Author Topic: My Story Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"  (Read 2837 times)

Offline stillbaffled

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My Story Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2019, 06:20:39 AM »

So much has happened since then and I often stop and recall a time when I thought I would never get over the pain, as it seemed impossible to see a life without Xh.

There are too many moments to enjoy in life to be and be grateful for - something my Xh can't seem to see.


I feel this way on occasion as well, MD. 

Yes, way too many moments to enjoy and be grateful for.  Life does, indeed, go on and I work hard now at living it in the largest way I can! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2019, 03:45:51 PM »
UrsaMajor - I believe that was D's exact reaction. She laughed and said she did not need to have this information about this guy. She is pretty sure it was a mistake. D is very careful about social media anyways. My SIL was a state trooper and showed D and S how easy it was for a predator to track down someone on social media with virtually no information to start. It was quite terrifying, TBH. So, that was the start of D, in particular not being one to share too much. Besides, she is also aware that employers will check social media. She said she shakes her head at how many friends have "fake" accounts. She has just taken the stance that if she has to create a "fake account" it is probably something she doesn't want to share anyways.

The sunflower story was a nice one and the darned thing is huge. We put it in a vase, but I heard it tip over at midnight and I came downstairs to see my kitchen floor covered in water. We had to find a much heavier vessel for it. Hard to believe the stem can hold it up.

stillbaffled - you have been doing a good job living your life since the MLC madness.  :) I actually thought of you the other day, when S talked to me about building a pole barn. It is a conversation we have been tossing about a little. All I could think about when he assured me that it didn't need to be so big that it would accommodate a combine and other vehicles, just his "toys", I thought of your barn.

It was a funny day. Lots of unexpected things that made me laugh and other things that just annoyed me a tad. I worked at the millwork this afternoon and there were documents that were half filled out by people who went on vacation. The mediocrity was a little aggravating. My supervisor and I just dug in and addressed it. The paperwork holds up the guys in the mill and the extra 5 minutes it would have taken on each project was ridiculous. It made more work for us, but it is accurate now and we made it happen.

Before I left for work, my coworker sent me a text. He knows I am a music "weirdo" in that I am full of surprises. He wanted to know if I wanted to go away with him was the first phrase. I laughed and said I wasn't exactly sure I knew how to answer that, as it might be a loaded question. LOL. He said that no, he is traveling to see Iron Maiden and his one friend bailed on him so he ended up with an extra ticket. When he mentioned who was going along, I really burst out laughing and said that might be worth just going to witness, as it is with the other guy I work with, who is so straight-laced I cannot even picture that. But, I have to work and I am not sure it is a good idea anyways. I joked with him that I figured he just wanted to get pictures of me dressed up for that concert to blackmail me with later. I am not sure I am up for a weekend with 5, thirty something year olds at a heavy metal concert. And I am not sure I want my other coworker knowing that much about me. Nope. I am good.

When I came home, there was a white truck in my driveway with NJ plates on it. Not one I recognize. S's roommate is from NJ, but I know his truck. I got out and a guy was driving a 4-wheeler around my yard. He saw me and came right over and introduced himself with a very firm handshake. Just as he was doing that, S drove in followed by S's best friend. So, it would seem S's best friend and this guy were roommates in college out in the midwest. He came for a visit and S was going to fix his truck for him that acted up. It was all good, but of course, because my life is so bizarre, my one set of neighbors that live way down on the opposite end of the road, drove by and they are gossips. I laughed and thought "here I go again" - what rumor will be spread this time. They were friends with Xh, so it is always amusing to hear what will come about. Luckily, they so rarely drive down the road and take the alternate route to wherever they are going, I rarely encounter them.

So, let's see what funny story I will hear now. LOL.

