Author Topic: Discussion Questions concerning members who are reconnecting. Do you share your experience on HS or not?  (Read 3675 times)

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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My husband has been home for a year and we are very slowly reconnecting, I read here daily but post infrequently. My reason for reading are to continue my growth, learn from others where possible and when I post to share my experience. It’s still very difficult and I am still filled with doubts. Maybe it would be healthier for me not to visit and I certainly don’t want to upset anyone with my observations about having my husband home. I hope I am still welcome.

I would welcome your observations. I do think the most useful thing is the stories of others who are at the same stage as you. Yeah, oldtimers may be wise but let's face it, newbies simply aren't ready to hear or apply what the oldtimers tell them to do. i speak from the experience of having been a newbie myself.

I haven't talked much about my reconnecting lately either simply because we are reconnecting from a distance for the past 4 months as I am away from home in another part of the world many time zones away for reasons that have nothing to do with our relationship. So our contact is not as much as it would be otherwise. However, he's been doing really well and we have had a total of one angry discussion (in spite of the fact that before BD when we were apart it would always lead to more and more silly arguments the longer we were apart). He is a lot more responsive, responsible and relaxed. Of course, the proof is when I get back home shortly so I am hesitant to read too much into it all, but I am satisfied with the pace of progress so far.

Offline Nas

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I am surprised to hear from time to time: "I know x number of people who don't post anymore but their marriages are restored" and that these people don't post because they're too busy enjoying their restored marriages or want to distance themselves from those awful dark times of replay or whatever reason.

I'm not. I know some HS members that are reconnecting or reconciling that don't post or barely post. We also have past cases. MammaBear, for example. She reconciled, but when she truly start to reconnect, she stop posting. HS is often a life saver for the LBS early on and that is it. Most people, reconciled or not, stop coming around.

MammaBear allowed her status to be known.  That's my point.  She doesn't have to post, but she at least let people know she was reconciling.

But why don't they at least let people know they're reconciling?  Especially if someone is a long time member of a forum and interacts with the same members for years.  We're constantly hearing about hope.

Because HS no longer matters to them. Because they don't want to come back. Because their marriage and spouse and family and themselves become far more important. Because they come back and pretty much no one cares. Have you noticed how little people care for those reconnecting or reconciled? Go around the threads of those reconnecting and reconciled and see for yourself. There are exceptions, but, as a general rule, we have little to say to those reconnected or reconciled other than, thank you for your update or something of the sort.

If anything, I am surprised by those, like Acorn, that are reconnecting and still find the time to post and reply to questions.

We have remarried, divorced, long separated members. Like Nas said, MLC does not goe away because one has a new person in our life. No one is forced to remain on HS. Some come and go, some go, some stay for a long time. It is up to each of us.


You're very welcomed, Sunandshade.

Anjae, your statement that I put in bold: that's it.  HS no longer matters to them.  Fine, that's great.  But that wasn't my point.  My question was, especially for the people who are always talking about hope, why don't they give hope to the people they spent so long in the trenches with? 
Again, that's my ONLY question.  If you spend years on end on a forum where you stress having HOPE, to then go off into the sunset and leave everyone else to just continue on wondering if reconciliations happen, when you could give them some HOPE by simply telling them that you're reconciling...sorry, I'll never understand it.  And to hear tell, there's numerous former forum members who apparently just rode off into reconciliation, fade to black without so much as a "Hey y'all, dreams DO come true, God bless and goodbye"
- That's my point and what I've always struggled to understand since day one when I joined this forum, because that's how long I've been hearing the same thing: "Lots of people are reconciling but just don't post about it."  HS doesn't have to matter to them anymore and they are under no obligation to keep posting, but the people who walked through hell with them should matter at least enough to hear their outcome.

I disagree with you that no one cares much about the reconnecting and reconciled.  They don't post much, and we respect their need to not be inundated with questions and posts.  But as a newbie, I actively sought out those exact threads, and I'm sure most newbies do. 
The extremely active threads tend to not be reconciler's threads because they don't ask as many questions or have discussions that lead to debates, etcetera.  But you can see how many people read their threads, and it's quite a lot.  Ask anyone if they want Acorn to lock her thread and stop posting, i guarantee you you'll get a huge resounding NO. 

Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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I think the reason some people don't come back is because their spouse's MLC was such an awful period in their life that they want to put it behind them and bury it and forget it. Perhaps coming back triggers them.

I had a good friend on here who was going through a lot of hell with her spouse at the same time I was and we were in contact practically every day. I remember her making a remark once about how some other LBS just stopped corresponding with her when she reconciled/reconnected. And she suggested that maybe she just couldn't handle having to hear about MLC anymore, that it was too much for her, and then she went on and said she would never do that herself.

Well, no offense to my friend if she does come back and read this, but that is precisely what she has done with me too.  ;D As soon as reconciliation really took hold with her H, she stopped corresponding except for a very few brief chats. I am not angry about it, she was a big help that I will forever be grateful to and I have other good friends on here who weren't so far along in the process who I could turn to instead. But it goes to show you that for some at least, it may be that they feel compelled to just avoid anything MLC when they finally can get away from it.

