Author Topic: My Story Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"  (Read 2710 times)

Online MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #120 on: October 07, 2019, 09:44:00 AM »
Savoir Faire & Ursa Major - I am honestly shocked at how after having that event I somehow wasn't worn to a complete frazzle and it maybe helped me. It seems so very strange. If I were to explain to someone in RL, they would think I must be nuts, but in some odd way, I needed this push to want to create that distance from MLC. And it has maybe been a bit of a blessing, although I am not about to send Xh some sort of thank you card. LOL

Maybe I needed that feeling of "I can do this". The triggers that really struck me were that I was more upset about the character assassination aspect than the money. I was upset about not being more aware of my own actions at the time of MLC and putting a stop to it, or at least trusting a person who was not who I once knew. I wanted to believe that my MLCer, who had a history in MLC of obliterating finances was going to somehow turn into that man I was married to and do the right thing. Ha - I felt like a fool on Wednesday afternoon.

Yet, the turn was tackling the windows getting ordered. Today, I got notice that they are going to be starting my roof this week, due to a good stretch of weather this week. I am preparing to write that giant check as well.

S is gathering the information for the pole barn to be built.

It looks like to many I must be in debt up to my eyeballs, or going on a serious spending spree. Yes, some of the money is from my trust, but I have budgeted really well and I am almost shocked. I will slow up the spending after the big home improvements are done and start saving for the things I will tackle in the spring. The driveway repairs will go on hold. And I have my little wish list of "hope I can make it happen" which include the fireplace being addressed in the living room so I can actually use it and some other items.

D was laughing because this weekend I also addressed a couple of things in the kitchen that have been on my list of aggravations for quite some time. The refrigerator ice maker broke and Xh didn't want to repair it. It is something I can do myself and the part isn't terribly expensive. The stove Xh bought has never sat quite right and the drawer rolls out. It needs leveling and there is a part missing on the back of the range or it needs to be set back closer to the wall. Things Xh would not let me address and I decided enough was enough on Saturday. I am setting up a visit from the service rep to come and reset the stove, only because we are dealing with a gas line, something I think is best left to an expert.

I also addressed on Friday an issue I have been very patient and nice about at the high school. I have needed access to somethings that require help from IT. Our IT person is very busy, but this is not just something I want. He has been evasive and I have not been the only college professor having this issue. It is a pain in the butt to resolve, I get it, but it has been 5 weeks and I have grades due. When I got no where and the other professor complained, I took it on and asked my new principal what needed to be done. No one else was complaining loud enough. I mentioned to her that I was not looking to be a pain, but it was impacting my students and reflects poorly on me as well, neither of which I was willing to tolerate in the long run. Anyone who knows me knows that I will remain quiet and be patient until my students are negatively impacted or my program. I walked in this morning and low and behold the IT person said it didn't take but 15 minutes to take care of. I wanted to be a b!tch and say to him, yah, 15 minutes and 5 weeks, but I know better than to make him my enemy.  ::) The other professor thanked me for being more vocal about it. That too did not exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy, as I wanted to say to him that he could have pursued it as well. This is why I suddenly get the reputation of being a trouble maker. The funny thing was the principal laughed and informed me that my coworker had said not too long ago that I am a person who wants to do a good job and I don't look for problems - if I see them, I simply want solutions and to move on. She then added that she also put in a rush to move my classroom into the new lab areas, that none of the other classes seem to be using and wanted to know what materials I would like. And, she mentioned my students have been talking about a mural idea and artwork for the walls that I brought up. She wants to pursue that as well. So, maybe I have found an administrator who has just enough "trouble maker" in her to make some things happen. LOL

