Author Topic: Discussion Questions concerning members who are reconnecting. Do you share your experience on HS or not?  (Read 3696 times)

Offline barbiedoll

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Because people here helped me through my darkest days and listened to my newbie screaming into the void and my 2-year growth into a spitting mad she devil and now my 4-year growth into...well, whatever the hell I am now. 
People here walked through hell with me
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This is why I continue to post. Because this place absolutely saved my life. Without sounding all dramatic and feeble-minded , I swear, I felt like I wanted to die. I was not going to make it , the devastation was that deep. Countless times I rushed home from work and came here and someone ALWAYS helped me ...even if they just sent me a prayer or a hug. Many many times I was up at 2 am , 3 am ..or all night , and this place was as faithful as my husband was not. It was all I had, it was invaluable, it hit me with a 2x4 when it was precisely what was needed, it made me think deeper , helped me realize I was not alone. I have cried more over this keyboard than I ever thought possible and waited countless times for responses to my posts as a newbie for someone to HELP ME. And I was helped , I am forever grateful and I do try to pay it back. It is as simple and uncomplicated as that .  How dare we "take" and give nothing back?

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Would I still be posting if I was reconnection? Probably not. I would not have time for HS. Same if I have a new relationship. The time I have for HS would be for the new relationship. Seems quite simple and normal to me.
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This is just BS to me ...really? My husband and I are not Siamese twins , we do not spend every waking moment working on our marriage or gazing trance like into each others eyes. If I learned anything ...he will never be more important than ME ...ever. I will never loose all of ME into another ever again. This is simply a baffling statement

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for some this place triggers them
.

This is very true ...for me. I absolutely experience stomach sueeze and anxiety prior to coming on HS. I does take me back to a very painful time and some newbie posts affect me for days . But I walk thru it because I believe it is just that important .

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline OffRoad

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Isn't this just like people's personalities, though?  There are the people who are loyal no matter what. You need them they are THERE for you. Then there are what I call fair weather friends. If it's convenient or helps THEM, sure they will be around. If it's uncomfortable or inconvenient for THEM, you're on your own, kid. And there are likely some that run down the middle. They want to be there for you, but they are just have too much on their plate right now. As soon as life settles down, they'll be back.

I'm not on here like I used to be. I go through fits and spurts. I haven't reconciled, I don't have a new guy, but I have a crazy great life(for me). I'd like people know know you can have a crazy great life, even if you don't stand, even if you don't have a significant other, even if you don't go everywhere or do everything in the world, even if you don't have a shiny perfect new life, even if you never reconcile or even talk to your MLCer again. It's not hope for reconciliation, but it is hope that it's not going to be miserable forever. And maybe even some fun.

MLC was a $h!tee show, but I survived and got my D through college and got my S through high school and kept my house and got a job where I could support myself and my kids even though I had been a mostly SAHM for 18 years and got a brand new roof on the roof over my head and drive off road and visit cool places and have friends to go places with and adventures to take and coloring books to color and ghosts to hunt and surfboards in my rafters and swords on my walls and fake trees in my corners. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to be bored. I freaking WIN!!!!

Who wouldn't want to share that and give people their own brand of hope?

And if bozo brain ever came back and I decided I wanted to talk with him? I'd post that too. Because I'm the loyal no matter what breed. You do me a solid, I'm there for life, though not every waking minute of my life.

And everyone's mileage will vary. Sad for them, IMO, if they don't want to share with the people who were there for them when the going was tough. But people move on (said every MLCer ever). Why should this place be any different than real life? It's a grab bag of personalities.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline xyzcf

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Many many people are here, some everyday, others less so. Some write about their own stories, others respond to those who are new, still others send PM's and even talk to them on the phone...it has been that way since HS started.

Each of us giving what we can.

There is a number beside our names...a number of the amount of posts that each one of us have contributed to HS.

Not one person is "better" than another...these accusations here, telling others what they must do and how they must pay it forward...who gives anyone that right?

Each one of us gives what we can to one another. We form friendships and alliances based upon similarities in our situations. It is not a contest..it is our individual reality.