Offline Thunder

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Nas, I can't tell you how very much I agree with everything single thing you said.

I think this site is special to most of us, it gives every one of us some kind of a connection, whether we admit it or not, we get no where else, it makes us feel not so alone.  There is comfort in knowing people here understand us.  Unless you have gone through this, how on earth could you expect people in the RW to understand.  They just can't.

So to me this is a place to be understood and heard, and get advice from....and feel connected. Find like friends.

My biggest problem is people who say we are spending too much time here and should not spend hours, days and months here, you are being stuck, yet if you look at their profile they are here every day. Maybe not posting, but they are here.
They have not left the site.  So why are they still here???
It's hypocritical to me.

Own that you are also here.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Nas, while I agree with a lot of what you say, coming back to specifically for the purpose of giving others "hope" I think is NOT a good thing for newbies and I disagree with your focus on that purpose.

Hope is nothing more than someone wanting their spouse back. It's a dream, a fantasy. It tells you absolutely nothing, zilch, nada, about whether you have a snowball's chance in hell of getting your spouse back. Some people here take the hope they are given, hang on to it like a security blanket, and abuse it. They take it as some infallible prediction of their future. That if so-and-so got their spouse back, then they will too, because they have this silly fluffy thing surrounded by unicorns and rainbows called "hope."

I think the benefit of reading other's stories and getting an accurate idea about returns and failures to return, is that it gives you some sort of benchmark by which to assess your own situation to see if it is reasonable to think that your relationship might be salvageable, based on both your spouse's actions during their MLC, and your own attitude.

Having 10 more people come and post their reconciliation stories, if it gives 10 newbies a false hope that keeps them pining away for their spouses for 5 years only to be hit with a divorce and regret it in the end is not a good thing.

I believe there are factors that make it MORE likely or LESS likely that there will be a reconciliation. The problem is someone is going to be hurt and upset when you suggest what those factors are if they don't apply to their case and they hope to reconcile. I would rather see an honest discussion of what helps and what hurts a return without people taking it as a personal attack on them. Because I believe doing a realistic self-assessment of one's situation will serve someone a lot better in the long run than hope.

You misunderstood me, NYM.  I'm saying a lot of this based on the thread this was split off from, Standing Strong's thread where people were admonished for cautioning him rather than giving him hope in his situation.
So my point was, if hope is so important, and there are these people who are reconciling, why not share that to give someone like SS, who is standing, hope?

I don't need hope.  I'm not standing.  But people give advice based on what they SEE here and most of what we see is marriages not reconciling.  So that's why people were cautioning SS.  So if people are reconciling and we SAW more of that we might give different advice (and when I say if we saw more of reconciliation, I don't necessarily mean in the form of those people posting, but at least hearing, like I said, "Hey, LBSabc is reconciling, that's great, wish him/her the best and hope they post sometime in the future."

My point was, and I suppose this is directly to xyzcf, you were initially upset with the posts to SS because you felt they were skewed towards the negative instead of giving him hope.  But you yourself seem to know of a numerous reconciliation stories (so maybe that gives you hope) but those people are known to you and not to any of the people who read your statement, "I know several former LBS who are now reconciled."

My question was, why are they not known to the point you can name them?  A few people have had some level of an offline relationship with MammaBear and no one would expect them to reveal information about her life without her permission, but her status was made known by her.  So she's someone who can be referenced.

But you seem to be saying there's multiple people who are reconciling but they're never referenced by name. And I've been hearing statements like that since I joined the forum in 2015. Hence my misunderstanding in thinking  they never came back to say they were reconciling.  People say all the time, "MammaBear stopped posting after her H came home," but why isn't anyone else nameable?  When someone like HelpingMe says he's looking for examples of people who reconciled so he can have some hope, he can't find anyone you know about because he has no names.

That was my question.

I don't have any opinion on another person's hope.  Have it, don't have it.  Generally speaking, my feeling on everyone's situation is: Do what's best for yourself, whether that's standing or not, and take care of yourself and be well. 

As for your point, NYM, that reconciliation stories give newbies false hope - that's not for us to mitigate.  Each and every person is responsible for themselves and there's already enough stories out there (Stayed and her H's letter, Moment's friend, Rejoice Ministries, RCR, HB, Newman, etc) that anyone who is going to cling to false hope is going to do it anyway.

It's not our job to keep information from people so that they don't cling to a fantasy and not move forward. 
I read a ton of reconciliation stories as a newbie and also read a ton of stories that didn't end up with reconciliation, and as I moved forward and healed, I decided what was best for me. 




Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Anjae

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I would rather see an honest discussion of what helps and what hurts a return without people taking it as a personal attack on them.

Problem? What helps one may hurt another. There isn't one thing, or a set of things, that helps or hurts a return.

Your husband never left and you are not divorced. Many of us have MLCers that left and are divorced. What may work for someone with a stay at home MLCer that is not divorce may not work for someone with a MLCer that lives with OW/OM and who is divorced.