Last night, I realized I have a very odd week next week. I have a break for Columbus Day from the high school on the traditional holiday, and I can flex my millwork schedule. I am off completely for the weekend and can get coverage for my Friday afternoon if I want. I am owed a favor at the gallery. I have to work Tuesday at the high school, but college has an event that cancels classes. I have my Wednesday open. So looking at these odd blocks of potentially free time, I was struck by a crazy desire to perhaps get away for a day or 2 to do something or absolutely nothing - LOL. I found myself searching for an area I can get to in a reasonable amount of time and it is the end of their tourist season, yet still lovely this time of year, so I was finding hotels for a 3rd of their normal rates. I am not sure yet on when, but I am very serious about this escape idea. LOL. It also then lead me to search out some places I have never been in that area. I am not banking on anything, just yet. I actually laughed when I realized Xh's support check will be showing up, if his "schedule" stays on track  ::) and I will be receiving that in the mail. I have already paid S's tuition and such ahead of schedule, so technically his "contributions" have been covered to the household. I must admit the idea of cashing that check and taking "his money" is really appealing at the moment, after the Wednesday tax blow up.

And, not to worry - I am not in MLC territory, nor am I in vindictive mode. It is merely my twisted sense of humor trying to keep myself sane during all of this. I have had to learn how to laugh at it all. Meanwhile, I thought last night as D and I were in the kitchen together, I wondered  if Xh is really any happier in his little cottage on a Sunday night. He used to love to cook Sunday dinners together. I was washing the dishes and cleaning up as D tackled her first chicken pot pie from scratch. She was so proud of herself. And it took away my aggravation from earlier when she came to me in the middle of the day and wanted to go get groceries, something I hadn't planned on for my Sunday afternoon.

I felt a bit of compassion for XH in that moment as she pulled her creation out of the oven. He has made a huge mess of his life, and is missing out. In that compassion was also a reality that I wasn't wishing he was there to share in that moment either. I was not missing his company. It was a sense of peace and calm that continued from earlier. Acceptance that this is the way things are and it is okay.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #121 on: October 07, 2019, 07:50:25 PM »
Don't feel too bad for your XH, he chose the life he now has >:(  I feel the same about mine when S22 has a new thing to share with me that I know he won't tell his father.  I also watch S22 grow up in front of me, his little smiles as he thinks about so many things that make him happy.  We have built a very happy life together here and not one bit is thanks to xH.  XH has missed out on all the important stuff in our lives and for what?  A woman who wants his money.  Shallow indeed.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #122 on: October 08, 2019, 08:37:32 AM »
Savoir Faire - LOL. I guess my level of compassion for my Xh lies in he is in crisis, but much like you say, he is making choices. I think this is something that is very hard for many of us to wrap our head around.

When someone in RL asks me about it, I equate it to loving someone with an addiction. It may be an illness, but to a certain degree it is their choices. They may not be strong enough to get help on their own, but ultimately for many of us, we witness them make choices and if we let them, they would gladly take us down with them because whatever they are fighting is a stronger pull.

But, it is Xh's choice. Sunday night, I think it was just a moment of wondering if Xh even thinks about those moments or is he so out of touch that he has no idea how those simple moments are often the best moments. Watching that smile cross D's face when she pulled that perfectly browned crust out of the oven was perfect. The only problem I have now is she is on a cooking kick, which includes baking. I know it is a good problem to have, although last night she made some lemon concoction that I am hoping is going to her BF's M, who loves lemon because I could eat the entire thing myself - LOL. OMG.  ;D

The contractors started on my parent's roof today. They are projecting that next week they will start mine. I am not sure when that might be and I may have to plan accordingly if I want to escape in my little time frame. I have narrowed down a few ideas, but I am also not beyond going on a bit of real whim and taking a distance like 3-4 hours in any direction and see where I get. I used to do it all the time prior to being married and Xh used to embrace that type of travel. It has been a long time since I have done that. And the last time I travelled anywhere on my own was for work, probably 8 years ago. I will admit there is a bit of fear in me at the idea of even booking my own hotel. That is a strange feeling. It is not even being in a hotel by myself that is any fear, it is just that process. That moment of booking something and having a little voice in my head (it is always Xh's MLC voice I hear) that I am somehow doing it wrong and am going to muck it up. It is such a strange thing for me, for I never really feared messing things up, as I was raised to believe it was okay to screw up and how you learn. I am working through that fear as it seems completely silly. Yup, I could end up stranded in the middle of nowhere  ::)

