Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.  (Read 2313 times)

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2019, 08:36:23 PM »
So H wanted to meet tomorrow, but I wanted to know why before going.  He basically wanted to discuss last night, but said none of his decisions have changed.  I said if nothing has changed we can discuss what you want to discuss over the phone. 

Basically he just wanted to go into detail about why he did what he did.  No apologies, more blame shifting, same old.  I asked him why he says all of the ugly things he does to me about not loving me etc.  That he is divorcing me and I am not contesting it, so why be so ugly.  He says I cause him to say it.  He says he no longer finds me attractive.

A lot of what he says doesn’t hurt me anymore, but this did.  I think because there is a feeling of him taking my youth and then disposing of me.  I am in great shape and look like I did when we met, but am 38 now.  So I found his comments hurtful.  As if to say I am only as valuable as my looks(which will fade).  There are so many emotions that go into what he said.  The thing is, I am not threatened by his comments.  I see my own worth, but for a man who made a vow to love me for always to say such a thing.  It was just hurtful.

Also, it is such a double standard.  He has aged way more than I have(especially recently), he is balding.  But, I could care less about his looks.  What attracted me to him was his sense of humor, character, his integrity.  So, truly I can say I am not attracted to him, because he is no longer a man of integrity, he is not funny and he seems to have no character.  But, why would I say that to him....  That would be hurting someone just for spite, which is exactly why he told me.  He enjoys hurting me.  I’m getting tired of dealing with him.  I have questioned moving to text only, but am concerned that if I do, he will as well and then communication could get difficult.  He calls all the time, but just for kids, finances etc.

Also, I’m lonely.  I cannot be alone forever and I feel like I have been alone in this marriage for way to long.

I am thinking of changing gears a bit and getting my Masters now versus waiting.  There are pros and cons, but it would mean if we want to stay here, I can run the kids around myself and I am still flexible with my schedule while my kids are still young.  It’s just a thought for now. 

The truth is, MLC or not, the more my h puts me through, the more done I am.  He is in MLC(I will give him that), but ultimately he is making these choices.  He is accountable.  I do recognize that I am accountable for how I react and am continually trying to grow and do better.  I have failed at my part in all of this quite a bit.  I fail to zip my lips regularly.  I try to fix and lecture my h.  I am frustrated with myself.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2019, 09:29:01 PM »
Sorry he's saying such awful things. I'm sure this is one of the most difficult things you've ever gone through. I know the last three years were the hardest of my life. And I'm old!

Take it easy on yourself about being a fixer. I'm a fixer too. There were many times my attempts to fix things were counterproductive, but I never tried to fix anything out of disrespect or a sense of superiority. You probably haven't either. I think that wanting to fix something that is broken is a natural feeling. It offended my MLCer wife, but she is broken and she sure wasn't making any effort to fix herself. So excuse us for trying to help, right? You said a lot here, but the fixing issue is one I used to beat myself up for, but eventually decided not to feel so bad about. Take it easy on yourself - you shouldn't have to be perfect. Trying not to offend an MLCer is like trying to shoot an arrow through the eye of a needle while riding on horseback standing on one foot blindfolded in the rain.

"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019

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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2019, 12:00:56 AM »
Don't worry, FJ, you will learn bit by bit.
And each experience like that will help you see that you are no longer dealing with a normal decent adult and that logic does not reach them.

Your instinct was right not to meet.
You knew that he would most likely just spew and justify his spew.
Next time you will probably cut the phone call short when he does.
These are the experiences that shape our boundaries. We stop doing things the way they want us to do when we choose not to listen to hurtful spiteful things and when we stop fearing their reactions when we say no.
I would humbly suggest that communication is already 'difficult'...so you will reach a point where you will saybif you can't be civil I will end the phone convo...and if he won't modify that, you will say that you will only do email or emergency texts as a way of limiting your exposure to what is abuse.

What you said to him was quite reasonable. His response was BS...if you could 'cause' him to do anything, I'm sure you would cause some rather better behaviour right? And yes, trust your instinct that he wants to be spiteful, he wants to hurt you....makes no sense I know, but MLCers are full of rage and a need to justify and blame the LBS.

