Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.  (Read 2317 times)

Offline Standing Strong

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #140 on: September 13, 2019, 07:37:24 PM »
Very sorry to hear FJ.......

Going to make sure I pray for you tonight.

I hope that time changes him, that time heals you, and that in the end everything will be for the better.
Very sorry you're having such a terrible time, and I hope it improves soon.

You're riding it thru so powerfully, it's amazing to hear your updates (and heartbreaking).

I can't remember if you know what his root cause of the issue is. What was it?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #141 on: September 13, 2019, 07:44:27 PM »
Hello,

I am so sorry to hear this. When I was dealing with my ex, it would seem that there was hope and I could feel that we were turning the corner. Then BAM, she would say or do something that just sapped all the feeling from me. By the time she left after the divorce was complete, I was so done.

I remember when she left to drive to Washington. She gave me a quick hug goodbye and looked at me and said, "Who knows, we might end up together again."

As she drove off, I rolled her words over in my mind and thought. Hmmm, between never and no chance in hell where along the continuum does that statement fall. Hopefully, you don't get to that stage.

I don't know what he said or did, but I can take it that he was not a good boy tonight.  So sorry.


Have a good weekend, and (((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #142 on: September 13, 2019, 08:38:59 PM »
SS-Do you mean the root of his MLC?  His mom had an MLC(never ended, abandoned them), the deployment broke him.  He is mad at God and a shell of a person.  Thank you for the prayers!  God will have to change my heart if we are ever to get back together.  I do not like to feel like a victim or be a victim and I also do not like to throw around words like abuse.  But, it’s the only word that fits the last year for me.  He is verbally abusive towards me, and I’m not sure I ever considered that a thing before now.

Ready-I totally relate with getting to the point where you want nothing to do with their crazy anymore.  This is h*ll, and sure we can find the good in it all, but h*ll is still h*ll.

Journaling-It does not matter the brave face I wear, I just need this divorce to be over so that I do not have to pick up the phone when he calls.  I want to move to text only, but have tried to answer when he calls in order to stay on good terms.  For the sake of the divorce and mediation I need to try and be the bigger person.

I’m not sure what I can say about tonight.  I am married to a man who hates me and only cares about his kids to a point.  He talks love for the kids, but puts himself first.  I view him as a horrible person.  I try not to, I know he is mentally ill, but he treats me horribly and well, mentally ill people can be monsters.  That is how I view him.

I feel I am better off cutting any heart strings and protecting myself completely.  It’s going to be a long year.  He could care less about doing right by me and will get away with anything he can.

He talks about how much he hates it here in FL and needs support.  So I guess he feels unsupported.  For now I just have to put my own oxygen mask on and let him deal with his stuff.  It is obvious I am his punching bag and if he can find a way to hurt me he will.

I do think there comes a point where they have gone too far.  I cannot imagine making it through this divorce without him crossing that line. 

« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 09:34:34 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #143 on: September 14, 2019, 02:01:19 AM »
Fwiw, FJ....if it is not a word you use lightly, the first time 'I feel like I'm being abused' crosses your mind, it is worth treating that feeling with respect as a piece of information.

Your POV on your h as he is now seems admirably realistic although I am sure it is sad and painful to accept. Yes he is mentally ill and yes he behaves like a horrible person.

There are things we can do to be 'the bigger person' in situations of conflict with others. Normally we do that for two reasons; bc how we behave influences a change in how they behave of bc of our own inherent values and beliefs. In normal situations, that works fine. In dealing with the mentally ill, abusive or addicted, not always so much.

At that point, the hmmm this feels like abuse point, it is healthier and helpful to focus on our own wellbeing first. If it makes you feel safer or saner, that is a good enough reason. And that starts with rock solid boundaries untempered by excuses or fear of what the abuser will think. I would suggest that the very next time your h says something demeaning or aggressive, you send him a warning shot across the bows. Along the lines of 'I can see the benefit of us being able to talk about some issues right now, but if you are rude/aggressive (as appropriate) to me again, I will end the conversation.' He will then inevitably test your boundary so you end the conversation/walk away/put the phone down.

