Author Topic: My Story Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"  (Read 737 times)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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My Story Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« on: August 10, 2019, 06:40:40 PM »
I put my "Reassembling" away for the time being and some of the pieces have been put in that 3rd drawer. In many ways, I have been so focused on putting things back together and trying to make sense of what life keeps throwing my way - D changing schools, etc. I have to a certain degree lost a bit of my own focus.

Not making time or taking time for myself the way I should, etc. It has been a problem for me ever since the kids were little. I put myself at the bottom of the list. It is an easy trap to fall into, and when you have an Xh in MLC who is more of a hinderance than a coparent the pressure to be the stable parent sometimes takes over too much.

This morning I woke up after a very bizarre dream. There are parts I don't remember, but some I do and they make some sense and yet are confusing. I am not going to obsess on it, other than it was so vivid at times.

I was creating a dining room in my house. There were holes in the floorboards that seemed to not go to a basement, but to an endless pit. I was realizing I needed to fix the floor before I began doing any decorating. I stepped out of the room for a moment and Xh showed up and decided I needed to have his M's china set. (It wasn't the actual set she owned). I came back to find this room, that I had wanted to be a multipurpose/dining room that was more of an understated elegance, was instead covered with garish gold plates and a hutch full of gold decorated plates and saucers, gold flatware, gold trimmed cloth napkins and fake gilded flowers in the center. The table made Versailles look understated. Xh was insisting I needed to keep it this way.

I got pissed and took a walk and ended up in a city I didn't recognize, but every corner had a flat iron building and an Edward Hopper-esc diner on each street. The crosswalks were incredibly long and it was dusk, but there were no street lights. I started to cross the one crosswalk as there were no cars coming, and the sign said to go when a white delivery car sped through the intersection and I stopped, jumping back slightly as it blew past me. A woman was driving and it had out of state plates - ones I recognized - on it. I thought that meant I was in a different state, but all the other plates were different from that one, but clearly from the same state, although I am not sure which state.

I woke up and felt myself sitting there this morning wondering WTF that was about and what had I eaten or had to drink last night.

Then my cellphone pinged and it was my coworker. He wanted to say hello and told me to have a good day. He was with his kid today and I had to work. I didn't ask, nor did he about getting together any time soon. It was unusual though, as he doesn't often just text to check in.

I found myself in a bit of a strange mood and knowing it could go either way. I had to work this afternoon and I decided I needed to curtail any feelings of "meh" that were coming on. So, I went downstairs, attacked some of the chores I needed to do and S got up as I was in the midst of things. His friend came to pick him up and was watching me fly around and S said to stay out of my way, I was clearly beyond "seize the day" and in the "gonna kick the sh!t out of this day" mode. I had to laugh - it was probably accurate.

I went upstairs and tried to find something to put on for work. It was cooler out, so I opted for dark wash skinny jeans, a black sleeveless top and a cropped jacket which is very sedate, with the exception of gold zippers on the side. It is one of those jackets that people are always commenting on because it is a bit of a surprise. I decided on the only jewelry being a pair of gold hoops. I started to grab a pair of red shoes and then looked to see a box in the corner of the closet. In that box was a pair of shoes I inherited from a friend who bought them for an event, never, ever wore them and said they realized they were too high for them. I remember bringing them home and in the past Xh would have known I could pull them off. It was MLC time though and I was told all sorts of lovely things. I was not able to find my own strength to just wear them and have fun.

Today, I smiled and said I was no longer going to keep them in the box. So, my black stiletto heels with a leopard print and peep toe came out and I was out the door. S's friend on the way out to my car laughed and said I looked like I meant business.  S shook his head and just smiled and had a wager as to what music would be on when I started the car. Yah, he was right, it started with "Whiskey in the Jar" by Metallica. He laughed.

Yes, my business today was to keep myself from getting caught up in my own head. That was the truth.

I arrived at work and my intern laughed saying he never knows what to expect with me and it is a good surprise. We worked on Facebook posts most of the afternoon. He posted and I proofed them. We had a few customers and the afternoon was winding down. I went to put some paintings in our storage area and came back down stairs. I had already made the intern laugh when I was fixing the countertop by drilling new brackets, all while dressed up. It was just saw dust, no biggie.  ::)

I came back down the stairs and said that was it, I couldn't stand it any more and threw my stilettos in the corner, took off my jacket, pulled a hair tie out of my bag. As I started up the stairs, my intern started laughing hysterically and wanted to know what I was up to. I told him he would have to wait and see. He heard lots of rustling about and I came back down and said to go see. He came back down and said, he didn't realize we had a loft and shelving. Yah, I realized that too when I nearly tripped over a bunch of boxes and figured what has happened is people just throw things upstairs and we had a haphazard stack.

As I pulled myself together and put my outfit back to it's original state, out of his mouth came the words, "you are an enigma". I shook my head and said that has been a popular word this week. He laughed and said it was actually refreshing and he too is that way, so it made him feel comfortable knowing I am not a cookie cutter person. He has struggled for years and is becoming comfortable in being himself.

So, on my way home, I thought about it. Being an enigma.

I am not a mystery on purpose. It is not a "put up walls" to protect myself. I never actually thought too much about it growing up in terms of being this or that. I was who I was. It is only after MLC have I heard this from people, or at least maybe I am just paying more attention and aware of the comment.

I am open on the forum and maybe people "know" more about me. I don't fit in that perfect box. People have wanted to label me as one thing or another and I guess I just don't share everything with everyone. It is often because I have been in situations in my life, ie: a black tie event at a client's where discussing anything like being able to use a cut off wheel never came up. I don't hide it. I have different ways that I dress that confuse others as well. Some have tried to categorize it as artsy. LOL. Yah, I work in an art department, I know "artsy" - I am not artsy. I am more of a chameleon in that there are days I might show up in some very feminine dress and the next day I am wearing something completely on the opposite side of the wheel. I have my own sense of style and have always been that way.

It is my own sense of self. I had never questioned it up until MLC.

I am maybe just amused at this new "revelation" and it is not that I am trying to be mysterious. I think it is almost humorous now to hear that I surprise people.

My coworker, when I mentioned it last night, he laughed and I am full of surprises and that is refreshing.

I guess I need to keep embracing being who I am - and I need to get back to allowing time for that person.  :)

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10932.150
« Last Edit: August 10, 2019, 06:42:32 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2019, 09:37:23 AM »
The original plan was that I was going to make dinner for S, his one friend and S's GF last night. But, they changed plans on me and S felt bad. I was not upset and assured him it was not a big deal, as it was a loose ended thing when we discussed it.

S and his friends went to a tractor & truck pull last night instead. It is one of the bigger events of this type in the area and last night it must have been tough for hard core country fans to decide because there were 2 concert venues nearby offering country music. I know when I left the gallery the traffic was very heavy and I laughed at the number of trucks in this city. It is not a city normally known for trucks on lift kits, etc, as the summer tourism is most often higher end SUVs and convertibles. And, of course there are those who go to the country music shows that look more like the "Electric Cowboy" and are trying to fit in. If nothing else, it is often fun to just go people watch.

I was tempted to go to one of the concerts, but decided against it as I was in no mood for tons of people.

S came home very late and had a smile on his face. They had so much fun and I was glad to see him in a good mood. Earlier in the day he was in a bit of a rut and I found out from his friend what was bothering S a bit. His friend said S acted like he was excited about it, but underneath the excitement, his friend said he couldn't help but notice there was something more.

Xh was very excited to share with S that his MG was accepted into a special parade S and Xh always went to. It is a judged event and you have to make the first cut to even be considered to participate. So, Xh's car is of that caliber. That doesn't surprise me and it shows he actually finished something. I guess that is progress  ::)

The problems I see with this are multi-faceted. First of all we have the fact that Xh did this without S, and had promised to work on it together many years ago and while Xh was living here, before MLC really took hold, that was true. That didn't happen.

Now Xh is driving it around and beeping as he passes the house, but doesn't stop to see what S is working on. Nor has he offered to help S restore his MG. Not that it is a priority, but that was part of the deal and the original plan was they would try to get them done to ride in the parade together.

To add to this both S and Xh always went to this event together. Two years ago, Xh "ran into" OW, so S was with the 2 of them most of the day. This year S won't be able to go because he has college classes on the day of the parade and them semester will have just started.

In a normal situation, that would simply be one of those times where as a parent you could say "that is how things go sometimes". However, this is a more delicate thing. This is not about the parade or event, it goes much deeper.

It is in those moments where I just shake my head and go WTF?

I have to wonder if any of this enters Xh's mind. Or will he be proud as a peacock and so self absorbed at this event that he won't even give it a thought. In some ways, I hope it hits him hard as he is driving in this event - by himself. Not to punish him but to somehow slap him hard enough to realize the pain he is causing his kids.

The reality is though, I know even if he does "see it" he will continue to avoid facing that pain and will put on the good facade in public.

For me, it is an exercise in trying to realize I may be rather indifferent at times, but the kids are still feeling the effects of MLC more than I am.

This morning I was thinking I would like in many ways to not ever have to see Xh again at this point, only because right now he just brings aggravation to my life. It would be easier for me to move away from the MLC madness.

I have to remind myself that the kids are going to have to learn on their own what boundaries to put in place and if this keeps up, how to detach from the crisis version of their F. It is not easy to bite my tongue.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2019, 10:08:47 AM »
Attaching as always, Mourning.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2019, 12:11:52 PM »
I had the dog for this morning for a couple of short walks, but that clearly did not meet her expectations. She filed her complaints with me and I just returned from a longer walk. It was enjoyable, but I was mildly annoyed it disrupted the project I finally found motivation to do.

I realized this is part of what people find confusing about me at times. I attack projects at work and other places, but behind closed doors I have moments of procrastinating, especially now that MLC ran me aground for awhile. I find the MLC projects Xh left behind often take extra energy to tackle. And it is not even so much a trigger as I have to fight that bit of aggravation and questioning "why, just why" did he do these things, as pre MLC he never would have put a piece of styrofoam and screwed it into the wall to keep the pocket door from coming off it's track. It is not seen by anyone else, but it makes no sense and when I discover these little things, I have to overcome the feeling of "great, more stupid things that need fixed".

Once I accomplish them, they remove the annoyance and make the house more "mine".

I think the dream about the holes in the floor are in many ways about these stupid little things I keep finding. S is finding them as well. Some we laugh at. It is tough when Xh used to be so picky about finish work. But now, I could easily say that most of the projects Xh took on in MLC remain anywhere from 50-80% complete because they are just not done, or he did some stupid fix.

I stopped by my parent's house. My M asked me a question that had to do with D on vacation. D was very open about Xh and her issues. The overall context is not important but when my M said to me "why do you suppose he does that"? I gave the answer that I have often quit speculating. My M is a fixer. I never was a fixer, but I have said it before, I did enable later in the relationship. I told my M that it is not that I don't care. It is not bitterness, but my own self preservation at this point to push those thoughts out of my mind as much as possible. I post about them, as a way to release them from my thoughts, because in all honesty, any interaction with Xh makes me say over and over "what was he thinking" or "what is it going to take".

My M could see I didn't want to talk about it. I told her I understood she is still maybe grappling with this, as she is just now seeing it clearer, but I would like to be able to move forward with my life and not continually ask myself "why" in regards to Xh. My M finally said she sees now that I am not wrong in being able to see clearly that Xh is in fact following the path his F took.

My M said she thinks it will take a miracle for Xh to come to his senses. I answered it will take that and a lot of hard work. I said if I ever see that happen I will be the first to drop to my knees and say "Hallelujah". And it is only for my kids' sake and perhaps Xh's sake, because maybe then the madness can stop.

