idea of having these conversations from time to time.

D's class ended early and she was sitting in on my class. She smiled as the last student was leaving and proclaimed I seem happy lately. In many ways I am. I miss aspects of my former life and desire certain things again, but after that dream this morning, it is pretty clear that my encounters with my Xh, even via text still make me very uncomfortable.

My weekend plan is to continue my quest to remove more of the MLC cobwebs lingering in my life.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 02:49:44 PM by MourningDove »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #96 on: September 16, 2019, 06:34:05 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
My weekend plan is to continue my quest to remove more of the MLC cobwebs lingering in my life.

By the way, that was SWISS cheese for brains.....


Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #97 on: September 16, 2019, 08:54:37 AM »
UrsaMajor - LOL. Okay, I admit it - I did miss that Swiss part of that quote. Then again, who am I to insult the Swiss?

I spent time with both kids this weekend running countless errands. I did not get to my plans of really attacking some of the things I wanted, but this week opened up a bit when D is in classes. I had some appointments that moved to the following week due to conflicts in other's schedules. So, I am grateful for that "gift". It frees up my week and next week works out better in the long run.

D needed things for college and wanted to get some driving practice in. It is getting easier, as she is improving significantly. i realize how spoiled I was when S learned to drive. He sat on my F's lap as a kid and learned how to steer the tractor when he was about 2. From then on, he was always driving and when he went to work for the farmers, by his own choice Xh and I mandated that he take a tractor safety course. So, by the time, S was at the age to drive, he had really good skills that carried over. D has never really had that interest and Xh's 3 driving lessons in MLC mode were a disaster. S has taken her out a handful of times since then and remarked Xh made D very skittish. So, the first few times I took her out, I was very nervous and that is not like me.

She ended up driving all day and I even pushed her to go into heavy traffic up by the mall, which on a Saturday is a potentially unnerving experience. She did well and I felt like we turned a page and she will feel more confident, but not cocky, which is good.

That said, errands all day on Saturday were not what I wanted to be doing. LOL

Yesterday, I got roped into going to a fund raiser with my M. It was fun, but messed up my morning more than I would have liked. By the time I came home, S was back from work and asked if we could get his new phone. His broke and cannot be repaired. He uses it for work and for school as a computer quite often. And, in reality, I want a working phone for him because of the nature of his work. Luckily, S just wants basic, functioning phone and didn't need the latest and greatest model or a fancy case, etc. When I ended up paying for it, S protested.

On the way home, I could feel my blood starting to boil a bit though. S wanted to discuss last weekend and the parade. I had said I honestly would have gone to the parade to see S in the car, but I didn't want to add more stress. S mentioned to me that he was upset with Xh. As I anticipated, S got a "text beat down" the night before when Xh went at him about bringing my F along. S told Xh that my F and Xh were adults and he was not going to uninvite my F just because Xh was being a baby about it.

Then out came the nugget that just about threw me into calling Xh and just asking him when he would like to schedule a court date, because I was beyond aggravated. Seems Xh is selling that I don't contribute to the kids' college at all. He has taken out loans and so on and so forth. And, he told his B that he shouldn't give D and S anymore money because I am not paying a thing. Yah, basically he is in pure victim mode.

Later mentioned by S as well, who laughed and said that "by the way, dad was not too happy you didn't answer him" S said he didn't see the texts, but he was pretty sure I had no reason to respond to them.

I was out walking and thinking about how I was going to respond to Xh's BS, when I realized this is all because he isn't getting a rise out of me the same way. I calmed down and I just don't care. I don't want his brand of drama.

I am going to make this work no matter what Xh does. He can play those games. Fine. If BIL doesn't want to go against XH, fine. If he doesn't want to call me and ask, fine. I never expected BIL to help D and S. It has never been something I asked for, nor did I have that expectation that it would continue. I am not going to play this game of "he said this and I did that" because that is exactly what Xh wants me to do.

Funny thing is the truth of the matter is I don't have to take out a loan to help the kids. I have actually budgeted well enough that it isn't necessary this semester. So my contribution is not any of Xh's business.

I laughed a bit when it seems Xh drove his MG to work the other day and proceeded to hit the gas pedal instead of the brake and ran it into a gravel pile. Didn't hurt the car over all, but I guess the fancy paint job got marred. Karma sucks.  ::)  I know - book my ticket to Hades.  ;D

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #98 on: September 16, 2019, 09:49:05 AM »
Ah, I'm in Hades with you bc I smirked at the car damage  :-[
Although presumably your xh has told people you piled up the gravel ???  :)

Yup, stay away from the crazy folks or folks who want to play with the crazy folks, Mourning. Best thing to do. Those who know and value you know you...let the rest think whatever they wish bc you have done nothing to feel ashamed about. (Well, other than that gravel pile lol)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #99 on: September 16, 2019, 09:30:38 PM »
Not surprised you had weird dreams Mourning, it was Friday 13th and a full moon.  I had a dream my daughter had a baby and was managing very well. Maybe the baby was xH ;D ;D

I agree with Treasur, stay away from the crazy people!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #100 on: September 16, 2019, 11:55:55 PM »
Dove,

<whackity whack whack>

You know bloody darn well that BIL and D have very good communications. You know bloody darn well that if BIL asks D, he will get the low-down. You know bloody well that BIL knows what xH's game is.... .So shut off the BIL Monkeys.... Because that is just not going to happen.... IF BIL DID have those concerns, he'd talk to you, right? BIL has xH's number and he has done the work he needed to do while xH is off rolling in the FOO Poo.....  and, last time I looked or heard, BIL was an adult and could make his own choices, make his own decisions.... and was NOT looking to that pillar of stability xH for ANY form of guidance....

</whackity whack whack>

Better save a few more seats on that Hades bus... My thought was that it was a very small and distant sighting of the Karma Bus that it was only a pile of gravel and not a pile of rocks...

And, S confirmed what you already knew... You didn't react to xH's bait so now he's lost his rag and trying other tactics.... which aren't going to work either... at some point, he'll do this.....


If he is spending SO much time and energy focusing on you, you can be pretty much assured that all is NOT well in Schmoopieland....

I also LOVED S's response that he wasn't going to uninvite his Grandfather just because xH was being a twatwaffle about it... xH is getting pushback from all sides now... THAT won't go over well in wannabe-FIL-land....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #101 on: September 17, 2019, 12:21:14 AM »
I agree with UM about your BiL/SiL fwiw. Their consistent track record with you and your kids, especially your daughter, says so. Seems to me they have always walked the fine line of not feeding the monkeys but also not denying or justifying their existence and simply trying to find practical ways to offset the damage if they can. Your thoughts are more likely to be old MLC residue than reality imho.  If that changes? Well as you say, you will be ok too.  :)

And yes....with time, everybody's responses to xh's behaviour has evolved, including your son, while xh is stuck with the same playbook. But it doesn't work anymore does it? Oh dear. I guess he will keep doing same old same old until he either gets distracted by a different game altogether or realises he needs a new playbook. His circus, his monkeys though right?
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 12:22:48 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #102 on: September 17, 2019, 12:15:36 PM »
Treasur & UrsaMajor - do you prefer to sit in the front of the bus or the back of the bus? I will make sure we have proper seating - LOL

Yah, I am enjoying that whole gravel event too much.  ::)

Savoir Faire - I think blaming the full moon and the date are a good idea. LOL.

So, I came into the college early with D and parked myself in the cafeteria. This time, it was not a dweeb, but a woman who plopped down behind me at a table. Why right behind me is beyond me, as the whole place is open. Well, she felt the need to start talking on her cellphone. I had to get up and move. It takes a lot for me to get angry, but I could feel my blood start to boil.

Now let me preface what I am about to say by clarifying. I do not view all OW as the same type. That is, I think there are situations that are not clear cut and are perhaps complicated. LBS that date and are still married because of financial reasons, etc. OP that don't realize the person they date is married. Whatever. That is not my place to judge those morals. The difference for me at least, or where I have no patience is for a clear cut, OP who is on a mission to go after someone and claim them as their own. And if I don't know the whole story, I am not going to be quick to judge.

I wouldn't have even paid any attention or would not have passed judgement until the conversation this woman was having made it very clear that she was going after a married man. Her insistence that she "wanted him", was "going to win" and "he will leave his wife and kids for me" started to make me bristle. When she threw in "I have been praying and I believe it is God's will. This man is being placed in my life because I deserve better".

Wow. Really? Yah, sure. Had I heard that conversation when I was in the thick of my own now Xh having an affair, I think I might have been driven to a different reaction - and not one I would be proud of. Instead, I got up shot her a nasty glance and moved away.

Xh's OW used that argument on Xh and it was God's will. Hmmm, I have a hard time believing that, considering Xh was still living at home and we were still a family.

It is not all on OW. My MLC Xh believed it. He wanted to believe it.

I think what struck me the most about this was not only using God as her excuse, but this woman was actually bragging about the situation, like it was some sense of accomplishment. And, I guess for myself, I have had a hard enough time wrestling, especially when I was first divorced, the idea I was somehow cheating on my Xh if I moved on.

But, I have shaken that off and it is not my judgment to make. She will have to deal with her own consequences of her actions. I have other things to fill my time and her drama is her own. Good luck with that.

As for the BIL situation, there seems to be a very strange thing going on. D has not heard from them since the end of August. That is unusual. There was some tension before D came home from this particular trip. She felt like BIL was putting pressure on her to reach out to Xh and to be the bigger person.

BIL and I had a discussion and I actually was pretty clear on how much I disagreed with him on that point. He was concerned about Xh and his mental well being. I told him I cared about Xh in that regard, I am not a monster. BIL is desperate to get Xh to get help and he expressed that he felt D was the only one who can push that with Xh. I was pretty upset with BIL and told him that I would not be putting that on D, and I in fact said while that may be true, it is not D's responsibility to get Xh to get help. I am opposed to putting that type of pressure on D and I felt it was an unfair expectation. I did say that if Xh reaches out and makes some attempts or asks for help, I would support that effort. It is not for me, but I do want Xh to get better for his own sake and the kid's sake.

It could be that they are very busy. I know BIL was traveling a great deal for work and SIL had been sick. I am hoping that it is due to some "every day" type thing and not because of some wall or some falsehood that has been told. D and discussed it on the way over to the college today. . She is going to reach out to them, but she is clearly a bit upset about the pressure she may get from her aunt and uncle about spending time with Xh.

All I can do is to be supportive where I can be. If for some reason Xh has somehow persuaded BIL and SIL of some nonsense or they have been told not to give D money, etc then so be it. I am not in relationships for any type of gain, nor are my children. I do not dictate who should and shouldn't help my kids if they make that decision, it is their choice.

This is not really bothering me in the least. It is going to be what it is going to be. I am embracing what I can in terms of simple things. D drove in to college today and there was a vast improvement.

Earlier this morning I had my high school classes. I started the morning off with a very funny event. Out of the blue one of my students, whose B I had a couple of years ago, called me over. He said he wanted to ask me a question, but he was worried I would get really mad at him. I assured him that the only time I might get mad is if he hadn't been paying attention at all or did something really stupid - like threw a pair of scissors, etc. So, I told him that he could ask, but I reserved the right to not answer if it was something I didn't really want to answer. He decided that it was worth asking.

Out came the question, which made me pause, then laugh as it all fell together. I stopped the class and told them to listen up as I repeated what he asked me and this was the only time I would answer this question. I turned to him and said I was not mad at him, but I might track his B down at college and give him what for (he now goes to classes at the college where I teach) - that got a chuckle out of the kid.

The kid started by asking if I had a daughter. I said yes, and to go on because clearly there was more to this question. He chose his next words very carefully and said "I hear she is really easy on the eyes". I shook my head and laughed. I went to my phone, found D's picture - with her big B and said to the young man, that yes, I did have a D, who was 19 and a very protective big B who comes with a posse of protective friends.

I then said to the kid, I realized how this all came up. I recounted to the class the story of how his older B egged on a friend to try and friend D on Facebook and how it did not end well, as D came home and had an epic rant how this random guy tried to friend her and she doesn't just let people into her world. The next day the kid was shocked when he said D did not accept his friend request. That was when my coworker worked in the same room with me and said to the kid that D was a smart girl.

One of my favorite students from last year is taking another class with me and she scares the kids with her ability to slice people to bits with a look when she is annoyed. She is actually very sweet, but doesn't put up with BS. I told the students that D's look - the death stare rivals this young woman's and she smiled at me, full well knowing it was a compliment.

After class, I sought out my coworker. I needed someone to help me with a tech problem and our IT person was out of the building, again. My coworker is proficient in this particular software and I knew he could probably show me in 5 minutes what I needed to know.

He was tutoring one of my students, who also took another class from me last year. This student is a great kid, but craves attention and can be a handful. Today, he had asked if he could put his headphones on and work. I had decided I was okay with allowing this to see if it made a difference with the kid. He worked all class period without interruption. This particular student is another music junkie and he has very odd tastes for his age group. Today he informed me he was listening to Darius Rucker and I asked him if it was the country side or Hootie and the Blowfish. He thought I was joking and googled it. He was excited to learn something new and shared with my coworker, who started laughing, as he is a bigger music nerd than I am.

When I said that I owed him big time, he commented coffee would be appreciated. The student overheard and said he likes coffee and I should bring him some. I was quick to answer and he was shocked at the response. I told him that first of all I don't share my coffee with just anyone, and I am a coffee snob. He wanted clarification on that and my coworker laughed telling him that I go all out - fresh ground and french press. The kid laughed and said he has never had coffee made that way. When I continued and told the student if he kept working the way he did this morning that I may some day come in with coffee for him as well. He thought I was kidding and my coworker said that no, I make good on promises like that.

On my way out the door my coworker and I talked about those moments that make it worthwhile in a classroom. That one kid who suddenly discovers that little spark of passion for something. And I had a couple of those moments today when I witnessed some small successes amongst my students. Those moments I would like to bottle up and save like some magic potion.

It makes it much easier to hold onto those moments and just walk away from toxic situations and not engaging in the drama. Not my battle to participate in.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 12:25:36 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #103 on: September 18, 2019, 08:28:36 AM »
Last night, I was home later than I anticipated because I stayed to help a student. D had dinner figured out and waiting for me. She was so proud of herself.

I checked the home phone for messages and there was one from my neighbors. I know they are getting ready to go on one of their vacations, as they travel from September until about April now that they are retired. I thought it was just to let me know when they were gone, and if anyone will be staying at their house, etc. But they said to give them a call when I got a chance.

I placed the call and they wanted to know if I could pop in with D. We ended up going to their house and they asked D how school was going. She was so happy to talk about chemistry class with my neighbor, who retired from a career in science. They had a great time. Then the husband and wife said that they wanted to let me know that they had decided to continue giving both kids money towards their education. I thought D was going to cry when they said that they are so proud of both kids and because they can afford to do it, they wanted to help how they could.

On the way home, D teared up and said she is so grateful for her support system. She said it was not about the money, which of course is helpful, but it was the fact that these people who take an interest. They made it very clear that if D or S needed anything to just ask. They told D that I was like a daughter to them, because they have known me for over 40 years and see me more than their own daughter.

I came home and felt a bit overwhelmed by that thought. I know how fortunate I am. I know that by pushing those toxic people that were in my life, I have seen the people who have always much been there in a much clearer light. They have always been there, but maybe I didn't appreciate them the same way.

And unlike MLC Xh, there were no strings or conditions put on this money. They did not demand access to grades, or anything else.

