Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.  (Read 2310 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #130 on: September 13, 2019, 07:23:07 AM »
Yup, there are those moments when we see something so clearly aren't there?
It is the gift of increased detachment I think.
His reaction is not normal or proportional. Anyone healthy can see that.
He left. D8 feels 'ditched' by him. He blames D14....and then God and maybe you. Has a vent and a rant. Does nothing that comforts or reassures D8. Epic fail on all fronts and nothing addressed or resolved  ::)

From a distance you can see how skewed and self-obsessed his perspective on pretty much everything is. He would rather blame D14 than take responsibility for the consequences of his actions on D8 or even just try to comfort her. He is somehow the victim. It is close to delusional to witness isn't it? But absolutely how they roll.

You are being admirably clear-sighted FJ both about this kind of stuff and your longer term plans.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #131 on: September 13, 2019, 08:25:53 AM »
Treasur-So true!  Instead of changing his actions he blamed D14 and every Christian on earth;). I realized not too long ago that when the time comes(if we are not reconciled), I am not afraid to move somewhere without a support system.  D14 will be driving by then and tbh, I have very little support here and I am fine.  It made me excited, because I can live where I want to live. 


Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #132 on: September 13, 2019, 08:51:33 AM »
It's the MLC version of 'the dog ate my homework so I yelled at it'  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #133 on: September 13, 2019, 12:55:07 PM »
Treasur-For sure!  What to do when you have an extra kid you never wanted or gave birth too;)

Journaling-I talk to the woman I consider like a mom/best friend constantly.  She just listens, and listens.  I was the listener for her for many years due to her own marriage struggles.  It is a true blessing.

I walked the beach today after getting some things done and chatted with her.  There were so many blue crabs today and the water was extra clear.  There is no place better to heal than nature. 

I am waiting to here from my h as to whether we are still on for tonight.  I decided not to go to the single parent event at my church tonight, I will slowly get involved.  I did end up getting to go to my divorce care class on Wednesday after all.  I am almost sure the husband who runs it with his wife is an ex MLCer.  She is his 2nd wife(though I do not believe she was the OW).  The man spoke in my d14 class about his biggest regret in life being his regret over his divorce.

Anyways, at least he is doing well now and giving back.  A lawyer is coming to our class next week.  We are going to get to ask questions.

My h did allude to giving my kids his car when my d is of age.  I would take over the tiny payment.  So that is good.  I am stressed over the idea of working next year without another driver.  I may try to get d14 an early permit next summer.  It would be great if she could drive herself and s12 to school.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 01:08:03 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #134 on: September 13, 2019, 02:39:57 PM »
You really are a planner!!  ;D I have no idea what I'll do in 2 years time!

I hope coffee with your H goes well.. or as well as it can be expected. Business hat on is very wise.. No point in giving the MLCer much because they tend to simply blow it.

It does get to a point when you nearly look at the MLCer with pity, right?  My H never really monstered but when we were separated but still living in the same house, I got a bit of monster specially if I tried to have R talks or pressure him in any way.. I didn't see it then because I was too shell-shocked but now I see it as teenager rebellion. Which for a 41 yo was a bit sad  ::)
Your H's words to me sound like he's trying his best to push you away.. And being mean is a way to do it. Which is very immature and rather typical in MLC world..

I'm happy to read you are feeling detached. It's the best way to handle this but very very hard to get there. And even if you cycle from time to time, you'll get back to detached.. At least that's how's working for me!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #135 on: September 13, 2019, 03:47:47 PM »
One Day!  Thank you so much!!   I really am a planner, but more so right now because I am on a timeline for events that need to take place at certain times.  I typically do have several back up plans to plans.  But, I’m also good with being flexible.  I need structure in certain areas of life.  Right now, my life is chaos, I’m not a fan of choas ::)

I’m getting dressed up to go meet him.  We are going to a coffee bar where they serve crepes, coffee and alcohol.  I will not drink, but it would have taken the edge off.

Now, I just see him as someone I used to know with major mental health issues.  I’m thankful I am not him, his life is not one to envy.  Just business as usual(with a cray cray person, whom I love).   ;)


« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 04:08:11 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #136 on: September 13, 2019, 04:08:15 PM »
Quote
Treasur-For sure!  What to do when you have an extra kid you never wanted or gave birth too;)

Let him be 'fostered' by ow#2?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #137 on: September 13, 2019, 04:28:12 PM »
Treasur-;). She can have him for now!

Mediation date night!  The stuff dreams are made of:). I do love our downtown area!  Lots of fun places.  You better believe I’m looking good ;)
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #138 on: September 13, 2019, 04:44:01 PM »
He however is not looking good.  Should that make me happy?  Haddie’s bus?  Also, he will not look at me...
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #139 on: September 13, 2019, 07:24:33 PM »
All kidding aside this is so hard.  It hurts so much to walk through this.  I’m not sure I could ever take him back, I view him as a horrible human being now.

He’s just no longer someone I want in my life at all.  I don’t currently see a way I could ever take him back. 
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 07:26:21 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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