Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer What do you think it means to Pave the Way - 2  (Read 494 times)

Offline Ready2Transform

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Interacting with Your MLCer Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way - 2
« Reply #30 on: August 13, 2019, 10:41:56 AM »
I did not see Paving as a strategy, even though I believe(d) it to be a Standing action. It was always going to be the MLCer's choice whether or not he took the path paved, but the path was nevertheless there. It was or would have been created with kindness, forgiveness, and a willingness to reconnect the marriage. That was much earlier on in the pre-D boomerang days for me.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

Offline Anjae

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way - 2
« Reply #31 on: August 13, 2019, 04:34:43 PM »
Paving The Way is not the end goal, reconciliation, it is part of it. Therefore, I would say it is a tactic.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Evermore

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way - 2
« Reply #32 on: August 15, 2019, 04:27:41 PM »
“The most important thing to feel during this mess was the ability to have control over your life, and choice. BD feels like an out of control natural disaster. Your entire world is upended. Knowing that you can take back control (or as much as anyone can) and that you have options was a life line. If you want to stand for your one true love...good for you do it. If you are tired of his $h!te?...well walk away and make yourself the best you possible. Just because they choose a path you didn't doesn't mean they are different. We all start off the same, and then we get the power of choice back.

I don't think we have to filter, and alter, and dumb down the website to ''only be standers'' or ''covenant keepers'' or ''Happily Divorced''. If there are no longer looks like it is no longer a choice. IF only standers are allowed, a LBS may feel they do not fit in because they can not stand forever...or there was violence or whatever.

Variety is important because it gives us various perspectives, and a view into what our different choices can be.”

Replying on phone so I apologise for brevity (and any possible abruptness). Agree with the above. As a newbie I was (am!) traumatised but not stupid. I don’t want to be told what I ‘must’ do. I want suggestions on options, stories of what has happened with others, how they coped and what ‘worked’ to help them through (wherever they ended up), and knowledge about ‘what he might do (as a MLCer)’. I want choices and the option to take whatever choice I want without feeling judged for having made that choice at that time. And indeed, I want the option to change my choice as my journey evolves, without fearing ‘I told you so’s. I think, for the most part, this is what I have received here, and I’m very grateful. Giving ‘you must do this!’ advice to a newbie I personally don’t think is actually very helpful as it adds to their stress if they choose not to (or can’t at that time) take onboard that advice.
M: 49
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.

Offline toomanytearss

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Re: What do you think it means to Pave the Way - 2
« Reply #33 on: August 15, 2019, 08:56:57 PM »
I wholeheartedly am in line with how Evermore sees this. That doesn’t make me “right” or “wrong”.  It is only how I feel. I will never forget what I felt when I came here for help and understanding. I will never forget the people that helped to lift me up. Each one different. Some I have seen called enablers here. Some called too harsh. Some just right. I see it differently.

Those “enablers” held my hand when I desperately needed it. They shared my pain and gave me a safe place to land. Those that were too “harsh” pushed me to find my strength. Take a good look at my own actions. And those who found “balance” helped me find my center. To find trust in myself.

At different times through this some I needed more than others. Sometimes I felt hurt by something I perceived as harsh when I was not in the best place. Sometimes I got mad when I felt I needed direction and a kick in the ass and got empathy instead.

I still go through that. Lol!!

This is a process and it’s not a straight line. Are there times I think something is said that shouldn’t be. Absolutely. But that is because we each are individuals and see things and handle things differently. We are not gonna agree on everything. That is life. I’ve learned a lot by working to understand this and to let things go that don’t feel right to me and make my own decisions.

I do believe also that we have a responsibility to think of where the other person is before we answer. In the tone we use. I haven’t posted on someone’s thread in a very long time because I don’t know how to help. I post on my thread to share my story and hope that it helps someone find their way.

I read others posts to help myself as well. When people post on my thread even though I’m an old timer at this point I still go through the same emotions as I did at the beginning. Just not so severe. I sometimes am so thankful for the insight, sometimes angry at what I perceive to be and feels like I’m being TOLD what to do and that I’m kinda getting what I asked for because I’m not doing IT a certain way. I have learned to rethink and understand these are just pointed questions to get me to think. But ultimately I will decide what I’m going to do and those decisions are my responsibility.

I will put standing and paving the way, in my opinion, in the same bag. At first. I stood for my commitment to my marriage. I paved the way to try to do no more damage. I never ascribed to being the lighthouse though. Lol. That wasn’t something that I felt comfortable with. But as time went on and I found myself in different places in this drama, standing and paving the way also changed for me. What they meant to me. I now stand for my values. I pave the way for myself. A good and kind path. Not judge mental. Well lots of stuff on that path. And it’s open to anyone that wants to share and contribute positively.

There is much newbies can learn about themselves through us old timers stories. And much we can learn from the newbies. It just seems so simple to me. Respect each other as individuals with different perspectives and make your own decisions from what you’ve learned. And then rock that $h!te.

BD Feb 2014


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