Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.  (Read 2311 times)

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #110 on: September 10, 2019, 11:38:32 AM »
Treasur- You truly hit the nail on the head with everything you just said.  He has to want it enough to find something that works.  Currently he is content believing he cannot get better, but has not made much effort to try.  I think EMDR therapy would help him, but what do I know(just his horrible wife who ruined his life and has cooties;).
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #111 on: September 10, 2019, 12:06:05 PM »
I was thinking a bit about ‘cake eating’ today.  About how many of us can only get ‘cake’ from one source.  Sadly that source already has someone eating from it and so germs are an issue.

But, some of us Really like ‘cake’.  The idea of going many years without ‘cake’, is unsettling.  The cake is really good ‘cake’.  The baker knows what they are doing, as the’ve had many years of experience, but after the cake is eaten I know there will be ‘cake’ guilt.  Still, sometimes you just need a good slice of ‘cake’. 

Hmmm.  It’s a good thing this particular cake is not available at midnight when my will power is less than sufficient.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #112 on: September 10, 2019, 02:51:35 PM »
Oh I hear you FJ!! I just can't imagine going on forever without "cake"!! The "cake" I used to enjoy though now looks like it fell on the floor and people have stepped on it so I can't see myself eating it anymore... So eventually I think I will have to find a different "cake"... I'm not one for sampling though so I have to make the right choice!  ;)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #113 on: September 10, 2019, 03:59:14 PM »
You’ve got me laughing one day!!

I’m not one for sampling either and I think the cake I’m used to eating has rotted with ow cooties! :o. Too bad!!

« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 05:40:07 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #114 on: September 10, 2019, 04:16:27 PM »
Journaling, It is the first night I have allowed my h in the house with me still in it in some time.  I was not triggered by his presence and in fact, felt nothing.  I just served the dinner quiche up to everyone and treated him like a casual acquaintance.  After awhile I came upstairs to my room.

He did say something that was ludicrous.  I just smiled and did not say a word.  I wasn’t smiling at him, I’m just in a smiley mood.

He comes in and tells d14 that her MeMaw says she loves her(h’s mom who had an MLC, tried to come back, was denied and never came out of MLC).  My d14 says, “oh, then why hasn’t she called in like 8 years” ;D.  He thinks a minute and says, I guess things aren’t always black and white. 

Not to be an MLC basher ::), but seriously!  That is one of the things he told me after bd, I see things in black and white.  Yes, I do see certain things in black and white, hmm let’s see, when you’re married you cannot also have a girlfriend.  What else, uhm when you have a gaggle of kids, you are in fact expected to be a father to them, not just a friend.  Lastly, if you care anything about someone, you talk to them(she never ever contacts any of us). 

Anyways, I thought it showed how crazy he is.  D14 also commented the other day about how h always uses the bathroom when he comes by.  I had noticed it too, like he needs to find a way to get inside.  It’s weird.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 04:53:34 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #115 on: September 11, 2019, 07:44:40 AM »
I spoke with my LBS friend who lives in OH with 5 kids last night.  She got bd at the same time I did last year, but they are now divorced, she would never consider taking him back.  He really messed her over financially and had it put in the D that she HAS to work full time.  Which is just a lot with 5 kids as a single mom. 

She is a nurse and is getting back out there, but not looking for a serious relationship.  This next summer she and her 5 kids plan to come hang with us on the FL beaches. 

Today is day two that my despair seems to be gone.  I feel light and ready to live life.  My d8 is sick today and she and I are missing out on the big Patriots Day event at her school.  S5 is still participating and h will get to go. 

I will miss divorce recovery tonight, d14 called my h for a ride to youth group since d8 has the stomach bug.  My h said he has plans so that is iffy.  He called me(he seems to call everyday for something) and I mentioned that I also had plans tonight(he does not know I do a d class), but that I would have to miss them because that is how it goes with a sick child.

Of course he did not take the bait and is highly unlikely to skip his plans to run s12, s5 and d14 to their Wednesday night activities.

Not to worry, I did not try to seduce my h yesterday.  I’m seriously not attracted to selfishness, or 15 year olds in a 42 year old body.  I do miss my old h, but do not wallow in that too often.