My friend gave into the pressure from her H, her M and myself to go ahead with her surgery. She was admitted this morning and I am so hoping this resolves her health issues. I know the stress of the financial aspect is weighing on her, but I have faith in her H, as he is an example of being a supportive partner. He is keenly aware of the sacrifices she makes on the weekends to help him run his business and she never complains. They work together and always have. I have offered to bring them food or to help by bringing her S over to the hospital after he gets out of work tonight. I think her M has it covered for today, but my friend, who I don't see often said it before I did - she and I have been friends since the 6th grade and we have each other's back.

D has come down with what her BF had. She is in bed, trying to rest up and hopefully will not be down for days. Luckily with the contractors not coming until next week, she won't have to put up with additional noise.

My morning at the high school was a good one. I popped into my principal's office to run an idea by her. She shared a story with me that made me smile. It was about a teacher ruining her desire to play the piano for year. It had to do with having a really difficult day and she was playing the music in a much harsher tone than normal and it was in a practice room. It was not that she was hurting the piano nor was she performing, she was processing. She said the instructor threw the door open and told her that was not the right way to play that piece. She said for a year she didn't play.

It was a conversation about our students and the particular problems some of them come to school with. It was about having structure and yet letting them also find positive ways of coping with their emotions. It lead into continuing our discussion about the desire for artwork to be in the new building. She is very much of the same mind I am in - to let the kids dream first before we put constraints on. That is, she loves that I told them to brainstorm what they would like to see happen and not to say it can't. One kid mentioned wanting a sculpture. He right away shot it down and I told him to go with the idea, that he has no idea where we might find willing people to make it happen. I might know someone  ::)

The principal asked me a question that was so funny. The best way I could answer it was to tell her the story of the 3 drawers. She lit up and said she wants to adopt that concept in school and asked if it was okay with me. I laughed and said I didn't own it and I may have to call my former professor and let him know he has really created a monster - LOL.  ;D

The principal and I agreed that from now on she and I can say to one another "that belongs in drawer 1, drawer 2 or that is definitely drawer 3".

It has been a good way to start my day.  :)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #123 on: October 09, 2019, 02:46:52 AM »
Sounds overall like a fairly decent day... except for D's cold....

As far as having compassion for the Mid-Lifers, yeah OK.  It is their actions that make me crazy..... and, like you said, they would have no qualms about taking us down with them if they can....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #124 on: October 09, 2019, 02:50:52 AM »
Ditto on that one Ursa!  Taking people down is what they do best >:(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #125 on: October 09, 2019, 06:21:49 AM »
UrsaMajor & Savoir Faire - I think I am struck as of late by how so many of us unfortunately have MLCers that are on that slow path to exiting the tunnel.

It is not to say there isn't hope for some, and for the newbies, it is not, for me at least a belief that some MLCers don't do the work and come out of this. For my own situation, I had to accept my MLC Xh is not the man I knew for so long and I had to sort out the truth from the MLC history rewrite. XH's accounting of our lives at MLC really took awhile for me to untangle.

My own anger and frustrations at times could have migrated to bitterness and resentment. Under the circumstances it would have been completely normal and understandable to allow those feelings to take over. And at times they start to bubble up when my MLC Xh does something to hurt the kids, when that is something that is so beyond comprehension for me at this point. I have come to expect him to come after me. It doesn't hurt me the same way, as in I know who I am and my truth. I find when he comes after me I am angry that he won't just leave me alone and let me move forward. Or the feeling that, for instance like last week where I have my name in the paper and I am just upset that I feel like I am being painted yet again like some horrible person publicly, when all I want to do is move past the MLC.

I don't think about my XH daily or obsess over what could have been if he had just gotten help any longer. He does enter my mind, but not in the same manner as it once was. There might be a memory that is particularly happy and I really equate it now to like those memories of my deceased grandparents or people who have passed. I don't long for Xh the same way.