At least now, it is amusing and doesn't get to me. Let them come up with some cockamamie story. I know my truth as do my real friends. Which is I come home to a houseful of twenty something year olds most nights. Walk my dog and on occasion I dress up and go out to an art opening or perhaps a tractor pull - LOL. Not exactly partying with the Iron Maiden crowd. LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2019, 02:09:33 AM »
Iron Maiden?  and a full moon (tomorrow)?  What could POSSIBLY go wrong? <snort>


As far as the fake accounts go, D has the right attitude - if I need to fake it, it probably means that I don't want to be identified with it and therefore probably means it should NOT be shared...  :o  I know that an applicant for an Operations Engineer here was rejected because of the crap they had posted to their FB account... The Ops Manager was NOT interested in his life of drunken parties...

I HAD to start laughing when I read about S and the Pole Barn... and, of course, the FIRST person I thought of was SB... especially when S said it wouldn't need to be big enough to hold a combine.... <snort!>
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2019, 02:17:06 AM »
Funny isn't it that most LBS become a bit allergic to social media for a while, probably bc the disordered are so fond of it  :)
And post-MLC, we might need to decide on what and how we reengage with it or don't depending on the circumstances of our work and family life.
But yeah, there is a lot of crazy out there and I think your daughter is quite right...if I need a fake a/c, probably means I'd be better to step away lol. Never had a fake anything like that actually...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2019, 08:22:09 AM »
UrsaMajor - LMAO - yes, what possibly could go wrong with that entire scenario? LOL. For one thing, I am not really a huge Iron Maiden fan, even with a free ticket being waved at me, and I like my metal bands. My apologies to any Iron Maiden fans - LOL.

Had I grabbed onto that invite I am sure there might have been a wager as if to whether or not I was going down the MLC path myself. LOL

In all honesty, had it just been my coworker, I still would not have gone. My head has not been in the right place lately and I am afraid I could find myself in a very reactive mood and do something I might question myself on later.

The other issue that had me uncomfortable is the other coworker. I get along with him, but I don't trust him in the same way I do my coworker. Other coworker is not as cautious as my coworker in terms of social media, etc. My coworker has social media accounts, but he is very guarded about what he posts and such. The other is not. He posts every thought, every picture and allows students to have access to the accounts. He is young himself and he once asked me why I don't allow students on my Facebook account. I told him that I don't feel most of them need any more access to my life. I have former students on occasion, but they have to be former students and at least 18. I am not going to open myself up that way. It is not that I have anything to hide as such, but I don't like my personal life put out on display without my knowledge. I may be social and bubbly in public, but I am very private. Even my Facebook account, I really don't put too much out there for people to see.

It did make me feel good though to be asked and for someone to think of me.

And funny thing was, I was actually looking into a couple of concerts, one being Lindsey Stirling, which is not exactly Iron Maiden. LOL.  In the meantime, my friend from high school called to see if I wanted to go with her to a couple of concerts. She didn't mention which ones. I suspect it will be some 80's group or a country concert. But, we always have had a good time. We will see.

Treasur - I was never a huge fan of social media and then completely cut myself off for awhile from Facebook because of OW. Instagram, I will probably never get into only because that is a huge trigger for me. Xh lived his life on Instagram and I saw several photos of OW that I will never be able to unsee that came up on the screen. He spent his whole MLC fueling that fake acquisition of followers and friends and it bothers me still. I won't pretend otherwise.

I went on a complete, nearly off the grid approach during MLC for a year. At that time, I carried 2 cell phones with me at all times. One for home. One for work. They were always ringing. When the job ended and moved out of the area, I had to hand in that phone. Xh took me off of his corporate account but added both kids. It was a clear FU statement at the time. Right after BD#1. So I decided to not get a cell phone. I virtually quit social media and the only thing I kept up with was my emails for work and such. It was tough at first, but the only time I missed the phone was in an emergency and finding a pay phone was impossible. I really did not miss the phone after that year. I have one now and am back on Facebook, but the rest - I could care less about.

