Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.  (Read 2314 times)

Offline Standing Strong

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2019, 08:49:41 PM »
Totally makes sense. Glad you're protecting yourself emotionally.

I really hope this "version" lasts. Any improvement is good even if it's not what we really want.

One step at a time.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2019, 09:14:50 PM »
SS, Yes, I cannot remember the last time we had a genuine conversation.  In the early months we did some, but they were all him genuinely giving me bad news;). So, any improvement is good. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #22 on: August 20, 2019, 03:53:20 AM »
Hello,

First off congratulations on your first touch and go. I was so excited about mine, I thought we were reconnecting. LOL The most important thing is to maintain the same level of measured response with him as he sorts through his many emotions. As you don't get sucked into his roller coaster, then you will be fine.

As an educator,

Quote
None of my other kids went to school all day in kindergarten

I know that many of my colleagues and parents love all day kinder. I think it is good for many kids but not all. My oldest would have easily made it through the day but my youngest needed the half day. A full day would have been to long for her and she needed the rest.

She learned a lot in that half day and ended the year as a reader which is all that I could ask for. Unfortunately, everyone is on the bandwagon that more time in school is better and children like your son- don't get the best. You may ask if he can be put on a half day schedule for the first part of the year. He can then grow accustomed to school and leaving you. It may make everything better for you, the teacher, and most importantly your son. I don't know the laws and regulations in Florida as they shift from state to state and I don't know how this would impact your schedule, but it is something to consider.

Other than that, you seem to be doing well and I am glad that you and your family are doing so well.


(((Hugs))) and more ((((hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #23 on: August 20, 2019, 07:17:21 AM »
Ready!  I educated my other kids classically and so the more traditional model is hard for me to prefer. 
I really prefer letting them be kids early on(with lots of reading, math and games for learning.  Also, I am biased because I went to public school, but in kindergarten-2nd we got an earlier day.

My little guy is a summer baby, so he is one of the youngest kids.  Truly, my 1st grade daughter struggled last year as well with it being too long.  She is second grade now and seems fine.  It is all new to me.  When my bigs were this age, they got all the work in, but since it was individualized learning the school day was much shorter.  We will get used to it I guess, since it is the norm in education now and seems required at the school he goes to.

Journaling-Something that my h has consistently brought up since bd and brought up last night is our differing beliefs.  This is something I cannot/will not change for the marriage.  Before the deployment my husband and I had similar beliefs.  We put God first and gave the kids a Christian education and home life.  Until this year, their life was stable.  My husband even has a double major in ministry.

Anyways, something we discussed for months after bd is that he is no longer a practicing Christian.  He has turned from his faith, his old beliefs and moral code.  He curses God and in the last year has done so many times in front of me.  At BD I found all of this out.  Originally, I told him I would stand by him so long as he did not speak against our faith in front of the kids, expose them to bad things and allowed me to raise them in my faith.  I told him if he treated me well, respected my beliefs and stayed faithful I would stand by who he is now.

He was back and forth for months with this.  He saw us as going in opposite directions(we were), and I wanted to do what I believed was right.  In scripture, it says that if you have an unbelieving spouse who will stay in the marriage, you should stay in the marriage, but if they want out, let them go. 

1 Corinthians 7:14-15(NIV)
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

I felt betrayed, like a bait and switch had occurred.  I married a like minded person who had now flipped on every belief he/we ever held dear. 

But, he did not treat me well, and he was not faithful.  So at some point during an argument I told him, I cannot accept you as you are because you treat me so badly and are committing adultery.

I’m not sure how to explain.  My h never changed his mind.  He said he wanted a divorce and did not love me, but for a period of time he seemed to contemplate.  To try with me, but his trying was mixed with a ton of monster, staying out all night, talking to other woman, putting me last and treating me like dirt.  He also never let me go to his work or work events.  He never hit me, but there was an incident where he knew I was in the bathroom behind the door and he slammed the door against the wall, saying he did not know I was there.  But, we were arguing and he did know.  He collects knives and guns.  There were incidents when he would scrape his knives on a sharpener and have a creepy look in his eye.  A couple of times he made comments that I had better stay in line. 

