Author Topic: Discussion Questions concerning members who are reconnecting. Do you share your experience on HS or not?  (Read 2600 times)

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starter

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For some reason I didn't see Mego's latest post until now and I want to respond.

The thing is conventional wisdom (not saying it is true or not) is that the end of replay and the beginning of reconnection is just the halfway point of MLC and that the second half is harder than the first (not sure if that is for the LBS, MLCer or both). It may be that some see less of a need for the forum in the second half but for me actually the reconnection part is interesting for several reasons, 1-before there are certain things that have been stated about it that have troubled me from the beginning if they are actually factual and I really have always been curious as to whether they are true or not, 2-because I am interested in the aspect of childhood issues and how those play into the whole thing and the fact is a lot of people who are reconnecting talk about how their spouses started talking about their childhood issues later in the process. I am interested in childhood issues as a cause and if MLCers really are not consciously aware of that until later in the process then hearing about those stages could help us to understand how this whole process gets started in the first place. So for me, it is more about learning than support but the more information, the more that can be said about it.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline megogirl

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and the fact is a lot of people who are reconnecting talk about how their spouses started talking about their childhood issues later in the process. I am interested in childhood issues as a cause and if MLCers really are not consciously aware of that until later in the process

I can only speak from personal experience.

Ex-Mr. Mego always alluded to the fact that his dad "never hugged him."  Admittedly I downplayed it, because I thought he was being petty and overall, my response was "I think you've gotta get over that!"

Little did I know that to withhold affection was/is actually considered CHILD NEGLECT.  Hello....news to me!

Anyway when I first discovered RCR's writings, she'd mentioned that MLC could be as simple as a "forgotten hug."  After I read that - well after Bomb Drop - I read it out loud to him.  He stopped dead in his tracks and did a double-take, clearly struck by her words, then proceeded to walk our ex-dog.

So, childhood crap is definitely REAL!
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 04:31:18 PM by megogirl »

Offline Sunandshade

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My husband has been home for a year and we are very slowly reconnecting, I read here daily but post infrequently. My reason for reading are to continue my growth, learn from others where possible and when I post to share my experience. It’s still very difficult and I am still filled with doubts. Maybe it would be healthier for me not to visit and I certainly don’t want to upset anyone with my observations about having my husband home. I hope I am still welcome.

Offline Nas

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Gosh, I mean, where to even start with this?  I guess I'll just go in order.

I suspect this is right...that there is a point when MLC is in your rear view mirror...either bc your marriage is restored to something healthy or bc you have healed from the damaging impact of someone else's crisis on your own life or family. But I don't think that always means you have an active connection with your MLCer, NYM, even if that is the case for you personally. And I guess we should be grateful that some folks do come here to pay it forward regardless of their own situation as there are different outcomes for different LBS.


NO NYM, what I said and what I have said many times before is that if my husband and I were back together, I would not be posting on this site. That's my prerogative and as I mentioned I know several previous HS members who are back with their spouses and they do not write about it here....and I agree with them.

Here is my exact quote:

"Heros Spouse is not necessarily a place where people who are reconnecting hang out. I sure as heck wouldn't be on this site if my spouse and I got back together."

Stayed, if you're listening, your continued participation on this forum is appreciated more than you can EVER know.

I am surprised to hear from time to time: "I know x number of people who don't post anymore but their marriages are restored" and that these people don't post because they're too busy enjoying their restored marriages or want to distance themselves from those awful dark times of replay or whatever reason.
They're certain perfectly within their right to stop posting.

But why don't they at least let people know they're reconciling?  Especially if someone is a long time member of a forum and interacts with the same members for years.  We're constantly hearing about hope.  Hope, hope, hope: don't take away anyone's hope, don't tell newbies to be cautious instead of giving them hope, anything is possible, everyone should have hope, GAL and live like they're not coming back but keep hope in your heart.

Now we're being told that people who have been here for 3, 5, 10 years, seen us through our trials and victories, given us advice and sought advice for years and years and years...would disappear if they reconcile and not even tell the forum that they're reconciling to give people hope?
Because these x number of people who are reconciled but don't post also it seems don't want any of their current forum member friends to simply make a brief statement like, "I heard from so and so who used to post and is now rebuilding their marriage and no longer posting; that's all I know, I can't speak for them and they would like their privacy respected, but just passing it along so you can have some hope."

Let's look at that realistically.  Years and years of talking about this with the same people, and then if the MLC spouse wants back in, people won't stick around this forum?  Like this forum and all the people on it who have helped you and who you've helped (the royal YOU, meaning all of US) will no longer matter?
Here's where I'll make a badly timed joke (but it makes me laugh): I kinda feel like the side piece.  hahaha.

Anyway, I for one am damn happy RCR, Stayed, BBHelp, Barbiedoll, Acorn and others didn't feel that way.  Especially in my darkest newbie days, when I needed HOPE and wanted to see that marriages do in fact reconcile.