I walked home and thought about part of my desire for more distance. I can forgive and have, but the forgetting is much tougher. In the early days of monster, pre joining HS, I was mentally beaten down. Being an "enigma" was now a bad thing. The very reasons Xh loved me were all wrong. He compared me to OW, even before starting a PA with her. Nothing I did was good enough. I was told what I would become. What I was not. What I was.

Some of the criticisms were not without merit, as I am human and have flaws. But, in the past he would have called most quirks or embraced those aspects. This level of criticism was not like "hey, I wish you wouldn't do that" or normal complaints people have when they have been together. These cut to the core. I twisted myself up into knots trying to appease the monster, until I didn't know who I was.

The longer he has been in this "state" of MLC, I just don't see how I could ever trust him. I have a large amount of faith in people, but the truth is even if he were to start showing me with actions, that level of trust is so shredded to bits, like it has been put through a wood chipper. My own sense of self was destroyed by allowing myself to become a victim of his MLC that I cannot go down that path again. Call it fear. Call it whatever you want.

The more I realize how hard it was for me to become okay with being who I am again the less I want to do with Xh. I will always love the man who was, and I don't regret so many of those years.

This "enigma" is in a much better place and maybe some day another will embrace having someone who confuses the hell out of some people - LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2019, 05:00:57 PM »
Before BD #1, when I thought we were just "going through a rough patch" and I was convinced I couldn't do anything right and questioning everything about myself Xh and I were invited to a dinner.

The neighbors directly east of us had 4 boys. I babysat all 4 of them at one point when I was in high school. It has been funny thinking back because first of all when that couple first moved in, they swore they didn't want kids. They ended up being very good parents and the oldest of the 2 boys were really only about 10 years younger than I was, but when you are 16, and the oldest was 10 it seemed like a huge age difference. So, it is always funny when someone asks me how I know one of the guys now.

The second oldest was always my favorite. He had a gleam in his eye and was so curious about things. He wanted to know everything about my F's work. He was always smiling. Health problems plagued him in his 20s and yet, he always had a smile on his face. Now nearly 40, he is a F to 3 daughters. One who is S's age and the other 2 are in 2nd grade and kindergarten. He is a phenomenal F. I see him most often at his job as a chef.

The other boys all have kids and the neighbor lady watches all of the grandchildren during the week. She clearly loves being retired and a grandma.

The second oldest used to come over with his W and kids and they would visit often. Xh and he built a spectacular farm table out of barn timbers. It is a huge table, over 6 ft in length and to thank Xh, this guy invited us for dinner. He and his W were renovating an old farm house.

It was a lovely dinner and yet, I recall that on the way home there was a sinking feeling in my stomach. It would be about a month later that BD #1 came.

I see the families often outside and when I am walking the dog, the kids come running, often shrieking in delight wanting to pet my very eager dog. My dog has never been one to turn down attention. She doesn't know her own strength, so she will practically pull me over if I am not prepared.

Tonight, I stopped and we talked about the divorce a bit. He showed me pictures of their current kitchen renovation and I saw the table had been moved to the kitchen area. I was glad it was being loved and the girls now do their homework while the parents cook meals.

I noticed the second grader had her nose in a book. I asked her and she proudly said she loves to read. I told them I would be back and brought a stack of books that D had cleaned out recently. I have a slew of things that both kids have been sorting through and have been ready to donate them, but this was far better. The twinkle that her F has in is the second grader's eyes as well. She is a carbon copy of him.

When I had returned with the books, I had also been smart enough to bring biscuits with me and each kid got to make the dog do her routine. She sat and let them shake her paw among her other little entertaining antics. The kids were having such a good time. And the dog was clearly loving the biscuits. I don't think the dog realized I had broken them into small pieces and it really wasn't any more than she usually gets.  ::)

I walked home feeling a sense of calm and perhaps a desire to attack some of the projects plaguing me. What helped was the guy telling me they had a leak in their ceiling and discovered the problem. It required pulling down the ceiling. But as they pulled the ceiling down, they found not one layer, but 5 layers of ceiling and the wiring was wrong.

I decided maybe I need to reset my brain at times, perhaps fooling myself and seeing these things as if I had bought the house myself and am a new owner. I need to try and let go of the frustrations of the MLC projects. It doesn't mean there won't be grumbling, but maybe I can somehow make it easier to release the frustration if I remind myself that I did in fact buy the house on my own now. It is mine and all the problems that go with it left from the previous owners in part - albeit it was Xh and myself - LOL.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2019, 05:05:51 AM »
One thing at a time now......



Quote from: MourningDove
I have to wonder if any of this enters Xh's mind. Or will he be proud as a peacock and so self absorbed at this event that he won't even give it a thought. In some ways, I hope it hits him hard as he is driving in this event - by himself. Not to punish him but to somehow slap him hard enough to realize the pain he is causing his kids.

My money is going on

because, for him to realize how his actions are affecting his kids, he would have to focus somewhere else than on himself and since it is all about "ME ME ME ME ME!" at the moment, he simply can't/won't see/acknowledge it to himself...


Quote from: MourningDove
My M said she thinks it will take a miracle for Xh to come to his senses. I answered it will take that and a lot of hard work.
And maybe a 2x4 upside his head.....
Me - 56
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S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2019, 09:28:51 AM »
UrsaMajor - Well, if "Mona" says so  ::) LOL  Should have known you would find an enigma giphy. Hahaha

Well, for whatever reason I was wide awake very late. I found myself up until 1:30 am and spent a bit of time chatting with my friend abroad, who scolded me for still being up.

I can't attribute the sleeplessness to anything in particular.

S and his friend insisted they were going to install my dishwasher for me and I was to just sit back and relax while this happened. Of course, like any project it became a bit of a bigger job, but it is in and now I have to put in additional moulding around the sides of the cabinet. It is maybe a good thing, as it will push me to do a mini-renovation on my kitchen.

I love the kitchen, but it is overdue for some just basic maintenance. I need to reseal the African slate flooring and the windows need to be replaced. The house had all new windows, but the kitchen was on the list before MLC for replacements.

I have been making an "attack list" for projects this fall. The windows, with some help from S or possibly the neighbor kid are a project I can tackle. They are on the lower part of the house and because of the deck, they are easier to manage.

I woke up feeling refreshed even with the late night. The sun is out. The water was boiling for my coffee and I went out on the back deck to see if the pond needed any topping off. I had trimmed the peach tree, which last year bore 3 peaches and I noticed the darn thing is loaded with peaches this year. They are rather small, maybe double the size of an apricot, but they are definitely peaches. I had to laugh because Xh was going to cut it down at one point because he was convinced it was never going to bare fruit. The nursery said that it sometimes takes time and the kids and I convinced Xh that even if it never bore fruit it was a lovely little tree. The kids are going to be happy to see those little peaches.

I have missed having a garden, but I am not able to manage the flower gardens and such on my own as of yet. I have to be gentle with myself on that front. I keep reminding myself that I have had a lot going on with trying to get D back on track, etc. that I am only one person.

It is tough at times because I know my grandmother managed a farmhouse on her own well into her 80s. The woman who lived her prior to us purchasing it kept things neat as a pin and she was 96. I can still remember her going out in the fall clearing the orchard. But, I have to also remind myself that I am not just managing the house. I am rebuilding so many parts of my life while trying to stabilize other parts.

This morning the confirmation came in that I am going to have that second class at the college in addition to my other courses, which will be an easy one for me to add. It is going to add an additional prep, but I have taught this class for years, so it is a bit easier and will allow me to be able to experiment some if I so choose because of my comfort with this class.

That has made the stress lift some and enough for me to see possibilities this morning. I spotted my small "garden" I had to have - one I could manage. It is a grouping of plants potted on my deck. It is not exactly the sprawling garden we used to plant, but it is something. I had a fresh tomato that had ripened finally and some fresh basil and I made an omelet this morning.

I am coming upon the second year of being officially divorced and it hits exactly on my first and second BDs - if nothing else, my Xh was very consistent in his timing, as he dropped both BDs on the first day of school. Ironically, my divorce was finalized on that day as well 2 years ago. When that happened, I remember sort of laughing thinking how the universe was clearly finding some humor in that day that I didn't. It came and went last year with little thought. This year, I don't anticipate any big events, other than the parade Xh is in will be that date this year.

As for my own feelings on it, it is simply a day on the calendar. I will not forget it easily as it correlates with the start of school, but even this morning I had to stop and think about how many years it has been. In reality, the divorce was just the formal end of the marriage. This had been going on so long, I have been "alone" for much longer, even when Xh was living at home.

I thought about when the last "loving contact" we had, which in reality was an extended "touch and go" was nearly 4 years ago. So much has happened since then and I often stop and recall a time when I thought I would never get over the pain, as it seemed impossible to see a life without Xh.

This morning, I can't imaging going back to a life with that much pain. There are too many moments to enjoy in life to be and be grateful for - something my Xh can't seem to see.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2019, 12:36:47 PM »
I am having a good laugh at this insanity. It would have been something that would have pushed me over the edge while in the thick of MLC and on days where I am ready to crawl back in bed and hide from the day. But, somehow I am just laughing at it.

I had taken today off to tackle a whole slew of things that need to be addressed. A day, I had resigned myself to knowing it would result in probably a headache of sorts from staring at the computer or from being on the phone.

The first was not on my list, but I wanted to check my bank account. Hmmm. Good thing I did. I found a series of "new and different" charges that are not mine, nor either of the kids. Not huge amounts, but little nibbles it would seem. Uh huh, Well that prompted me to call the bank. Looks like someone is trying to test my card out. I had to laugh because right now, good luck - there is not much to take - LOL. I don't put all of my money in one place anyways. So lock down that card. Stupid. But, glad I caught it when I did. I am getting my 4 miscellaneous charges back, each odd less than $5 amounts. But, of course that also means I had to make calls to those places that are on automatic payments.

It is a Monday. LOL

I have a list going and I was feeling good as I checked off each part of my list. That is until the phone rang and I had to add another "need to deal with immediately" events. This has been going on all afternoon - this pattern. LMAO

But, I am rolling with it. I got D's health insurance transferred over to my policy. I was doing it online and gave up when the site started to act up. I decided to just call a representative. Remarkably, I got through immediately. Done in 15 minutes.

While I was on hold for another task, I filled in all of my calendar dates for school that I know of. Days off, professional days, etc. I have a couple of surprise days off from the high school and because I don't teach until Tuesdays now at the college, I am going to be able to take a couple of long weekends, perhaps, after getting out of my Friday classes. I can flex the galleries and the millwork.

The numbers for my fall classes look good in the overall. Strangely, the computer class at the high school level is small, which will be perfect. I had 45 students last year for that course. This year they split into different areas and my design class, which is hands on is the popular choice with about 20. A bit more than I would like, but manageable. My computer class has 7 at the moment. That is actually a fantastic number as that course is much more complex with students having their own laptops. At the college it is easier, as I am in a lab situation and the lab has a full time tech. I am it when it comes to the tech issues during class for the high school. So, it has been a problem in the past, or at least at times a headache when tech problems suck up instruction time.

I am apprehensive to say it looks like things are actually shaping up to be a really good year, because I might jinx it - LOL.

But, the schedule I am looking at and the number of students is bringing me a sense of calm. It is manageable and a really good schedule. My Wednesdays will be mine if I plan it right without compromising my financial aspects. I am almost afraid to say this is definitive, because I keep feeling like I am missing something. LOL

D invited me to come for dinner while she is house sitting. She is so proud of herself, as she had gone grocery shopping and has a meal plan for her time alone. This experience is proving to be a good break for her.