That is when I slept with the door locked and when he moved out, I was relieved the second time and also sad. 

So, last night when he was more normal, in passing he brought up our differing beliefs.  He did it in a way that showed me it is a huge obstacle to us ever getting back together.  Unless he comes back to his faith, we will not get back together.  Mostly because he has no moral compass.  He believes it is ok to lie, cheat, put himself first, and treat me badly. He has admitted, he just makes up the rules as to what he believes as he goes.  Pretty much, if he wants to do it, he believes it’s ok, regardless of consequences.

I really always wanted more traditional roles.  I wanted him to be the leader of our home.  I especially wanted him to be the spiritual leader of our home, but he never has been.  Not in the 19 years we have been married.  If we ever reunite, I will relay my hope for this change.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #24 on: August 20, 2019, 12:17:27 PM »
FJ, I wonder if your H is bringing up the beliefs difference because he knows it's important for you and he's trying to justify why your are "not compatible" anymore?  My H did something similar, in my case was kids. We spent 15 years together in which we both were sure we didn't want to have kids. Then all of the sudden, he changed his mind but tried to convince me he had been thinking about it for years but didn't tell me because "he knew I didn't want them" - In a sense, he got his way because that really shut me up, how could I fix that?  He found the one thing that would actually cause me to back off....  Then I learnt about OW and guess what? She wants a family!! So I guess that's where his desire to have kids came from... I think that if he goes ahead and has children, he will be miserable but maybe I'm deluding myself, who knows!

Someone told me once that MLCers become the opposite of what they were and that could be a reason why he wanted kids.. I was not convinced then but in the last few months I have seen things I never thought were possible.. I hope nobody gets offended by this... here it goes. I was raised catholic, I stopped practicing many years ago but I took a view of "live and let live". I respect other people's faith and beliefs, I just don't share them. My H is (was?) atheist and sometimes rather impatient with people who believed in God, something I didn't particularly like about him to the point that when I felt he was going too far with some comments, I would call him out.  And yet he's now in a relationship with a Muslim girl and I have seen pictures of him with her and her family, all women wearing hijabs (except OW because she's not married yet). This tells me he has inserted himself in a very religious setting and that is so opposite to the H I know, I now believe he's truly in crises and has no idea who he is anymore..

Sorry, I didn't want to go on and on about my story but I just wanted to give you a couple of examples that show that what you are seeing in your H might be a direct result of his crisis, not necessarily the person who he really is. I guess the big problem is that we don't know if they will ever "find themselves" or will continue in crisis mode until it's too late  :-\
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #25 on: August 20, 2019, 09:02:13 PM »
One Day!  It really is insane how they reject everything they believed and/or wanted before.  That is the problem, we truly don’t know who they will chose to be at the end of this, or if it will end at all.

Your h’s choices are so polar opposite!!!  I cannot imagine going from being an atheist to the Muslim culture.  Everything they do revolves around their faith and of course the kid thing!!!

I cannot imagine how he will feel if he really has kids and then wakes up from this....  Those choices will follow him always!  Also, if he marries this woman and then tries to leave her, I’m thinking her country could have major repercussions for him.

Journaling-I had forgotten h was coming for the kids today.  It was raining and I did not want to leave, so I did not offer like I normally do.  He picked up the two littles(s12, and d14 did not want to go).  Really d7 never wants to go, but is forced.  I bribed her before he got here because none of the kids except s5 want to go with him and I do not want him to give up on his kids.  So at least for tonight he does not know d7 had no interest in seeing him.

He is for sure trying to make things better with everyone.  His tone with me is completely different.  He brought gifts for the girls and took the kids to Pieology(read, he spent money and drove 20 minutes one way). 