It is in many ways about being fake. I am never going to be comfortable with that aspect. It is not in my nature. I have a few "friends" on Facebook that I scratch my head and wonder what I was thinking at the time - mainly former classmates of mine from high school that weren't really my friends then, but we all sort of accept those friends because it seems like a good idea at the time. LOL.  ::) I have unfollowed a couple of them. I haven't unfriended anyone other than Xh and that was after he and OW played games. But, unfollow - there have been a couple of guys I went to school with that would get into political debates on a daily basis to the point where neither was going to sway the other and after MLC, I have no stomach for those types of arguments. It was way too similar to MLC monster for me.

I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night. Fell right asleep and then was wide awake for absolutely no reason at 3 am. By 3:30 I logged into Facebook and I knew as soon as I did, I would be busted and my friend abroad yelled at me for being up. LOL. We chatted awhile and by 4:30, I was finally tired.

As I was online, a news bulletin flashed on the screen and there had been a body found not too far from my house. As of this morning it is being considered a homicide. That was a shock. This area doesn't normally see too many murders and I can think back to maybe one 25 years ago in our town. Beyond that, it is a pretty quiet community. It didn't alarm me as the details seem like it was a hit and specific. Sad and I wish these things didn't happen, but it certainly doesn't make me want to pack up and move, which was what my other friend said to me. She has a flair for the dramatic anyways - LOL. If she had enough money, she would be the type of person who would move every time she was unhappy with the weather in the area, no matter where she was.  ::)

I had to be up for a doctor's appointment this morning with a dermatologist to just do a general check up. With fair skin, I know I have to mindful and all was fine, but I had to laugh when the nurse came in and said I would have to strip down and was it okay if not only the doctor came in but the visiting resident. Both were men. I told her I had nothing to hide at this point in my life and laughed thinking that this is what is has come to - LOL

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2019, 02:21:08 PM »
My GP is a woman and I think about half the time, she's more embarrassed than I am..... LOL

And, I have Lindsey Stirling tickets for the 12th of September. Last year I took S for his birthday (first concert) and this year it's both kids....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2019, 02:39:30 PM »
Sometimes the reminders of MLC just creep in. It is not actually always a bad thing anymore, at least not in this case.

I had gone to work at the millwork and my supervisor and I were discussing an old project. I stopped and realized it would have been a project that Xh had taken on, one I wasn't supposed to know about. It lead to a second project. The first was designing and installing a kitchen for a woman that was an employee of one of his clients. She was an older woman and treated him like a son. I always liked her. I wasn't supposed to know about that job, but mind you the woman was loaning him her car at times (I can't recall why) and he would have me drop him off there. He was always evasive about the work he was doing, but I knew it was one of those I would later note in the divorce. It was not something I pummeled him on, but little does he know, I had evidence of the income and tucked it away in case I needed it.

It got to that point, I am afraid. It is not something I ever hope to repeat. I am not someone who operates well under falsehoods or lack of trust. I don't generally collect evidence. But, I had to in order to protect myself and the kids.

I know darn well that this little kitchen renovation was the excuse OW gave her H to have Xh show up at their house. I don't know how much he was involved in it, but they found reasons for him to be there.

None of that matters anymore in the grand scheme of things, at least not in terms of my own forward motion. What it does do at times though is to remind me and not in a triggering manner, but a reminder that I did not imagine some of the changes.

My supervisor has never mentioned having met Xh. I know my boss had several times over the years, but not for that particular project. This  would have been in the MLC era. She gave me a look today and said she could not see how I was ever married to him, as he came across as a used car salesman in his approach - over the top. I laughed and said that was not the same man I married. I told her that in his crisis he had a need to behave in a manner which was insincere. For many years I did not witness that from him. He could put on a good dog and pony show for clients, but it was with a level of humbleness and dignity, not this schtick he had going on.