On top of that, please consider what you need. And beware of the fake mental bargaining that says if you 'play nice' in a divorce process, so will he. It is rarely the case with folks in crisis/mentally ill. Their behaviour is self-generating and about not much more than how they feel at a given moment. If you feel that talking to him on the phone is not helpful to you, then stop. Your kids are old enough I think for him to contact them directly if he wishes to do so or vice versa. Drop to email for anything related to kids, money or the divorce process (which has the benefit of a document trail. Worth assuming too that any email/text you send will be read by ow#?....not sure why just seems to be part of the ow script of him asking for her 'support'  ::) ) Perhaps text for emergencies or logistics in the next 24 hours depending on how your h uses his phone. When/if he comes to the house to see the kids etc, be civil but distant. If he gets monster-y or does a 'see you're so cold so this is why...' spew, find a short light way to say something like 'sorry you feel that way...I guess this is what naturally happens during a divorce'...then keep walking  :)

Imho abuse is a kind of emotional cancer and we can be niave about the effect on us of being belittled, devalued, ignored, shouted at and gaslit if we have not experienced it before. All MLCers are abusive to some extent. And seem to have little empathy for anyone else. Some mix of fear and control seems to drive it....but whatever they say or do they are usually only driven by what they want while they are in crisis. This is not how a sane decent adult normally behaves, but it is how they are. I think they have an almost compulsive need to believe their own justifying story...whatever it is...or the whole house of cards comes down. This means that they have cast you in a 'role' as x in their drama regardless of what you say or do. If they need to hate or blame you, they will and that is beyond your control.

But if you think of a boundary like a protective fence around you, you do not have to hear it or defend yourself against the common DARVO twists of the disordered. And it can damage your wellbeing if you do for too long.

I still remember a moment of shock almost when I realised that my then h was acting like an abuser. It was hard to swallow that he had become someone capable of that as it was so different from who he had been. But truthfully the hardest thing was to accept that, as strong and smart as I believed I was lol, I was being abused. Didn't make me feel great about either of us...but limiting contact so I could limit his opportunity to abuse me helped me see it for what it was. I was not able to stop either crazy or nasty...but I could build a bigger wall to protect my right to live a life without it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #144 on: September 14, 2019, 06:47:10 AM »
Treasure-I cannot yet process your words, but will read them later today.

Journaling-I had a couple of panic attacks in the night last night.  I think because this is really happening and how it is happening.  I feel as if he is on the attack and I do not want to be in a battle, but I am. 

We have soccer and a pancake breakfast this morning.  I’m sure it will feel better soon.  I love who he was, I’m not sure why I was so bothered by the little things.  He did monster some, almost all of his words devalued me and were hurtful.  It will take days to process what happened.  A woman from his work came up(with her boyfriend) and gave him a hug.  Obviously he has friends and is kind to others, he says it is only me he cannot stand.  Though he also cannot stand FL, and hates it here.  It’s stinking FL.  We have a 5 minute walk to the beach, who could hate that.  But he loved living in OH...is it just me;) He did not walk me to my car, and I know that seems like a small thing, but we were downtown and it was dark, I guess it made me feel like I feel in real life.  Unprotected.  The man I love has turned into a man trying to cause me harm.  I of course hoped for a better outcome. 

Ultimately it does not matter that he will regret this.  That brings no change.  It only matters that he is willing to go through with it.  He is wanting 10 years of alimony for 100 percent of the house.  He would also provide life insurance and we are in talks about SBP insurance on the pension.  He did not seem to realize we will have been married 20 years just before the d.

If I believe it is in my best interests, I will switch from mediation to court in January.  If I contest the divorce, it would be a year long process from then. 

There is a 99.999 percent chance I will be remarried in 10 years.  I started the offer at 15, but am fine with 10 if it stays the offer.  I will not go lower and am willing to take 50/50 on the house if needed.  He cannot bully me on anything as he is not going after the kids, so in that way I feel good. 

He wants me to Nanny the kids during his month next summer, while he works.  It is more likely he will just want them every other weekend like last summer.  And by that I mean less than 24 hours every other week.  I told him we can discuss that next summer as it is not a part of the d.  I do not want to be away from my kids for a month, so I’m sure I would be willing if it happened that way.
.