I don't think I'm saying anything too off the wall here.  I've been a member here since 2015.  Many people know my name, if not my story, simply due to the time I've been around. 
I'm not standing, but if say some old witch from Disney movie shows up and casts a spell that makes the earth spin backwards and all the stars to fall out of the sky and line up across the ocean to spell out my name and all the puppies and kitties on earth to join together for a flash mob dance on a beautiful island with streets paved with gold where I somehow find myself reconciling with my H...
You can be sure, I will let y'all know about it.  Because people here helped me through my darkest days and listened to my newbie screaming into the void and my 2-year growth into a spitting mad she devil and now my 4-year growth into...well, whatever the hell I am now. 
People here walked through hell with me and I'm not standing but respect those who are and if I were reconciling, I would at least yell over my shoulder, "Hey, I'm reconciling!  It happens, don't lose hope, see ya!" on my way out the door.

Sorry, I'm in rare form tonight.


To each their own.

If I was divorced I sure as heck wouldn't be on this site. I'd be moving on with my life and looking for a new husband. What could this site offer me after it was over? That's my opinion. It's different from yours. Neither one of us is right or wrong, just different.



Once again, I'm DAMN happy Ready2Transform, Nah, Treasur, LP, Airmid, and many, many, many others who are fully divorced don't feel this way. 
Nah is literally THE poster child for moving on with her life, finding a new husband and remarrying, and we're all forever indebted to her for her continued time here. 
R2T was my mentor and I wouldn't have survived the early days without her. 

Divorce doesn't erase the MLC.  I'm happy for you, NYM, if you think once divorced you could simply move on with your life and never again have to deal with the issues that MLC causes, but for me, divorced, reconciled, or in between, MLC changes us and leaves us with things to talk about that no one else understands but the people who've been through it.



A really good friend of mine who remarried her husband 2 years ago is busy with her life and her family...she doesn't dwell in the past and so returning to HS would not be in her best interest. Oh yes, she was divorced as well.


You right, we are very different.

I don't see Nah dwelling on the past anymore than I see Stayed doing so.  Nah is divorced and remarried, Stayed is reconciled.  A huge majority of members of HS thank God they're still here.
If your friend doesn't want to come back, that's her right.  Again, it's puzzling how anyone who is reconciled would not allow the forum where they spent time seeking help during the dark days to hear at least hear that they are indeed reconciling.  Again, their privacy can and should be respected, but a simple, "Remember BadAssLBS666 who posted here almost daily for X straight years?  Guess what, she's remarried her H.  Isn't that wonderful? She doesn't choose at this time to return to the forum to post, but I'm sure many of you would be happy for her to hear that she's reconciled and know there's HOPE for you too."

No problem if the mods want to split it off. I agree on that.

And I agree with you XYZCF about taking an MLCers words as some sort of guidebook or gospel. Lest we forget, these MLCers were selfish and wanted to be left alone and abscond from their marital responsibilities. I have come to believe that their insight into the mind of an MLCer is valuable, but their advice, which is usually just let them go and don't bother them and don't expect anything from them, still reflects the selfish thinking of someone deep in MLC or someone who wants to make excuses for their MLC behavior. I fail to see how rolling over and playing dead and allowing the MLCer to do whatever they want, and in doing so help them in piling up a greater pile of irresponsibility to feel guilty about, is going to help restore the marriage. Not to mention, it just gives the LBS more to be resentful about, which can't help the reconciliation chances.  Although he has done a lot of bad stuff, I have noticed that giving my H a chance to be responsible even when he didn't want to be was good for his self-esteem. I simply think taking advice from a former or current MLCer is like inviting the fox into the henhouse and allowing them to advise you on how to secure the henhouse from predators.

However, I do find reading about others experience is helpful. I'm not talking about getting advice from them or even expecting things to be the same, but for me it is useful in understanding the process. We can read the general statements by people like HB and others but they are very general and I do find myself questioning the accuracy of what they write about the later stages. Having real stories helps to see it less as a monolithic process but rather one with different possibilities.



Oh gosh, I think so many of us agree with not taking a former MLCer's words as gospel.  Every one is so different.  But I also agree it's helpful for some to read. 
Stayed's husband's letter is the stuff of legend for a reason.  And it's wonderful how he is so explicit in saying "This is MY story, I don't know you or your spouse, they may be different, but here's how I felt..."
Reading his words has given comfort to so many newbies, but his caution that it's only his story is also so very, very important. 

Anyway, I find this topic very interesting, but also one I've long found perplexing.
No one "owes" it to HS to share any part of their story, and I agree with much that's been said about why people who are reconnecting or fully reconciled would choose not to post here anymore. 
I get it. 
Reconnecting is hard.  Barbiedoll has shared so much of her difficult journey with us and I hope we've helped her some, as she's helped us a lot.
And being fully reconciled, well, I too would not want to think much about those terrible replay days.
But again, the part I don't get is being part of a forum for a massive chunk of your life, years and years, and then reconciling your marriage and disappearing and not telling the people who've been a source of support for you.

*I am bracing myself for the response to this, so let me just say right here, this is how I feel and I'm entitled to feel this way and ask these questions.  I'm not judging anyone's choice. 