H brought up us using a mediator without lawyers.  This is funny to me because a few months ago he talked about needing a lawyer to protect himself from me.  Our situation is too complicated for me to be comfortable with no lawyers.  His pension is tricky and has to be handled just right, plus he does not yet know FL has permanent alimony that I plan to use in negotiations.  I do not anticipate custody to be an issue as he expects standard visitation and shared legal custody, but I will get physical custody. 

He is still adamant that I will not get the house.  The tenants lease will be up before the d is final, so I may just agree to put it up for sale.  The neighborhood is at the center of downtown and is walkable to everything, the school district is top notch, and my neighbors are amazing.  One neighbor from our old neighborhood owns a resort and offered the kids and I to stay as long as we want next summer(after finding out about h leaving).  If we moved back, I would have a support system.  So there is a draw to want the house.  I loved walking to date-nights when we lived there because you could get a Friday evening drink and walk home at the end of the night.  Though, I cannot see walking alone at night as a single person(even if the area is great). 

But, ultimately I cannot afford to buy him out.  We have too much equity and the area is too expensive.  So unless he does a 180 we are selling.  The mortgage is very doable for me if I owned the house with what we owe on it.  Mostly because when we bought the houses in that area were not nearly as expensive and interests rates were low.

I did a list of pros and cons for moving or staying next year.   The list to stay was very long, I could save a very healthy amount of money renting next year and work as a teacher here.

The list to go is shorter, but more substantial.  I do not want to get a Masters right now because that would tie me down.  I have no debt, and if I chose to work part time in a few years, I can, but not with a masters.  I would have debt if I got the masters now.  If I wait, the district may cover it.  Anyways, if I stay I would just need to rush and get done with all of the Fl licensure before this school year ends and work as a special ed teacher next year.  But, the FL licensure requires a test on high school math and it has been a very long time since I have done that.  Staying keeps us in limbo land, but would allow me to be in a more comfortable position when we buy a house in two years. 

Tonight was weird with h.  I think I am detached enough not to be effected by him.  I must be in observer mode.  He will not look at me.  He does not raise his eyes to meet mine.  He dropped the kids and I passingly commented I should have had him bring me some(cauliflower pizza) back.  He kind of laughed in a light way.  I maybe for the first time felt sorry for him.  For who he is.  For the fact that his kids do not want him and this divorce will leave him pretty broke.  For the fact that I know this will all end badly for him.  I don’t understand why anyone would destroy their life.

He called later(after leaving) versus texting that he got a reminder about a Drs appointment for s5.  I find him calling when he only has 1 factual thing to say odd.  It is his norm.  I think somewhere deep down he has a need to keep trying to be my friend to ease his guilt.  Like, we are buds now, water under the bridge.  The odd thing is, I am detached enough now that we could have an easy relationship if monster stays at bay, but I don’t know that I want him as a bud.  All of my friends are awesome people.


Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #26 on: August 20, 2019, 11:17:30 PM »
Unless i have misunderstood, it sounds as if the core difference between staying and going is that staying will leave you all in a kind of limbo for 2 years? So i guess you need to reflect on the pros and ons of limbo as a way to live?

Good instinct on lawyers fwiw. i hate to be so cynical about MLC spouses dropping the monster behaviour but unfortunately it isn't uncommon that they do it to 'nice' you into something they want e.g. we don't need lawyers. Sorry. You and your kids do; he can choose for himself. There is no 'we' because that is what he has made. The underlying truth of course is that your spouse no longer cares about your needs or his kids needs, or not on a par with his own anyway. If he did, he would be making different choices and the house is an example of that. Absence of monster does not equate to normal decent adult imho. You may well see monster return when you say no to things he expects you to say yes to. And an MLCer and mediation are almost always like oil and water. Doesn't stop you inviting him to put an offer on the table so you can see what he comes up with...but mediation is based on the assumption that there are two sane relatively honest adults in the room.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #27 on: August 21, 2019, 07:28:17 AM »
Treasur, the list is long with staying or going so I will not give all of the details.  Staying does mean staying in limbo, but it also means when we do leave we have closure on many things.  S12 will have finished his NILD program(this program is key to his future)and junior high.  D14 will have finished high school and gotten braces off.  I would be able to save some major cash renting here for a year(and when I buy I would be in a better place, I would know where h is getting stationed next(which matters significantly), and I would be a year out from d and ready for a fresh start.  My career would be the same outcome, but staying means I work harder this year.  If I leave now, I will not have a support system, if I leave in 2 years d14 would be driving.  H does help with hauling kids to activities(or did last school year and says he will this year).  I don’t have a peace about staying or going.  I do not want to make these decisions, but I have to this week.

