Author Topic: Discussion Questions concerning members who are reconnecting. Do you share your experience on HS or not?  (Read 3695 times)

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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This thread was split off another thread since it was not pertaining to that member's story.


I sure as heck wouldn't be on this site if my spouse and I got back together.

Why, thank you Xy!!

Because I said the exact same thing pretty recently, which was met with disdain.  Like if I didn't return, that I was doing something wrong.

I wish everyone here well.  But, I think there comes a time to finally move on from this site, and from this whole nightmare in general.

I beg to differ. If you have nothing more than a very distant connection with your EX-spouse, why would you be on this site anymore? It seems the two of you are implying that this site is a substitute for a functioning marriage or life until if or when your spouses come back.

I am reconnecting with my spouse, but that means I still have a daily connection with an MLCer. Hence, I am on this site.

When MLC is no longer an active part of my life (as opposed to just thinking and talking about it), then I would move on.

And I should also add some people come here after they reconnect or reconcile to pay it forward.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 03:05:21 PM by xyzcf »

Online Treasur

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I suspect this is right...that there is a point when MLC is in your rear view mirror...either bc your marriage is restored to something healthy or bc you have healed from the damaging impact of someone else's crisis on your own life or family. But I don't think that always means you have an active connection with your MLCer, NYM, even if that is the case for you personally. And I guess we should be grateful that some folks do come here to pay it forward regardless of their own situation as there are different outcomes for different LBS.

Out of interest, NYM, any significance to your name change?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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NYM
Quote
I beg to differ. If you have nothing more than a very distant connection with your EX-spouse, why would you be on this site anymore? It seems the two of you are implying that this site is a substitute for a functioning marriage or life until if or when your spouses come back.

Do you know me or anything at all about my relationship with my husband?

No you don't because I don't share any information about our relationship here.

Heros Spouse welcomes all people to this site and there should not be any "judgement" made such as the one above about members who post their thoughts here.

I personally know several previous HS members whose marriages are alive and well who do not post here.

The site functions well for people to receive support and encouragement whatever their decision is concerning the relationship they have with their spouse....paying it forward happens each and every time a HS member gives support, kindness and encouragement to other members, without judging or belittling them.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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Mego and you both suggested someone who was reconnecting would undoubtedly leave the forum. That is the presumption you made.

I'm reconnecting, so according to you, I should have left the forum. Or perhaps that means I am not reconnecting.

I was simply turning around what you said and showing you that it is possible to glibly generalize in the opposite way as well.

In fact, my point was to show you can't generalize. I guess the subtlety of my point was lost in the written word.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 01:31:48 PM by Not Your Monkey »

Offline xyzcf

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NO NYM, what I said and what I have said many times before is that if my husband and I were back together, I would not be posting on this site. That's my prerogative and as I mentioned I know several previous HS members who are back with their spouses and they do not write about it here....and I agree with them.

Here is my exact quote:

"Heros Spouse is not necessarily a place where people who are reconnecting hang out. I sure as heck wouldn't be on this site if my spouse and I got back together."
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 01:35:15 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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To each their own.

If I was divorced I sure as heck wouldn't be on this site. I'd be moving on with my life and looking for a new husband. What could this site offer me after it was over? That's my opinion. It's different from yours. Neither one of us is right or wrong, just different.

But as it is, my husband never left. We are reconnecting, he is a lot better than he was in his worst days, but it's not over.

I sure wish that more people who were reconnecting and reconciling were posting here. There's a lot of information and experiences from newbies that have been shared, but not so many from the later stages. It has been said this part of the process is harder than what came before, so one would hope that someone such as yourself would be willing to offer their experience if and when they reached that point. Perhaps it is precisely because the forum is heavily biased toward newbies and offers less information and shared experience for those in the later stages that people leave. Or maybe some people are just triggered by being here. I don't know.

Offline xyzcf

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Each reconnection story is different. What troubles me, is how people hang on to every word said by someone who has had a MLC or whose marriage has been restored...each marriage is different and each restoration is different as what I believe is that since this is not about a marriage or about the LBSer IT DOESN'T MATTER unless that person wishes to share their journey...then wanting to know "how you are reconciling" although interesting doesn't allow the LBSer to focus on themselves and what they need to do to build their own lives.

A really good friend of mine who remarried her husband 2 years ago is busy with her life and her family...she doesn't dwell in the past and so returning to HS would not be in her best interest. Oh yes, she was divorced as well.

As you said, each person is different.

I am sure you have read my belief system..that marriage is permanent, a sacrament and that in God's eyes, I am still married to my husband, regardless of his divorce and thus you will not see me looking for a new husband. Nor actually do I need one. I am quite good on my own.

You right, we are very different.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 02:16:39 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Nas

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This seems like a whole topic of discussion that maybe one of the moderators might like to split off -

Because even though it's uncomfortably contentious due to the words being chosen at the moment...
It is an interesting and important topic that others might like to discuss.

But this is SS's thread so I won't comment on it here.
SS, imo, everyone is correct if this is MLC, you have some very good reasons to be both positive and cautious.  And you're doing great with taking everyone's advice with a grain of salt, choosing what suits your needs and discarding the rest.  It's all we can do, really.

Everyone is pulling for you, even if we share our differing situations and offer words of caution. 

Offline megogirl

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Mego and you both suggested someone who was reconnecting would undoubtedly leave the forum. That is the presumption you made.

I'm reconnecting, so according to you, I should have left the forum. Or perhaps that means I am not reconnecting.


NO.  I certainly didn't mean to suggest that.

All that I meant was if XH & I happened to reconcile, I wouldn't necessarily feel a NEED to return.  I was not saying that anyone who is reconnecting should leave as a result.

It would just feel like a waste of time for ME to be here, because it would no longer be of any help.

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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No problem if the mods want to split it off. I agree on that.

And I agree with you XYZCF about taking an MLCers words as some sort of guidebook or gospel. Lest we forget, these MLCers were selfish and wanted to be left alone and abscond from their marital responsibilities. I have come to believe that their insight into the mind of an MLCer is valuable, but their advice, which is usually just let them go and don't bother them and don't expect anything from them, still reflects the selfish thinking of someone deep in MLC or someone who wants to make excuses for their MLC behavior. I fail to see how rolling over and playing dead and allowing the MLCer to do whatever they want, and in doing so help them in piling up a greater pile of irresponsibility to feel guilty about, is going to help restore the marriage. Not to mention, it just gives the LBS more to be resentful about, which can't help the reconciliation chances.  Although he has done a lot of bad stuff, I have noticed that giving my H a chance to be responsible even when he didn't want to be was good for his self-esteem. I simply think taking advice from a former or current MLCer is like inviting the fox into the henhouse and allowing them to advise you on how to secure the henhouse from predators.

However, I do find reading about others experience is helpful. I'm not talking about getting advice from them or even expecting things to be the same, but for me it is useful in understanding the process. We can read the general statements by people like HB and others but they are very general and I do find myself questioning the accuracy of what they write about the later stages. Having real stories helps to see it less as a monolithic process but rather one with different possibilities.

I respect your beliefs about marriage. It is admirable that you are unwavering in your stance even though I do not share it. I am not pro-divorce, but I do believe it is the end of the relationship, both marital and otherwise. I don't see it as just a piece of paper as some like to say, it is as real and consequential as marriage.

 

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