Thunder is divorced and reconciled. Divorced does not mean lack of reconciliation. Just like remaining married and reconnecting does not equal reconciliation.



 Also, a MLCer returning/wanting to return and reconnection/reconciliation are different things.
But that wasn't my point.  My question was, especially for the people who are always talking about hope, why don't they give hope to the people they spent so long in the trenches with? 

And who is to say the ones reconnecting/reconciling were the same ones that were talking about hope? Also, even if they were, why is that incompatible with HS no longer being of interest to them? They are not responsible for anyone's hope. Some of them did not spend that much time with people on the trenches. Some have MLCers that returned quick.

I think you are failing to see life moves on. Many people will probably forget what they used to write on HS.

And to hear tell, there's numerous former forum members who apparently just rode off into reconciliation, fade to black without so much as a "Hey y'all, dreams DO come true, God bless and goodbye"
- That's my point and what I've always struggled to understand since day one when I joined this forum, because that's how long I've been hearing the same thing: "Lots of people are reconciling but just don't post about it."  HS doesn't have to matter to them anymore and they are under no obligation to keep posting, but the people who walked through hell with them should matter at least enough to hear their outcome.

Unlike you, I always understood why people do not come back to tell they are reconnecting or reconciled. You and I, or anyone else,  or HS, don't matter that much in the grand scheme of reconnection/reconciliation. The marriage/spouse do.


Ask anyone if they want Acorn to lock her thread and stop posting, i guarantee you you'll get a huge resounding NO.

Acorn is one person. I know from LBS that are reconnecting that they feel people don't care that much because people do not post to them or barely do. People may read, but that is mostly it.

We are not all posting to BBHelp, are we? At most, we go by and say, thank you for the update, or so. Acorn has been taking questions, so there is more action in her thread.

Would I still be posting if I was reconnection? Probably not. I would not have time for HS. Same if I have a new relationship. The time I have for HS would be for the new relationship. Seems quite simple and normal to me.

My question was, why are they not known to the point you can name them?

They may be known to the point we can name them, but we are not going to be talking about people that do not want to be talked about.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 07:04:44 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Nas

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Nas, I can't tell you how very much I agree with everything single thing you said.

I think this site is special to most of us, it gives every one of us some kind of a connection, whether we admit it or not, we get no where else, it makes us feel not so alone.  There is comfort in knowing people here understand us.  Unless you have gone through this, how on earth could you expect people in the RW to understand.  They just can't.

So to me this is a place to be understood and heard, and get advice from....and feel connected. Find like friends.

My biggest problem is people who say we are spending too much time here and should not spend hours, days and months here, you are being stuck, yet if you look at their profile they are here every day. Maybe not posting, but they are here.
They have not left the site.  So why are they still here???
It's hypocritical to me.

Own that you are also here.

I agree with this too. 
Everyone is here for different reasons.  I guess that's part of why I suggested this topic be split from SS's thread.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Anjae

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When someone like HelpingMe says he's looking for examples of people who reconciled so he can have some hope, he can't find anyone you know about because he has no names.

He can't find anyone because he has no names? Really? There is a sticky thread with links to reconnection and reconcilation stories: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1872.0

The thread has 5 pages of reconnections and reconciliations. It has not been updated since July 19, 2017, but there are several names there. There is also a link to https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0 - Vanisher - Return Stories

Also, sorting by purple icon both here and in the archives will provide a list of people reconnecting and reconciled. Light purple for reconnection, dark purple for reconciliation.


My biggest problem is people who say we are spending too much time here and should not spend hours, days and months here, you are being stuck, yet if you look at their profile they are here every day. Maybe not posting, but they are here.
They have not left the site.  So why are they still here???
It's hypocritical to me.

Own that you are also here.

As far as I am concerned, people can spend as little or as much time here as they want. Everyone is a grown up. People may still log-in for reasons that don't have much to do with reading or posting. Like PMs or because RCR needs people to log-in for something Google connected if I am not mistaken.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 07:14:10 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Nas

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I think you are failing to see life moves on. Many people will probably forget what they used to write on HS.


You are focusing on something different than I am.  So we're having two different conversations here.
I don't care if people move on from HS.  I don't care if they stop posting.  I know life moves on.  It has for Nah.  It has for R2T.  It has for Stayed.  It has for everyone.  Life moving on doesn't have anything to do with posting or not posting. 

I'm pointing out that we give advice from a point of view that most people we've seen don't reconcile.  If we saw or heard of more reconciliation stories, our opinions and advice would be different. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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What is the benefit of hope though? People may want it, but how do they benefit from it? I see it like giving a diet coke to someone who is starving. Yeah it might fill their stomach and make them feel less hungry, but they are still starving.

I get that some people like hope, Obama got elected president on a campaign of "hope" and an endless supply of stories about Mark in Mississippi and Valerie in Virginia and so on who were suffering from some political injustice he said he was going to change. But does Mark or Valerie's story actually benefit you in any way? I would say it doesn't, but that's just how I view it.

Hope sells self-help products like relationship books and counseling services and I suspect that is how it has seeped into forums like this. It doesn't get you a spouse back.

 

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