Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.  (Read 2315 times)

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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My Story Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« on: August 17, 2019, 06:31:14 PM »
New thread.  I am unsure how to link it. 

My profile gives the recap, but basically my h is beginning the D process.  The man he was before is completely gone, he seems unstable.  He wants nothing to do with me and has alienated his kids. 

He is in the military and is a 2nd generation MLCer.  I am standing in the sense I am not going to date for a few years, but unsure I would take him back.

The truth is, our life was so normal before this, now it is crazy town.

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10764.0
« Last Edit: August 19, 2019, 03:20:01 AM by Thunder »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2019, 06:45:23 PM »
Hi FJ,
Latching on for the ride.
So sorry this is happening. Praying that H comes around and makes some improvement soon.

Hold tight, you're doing amazing. So much strength.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Ausgatorgirl

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2019, 07:05:45 PM »
I’m sorry FJ. My military exH was the same. He is a vanisher. Left at BD and I’ve only spoken on phone once. We are divorced. I figured all I could do was stand aside and let him leave after 34 years. It’s heartbreaking but there is no other way. I’m living life as if he is not coming home (he tells everyone he is never coming back). I’ve got a great job not dating yet and live near adult children. Thought we had a great marriage, but seems I didn’t know he was unhappy for past 5 years. He lives with much younger OW. I don’t snoop, know very little and keep it that way.

Hugs.
Me: 58
H: 59
S30, D27
Married for 34 years
BD 11 August 2017
OW - yes, maybe multiple
H: Vanisher and Avoider
M: Letting go, trusting the process.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2019, 09:01:19 PM »
Attaching, FJ. Just posted on your old thread before I noticed this one.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019

Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

"Learning how to live like she ain't coming back."

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2019, 04:39:37 AM »
Attaching FJ..  Just read the last update on your old thread.. I'm very sorry for you and your kids  :( Your H clearly does not care about anyone bar himself which is MLC script. Everything will be your fault because that removes any responsibility for him and in his skewed mind, makes perfect sense.

If you were to stay, can you do it without his involvement?  In true MLC fashion, things will probably get worse with him so relying on him to stay might not be the best option. Can you stay if he divorces you? I know you will have to move but would you be able to support yourself and the kids or will you depend on him for that?
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2019, 08:43:13 AM »
Hi SS, AG, PJ and One Day.

One Day, That is where it becomes really complicated.  The only kid that does not want to stay an extra year is d7.  So the other 3 want to stay and I believe the pros outweigh the cons for those kids.  We live on base in a not so great area of town.  We drive 15 minutes to anything and 30 to church and where I would want to live if we were here long term.  The littles go to a school just outside of the base we live on(it is awesome).  The bigs go to a school 10 minutes from the Naval Hospital base my h works at.  It is just what they need.  If we stay and I work here next year I need h take take my two bigs to school.  There is no other way.  They do not have busing.  Which means I would need to live near his work.  There is a pocket of housing that is safe right by the navy hospital.  I just prefer to live in another area in the suburbs as a single (scaredy-cat) woman. We all feel completely safe on base. So we would have to live there and I think it would work.  Also, it makes licensure super tricky.  I could possibly just work at a private school next year and still get TX teacher licensure to simplify things. 

It would be cheaper to stay here a second year.

PJ, Thank You for lighting that candle.  I’ve never been through anything this hard.  Yes, I do have 4 people in RL(who live far away) to confide in.  I’m thankful for them and he.

AG, 34 years!!!  Wow!!!  Good job standing aside, I seem to put my foot in it every other day.  I’m pretty sure this crises does not play into my strengths.

SS, I’ve been keeping up with your thread!  I’m so glad things are looking up for y’all!  I guess we are as strong as we need to be.  I am no stronger than that.

Journaling,  I found out my divorce care class starts this week(no one was there when I showed up last week).  We are becoming members at church and highly considering staying here the next two years for s12 and d14.  I do not see is staying long term, but who knows.

Why is h so cruel to me.  After the kids tried to talk to him he spewed so much vile garbage at me.  He said he feels sorry for my future husband, that he cannot stand anything about me.  My looks, my faith, my personality.  He blamed me for s12’s Dyslexia.  He said he cannot be married to me a moment longer than he has to.  He was so disrespectful to me in front of the kids and basically four times made statements against our faith in front of the kids.  It is a nightmare.  Who he is now scares me.  I talked to my sil last night and she thinks we should leave to get away from him.

He has been short tempered with the kids, but last night was the first time he was so ugly to them.  D12 and d14 finally told him how they feel.  He was not gracious.  D14 says she never wants to see him again.  The situation basically forced him to reveal his true colors and they were old enough to see it for what it was.  He is putting himself above them, he is fine with them being a 12 hour drive away.  They now know who he currently is.  My heart grieves.