This morning I realized that the cat that used to be Xh's has started a new thing. She was traumatized when he left and we have had problems with her digging the furniture and other problems. The kids did not want to get rid of her, nor could I see doing that, as she had been a part of the family for a very long time. During MLC, in the summers, she always wanted to go out at night, then would crawl on the roof to meow into the air conditioner, making a horrible noise. If you kept her in, she would push things off the counters and surfaces until you let her out at 2 am. This has stopped all of a sudden. She has been relaxed and seeks me out now.

This morning I realized I haven't had to play those games with her this summer as far as going out or coming in. She has been going out during the evening, but coming in when she sees the lights going out. She races to the back door to come in and makes a beeline for my bed. She parks herself at my feet and lately I find her by morning lying right next to my side. She will lay there until I get up. It is a huge change for her. She was Xh's cat, there was no doubt. I guess I have become her human. I am not sure how the dog feels about this - LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2019, 07:08:29 PM »
I drove up to see D at my colleague's house. D had made a really nice dinner and is enjoying her time house sitting. The neighborhood is very quiet, but the neighbors are very friendly and helpful. My colleague had said they would look out for D and so far that is in fact the case.

D made stir-fry for dinner and she shared with me some guy from high school she hasn't seen in over a year, a guy she was nice to, but never friended on FaceBook, or any other social media, sent her a d!ck pic today. She was mortified and said he sent it via SnapChat and quickly blocked her or whatever. She is not scared, and wonders if he meant to send it to someone else, but she said it seems rather suspect. I told her if it happens again then it should be dealt with.

Her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is not pleased, nor is S or D's other male friend, who is like a B to her. He was visiting our house the other day and is leaving for college -- moving out of state. D joked she has no shortage of protective men in her life and she was sure BIL, if he found out would send out troops to hunt this kid down if anything more comes of it. I laughed and said that was probably true.

I was worried it would rattle her and I told her to turn off any location pings. She laughed and said the only people she allows access to her location are her boyfriend, S and myself.

I asked if she was okay. She laughed and said she is in a house that is heavily alarmed because my colleague's H runs a business out of half of the house and the dog is very protective. She was sleeping well at night and is sure she will be fine. I think she will be too, but I worried about her anxiety.

I drove home taking backroads, as I had taken the toll road on the way up. It was a truly pleasant drive home.

The dog was aching to go for a walk. I gave in, in spite of the sun having already set. It was both a relaxing, yet could have been an unsettling walk. The moon is almost full, so there was a brighter sky, but the corn is insanely tall and throwing very dark shadows across the road. With the corn rustling in the gentle breeze it is easy to see why this type of scene is used in horror films. It was a bit ominous. LOL. But, the crickets were chirping away. Had it gone silent, I might have been nervous -  ::)

As I walked down our driveway, I noticed in the garage window a giant sunflower. S's GF was sitting in the garage and spending time reading, while S worked on a truck tailgate. We talked for some time. I found out S is wanting to work on a sculpture and cast it in bronze. (I have been saying all along the more artistic side of him is going to come out at some point). He was proud to announce he had sold the older dishwasher, which still works. He said he didn't ask much but figured someone would use it. The gentleman that bought it was thrilled.

And then I asked about the sunflower. S's GF smiled and said he came home and told her they were going for a ride. He took her to the sunflower fields nearby and he found her the biggest bloom he could find and cut it for her. He smiled as she was telling me the story and said he remembered from having been on the hayrides a couple of years ago, that you never break them off, but they are supposed to be cut, per the farmers.

S is a romantic underneath it all and it was such a simple thing. I am grateful that this young woman seems to appreciate his seemingly small gestures.  :)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2019, 12:57:50 AM »
Having been the recipient also of an unintended d!ck pic once (easier to do than people might think if you hit the wrong person in your contacts list but still.... EWWWWWWWW!) I'm guessing that, based on the reaction of immediately deleting the contact, etc., the sender was probably thoroughly mortified (as well he should be!)....  Every year, in the various parent's council (PTA-like) meetings, the subject of "sexting" is brought up with an admonition to the parents to take a look occasionally at the kids' phones...

But still....



The story of the sunflower is one though that just proves that there is still good in the world....



Your Monday sounds a lot better than mine... At least you were able to get a few things done off your list.... Good for you!
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2019, 06:20:39 AM »

So much has happened since then and I often stop and recall a time when I thought I would never get over the pain, as it seemed impossible to see a life without Xh.

There are too many moments to enjoy in life to be and be grateful for - something my Xh can't seem to see.


I feel this way on occasion as well, MD. 

Yes, way too many moments to enjoy and be grateful for.  Life does, indeed, go on and I work hard now at living it in the largest way I can! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2019, 03:45:51 PM »
UrsaMajor - I believe that was D's exact reaction. She laughed and said she did not need to have this information about this guy. She is pretty sure it was a mistake. D is very careful about social media anyways. My SIL was a state trooper and showed D and S how easy it was for a predator to track down someone on social media with virtually no information to start. It was quite terrifying, TBH. So, that was the start of D, in particular not being one to share too much. Besides, she is also aware that employers will check social media. She said she shakes her head at how many friends have "fake" accounts. She has just taken the stance that if she has to create a "fake account" it is probably something she doesn't want to share anyways.

The sunflower story was a nice one and the darned thing is huge. We put it in a vase, but I heard it tip over at midnight and I came downstairs to see my kitchen floor covered in water. We had to find a much heavier vessel for it. Hard to believe the stem can hold it up.

stillbaffled - you have been doing a good job living your life since the MLC madness.  :) I actually thought of you the other day, when S talked to me about building a pole barn. It is a conversation we have been tossing about a little. All I could think about when he assured me that it didn't need to be so big that it would accommodate a combine and other vehicles, just his "toys", I thought of your barn.

It was a funny day. Lots of unexpected things that made me laugh and other things that just annoyed me a tad. I worked at the millwork this afternoon and there were documents that were half filled out by people who went on vacation. The mediocrity was a little aggravating. My supervisor and I just dug in and addressed it. The paperwork holds up the guys in the mill and the extra 5 minutes it would have taken on each project was ridiculous. It made more work for us, but it is accurate now and we made it happen.

Before I left for work, my coworker sent me a text. He knows I am a music "weirdo" in that I am full of surprises. He wanted to know if I wanted to go away with him was the first phrase. I laughed and said I wasn't exactly sure I knew how to answer that, as it might be a loaded question. LOL. He said that no, he is traveling to see Iron Maiden and his one friend bailed on him so he ended up with an extra ticket. When he mentioned who was going along, I really burst out laughing and said that might be worth just going to witness, as it is with the other guy I work with, who is so straight-laced I cannot even picture that. But, I have to work and I am not sure it is a good idea anyways. I joked with him that I figured he just wanted to get pictures of me dressed up for that concert to blackmail me with later. I am not sure I am up for a weekend with 5, thirty something year olds at a heavy metal concert. And I am not sure I want my other coworker knowing that much about me. Nope. I am good.

When I came home, there was a white truck in my driveway with NJ plates on it. Not one I recognize. S's roommate is from NJ, but I know his truck. I got out and a guy was driving a 4-wheeler around my yard. He saw me and came right over and introduced himself with a very firm handshake. Just as he was doing that, S drove in followed by S's best friend. So, it would seem S's best friend and this guy were roommates in college out in the midwest. He came for a visit and S was going to fix his truck for him that acted up. It was all good, but of course, because my life is so bizarre, my one set of neighbors that live way down on the opposite end of the road, drove by and they are gossips. I laughed and thought "here I go again" - what rumor will be spread this time. They were friends with Xh, so it is always amusing to hear what will come about. Luckily, they so rarely drive down the road and take the alternate route to wherever they are going, I rarely encounter them.

So, let's see what funny story I will hear now. LOL.

At least now, it is amusing and doesn't get to me. Let them come up with some cockamamie story. I know my truth as do my real friends. Which is I come home to a houseful of twenty something year olds most nights. Walk my dog and on occasion I dress up and go out to an art opening or perhaps a tractor pull - LOL. Not exactly partying with the Iron Maiden crowd. LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2019, 02:09:33 AM »
Iron Maiden?  and a full moon (tomorrow)?  What could POSSIBLY go wrong? <snort>


As far as the fake accounts go, D has the right attitude - if I need to fake it, it probably means that I don't want to be identified with it and therefore probably means it should NOT be shared...  :o  I know that an applicant for an Operations Engineer here was rejected because of the crap they had posted to their FB account... The Ops Manager was NOT interested in his life of drunken parties...

I HAD to start laughing when I read about S and the Pole Barn... and, of course, the FIRST person I thought of was SB... especially when S said it wouldn't need to be big enough to hold a combine.... <snort!>
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2019, 02:17:06 AM »
Funny isn't it that most LBS become a bit allergic to social media for a while, probably bc the disordered are so fond of it  :)
And post-MLC, we might need to decide on what and how we reengage with it or don't depending on the circumstances of our work and family life.
But yeah, there is a lot of crazy out there and I think your daughter is quite right...if I need a fake a/c, probably means I'd be better to step away lol. Never had a fake anything like that actually...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2019, 08:22:09 AM »
UrsaMajor - LMAO - yes, what possibly could go wrong with that entire scenario? LOL. For one thing, I am not really a huge Iron Maiden fan, even with a free ticket being waved at me, and I like my metal bands. My apologies to any Iron Maiden fans - LOL.

Had I grabbed onto that invite I am sure there might have been a wager as if to whether or not I was going down the MLC path myself. LOL

In all honesty, had it just been my coworker, I still would not have gone. My head has not been in the right place lately and I am afraid I could find myself in a very reactive mood and do something I might question myself on later.

The other issue that had me uncomfortable is the other coworker. I get along with him, but I don't trust him in the same way I do my coworker. Other coworker is not as cautious as my coworker in terms of social media, etc. My coworker has social media accounts, but he is very guarded about what he posts and such. The other is not. He posts every thought, every picture and allows students to have access to the accounts. He is young himself and he once asked me why I don't allow students on my Facebook account. I told him that I don't feel most of them need any more access to my life. I have former students on occasion, but they have to be former students and at least 18. I am not going to open myself up that way. It is not that I have anything to hide as such, but I don't like my personal life put out on display without my knowledge. I may be social and bubbly in public, but I am very private. Even my Facebook account, I really don't put too much out there for people to see.

It did make me feel good though to be asked and for someone to think of me.

And funny thing was, I was actually looking into a couple of concerts, one being Lindsey Stirling, which is not exactly Iron Maiden. LOL.  In the meantime, my friend from high school called to see if I wanted to go with her to a couple of concerts. She didn't mention which ones. I suspect it will be some 80's group or a country concert. But, we always have had a good time. We will see.

Treasur - I was never a huge fan of social media and then completely cut myself off for awhile from Facebook because of OW. Instagram, I will probably never get into only because that is a huge trigger for me. Xh lived his life on Instagram and I saw several photos of OW that I will never be able to unsee that came up on the screen. He spent his whole MLC fueling that fake acquisition of followers and friends and it bothers me still. I won't pretend otherwise.

I went on a complete, nearly off the grid approach during MLC for a year. At that time, I carried 2 cell phones with me at all times. One for home. One for work. They were always ringing. When the job ended and moved out of the area, I had to hand in that phone. Xh took me off of his corporate account but added both kids. It was a clear FU statement at the time. Right after BD#1. So I decided to not get a cell phone. I virtually quit social media and the only thing I kept up with was my emails for work and such. It was tough at first, but the only time I missed the phone was in an emergency and finding a pay phone was impossible. I really did not miss the phone after that year. I have one now and am back on Facebook, but the rest - I could care less about.