And he knows you well enough to know your weak spots. Of course it is shocking and hurtful...but the list of abuse MLCers come up with veers from the standard (old/fat/unattractive/controlling/stealing my money) to the absurd (walks heavily/dog is too fat/your fault I didn't become a racing driver/rock star). Please keep holding to the truth that this isn't about you and his words are just MLC brain vomit. You know that in your heart.

The horror of what they do and the kind of humans they become for a while does serve the purpose of helping us to detach more. Which in turn reduces the impact of the BS stuff. With time, you will take a more detached POV about it and him but it is harder to do that if a bit of you is still on the battlefield isn't it?

The masters sounds like an interesting idea...is there any way to do it that is independent of a location change or transferable if you do move?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2019, 01:18:55 AM »
I’m not sure knowing this much helps your hurt feelings in the short term, but it does longer term I think:  understand that the contempt he shows is about his shame and his inability to regulate it.  Contempt is shame turned outwards.  You are doing the best thing by not retaliating as he will stop doing it more quickly.

I used to JADE (justify, argue, defend and explain) but I shouldn’t have as it just dragged everything on and he isn’t going to listen in this state.  You seem to ‘get it’ much quicker than I did and are being a fantastic parent.   

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2019, 04:37:36 AM »
His spew about not finding you attractive? PROJECTION! He looks in the mirror and sees an old guy going bald and projects that on you....

He is, as others have noted, simply blame-shifting in order to avoid being held accountable for his actions/words. Until he gets his head out of his .... fog... that is NOT going to change.  I mean, seriously.... How does he explain that YOU are responsible for s!2 being dyslexic? How does he justify that D14 doesn't want to have ANYTHING to do with him as being your fault, after he spews his vitrol....

One question to consider is whether or not that kind of person is someone you want in your kids lives?

Treasur is right - H needs to have boundaries set... as in
"You will speak to me civilly or the conversation will be ended until such time as you can speak civilly to me."

From my perspective, he is going to push the D through as fast as he can so your time on military housing is limited. It would be best to plan for that now and to have choices instead of having to react at the lasst minute and possibly ending up somewhere you do not wish to be.

While I understand that the desire to have your kids in a church school is enticing, in the grand scheme of things, does that outweigh the damage that H is doing by his continued nastiness?

Taking the kids desires and wishes into account is important but is it as important, does it outweigh the exposure to the disrespect, the denigration, the blaming, the refusal to take personal responsibility for his own actions/choices, the spew, the verbal abuse? What does that exposure teach them?

Is there a way to reduce their exposure to such influences and still stay where you are?

Just a few things to think about as someone (ex-Navy) who had a Monster in my first go-around.....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2019, 05:26:12 AM »
UM, He never says or does anything in front of the kids, short of the other evening.  It is all said privately or when they are not around.  So it only effects them because it effects me.  Overall, outside of the other evening, they are beginning to thrive.  Part of that is the amazing staff that pours into them at their school.

I do agree though, if we stay, my walls will get higher.  The truth is, I need to learn to get out of the fight and just get off the phone.  He says that d14 feels the way she does because back when he lived here, she overheard us arguing and that is my fault because I was way more emotional than he was.

I don’t cure see a clear path forward with staying or leaving.  I am unsure what to do.

Nerissa, I get it in word only.  I allow him to draw me in at times.  It’s probably the loneliness.  I love JADE!!!  I will use that.  Thank You!

Treasur, you are right about my contact with him.  I should not engage.  I should have just gotten off the phone.  I do see my part.  I need to not try to fix/lecture and just listen.  If he monsters I need to get off the phone.  I have to grow in this.

The Masters degree is online and works for either state.  It eliminates the problem of me working and eventually getting a master’s at the same time(which may never happen with 4 kids as a single mom).    But it would mean me getting a masters in School Counseling versus Educational Diagnostician.  Basically to be an Ed Diag you have to teach 2 years with a valid teacher cert before you can START the masters.  So I need to figure out reality, probability, and what is best long term. 