D said she was going to make more efforts to stop by when she walks the dog to check on them. She said she realized that the husband lit up with pure excitement when she asked him chemistry questions. And, that was pretty astute of her to see. He had polio as a child and is suffering from the long term effects now that he is aging. He cannot do nearly as much as he did, and he was once very active. She would not have known that he has actually been depressed this summer. Her interest in what he did for a living and feeling like he was needed or still had something to offer the world was huge. D didn't realize she gave him something in return - her time and interest.

I got a text midday from my M that when D came home from college that she had gone up to check on my parents. She had stopped on her way home and picked up my F's favorite licorice and bought my M flowers, just because. I asked D what the occasion was and she said she wanted to let people know she appreciates all that they do for her.

I am finding that this change in college has created a noticeable difference in D. She has been journaling and said to me that she is working on personal accountability - that is, she is not going to be a victim. She said to me last night that she was dealt a raw deal and it hurts, but by the same token, she is in control of her future. The funny thing is, it is not that I see all that much. We have time together, but we are both pretty busy.

This morning, it is off to get new tires and brakes on my car. I opened up the rest of my afternoon to try and keep to my no work Wednesdays, although I have some computer work to do to stay on top of things.

I am meeting "M" tonight and we are going to figure drawing. She had forgotten, but was all for going. I also told my independent study student about the figure drawing group. She and 2 of my former students are going to carpool. I laughed and said that I might regret this, as it opens up my life a bit more than I like, but it is okay. I have decided it is fun to share my passions and show students where they can nurture their own spark.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #104 on: September 18, 2019, 09:55:54 AM »
Geez Dove,

You could have at least warned us that this was going to be one of those "Have a Hanky Ready" posts.....

So, you and D had a visit from the Karma Bus.... You see, it DOES work both ways. We may not see the Mid-Lifer get run over but, if when we get our noses away from the tree, we can see the GOOD side of the bus making a stop on our doorstep.....

Good people surround themselves with good people just as much as broken attracts broken.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #105 on: September 18, 2019, 02:57:47 PM »
Sorry UrsaMajor - I should have warned you ahead of time that was coming. LOL. And I had plenty of opportunity to do so - my bad.  ;)

I suppose the universe has a way, if we pay attention to help us balance things out and keep perspective.

I knew I was facing a $1000 bill at the dealership today. I had prepared myself for that and it is due to all of the miles I have put on when D was in college last year, etc. I knew the maintenance is a necessary evil and S is way too busy to deal with things like brakes, etc. So, when I had my new tires put on, I had them deal with the brakes and such. They laughed at me when I took a stab at the amount I owed and all I asked was if it was significantly more than that amount to bring me a stiff drink with it. I was within $20 of my estimate, so I didn't choke when the bill came. And in truth, it was nothing wrong with the car, just general maintenance that hit at once.

I have a check ready for property taxes and have paid off all of my bills for the month and then some ahead of schedule. I am really in pretty good shape - all without the aggravation of that support check. D had to go on my health insurance and S's new phone upped that bill. Somehow, with all of my budgeting, I managed and no one is going without food. So they why did I feel some odd guilt when Xh's check showed up today and instead of depositing it, I cashed it. It was a whim when the teller was new and she started to question it. It wasn't her fault, she was doing her job and the manager came over and joked "oh, who are we this time". The teller was given the scoop and told how to deal with it. She laughed nervously and said she was sorry. I told her not to be, this is just a normal thing. It got under my skin a bit and so, I decided after all of the money I have put out and had to fight for, I would put some in both kids accounts and the rest, I was going to use on myself.

But for me that is not an easy thing. I have learned I have serious guilt at times about spending on myself. I put myself to the bottom so many times and it was never an issue in terms of I didn't resent it. But, there have been times I have not allowed myself to spend on something or go on vacations because of practical things that were needed or maybe the family needed something.

I stopped on my way home to get a cup of coffee. There is a mall on the way home and they have a fantastic coffee shop tucked in the corner. Not a chain, a true coffee shop. I walked around with my coffee and spotted a jacket that I really loved and it was sueded like material. It was so incredibly soft and a color I love. It was on sale and I still hesitated. I have to ask myself why when I am always so careful. What was wrong with splurging.

And, I realized that in part that I am having guilt because this money is "support money". The irony is, I have been paying out of pocket for everything for the most part to "support the kids" minus what the kids help out with. Xh's games have in fact made my life miserable at times in terms of the argument over the money. I have never taken that money and used it on something that benefited me beyond paying the bills.

I really had to convince myself that it was okay to use some of this because in reality, I already took care of the necessities and that check was supposed to be to me by the first of the month. The month is almost over.

This was really a huge dilemma in my own mind.

I bought it and worked my way through it. The rest of the cash is in my wallet and I didn't rip through the entire amount. I decided it is okay to leave it there, considering I am in good shape and I get paid from the college anyways this week. It is not like I am somehow stealing it.

I think, I am having trouble because I know people who use their kid's support money like it is theirs. It seems like a slap in the face to those x-spouses who do the right thing and pay their support and can't control what their X does with it. I was never going to be that person. So, it seemed a bit hypocritical.

When I came through the door there was a text from D. She asked me to shoot her a picture of something she had left behind at home - some notes for her class.

Then the poor dog came around the corner and greeted me. She looked so sad, as her skin was so itchy, she started a new area where she has scratched herself raw. I took one look at her and knew I had to just stop what I was going to do and give her a bath. She is not a fan of baths in the tub, as her arthritis makes it tough to get in and out, but she willingly jumped in the tub today. I spent a good half and hour just massaging her skin and brushing her. I was concerned it was maybe fleas, although she has been treated, but I know for sure now it is allergies from the ragweed.

As I scrubbed her, I felt that bit of guilt leave me. Xh left me with a dog that needs things and 2 kids. He doesn't help, he hinders things more often than not. And, I let go of my aggravation with Xh as well. It doesn't matter because it is the way things are. I cannot change it and slap him into reality. I have to embrace the positives.

Now, my kids will never know this, because I am not a fan of the dog licking my face. I know that some people love that their dog gives them kisses. Doesn't mean I love my dog any less, just prefer human kisses. Sorry - LOL. But, today when clearly she was grateful for that afternoon bath I didn't protest when she felt the need to give me "puppy kisses". I promptly washed my face - LOL.

I am off to go have my fun at figure drawing. I will feel no guilt about spending $7 for that and yes, technically, it is from the money from Xh. LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #106 on: September 19, 2019, 03:32:58 AM »
Actually, consider it that you had already forked out the money in advance so you were NOT spending it on you at all. You were repaying xH's interest-free loan that you gave him.....


$1000.00 for car maintenance is a real stinger but it is, unfortunately, necessary, especially if we wish to continue driving.. Besides, D is now learning to drive so making sure that everything is in good shape is only smart business....

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #107 on: September 25, 2019, 08:45:16 AM »
UrsaMajor - my dog is a bit more exuberant than that - and considerably larger.  ;D

I believe I am being tested a bit at the moment. There had been a very bad accident at the end of the road, and the vehicles ended up in my yard. It involved one of the farm workers being thrown out of the back windshield after being hit by a construction vehicle. I was not home at the time and if I had been, I think I would not be dealing with it the same way. I would have been very shook up. The farmer is in bad shape, having to be airlifted.

There is a mark in the yard where he landed and the tell tale signs of the accident scattered about the front of the property. My first thought was thank goodness he didn't have his children in the cab of that tractor with him. Although he only allows that once in awhile in the fields, never in the road.

Now, I have found myself in the middle of a very messy insurance situation. The construction company coming to "clean up" and it was pretty evident I am supposed to be a stupid female and not know things. I realized the way things have been presented to me are really making me dig my heels in at a different level. I am not sure it is bad.

The test for me is trying to calm my mind. This weekend, I tried to let it go, knowing I couldn't address it until Monday, but I was finding out some of the moving parts and who was involved and it was in the back of my mind. I know the driver of the truck and he is a hot head. I know the farm worker, from just encounters and he is the first to slow down when he sees me with the dog to make sure she is not frightened when the tractor passes. I knew already on the weekend that I am going to be in the middle of a potentially "interesting situation" and this has little to do with my row of shrubs being obliterated. This is about the hazardous materials that are seeping into the ground and knowing there was going to be a lot of CYA going on.

I made the decision to just let the insurance company deal with it, but I have had knocks at the door from the DEC and adjusters from the various companies. I encountered the construction company workers doing a clean up on a site that is still part of an active investigation. I was greeted by them with the tell tale "you are a female, what do you know" tone. I don't usually let that get to me, but this really hit a nerve.

It is residual from FIL. Growing up I was never exposed to that mentality. I was taught to respect people's abilities no matter what gender they might be. I knew plenty of men who could cook and women who could change their oil. FIL was the first to really treat me like I should know where my place was as a woman. I have been exposed to a lot of things that are not traditional "female" knowledge. Just enough to make me dangerous - LOL.

The construction workers were telling me that there wasn't much fuel in the ground and that was all that was lost. Really? Hmmm. The estimate they gave me was 2 gallons. Yah, that would be an estimate that they gave the DEC too. The DEC hadn't been there yet, inspite of what they indicated. Uh huh. I can play stupid female, really well. I heard the fuel was from the tractor from these guys. Uh huh. Seeing as how the tractor stood straight up and the truck was on it's side, right there, that alone has me thinking sure. But, I also wasn't going to tell them that I know they run different diesel in tractors than in their fancy trucks, which have a different chemical make up. Easy enough for someone to test. And my S, who they thought was just some baby faced kid taking pictures for FB was also getting close ups and low and behold there was a picture of a puncture to their gas tank. But, okay, I will play along and bat my eyelashes, which is not my normal - if I don't know, I will ask. But, I know it is best to play this part and not challenge this crew at least in person.

When I saw the DEC he wanted to know if I wanted to keep my sand. I laughed and said that would be from the truck. I am pretty sure the DEC agent's eyebrows gave me a pretty good indication of the construction company is in deep doo doo. They neglected to mention that. And the threshold for major clean up is 5 gallons of fuel. The DEC was out there taking soil samples. And, oh, when I pointed out the hydraulic fluid, and antifreeze I got the same eyebrow move and notes scribbled down.

The thing is, this is a hard line for me. I am trying to be true to myself, but being treated like a stupid female brings up some feelings I am not liking. XH joined in with FIL and that was pure MLC behavior. And at one point I started to buy into it and felt pretty stupid at times. And I don't have a need to be a know it all or out to prove something. I like some of the traditional male/female roles, or at least I am not somehow offended by them. But, if no man is around, I may have to solve that problem now.

My reaction is to be very stubborn and I am now in "don't F with me" territory. I worried it was me starting to become hardened. It is a protective response for sure.

On the flip side, it is me being able to prove to myself I can do this. I am fortunate that I have people who are just there settling my mind without even knowing they are. There is security coming in places even I didn't expect and it might be in just a simple exchange of laughter.

I got my answer about being hardened when I found myself being approached by one of my colleagues at the high school. I have a student who comes in my room every morning before class. He doesn't like crowds. He keeps to himself, but he finds some sense of security in my room. I found out he has serious trust issues. He is a brilliant young man and comes to school, does his work. What was revealed to me was he has been shipped to multiple schools because of his home situation. From what I know he lives with his sister, who is not much older than he is, but he was homeless up until 2 weeks ago. It explains a great deal. The colleague mentioned that the young man has opened up that he loves photography. I can work with that.

The young man came into class and we didn't discuss it there. He was concerned he didn't have his computer and needed to track down the person holding it for him, as he is not allowed right now to take it home due to the situation at home - the unstable environment where they are concerned it will be stolen and sold by someone in his environment. The young man actually made this request. He is very respectful. Somewhere he has learned that skill. After classes ended he was sitting with the colleague I spoke to, and they were working on tutoring. He asked my colleague if he could stop me before I left.

He asked if it was okay if he used one of his own photos for the first project. I know my reaction was one of "thank goodness, there is at least someone who wants to do something other than SpongeBob drawings". He laughed at it. I told him that I would never discourage that type of desire - to expand their creativity. He got animated and was really excited. I could see the colleague smiling out of the corner of my eye. This kid has not shown too many emotions aside from just coming in and flying below the radar. He does his work, but he tries to blend in.

He then panicked because he does share a camera with his sister, but he has his own SD card. Then he started to realize he may not have that anymore either. He clearly was starting to go to defeat and I stopped him and said I had a deal for him. He had to come to school first of all (he misses at least one day a week, but his work is always done - I believe in part is he is afraid of getting too attached to the school and the staff, etc). I told him I would clean off one of my SD cards and give it to him if he can't find his, but he would have to come in with pictures on it. He thought I was kidding. I said it was not a gimme - he was going to have to earn it and I was okay with that trade. The colleague was cracking up. He asked the young man if he heard all that he was agreeing to - to which he repeated "show up to school and fill that card up - got it" and he looked at me and said "deal, but I am really going to see if I can find my card too".

I walked out the door and wanted to cry. I can't fix this. I can only give that kid a tool for his toolbox and hope he learns a skill that will benefit him somehow in a positive manner.

So, I guess I am still a softie when I need to be. I came home and had to turn on the strong female role and that bit of stubbornness to not be pushed around. And, I am not looking for a pristine lawn.

I am not terribly stressed by all of this. It is more along the lines of trying to accept that this is just life and "normal" events that we all have to deal with. It is 1000 times better than MLC BS.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 08:55:05 AM by MourningDove »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #108 on: September 26, 2019, 02:42:43 AM »
Oh boy.... the Construction Company is in DEEP poo..... From all sides....

Here comes da Dove!

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #109 on: September 26, 2019, 04:04:19 AM »
Wow Dove, you've changed!  Is that a recent picture of you?  ;D ;D

Those insurance assessors/clean-up guys should be afraid, very afraid ;D

Reminds me of the first months with xH.  His mother and sisters are TOTALLY useless when it comes to practical things.  Always need a man to rescue them or pay someone to come and fix things most people could easily cope with.

XH owned an apartment and one day, I came home from work to find the kitchen tap doing more than dripping, it was a steady stream.  After I tested to see if it had been left on, I knew it was a washer problem and the previous owner had left a washer - both for hot and cold under the sink.  I get a wrench out of the tool cupboard and proceeded to change the washer.  XH arrived home about 30 minutes later with a washer ;)  All good, except the tap was no loner dripping.  He asked what happened and I told him I'd fixed it.  He thought I was lying to him and had phoned a plumber!! He even made me tell HOW I'd done it.  After I explained, he never questioned my talent again ;D  I suppose when you ARE brought up with stupid women, you expect all the others to be the same, not this gal.  Years later I visited my SIL and BIL had phoned a plumber to re-ignite the gas hot water service pilot light, as a freak breeze blew it out. I fixed it in seconds.  My BIL was such a total waste of space when it came to fixing stuff, an embarrassment to most men. Lucky he is rich enough to make phone calls to anyone he chooses when things go wrong.  I Should have charged him while I had the chance. 

So, I know how you feel about being treated like a 'stupid woman'.  Let's leave that honor to the ow's, shall we ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #110 on: September 26, 2019, 04:27:32 AM »
Not sure it is just a woman thing.
My xh's father had a basement of very expensive tools...but would call in a man to hang a picture. Literally a single picture.
Unsurprisingly my former h had no DIY skills and found even my own limited range a bit surprising  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #111 on: September 27, 2019, 03:49:46 PM »
UrsaMajor, Savoir Faire & Treasur -

LOL. Hmmm, maybe for Halloween I could rock that look. I am going at it from a slightly different approach. Sort of the quiet, under the radar don't EFF with me. As in, just making sure I have a handle on what is really going on and using the right authorities to deal with this. But, I am not going to just let it go. My insurance company said they typically don't send the DEC out to do soil samples on an accident that small unless something is triggering them to do so. The agent said the origin of the load they were carrying is in fact part of the issue, as it may have toxins itself in it.  :o

The fact that the same company was involved in another accident yesterday doesn't bode well for them. And the sheriff was at the house talking to me to tell me they have multiple charges coming their way.