The tone has become harsh, mean comparing whose MLCer is worse, who has more money, who is the "better" LBSer as names are listed of the "heros" on HS...leaving out many who have given of their time over and over again.

Who are you people? I have never seen this before..demanding that we must do this or we must do that..an internet site...of people who volunteer to help others.....who themselves are dealing with all kinds of stuff in their own lives.....

This..is just wrong.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Nas

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Again, no one has ever said anyone is better or worse for having more or less money.  Can we not rehash that foolish argument that caused  nothing but extreme hurt.
And as far as a list of heroes of HS, if you’re referring to my post, I inserted a few names that came to the top of my head to help make my point. I am very sorry if anyone I didn’t mention is offended.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 09:55:06 PM by Nas »

Offline Anjae

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This may sound arrogant, Anjae, but I will answer your question. For me I NEVER hoped my H would turn around, I expected he would turn around. Yes I expected it.

I get it. However, on HS LBS are told not to have expectations. I learned the same with mediation. Of course pretty much everyone has expectations. However, I prefer hope.

Hope was worked when I took my maternal grandmother to hospital several times, until the last time. The last time I knew it was the end.

At BD, back in October 2006, yes, it was that long ago, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I was in my mid 30s by then. I knew Jungian theory, but, at the time, I didn't thought of it. Theory and reality had nothing in common. Later, I google Jung + MLC and landed here.

Since, I sort of discarted Jungian theory. The more I learned about Carl and Emma and their life, the more it seemed a way of justifing it.

If I based an outcome in facts of mine and Mr J's relationship alone, he would had soon be done with OW1 and be back. No such luck. He was not the person he used to be.

My H even predicted the trajectory of his MLC and he was pretty accurate, even though I got mocked for taking it at face value and believing it. He pretty much promised me he would be where he is right now in the timeline and he was accurate.

Your husband had an insight into his MLC most MLCers do not. Most MLCers don't even know what is going on with them.

If I were to believe Mr J back in 2006, he would go and do "this" ("this" was never explained) and soon it would be just the two of us and things would go back to normal. It didn't happen. He is still in Replay. Somehow, he got lost and become too deep in it.

Why would I need to hope my H wouldn't abandon me when he said he wouldn't?

If most of us were to believe our MLCer was never going to adandon us we would be in for a rude awakening. Mr J told me time and time again he would never abandon me. He did. Among other things, he also become physically abusive.

Your husband's MLC/Replay may had not been mild or easier or anything, but is was not like the MLC most of our spouses have.

But I think the bottom line is who needs hope if you are confident?

I would say one does not invalidate the other. Confident people can be hopeful people and vice-versa.


This is just BS to me ...really? My husband and I are not Siamese twins , we do not spend every waking moment working on our marriage or gazing trance like into each others eyes.

It may be BS to you, but it is not to me. It is precisely because I and Mr J were not Siamese twins, nor I would be with a new person, that the time I have for HS, that is my personal time, would no longer be for HS. It would either be for joint activities outside my personal ones, or for alone personal time that, since now there would be a marriage or new person, would be a little  reduced.

When there is no one in our life and we have no kids, all our time is ours. when there is a marriage/partner things change.

Is there any reason why I should have to remain on HS? I believe if is up to me do decide where I want to get time from/cut spending time at.

It seems to me some of you demand too much of a couple/a few of us. Namely, of Xyzcf and I. Not nice. 


...these accusations here, telling others what they must do and how they must pay it forward...who gives anyone that right?

It is a bit baffling that people that have been mods for many years and supported others for years are being told how they should pay foward and being told BS when they say that if they reconnect or have a new relationship they will cut HS time or leave HS.

Sad for them, IMO, if they don't want to share with the people who were there for them when the going was tough.

When the going was get really tought for me there was no HS. My BD was October 2006. I become a mod not long after I arrived here. I see nothing sad in moving on. I also don't think people have to remain here.  People who have been here for ages are being told we cannot do this or that when it is out life and our business. Odd, very, very odd.