PJ, I like your simile;). Yes, it does feel as if we are expected to be perfect.  He told me, if this is my best, that is pathetic the other evening.  I had told him I am doing my best.  Yes, I can relate to this being the hardest thing you have gone through, it is for me as well, hands down. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2019, 05:41:10 AM »
FJ, I have to say I think you are doing tremendously well for so early on. I get that it doesn't feel that way to you but we can see it.

What kept me engaging...and therefore taking more hits...was that I simply couldn't swallow that my then h saw my thoughts, feelings and wellbeing as completely irrelevant to him. At best. At worst he got some kind of kick or sense of power from doing things that hurt me or made my life harder. It isn't normal, my friend, so it takes all of us a while to 'get' it enough to stop expecting anything else. But when we do, and you are getting closer and closer, the simple things and simple boundaries do help. And we stop caring so much about their opinion of anything really bc it is mostly MLC BS and me-me drama.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #17 on: August 19, 2019, 08:14:41 PM »
I just had my very first “touch and go”.  He was normal.  He called and gave a very genuine apology about the other day.  No justification.  He said that he struggles with feeling cornered(I get the impression he Monsters to others), and that he should not have said all of those ugly things to me.

He was considering how to repair things with the kids.  I explained to him that they seem to all act the same way now about and towards him as he and his brothers acted towards their MLC Mom(negatively).  He questioned if s12 would want to visit this weekend.  D7 will have her beach party and become d8.

I told him not to give up on d14, that she is hurt the most because she was a Daddy’s girl.  Ultimately nothing changes, but it shows the kids turning on him did effect him.  Not enough for him to care if we stay or go ::)

He practically admitted he was just trying to hurt me.  I was proud of myself because I did not try to say too much.  I did apologize for my part.  He brought up that sometimes when he lived here the kids overheard us(and said he was at fault too).  I said I wish I could say I would have done things differently, but that in those early days(after bd) I was traumatized.  That I truly did try my best to protect the kids. 

The truth is, in those days I cried 24/7, but never stopped functioning.  I cried and cooked, I cried and drove, I cried and read to them.  I was truly in my own fog.  Me functioning was all I could give them.  I could not give them a pretend smile, that came months later.   I was as broken as I have ever been in this life.  It’s interesting, because life seems hard, but when I look back over the last year, I am better now than I have been since bd(and the months prior to bd). 

I mentioned that before this past many months, we rarely argued.  That we had a peaceful home.  He did most of the talking.  At some point I did ask, do you ever question the results of your new belief system.  It seems to have only brought pain to us all.

I know he does go to counseling. 

The kids and I are in a better place now that school has started.  The structure and routine is good for us.  I feel better and I think they do too.  S5 is struggling with the long school days.  None of my other kids went to school all day in kindergarten, I think k-5 should be a half day, but it’s not here.  I don’t know if it is his personality, his Dad leaving or something else, but s5 is regressing with me being able to leave him.  When I try to drop him off he clings to me.  None of my other kids did this(I will say they were all homeschooled until recently), the others were glad to have a bit of space from me;)

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2019, 08:23:41 PM »
Very cool, that's great FJ!!!

Now.... how did you feel about it?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2019, 08:41:00 PM »
I don’t think I can truly feel much about it.  It would take many months of kindness and respect for me to be able to let him in enough to feel anything in a good sense.  He is still divorcing me, he is still in essence making it very difficult for me to chose to stay here.  My life is in shambles(and while I try to forgive, I have to daily)I don’t know, It’s good, but I know it changes nothing.  He did pause when I mentioned that for 16 years prior to his deployment we rarely argued and had a peaceful home(overall).

But, I would for sure prefer to deal with this version of h than the one I have dealt with for a year.  I do give him credit for never going back on his word(so far) about anything financial.  I do believe a large part of that is that he would get into trouble with the military if he did, but I still give him some credit.  We have had to tightly manage, but have not gone without.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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