It is in many ways about being fake. I am never going to be comfortable with that aspect. It is not in my nature. I have a few "friends" on Facebook that I scratch my head and wonder what I was thinking at the time - mainly former classmates of mine from high school that weren't really my friends then, but we all sort of accept those friends because it seems like a good idea at the time. LOL.  ::) I have unfollowed a couple of them. I haven't unfriended anyone other than Xh and that was after he and OW played games. But, unfollow - there have been a couple of guys I went to school with that would get into political debates on a daily basis to the point where neither was going to sway the other and after MLC, I have no stomach for those types of arguments. It was way too similar to MLC monster for me.

I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night. Fell right asleep and then was wide awake for absolutely no reason at 3 am. By 3:30 I logged into Facebook and I knew as soon as I did, I would be busted and my friend abroad yelled at me for being up. LOL. We chatted awhile and by 4:30, I was finally tired.

As I was online, a news bulletin flashed on the screen and there had been a body found not too far from my house. As of this morning it is being considered a homicide. That was a shock. This area doesn't normally see too many murders and I can think back to maybe one 25 years ago in our town. Beyond that, it is a pretty quiet community. It didn't alarm me as the details seem like it was a hit and specific. Sad and I wish these things didn't happen, but it certainly doesn't make me want to pack up and move, which was what my other friend said to me. She has a flair for the dramatic anyways - LOL. If she had enough money, she would be the type of person who would move every time she was unhappy with the weather in the area, no matter where she was.  ::)

I had to be up for a doctor's appointment this morning with a dermatologist to just do a general check up. With fair skin, I know I have to mindful and all was fine, but I had to laugh when the nurse came in and said I would have to strip down and was it okay if not only the doctor came in but the visiting resident. Both were men. I told her I had nothing to hide at this point in my life and laughed thinking that this is what is has come to - LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2019, 02:21:08 PM »
My GP is a woman and I think about half the time, she's more embarrassed than I am..... LOL

And, I have Lindsey Stirling tickets for the 12th of September. Last year I took S for his birthday (first concert) and this year it's both kids....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2019, 02:39:30 PM »
Sometimes the reminders of MLC just creep in. It is not actually always a bad thing anymore, at least not in this case.

I had gone to work at the millwork and my supervisor and I were discussing an old project. I stopped and realized it would have been a project that Xh had taken on, one I wasn't supposed to know about. It lead to a second project. The first was designing and installing a kitchen for a woman that was an employee of one of his clients. She was an older woman and treated him like a son. I always liked her. I wasn't supposed to know about that job, but mind you the woman was loaning him her car at times (I can't recall why) and he would have me drop him off there. He was always evasive about the work he was doing, but I knew it was one of those I would later note in the divorce. It was not something I pummeled him on, but little does he know, I had evidence of the income and tucked it away in case I needed it.

It got to that point, I am afraid. It is not something I ever hope to repeat. I am not someone who operates well under falsehoods or lack of trust. I don't generally collect evidence. But, I had to in order to protect myself and the kids.

I know darn well that this little kitchen renovation was the excuse OW gave her H to have Xh show up at their house. I don't know how much he was involved in it, but they found reasons for him to be there.

None of that matters anymore in the grand scheme of things, at least not in terms of my own forward motion. What it does do at times though is to remind me and not in a triggering manner, but a reminder that I did not imagine some of the changes.

My supervisor has never mentioned having met Xh. I know my boss had several times over the years, but not for that particular project. This  would have been in the MLC era. She gave me a look today and said she could not see how I was ever married to him, as he came across as a used car salesman in his approach - over the top. I laughed and said that was not the same man I married. I told her that in his crisis he had a need to behave in a manner which was insincere. For many years I did not witness that from him. He could put on a good dog and pony show for clients, but it was with a level of humbleness and dignity, not this schtick he had going on.

I pulled out my phone and showed her a pictures I still have on my phone. They don't bother me nearly as much as they once did. I didn't save them to somehow fawn over Xh or to get mad, they have simply become gentle reminders at times for me that I have not imagined this transformation.

I pulled up a photo of Xh with the kids and I from when they were little. He was genuinely happy and at that time wore his hair cropped short, and wore suits. I never minded the transition to more casual attire, but the long hair, with a pony tail and Kurt Cobain daily wear was a huge shock from what had been. My supervisor's eyes got big and said "WTF"?. I laughed and said I have muttered that a thousand times if not one.

She expressed sympathy and said it had to be a sad thing. It was, but life has been moving on.

I have a lot to be grateful for and at times it only takes a simple thing to remind me that I am in a much better place - away from the madness. My phone had rung earlier in the afternoon and my sister had called. She relayed some information about a doctor's appointment my M has. She was on her way to "hitting practice". I laughed and said it was a good thing I knew what she was referring to. She picked up my nephew from the batting cage and the phone rang again. It was my nephew. He wanted to say hi and wants to know when he can come and stay with me. I laughed and said I would look at the calendar and we would make a date. He was clearly loving that idea.

I must admit, I am liking it as well.  :)

LOL - UrsaMajor, you posted right as I was about to post.

I apparently have no issues just dropping my clothes in front of random men - LOL. This was a new doctor. Okay, maybe not just random men. LOL ::)

As far as Lindsey Stirling, I can guarantee my tickets are not for the September 12th concert - as I am assuming she is playing in Germany. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2019, 06:24:51 PM »
I took the dog for a long walk. When I left, S had several cars in the driveway. The young man who was here yesterday was on his way back here because his truck is not running properly. S offered to help him fix it.

By the time I came home from the walk, there were a couple of additional cars, including D's boyfriend. His car was making a noise and S said it was the brakes. S said he will fix those for D's boyfriend this weekend. D was still at my colleague's house with the dog and cats.

I had made brownies before I left, knowing the boys would dig into them. When I saw S's other friends had shown up to help, I made a decision to go in and make them dinner. The only thing S had asked me for was some rags, as he was out of them in the garage. It was like a regular pit crew out there.

When I came back out with plates, silverware and a platter, the guys all stopped and stared. I had cooked a steak for the 3 remaining guys. S gave me a hug and I overheard the one friend say to S that he couldn't believe I had done that. S laughed and said that was just me and I used to do the same for Xh when he was working in the garage late at night. I didn't always bug him to come in and eat dinner, etc.

I have made a lot of mistakes throughout my marriage and am far from perfect, but that was one of those things Xh accused me of at one point - being selfish. I questioned myself on that front over and over.

I didn't baby Xh and tonight I joked with the guys that I was making sure they ate properly, but I expected my silverware and plates back in the house tonight. They obliged and put them in the dishwasher.

I didn't wait on Xh hand and foot. But I did care and enjoyed taking care of him sometimes. S's friend came in and thanked me again. He went on to say I care more about him than his own M when I asked him if he had gotten enough to eat. That made me sad for him.

I am not always thrilled with the extra cars and kids at my house. But, on nights like tonight, when I see them all working together, I will put up with my car being parked in the yard. LOL

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2019, 06:58:30 PM »

I HAD to start laughing when I read about S and the Pole Barn... and, of course, the FIRST person I thought of was SB... especially when S said it wouldn't need to be big enough to hold a combine.... <snort!>


MD - for sure your S needs a pole barn!  Just don't let him get carried away with the size of the thing.  Lol! 

UM - Lindsey Stirling as in the musician I watched on Dancing With the Stars?!?  I love her!  What a fun concert to attend. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2019, 03:14:52 AM »
UM - Lindsey Stirling as in the musician I watched on Dancing With the Stars?!?  I love her!  What a fun concert to attend.

SB, yep. That's the one!

MD, yep! Jahrhunderthalle Framkfurt...
https://www.facebook.com/tours/592215871266787/
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #20 on: August 15, 2019, 08:33:51 PM »
stillbaffled - I am not sure it will accommodate a combine, but he is talking about something that is 30'x40' and just storage. No frills. I have no problem with that, as I have the space and it will add equity to the property. And, it might mean I could actually fit my car in the garage that is attached to the house in the winter - LOL.

UrsaMajor - okay - I am jealous. LOL.  ;D

So today was, well…a day. Blame it on the full moon? IDK.

I had to pick D up first thing this morning to take her to the college where I work so we could move forward on that transition. I was where she was staying by 8 am. It meant I was up and out of the house by 7:30 am and we hit the ground running. We were at the college for about 2 hours, and had to schedule another visit next week to solidify things. D was in hyper organize mode and I couldn't handle it this morning. As we waited in line, she started rattling off things that are coming up next week, thing she needs to do and I told her to stop. I cannot process things the way I used to after MLC. When I am focused on certain aspects, like getting through the line and focusing on the steps that needed to happen at that moment, I couldn't deal with "oh, remember, I need to go to the Dr on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, this, Thursday, that…" She was just talking, and I was on sudden overload. I told her to make a list and we would discuss it, but I was not capable of it at that moment.

She finally understood what I needed.

I had to be at work at the one gallery to set up a show by 11 and would be there until 6. We had a huge show coming in and we had prep work, etc to do to get ready just for the install. It was a good time, as I worked with one of my colleagues and the intern. We took a brief break for lunch and then it was back to work. We accomplished so much, which felt good.

By 4, I decided to go pick up a coffee and my phone pinged. It was Xh. He wanted to let me know that he "threw the check in the entryway to my house on the floor". Ah, okay - that is a new one. I said fine, but was a bit annoyed, considering we have 2 different shelves and a small cabinet he could have put it in instead. How about set it on the chairs I have in the entry? Put it in the mailbox like in the past? Or, clip it to the door, as I have a little clip where I leave payments for the propane delivery person. Xh knows these things. In the past he has left it in the mailbox or clipped it to that little area. It was odd.

I was meeting D for dinner and then had to go pick up things for the gallery that I need to deliver tomorrow.As I was on my way to meet D, who was cooking dinner, I got a call from my millwork supervisor. She had a few questions to run by me, as she knows I have taken a couple of days off next week to deal with some things before school starts. It will be another full day tomorrow.

As we were eating dinner D mentioned she had heard from her F. I said "oh"?. She heard from him on her birthday last week after he was ticked at her and said to her on her birthday "have a nice day". She responded but she said he didn't text back. But, today's text she said was really odd. He simply texted "wow". She said she has no idea what that means at all. Beats me.

I left to go run my errands when S called me. He hurt his back and needs to get into a doctor. And his knee is still bugging him. He goes back to school next weekend. I asked him if he was home. He was. I asked him to pick up the check off of the floor. He said his friend had taken car of that and put it in the kitchen on the counter for me. And then it came out - S was laughing about it saying how completely ridiculous.

I am not laughing about it. I should be as in reality it is amusing, but I was at my tipping point. I focused on my errands and then after loading up the car, I turned on the ignition, but just found myself sitting in the car, crying. WTF??

The young man who was here from out of state had been here all day yesterday and they worked on his truck. He was trying to get it fixed before this weekend, as he needs to be back to work. He was a huge help to S yesterday and was nothing but polite and thoughtful. S's friend has known him for years, and I trust that particular friend of S's completely. So, when this poor guy was needing to pick up parts and kept working on his truck I said to S that I was okay with this kid working in the garage. I also told S to leave the door unlocked and the kid could shower and such if need be. S had to work and was home at lunchtime.

I came home and found out that the young man did shower and took care of the dog all day long. He took her for a couple of walks and he thanked me again for being so hospitable. S told me that he was very appreciative and he could see why S's friend says I am like a M to all of the kids that show up. They know the rules and abide by them.

Well, what had occurred it would seem is Xh showed up right as the kid had finished showering. He was dressed, but his hair was wet and he was getting the leash to walk the dog. S said he introduced himself to Xh, but didn't specify who he was visiting. Simply said his name and shook Xh's hand. S mentioned this little transaction because he asked the kid what happened. The kid said after Xh left he picked up the envelope and put it on my kitchen counter.