I have to believe I will be divorced by next summer because it will hurt less to have my guard up.  That said, I have always been my h’s secretary and if I were not paying all of our bills, I doubt they would get paid.  We have a situation that needs handled by mid October(he needs to act now), it affects us both financially.  If he would give me permission I would deal with it, but he will not.  He however is not dealing with it either.  I am concerned.

Seeing this small thing does lead me to believe there is a good chance the d will drag out, as he cannot function and has not even gotten a lawyer.  It would be nice if it drug out through the summer, as I will not have a teaching job until fall and having healthcare lapse would not be ideal.  Though, I am of perfect health currently.

I just feel so indifferent when it comes to this version of my h.  I pray for him, but feel nothing for him.  It’s a weird detached feeling, and now I understand how some of you can be casual, chatty even, flirt, or just be carefree while around them.  I can see how we sometimes begin to act like the ow.  I don’t need him, I am not dependent emotionally on him, much like a new ow it is just carefree banter or flirting.  I am not there with him yet, but I see how easy it is to get there.  Because I am ready to enjoy life and let the resentments go.  To have fun and live fully. 

If he wants to live in misery and not deal with his stuff for years, it’s not my problem anymore.  I have done the hard work of healing, of feeling my emotions fully, of looking into the “abyss” and choosing not to fall in.  His work is on him.  That said, I can tell he sees changes in me, but I think me being content just takes his guilt away, it is not turning him toward me at this time.  He feels better about living for himself because he knows the kids have me and I am fine.

This may change, but this is what I see right now.  Though I did notice him do a double take in a good way the other day.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #116 on: September 11, 2019, 11:34:37 AM »
Joy,
They have special cake stores that sell imitation cake.
It’s certainly not the real deal....but it will do in a pinch.  And imitation cake is better than no cake at all. Think of it as “self care.”   😂😂😂

And he is finding a way in to scan the area and assess your level of detachment? HA! I would have fun with that....but I happen to have a devious mind....I might even conspicuously start to place new pictures of you and the kids without him in it around. Borrow a male friends jacket. 🤷‍♀️ Have fun with it.

Heck you could literally stage any scenario you wanted....what’s the halter and stirrups for? We bought a small indoor horse, none of your business, you have used the restroom and spent 23 minutes washing your hands....get out!

In fact if it was me....I would say I was busy...had places to be and make a point of hustling him back out of the house and leaving.....sorry dear....you moved out and your family doesn’t have time for you anymore.....🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #117 on: September 11, 2019, 12:22:57 PM »
Courage-Haha!  All awesome ideas!  Maybe just a random picture of a male model:)

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #118 on: September 11, 2019, 12:38:29 PM »
Joy,
Precisely. But if he asks who that is...just say “oh, that? It’s just a friend.” 🤷‍♀️
😂😂😂
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #119 on: September 11, 2019, 12:43:12 PM »
The thing is, it’s one thing to be pretty sure they are with an OW and it’s another thing to know.

I now know without a shadow he is still in a relationship with ow2 and I now know for sure it is physical.  I was not snooping.  Months ago, I used to look at our joint cell phone records, and that is how I knew he had an OW2.  They talked all the time and so I assumed since he had moved out, they were likely intimate.

Back then I looked up her info briefly, just enough to know she was single, and lived either in a town in TN or that, that was her previous address and now she lived in Charleston SC.

That is all I needed to know and since then I just assumed he was with her, and assumed he was visiting her regularly.  He denies it all, and so a part of me wondered if nothing ever came of them, or if they had broken up.

He has never, ever, even in the face of proof admitted to anything.  It’s all lies. Always.

Well, I was on online banking today and noticed his money withdrawal was from Charleston, SC.  He was supposedly in VA last week.  I knew as soon as I saw it, but wanted his reaction.  I asked him via text, did you go to Charleston, SC?  He said, I drove through there why?  I said, odd way to get home.  Admittedly toying with him.

He then calls....All the proof I needed.  A panic call.  Why do I want to know?  What does it matter?

I took our family picture down and my ring off after he said some disrespectful things on the phone.  I am not one to live a life as a doormat.  He has a girlfriend and reinforced that I mean nothing to him on the phone.  “What does it matter if I am seeing someone, we will be divorced soon”.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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