Yesterday, I was on my way home and a song came on the radio which I haven't heard in a very long time. It was one my very first serious boyfriend used to always play for me. He died a few years ago very tragically, and I have a soft spot for him in my heart. Having dated seriously on and off for 6 years before I finally said I had enough. He had tripped into a partying lifestyle at college and it lead to drugs and alcohol - something I just couldn't accept into my own life. He never pushed me to participate, in fact he behaved around me, but on the weekends, I would get calls from parties where he was clearly on something. After 6 years, I had to accept this was his path. But, I knew what kindness and goodness was at his core and hoped one day he would find his way out.

The song, made me smile and hoped that he has somehow found peace in his life, but it also had me thinking about my Xh. I look back now and see where the 2 times he and I broke up that maybe there were warning signs I didn't really want to face. He had abandonment issues very early on and I was young and naive at the time. I was there for the years after his parent's divorce and witnessed the pain he was feeling, but I thought he was dealing with it in his own way. Even back then, he at least talked about his feelings and troubles. The reality is though, he really needed professional help.

This is not about blame or somehow wishing it was different now. This was a moment for me of just seeing I tried to be a supportive person and it is not enough. It comes down to having to at some point do our own mirror work and ask for help and support.

When I had company a few weekends ago, I took that person around and we visited a lot of places. Some were places Xh and I had been before. When this person asked if I had been here or there before, I will admit, when I was asked I felt an odd fear. It was a fear of should I not be here or there with someone else because I may have spent times there with Xh. And this was all on me - that pause and wondering why I chose this spot. I realized very quickly, that in fact, I hadn't really thought about whether or not Xh and I had spent time there. I wanted to share it because it was one of my favorite places because it was my own feelings, not associated with my Xh and some moment he and I had.

It makes moving on complicated at times, because in fact there is a life prior to the one I am living now. A history. But that person is not dead in the truest sense. My Xh still lurks around but not even as an apparition. He is still a human walking around, although to me the man I knew is dead. The pre MLC version is a ghost. That is not an easy concept to wrap your head around or to explain to someone who has not experienced that feeling.

For me the reality was yesterday, upon hearing that song I know that my love for my Xh is like that of my former boyfriend. There is always going to be a soft spot for who they were and the time we shared. But for me, it is just different now. I don't long for that person. I can't see a future with him, because he isn't who he was and in realty too much has now changed. I am no longer who I was either.

If I say this in RL, the assumption, because I am divorced would be that we grew apart. I know plenty of people that grow and change, but somehow still stay together and learn to accept the changes. I have witnessed the extreme changes where couples do grow apart. I am at a point where it might not have been what I wanted to happen, but I have not only accepted it, but maybe have embraced it. Not all the changes have been bad for me.

Yes, I could have seen a very different outcome if Xh had gotten help at the same time I healed. It didn't happen. I can wonder why all I want.

I wrestled with the concept of God's plan and freewill for a very long time. I pondered tests we are perhaps given in life.

All of those musings only lead me to the point where I am at today, which is I may never know the answer to that question. All I know is this path feels more solid than the MLC path I was trying to stay on with my Xh. Those moments of peace and contentment are there more often. There are different desires and dreams. My wish for Xh is he gets some help for his own sake and perhaps the kid's sake. My wish for him is that he finds some peace some day, but in the meantime, I would really like it if he just left me alone to walk my own path and quit throwing rocks at me. LOL

Online Treasur

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #126 on: October 09, 2019, 06:36:26 AM »
I could have written almost every word you wrote, Mourning.

Took me a long time to untangle what I thought MLC xh was/is and who I experienced as my h and the transition between the two. And to untangle by myself what I thought about my/our history vs what I thought his rewritten version was and what his behaviour suggested it was.

There is something very wrong with these men...something previously unseen and hidden usually...bc leaving or even an affair is not enough destruction for them. The simple truth is that normal healthy adults don't act this way, even unfaithful ones who want to end their marriages after the initial dust settles. There is a rage and hatred and self pity in them which is hard to see and uncomfortable to be around.