So, it would seem, Xh has decided I have a new, young boyfriend. S was amused at the idea, as I am not out carousing around and I may joke with the guys in the garage, but I am the same woman who will come out and yell at them for doing stupid things. It is pretty clear, I have no attraction to any of S's friends.

My friend told me she thought it was funny. And it really is in many ways. Because it is ridiculous. And even if it were true, what business is it of Xh's?

What is not setting well with me and what really stung was I never looked at another man when I was married. At least not in a sexual manner. I was faithful for all of our marriage and only had eyes for Xh.

I worked through the MLC accusations months ago where Xh projected and accused me of 2 affairs. I laughed off the post divorce accusations which have been beyond comical. So why tonight?

It was really bugging me being accused again of something that is so counter my nature. I would not date a guy that young - one that is the same age as my S. It wouldn't even enter my mind. And the kids joke about the age threshold they set for me, but I know that if I were to suddenly bring home a 20 something year old, they would in fact have a hard time with it.

I think it is the idea of more character assassination that I don't deserve. I will shake it off, but it really stung. It shouldn't, as again, as other's have pointed out, it is not Xh's business and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I still hold myself to my own standards and moral compass. I have not changed in that regards.

After a good cry, I came home and S and his friends were working away. The first thing they all did when I pulled up was they grabbed keys and jockeyed their cars around, full well knowing that I get at least one spot in the driveway. It made me laugh.  :)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #21 on: August 16, 2019, 01:45:15 AM »
"Earth to xH! Earth to xH!  Important News incoming!"



Now go away....

Maybe that moat needs to be equipped with a guillotine so the next time he pokes his head in...


And yeah, somehow I'm not picking up that Epstein vibe from you..... I'm sure that the Velociraptors would NOT be kind if you were to be walking around with some BoyToy on your arm  ::) .... Sounds more like a bit of Projection to me....

The BIGGEST question is though.... How did he fill out the check? Red Ink? For an odd amount? To whose name?
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #22 on: August 16, 2019, 03:39:40 AM »
I was wondering the same thing.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #23 on: August 16, 2019, 04:23:17 AM »
There are lots of things you could do to metaphorically build a bigger moat of course but you know that. I guess when I have had similar big emotional moments when my head knows that it is a piece of nonsense or that I 'shouldn't' be bothered by it...and yet somehow I am...a little bit of quiet digging normally turns up the Hurt behind the hurt if that makes sense. A missing bit of healing work that needs a bit of attention, a bit like a cobweb in a corner of a clean room I missed. Do you know what the feeling was really about, Mourning, as it stung so much?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #24 on: August 16, 2019, 02:26:09 PM »
UrsaMajor - Hmmm, a guillotine might be a bit extreme - LOL.

For many years, my F owned horses. I can remember him telling me not to touch the electric fence, but when I was about 4, I went to feed the one horse a carrot and grabbed onto one of the wires. Yah, that is a feeling you never forget - LOL. So, I am thinking an electric fence might be the way to go. Maybe after a couple of jolts he will get the message.  ::)

Someone asked me how Xh got in the house anyways. The door was unlocked and the inner door was open. I often leave the screen door open in the summer when someone is home. The kid visiting S was in the house, getting ready to take the dog out, so the inner door to the entryway was open. But to put the envelope on the floor? It made no sense in terms of logic. While I believe his issue with my name on the check is not a game he plays, this was a definite message to me.

So, to answer the question, Thunder and UrsaMajor, as always Xh provided a bit of entertainment and insight into the messed up mind of a MLCer in the tunnel.  ::) No name on the envelope, but a footprint from the dog was on it.  ::) I am not entirely sure what the scribble on top was in the area where my name should be. The ladies at the bank were able to make out the first initial of my name, the middle initial and last initial, as they looked capitalized. They shook their head and said nothing, but full well knew this is a constant issue. The name was all just smooshed together. His signature is still bizarre. But the new development was that it would seem I now am a business expense. Dumba$$ wrote it on his corporate account. I took my usual photo evidence and filed it away. I don't think his accountant will like this, but not my problem. I know from doing his books years ago, (and I am not an accountant) that this is a stupid idea. It makes life much more complicated come tax time. Oh wait, I am not even sure he is filing taxes anymore - LOL. Oh well, the check went through.

Treasur - Hurt behind the hurt makes complete sense. I think I can compare it to when I have gotten a thorn or splinter, remove what I perceive is all of it and it heals over. Then later a pain arises and I discover that there is still a small fragment lodged deeper. This was that type of sting.

I can attribute it to several things going on in RL that have me emotionally stretched, combined with things that are out of my control right now. Nothing epic, just little things in life, pushing down on me all at once.

And the truth is, the envelope on the floor really bothered me. The added implication of me somehow cavorting with this young man did not help. It took me some time to figure out why these things pushed me over the edge.

Part of being an enigma is being okay with that "title". Not for any other reason than to find that sense of confidence and comfort in my own skin. I have done a good job, after a great deal of introspection and hard work to find that inner strength. I am keenly aware of my flaws, the places I can improve. I am okay with my path and knowing I am still sometimes clawing my way back.

The character assassination has been easier to shake off and laugh off most of the time. But the check on the floor combined with those accusations was too much. It brought back a memory of when Xh was angry with me after BD. Hahaha, come to think of it, when was he not mad at me during that time? At any rate, he was deep in his PA and spending money like crazy. We needed something for the kids and I had just paid all of the bills from what was now "our money" aka - all of the money I was bringing in. There was no more to be had and he took a wad of cash out of his money clip and threw it at me. With it came the accusation that I was sleeping with my friend - a rumor he and OW were more than happy to spread around. One that was so incredibly ridiculous that anyone who knew me well would see the humor in that statement. But, I remember thinking at the time, I had somehow done something wrong on both fronts. I must have been careless the money that month. I should have done this or that differently. All of it was part of the projection game and yet Xh would weave in some little shred of truth, as miniscule as perhaps "you threw away a tomato and wasted money". It would set me to question everything. The gaslighting, looking back was so easy to fall victim to.

It was just enough yesterday to make me say I had enough.

I was awake quite late. Not able to turn my brain off, mulling it over. I finally fell asleep around 1. My phone pinged at 3:30 am. I rolled over and there was a message from my coworker. WTF? It was a smiley face and "hey". I didn't answer it until later this morning when I was with D at PT. I asked him what that was about. He said he had a dream and was wide awake and knows I keep odd hours. He just was thinking about me. UH??? Okay. But, he made me relax a bit when we talked. He quit his second job and it is a bit tight financially, but he wanted me to know I was right. I told him that he was going to burn out and miss out on some important things with his S if he didn't slow down. He said the last couple of weekends with his S have been pure joy and they have just been spending time reading and doing simple things. He wanted to know how I got so smart. I laughed and reminded him I have a bit more experience in that arena.  ::)

I am feeling a sense of some confusion right now and there are so many unknowns at the moment. Loose ends. Unanswered questions. I know most of them will be answered soon enough. I cannot let the fear of the unknown hang me up.

I have to work part of tomorrow, but I am really tempted to go somewhere on Sunday and clear my head. I need a mental break before more insanity hits.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #25 on: August 17, 2019, 09:01:28 AM »
Last night, I was in bed fairly early. I was tired from the night before and the lack of sleep.

Thursday had been a very physically demanding day, setting up the show. I laugh when people will come into a gallery and make comments that make you realize how easy they think setting up a show is. A lot of thought goes into a good show. And when you are dealing with sculpture in particular it is really a workout. My intern went to move one piece and I started to laugh. He stopped and gave me a look of confusion because it is a relatively small piece. It was built to withstand outside elements and people sitting on it, etc, so it weighs easily 400 lbs. I told him it was not going anywhere easily. There were at least 15 pieces of sculpture that had to be moved and set up among the other work. Add repainting massive walls, bases and other tasks, it was a full day. So, by Thursday night, I was physically worn out. But, a good worn out.

And yesterday was a busy day at the other gallery. We had steady traffic flow and the day went by quickly.

I came home and S was on his way to his friend's father's farm for the evening to help repair a piece of equipment. I handed S money and said to buy pizza for all of them. S tried to argue with me and I joked with him that it was cheaper than me going out to a hotel to get some solitude. He laughed. He said he realized I have been pretty patient with all of the additional bodies around as of late. He gave me a hug and told me I was the best. I told him he needed to leave before I started crying - LOL.

I spent some time talking to a friend. He is always a good one to kick my a$$ and push some hard questions when I need them. But he is also good for a laugh. We talked about my coworker a bit. The fact is, my coworker is a good friend and I do trust him. Yes, having a man who likes spending time with me is nice. His attention can ride the line of being intoxicating for me when I am feeling less than, but it is also incredibly confusing. It is that nice to have companionship, but I crave something different. My friend has pushed me a couple of times as of late.

It goes back to compartmentalizing for me. I am not sure I can keep compartmentalizing my life like this in the long term.

My coworker is fun. He is trustworthy. We have some deep conversations, but they lack true depth. If I remain compartmentalized, that would all be good. But, I don't really operate that way.

It is a strange place to be.

Most people have told me that I am lucky to have this younger man interested in me. And if I were to tell them it is a bit lost on me, they would think I am a nut. It is not his age. It is in part life experience. It is that he is usually in one speed zone. He is full of energy most of the time.

I love chocolate, but I couldn't eat it morning, noon and night. My coworker can be a bit like having too much chocolate - LOL

And, the reality is this is really not about him. I am in a weird place right now.

S leaves for college next weekend. D is here, but she is with her boyfriend so much, I don't see her all that often. I am coming up on changes again, after having just gotten used to them being home. The changes are a bit jarring at times.

Last night's full night of sleep helped immensely with my own mental state. I was frazzled the other night.

I am back off to the gallery for a few hours to finish off price lists and the little tasks. It should be quiet.

Tomorrow is looking like my plans to go on a hike are going to be dashed. The weather forecast changed rapidly and it is looking like some severe storms are rolling through. That said, I am not beyond going to the lakes and watching a storm roll in. Hmmmm.  ::)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #26 on: August 17, 2019, 07:56:52 PM »
I am just worn out tonight.

My intern was done with his internship on Friday, but had offered to come in. He was invited to go away for a few days, and I told him he should go, since he has worked almost every weekend this summer.

My colleague was packing up her house, as she is moving starting next week. She too offered to come in, and help, but I told her she should not be stressing out.

It stormed all day and I had 2 customers who came in, but the afternoon was quiet in terms of traffic. I was actually grateful for the solitude. I focused on getting the price lists and other materials ready for this big event coming up. I set up new templates and things were falling into place.

I had dinner with my parents and spent about an hour with them. I had shown my M the check yesterday before depositing it. It came on the heels of my M still struggling to "understand" what is going on with Xh and at times probably thinking I am somehow exaggerating this nonsense, which she knows is not like me, but let's face it, MLCers do things that are unbelievable to us. For those who don't witness it, it seems impossible. Well the check must have made an impression, because then M asked about the others. I pulled up my photos I have archived of each check and showed my M. These are things I haven't shared. There is no reason to do that. But, my M was stunned. She was shocked the bank has even cashed 90% of them based on his crazy writing. But, as she said, they know him and know me, as we banked there for years.

I was going to go home and I had an invite from my coworker to go out. I declined, telling him I was way too tired. It wasn't a lie, but I am honestly keeping my distance. My emotions have been too "all over the place" and I need to shake those out before I step into a potential situation that might just really confuse me more. I am not used to being like this, as I was never like this pre MLC. And admitting that somehow makes me sound like I am a hot mess - I am not. I am just not used to being on occasion unsure of my actions, my feelings, etc.