I think what I was trying to actually get across was I was raised not to assume that just because someone is male or female does not necessarily make me think one thing or another. I know for instance, my BIL is a man who can fill a doorway. He played American football and can fill a doorway. He is a brilliant man, but he is not wired to understand mechanical things. He is a finance guy. He can manage to learn some household repairs, etc, but it is not his strength.

The point I was making was my FIL was a flat out chauvinist, and that is not something I respond well to. He was very much a man who believed women should be popping out kids and had their "place" and any man that stayed home and raised kids must have something wrong with him. It was not a concept I was ever exposed to in my family, at least not with my parents or either set of grandparents. They were all about team work.

That said, I am not attracted to men that don't like to sweat once in a while. The guy who comes home from the office and chills can be a great person, but I am not going to look twice. I am big enough to admit it. Break a sweat in the kitchen, whatever, that is at least more active. I am not the sit around at the country club type of gal, at least not on a regular basis. I have done my time in the world of black tie affairs. Once in awhile, great. Not on my list of desired weekend events any longer.

I met with the one landscaper to assess the corner of my property. It is not a little clean up job. The entire corner is going to have to be dug out to where the fuel stops and all of the corner shrubs removed and replaced. I needed to cut them back and the like, but didn't plan on removing all of them. They are absolutely beyond saving.

In the meantime, I found out that the insurance company, whose name the construction company gave the police is not the insurance company that is really who they use now. There is some odd things going on. I am accepting that this is going to be one of those life situations where I may be fighting for awhile to get just the soil removed.

I am not freaking out over any of this. I am just shaking my head and thinking that Xh in MLC would have gone completely off the rails and been screaming at the construction company by now. He became so volatile in his reactions.

I was bummed about the shrubs because they have given me so much privacy and while they needed to be seriously pruned back, I suddenly realized in some ways it is more of being able to start fresh. While the landscaper was there, I said I needed his opinion on another tree. I laughed when what came out of his mouth was that it was going to get to be too big for the location and that those trees are notoriously messy as it is. I smiled and said to add that to a separate quote. That tree is going. I have always hated it and it was a tree FIL and XH planted and when I stated it was too close to the road, I was told to shut up and I didn't know anything basically. Hmmm, what that the tree was going to get bigger and the rule is 17 ft from the center line is the standard. This one sits closer to 10 ft and it is going to get bigger. What do I know - LOL  ::) Who knows, I may take it down this weekend  ;D

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #112 on: September 27, 2019, 05:32:41 PM »
MD - can  I borrow your chainsaw when you're done?

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #113 on: September 27, 2019, 06:25:47 PM »
stillbaffled - LOL - well, I won't ever profess to wielding a chainsaw, although there are several in the garage. My chainsaws come with a 21 year old S who is more than willing to cut down things. And if I am lucky, his friends like to play along and might actually split the wood, etc. The deal is I buy them all pizza and wings or subs. They like road trips, so I am sure they would consider that option. And if you still have a combine, they know how to operate those as well, it seems. LOL

S came home from college tonight with his roommate in tow. S was pretty excited about having been able to participate in an event at the college where high school students competed. He was appointed as one of the assistants in instruction. He really enjoyed the whole experience.

D was excited to share with him that she was offered a job today completely out of the blue. D had come with me to the gallery for the afternoon and walked down to get me a coffee. On her way back she popped into a bakery/candy store and was going to surprise me with truffles. The owner asked her a couple of questions and apparently D said right away the woman knew who I was. I have met her professionally, as the gallery does business with her. I on occasion have gone there, but sporadically. Last time I was in there was back in early summer picking up some items for my boss. D said that the woman said D really impressed her and told her to bring a resume in, if D wanted a job. D ran back up to the gallery and printed out a cover letter and resume. She promptly returned and the woman was bowled over. She needs to call in her partner, but if D can work with their schedule she may be able to work a little. She is really excited.

I need D to work. On the one hand, having her home has been a good thing for her and there are positives. That said, there are a couple of things that have reappeared and that are MLC related triggers with being home. It started a couple of weeks ago, but last weekend it was very noticeable. It is a separation anxiety type trigger.

Last weekend, I had plans all weekend with someone and had told both kids to simply pretend I was out of town. S knew that I was saying that in other words, I would be available, but not to somehow hold me to some schedule. It was not a "don't bother me" but more of a don't worry about me. Both kids were fine with it. They were happy I was going to have time away and were happy with my choice of company.

But, suddenly D's anxiety was up last weekend, in part due to Xh's decision to send her a passive-aggressive text. Stupid MLC guilt trip. She kept calling and checking on me about where I was, what time I would be home. She was calling about all sorts of things. It was not an easy thing at times having to deal with her. I was home every night - I didn't stay away. I came home when S requested I stop by to assess the damage from the accident.

Friday night set her off. She had a trigger because Xh would go out on Fridays and not call. Come home in the wee hours, or the next day.

When she was away at college, I didn't have this issue. I had a bit more freedom. Funny thing is, I didn't take advantage of that often. Now, she is back home and she is having a hard time. Part of it was the accident had her upset. There was blood in the yard from the farmer and when she realized who he was, she was processing.

I had kept my company away from the house for the most part. I had considered D might need to adjust to this idea. But, the funny thing was when he left on Sunday, she said to me that she wondered why we hadn't come to hang out at the house over the weekend and have a fire in the fire pit. So, it dawned on me that this was not about me having company.

After the weekend, I figured D was going to relax. But, this entire week, I have experienced more of D's separation anxiety issues, even when she has not been home. She checked on me last night when I was teaching. She asked if I had left work yet. I was with a student, helping them during which would have been my office hours. D was at her boyfriend's house. So, what was the big deal. Tonight she did the same thing. Worried when I wasn't home right at 6:30 pm.

On my way home, I realized I have to be thoughtful of her triggers and I need to reassure her, by letting her know where I am, etc. I found myself thinking on the way home it feels a bit like when she was little and going out for the first time - that separation anxiety little kids have. I almost have to deal with it in the same manner. I have to be thoughtful about her feelings, but I cannot live my life in some holding pattern.

When I came through the door we talked at length about this fear she has. I told her some day she and her B would be out on their own and while they were at college I had a life I was living. I was always there for them and never went anywhere. I understand her trigger, but she has to learn to trust me and I haven't given her any reason to think I am going to pull a MLC Xh stunt.

It was a good discussion. We agreed to work on this dilemma and I am not going to feel guilty about having times where I need to be an adult.

D mentioned last weekend and apologized for having been so needy. She then said she noticed I was pretty happy last weekend and she was glad to see that. She asked me specifics about my weekend. I know from the conversation she is being honest and last weekend's meltdown had nothing to do with the overall weekend - this was pure trigger left over from MLC Xh's abandoning her.

While I have moved far away from MLC and don't have nearly as many triggers, I have to be aware of the one's that remain with the kids. It is going to take time and patience for them to heal.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #114 on: September 30, 2019, 09:16:51 AM »
I had a full weekend, but little of it was mine.

My M had asked me for help painting their bathroom. I laughed because the original plan was for my parents to help along with my sister. Bot of my parents ended up not being able to paint the upper half of the bathroom, which is a fairly good sized room. Both were suffering from a bit of vertigo from allergies. My sister was busy with running her kids to practices and the like. My M wanted to reschedule, but I pushed and said that I knew they were anxious as it is the contractor still has work to finish up, but it could not be done until the painting was completed. My M was going to hire someone, but I know full well that the person they normally hire is booked for the next few weeks solid. I had run into his W last week and she said he is trying to hire more help to keep up with his work load.

So, Saturday most of my day was spent painting the first coat. I was done by 1 and then my phone rang. My coordinator from the college was filling in at the gallery and had an emergency at home. She felt bad about asking me to come in, but I told her I would cover for her. My day by then was pretty well shot. I originally planned to go and pick up some supplies for S on my way home, but D called and wondered if she could get some driving in and tag along. TBH, I really was not in a mood for company, as much as I love D, I wanted some time alone. But, I gave in. D was fine for a long time, but then she got really cranky and it culminated in an argument by the end of the night.

She is struggling with what I have now realized is a PTSD form of separation anxiety. There is no doubt in my mind. I spent a great deal of time Saturday night reading articles about teenage anxiety related to this particular scenario. She hits 95% of the markers. Her issues last weekend reared their ugly head again and it had nothing to do with the actual weekend or my company. This weekend it was simply a need to know where I am and when I would be home. The argument needed to happen. I told her that I understood her fears, they are some of the same one's I had when Xh disappeared and didn't check in. I said I would do a better job of checking in, but she did admit, I didn't leave her hanging nor was I inaccessible. She said her fears are a bit unfounded in my case and I have never abandoned her. It is something we are going to have to navigate together. I have to be mindful of her triggers and she has to realize I cannot control some things in life, but I will do my best to reassure her when I can. She is going to work on it with a counselor as well.

I was aggravated by the whole residual effect of this. Xh has not only in MLC created this issue, but he makes it worse by popping in and guilting her. He makes promises or reaches out, only to disappoint her. Logically, she knows I am not Xh, but it still triggers her. It is hard because it means I am making up for something I did not do. And, D is my kid. I think the aggravation is trying to find that balance in my own life. I am not going to enable her behavior. I am not going to dismiss it either. She needs me to be that stable parent and to help her find the tools to work through this. It just isn't always easy cleaning up Xh's messes.

That said, I think D and I will work through this. Part of it is adjusting to her return home and being around more. That said, she is doing incredibly well and had a job interview on Saturday. It looks promising. I am hoping those types of "normal" life events for her will help her anxiety.

Yesterday, i was back up at my parent's putting the final coat on the upper half. My sister got out of that one with a sick kid. I guess I will give her a pass - LOL. My F was out running errands and it gave M and I time to really talk.

I found that my M is having a hard time not being able to do things for herself. Her visit to the specialist for her impending cornea transplant is coming up and her eyesight is definitely not as good as it was. She knows it and feels helpless. She did a fantastic job "supervising"  - LOL. Although, there were a couple of times I muttered under my breath I am sure. And the thing is I probably could have done a less than perfect job and she would not have seen the errors, but I am a perfectionist and went around and touched up where they had taped off areas and miscued ever so slightly. I was using a tiny brush to fill in the areas no one else would probably notice.

At one point, my M asked me a question about Xh. She wanted to know if he ever apologized when we were married - for anything. I said that when we were first married, yes. And when the kids were little he not only would apologize but in all of those moments, he followed up with actions that proved he was truly sorry. But, at some point the acknowledgment of messing up stopped. I recalled the moment I confronted him about his affair. He broke down and said he was sorry. His actions for months seemed indicate on the one hand he was, but looking back, I now see that he wasn't really. He had OW as a "friend" and simply changed her contact information in his phone. They might not have been a thing at that point but he didn't alleviate my fears any. I was in fact told I should trust him.

So desperate to make things work, I gave in.  ::) And on a road to forgiveness, I forgave him for the affair, as I felt I needed to, I ztold Xh that I could see how maybe it could have happened - that is to say, I knew there were problems and maybe he did feel neglected. I didn't excuse the behavior entirely, but I admitted maybe I could do better as well. At that point, there was a shift. I said to my M that in that moment of saying I understood, Xh then began blaming me for the affair. It has taken me a long time to realize that my "understanding" gave him a way to remove his own feelings of guilt and I was to blame. And in many ways, that verbal apology he gave me was in my own heart almost nullified. It meant very little. His actions, while seemed loving at times, no longer held much weight. I never felt secure. There was no longer trust. Had he truly been sorry, he would have known I was not out to punish him and would have perhaps realized I needed some reassurance. I was willing to work with him to move forward. But, it was easier to put even the affair all on me.

The discussion with my M needed to happen. I see she needed to really understand not only for herself, but for D, who she knows is struggling right now with Xh. S is also pulling away. My M needed to see that Xh is so busy trying to alleviate his own guilt that he is not the same man. He is willing to sacrifice those around him that loved him to hide from his own demons.

It was funny, yesterday, I was thinking about how last weekend I was asked several times by my company if I had been to this or that place before. It was odd, in that there were a few places that I had been with Xh in the past, but never once did Xh enter my mind. It was not some quest to take these places over as mine, or erase the past. Nor was it some attachment because of Xh. It made me realize that those places were places I wanted to share because I enjoyed them myself. and knew somehow this person would perhaps enjoy them. There were also many things I have always wanted to do, but never did with Xh. Xh hated walks unless they were to a destination. He would have never walked from a restaurant and gone a ways in the dark to the ice cream shop and back. We would have been in the car. My moments that perhaps I did recall Xh might have been memories, but they were not a pining or a sadness, they have become stories of my past. There is an odd sense of detachment associated with them. I never expected that to happen.

I was exhausted yesterday afternoon, but had promised S a full meal for he and his friends. I spent most of the afternoon cooking and threw laundry into the mix. At one point, I was in the basement and noticed a puddle on the floor. It was coming from the water heater. It was in that moment I felt completely defeated. It took a bit to pull myself up and cheer myself on. I remember buying that when we moved in. My Xh was too busy to be bothered. My F went with me and we hired the neighbor kid to help us get it downstairs into the basement. I have had the water heater since 1995, so I accepted that this is just a reality I may be facing. I cleaned up the puddle and this morning it is dry around the area. I suspect it had to do with the humidity in the air yesterday. I am hoping that is the case, but have already started setting aside money and researching a new water heated to prepare myself for that having to be replaced at some point in time.

The neighbor kid came over after I left him a message. He had mowed the lawn. He thought I had brownies for him. He and I ended up in a battle because I was handing him money. He would not take it, but gave in and we stuck a deal that he would accept money every other time and brownies the other times. He spent time with the kids and they all reminisced about the many times that kid stayed over night and how many times I had to walk over in the darkness because he forgot his inhaler or some other thing. Or the time he fell off the monkey bars at the playground and bit his lip. We gave him D's favorite sweatshirt to stop the bleeding. She was laughing last night that she was pretty upset that her bright pink sweatshirt was ruined. It was a good way to end the day, I must admit - a room full of laughing kids.

When I went to bed, I felt a bit of aggravation because Xh just left all of these things for me to deal with on my own - the kids, who are both sick right now with colds. The residual from Xh leaving and D having anxiety. Just aggravated. But, then I reset my brain and said while I wished I had someone to just give me a hug and say I had this, I don't and I am it. I have to ask for help and be grateful for those who are in my corner.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2019, 10:03:17 AM by MourningDove »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #115 on: September 30, 2019, 11:08:46 AM »
If the counselling doesn't cut through the anxiety. Your daughter might want to look at EMDR. She would probably only need a few sessions and it works really well for this kind of thing. Just an idea to add to her toolbox.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #116 on: September 30, 2019, 06:01:31 PM »
Treasur - I agree. The counselor that was recommended by a friend of mine, specializes in dealing with trauma induced anxiety. My friend's daughter was murdered and her children were left orphaned. They have done very well with this counselor. While MLC may not be something as horrific as losing a parent in such a horrible manner, it is in fact a trauma. I have found there are many people who dismiss how damaging Xh's change in behavior has been towards D. While he is walking about, the man we all see is not the man D was raised by. For her, his "disappearance" is like a death and at times more difficult, because Xh reappears and D doesn't get to fully grieve.

Today, I took D out for more driving lessons. In fact, I decided to test her on the toll road. I timed it so that we missed rush hour and the traffic was lighter, but it was still busier than she is used to. I must admit, I was not exactly at ease, but I didn't let on. I let her know I trusted her. She remained calm when a couple of people cut her off. She needed me to not react and make her nervous. She surprised me when on the way home, in the dark, she wanted to try the same route home. It was good for her confidence and I told her I was proud of her improvement.