I'm bracing to hear myself called judgmental.  And honestly, perhaps I am "judging" a bit here, but to me, I'm just stating my opinion, which I'm allowed to have.  If you turn to a group of people to help you through the dark, horrible days of replay and spend time getting advice and giving advice and having people support you while you HOPE for a restored marriage, why would you not tell those people that you got what you hoped for?

It's an honest question. 

If their choice is not to post, they're allowed to choose that and have that choice be respected.  I fully understand why some people would choose not to post and why others would choose to post.  All different kinds of people, all different kinds of reasons for everything.
My question is only why they don't just let their status be known. 

That's all. 
 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Helpingme!

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S A S why wouldnt you be welcome?? Of course you are. 
Well I'm one that would love for people reconnecting to post more. Well post anything. It seems as if there aren't any reconnecting.
Yes, this time is hard.  It's still MLC but we see alot more. We hear more. Yes, we can actually start to see the pain that they went  thru, not just in MLC but years leading up to it.

I'd really like to know just how many are reconnecting on this site. I'm very curious now.
Ones I've read I can count on one hand. Now, I've seen a couple more just off this thread.

I'd love to know.  If you don't feel like posting, PM me.

For me, I think it's good to pay it forward. I may take breaks from this site, but I always read. I don't post much; but is be happy to answer question anyone has.

To the ones that are reconnecting. I wish you the best.


Offline Nas

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My husband has been home for a year and we are very slowly reconnecting, I read here daily but post infrequently. My reason for reading are to continue my growth, learn from others where possible and when I post to share my experience. It’s still very difficult and I am still filled with doubts. Maybe it would be healthier for me not to visit and I certainly don’t want to upset anyone with my observations about having my husband home. I hope I am still welcome.

You are MORE than welcome and we are here to help support you as well as you go through the process of reconnecting.
Please, please, please do not think it's unhealthy or that you're unwelcome.

And if anyone becomes upset by your observations, that's theirs to work through.  You're not responsible for anyone else's feelings.
But you are VERY welcome to share your story and tell your truth and ask questions if you need to.
There are others here reconnecting who could probably be of great help to you.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Helpingme!

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No judgeing here Bad. I agree with all that you said.
Lord we all would have more hope if we new just how many to end up back together.

Offline Anjae

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I am surprised to hear from time to time: "I know x number of people who don't post anymore but their marriages are restored" and that these people don't post because they're too busy enjoying their restored marriages or want to distance themselves from those awful dark times of replay or whatever reason.

I'm not. I know some HS members that are reconnecting or reconciling that don't post or barely post. We also have past cases. MammaBear, for example. She reconciled, but when she truly start to reconnect, she stop posting. HS is often a life saver for the LBS early on and that is it. Most people, reconciled or not, stop coming around.

But why don't they at least let people know they're reconciling?  Especially if someone is a long time member of a forum and interacts with the same members for years.  We're constantly hearing about hope.

Because HS no longer matters to them. Because they don't want to come back. Because their marriage and spouse and family and themselves become far more important. Because they come back and pretty much no one cares. Have you noticed how little people care for those reconnecting or reconciled? Go around the threads of those reconnecting and reconciled and see for yourself. There are exceptions, but, as a general rule, we have little to say to those reconnected or reconciled other than, thank you for your update or something of the sort.

If anything, I am surprised by those, like Acorn, that are reconnecting and still find the time to post and reply to questions.

We have remarried, divorced, long separated members. Like Nas said, MLC does not goe away because one has a new person in our life. No one is forced to remain on HS. Some come and go, some go, some stay for a long time. It is up to each of us.


You're very welcomed, Sunandshade.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 06:15:36 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline xyzcf

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My good friend did come back and let people know that she and her husband were back together. A few others I can think of did also. I am sorry that you misunderstood what I was saying.

The Old Timer's thread is also used by people who update their situations whether they are reconnected or not.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starter

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Nas, while I agree with a lot of what you say, coming back to specifically for the purpose of giving others "hope" I think is NOT a good thing for newbies and I disagree with your focus on that purpose.

Hope is nothing more than someone wanting their spouse back. It's a dream, a fantasy. It tells you absolutely nothing, zilch, nada, about whether you have a snowball's chance in hell of getting your spouse back. Some people here take the hope they are given, hang on to it like a security blanket, and abuse it. They take it as some infallible prediction of their future. That if so-and-so got their spouse back, then they will too, because they have this silly fluffy thing surrounded by unicorns and rainbows called "hope."

I think the benefit of reading other's stories and getting an accurate idea about returns and failures to return, is that it gives you some sort of benchmark by which to assess your own situation to see if it is reasonable to think that your relationship might be salvageable, based on both your spouse's actions during their MLC, and your own attitude.

Having 10 more people come and post their reconciliation stories, if it gives 10 newbies a false hope that keeps them pining away for their spouses for 5 years only to be hit with a divorce and regret it in the end is not a good thing.

I believe there are factors that make it MORE likely or LESS likely that there will be a reconciliation. The problem is someone is going to be hurt and upset when you suggest what those factors are if they don't apply to their case and they hope to reconcile. I would rather see an honest discussion of what helps and what hurts a return without people taking it as a personal attack on them. Because I believe doing a realistic self-assessment of one's situation will serve someone a lot better in the long run than hope.

Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

 

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