I have found that those little residual triggers sometimes creep in and I have to fight them. They aren't nearly as bad as they once were, but if other things in life are stressful, I sometimes have a harder time with the triggers. I used to be able to shut off those things - compartmentalize and multi task more in the past. I would deal with the emotions, but I could set them aside and focus. It doesn't come as easily to do that now.

Instead, I laughed as my Saturday evening was spent at the grocery store.  ::) I was craving ice cream and considered going out to ice cream stand, but instead settled on something that shocked S. I usually get chocolate or cappuccino or some variation there of. On occasion, I will go for something different, but vanilla is not on my list of favorite ice cream. But, tonight, I found a Vanilla bean with bourbon ice cream. OMG - It is a good thing it was just bourbon flavoring, or I would have been in trouble. My friend told me I was a novice and should have put real bourbon over vanilla ice cream. LOL

Well, I apparently drowned my sorrows in the full pint. OMG - I never do that - Hahaha. I will be walking tomorrow for sure and going back to behaving with my diet. LOL
« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 07:58:18 PM by MourningDove »

Online Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #27 on: August 17, 2019, 11:35:29 PM »
Oooh, that ice cream sounds GOOD!

The crazy crept in on small steps I think. And we adapted to it bit by bit until it becomes so WTF that we need to shut it out. But I'm glad you showed your mother the cheques. Bc it helps not to feel as if others think WE are exaggerating or being a bit crazy doesn't it? I'm sure the bank ladies have no doubt it is weird bc they see the cheques! Even if we are too tired of crazy to want to talk about it lol.

With this 'cheque on the floor' tbh it just sounded like your xh made some assumptions and had a bit of a tantrum?..but let's face it, our spouses stopped behaving like normal sane decent adults, let alone like themselves. We know that even if we still find it incomprehensible sometimes and understand why others might find it even more so bc they don't always see what we see. But gosh, knowing that others understand a bit why you might need to respond as you do to the situation makes it easier...i suppose it takes the pressure off to explain his inexplicable behaviour or justify your own. Is there a way to change the 'cheque' game, Mourning, that feels worth doing?

You do sound a bit tired. And lots of things are changing round you with the kids for instance too maybe?  I think that most of us have a thinner stress skin after this life experience, so you are not alone. Maybe it is all part of a shift in you from living through this to figuring out what living aftervitbmight look like? I hope you can make some time to get back to some long walks with the dog, some wind in your hair drives and some space to recharge your batteries.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 11:38:00 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2019, 11:17:41 AM »
Treasur - LOL. The problem was that ice cream was TOO good. LOL.

Yes, the crazy comes tiptoeing in. I know I saw it a little and dismissed it or explained it away. Then without realizing it, I did adapt and it became "normal". The problem is quite often Xh was able to maintain enough sanity in his outside world or at least because he compartmentalized his worlds more and more, that none of us compared notes. I am finding out now in small pieces, that some people who worked with him saw odd things as well. Changes in his behavior.

Does it matter in terms of Xh's path now? Not really. That sounds perhaps cruel, but the harsh reality is, I have no impact on what he does or doesn't do any longer. I have to keep letting go of it.

The small tantrum, and it was a tantrum of leaving that check on the floor was a way to drag me back in. I think part of my frustrations lie in that I just find myself comfortable in my level of detachment and he does something that sucks me in. I let it get to me. It is not his behavior as much as my response. I didn't laugh this one off. I let it get under my skin.

I have let a lot get under my skin the past couple of weeks. It all goes back to not forcing myself to just shut my brain off completely at times. I am better than I was, but it is a work in progress. When I journal it, I sound like a broken record, but I do notice when I have made efforts to do a better job and when I stumble. And it is important for me to journal it out to see my own repeat performance to help guide me to grow and change. It is not a pattern I want to keep repeating, as it is not beneficial.

One would think that rest is what I need, but the reality is what I need was found on my kitchen floor. I keep the house clean, and mop, but after seeing the weather report, a long walk or hike was out. There are severe thunderstorm warnings with possible flash flooding being predicted. And the mosquitos were out in full force already this morning, so I considered my options.

I was cutting up a fresh cantaloupe from one of the farm stands nearby and dropped a piece of melon on the floor. As I picked it up to throw away, I noticed the grout was stained near the sink. Well, that did it. Now mind you, I have on my list of projects removing and replacing the grout in the near future, but I grabbed a bucket, a scrub brush and got down on my hands and knees.

S's GF came in the door. S is on his way to talk to Xh about finances for college.  ::) I am not even going to touch that one right now - LOL

S's GF asked if I was okay because I had streaks from tears on my cheeks. I said I was just having a moment and needing to cry. She said she understood that and then giggled and said I looked like Cinderella. I was wearing a dress (yah, I didn't change out of my sundress - but took my heels off - my plan with the rain was to go out to run errands instead nearby where the storms were not supposed to hit until later in the day). I had pulled my hair back in a ponytail, but had been scrubbing the floor so hard it was falling out a bit. I was scrubbing the floor with a small brush just working out my aggravations.

It wasn't about the floor after awhile. I needed that physical release and a feeling like at least I was doing something. I wasn't thinking about anything other than the next grout line. 

As I was doing my little project, I started staring at the space under the sink. It is an unfinished part of the kitchen. One of those projects Xh never finished. It has bugged me for the longest time and he took a couple of short cuts that made no sense. He would not let me finish these things when he was in MLC. I wasn't supposed to help on projects any more. And it was one of those situations where I now realize he didn't like that I was capable of doing things. It somehow chipped away at his then fragile ego. In the past, we had always worked on things together.

During MLC he in fact got mad when I came up with a solution for the brooms and such. I had seen a sliding unit that went in a cabinet by a refrigerator. I haven't built the doors or the cabinet yet, but we had plenty of space along side of the fridge for one. He used to throw the broom along side of it and it would fall over. He was so angry when I devised a sliding panel with hooks on a wooden decorative panel. The kids thought it was ingenious. He was not impressed.

As I looked under the sink, I have now plans to make the curved doors that he never completed and how to make that space under the sink actually a functional space with a sliding unit for the garbage, something he said was not possible. Yah, now that I look at it, he would have figured it out in the past. He just didn't care by then.

And of course, I noticed a bit of a questionable fix that I didn't pay attention to during the MLC renovation. His choice of how to run the electric for the dishwasher is not exactly what I would deem up to code. That is going to be addressed. I am betting his cottage is completely up to code because Schmoopieland has a very demanding boss and she would have been cracking the whip. LOL

Hmmmm. Maybe this year for Halloween I can go as Cinderella - before the ball, as I am pretty sure this dress is officially ruined.  ::)

Online Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #29 on: August 18, 2019, 11:46:24 AM »
Big difference though Mourning when we can see the nature of our response and the context right? And find a way to work it off if we can't work it out  :)

Lots and lots of layers in letting go, I've found...maybe we just let go of different things at different stages? When we're ready maybe? I found strangely letting go of my m and my h as a person was much easier than letting go of the need to try to make sense of the sheer insanity of it. Or the sense of injustice and how much it sucked to be so powerless over so much of my own life bc of his actions. I hated that and hated that I hadn't risen above it actually.

Read somewhere that someone else said he needed to beat his own questions to death until his brain gave up and fell over, and that he needed to remove as many of the effects of MLC from his current life as he could. And that the second took much longer to do bc the effects were so big and widespread and practical....but as he chipped away at them, he could feel MLC fading from his own current life. Just like that missing bit under the sink....one more bit of MLC to remove and replace with something better.

Well done on staying away from the convo between your son and his father. Better for your son to see how it is front and centre for himself imho, part of his learning process too. How much longer does the cheque game have to run, Mourning, as I am assuming it is linked to your daughters age/education plans? Is it worth changing how it works so it can just be a bank transfer and no more cheques? You could lie about the reason and blame it on the Nice bank ladies lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #30 on: August 18, 2019, 05:59:59 PM »
Treasur - Hmmmm, I am reconsidering that whole guillotine addition that UrsaMajor suggested. LMAO

I took a long walk, but I was considering bourbon- hold the vanilla ice cream tonight. Wow.

D came home after being away and had to tell me all about her week, which was fine. But, she was also wanting to discuss the upcoming week. I was in no mood for mental over stimulation and overload. I had already looked at this week's calendar and did said a prayer, asking for guidance on how to manage this week. There is a lot to accomplish for not only the kids, but for myself. It will get done, but it is going to be just one of those insane weeks.

So, I was processing all that D had going on. When S came through the door. Seems Xh has said he will give S $3K this year for tuition. Ah, how nice of him. Less than last year and he is making more than double. Hmmmm. No mention of D. Now, I know this little game of Xh's he did this last year and then came on with his Superman cape and gave S more money because he needs to be a hero. This is not new, so I am shaking it off a wee bit.

But, no mention of D.

D has not heard from BIL in a couple of weeks, which is odd. So, who knows what is going on there. D is going to call them tonight. And, I am fine if they are contributing to D and S's college. I just need to know as do the kids so that we can make the adjustments.

What tipped the scales were 2 things. One being D being in a very talkative mood and wanting to go with me on my errands. I was going in all honesty to get away for a bit. And had D not been gone for a week I would have taken my time away. Yes I saw her briefly, but she was gone for an extended period of time the week before, so she wanted some time alone with me - and since her F has done a remarkable job of making her feel unwanted, I have to be very mindful of when I say I need time away - today was not the time. D not only wanted to go with me, but asked if she could drive because she needs the practice. UGH. So, driving lesson was added. LOL.

I am grateful I let her drive. I learned on our way to the city that Xh, when he took her (and this is MLC Xh - the pre MLC version would have never done this) would play with his phone when D went out the three times he took her. He yelled at her when she did something wrong. She said she didn't know you weren't supposed to go around someone to the right on the shoulder if they were turning left, because everyone does it. She did it with Xh and he yelled at her and asked her "WTF are you doing"?. That would have never been how he would have responded and he would not have been on his phone. So, on the way back, I was much more aware of how I need to explain certain things to D that Xh never did. She did fine, but she chose to go a route where there are roundabouts and thank goodness it was quiet today. LOL

I came home to find S wanted to talk. His phone had broken and the ringer no longer works. The alarm is broken as well. I had told him if he could wait a couple of weeks, we would look into a new phone. He pays his car insurance and for his car while he is at school. Per the divorce I am paying for the cell phone bill. S bought the phone outright last time. Xh didn't offer to help him buy a new one, but said S needs the new one and it is only $30 a month added to the bill. I snapped. How nice of Xh to have a conversation with S about something he has no input on. S felt bad, but I told him that is where I lose it. I said unless his F is offering to pay for the phone or to buy S a new one, or help him pay for a new one, he is not a factor in my finances. I was clearly in a very "venting mood" and told S and D, who was in ear shot, that to be very clear, any expense that is on my tab and their F doesn't pay for is not up for discussion outside of this household. I told them that he chose to leave and if he has concerns he is to bring them to me, not to them.

I am tired of this aggravating game.

But, on my walk, I had to relax and be realistic. Okay, so I have 2 more years of support. Realistically, he should be now paying at least double. He should be paying for D's college and medical, etc. Yes, the checks are aggravating and he is always late, but he is paying them. So, what do I do?

If I want to push these issues, I am looking at retaining my attorney again with $5K down. That is just to get the ball rolling. That will take time and he will no doubt play more games. So best case scenario after paying my attorney, what - I might actually see $7K over the next couple of years? I am going to run the numbers, but I am really more and more just wanting him to leave me alone. The truth is, I also know the more money he "gives me" the more control he believes he can exert and will have some more input into things like college etc. I am not sure I want this type of interaction with him. I have to remind myself that he is still deep in MLC land. He is not making progress right now and I lived with the MLC monster, I know how controlling he was. And charming at times. I am not so sure I want to play that game.