This morning, at the high school I had trouble with one of my students. I had his brother in my class 2 years ago and I would take 2 of the older brother over this kid. The older B, "Body Like a Back Road" was just a class clown, but always respectful. I have enough information to know that both boys live with their F and a step M. Their biological M had MLC, ran off with OM and now has a new baby with him. She moved far away and the boys don't see her except for a couple of times a year. The oldest S told me he knows his little sister did not ask to be born into this madness and he loves his little baby sister. He said his M is messed up. But, the younger one has been acting out since the baby sister was born. He was the baby up until then. So, I am pretty sure his behavior is a need for attention.

I have had students like this before. And it takes so much for any of these kids to really rattle me. The morning had already been a tough one in that I had one student who is having trouble at home beyond his control. He didn't complain, but I could tell he needed to go work with his counselor. He is one of my hardest working students and was worried about missing class, but I encouraged him to go take a mental health moment and worry about my work later. I know he will get the assignment done. Before he left he asked if that deal was still available for the SD card because he now is being moved again and the SD card is at his last "home". I told him I would have one for him tomorrow. I went out after work and bought him a brand new one. D was wondering why I was buying a card when I have so many. I explained and she just smiled and gave me a hug.

But, "Body with a Backroad's" little B began to go down a very different road with me. He is clearly on a mission to see how far he can push me. And he had asked about D a couple of weeks ago, but today he started to go down an inappropriate avenue. Enough where I told him to knock it off. He is harmless, but I was not happy. I was firm with him, but know this is what he wants. The rest of the class went into protective mode and got on his case. I was contemplating how I am going to deal with him moving forward, and I think I know what has to happen. He is trying to see if I will abandon him. I have to be firm and tell him it won't be tolerated but not abandon him. He doesn't trust women to stick by him, is my guess. But it also seems I have a protector.

I got a phone call after work. It was my coworker. He was pissed. He told me he got wind of what went on in my class. He hauled that kid into detention and gave him hell. He told me that he said to this young man that no woman, especially me should be treated with such disrespect. He asked the kid if he somehow had it in for me and what was he hoping to accomplish - get me to not like him? The kid said that no, he really loves my class and doesn't want me to be angry with him. He said to my coworker that he was just curious where my tipping point is because nothing rattles me in the classroom. He told this kid that if he pushes me to my tipping point, there is no recovering from that and he will have broken my trust, something I value. My coworker said that the kid was sincere, but my coworker made it very clear that if he hears any more sh!t is going down and I am given a hard time or anything is said about D, he will find himself in detention for a very long time, or worse.

I had to laugh and must admit, I felt a bit odd. I felt very secure last weekend with my company. My coworker made me feel secure today - it was nice to know that while I think I can handle it, I have backup. It was what I lost with Xh in MLC. That feeling of security around Xh rolled in while MLC rolled in. Even before BD, I know I sensed that security was no longer there. It is something I cannot go without in a partner in the future. I can handle myself, but knowing there is someone there, who ever it might be is something I need.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #117 on: October 06, 2019, 11:32:03 AM »
This is the first really quiet day I have had all week. I slept a bit later than I normally do, and D was sound asleep when I woke up. The dog and both cats were being lazy as well. It might be the rather dreary day, or maybe they too have felt the effects of the past week.

The whole week had some ups and downs, but all in all, I find myself in a strangely peaceful place. Had I held on to the midweek blow up, I am not sure I would have felt the same way this morning.

Early on in the week, I had been called an enigma yet again by my philosophy professor friend, when I came up on his office and right away said I should have known he was a Jessye Norman fan. He was shocked I recognized the music as it was not even one of the operas he was playing but a series of spiritual songs. I told him I knew it was her voice and yes, I knew who she was. I went on to share with him that in my "former life" I had in fact done work on some PR for her and another celebrity at the time which now I realize I was too young to appreciate. Both women were the epitome of style, power and grace. In my early 20's I had done design work with Xh and it lead us to be invited to events for the people involved. He laughed at me when I said that I don't normally share these things, but I in fact got to meet both Jessye Norman and Audrey Hepburn in that year because of the work I did. He just shook his head and said that I am in fact an enigma.

It was in that moment early in the week, that I thought about the life I had with Xh prior to MLC. We were at that time a really good match and people referred us as the dynamic design duo. It wasn't a moment of wanting that again, in fact it was simply for me more of the reality of knowing that was a different time in my life and while I have fond memories, it is not what I crave any longer. The parts I still want are more simple and peaceful moments. They are good memories of what was, but more of a history. And the future is something I am looking forward to in a different way. I am looking forward to new memories and moments. Some that I have already had and think about with more emotion and contentment than those old memories. Those old memories are more of a simple smile of "ah yes, that happened" are different from the things that warm my heart now.

It was Wednesday when I almost felt like the world was going to topple over on me. It had started out well, and I was off to grab the day as my own. I had gone to the doctor for a routine visit in which we looked at my history and saw it so clearly that finally my body is back on track. My health was a mess during MLC, the lab numbers during the height of the crisis were all over the place and it is clear that the stress was messing with my system. This visit the PA confirmed that the only issue I had now was we upped my B12 a few months ago and I need to readjust. All of those other numbers that seemed way off, were well in the normal ranges. Nothing was out of whack and haven't been now for months. Based on our conversation, the times they were messed up were the MLC months - around the times of BD#1 and 2.

It was a good thing that visit was in the morning, because by mid afternoon my blood pressure would have been off the charts. I had a call mid afternoon from my M that my name, with Xh's was in the newspaper for having delinquent taxes on our property and faced having our property auctioned off. Mind you, I had just paid the property and school taxes for the year, so I was confused and upset. I was also afraid of the fact that awhile back I had gotten a rebate check with Xh's name attached to it. I was a mess. The concerns of why was his name attached to the property, etc.

I felt like my whole world was collapsing. And I was angry. I am so grateful for those people who were there to let me rant and work through it. I immediately went to the county offices and spoke to the clerk. It turned out that these were taxes related to the months we were in the throughs of divorce and just prior. In the divorce decree, Xh was supposed to have paid them. I immediately had her check the documents moving forward, yes, it is confirmed Xh is no longer on my deed and this was the past following me. I went to the bank and pulled out the $6600 to pay the taxes and to just clear it up.

The strangest part of all of this was I was triggered, but it was not even anger at Xh. I wasn't even upset about the money. I somehow just wanted it resolved and to move on. It was a feeling of wanting to just put MLC way behind me and it was haunting me yet again. It was anger at myself primarily. I was mad at myself for trusting Xh to do the right thing and not checking into it. I was basing my decision at that time believing I was dealing with the same man I knew before MLC. I was upset that I had my name dragged into the paper and it felt like character assassination yet again. I never quite cried on Wednesday, never quite screamed. I didn't even know where to place my emotions.

I was given extra copies of the receipts the clerk, who I did not tell her the whole story, but simply when I asked her when the delinquent taxes were from and said that I just wanted to know if my Xh was no longer on the paperwork did she make the copies. She smiled and said she sees it quite often and the copies were for me if I wanted to give them to my attorney.

The thing is, I didn't. In fact it was later that evening that I completely let it go. I may pursue it, but it just went into the piling box of evidence for the future and is there if I want to take action. I let it go very quickly when one of my oldest friends called and she is facing a surgery she needs. She never asks for help, nor was she asking now. She only wanted a shoulder to cry on. Nothing more. She had gone for a pre op meeting and was told her copay was going to be $7300 - money she and her H do not have. She needs this surgery, I know it, her H knows it. He said he didn't care what it took he would take on a second job to pay for it. I too told her I was not going to let her sacrifice herself and I would help by contacting a couple of people I know in the medical field who know of private funding sources that are local funders who help with cancer and women's issues. I would rather throw my energy there than to deal with Xh on this nonsense.

It was that conversation with my friend that maybe solidified it for me. I had the money and it hurt to write that check, but I was able to do it. Something I couldn't have even managed in MLC land. Xh had obliterated our finances. I have fought hard to get back to some stable finances. I am not making nearly as much money as we used to, but somehow I have managed to figure it out and it isn't always pretty, and I am not traveling the world or doing some of the things I would love to do, but I am surviving this.

It inspired me to go to the zoning office and push on the permit for the pole barn. It pushed me to pursue more with the construction company and that mess. It pushed me to go yesterday and order my windows for the kitchen. It pushed me to pay off my one remaining MLC related debt to my estate attorney. I didn't do anything I haven't budgeted for and obliterated any finances doing it. I needed that push to finally move a bit forward.

I was up early yesterday with D, who had to take her 5 hour driving course. I was initially unhappy about the early morning, but found myself at the bakery early having a croissant and coffee. I was the first one there, and then took a trip to the home improvement store. I had to go back home and get the measurements and on my way home, I stopped at an estate sale, something I haven't done in a very long time. I didn't buy anything, but it was a nice diversion. I returned to pick up D and we went back to the home improvement store. I placed my order and the salesman said I could save more money if I applied for a credit card.

I have not wanted to get any credit cards, but when I found out last year when I bought my car that the MLC and the divorce wiped out my credit and credit history, it made buying the car a challenge. I realized during that time that I had little choice but to rebuild credit because in our society now, if I ever decided to sell my house and go into an apartment for instance, I would be faced with having to have a credit report run. It has become one of those necessary evils. I have laughed over the past few months, because I had to in order to just not cry, when I have from time to time applied only to be denied. It has been embarrassing, considering I had a spotless credit rating, one I was so proud of when I was younger.

I looked at the salesman and laughed, saying it was fine for him to run as I haven't applied in months for anything and not to be surprised if it is denied. To my absolute shock the credit line was approved and was significant. I hadn't considered that I haven't been late on any bills all year and the car has been under my name for a year. D turned and smiled at me. She knows that for me this is a huge thing. Not the part about having a credit card, because I am not apt to even use it, but it was something else.

She walked out to the parking lot with me and I looked over to see her with a huge smile on her face. She said to me that she was so proud of me, that I have worked so hard to make this happen. I told her that I was having a tough time with knowing Xh and I used to work together on finances and I let it get out of control on my end in that I quit paying attention. D right away said that she appreciated I was owning my part, but said in reality Xh was not going to change and work with me, S and D have said that all along. She said had we stayed together they don't believe we would have ever recovered because Xh is not changing his behaviors. The conversation was brief, and D giggled at one point saying that maybe my F has been right, that I am getting a do over.

The evening ended with me going to participate in a wine walk for work. I helped work the event and went out with friends afterwards for dinner.

D called and wondered what time I would be home. I could hear the panic in her voice. I was rather annoyed at first, and then realized this is exactly the time of year Xh started going out and not coming home or calling. It is a trigger for her for certain. It was the same behavior she exhibited with me a couple of weekends ago when I had company. It had nothing to do with me being out with a man all weekend. She knew I was out with my coordinator, her daughter, a student and his W. She knows them all and knew I would be home by a reasonable hour. I got 3 calls from her, wondering where I was. I assured her I would text her and let her know when I was at the restaurant when I left and so on. I gave her a ball park time of being home no later than 10 because the restaurant had a 45 minute wait. She texted at 9:30 and wondered where I was. I laughed and said I was at the grocery store and on my way home. She relaxed but I am going to have to keep this in mind. She needs my reassurance right now with a balance of letting her know I am not going to stay home all the time.

I was on my way out to the parking lot when I was stopped by a young woman, a former student who we were just talking about at dinner. We had wondered if anyone had heard from her recently. She was one of my students at the height of MLC and she was an inspiration to me - as her home life was insanity. She looked incredible last night and told me she was able to sever her relationship with her toxic M and got several scholarships. She is thriving and loves the college I helped her apply to. She looked happy and I needed to see her last night. It was just more reminders that my energy is much better spent on these types of things, than on the MLC insanity. I can't change that past, but I can move farther from it.

It is what lead to my peace and contentment this morning.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #118 on: October 06, 2019, 10:32:00 PM »
So glad you worked out the taxes thing Mourning, what a shock that was! Good thing your mother reads the newspapers :)  it must have given her a jolt as well.

Your student sounds like they have gotten their life back on track, the amazing things that come out of adversity.  I am always amazed at my accomplishments and we should all be proud of surviving and thriving.

Let's hope tomorrow's paper has better news or just the name of your xH on the front page for his poor life choices ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #119 on: October 07, 2019, 01:01:38 AM »
Let's hope tomorrow's paper has better news or just the name of your xH on the front page for his poor life choices ;)

OK, I know that this is TOTALLY inappropriate but, since I JUST finished catching up on Mort's thread where Beast was telling her she needed to make better life choices, I literally just...

all over my desk...

Being in a position to just "take care of da Business" is a good place to be and, it is one less string that xH has holding up his fantasy puppet show....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #120 on: October 07, 2019, 09:44:00 AM »
Savoir Faire & Ursa Major - I am honestly shocked at how after having that event I somehow wasn't worn to a complete frazzle and it maybe helped me. It seems so very strange. If I were to explain to someone in RL, they would think I must be nuts, but in some odd way, I needed this push to want to create that distance from MLC. And it has maybe been a bit of a blessing, although I am not about to send Xh some sort of thank you card. LOL

Maybe I needed that feeling of "I can do this". The triggers that really struck me were that I was more upset about the character assassination aspect than the money. I was upset about not being more aware of my own actions at the time of MLC and putting a stop to it, or at least trusting a person who was not who I once knew. I wanted to believe that my MLCer, who had a history in MLC of obliterating finances was going to somehow turn into that man I was married to and do the right thing. Ha - I felt like a fool on Wednesday afternoon.

Yet, the turn was tackling the windows getting ordered. Today, I got notice that they are going to be starting my roof this week, due to a good stretch of weather this week. I am preparing to write that giant check as well.

S is gathering the information for the pole barn to be built.

It looks like to many I must be in debt up to my eyeballs, or going on a serious spending spree. Yes, some of the money is from my trust, but I have budgeted really well and I am almost shocked. I will slow up the spending after the big home improvements are done and start saving for the things I will tackle in the spring. The driveway repairs will go on hold. And I have my little wish list of "hope I can make it happen" which include the fireplace being addressed in the living room so I can actually use it and some other items.

D was laughing because this weekend I also addressed a couple of things in the kitchen that have been on my list of aggravations for quite some time. The refrigerator ice maker broke and Xh didn't want to repair it. It is something I can do myself and the part isn't terribly expensive. The stove Xh bought has never sat quite right and the drawer rolls out. It needs leveling and there is a part missing on the back of the range or it needs to be set back closer to the wall. Things Xh would not let me address and I decided enough was enough on Saturday. I am setting up a visit from the service rep to come and reset the stove, only because we are dealing with a gas line, something I think is best left to an expert.