I don't think more than what we/have done can be asked of us.

Maybe lying is a better option, since telling our truth seems to upset people?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Nas

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Anjae,  you have wildly misconstrued my posts and you just simply refuse to see it any other way. No one is demanding that you come back to this site if you choose to leave it. No one is demanding anything of anyone. My original post was simply to say that even the people who decide they do not want to come back could at least let everyone know the status of their situation, since we all follow each other through trials and tribulations for years and years.

To be on a forum for year after year after year getting support from people and then reconcile and just leave and never tell them what happened to you, if you have the ability to let people know, why wouldn’t you? You don’t “owe” it to anyone, it would just be the nice thing to do for people who were supporting you for all those years.

What exactly do you think people are asking of you and xyzcf?
 I haven’t seen anyone ask anything, other than me asking Xyzcf to say the name of the lbs she was referring to who came back and posted. Not at all out of line for me to ask for the name of someone who posted on this forum. It’s not like I was asking her to betray someone’s confidence.

If people are sharing their opinions about how they feel about people being here for years and then reconciling and not sharing that they reconciled, that is their right to share their opinion. I don’t understand why people are getting mad over opinions constantly. If someone’s opinion is different then your own, why is that so infuriating to some people? I do feel the tone here has changed a little bit, but it’s more because people are taking things personally that aren’t personal.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 10:09:02 PM by Nas »

Offline OffRoad

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Sad for them, IMO, if they don't want to share with the people who were there for them when the going was tough.

When the going was get really tought for me there was no HS. My BD was October 2006. I become a mod not long after I arrived here. I see nothing sad in moving on. I also don't think people have to remain here.  People who have been here for ages are being told we cannot do this or that when it is out life and our business. Odd, very, very odd.

I don't think more than what we/have done can be asked of us.

Maybe lying is a better option, since telling our truth seems to upset people?
Since you quoted me, I see I need to specify that I never said there was anything sad in moving on. I DO, however think there is something sad for a person who walks away from someone who was there for them. That is what IMO (In my OPINION means) YOU don't have to think it's sad. I GET to have an opinion, you get one too. Do you find a need to lie when someone doesn't agree with your opinion? I can't see that as a better option, but you get your own opinion on that, too.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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No one is demanding anything of anyone.

That is not how it seems. Xyzcf thought the same. That demands were being made. That, somehow, Xyzcf and I would have, or should, share our reconnection/reconciliation, new relationship even if we do not want to.

My original post was simply to say that even the people who decide they do not want to come back could at least let everyone know the status of their situation, since we all follow each other through trials and tribulations for years and years.

I got it. And I told why they often to not do it and why.

What exactly do you think people are asking of you and xyzcf?

That we own you guys/HS something. Barbie's BS when I said that if I would reconnect or had a new relationship I would not be here and the reasons I gave to me reads like, yeah mate, you are telling BS because of this or that.

it is not BS. I am tellling what I will most likely do. And what I, and  Xyzcf will most likely do, does not please some of you that think we should do something else. However, we get to decide what we do and why.

I don’t understand why people are getting mad over opinions constantly.

I could ask the same.

If someone’s opinion is different then your own, why is that so infuriating to some people?

I don't know. Maybe you can tell me. You seem pretty upset with mine and Xyzcf's opinion and with what we would do. As you seem with those that didn't come back and update on their reconnection and reconciliation.

I do feel the tone here has changed a little bit, but it’s more because people are taking things personally that aren’t personal.

Maybe be. Or maybe it is because people are getting BS when they say what they would do or similar things. 

Since you quoted me, I see I need to specify that I never said there was anything sad in moving on. I DO, however think there is something sad for a person who walks away from someone who was there for them.

You get to have an opinion. So do I. I don't think it is sad to walk away from someone who was there for them. It is part of life.

Many of those Xyzcf, I and the other mods/mentors, mentored and helped walked away. It is how things are on an internet board. I never help expecting people to come back or something.

I love it as much as anyone else when someone shares their reconnection or reconciliation story. Or comes back and say they are in a new marriage or relationship. Or that they are fine. But that is a bonus.