And make no mistake this is not being a doormat, nor fear. This is really how is the best way to keep my boat from rocking and keeping my sanity. The money hurts, but having more to do with batsh!t crazy is more painful.

I will sit on the situation longer and see how things shake out once school starts.

And if anyone else notices it - this is par for the course for my MLCer. He likes to shake up things right as school is starting up. BD #1, BD#2, divorce finalizing, winding D up, not going to move in day with S last year… and then we had the mid semester "head poked out for a bit…followed by the end of the year blow up, only to disappear for weeks afterwards. This is just more of the same games. So, the point is, how do I not get sucked into his games, and do my best to support the kids and myself. Because, he is going to play this game again it would seem.

If I didn't have to be on the road by 6:30 am tomorrow morning to take D to deregister from her former college and be back to a meeting at noon, I would seriously be considering a couple of shots of bourbon, minus the vanilla ice cream tonight - LOL
« Last Edit: August 18, 2019, 06:05:20 PM by MourningDove »

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2019, 08:10:24 PM »
It's interesting. From the outside where I am, the check on the floor makes complete sense. I don't know if he had a tantrum and threw it on the floor. But if he didn't, his seeing a strange male in the house might have left him overwhelmed and he simply dropped the check. That he didn't bother to pick it up because he was trying to keep his composure as he was leaving. And not necessarily because he thought you had a "boy toy ", but because there are people he doesn't recognize in his family's house, who are so welcome they shower and walk the dog.

What does that kind of kindness, on both your part for allowing the stranger (to your exh) acces to your home, and on the kid's part for wanting to pay back by walking the dog, feel like to an MLCER who no longer understands kindness?

Of course, I could be wrong and he was just ticked because you didn't stay where he put you. Do you know if the check was thrown or dropped?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2019, 08:22:15 PM »
The beginning of the school year must be extra stressful for you since you also have to restart up your own school year. I suppose one advantage of a standard year round job is there is not a ramp up every single year.

I forgot, do D and S qualify for any grants/scholarships or low cost loans? My D managed to make it through a four year private college with a minimal amount of low cost loans by getting several grants and scholarships.  (The grants were not grade based, but based on other factors)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #33 on: August 19, 2019, 01:44:46 AM »
Next time he pokes his head up?



I guess it really is choosing which battles to fight and which to walk away from....

Stay away from the bourbon though.. If you are gonna go down that road, pick a good Scotch... <snort>
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Online Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #34 on: August 19, 2019, 01:51:58 AM »
OR raises a good useful point.
We learn to interpret and predict the nasty crazy stuff as part of our self protection don't we?
But of course that might mean that we infer or assume things that are not always true...or that we don't know. Maybe real detachment is when we unhook ourselves enough from what happened before to just do the facts.
He came to your house with one of his weirdly written cheques, the door was open, he came in, he met the young guy and the dog, he left the cheque on the floor, he sent a text saying 'Wow'? Is that about it?
Same with the 3k...your son has told you his father has said this. But you are also aware of a historic repeating pattern linked to the beginning of the school year so your radar is up. If you stopped interpreting but just saw the facts, would that help or hinder you?

Would you feel less triggered if you removed any interpretation or does that feel too unsafe to do yet? Would it help you if you did see it in a neutral way?
Something useful for us all to consider probably once we are a few years out or when the MLCer is less active in our lives...thanks OR, has made me review a couple of things going on right now.  :)
« Last Edit: August 19, 2019, 01:56:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #35 on: August 19, 2019, 02:51:04 PM »
OffRoad & Treasur - he stated he threw the check. Of course, yes, that could be left up to interpretation. He did grill S about this guy and made a remark about "a new boy toy" to S.

But, with that all set aside, you are both correct in that those things could easily be left to interpretation. It is not unfair to suggest that maybe I am so conditioned to the nonsense  and the like that I am expecting these things. I have not seen anything different.

It does come down to, quite frankly, how I want to deal with it. That is part of my frustration in that I want to get to a point where I can be so detached that I just don't care what happens in terms of his actions and those checks.

I think part of my reaction is also a protective mechanism for me. If I anticipate it, it aggravates me, but it is better than the shock that used to roll in.

I guess the trick for me is to try and monitor these things and not react. The additional stress of the time frame is not helping.

And, I am frustrated by Xh's lack of not only financial help, but his self-centered behaviors which allow him to schedule to be in parades and the like showing off his renovated car, but cannot make time to help S move in, or to even find out the things that need done to transfer D. And, I need to learn to let those things go, because they are just going to fall on me to manage at this point because I cannot expect anything different at this point. I will only know it when I see consistent changes to know if Xh is really making efforts.

Every year does ramp up. In a normal year, there is a bit of stress, but last year was tough because D and S were both going away to school for the first time. There was a considerable amount to worry about in regards to getting them out the door. This year is somewhat better in regards to S, as the prep work is slightly less. D on the other hand, with shifting schools is more complex. Add to the mix, in my own situation, my own college courses are somewhat easy, but my high school/college course situation is a bit more complex and is making me rather anxious.

I am waiting on answers and a whole bunch of unknowns. One being where exactly I will be teaching - not only which classroom, but if we are in fact on the new campus. They shifted courses around and last I knew, the administrators have pushed this through, but no one has actually bothered to talk to our department about logistics. I still don't have any supplies ordered, etc. I have my contract in hand, finally. But these loose ends this time of the summer are making me uneasy. It will all work out, but I am not thrilled with the lack of plans.

As for loans, yes, both kids applied for loans and scholarships. Those are not part of the ongoing issue. D will also get a break on a couple of classes she is taking at my college because both kids are eligible for a tuition break because I work there.

It goes back to what was decided on in the divorce and what the courts mandate vs what Xh likes to do to come up with his own interpretation.

UrsaMajor - You have no idea how much that made me laugh this morning. When D was about 5 we took the kids on vacation and spent time at an old fashioned arcade. D was a tiny little thing and was not into sports, etc aside from running. She was into being a princess who twirled around in a pink gown most of the time. But, it would seem D had a knack for the game Whack a Mole to the point where she beat the snot out of the little buggers. We have always joked about her hidden anger issues. So, it is rather appropriate - LOL

As for the Scotch - Got any suggestions?  ;)

D and I were out the door by 6:30 AM to get to the college. After the hour and a half drive, we went to all of the necessary departments to withdrawal and make sure we had everything cancelled. D agreed that I should drive the back roads back towards home because the traffic was insane on the toll roads and expressways. Besides, she had a desire to sight see along the way back. I was rather surprised, as she is not the kid who likes backroad travel.

I had a noon meeting with a former coworker whom I worked with 25 years ago. She had been one of my mentors and we met up with a couple of other former coworkers. It was a fun lunch, and it proved to be a good work connection. The one woman who took over my position, who I worked with briefly before leaving is wanting to do some collaborative educational things.

We had other college related items to deal with later in the afternoon and then D was going with S to his PT appointment. He is still in pain, but was happy to have D go along.

I decided not to go, as I need a nap before working late into the night on a freelance job and to prep for my day tomorrow. The day tomorrow should be a little quieter, although I am going to be driving all over.

Wednesday is going to be the tough day and then the rest of the week is somewhat "tame" although I am working each day because people are on vacation.

I so need a vacation. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #36 on: August 19, 2019, 03:44:03 PM »
Sometimes in life it takes awhile to show you the results of believing in someone and knowing they have it in them. And those moments sometimes come at just the right times to remind you that in spite of all of the stress and aggravation when you teach, that you get to witness some amazing transformations. And it comes down to people not only being resilient, but having others that believe in them.

My mentor and I had a student many, many years ago who had one of the worst upbringings one could ever imagine. It has been a long time since I have thought about her, but from time to time, I think of her in particular because she was a fighter and not always in a good way.  ::) She could be a tough nut to crack. LOL

She had every reason to be mad at the world. She was born into a family with drug problems. Her M ran off with countless men, I am not sure what the F's situation was, but she was thrown into a system that failed her in so many ways. They put her in foster homes and often the wrong type of homes - places that wanted to convert this kid into some angel right out the gate. One instance was when they put her in a home that was incredibly religious and family oriented. They were strict and one would think that would have been good for her, but it was such a culture shock that she didn't know how to acclimate. At the age of 14, the state finally granted her emancipation. It was unheard of and her then teacher suggested it. It was in many ways the best case for her, as she was by then pregnant. This young girl was  determined to get her high school diploma and the school worked countless hours to try and not only help her, but to give her life skills. And the teachers were not easy on her.

She landed in our classroom and we discovered she had a talent for photography. She came to school and just had a thirst for it. My mentor worked with her after school. The young woman worked her way off of public assistance, something she was adamant she wanted for herself - to be truly a productive citizen. But, man, she was a spitfire at times - LOL

I worked with her on and off and at one point, I took her for a portfolio review at a large university where she could have her work reviewed by several schools. She was only a sophomore. It was a brutal event and she was fuming on the way home. The nearly 2 hour drive back she spit and sputtered and we talked about what she had learned. She was so mad at me for pushing her to go to that event. About a week afterwards she came to me and apologized and realized I had not taken her there to torture her, it was because I believed in her. I didn't get paid to give up my weekend. The next year rolled around and she asked if I would take her again. We did this for 3 years.

She had other tragedies along the way. I know she has had a couple of failed marriages. But, she went on to raise 2 daughters and has been a remarkable mother.

Today, I happened to mention this young woman to my former mentor. She smiled and said this young woman worked for years after going to college and getting her degree. She just returned from a trip abroad, which made me just smile because it was one of her dreams. And she just started up her own photography business and is doing incredibly well.

What struck me today was how happy this made me and it reminded me that this young woman had things in life happen to her that many of us could not possibly survive. But, she talked about it. Not in a victim mentality, but in a way that expressed her aggravations, and her dreams.

D was sitting there while we were talking about this young woman. She said on the way home that it was a good story for her to hear right now and she has a lot to be grateful for.

Maybe I needed that reminder as well.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #37 on: August 19, 2019, 05:53:12 PM »
That little reminder pushed me a bit. In an effort to pursue some of my own things and to not let life run me I made a call to my friend “M”. I had thought of her earlier today as I stopped at a coffee shop she and I was went to awhile back. We have both been busy and saying how we needed a creative kick start.

I was reminded of a figure drawing group that meets. I sent her a text and asked if she was interested in going. She laughed and said the only thing she had planned was laundry and that could wait. Her boyfriend said to thank me. She has been wanting to go and has found every reason not to go and he knows she loves to draw.

D and S are going to an amusement park with my sister and her family. She invited me but I hadn’t committed to it and my sister was happy I was going to do something for me once. My nephew would have been disappointed but D’s boyfriend is going and between S and D’s boyfriend my nephew will have willing participants to go on rides. I took a rain check.

It is really the mental shift I need right now.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2019, 05:56:37 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #38 on: August 20, 2019, 08:37:04 AM »
My mentor had told me that our former student had a Facebook page, but is under a different name that I would have ever guessed. In my quest to let people know that they sometimes have made a difference in my own life, I sent her a message. I simply told her that she has been thought of often. I did not expect her to even remember me, much less respond. It has been many years, well over 20 years ago.

This morning I woke up to a message from her.

"Oh  you just made my heart grin so big 💜 To say I remember you fondly is such an understatement. You made such a difference by believing in me long before I could. My youngest is in today's equivelent of our class. I told her all about my amazing teacher who took me to the university for portfolio day".

I burst into tears and D walked in. All I could do was hand her my computer and let her read. She smiled and said she was betting that was from my former student.