I also addressed on Friday an issue I have been very patient and nice about at the high school. I have needed access to somethings that require help from IT. Our IT person is very busy, but this is not just something I want. He has been evasive and I have not been the only college professor having this issue. It is a pain in the butt to resolve, I get it, but it has been 5 weeks and I have grades due. When I got no where and the other professor complained, I took it on and asked my new principal what needed to be done. No one else was complaining loud enough. I mentioned to her that I was not looking to be a pain, but it was impacting my students and reflects poorly on me as well, neither of which I was willing to tolerate in the long run. Anyone who knows me knows that I will remain quiet and be patient until my students are negatively impacted or my program. I walked in this morning and low and behold the IT person said it didn't take but 15 minutes to take care of. I wanted to be a b!tch and say to him, yah, 15 minutes and 5 weeks, but I know better than to make him my enemy.  ::) The other professor thanked me for being more vocal about it. That too did not exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy, as I wanted to say to him that he could have pursued it as well. This is why I suddenly get the reputation of being a trouble maker. The funny thing was the principal laughed and informed me that my coworker had said not too long ago that I am a person who wants to do a good job and I don't look for problems - if I see them, I simply want solutions and to move on. She then added that she also put in a rush to move my classroom into the new lab areas, that none of the other classes seem to be using and wanted to know what materials I would like. And, she mentioned my students have been talking about a mural idea and artwork for the walls that I brought up. She wants to pursue that as well. So, maybe I have found an administrator who has just enough "trouble maker" in her to make some things happen. LOL

Last night, I realized I have a very odd week next week. I have a break for Columbus Day from the high school on the traditional holiday, and I can flex my millwork schedule. I am off completely for the weekend and can get coverage for my Friday afternoon if I want. I am owed a favor at the gallery. I have to work Tuesday at the high school, but college has an event that cancels classes. I have my Wednesday open. So looking at these odd blocks of potentially free time, I was struck by a crazy desire to perhaps get away for a day or 2 to do something or absolutely nothing - LOL. I found myself searching for an area I can get to in a reasonable amount of time and it is the end of their tourist season, yet still lovely this time of year, so I was finding hotels for a 3rd of their normal rates. I am not sure yet on when, but I am very serious about this escape idea. LOL. It also then lead me to search out some places I have never been in that area. I am not banking on anything, just yet. I actually laughed when I realized Xh's support check will be showing up, if his "schedule" stays on track  ::) and I will be receiving that in the mail. I have already paid S's tuition and such ahead of schedule, so technically his "contributions" have been covered to the household. I must admit the idea of cashing that check and taking "his money" is really appealing at the moment, after the Wednesday tax blow up.

And, not to worry - I am not in MLC territory, nor am I in vindictive mode. It is merely my twisted sense of humor trying to keep myself sane during all of this. I have had to learn how to laugh at it all. Meanwhile, I thought last night as D and I were in the kitchen together, I wondered  if Xh is really any happier in his little cottage on a Sunday night. He used to love to cook Sunday dinners together. I was washing the dishes and cleaning up as D tackled her first chicken pot pie from scratch. She was so proud of herself. And it took away my aggravation from earlier when she came to me in the middle of the day and wanted to go get groceries, something I hadn't planned on for my Sunday afternoon.

I felt a bit of compassion for XH in that moment as she pulled her creation out of the oven. He has made a huge mess of his life, and is missing out. In that compassion was also a reality that I wasn't wishing he was there to share in that moment either. I was not missing his company. It was a sense of peace and calm that continued from earlier. Acceptance that this is the way things are and it is okay.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #121 on: October 07, 2019, 07:50:25 PM »
Don't feel too bad for your XH, he chose the life he now has >:(  I feel the same about mine when S22 has a new thing to share with me that I know he won't tell his father.  I also watch S22 grow up in front of me, his little smiles as he thinks about so many things that make him happy.  We have built a very happy life together here and not one bit is thanks to xH.  XH has missed out on all the important stuff in our lives and for what?  A woman who wants his money.  Shallow indeed.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #122 on: October 08, 2019, 08:37:32 AM »
Savoir Faire - LOL. I guess my level of compassion for my Xh lies in he is in crisis, but much like you say, he is making choices. I think this is something that is very hard for many of us to wrap our head around.

When someone in RL asks me about it, I equate it to loving someone with an addiction. It may be an illness, but to a certain degree it is their choices. They may not be strong enough to get help on their own, but ultimately for many of us, we witness them make choices and if we let them, they would gladly take us down with them because whatever they are fighting is a stronger pull.

But, it is Xh's choice. Sunday night, I think it was just a moment of wondering if Xh even thinks about those moments or is he so out of touch that he has no idea how those simple moments are often the best moments. Watching that smile cross D's face when she pulled that perfectly browned crust out of the oven was perfect. The only problem I have now is she is on a cooking kick, which includes baking. I know it is a good problem to have, although last night she made some lemon concoction that I am hoping is going to her BF's M, who loves lemon because I could eat the entire thing myself - LOL. OMG.  ;D

The contractors started on my parent's roof today. They are projecting that next week they will start mine. I am not sure when that might be and I may have to plan accordingly if I want to escape in my little time frame. I have narrowed down a few ideas, but I am also not beyond going on a bit of real whim and taking a distance like 3-4 hours in any direction and see where I get. I used to do it all the time prior to being married and Xh used to embrace that type of travel. It has been a long time since I have done that. And the last time I travelled anywhere on my own was for work, probably 8 years ago. I will admit there is a bit of fear in me at the idea of even booking my own hotel. That is a strange feeling. It is not even being in a hotel by myself that is any fear, it is just that process. That moment of booking something and having a little voice in my head (it is always Xh's MLC voice I hear) that I am somehow doing it wrong and am going to muck it up. It is such a strange thing for me, for I never really feared messing things up, as I was raised to believe it was okay to screw up and how you learn. I am working through that fear as it seems completely silly. Yup, I could end up stranded in the middle of nowhere  ::)

My friend gave into the pressure from her H, her M and myself to go ahead with her surgery. She was admitted this morning and I am so hoping this resolves her health issues. I know the stress of the financial aspect is weighing on her, but I have faith in her H, as he is an example of being a supportive partner. He is keenly aware of the sacrifices she makes on the weekends to help him run his business and she never complains. They work together and always have. I have offered to bring them food or to help by bringing her S over to the hospital after he gets out of work tonight. I think her M has it covered for today, but my friend, who I don't see often said it before I did - she and I have been friends since the 6th grade and we have each other's back.

D has come down with what her BF had. She is in bed, trying to rest up and hopefully will not be down for days. Luckily with the contractors not coming until next week, she won't have to put up with additional noise.

My morning at the high school was a good one. I popped into my principal's office to run an idea by her. She shared a story with me that made me smile. It was about a teacher ruining her desire to play the piano for year. It had to do with having a really difficult day and she was playing the music in a much harsher tone than normal and it was in a practice room. It was not that she was hurting the piano nor was she performing, she was processing. She said the instructor threw the door open and told her that was not the right way to play that piece. She said for a year she didn't play.

It was a conversation about our students and the particular problems some of them come to school with. It was about having structure and yet letting them also find positive ways of coping with their emotions. It lead into continuing our discussion about the desire for artwork to be in the new building. She is very much of the same mind I am in - to let the kids dream first before we put constraints on. That is, she loves that I told them to brainstorm what they would like to see happen and not to say it can't. One kid mentioned wanting a sculpture. He right away shot it down and I told him to go with the idea, that he has no idea where we might find willing people to make it happen. I might know someone  ::)

The principal asked me a question that was so funny. The best way I could answer it was to tell her the story of the 3 drawers. She lit up and said she wants to adopt that concept in school and asked if it was okay with me. I laughed and said I didn't own it and I may have to call my former professor and let him know he has really created a monster - LOL.  ;D

The principal and I agreed that from now on she and I can say to one another "that belongs in drawer 1, drawer 2 or that is definitely drawer 3".

It has been a good way to start my day.  :)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #123 on: October 09, 2019, 02:46:52 AM »
Sounds overall like a fairly decent day... except for D's cold....

As far as having compassion for the Mid-Lifers, yeah OK.  It is their actions that make me crazy..... and, like you said, they would have no qualms about taking us down with them if they can....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #124 on: October 09, 2019, 02:50:52 AM »
Ditto on that one Ursa!  Taking people down is what they do best >:(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #125 on: October 09, 2019, 06:21:49 AM »
UrsaMajor & Savoir Faire - I think I am struck as of late by how so many of us unfortunately have MLCers that are on that slow path to exiting the tunnel.

It is not to say there isn't hope for some, and for the newbies, it is not, for me at least a belief that some MLCers don't do the work and come out of this. For my own situation, I had to accept my MLC Xh is not the man I knew for so long and I had to sort out the truth from the MLC history rewrite. XH's accounting of our lives at MLC really took awhile for me to untangle.

My own anger and frustrations at times could have migrated to bitterness and resentment. Under the circumstances it would have been completely normal and understandable to allow those feelings to take over. And at times they start to bubble up when my MLC Xh does something to hurt the kids, when that is something that is so beyond comprehension for me at this point. I have come to expect him to come after me. It doesn't hurt me the same way, as in I know who I am and my truth. I find when he comes after me I am angry that he won't just leave me alone and let me move forward. Or the feeling that, for instance like last week where I have my name in the paper and I am just upset that I feel like I am being painted yet again like some horrible person publicly, when all I want to do is move past the MLC.

I don't think about my XH daily or obsess over what could have been if he had just gotten help any longer. He does enter my mind, but not in the same manner as it once was. There might be a memory that is particularly happy and I really equate it now to like those memories of my deceased grandparents or people who have passed. I don't long for Xh the same way.

Yesterday, I was on my way home and a song came on the radio which I haven't heard in a very long time. It was one my very first serious boyfriend used to always play for me. He died a few years ago very tragically, and I have a soft spot for him in my heart. Having dated seriously on and off for 6 years before I finally said I had enough. He had tripped into a partying lifestyle at college and it lead to drugs and alcohol - something I just couldn't accept into my own life. He never pushed me to participate, in fact he behaved around me, but on the weekends, I would get calls from parties where he was clearly on something. After 6 years, I had to accept this was his path. But, I knew what kindness and goodness was at his core and hoped one day he would find his way out.

The song, made me smile and hoped that he has somehow found peace in his life, but it also had me thinking about my Xh. I look back now and see where the 2 times he and I broke up that maybe there were warning signs I didn't really want to face. He had abandonment issues very early on and I was young and naive at the time. I was there for the years after his parent's divorce and witnessed the pain he was feeling, but I thought he was dealing with it in his own way. Even back then, he at least talked about his feelings and troubles. The reality is though, he really needed professional help.

This is not about blame or somehow wishing it was different now. This was a moment for me of just seeing I tried to be a supportive person and it is not enough. It comes down to having to at some point do our own mirror work and ask for help and support.

When I had company a few weekends ago, I took that person around and we visited a lot of places. Some were places Xh and I had been before. When this person asked if I had been here or there before, I will admit, when I was asked I felt an odd fear. It was a fear of should I not be here or there with someone else because I may have spent times there with Xh. And this was all on me - that pause and wondering why I chose this spot. I realized very quickly, that in fact, I hadn't really thought about whether or not Xh and I had spent time there. I wanted to share it because it was one of my favorite places because it was my own feelings, not associated with my Xh and some moment he and I had.

It makes moving on complicated at times, because in fact there is a life prior to the one I am living now. A history. But that person is not dead in the truest sense. My Xh still lurks around but not even as an apparition. He is still a human walking around, although to me the man I knew is dead. The pre MLC version is a ghost. That is not an easy concept to wrap your head around or to explain to someone who has not experienced that feeling.

For me the reality was yesterday, upon hearing that song I know that my love for my Xh is like that of my former boyfriend. There is always going to be a soft spot for who they were and the time we shared. But for me, it is just different now. I don't long for that person. I can't see a future with him, because he isn't who he was and in realty too much has now changed. I am no longer who I was either.

If I say this in RL, the assumption, because I am divorced would be that we grew apart. I know plenty of people that grow and change, but somehow still stay together and learn to accept the changes. I have witnessed the extreme changes where couples do grow apart. I am at a point where it might not have been what I wanted to happen, but I have not only accepted it, but maybe have embraced it. Not all the changes have been bad for me.

Yes, I could have seen a very different outcome if Xh had gotten help at the same time I healed. It didn't happen. I can wonder why all I want.

I wrestled with the concept of God's plan and freewill for a very long time. I pondered tests we are perhaps given in life.

All of those musings only lead me to the point where I am at today, which is I may never know the answer to that question. All I know is this path feels more solid than the MLC path I was trying to stay on with my Xh. Those moments of peace and contentment are there more often. There are different desires and dreams. My wish for Xh is he gets some help for his own sake and perhaps the kid's sake. My wish for him is that he finds some peace some day, but in the meantime, I would really like it if he just left me alone to walk my own path and quit throwing rocks at me. LOL

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #126 on: October 09, 2019, 06:36:26 AM »
I could have written almost every word you wrote, Mourning.

Took me a long time to untangle what I thought MLC xh was/is and who I experienced as my h and the transition between the two. And to untangle by myself what I thought about my/our history vs what I thought his rewritten version was and what his behaviour suggested it was.

There is something very wrong with these men...something previously unseen and hidden usually...bc leaving or even an affair is not enough destruction for them. The simple truth is that normal healthy adults don't act this way, even unfaithful ones who want to end their marriages after the initial dust settles. There is a rage and hatred and self pity in them which is hard to see and uncomfortable to be around.

And then to accept that there were a ton of things I didn't know and might never. Along with some not very nice things I did know.

And then to see my h as dead and MLC xh as nothing to do with me. Easier for me of course bc we had no kids and I was able to go NC completely after the divorce. And bc I lost other people so I suppose it is more of the same.

And then to figure out how I felt about it all and both versions of him and myself. And what, if anything, I hope for the once much loved human with my h's face and for myself. And working through all the what ifs and why not us/me stuff too. Not all the changes have been bad for me either and I increasingly see what I was saved from rather than what I lost. And if I get a moment, as you did with that song you associated with an earlier love, when a place or a memory or a song makes me smile and think fondly of my former h or my former marriage, that's quite nice.

Ha ha, sounds like the famous Three Drawers in action right?
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 07:30:08 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #127 on: October 09, 2019, 09:01:05 PM »
Treasur - the Three Drawers have been getting a work out the past few days.  ;D

I found myself having a "moment" today when life started to pound down a bit. I am aware I am coming off of last week's nonsense and just trying to keep pace right now. I have had very little time to truly process all of it. I have been relatively calm, but was not under the complete illusion that I was somehow not going to feel the ripples still. It snuck up on me a tiny bit though.

It was my day to take for myself, but I had accepted today was not going to be particularly relaxing or one where I was going to be able to somehow do something fun and mindless. Today was a day where I was going to make headway on things, or so I thought.  ::)

I made calls to the insurance company for the construction company, yet again. Finally around 8 pm tonight I got a call giving me a name of an adjuster working on behalf of the construction company. I am waiting on the final results of the sheriff's report to be released.

Then in came a call from another insurance company. I thought it was odd, but I called back only to find out this was something else.

I have on occasion received calls from an elderly woman on my cell phone looking for her niece or granddaughter. I have spoken to her and told her that this is not that woman's phone number a couple of times and now just let it go to voicemail. The call this morning was different. It was in regards to an accident and they were looking for this young woman to get her side of the story. Hmmm. Okay, that didn't make me feel particularly secure. As it turns out, after speaking with the auto insurance agent, this was phone number last associated with this woman and she is still using it on documents, but clearly she is not the owner of that number. I have had this cell phone number for 3 years now. I cleared it up with the car insurance company, but it made me uneasy. Where else might this woman be using that number and giving it out? She seemed to have no problem sharing it 2 days ago when she put it on a document. If it had been an oversight, I wouldn't have been upset, but I will admit, this didn't do much to make me relax.  ::)

I was just trying to check off things on my to do list and make headway when my M showed up. I mentioned to her I am seriously considering going away for a day or 2. She right away asked if I was meeting so-and-so. My response was one of genuine shock and decided to pursue this line of thought she was having. I asked her if that were the case, would it somehow make a difference. She stunned me by saying that in fact she would honestly feel better if I were going away with someone.