« Last Edit: September 14, 2019, 07:20:28 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #145 on: September 14, 2019, 07:32:20 AM »
Joy,

If it helps....it helped me...so maybe it will help you too. Is it emotional abuse. Yes. We have this idea in our head about abusers...so of course my initial instinct was to black and white the issue....because of course abuse is black and white...right? But when I read the list of emotionally abusive behaviors I see just how many of them I do, or used to do...for me yelling when angry was a hard one to realize it was abuse....I would never intentionally abuse someone...I worried I was a monster. 

So where did I learn to abuse people? Oh of course my family....because that’s what they did...that’s what I saw...and I just thought that was normal because that’s what everyone I knew did....it’s all I had ever seen.

You shouldn’t allow abuse, it should be called out, and boundaries in place to stop it. But I’ll also bet it’s his coping mechanism, he learned it somewhere, so calling it out as abusive behavior is just as important....remember he must be the victim...you have to be the perpetrator....that dynamic doesn’t work if he’s the one doing the abusive behaviors....

So call it out....don’t allow it, and set some boundaries. But know that you don’t have to put him in a black and white, good person bad person box if that upsets you. Separate the person from the behaviors and know that it’s also okay to know that emotional abuse is a learned coping mechanism and if it’s learned it can be unlearned.

For me that looked like, I will not allow myself to be abused. I have to protect myself and s14 first. I can do all this and know that for everyone’s health and safety we need space and distance and that H is acting out what he knows because he doesn’t know any other way to accomplish what he wants. H’s lack of adequate coping mechanism is his responsibility and does not obligate me in any way to either fix or tolerate his wrong behavior.

And there is an emotionally focused tapping videos for anxiety that stopped my panic attacks...so you may want to try some of those and some grounding exercises. Take care of Joy first. ❤️
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Father5

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #146 on: September 14, 2019, 08:27:32 AM »
Hi Joy,

I feel for you as I am in the same boat. I also suffer from anxiety these are few tricks I learned that really helped. I stopped caffeine I know it's tough but it is a cause. Also anything that can being your heart rate up. Even if it's just for a few minutes it will make a world of difference.

Good luck and God Bless you Joy
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #147 on: September 14, 2019, 09:03:43 AM »
Courage-I am in processing overload, and will reread your post in the coming days.  I did tell him I feel as if he is trying to harm me.  That at the least I am the mother of his children and should be treated well.  That I think he has been verbally abusive towards me for a year.

He never acted this way before this year.

Father-The idea if getting rid of caffeine is a tough one!  I will think on it!  I can get my heart rate up!  I have been running and doing beach body videos!  Thank You!

Journaling-Different things that were said are coming to my memory.  He says he has wanted a divorce for a long time and the deployment pushed him over the edge.  He said he wants me to be happy, but not with him.  He said, he will struggle when a new man comes into the picture, but more because of the kids.

He said he knows it will be hard for me to find someone else, because we have 4 kids.  He said he has never bad mouthed me to anyone and will not.  He says he does not badmouth me to the kids.  I brought up him badmouthing me to OW1(he said, I didn’t bad mouth you to her, she is like that to everyone, but he did conspire with her against me, he probably does not remember). 

In his other breath he says he will destroy me and take everything I have.  Before he is done there will be no money. That if he gets out of the military, I get no pension(he said it as if he would get out solely for this purpose, a threat, he won’t).  He said I mean nothing to him, he cannot stand me, he would rather spend all of our money on lawyers than look at me.  He said it is all his money, for me to stop saying ours.  He will not help me sell the house, he says he will not let the military move us, or help us move(and then he said he would).  In essence, he could careless what happens to me.  I brought up that I wish he would wait until the end of summer to d me as it would work out better for the kids and I in every way.  He said no. 

He said a whole bunch of other vile things.  He uses so much profanity and always curses God.  He said, where is my God now.  He is not saving you from this.  He is not protecting you.

He also said he hopes we can be civil for the kids.  That he understands it will take me years to forgive.  That when I remarry he would like to get along(I guess with my spouse).  He wants me to be open minded if any of the kids ask to live with him(I told him I will do what I believe is best for the kids). 

