[Stand Tall]

Velika,

  My H was diagnosed with combat related PTSD about 5 years ago. As well as depression and had a very traumatic childhood. His counselor at the time thought that maybe the PTSD was from his childhood, but H quiet going when things started getting to stressful. He is now going through a midlife crisis and is living with the other woman and doing what seems common with other MLCers.  I follow what I read on HS forum and only answer his emails to me. I am very pleasant to him when we meet. He seems very receptive to my actions. I have felt from the day of BD that something crashed inside of him.

  BD was 18 months ago, but ignorant to MLC, I received a BD two years prior to this BD, he then moved out with ow. The first BD was followed by the funeral of his little brother who was brutally murdered. He had been in the process of building a relationship with this brother. My H has had many traumas in his life.

  I had been counseled on living with a vet that has PTSD, so when BD happened and he told me he was leaving I had what he called at the time a lightbulb moment. I knew there was something seriously wrong. If this CPTSD or even his PTSD is the cause of his MLC is there anything I can do legally to take control of his actions?

  The biggest issue throughout the past 18 months has been our home. The loan is in his name and I am on title. The house has gone to the brink of foreclosure and now he has modified the loan to save it. The house being a duplex I plan on living in the smaller apartment and we planned on renting out the main house. He is now telling me that he has rented out the whole house and I need my stuff out by Sept 15 so he can make repairs. I don't quit know how to handle this. I don't have enough time to get it into court.

  My options are to ignore him knowing that 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do is untrue and continue living in the upstairs or get a storage unit and move my stuff out and live in my sons spare bedroom. I don't want to let him push me around or think he can control what I do and where I live.

  Oh and at this time he does not give me any support money. That will change if I'm forced out of my home.

Any advice? We are not divorced, I am a stander.

~Stand Tall

[Mortesbride]

Stand if you are on the title doesn't that mean you own the house too?

If so tell him to get bent. If you are on the title you have equal share and are perfectly within your right to live there.

Of course this puts you in a position if he wants to be difficult or try to sell it out from under you...but really it just puts you right back where you are doesn't it?

If you fight for your right to live in the house, he buggars it up..you move back in with son?

[terra]

Stand, where I live there are laws in place so that a property owner cannot displace a tenant for the purpose of upgrading or updating the property. I hope there is something like that where you live, and it has got to apply surely for your situation. What your h is positing sounds like just spite and a haphazard dash at collecting up ALL the control, and he does not get to do that.

I would look into local tenancy laws and do some homework (no pun intended), and then take it straight to your lawyer or legal counsel. Because the answer to husband on this one is a big fat loud firm NO.

On rereading, I see you don’t have time to get it into court. I would ask counsel anyway, and also maybe law enforcement. He can’t make you leave, definitely he can’t make you leave immediately. Unless he is out front with a wrecking ball, you know?

I know this has got to be scary and hurtful and deeply unsettling for you, but hold your ground. This is where you might resort to simplest answer in the face of anything he says, and no matter how he says it:

I am not leaving this house.
I am absolutely not leaving this house.

NO. I WILL NOT.

H will have to find some other solution. It isn’t even as much about you “buying time” — it’s kind of about calling his bluff and seeing what MLC will pull out of its hat after that. My guess is that if you put your foot down and stand firm on NO, within a week or so he will change his mind or forget this idea anyway. That seems to be how it goes here, a lot, with my h, good or bad.

My heart is with you; stay full of your right to STAY in your home. Just because he is acting an angry d!ck or has legit PTSD does not mean he gets to have things his way. It’s your life, your home. Even if you were just a paying renter, he couldn’t eject you from premises without fair advance notice, and here, he couldn’t do that without paying you equivalent to some several months rent to compensate for the displacement and rehoming stress and expense.

One person I know who was displaced, stayed put until it went through the courts, and won a settlement equivalent to what I pay in rent for a full year. !

You have a lot of rights you may need to investigate and represent in court. But your first rights are to safety and to a roof over your head with PLENTY of advance notice before anyone makes a move to work on that house — YOUR house, YOUR HOME.

I agree with Mortesbride and in place of “get bent” or any explanation at all, I would just tell husband firmly NO.

One word, full answer, final answer.

[terra]

In short, he needs to UNrent it. Don’t care if that’s embarrassing or if he already spent the first last and deposit. It’s his to undo, and you don’t have to move. Period.

[Stand Tall]

OMG, Thank you Terra and Mort,

  I'm trying so hard to not cause H or myself anymore stress and drama then there already is. I had planned on just walking away from the house and let him blow in the wind, but this is the only marital asset we have and I've gone through enough over the years and now I am just tired. I'm going to put my foot down on this one. He will get a stern NO from me. I'm imagining that it is the ow egging him on anyway. Last thing I'm going to do is give her the control to my house. I think I'm also going to tell him that I'm going to be renting out the downstairs. All he really cares about is getting his mortgage payment made.

  Thank you guys for giving me courage. Sometime I need to have a little bit of "Go get him" advice to remind me that I am strong. Thank you, Thank you Thank you.

~Stand

[AlvinTheMaker]

Just remembered this talk as I was reading some stuff about C-PTSD and regular PTSD (relating to my past/current situation).

These three pages could make very interesting reads MLC/LBS-wise:

The self pity we see: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

The momster we see: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf

And how to try to approach in more loving way:  http://pete-walker.com/lovinglyResolvingConflict.htm

Maybe MLC is PTSD/C-PTSD, maybe not. But in all scenarious these psychological "nuggets" of wisdom IMHO provide some advice that could come handy in life.

I must say I'm very tempted to buy/try one of this guys books.  Has anybody read them / suggestions which of them to try ?

[Velika]

Stand Tall, I'm sorry I am just now revisiting the site and saw your question.

I would try to find a lawyer who can protect your best interests. Even if you don't want a divorce, you may need at least someone to help you navigate the financials and logistics. As hard as it is, try to think of what your pre-MLC spouse would want you to do. (Protect yourself from a crazy guy, right?) Then do that.

Again, so amazingly wonderful not to want to exacerbate his condition. However, many MLCers go through at least a couple and sometimes more years of high-energy "organization" phase, where they lack empathy and self-insight but want to "get their affairs in order." They do this with zero consideration for the spouse's well being.

My personal feeling is that it is in this phase they have more cognitive function, which often begins to spiral, too. If at all possible, try to get the house or any other assets you can. This is for his protection, too.

Big hugs.

[Thunder]

I agree with everyone else, Stand.  He can't legally kick you out of your house.  When you were put on that title you are a co-owner.

Just.."Nope that won't work for me so I'm staying."  If he by chance tries anything, call the police.

I also agree, probably ow's idea.   

[Stand Tall]

Well, I will be seeing him today and he will be receiving the answer of "NO". I don't even care if I never stay in my half of the property the answer is still going to be no. Yesterday I went to the house and changed the lock on the apartment. Next I'm going to put a security camera on it. I'll let you all know how this goes. Pray it goes well.

Stand

[Stand Tall]

Just got done with H, getting ready to drive. Will tell all later. It's good though.