This lead to a conversation about her concerns with me going away. She was not understanding my need to get away. She tried to convince me to join my F and herself next weekend for a get away, as they are going on vacation. Then came the idea that they were thinking of going to visit my cousin and his new W's house this Sunday. She was worried that I somehow was following the MLC path and luckily my F had my back. He said he didn't understand what my M didn't get, considering before I was married, I would travel on my own. He reminded my M that I went to Europe for a month and the only communication I had was postcards and maybe a phone call or 2.

In this era of technology, I am realizing for my M it is not a good thing. She actually worries more now than she did before when she can't reach me. It has nothing to do with her living right next door because she does the same with my sister, who lives an hour away.

My F tried to tell my M that I, like him, need to just shut off the daily stuff for a bit. My F escapes into his studio or from time to time goes off in his MG for a ride for a couple of hours. He said the problem I have is no one leaves me alone. I am with D all the time now, even on my drives as of late because she is trying to get practice. When I had company, the accident at the house happened and I still had to check in.

I rarely get time to just be "off the clock". I am trying to find that balance and I am getting better, but I need this escape.

By the time the conversation with my M rolled in, I could feel myself needing to just get in the car and drive. I haven't done it in awhile, and I found myself talking myself out of it. I had more to do.

And then came the call. It was my sister. I could hear the exhaustion and stress in her voice. Her FIL had surgery today and she was going to be driving him and her MIL home. My BIL has just started a new job and she didn't want him to take off. The surgery took longer than anticipated and my niece and nephew were now going to be home alone. My sister was not asking for help. She was just needing a person willing to listen to her. I ran the time in my head and told my sister that she didn't get to talk me out of it, but I was going to get in my car and go be with her kids. I knew that they could be alone for a time and my BIL could pick them up and take them with him to pick up my sister, but it would lead to a late night for them. I said it made more sense for me to go sit with them and get them ready for school, etc. My sister gave in and said she knew I had a lot going on.

I found my whole body relax once I hit the road and even wasn't terribly upset about hitting rush hour traffic. I needed the mental shift.

I arrived to find my niece running to the door. I did not expect the newly minted teenager to be happy to see me. She gave me a big hug and I walked in to find both she and my nephew doing their homework and my niece actually was helping him by helping him search for a map on the computer. They finished all of their homework and had lunches made for tomorrow. We talked for a time and they both were worried about their grandfather. We caught up on what they are up to. We were laughing and having a good time. I then asked them if they wanted to go get a treat for dessert. My nephew's eyes got big and wanted to know what that might be. I told him to tell me what would he absolutely love right then and there. He told me it was a slice of cake from the bakery - a special vanilla cake. I know the one and I am normally not a vanilla cake person, but I will admit this one is fantastic. I could see my niece wanted something different. She wanted cheese cake. I laughed and said it could be done and we would go buy individual slices. My niece said that was more expensive and they don't normally do that. I laughed and said I didn't either, but what the heck, I felt like being a bit careless.

We came home and made dinner and ate our treats at the kitchen island and both kids spent a long time with me. After awhile they went off to go shower and to just relax as I did some paper work for school.

My sister called and was shocked when I said they were all ready for tomorrow. My BIL was in the car by then and he said he was so incredibly grateful I was there, as my sister and he realized the kids might be nervous about their grandfather's surgery and it was getting late.

I sat in my sister's house and while I love their house, I found myself so grateful for my house with all of the flaws and character. I don't belong where my sister lives. It doesn't suit me. Being there made me appreciate what I do have, but I also was so grateful for the time with my niece and nephew. They brought a sense of calm back to me and I was glad I was able to maybe repay a bit of the time my sister and BIL helped me over the years.

When they came in the door, my sister handed me an envelope. It was from my BIL's parents and insisted I take it. In the envelope was cash. I asked my sister what that was about. She laughed and said I should know not to question her in laws. They were so thankful I was with their grandchildren (their only grandchildren) and they knew it was a work night for me. My sister had been on the phone with me when her MIL overheard part of the conversation and she laughed telling my sister I need to go spend some money on myself and have fun.

I felt a little odd about the whole monetary gift, but then again, I know from experience that my sister's in laws are generous. They are genuine in their sentiment and I am sure they were grateful I was there for their grandchildren. I certainly didn't do it for that reason, but it was a nice reward.

At first D had been annoyed I was going, but she got over it, realizing that at the same age, D would have been anxious and concerned about her grandparents, so she understood why I went.

My sister called me on my way home and said she knows I am doing well, but she also knows I am struggling a tiny bit with people not realizing that some of the things they are seeing are in fact things that have always been there. It changed when I was the one who would stay home, willingly when the kids needed to be in school and Xh would travel. She said I am stripping back to who I was. Then of course in a way only a sister can, she started to joke with me and ask if there were any other things she should be prepared for. I had to remind her that she was the kid that gave my M grey hair, not me.  ;D

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #128 on: October 10, 2019, 01:16:59 AM »
So, enquiring minds want to know.... What did/will you treat yourself to?

That was a really nice thing for them to do off-the-cuff like that, not to mention you taking the time to go be with the kids. It sounded like they had things pretty much under control as far as the homework and they actually made their lunches for the next day.... but I am sure that they enjoyed and appreciated your being there (not to mention the cake!  ;) )
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Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #129 on: October 11, 2019, 11:06:09 AM »
UrsaMajor - LOL. Well, I am not sure what I will do as of yet to treat myself. I am up for suggestions.

I have quite frankly not come up with specific plans as of yet. This week was a crazy pace with progress reports due for the high school and little loose ends.

I took the cash and used some of it in the most responsible way - LOL. I needed to pay for the dog's license that came due. LOL. Okay, that was only because their credit card machine was down, otherwise I would have probably put it on my debit card and I didn't have my checkbook. LOL

My sister's in laws called and said again how much they appreciated it and as I told my sister, there was no question in my mind at the time - those kids needed someone and I could do it. Sure, I was tired yesterday after getting home so late, but it had been a good evening. And, I know how many times my sister has helped me over the years with my kids, when they were little. Or how many times she and my BIL have been there for me during the MLC months. It was the very least I could do.

And, maybe it is really what I needed. I needed a little recharge. Sure babysitting doesn't seem like it would be, but in truth I just needed a change of scenery. And the simplicity of having cake with the kids and talking about their lives was a nice change. We genuinely had a nice time together.

My sister called today and said both kids were so happy I came and my niece said she felt safer knowing I was there with them at night. And, my nephew informed her that I gave him the information on what airbrush materials to buy, as he is wanting to learn how to airbrush.

I think what struck me as I was at my sister's was how I missed the comfort of my own home. I have been so frustrated at times with all that needs done, that perhaps I haven't really realized that my kitchen brings me such a sense of peace in the morning. That simple act of getting up and making my coffee before I shower while the house is quiet is something I take for granted a bit.

My sister and BIL's house is a lovely home. And they love it. And, sure if I lived there, maybe I would feel different, but it was more of the where it is located. I don't feel like I couldn't belong there, this is not a case of somehow not being worthy of a wealthy suburban neighborhood. And, I can see the benefits to it, but when I got out of there and was on the country roads, I felt a sudden feeling of comfort. It is not for everyone. Putting up with the tractors coming up and down the road all day this time of year can be annoying, but by the same token, watching them harvest in the wee hours of the morning or at dusk is pretty stunning. If they are out in the middle of the night, there is something pretty cool about seeing the lights in the field.

IDK, maybe it is just what I am used to. I just know it brings me some sense of balance. And, I think a great deal of that has to do with it was the one consistent thing in MLC. Those things still occurred no matter what was going on in my crazy life. I learned to appreciate those things more and maybe in part this sense of "routine" is what keeps me grounded. Sort of the "day is really out of control" feeling and yet, I can almost predict which field will be the next one they cut down.

D informed me this morning she has been asked to join the college honor society. She then got a smirk on her face. I asked "what"?. She said she didn't know I was part of that organization and the secretary at one point. She also learned I was art club president at the same time. I asked where she was getting her intel. My F. Ah. And she said my F proudly announced to her that I had been the first recipient of a national scholarship for that honor society to the university I went to. I had to think. Yah, I guess I was. She asked why I had never shared that. I am not sure. It was a big deal and helped me immensely, but I didn't like bragging.

Then D asked me about another thing. She saw a note on my desk from a former colleague. I smiled and said that I was not sharing it with the general public just yet, because I don't know what will happen. I have been asked to apply for a position at one of the larger private universities to join their art department. It would still allow me to stay at the community college and high school, as it is part time, but it is a scary jump. I am not confident I will get it, but the fact that I was asked and have a couple of people who want me there feels good.

But, what was better was the hug I got from D, who told me that she is so proud to be my daughter. I laughed and said to her that I had no more money to give her and just wait until I somehow embarrass her on another day. She laughed and said that yes, we have a perfect M/D relationship - just like a  "Gilmore Girls" episode.  ::)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #130 on: October 12, 2019, 03:24:22 PM »
It has been a bit of a quiet day, with D baking yet again all day.

S had come home last night and was doing homework until late. This morning he was off to work and then spent 5 hours with a friend of his, helping her test drive cars. He came home and a whole bunch of friends showed up. Among them was a guy, I rarely see and his new GF, a young woman S graduated with. 

The rest know me well and know I have expectations, and they know if they break my trust it will be hard to gain it back. So far, the constant crew has yet to disappoint me and break my rules.

It is an odd thing. I was always the soft one, with Xh being the one who laid down the law. Every kid feared Xh getting mad. Strangely, I found out that I actually scare the kids in a very different manner, as in today, S's best friend laughed and said that he is more afraid of ever making me angry. He explained that if I get upset, it must mean they have really crossed a line and he said I am probably much like a volcano that has laid dormant for a long time.

That is probably a fairly accurate description. I don't like fights. I don't like confrontation. I may say my peace at times. I may be blunt, from time to time. I can rant and blow a gasket, but it is rare when it is actually directed towards someone or where I loose it. I came very close today and the kids that know me well, knew it was not going to take much to push me over the edge.

I had been outside when I came around the corner to overhear one of the "newbies" in the driveway. I know exactly who she is, as she graduated with S. S was out of earshot. She didn't see me standing behind her. She knew very quickly, when I raised my voice just enough so everyone knows the rules at my house heard my comments.

She went out with D's boyfriend once just before he asked D out. But, D's boyfriend, who she has gone with for over a year now, didn't ask D out for well over 3 months after having gone with out with this girl. He has never said anything bad about this young woman.

It was basic teen drama and that I can forgive, but what they all found out was what I will not tolerate. As I rounded the corner, I heard this young woman talking about D and in a very unflattering way. She shut up when she saw me and I made it very clear that she doesn't have to like my D, but if I ever hear one more ounce of badmouthing of anyone that lives here, she can leave. I was not going to tolerate someone having no problem, eating my food, standing in my yard and thinking it was okay to say the types of things she was saying. I asked her if I made myself clear, she sheepishly said she got it. I informed her next time there would be no warning and I would not welcome her back here.

I was pissed and I am now a bit rattled about it. I don't want to be that person, but I know my protective side. My kids do mess up and that is fine to criticize them. My tolerance for having someone willing to spread rumors right in my presence is non existent.

Maybe it is a trigger of sorts. I put up with enough of that from OW.

I am not happy about how I reacted, in that I don't like being that crazy-sounding M, but by the same token, I am not going to allow it to happen when that young woman is having no problem being at my house.

S's best friend came in the house with his GF. He said S just found out and is fuming at this girl, but they said to let it go, that I made it very clear how things would be. S's friend then laughed and said he thinks that was probably only Level 1 and she had best not push me to Level 3. He gave me a hug and said he knows that it isn't just my kids I would protect that way and he said he wished his M was nearly as protective. He said if it had been his M, she would have joined in on the gossip, simply because she thinks that is the thing to do.

I started to tear up and told him and his GF that I had enough rumors spread about me at one point and while I know my truth, it caused a lot of pain. I said the kids have had enough lies told to them, I just won't tolerate it happening in my own house.

S came in and gave me a hug. He said he will let it go, but he is pretty sure I put the fear of God in that crew. Before they left to go out for the night, several of the kids came and gave me a hug goodbye for the night. The one friend, who S was with came up to me and said not to worry, the GF's had my back and would tell that girl, if more was said they would not put up with it either, mainly because they all think of D like a little sister.

I am grateful for the kids having good friends.

I am processing my reaction. I guess I am not terribly upset with myself, but it is a bit of a new reaction for me. I don't think I have to be worried that I have turned a corner and will be yelling at people, but it has left me a bit uneasy, I must admit.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 03:31:59 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #131 on: October 13, 2019, 06:24:04 PM »
D and I had made plans to tackle moving some of the rooms around and really setting some things in motion. She had an idea about moving the extra twin mattress into the den and making a daybed for guests. It had been in what was her bedroom after her surgery nearly 4 years ago and once FIL's room, but for many years before that had been the library. D knows how much I have loved that library and missed that space.

After some discussion, and the plans that D and S drew up, I have given in and see the logic in their plan. They found blueprints for a daybed and D's boyfriend is all excited to build it. I decided to go with it.

I had made some changes to that room once Xh moved out, but it was laden with some memories for both of the kids. I really never thought too much about that room. I was happy with it for it's aesthetic. In fact, I love the coziness of the room and the space itself. I spend a great deal of time in it because it is a quiet part of the house, but also offers me a window where I can see the farmer working the fields, etc. It is a warm room in the winter and cool in the summer. I haven't really thought about how it came to be and maybe how much the kids had issues with it. I have long let those things go. And, perhaps because I have had other happy memories in that room, that I just have wiped away how it came to be the den.

Prior to the room becoming the den, it was a playroom for the kids. It then became a room completely off limits because it was near FIL's then bedroom. The kids began to spend more time in the media room in the basement. It was a room Xh sometimes used to do his work in, but ultimately it just became a useless room with great potential.

When Xh was traveling at one point, I got it in my head to start cleaning things out. He came home and it would have been right after I confirmed he was having an affair. But, it would be about 2 or 3 weeks before I actually confronted him. He came home and was shocked because I was hauling things out and hell bent on making changes for myself. I had been exercising and at that point had decided I was going to worry about me. He noticed the changes and ended his affair, or so I thought. I confronted him about 3 weeks later.

We had to meet up with friends of ours for a long weekend and when we came back, Xh announced he wanted to redo the room. We worked together as a family and had it painted and redone in short order. The kids and I thought this was a turning point. They didn't know about the affair but knew things were not good. Xh had been hanging out most weekends and not coming home prior to the room being redone. FIL had moved out and we were back to being a family, or so we thought.

It only lasted a short time. It was only a few short months when I realized XH was still hanging around OW and they were looking at property together. But, the kids didn't abandon the den, they stayed in there quite often. I have never really thought about it.

That room had been so many different things, at one point the formal dining room, which we never used. But, for years, it was the playroom and where the kids had sleepovers on our giant beanbag that could fit 6 kids. For them the memories are different than mine. I realized that the change was a big one when we made it the den. And at the time, they were happy to reclaim it. Now, I see they need change again, maybe more than I do.

By mid-afternoon I had the room emptied and D had library emptied of the remainder of her things. She put down a drop cloth and moved in a couple of pieces of furniture for her bedroom she asked if she could strip and refinish them. She was singing away and her BF was helping her take the finish what had once been my dresser when I was a child.

D asked if I wanted to go with her and her BF to the home improvement store. I decided to take a break and go along to order a new storm door. I was ready to just settle for the same old door I have had for years. When FIL moved in, he came with us when we were shopping and suddenly I found my opinion did not matter, even though at that point Xh and I were still splitting bills and such. When 2 years later I found the door was deteriorating I contacted the company, and complained. I remember that FIL said I would not get any where. The door company sent me a new door and admitted that particular model had design flaws. But, then it was another few years and the replacement door had issues. Add to that, when Xh and FIL installed it, they never hung it properly. After countless requests going unanswered to Xh to fix it, it got to the point where the door was damaged beyond repair.