I pulled out my phone and showed her a pictures I still have on my phone. They don't bother me nearly as much as they once did. I didn't save them to somehow fawn over Xh or to get mad, they have simply become gentle reminders at times for me that I have not imagined this transformation.

I pulled up a photo of Xh with the kids and I from when they were little. He was genuinely happy and at that time wore his hair cropped short, and wore suits. I never minded the transition to more casual attire, but the long hair, with a pony tail and Kurt Cobain daily wear was a huge shock from what had been. My supervisor's eyes got big and said "WTF"?. I laughed and said I have muttered that a thousand times if not one.

She expressed sympathy and said it had to be a sad thing. It was, but life has been moving on.

I have a lot to be grateful for and at times it only takes a simple thing to remind me that I am in a much better place - away from the madness. My phone had rung earlier in the afternoon and my sister had called. She relayed some information about a doctor's appointment my M has. She was on her way to "hitting practice". I laughed and said it was a good thing I knew what she was referring to. She picked up my nephew from the batting cage and the phone rang again. It was my nephew. He wanted to say hi and wants to know when he can come and stay with me. I laughed and said I would look at the calendar and we would make a date. He was clearly loving that idea.

I must admit, I am liking it as well.  :)

LOL - UrsaMajor, you posted right as I was about to post.

I apparently have no issues just dropping my clothes in front of random men - LOL. This was a new doctor. Okay, maybe not just random men. LOL ::)

As far as Lindsey Stirling, I can guarantee my tickets are not for the September 12th concert - as I am assuming she is playing in Germany. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2019, 06:24:51 PM »
I took the dog for a long walk. When I left, S had several cars in the driveway. The young man who was here yesterday was on his way back here because his truck is not running properly. S offered to help him fix it.

By the time I came home from the walk, there were a couple of additional cars, including D's boyfriend. His car was making a noise and S said it was the brakes. S said he will fix those for D's boyfriend this weekend. D was still at my colleague's house with the dog and cats.

I had made brownies before I left, knowing the boys would dig into them. When I saw S's other friends had shown up to help, I made a decision to go in and make them dinner. The only thing S had asked me for was some rags, as he was out of them in the garage. It was like a regular pit crew out there.

When I came back out with plates, silverware and a platter, the guys all stopped and stared. I had cooked a steak for the 3 remaining guys. S gave me a hug and I overheard the one friend say to S that he couldn't believe I had done that. S laughed and said that was just me and I used to do the same for Xh when he was working in the garage late at night. I didn't always bug him to come in and eat dinner, etc.

I have made a lot of mistakes throughout my marriage and am far from perfect, but that was one of those things Xh accused me of at one point - being selfish. I questioned myself on that front over and over.

I didn't baby Xh and tonight I joked with the guys that I was making sure they ate properly, but I expected my silverware and plates back in the house tonight. They obliged and put them in the dishwasher.

I didn't wait on Xh hand and foot. But I did care and enjoyed taking care of him sometimes. S's friend came in and thanked me again. He went on to say I care more about him than his own M when I asked him if he had gotten enough to eat. That made me sad for him.

I am not always thrilled with the extra cars and kids at my house. But, on nights like tonight, when I see them all working together, I will put up with my car being parked in the yard. LOL

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2019, 06:58:30 PM »

I HAD to start laughing when I read about S and the Pole Barn... and, of course, the FIRST person I thought of was SB... especially when S said it wouldn't need to be big enough to hold a combine.... <snort!>


MD - for sure your S needs a pole barn!  Just don't let him get carried away with the size of the thing.  Lol! 

UM - Lindsey Stirling as in the musician I watched on Dancing With the Stars?!?  I love her!  What a fun concert to attend. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2019, 03:14:52 AM »
UM - Lindsey Stirling as in the musician I watched on Dancing With the Stars?!?  I love her!  What a fun concert to attend.

SB, yep. That's the one!

MD, yep! Jahrhunderthalle Framkfurt...
https://www.facebook.com/tours/592215871266787/
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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