He also said that I am getting what I deserve(being a single mom of four kids).  That he is willing to take a couple of kids and since I do not want him to, I cannot complain about raising them on my own because it is my choice.

There is only one kids that would consider living with him d5 and after a week even he would miss home.  I would never want to lose custody of our kids, I just wanted him to come home and be a good husband and father.

After last nights crazy.  He texted he will be at church this morning.  This after spewing atheism at the kids last night(at which point they told him to leave). 

The kids and I are adding Sunday evening church activities into our schedule.  Basically Choir for the littles s12 will learn technology stuff(sound system, cameras, learn to volunteer), d14 May do youth praise team.  She sings at home and is an exceptional pianist, but so far to shy to join the band.

I had better get inside.  Crazy h will be here soon(at church).
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2019, 09:04:10 AM »
Tbh FJ fwiw I think your sil is right.
For very good practical factual reasons.....ranging from your support system through building a career, being able to plan longer term and having a life which is not tied to the whims or spew of your MLC h. They are predictably unreliable as parents sadly for everything big and small, so basing their schooling on him doing anything consistently is a gamble with poor odds based on what others have experienced.

I understand you wanting to listen to your kids and respect their needs too. But they are kids and a few months ago felt differently. Right now you are the only sane adult in your family and adults get the deciding vote imho. As an adult you understand things your kids cannot and can predict risk in ways your kids cannot. Your h's sadly predictable reaction to them asking him as they did tells you clearly that he will not put his kid's needs or stability first...so imho you must. They might not want to move or for things to be as they are...but that doesn't change the new realities that your h has created..and that he is not interested in compromise or anything but what he wants. Tbh right now bc of his career you have some leverage....I can see risks in delaying any divorce including maybe custody, and I'm sure you don't want that. .I honestly think you have to steer your family to a safe harbour and explain to your kids that part of being a grown up is making the tough decisions. MLC trumps divorce; it does not mean that reconciliation is always impossible....but keeping your familiy's metaphorical wagon hitched to someone acting this way carries significant risk practically and emotionally for you and your kids. Jmo.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2019, 11:53:38 AM »
Hi Treasure!  Yes, if I had a support system in the town we would be living in I would be gone ASAP.  I do agree with many of your points and all of this weighs on my mind.  A high part of my reluctance to leave lies with s12 and the program he got into this year.  In TX I could not afford it.  This program at his school could make the difference for him in having the option to go to college if he chooses, or not.

It is difficult to know what to do in that way.  Also, it does mean a lot to me that my kids go to a school that holds our beliefs, they do here.  They will not in TX.

Ultimately, I have to make a decision soon. 

Journaling, so my h showed up at church and none of the kids would sit by him, so I had to.  S5 would have, but he goes to a class.  It wasn’t awkward at all.  I am very detached from this alien version of my h.  The message was on loving even those who hate you, or spit on you...

H apologized to s12, but not to d14 or me.  Basically d14 told him he is no longer her father and has not visited him since he left.  So he is probably holding a grudge.  He wants to meet with me tomorrow and used the word civilly.  He never wants to meet me.  I expect either spew, him trying to come to a compromise or him saying we can stay in the housing.

In other news, I am on a 21 day smoothie cleanse.  3 of the days is a detox with only green smoothies(which I love).  The smoothies are really good and filling.  I am scaling back my working out during the cleanse to just a walk on the beach or bay everyday. 

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2019, 12:06:28 PM »
All you can do FJ is make the most rational and optimistic choice from the options in front of you. It sounds as if you are trying to balance some different things, sort of apples and pears? And trying to figure out what are needs vs wants, knowns vs unknowns and whether x is more important than y.

My only tip which I use with clients sometimes is to write each issue on a separate card...not the problem but what you want/need...and then start sorting through them to see which are more important and if there are some hidden links between them or where you might need more info. Use a different coloured card or pen for more info needed. Then take your top 5-7 and using different coloured card or pen brainstorm some different options for each one so you can challenge your own assumptions on different ways to achieve the same end...and there are often way more than we think. And all while reminding yourself that you and your kids will be ok whatever you choose bc you will make it so  :)...and trust us here that you will FJ bc it's true. You are building while your h is busy destroying....you can't change his actions or mindset, and he will sadly eventually reap what he sows...but you can change yours.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2019, 02:35:09 PM »
Thank You Treasur!  I appreciate that advice!  I forgot to mention, I do not necessarily feel like us living here an extra year gives my h more of a likelihood for custody.  The truth is he would not want the littles and if the bigs wanted to live with him at some point I could not stop them.  The only way they would want to is if he gets his act together.

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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