There was a promotion going on, and D was laughing as I suddenly sat down with the salesman and completely took a turn. She is not used to me making what may seem like a rash decision. The truth was, I had been looking at the door for some time, but was somehow holding myself back from buying it. It was not that much more to buy what I wanted, and yet, I kept talking myself out of it. Why?

It is not fear of change, but at times the hesitation is conditioning. I catch myself still hearing Xh's MLC voice telling me I am wrong or doing something that is stupid.

As the order was being processed, I thought to myself, "what part of this is stupid"? I was buying a storm door that will help keep the front entryway warmer in the winter. It will be better than door that is there now and now an eyesore and something I am in fact so incredibly embarrassed by. It is something that needs to happen. I need that push to make that little change to help me find the motivation to fix the front gardens and tackle the many little projects to make the house more welcoming for not only others, but for myself.

As soon as we got home, D ran up to S all excited about the door. He too was excited. Who knew a storm door would bring smiles to their faces.

Then out came the conversation I hadn't heard earlier. D asked S why he hadn't gone to Xh's for the day. It turns out, Xh had invited him to come down for a visit, only to tell S to bring his chainsaw and the log splitter. He wanted S to come cut wood for his cottage. S instead went and helped my F load up artwork from one of his exhibits and that got Xh upset, so he uninvited S. S had suggested he would come down later, but Xh said he was now busy.

I went back to working on the den when I looked outside. I had 9 cars in my driveway and yard. I laughed. Outside were S's closest friends, his GF, D, her BF and the neighbor kid. I ordered pizza for all of them.

When I came back with pizza I laughed at the discussion - it was all about the den redo and the new front door that is on order. I had to laugh and tell these kids that I figured for sure they more interesting things to discuss. S smiled and said that perhaps, but they are excited for the changes and feel it is time. D commented that maybe Xh will be confused by the new door and say he doesn't know where we live now. The kids all laughed, but underneath that joke, I know there is pain.

Stupid MLCer just keeps pushing the kids farther and farther away. His actions and his consequences.

« Last Edit: October 13, 2019, 06:32:25 PM by MourningDove »

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #132 on: October 13, 2019, 06:48:41 PM »
Well, I could sure use your S, his chainsaw and wood splitter, AND all his friends!  I'd feed them too! 

Way to go on the new door.  It doesn't seem like a big thing in the whole scheme of things but it's amazing how uplifting it is when we fix or replace something now that they've gone.  I get it, MD.  I most certainly do! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #133 on: October 13, 2019, 10:08:17 PM »
stillbaffled - LOL - my S loved Minnesota when he was there, I might actually be able to convince him that would be a great vacation - LOL. However, I am afraid, I have him rather booked at home with helping me put in new windows and my door.

Today, he and his friends were removing the cupola from the garage roof so that I can paint it and have it put on after the roof is completed. He was swearing up a storm wondering how Xh got it up there by himself, as it took 3 of them to remove it. I know how - sheer stupidity, as I recounted to S and reminded him that his F had a stubborn streak that lead him to have serious back problems because if his desire to not ask for help. S laughed and said that is about right. He and his friends decided they would ask the contractor to use his cherry picker to help them hoist it back up. LOL.

I am happy about the changes at the house.  :)

And then there is the rest of the day, which lead to me calling my sister a little while ago and having a good cry. She is kind of picking on me about it all, saying I am having a flash back to when I was 14 and I suppose she is right.

It is really quite stupid, and I laughed it off all day. I realize now that it was bothering me underneath it all for a variety of reasons, and my sister is right, it is feeling like I am 14 all over again in so many ways.

When I was 14, I had a friend who was a guy. I have had male friends for years, as I am pretty comfortable around men, and that stands to reason. I was not a "tomboy" but having been around my dad, I just felt at ease and had little desire for the girl drama that often went on. I had female friends, but I had guys I hung out with. There was never anything odd about it. No crushes, or so I thought.

One day, after going to the movies, my friend acted very differently towards me, but I was stupid and young. I kind of missed the signs and went on my merry way thinking all was good, until he declared he loved me. That freaked me out to no end. I went into hiding and yet, for many years, he was relentless. So much so that his now wife jokes about it. Seven kids and years of marriage, (and she knows he loves her and I am not a threat) she said for the first few months he would purposely drive by my house and she knew he had a thing for me. It was odd.

So, maybe there is a bit of that blindsided feeling today and no, it was not a declaration of love, but still a WTF moment.

I received a text this morning and it was from my former coteacher. He took another job this year and I haven't seen, nor spoken to him since early June. We always talked about art or politics, but nothing of any real consequence. Nothing that would have made me pause. So, stupid here, just answered the text. Had I been thinking, I would have wondered how he got my number, as I never gave it to him. Nor had I given him permission to use it. But, no my instincts were clearly not working. It would be later that I realized he would have had the number from the group emergency chain for work last year. And, now knowing that it is even more uncomfortable for me, to a certain degree.

He told me about his new job and wondered if I wanted to get together and catch up. Sure, why not. Again, stupid me until he said something that sent off alarm bells and a OMG. The discomfort set in and I have to wiggle out of this one because I am not about to go out with this guy.

But, instead of processing it properly I had laughed about it all day because it seemed so absurd that this 27 year old would want to go tout with me. The truth is I replayed that whole thing in my head wondering how I missed something or what did I do to bring that on? I haven't had this happen in a long time and I had thought my instincts were back.

It was hitting me and then when the kids came in for dinner, I was surrounded by young men, not much older than this guy. I will admit, it sent me into a tailspin on top of some other things going on around me. I realized I was not okay with any of this sh!t.

While a few people have joked I should be flattered, the truth is I am far from that. He is not a bad guy, but what would possess him to want to date someone my age. It seems a bit extreme to me. If anything it is making it much worse for me in that it is just weird for me. He is too close to my kid's age and too close to the kids I teach at college. It was just feeling all the way around uncomfortable.

I texted my coworker, who used to commute in with this guy and ran it by him, asking him if there was something I somehow did to bring this on. At first my coworker laughed at me and joked, but then realized I was really quite upset. He said the only thing I ever did was say good morning and smile, and possibly have a conversation with him. He laughed and reminded me who this guy is and he is the most awkward guy who probably has rarely had a woman even talk to him. There is some truth to that, I suspect.

D was getting ready for bed and saw I had been crying. She brought me a cup of tea and just kissed my forehead. She didn't ask, but said she knows this whole new life I am living cannot be easy at times. She told me to get some rest.

I am working through forgiving myself for not immediately seeing the warning signs and for blowing off my real feelings at the time. I really should have dealt with them very differently instead of letting them fester and become a complete mind firetruck.

I keep coming back to how I thought my instincts and gut had returned and I missed this one - big time. It is not an easy thing for me to wrap my head around. And there is a little remnant of that feeling that this is how I dealt with some of Xh's antics, I laughed them off and avoided the real feelings bubbling up. That is probably a harder one for me to work past right now. I don't want to slip into that pattern ever again.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #134 on: October 13, 2019, 11:30:59 PM »
Don't beat yourself up too much Mourning, being hyper vigilant about every exchange is a bit too tiring to think about.

If you have a look at my thread, I recently went out with a man for coffee and was pretty taken by him until too many reg flags appeared and then I actually realised the red flags were there BEFORE I went for coffee.  I suppose just getting to a place in life where we would like someone to want us again is enough not to see some of those red flags until later.

Not too terrible, just human.  I do wonder where the nice guys are though?  None of the MLCer's are nice, and that's a lot of 50+ men out there, so are all the remainder of 'good' men married and happy or just too scared of women to ask them out? 

Hmmmmmmm..........
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #135 on: October 13, 2019, 11:51:52 PM »
Or very nice LBS?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #136 on: October 14, 2019, 01:45:34 AM »
One of the things that I have found is that while I am busy looking at the details (the mice around my ankles), a wolf has managed to sneak up to the sled and proceeds to bite me in the a$$.  When we are juggling so many different issues, Bat-Snot crazy Midlifers doing stupid stuff wrt our kids, house stuff, bills stuff, work stuff, it is very easy to be a little slow on the uptake in situations that come totally out of left field....

I think it may be called "being human?"

Your instincts are probably as good as you expected them to be but there was simply a bit of a time-lag due to everything else that was going on.

Getting out of the "agreement" shouldn't be too difficult - the guy should really have not had your number in the first place, to be blunt...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #137 on: October 14, 2019, 09:04:46 AM »
Savior Faire, Treasur & UrsaMajor - well, needless to say, my daughter took one look at me and was concerned because my eyes are clearly puffy from crying.

It seems pretty dramatic, I will admit. And, yes, I should forgive myself. There was a lot going on the moment that text came rolling in. I didn't stop to think "hmmmm" that is odd.

So, why the tears? I had to ask myself. In and of itself it was not some really inappropriate thing other than something he said that made me go "oh sh!t" and begin thinking I need to back out of this situation quickly. And that is not a huge issue. I can do that.

I found myself really thinking about who I am. How I am wired and why this set me off.

First of all, it settled into that "creepy" feeling for me. His age, the way he quite unknowingly broke my boundary of how I hand out my phone number. It is my own need for controlling my world.

This all comes down to reintroducing myself to who I am and that I am in inner circle person and I don't date. I have never "dated" in the truest sense of the word. I have always had to have a connection to consider that.

Now, for some that is confusing, because I do go out with men, but none of them have been what I would call a date. The best example I can give myself is the philosophy professor. We don't talk about the boundaries, we just innately know them. He and I know a little about each other's personal lives, but there is a stopping point. I enjoy his company and he, mine, but our outings may be limited to social gatherings of similar interest. There is no courtship, etc.

It is the same with my male colleagues. Certain topics are just off limits and there is a safety in that.

This reaction is all about how I have to realize, as it has been years since I have navigated this. The reality that most people don't operate like I do. That "dating" in the purest sense is "normal". I have never "dated". It was a problem I had to work through in high school and before I met Xh. I have gone on "one date" for things like prom or other events. But, if I look at my "dating" history, it is the same.

I need that connection to consider going out and opening myself up. This guy doesn't even come close to connection. And yet, I found myself stumbling into "sure, that would be fun" and then realizing I had accepted a date. Something I am not comfortable with.

I am never going to be a person that meets someone and slowly goes out on dates and it grows from there. I have to have a different basis. Art and politics are not the basis for me. They are conversations.

So, this is all about who I am and how most of the world operates. It is being thrown into this mix again.

I have never needed companionship. I can do okay on my own, but I do want it. But it is not a desire to fill a dance card to find that one person. This proves a bit challenging it would seem.

I am a person who finds a connection and if there are feelings, I tend to follow that path and see where it leads. In the past, some of those paths only lasted a couple of months, but I know that during those months I didn't juggle others. I don't juggle. Never have. The long term relationships were never with some trajectory in mind - that is I wasn't dreaming of a house and kids, etc. No china patterns picked out, etc. They were just "let's see where this goes" and I enjoyed that process. I was comfortable there.

The problems of course come in that not everyone operates that way. Society has an idea of how it should go. The other person on this path I may think I am on may have other ideas. That has been something I encountered in the past. And it isn't about my own plan somehow, or desires, this about understanding me. Who I am and how I function.

That stupid answer yesterday, when I realized what I had done was more about knowing my own discomfort and violating who I am. It is not the guy's fault, that is my reaction. Yes, he crossed a couple of lines, but they are my lines I set. And he didn't realize he crossed lines. I let him cross lines because my guard was down and didn't let my instincts kick in.

Maybe I had a moment of wondering if there was something wrong with me yesterday. Other people are able to function that way, so why can't I.

That inner circle is not always about some romance. There are some people who are in that innermost circle who I would never consider a relationship with. But there is a security and a connection that I can't explain. Trying to explain how I operate is often misconstrued.

Some think it means I have had some childhood trauma and issues, when it is just who I am. How I am wired. My F is the same way.  While others will think it means I have some agenda and am on some quest to find the right one. That isn't it either.

And, it got me thinking about my marriage. Xh and I dated for 6 years. There were a couple of times we were apart for an extended time. The first was a bit of a break up, as it was a new relationship. We both started seeing other people very briefly when after about 4 months of no communication we found our way back to each other. From then on it was just he and I. We didn't start talking about marriage and long term until we had been together for about 6 years. And it was the second time we broke up, when the discussions started and I realized I wanted more and wondered if Xh could give me that. We broke up for about 2 weeks and then he sent me the most obscenely large flower arrangement to my work, which he knew would actually tick me off. I didn't like attention, but he certainly got my attention.

This morning, I am just realizing part of my uneasiness is feeling like I thought I had myself figured out. And I did years ago. It worked for me back then. But, I had similar feelings as a teenager and young woman thinking I was going about it all wrong. But, for me it is the only way.

Having been shaken from a long term marriage and put into this situation again is feeling a bit too familiar perhaps and realizing I am the one who has to adapt. I have to realize the rest of society has other ideas. I have to be true to myself, but accept not everyone is going to understand how I operate.

I know that "date" I accepted in a moment of not thinking is not going to ever work for me. I don't date. LOL

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #138 on: October 14, 2019, 09:30:27 AM »
Imho one of the stickiest residues of trauma is that it leads us to doubt and question how we operate in the world and if that's ok. Questioning is often helpful bc it helps us see who we are and what matters most. Doubt is normal but rarely so helpful. And we are doing all of that in reaction to a life changing often pretty peculiar sets of events that RL folks have an opinion about and where we have been treated often with contempt.

Fwiw...I think you are quite right. Nothing wrong with who you are or your inner circle approach. Sod anyone else's opinion. If you get to a point where you want to adapt it you can. And the way this guy approached you is just more evidence that he already doesn't get who you are...not his fault just how it is. But others will and you already know what it feels like when people do.

So imho treat it as a doubt hiccup for you and a poor try by him. Nothing more  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #139 on: October 14, 2019, 10:48:06 AM »
Treasur - that is a large part of it - that it was a hiccup.

It was my D coming in after her classes followed by S who stopped in during his lunch break to check on me that maybe made me realize what a complete mess I am. And it makes no sense. Not really.

Yet, I reread my own weekend. It was not horrible but I had my Saturday "event" of having to defend my family. A bit too close to defending my home against OW, I suspect.

Then the former coworker adding into the mix.

And then of course, Xh's treatment of S and this whole nonsense, which I was ticked off about.

None, of which I had really processed properly. I laughed them all off. And maybe I should have taken a walk to flush out the emotions. I didn't. Instead, I just pushed forward, joking about it. Clearly, I had a toxic mix brewing.

When S said he stopped in to see if I was any better, he noted he had not seen my eyes that puffy since Xh left. And, strangely, that whole stupid moment yesterday with that date simply was the tipping point. That feeling of being blindsided. I didn't see it coming, much like I didn't see Xh's BD#1 or 2. And yet, I somehow felt they were coming. I doubted my instincts.

I can forgive myself for all of this, but now I am just thrown by how much the situation rattled me. I am not used to being rattled and feeling like my legs were kicked out from under me.

And to question who I am and how I operate, threw me back into that feeling right after BD, like there is something so wrong with who I am.

It is not like I shouldn't grow and change.

In the calm of the house today, I see that it is all probably pretty irrational thinking on my part. I have shaken out the last tears and maybe am okay with who I am, my core. but I am not liking that this shook me up. I just don't get it. And, I know it will pass, and I won't be crying for weeks on end like BD and MLC. It is just so odd.

You know, I never did answer UrsaMajor about my plans for the money I got. LOL. My original plans changed because the weekend filled up and my Tuesday/Wednesday is now looking like I need to be here for the roof being replaced.