The thing is, I don't think that young woman had any idea how much she changed my life. Prior to that, I had a pretty sheltered, idyllic life. I  heard stories about horror and tragedies, but I had never really encountered something along those lines. She was my introduction into the world of the "ugly" that truly existed in the world at times, and the pure spirit to thrive and not be a victim. She had a spark you couldn't explain and it would have been easy to give up and to accept life beat you down. And she put on a good front - that hard shell was there.

It was because of her that I think I was able to handle more of some of the other students that have come my way and to maybe see in most people that we don't always know what is going on in their lives.

When I took her to that portfolio event it was because I believed in her work and I believed she had a toughness to survive that type of event and to be true to herself. And in many ways I wanted to see that little spark of hers light up the world. She had it in her.

She had no idea her little note this morning was going to make me find that push I need right now. It gave me some perspective on my own set of circumstances and they do not define me nor do they have to confine me. I simply have to find a way to adapt a bit more to accomplish the things I want in my life.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2019, 08:41:25 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #39 on: August 20, 2019, 03:28:38 PM »
The morning kicked off with having to take D to see her specialist. There was a new nurse who came in to ask D questions and D was answering using medical terminology when the Dr came in and saw the confused look on the nurse's face. He said D is studying in the medical field and has been a "frequent flyer". He then mentioned the case study he had launched the nurse clearly knew about and he pointed at D. As we chatted, D smiled and said that in fact tomorrow is the anniversary of her injury. Wow, she is right and it will mark 4 years ago that she was in training for cross country.

On the way home, D asked to drive and shocked me when she took the backroads. I thought she was avoiding traffic, when she got a smile on her face and said it was about time she tackled the road she makes me avoid at all costs. It would be the road where D was on a trail with her cross country team, training on the lake paths. I have taken her on that road in the past and she would get incredibly mad when I would choose that way home. I never did it to torture her, as it is one of the most scenic drives around. Today, she commented that she had forgotten how pretty it was and one of these days she wants to go back on that trail and throw the offending rock in the lake.

I was off to the millwork for a few hours and then to the car dealership to have an oil change. I laughed when the mechanic came in and I said I knew by the look on his face that they have "suggestions". LOL. Yah, I have had it a year and know with all of the driving I am going to need tires and probably brakes. That was in fact the case. He actually laughed saying I didn't have to have the oil changed yet. I smiled and said I knew I was ahead of the game by a bit, but figured I had best get it done before school starts. I said I was only a couple of hundred miles early if I calculated correctly. He laughed and said that yes, I was 199 miles early and beat the dummy light coming on shouting the car needs oil maintenance. As he was talking to me, the owner walked by and said I was always on top of all of the vehicle maintenance in the household. It was true. I was the one who kept track of those things and registrations, etc. It started when I was primarily the one at home with the kids. It made sense for me to take that on. In MLC though, Xh would take his car, run it nearly out of gas and then get up and take my car leaving me to pray I made it to a gas station. And I rescued him countless times on side roads because he ran out of gas.

With having my own classes gearing up and following S to college this weekend, I knew I should just be on top of the car maintenance.

On my way to the dealership, I had my favorite radio station on that plays it all. They decided to do a block of heavy metal and then switch it up to country. I laughed when they played "How am I doin"? by Dierks Bentley. I suspect in the thick of MLC, that would have made me cry. No tears, just a bit of laughter. Yes, "How am I doin"? Hmmmm ::)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #40 on: August 20, 2019, 11:43:33 PM »
And the answer to that question is?
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #41 on: August 21, 2019, 01:01:21 AM »
OffRoad & Treasur - he stated he threw the check. Of course, yes, that could be left up to interpretation. He did grill S about this guy and made a remark about "a new boy toy" to S.
Oh, well. Pollyanna Offroad swings and misses.

Quote
As for loans, yes, both kids applied for loans and scholarships. Those are not part of the ongoing issue. D will also get a break on a couple of classes she is taking at my college because both kids are eligible for a tuition break because I work there.
That will be nice. Every little bit helps. I remember being left with D in her second year of college, S with a year of high school left, and their father off spending money like water and none of it on the kids. He never paid a penny of child support (or spousal support). And I hadn't had a full time job in nearly 20 years. Fun times, so I feel your pain.

I bet you can hardly wait for the school year to settle in.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #42 on: August 21, 2019, 05:55:21 AM »
UrsaMajor- lol. I think yesterday the DJ was having a good time with the song choices. He played a block of Dierks Bentley after his metal block. The song he chose after How am I Doin’ was Living which is probably accurate.

Some days are just days, some are tough and others I notice things to be grateful for. In the overall sense even on the days I struggle, life is much more balanced and I am generally happier. I think in all honesty when things go amok it sometimes throws me off because it is a fear.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #43 on: August 21, 2019, 09:04:38 AM »
Well, I got interrupted mid-post.

The fears that emerge at times come when I might be down on a day or have a moment of frustration. These seem normal to most people and should feel that way to me, as they are normal ebbs and flows of emotions at times. But, having gone through MLC and BD, etc, I find I am at times more susceptible to being afraid of those feelings creeping in. Because there was a time where I could barely function in the midst of all of this nonsense and I never want to get to that point again.

So, I have to vent or do reality checks now, which I never felt I had to do.

With that said, I also know while the actual BD no longer weighs on me the same way and I have to think about things in terms of how many years ago those occurred I do know because of my Xh's desire for consistency that BD #1, #2 and the divorce all coincided with that first day of school. It is hard not to at least recall that time frame. And, the truth is, life for me can be a bit more hectic getting ready as it is.

OffRoad - LOL - I actually appreciated the Pollyanna OffRoad reality check. I am not sure it was a miss. I might have misinterpreted it and have to keep that in mind. I have been conditioned to think this or that, but it doesn't mean that is still true. And  if for no other reason as to remind me that even if it was one of Xh's temper tantrums, so what? And it may very well be that Xh messes with not contributing to D's education, yet again. I have options and I have choices - in other words, he no longer controls me, no matter how hard this version of MLC Xh tries. He jerks me around, but ultimately, he has no say in my life and I need that reminder.

And in reality, he really no longer has any say in D or S's choices in terms of "legally". They are adults and co-parenting in the manner which he claims he wants to have happen (never does) has past. It doesn't mean we stop being parents, it simply is the reality, one he cannot get through his head, that they have more say in their own lives and there isn't too much we can do about it. The only recourse I have in truth, is they have to abide by my rules in my house. Beyond that, there isn't much I can do. And, I have no problem with that, as the kids are good when they are with me. Both kids voluntarily put me on all of their forms. I don't ask, nor do I expect them to do so.

I had a meeting at my new campus and D had to get registered. She was able to secure a really good schedule, in which her boyfriend will be able to drop her off and pick her up, most days, as he works near the college. On the 2 other days, she got a class that starts and ends right before my classes, so it means I will just build my office hours into that time frame and move them from after my class. In reality, for me, that is a good move as well.

Financially, this semester will be a huge savings for her. My tuition reimbursement, combined with living at home and her financial aid will pretty much eliminate a lot of the expense. She will be able to pick up with with my department if she wants the work. We need tutors and the like, and my colleague approached D about it. So, I feel better about that piece of the puzzle being in place.

My classes for the high school - that meeting was good, but wow, talk about being just thrown onto a deserted island without survival gear. It is going to be a brutal start. The classrooms aren't even done yet. I did get to tour the new building and it will be awesome when it is done.

There are some fantastic changes for me - some really good things that came about. Finally, one of the administrators said that is was beyond insane to require another teacher in the room with me. It is one of those crazy rules that if someone wasn't certified at the state level they needed a full time, certified teacher in the room. Someone finally said that these are college courses and I have all the background plus I worked in high school settings for years. Duh - yah, I think after over 25 years, I kinda have that part down. So, that will be a nice change. And, my class sizes seem manageable.

I think the thing I am struggling with a bit is that people in RL don't understand that first of all, just because it has been in fact 5 years since BD#1, and 2 years since the divorce, that I am still trying to get used to certain things. My one friend told me, who had similar financial issues to mine after her Xh obliterated their finances, that it took a good solid 5 years to get things back to normal.

I find people in RL see me functioning and succeeding, but don't often understand why I am exhausted at times. And most of it is mental exhaustion. I have a lot going on that I am going through right now even in my head in terms of logistics. Once school starts things will level back out, but this time of year is when I really need to be mindful and make time for myself.

Today, I am in a decent place and holding my own. I am off to meet my friend "M" tonight and to spend a couple of hours drawing. I really should be home working on some paperwork, but know I also need this.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2019, 09:19:13 AM by MourningDove »

Online Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #44 on: August 21, 2019, 10:09:52 AM »
Is it less a fear than a fear of feeling afraid again, Mourning?
Shaking off the residue, and finding it to shake off, does seem to take a while doesn't it?

At one point, I would have said that I would have risked my life for my then h.
Having survived this stuff, I wouldn't risk returning to that place for anything or anyone.

Sounds as if there are some good things happening though...and I hope your drawing class with M recharges your batteries.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #45 on: August 21, 2019, 07:43:30 PM »
Treasur - it is simply that fear of something slowly creeping in. That old "boiled frog" analogy. MLC crept in slowly and so, I suppose it is that mild fear of how those things can creep in. It doesn't happen often, but now and then, it filters in.

I am fighting a little patch of poison ivy on the inside of my elbow, which I am still trying to figure out how it got there. I caught it early enough that I think I have isolated that and it hasn't spread like mad in the heat - thank goodness.

Add to that this morning I woke up sneezing. I took allergy medicine, which I don't do often. Normally it helps, but I spent all of today sneezing and my boss was having fun at my expense because of the frequency. It was so bad that I almost cancelled going to figure drawing class. But, it had rained so the air was a bit cleaner.

I threw on sneakers, jeans, a charcoal/heather gray tank top and pulled my hair up in a messy bun. I had on gold hoops early in the day and decided they could remain in. I was out the door and was excited about the evening.

The group meeting have a space in a very artsy part of the city. It is one of those districts that was industrial that became run down and have now become the place for breweries, restaurants and the like. It is one of my favorite places to go explore. It is also home to the dreaded restaurant Xh and OW frequented and what she nicknamed the blueprints for Xh's cottage. I have yet to go there, but strangely, when I got there, I parked right  in front of it, and shrugged. I didn't care if I ran into OW, Xh or anyone else for that matter - I was there for me. Had it been earlier in the day, I would have gone in and had dinner.

M met me and was telling me she didn't know how I did it, as I always look amazing. I laughed and told her she was very kind, but the truth of the matter was, I picked both the jeans and top because they would not show charcoal or any other medium too easily. Basically, I could make a mess and not worry too much. She thought that was rather amusing.

We were there early and were able to pick prime seats. For figure drawing that means not sitting right on top of the lights, so that you are not blinded and on a day like today, you are not baked out of your seat.

The minute I stepped into the space, I felt this calm. I just felt like this is where I needed to be. It was a comfort I haven't felt in a space in a very long time. The right atmosphere.

The model was phenomenal. He did amazingly creative and could hold poses incredibly well. I had gone in with the idea of just having fun. The first hour, M was laughing at me as I filled an entire sheet of paper with sketches and gesture drawings - some I overlapped. I think there were 10 drawings on that page and I used very different colors than I normally do.

Those came relatively easily because I was relaxed. The longer pose got away from me, but I didn't care.

It was dark by the time we left and we are planning another night of drawing or an art opening sometime soon.

I drove home and thought about this comfort. It felt very much like it did when I was in college. A calmness and I shut the world out - just wanting to do my own creative thing. I spent so many years doing work for clients, that I haven't felt that feeling in a very long time. I didn't even realize how much I missed it until tonight.

 

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