This may sound arrogant, Anjae, but I will answer your question. For me I NEVER hoped my H would turn around, I expected he would turn around. Yes I expected it.
I get it. However, on HS LBS are told not to have expectations. I learned the same with mediation. Of course pretty much everyone has expectations. However, I prefer hope.
Hope was worked when I took my maternal grandmother to hospital several times, until the last time. The last time I knew it was the end.
At BD, back in October 2006, yes, it was that long ago, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I was in my mid 30s by then. I knew Jungian theory, but, at the time, I didn't thought of it. Theory and reality had nothing in common. Later, I google Jung + MLC and landed here.
Since, I sort of discarted Jungian theory. The more I learned about Carl and Emma and their life, the more it seemed a way of justifing it.
If I based an outcome in facts of mine and Mr J's relationship alone, he would had soon be done with OW1 and be back. No such luck. He was not the person he used to be.
My H even predicted the trajectory of his MLC and he was pretty accurate, even though I got mocked for taking it at face value and believing it. He pretty much promised me he would be where he is right now in the timeline and he was accurate.
Your husband had an insight into his MLC most MLCers do not. Most MLCers don't even know what is going on with them.
If I were to believe Mr J back in 2006, he would go and do "this" ("this" was never explained) and soon it would be just the two of us and things would go back to normal. It didn't happen. He is still in Replay. Somehow, he got lost and become too deep in it.
Why would I need to hope my H wouldn't abandon me when he said he wouldn't?
If most of us were to believe our MLCer was never going to adandon us we would be in for a rude awakening. Mr J told me time and time again he would never abandon me. He did. Among other things, he also become physically abusive.
Your husband's MLC/Replay may had not been mild or easier or anything, but is was not like the MLC most of our spouses have.
But I think the bottom line is who needs hope if you are confident?
I would say one does not invalidate the other. Confident people can be hopeful people and vice-versa.
This is just BS to me ...really? My husband and I are not Siamese twins , we do not spend every waking moment working on our marriage or gazing trance like into each others eyes.
It may be BS to you, but it is not to me. It is precisely because I and Mr J were not Siamese twins, nor I would be with a new person, that the time I have for HS, that is my personal time, would no longer be for HS. It would either be for joint activities outside my personal ones, or for alone personal time that, since now there would be a marriage or new person, would be a little reduced.
When there is no one in our life and we have no kids, all our time is ours. when there is a marriage/partner things change.
Is there any reason why I should have to remain on HS? I believe if is up to me do decide where I want to get time from/cut spending time at.
It seems to me some of you demand too much of a couple/a few of us. Namely, of Xyzcf and I. Not nice.
...these accusations here, telling others what they must do and how they must pay it forward...who gives anyone that right?
It is a bit baffling that people that have been mods for many years and supported others for years are being told how they should pay foward and being told BS when they say that if they reconnect or have a new relationship they will cut HS time or leave HS.
Sad for them, IMO, if they don't want to share with the people who were there for them when the going was tough.
When the going was get really tought for me there was no HS. My BD was October 2006. I become a mod not long after I arrived here. I see nothing sad in moving on. I also don't think people have to remain here. People who have been here for ages are being told we cannot do this or that when it is out life and our business. Odd, very, very odd.
I don't think more than what we/have done can be asked of us.
Maybe lying is a better option, since telling our truth seems to upset people?