And then to accept that there were a ton of things I didn't know and might never. Along with some not very nice things I did know.

And then to see my h as dead and MLC xh as nothing to do with me. Easier for me of course bc we had no kids and I was able to go NC completely after the divorce. And bc I lost other people so I suppose it is more of the same.

And then to figure out how I felt about it all and both versions of him and myself. And what, if anything, I hope for the once much loved human with my h's face and for myself. And working through all the what ifs and why not us/me stuff too. Not all the changes have been bad for me either and I increasingly see what I was saved from rather than what I lost. And if I get a moment, as you did with that song you associated with an earlier love, when a place or a memory or a song makes me smile and think fondly of my former h or my former marriage, that's quite nice.

Ha ha, sounds like the famous Three Drawers in action right?
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 07:30:08 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #127 on: October 09, 2019, 09:01:05 PM »
Treasur - the Three Drawers have been getting a work out the past few days.  ;D

I found myself having a "moment" today when life started to pound down a bit. I am aware I am coming off of last week's nonsense and just trying to keep pace right now. I have had very little time to truly process all of it. I have been relatively calm, but was not under the complete illusion that I was somehow not going to feel the ripples still. It snuck up on me a tiny bit though.

It was my day to take for myself, but I had accepted today was not going to be particularly relaxing or one where I was going to be able to somehow do something fun and mindless. Today was a day where I was going to make headway on things, or so I thought.  ::)

I made calls to the insurance company for the construction company, yet again. Finally around 8 pm tonight I got a call giving me a name of an adjuster working on behalf of the construction company. I am waiting on the final results of the sheriff's report to be released.

Then in came a call from another insurance company. I thought it was odd, but I called back only to find out this was something else.

I have on occasion received calls from an elderly woman on my cell phone looking for her niece or granddaughter. I have spoken to her and told her that this is not that woman's phone number a couple of times and now just let it go to voicemail. The call this morning was different. It was in regards to an accident and they were looking for this young woman to get her side of the story. Hmmm. Okay, that didn't make me feel particularly secure. As it turns out, after speaking with the auto insurance agent, this was phone number last associated with this woman and she is still using it on documents, but clearly she is not the owner of that number. I have had this cell phone number for 3 years now. I cleared it up with the car insurance company, but it made me uneasy. Where else might this woman be using that number and giving it out? She seemed to have no problem sharing it 2 days ago when she put it on a document. If it had been an oversight, I wouldn't have been upset, but I will admit, this didn't do much to make me relax.  ::)

I was just trying to check off things on my to do list and make headway when my M showed up. I mentioned to her I am seriously considering going away for a day or 2. She right away asked if I was meeting so-and-so. My response was one of genuine shock and decided to pursue this line of thought she was having. I asked her if that were the case, would it somehow make a difference. She stunned me by saying that in fact she would honestly feel better if I were going away with someone.

This lead to a conversation about her concerns with me going away. She was not understanding my need to get away. She tried to convince me to join my F and herself next weekend for a get away, as they are going on vacation. Then came the idea that they were thinking of going to visit my cousin and his new W's house this Sunday. She was worried that I somehow was following the MLC path and luckily my F had my back. He said he didn't understand what my M didn't get, considering before I was married, I would travel on my own. He reminded my M that I went to Europe for a month and the only communication I had was postcards and maybe a phone call or 2.

In this era of technology, I am realizing for my M it is not a good thing. She actually worries more now than she did before when she can't reach me. It has nothing to do with her living right next door because she does the same with my sister, who lives an hour away.

My F tried to tell my M that I, like him, need to just shut off the daily stuff for a bit. My F escapes into his studio or from time to time goes off in his MG for a ride for a couple of hours. He said the problem I have is no one leaves me alone. I am with D all the time now, even on my drives as of late because she is trying to get practice. When I had company, the accident at the house happened and I still had to check in.

I rarely get time to just be "off the clock". I am trying to find that balance and I am getting better, but I need this escape.