Also, staying means I delay deciding where the kids and I will live forever until I have the facts.  If h does not get stationed where we used to live(he will not know for 1 1/2 years), I will move to East TX which is more affordable and has the lakes, trees and rivers I like.  If h gets stationed in the TX hill country, I would move there because I am concerned that eventually at least one of my kids will live with h at some point.  Even 10 years from now, and I do not want to live far from my children.  My s5 is highly likely to want to live with h when he gets older(especially if h is normal by then) if even part time.  He loves being around men.

I completely see that he could be trying to be nice for the purpose of negotiations.  My relationship with him is completely separate from what I need to do in this d.  He wants it, and I will put the kids and I first.  He did say the other day that he knows he will be paying me for a very long time.  I was instructed early on not to rush out and get a job and that is why I didn’t. 

Staying means a free move in two years(we will be putting that in d).  Basically he barely has anything, so when he gets re-stationed the military would move us.

The school district I am looking at moving the kids and I to is one of the top rated in TX, and the housing is more affordable than our old house was.  I know the area and even know which church we would attend.  If I stay here an extra year I could save the money I need to get everything we will need for the house, and possibly do some renovations before moving in.  This area is much more affordable.

I did have my first panic attack since the early days of bd last night.  Prior to bd, I had never had one.  I am not used to being alone to make such big life altering decisions.  H was my high school sweet heart.  I was in my senior year when we met and 19 when we married.  I have never been an adult without him by my side until now.

The idea of moving across the country alone is scary.  If I said the word my family would be here and move us in a second, but I have never been one to ask them for anything.  If I start acting like I do not have a handle on things Papa Willie will try to take over my life(it is just his nature to help in a very strong way). 

If we move next summer my MLC husband plans to drive the uhaul across the country(gentleman that he is) and get us settled in.  He has always been the one to drive large trucks, not me.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #28 on: August 21, 2019, 07:46:56 AM »
I think there is also some part of me that does factor in h when thinking of staying.  Leaving would feel like completely giving up on him and I’m not ready to do that so early on.  The reality is we are getting a divorce, but a part of me still hopes in the next two years he will begin trying to reconnect.  That is difficult to do 12 hours a part.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #29 on: August 21, 2019, 08:21:11 AM »
No need for the details, FJ. Share what you want. We're just here to help you think out loud, that's all.

I get the feeling of making big decisions solo. And the panic attack. Tbh it is probably too bc the answers aren't simple and there is uncertainty right? It would almost be weird if it didn't feel how it feels. But you obviously have a good strong head on your shoulders and whatever choice you make, you can manage it so you and the kids will be ok.

I understand why you might be reluctant to ask for help right now....and yes sometimes people want to help in ways we don't quite want lol...but keep an open mind about asking for help when you do know what you need. And don't worry too much about the yet far off mechanics even if we all know that relying on the services of an MLCer is hit and miss. You will figure that stuff out when you get there, you will ask for the help you need, you will find creative solutions and you will learn new skills. Bc dear FJ, thatbis obviously the kind of woman you are.

And the panic attacks? Two things helped me most. Learning to deep breathe from the belly and walking them off. Hope that helps you too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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