He joked around about the last time we were having dinner downtown.  I threw a glass of water in his face at the sushi place.    Not my finest hour.  We were eating outside and it was all very dramatic like the movies.  But, I’m not proud of it.  We never acted like this the first 18 years of our marriage. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #148 on: September 14, 2019, 09:22:42 AM »
I still remember my first panic attack. Had no idea what is was.

What I found helped either stop them unfolding if I felt them coming or minimised them sometimes if I had one was counting backwards. When I started it was 5000 lol. Some people try to think of countries beginning with an A or do mental arithmetic. The reason it works it rather wonderfully elegant actually. A panic attack is bc your amygdala has gone Barp, barp, activated your limbic system and has reduced activity in some areas of your brain while flooding your body with adrenaline. Counting activates a different bit of your brain and this seems to balance things out enough.

Obviously belly type breathing helps bc we breathe shallowly in a panic attack or en route to one, but tbh I find counting backwards was my best tool.  :)

Please remember to believe none of what he says and only 50% at most of what he does. You can see the confusion for yourself in this last post. It will drive you crazy trying to make sense of it or try to predict it.

Most of what he says right now is like emotional brain vomit...it simply tells you what he is feeling at a given moment. He will probably not remember most of it later. He lies to you, to others and to himself most of the time. When he is not brain vomiting or lying, he is trying to reinforce a story in his head that allows him to justify his actions. And he doesn't care that you think he is harming you or even the kids so it is pointless to say so....he either feels you deserve it or he simply can't feel it so it doesn't exist to him. Or both. It is really like dealing with a not very bright damaged young teenager. He is fuelled by emotion almost entirely. And tbh he has no real 'plan' no matter what he says, just a series of knee jerk reactions to events and how he feels.

We all know how horrifying it is to see in someone you knew and love/loved. We get it here in a way that RL folks don't unless they have experience of mental illness or serious addiction on their family.

There is a turning point for most of us when we are still trying to talk with them as if they were 'normal', albeit a normal who wants to leave us. Slowly there is a creeping realisation that this is not how it is. Often that is the point when we start to reduce contact bc you can't talk rationally to bonkers and it hurts to keep trying and failing. We start to develop new tactics for how we get things done that need to be done with someone who behaves this way.

And if it helps, from someone who has been in the darkest trenches, there was a time when God was the only one holding me up. My faith has become much stronger, much more real and much more part of me than it was before. My xh abandoned God too along with me, his friends and his old self....but I still pray for him to help my xh heal in whatever way God knows he needs to do. My h's faith and church used to be important to him, more than it was to me actually, and I'm sure that God will pick up if my xh ever wants to chat to him again lol.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2019, 09:29:24 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the midst of uncertainty.
« Reply #149 on: September 14, 2019, 02:36:13 PM »
Treasur-I will try the counting backwards.  I do not typically have anxiety problems, but have had several panic attacks in the last year.

I understand he is having an MLC and his words mean little.  My brain understands that.  But regardless of why, he is still saying horrible things.  I wish they did not effect me, but they have.  I cannot think today.  My breathing is still shallow.  I took a nap, but woke up the same.  I am running later when it cools down.

This is happening(the d) and I need time to wrap my head around it.  It is too real now.  I also am upset that he is the father of my children.  They deserve more and better.  I am incredibly disappointed in him.  He has let us all down tremendously.

I understand he is struggling.  That does not change the consequences.  It does not change the outcome.  It is difficult to feel empathy for someone acting so poorly.

I think back to before the deployment.  My youngest was 1 1/2 years old.  He had been incredibly sickly since he was born(way better now).  He took up so much of my time.  It wouldn’t surprise me if my h was unhappy before the deployment.  We had young kids at that point and life was busy always.

The sad thing is.  My kids are so much easier now and we have so much freedom to go on dates and live life.  He couldn’t just weather the storm and see that it was a season.  Instead he created a hurricane.  I keep trying to forgive, it is ongoing. 
« Last Edit: September 14, 2019, 02:40:00 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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