By the time the conversation with my M rolled in, I could feel myself needing to just get in the car and drive. I haven't done it in awhile, and I found myself talking myself out of it. I had more to do.

And then came the call. It was my sister. I could hear the exhaustion and stress in her voice. Her FIL had surgery today and she was going to be driving him and her MIL home. My BIL has just started a new job and she didn't want him to take off. The surgery took longer than anticipated and my niece and nephew were now going to be home alone. My sister was not asking for help. She was just needing a person willing to listen to her. I ran the time in my head and told my sister that she didn't get to talk me out of it, but I was going to get in my car and go be with her kids. I knew that they could be alone for a time and my BIL could pick them up and take them with him to pick up my sister, but it would lead to a late night for them. I said it made more sense for me to go sit with them and get them ready for school, etc. My sister gave in and said she knew I had a lot going on.

I found my whole body relax once I hit the road and even wasn't terribly upset about hitting rush hour traffic. I needed the mental shift.

I arrived to find my niece running to the door. I did not expect the newly minted teenager to be happy to see me. She gave me a big hug and I walked in to find both she and my nephew doing their homework and my niece actually was helping him by helping him search for a map on the computer. They finished all of their homework and had lunches made for tomorrow. We talked for a time and they both were worried about their grandfather. We caught up on what they are up to. We were laughing and having a good time. I then asked them if they wanted to go get a treat for dessert. My nephew's eyes got big and wanted to know what that might be. I told him to tell me what would he absolutely love right then and there. He told me it was a slice of cake from the bakery - a special vanilla cake. I know the one and I am normally not a vanilla cake person, but I will admit this one is fantastic. I could see my niece wanted something different. She wanted cheese cake. I laughed and said it could be done and we would go buy individual slices. My niece said that was more expensive and they don't normally do that. I laughed and said I didn't either, but what the heck, I felt like being a bit careless.

We came home and made dinner and ate our treats at the kitchen island and both kids spent a long time with me. After awhile they went off to go shower and to just relax as I did some paper work for school.

My sister called and was shocked when I said they were all ready for tomorrow. My BIL was in the car by then and he said he was so incredibly grateful I was there, as my sister and he realized the kids might be nervous about their grandfather's surgery and it was getting late.

I sat in my sister's house and while I love their house, I found myself so grateful for my house with all of the flaws and character. I don't belong where my sister lives. It doesn't suit me. Being there made me appreciate what I do have, but I also was so grateful for the time with my niece and nephew. They brought a sense of calm back to me and I was glad I was able to maybe repay a bit of the time my sister and BIL helped me over the years.

When they came in the door, my sister handed me an envelope. It was from my BIL's parents and insisted I take it. In the envelope was cash. I asked my sister what that was about. She laughed and said I should know not to question her in laws. They were so thankful I was with their grandchildren (their only grandchildren) and they knew it was a work night for me. My sister had been on the phone with me when her MIL overheard part of the conversation and she laughed telling my sister I need to go spend some money on myself and have fun.

I felt a little odd about the whole monetary gift, but then again, I know from experience that my sister's in laws are generous. They are genuine in their sentiment and I am sure they were grateful I was there for their grandchildren. I certainly didn't do it for that reason, but it was a nice reward.

At first D had been annoyed I was going, but she got over it, realizing that at the same age, D would have been anxious and concerned about her grandparents, so she understood why I went.

My sister called me on my way home and said she knows I am doing well, but she also knows I am struggling a tiny bit with people not realizing that some of the things they are seeing are in fact things that have always been there. It changed when I was the one who would stay home, willingly when the kids needed to be in school and Xh would travel. She said I am stripping back to who I was. Then of course in a way only a sister can, she started to joke with me and ask if there were any other things she should be prepared for. I had to remind her that she was the kid that gave my M grey hair, not me.  ;D

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #128 on: October 10, 2019, 01:16:59 AM »
So, enquiring minds want to know.... What did/will you treat yourself to?