I did not say I found a need to lie. I said that, since the truth is so upsetting and desliked, maybe it is better to lie. That way people will not be distressed they way they seemed to be because I spoke my truth (or others spoke their truth). I got a BS in return. Really? That was my opinion, and what I will most likely do when the situation mentioned arrived. BS? Seems a bit much and odd.

Even if others may not like or agree with what I will do. People openly say what they will do, they get a BS. Odd.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Nas

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No one is demanding anything of anyone.

That is not how it seems. Xyzcf thought the same. That demands were being made. That, somehow, Xyzcf and I would have, or should, share our reconnection/reconciliation, new relationship even if we do not want to.

Huh? I am so speechless over this.I mean, just...huh?

My original post was simply to say that even the people who decide they do not want to come back could at least let everyone know the status of their situation, since we all follow each other through trials and tribulations for years and years.

I got it. And I told why they often to not do it and why.

You did. Repeatedly. The problem is that my question was not whether they leave or why. It was specifically about why anyone would reconcile and not share it with the people who helped them grieve and grow for years. And honestly, it was more a rhetorical question about my opinion on the subject. And my opinion, as much as you may think otherwise, does not require your correction. It’s my opinion..

What exactly do you think people are asking of you and xyzcf?

That we own you guys/HS something. Barbie's BS when I said that if I would reconnect or had a new relationship I would not be here and the reasons I gave to me reads like, yeah mate, you are telling BS because of this or that.

it is not BS. I am tellling what I will most likely do. And what I, and  Xyzcf will most likely do, does not please some of you that think we should do something else. However, we get to decide what we do and why.

Since NO ONE named any names except me when I directed something to xyzcf, how on earth did you come to the conclusion anyone was talking directly about or to  that JUST YOU and XYZ? This came out of nowhere. I’m not at all seeing how you thought anyone was asking anything of you specifically. And Barbie is entitled to her opinion that it’s BS. Once again, opinions are personal and we all get to have them. And express them.

I don’t understand why people are getting mad over opinions constantly.

I could ask the same.

If someone’s opinion is different then your own, why is that so infuriating to some people?

I don't know. Maybe you can tell me. You seem pretty upset with mine and Xyzcf's opinion and with what we would do. As you seem with those that didn't come back and update on their reconnection and reconciliation.

I am upset with you because you once again a)  beat a dead horse to the point of complete exhaustion and b) when you say “you seem to not understand…” It’s incredibly rude and condescending. I let it pass without comment earlier. But no, I don’t respond well when people speak to me that way, or when people speak to anyone that way.

I do feel the tone here has changed a little bit, but it’s more because people are taking things personally that aren’t personal.

Maybe be. Or maybe it is because people are getting BS when they say what they would do or similar things. 

Since you quoted me, I see I need to specify that I never said there was anything sad in moving on. I DO, however think there is something sad for a person who walks away from someone who was there for them.

You get to have an opinion. So do I. I don't think it is sad to walk away from someone who was there for them. It is part of life.

Many of those Xyzcf, I and the other mods/mentors, mentored and helped walked away. It is how things are on an internet board. I never help expecting people to come back or something.

I love it as much as anyone else when someone shares their reconnection or reconciliation story. Or comes back and say they are in a new marriage or relationship. Or that they are fine. But that is a bonus.

I did not say I found a need to lie. I said that, since the truth is so upsetting and desliked, maybe it is better to lie. That way people will not be distressed they way they seemed to be because I spoke my truth (or others spoke their truth). I got a BS in return. Really? That was my opinion, and what I will most likely do when the situation mentioned arrived. BS? Seems a bit much and odd.

Even if others may not like or agree with what I will do. People openly say what they will do, they get a BS. Odd.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 11:03:44 PM by Nas »

Offline Anjae

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Huh? I am so speechless over this.I mean, just...huh?

And I am totally confused. I said what it seems to me. To me, my personal opinion. It does not mean it is.

This is becoming too complicated and too confusing to me.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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