I will be going to figure drawing on Wednesday. I paid for the dog's license and I bought an amazing front door, and used some of the money for the upgrade and got what I wanted. LOL.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #140 on: October 15, 2019, 04:24:54 AM »
So, the Pajama Day is over and, wow! You mean that you too are human and subject to the occasional pajama day too?

There is absolutely NOTHING "wrong" with you... The text appears simply to be the straw that broke the camels back or, as they say in Germany, the drop that caused the barrel to overflow...

And, who you are is JUST fine... Not everyone will get that. That is OK. Not everyone NEEDS to get that... but the people that do will understand...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #141 on: October 15, 2019, 09:27:55 AM »
UrsaMajor - well, I won't say that I went so far as donning pajamas all day, but then I am not one to wear pajamas - Hahaha. Okay, that shall be no doubt interpreted in a variety of ways, and I am going to leave it alone.  ::)

No, I got up, showered and put on what best can be described as a "yah, whatever" outfit. Yoga pants and an oversized sweater. Hair up in a loose ponytail and I think I at one point put on some mascara, but even waterproof mascara does not hold up to tears like Niagara Falls. I was one mess yesterday.

I was okay for the most part, in terms of I didn't cry all day, but I do know I had a few bursts like a broken pipe that someone attempted to fix.

IDK, maybe I just needed a good cry. It all seemed like just too much.

And the problem is, when a trigger sets you off like that, you feel like you must be a crazy person. It is hard to know sometimes what is normal, what was normal and is this the new normal.

Part of my underlying frustrations were feeling a bit stuck by life's events. My windows are on back order. No biggie. The insurance company for the construction company is now jerking me around, trying to convince me to put it on my homeowner's policy and pay for it upfront and once the "investigation is done" it will be paid by the proper parties - yah, my a$$ - not playing that game.

I am supposed to be applying for this new job opportunity and I just didn't have it in me yesterday. Everything just came to a complete halt and all because of this event that seems on the surface so utterly miniscule. But, at the time, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

And mind firetruck, I did. So well, that I found myself a complete mess yesterday. Drained and I think I did some things around the house. D says I accomplished a lot, but I can't even begin to see it. I in fact laughed when I decided to draw a hot bath, as I was alone for a couple of hours last night. No sooner had I filled the tub, did I realize that sometime over the weekend, we were without power in the neighborhood due to an accident on another road, that the timer for the hot water heater was off by several hours. I filled my tub with cold water. Lots of magnificent bubbles, and cold water. No, I drained the tub and did not climb in, as I am not quite that insane - yet. I waited for the water to heat up and drew another bath, this time, I had one glass of wine before the bath and polished off half a bottle before the end of my bath. Yah, it was that type of night. D came home and laughed at me, knowing this is not a normal event and said she wouldn't judge.

When I got to work this morning it was sunny out and as I was walking to the building I caught up with my coworker. He said I looked really tired. I looked over my sunglasses and laughed telling him to shut up. He then asked if I was going out on that date. I am not sure what the look was but he could see it wasn't terribly funny to me. He apologized and asked if I was okay. I recounted my meltdown. He gave me a quick "buddy" hug and asked if I was okay today. I said I was better after shaking it all out and feeling like a crazy person. He then joked, so was I going or what? He knew it would land him a light punch and a "you really are a jerk" response. He knew I was kidding.

My first class brought me back to earth when the one student who comes into my room to get away from the world was sitting and waiting for me. Talk about a leveler. My problems are nothing and it was embarrassing to think my weekend was hijacked by nonsense and this kid is dealing with where he is going to land. Never knowing the safest place to live. We talked a bit and I said he knows I can't help him solve those issues, but he can come and just be in my room, no questions asked. (The other faculty know the situation and we are all giving him some latitude). I then asked was there something I could do for him in that moment though that might help him with his day. He asked if I had my card reader for cameras with me. I did. He wanted to download his newest pictures for me to see and critique.

The simplicity in that request is pretty humbling. He was so happy in that moment to show what he had done in the midst of his insane home life.

My second class was pretty quiet, especially after I informed them that I do in fact read their proposals for their art project and I may be sharing them all as part of the presentation to the principal. I hadn't read them yet, but I knew all too well that I would have a couple of the jokesters who had no doubt tried to see if they could rile me up. I wasn't in a mood for more rattling. I had the 2 jokesters, one being the kid who tried to push my buttons over D, came up after class and and asked if I would edit their entries for them. I laughed and said "no". They were panicked. I said I would however consider a second proposal if they had it done in the next 15 minutes and submitted. I smiled and said to them that this should be a warning that I do have a sense of humor most of the time, but there is a time and place for it, and that they would be wise to figure out those times.

I am not 100% - that whole event Sunday, into yesterday left me completely worn out. But, I am better. I do know that I need to allow myself time to digest these events and work through the emotions when they pop up. I let too many of them brew. I laughed off too much of it and tried to convince myself things weren't bothering me. I should have given myself permission to take a walk or get in the car and escape for a bit. I didn't. I was on this mission to accomplish things.

I really should have just figured out a way to go away for a day or 2, even when life's events changed. The next 3 weekends, I am partially committed to college tours for D, in her quest to transfer. Luckily, they are mainly early morning, couple of hour events and nearby. The only one that is a bit farther is to my alma mater, and I told D that she is just going to have to put up with my desire to possibly skulk around the campus. She laughed and then reminded me of the last time we were there. She asked if I was going to be okay with it.

It would have been right after BD#1. We met friends of ours and their kids who were visiting for a college tour for their eldest. We put on the good facade of happiness. It was miserable.

I paused when D asked me the question. Xh and I have a lot of history on that campus. But he transferred the year after I did. He came to visit  a great deal, but I had a year on my own. And, I told D that I had a lot of memories that had nothing to do with Xh. Sundays, where I would go to the music department and listen to free concerts. Working in the college chapel for a Rabbi who I thought the world of and who got angry with the one young man who was appalled a Catholic was answering the phones and working in the office. He told the kid to get over it, as I could work their holidays. When the kid left, he smiled at me and said not to worry, not everyone behaved like idiots.

And, I have happy memories of Xh and I at campus. But, really if I think about it, many of the memories were my own. Xh and I were partners, but not joined at the hip. We were much more interdependent. We worked on projects not as a couple but often in the same studio space or his apartment and just helped each other.

I assured D that the last visit there has not somehow jaded me on that campus. It was one day in a long list of positives that outweigh that one negative. I told her that besides, if she chooses that campus, I will have reason to really become a rabid college basketball fan again. She rolled her eyes. I am not so sure I should have told her that. LOL.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 09:31:34 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #142 on: October 15, 2019, 06:36:35 PM »
How very bizarre. I freaked out over all of the things this weekend piling up and yet, this has not set me off in the least.

Maybe I cried so many tears, I have none left or worked out my feelings. IDK. Or, perhaps, this was actually less shocking at this point in time. Perhaps, because in many ways, I have accepted that MLC was rolling in before BD. Maybe, those things don't quite shock me as much any more.

In the quest to continue purging and to truly reclaim the house and our lives, the den had some cabinets that have housed papers that have just been hiding away. Out of sight, out of mind. But, I am ready to really get some of these things that mean nothing to me out of here. There are some documents that are client work that I can use for my own portfolio, as there are cut sheets with my illustrations on them. I began to pull the one cabinet apart.

The timing is probably good. My shredder is already getting a work out. I could be nasty and dump these on Xh's door. I could give some of them to my neighbor to drop off at Xh's remaining client's office, as there are countless binders. In the binders are all sorts of classified documents that Xh designed. PR campaigns, and such.

But, I am not that type of person. I know that the confidential information is just that and I respect those clients, even if Xh has burned bridges.

The local county offices are having a shredding event, so I decided that is my plan, but I went through the binders to make sure my work was saved for my own use.

And out it fell, an envelope. In the envelope were receipts from 2014, just several months before BD #1. Right before my grandmother's funeral in December of 2014. Receipts for a hotel and dinner receipts.

It was a business trip. That was not a lie. However, back in that December, I knew when Xh left right after my grandmother's funeral, on Christmas Eve to meet OW. He told me he was meeting a friend for lunch and then delivering a gift he had made on behalf of OW for her H. A piece of artwork she commissioned. I knew then something was "off".

OW had been "helping" at this client's business with Xh. Working on projects.

But there it was in plain sight. Not only Xh's name, but a second name on the dinner receipt. And 2 people in the room. It was too easy to see that OW had been on that trip. It makes perfect sense.

And then there was January, when OW sent inappropriate pictures of another woman to Xh and some other things. Xh said they were jokes. I knew better, but I simply put it out of my head.

Those things went into my personal shredder. I am not upset. I knew back then. Maybe I am okay with it because it confirms I was not crazy like Xh tried to convince me months later when I asked him how long it had been going on. He lied then too. He said not long.

But there lies the proof. It had been going on easily as long as I suspected.

Hearing the shredder chew up those documents was enough to get rid of any residual anger. I just no longer care about MLC and the lies that were told.

D was smiling, clearly unaware what I was shredding. She was happy to see some of the cabinets cleared of the countless binders that mean nothing to any of us any longer. She had done some decorating on her day off, putting my new rug down in the den and asking if we could change the paint color.

It was rather funny, she had to admit that she loves the rug that she stuck her nose up when I bought it. She couldn't see how I thought it would go in the den. She said once she unrolled it she realized I had been thinking about the piece of artwork that hangs on the wall and the patterning in the foliage. The colors and patterns in the rug compliment the travel poster. She said to me that she got it now and the paint colors I had in mind make total sense now. I haven't seen her this excited in a long time.

When I was cleaning out the cabinets, she and her BF were sitting on the new rug watching TV. The dog and D's cat, George were snuggled at their feet. D declared she likes the coziness of the room.

She was saying this as I shredded the last receipt. It seemed to be well timed. Out with the old and in with the new, as the cliché goes.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #143 on: October 15, 2019, 08:04:10 PM »
Having our suspicions confirmed is a good thing.  Proves we were not crazy after all.  If you'd found those receipts closer to BD, imagine how you would have reacted then!, I don't think the shredder would have seen any action ;)  maybe you could have shredded your H instead for his lies ;D

The munching sound of the shredder must have been very satisfying, definitely out with the old stuff that once would have sent us into a spin.  Isn't detachment a wonderful thing, no wonder we recommend it for the newbies.  Detachment is so much easier later on and so much more needed at the beginning.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #144 on: October 15, 2019, 09:30:09 PM »
Savoir Faire - Detachment really is a wonderful thing when it comes to the MLCer. And, you are right, I think I found some odd comfort seeing the pure insanity and the lies right in front of me. It would have been horrible at BD, but now, it is a confirmation of how insane Xh was at the time and I was not imagining some of the things.

I got through the first of the four cabinets and emptied out 15 binders and countless folders. What struck me is how my once very organized Xh, had things in this cabinet that made no sense whatsoever. Folders labeled one thing and inside the contents were a hodgepodge of items. Just like, I suspect his brain was functioning. And, the folders before MLC really rolled in, were not only organized by month, but were carefully placed in some type of order. They read like a history document. The MLC time period folders were pure scattered and no rhyme or reason.

I kept some papers that I will need. Some binders with house projects and those items that need closer inspection. I may not need all of the documents, but they require less of a slash and burn approach. But, that pile is relatively small. The box was full to take to the shredding event. I anticipate the trunk of my car may be full by week's end with things to get rid of.

I did find some items that were projects near and dear to Xh's heart. Things that were done before MLC. One in particular would have been one of the last projects he did with his very best friend, a photographer whose untimely death was part of the big fuse of MLC. I set that aside. I considered giving it to MLC Xh, but realize he would probably destroy it and it is something that was some of his best work. It was also something S was a big part of. S was maybe 5 or 6 at the time, but he would remember then photoshoot. I put it in a box for S to perhaps frame a few of the photos for his own place some day. It would be a shame to completely destroy those negatives and part of his childhood.

And then there was the folder full of pure insanity. A dental bill which tells me a great deal. Xh had paid for special processes on his teeth and spent a fortune the month he and OW were really kicking into full swing. The receipt for the Audi he just came home without discussing. Well, he discussed it with OW - she said he deserved it, I was left out of that discussion.  ::) All of his receipts from paid invoices from clients for that year. He might need those in an audit. More documents that really should be in his possession for his corporation. Seems I am housing all of his tax receipts for his corporation for the years prior to MLC and beyond. My name is not attached to that company and we quit filing taxes together when he formed the corporation. So, I was at a bit of a loss on that one. Do I box them up and put a bow on the box and give them to him for his upcoming birthday?  ::) I set those aside. I am really not sure how I am feeling about that.

And then I found one that was oh so telling. I remember the night. He came home very late, as in the wee hours of the morning. It was what I once confirmed as the first night he and OW spent the night at a hotel. And the agitation makes more sense now. He had promised to be home by 2 am. It was closer to 4 am and he was ticked. Well, I now know that in order to get home, he apparently needed to break the speed limit, as in doing 115 in his new Audi in a 55 mile an hour zone. The thing is, it is an area where he would have known you never sped through, as it was right at the change into a residential area and is heavily patrolled all times of the day. All the locals know that. The court stub was there. They let him plead it down to a 90 in a 55 so he could keep his license. And the fine was there too, all paid for.

It really has been a bit of a peak into the crazy going on at that time. I was just trying to make sense of it all at BD and the months after. Thinking I was the one out of my mind. Lead to believe I was imagining things or called horrible things to avoid him taking any responsibility for his own actions. It would be when all the blame and criticisms just ramped right up.

Those items won't be taken to the local shred day. I have gotten a certain satisfaction out of hearing the shredder just grind away. They need to leave my presence.

Yes, detachment is a remarkable thing. Now if only the triggers would leave for good - LOL.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #145 on: October 16, 2019, 12:45:20 AM »
It's horrible to go back over those nights when we knew something was wrong.  The deceit is the worst part, as they would lie if we asked for the truth.

Funny isn't it, that both our H's had dental work for the ow when they couldn't be bothered for us.  My  XH was terrified of dentists, to the extent where he would faint or at least have a dizzy spell after the procedure.  He really does need help from a good therapist, he has SOOOOO much wrong with him.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #146 on: October 16, 2019, 12:51:20 AM »
Glad your shredder got a workout, Mourning....although of course a nice wood burner fire works even better lol.

Quote
It really has been a bit of a peak into the crazy going on at that time. I was just trying to make sense of it all at BD and the months after. Thinking I was the one out of my mind. Lead to believe I was imagining things or called horrible things to avoid him taking any responsibility for his own actions

This was what struck me most though.
Perhaps there was a gift in finding these things bc you are far enough away to not be distressed by them but close enough to remember your own internal sense of 'off' at the time. A salutary reminder that your instincts were absolutely sound and that there was nothing wrong with you...but a lot wrong with your then h.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #147 on: October 16, 2019, 03:45:03 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
UrsaMajor - well, I won't say that I went so far as donning pajamas all day, but then I am not one to wear pajamas - Hahaha. Okay, that shall be no doubt interpreted in a variety of ways, and I am going to leave it alone.

You really DID go down that road, didn't you? <snort>

This was what struck me most though.
Perhaps there was a gift in finding these things bc you are far enough away to not be distressed by them but close enough to remember your own internal sense of 'off' at the time. A salutary reminder that your instincts were absolutely sound and that there was nothing wrong with you...but a lot wrong with your then h.

^^^THIS^^^

You were worried about your instincts being off and here is proof that they were spot on then so are probably spot on now... Maybe a little time-lagged if you are up to your eyeballs in stuff at any one moment but still...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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