That was a really nice thing for them to do off-the-cuff like that, not to mention you taking the time to go be with the kids. It sounded like they had things pretty much under control as far as the homework and they actually made their lunches for the next day.... but I am sure that they enjoyed and appreciated your being there (not to mention the cake!  ;) )
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Online MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Gladly Accepting the Title of "Enigma"
« Reply #129 on: October 11, 2019, 11:06:09 AM »
UrsaMajor - LOL. Well, I am not sure what I will do as of yet to treat myself. I am up for suggestions.

I have quite frankly not come up with specific plans as of yet. This week was a crazy pace with progress reports due for the high school and little loose ends.

I took the cash and used some of it in the most responsible way - LOL. I needed to pay for the dog's license that came due. LOL. Okay, that was only because their credit card machine was down, otherwise I would have probably put it on my debit card and I didn't have my checkbook. LOL

My sister's in laws called and said again how much they appreciated it and as I told my sister, there was no question in my mind at the time - those kids needed someone and I could do it. Sure, I was tired yesterday after getting home so late, but it had been a good evening. And, I know how many times my sister has helped me over the years with my kids, when they were little. Or how many times she and my BIL have been there for me during the MLC months. It was the very least I could do.

And, maybe it is really what I needed. I needed a little recharge. Sure babysitting doesn't seem like it would be, but in truth I just needed a change of scenery. And the simplicity of having cake with the kids and talking about their lives was a nice change. We genuinely had a nice time together.

My sister called today and said both kids were so happy I came and my niece said she felt safer knowing I was there with them at night. And, my nephew informed her that I gave him the information on what airbrush materials to buy, as he is wanting to learn how to airbrush.

I think what struck me as I was at my sister's was how I missed the comfort of my own home. I have been so frustrated at times with all that needs done, that perhaps I haven't really realized that my kitchen brings me such a sense of peace in the morning. That simple act of getting up and making my coffee before I shower while the house is quiet is something I take for granted a bit.

My sister and BIL's house is a lovely home. And they love it. And, sure if I lived there, maybe I would feel different, but it was more of the where it is located. I don't feel like I couldn't belong there, this is not a case of somehow not being worthy of a wealthy suburban neighborhood. And, I can see the benefits to it, but when I got out of there and was on the country roads, I felt a sudden feeling of comfort. It is not for everyone. Putting up with the tractors coming up and down the road all day this time of year can be annoying, but by the same token, watching them harvest in the wee hours of the morning or at dusk is pretty stunning. If they are out in the middle of the night, there is something pretty cool about seeing the lights in the field.

IDK, maybe it is just what I am used to. I just know it brings me some sense of balance. And, I think a great deal of that has to do with it was the one consistent thing in MLC. Those things still occurred no matter what was going on in my crazy life. I learned to appreciate those things more and maybe in part this sense of "routine" is what keeps me grounded. Sort of the "day is really out of control" feeling and yet, I can almost predict which field will be the next one they cut down.

D informed me this morning she has been asked to join the college honor society. She then got a smirk on her face. I asked "what"?. She said she didn't know I was part of that organization and the secretary at one point. She also learned I was art club president at the same time. I asked where she was getting her intel. My F. Ah. And she said my F proudly announced to her that I had been the first recipient of a national scholarship for that honor society to the university I went to. I had to think. Yah, I guess I was. She asked why I had never shared that. I am not sure. It was a big deal and helped me immensely, but I didn't like bragging.

Then D asked me about another thing. She saw a note on my desk from a former colleague. I smiled and said that I was not sharing it with the general public just yet, because I don't know what will happen. I have been asked to apply for a position at one of the larger private universities to join their art department. It would still allow me to stay at the community college and high school, as it is part time, but it is a scary jump. I am not confident I will get it, but the fact that I was asked and have a couple of people who want me there feels good.

But, what was better was the hug I got from D, who told me that she is so proud to be my daughter. I laughed and said to her that I had no more money to give her and just wait until I somehow embarrass her on another day. She laughed and said that yes, we have a perfect M/D relationship - just like a  "Gilmore Girls" episode.  ::)

 

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